Do You Know People like This?

I wouldn't say anything.

Seek out some better friends.

I read on here once, the statement: When you know better, you do better.

So now you know!

Yes, there are some people who like being comforters or rescuers, and can't handle anything that they can't rescue. And there are others who are comfortable being with you when everything is going well, but when there's a problem they disappear. Sometimes you just have to remember the old saying, "It takes all kinds of people to make up a world." But I wouldn't count on them for much!

Yup. Some people just need to be needed.

Most of my friends fit into only part of my life. I think that's OK. I have an activity friend. We both like to dance and go walking together. Another one gives great advice. There are a couple I can tell my deepest darkest secrets to. Others are fun to chat with over coffee, but nothing serious. A couple I don't see regularly but would help me in a minute if I needed a ride for my kids or a meal in an emergency.

I wouldn't say anything to a friend who is only there for you when you are down. But I'd watch and see if she is someone who really cares for you or just enjoys your misery. Then you can decide whether to keep her in your life or let her go.

Yes, I do know people like this. 'Bad weather friends' are great at commiserating when you need a shoulder to cry on, but maybe don't know what to do with you when things are going well.

If it's not someone you can just stop hanging out with, limit both what you tell them AND your expectations on how they should respond to your happiness and good fortune. This is about them and is (I hate to say it) somewhat of an emotional disability of sorts. If you can think of it this way, and not take it personally, you will feel better. They just can't enjoy the good things with you--it's a sort of incapability. Concurrently, to minimize the wacky pendulum swing, you may not want to share so much of your life's 'negatives' with them either. I think it feeds something they are (unhealthily) needing, and I personally try to avoid doing that with this sort of person as well.

And no, I wouldn't even bring it up unless it's a close personal relationship like a parent or spouse. And then, that conversation might be "I'm sad for you that you can't enjoy X with me." Otherwise, I'd let it go. People are only going to change when they are ready to do so.

Might be gratifying to them to help a friend in need. People like to feel authoritative, and useful.

If you feel compelled, I guess you can wrangle a congrats out of a person by staging a toast, i.e. I've got a new job, let me pour you a glass of wine so we can have a congratulatory drink together. You pour, they sip, and then they tip their glass to you and say congrats. Hopefully, the well dones and how's it goings should follow. beware though, this contrived congrats, even if accomplished, might be underwhelming as it might feel hollow.

Ultimately, you can't control anyone else's behaviour towards you. Though you might feel sad that they aren't there for you in your triumphant moments, perhaps you can change your perspective and consider yourself grateful to have them in your time of need.

good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

Oh boy, do I ever understand this.

My BFF and I have been through SO much. Crappy relationships, cancer, military deployments, more crappy relationships, multiple moves...

And we've always been there for one another.

Until this February, when I got engaged (after just 4 months) to the love of my life.

Nothing has been the same since. It truely breaks my heart.

I wish I had advice...because I'm right in the thick of it. Yesterday she assumed that I didn't want to go out with her and celebrate her birthday on Saturday night because I have military duty during the day. She didn't even ask...just assumed. And then made plans to leave town for over a month without even saying good bye.

Sorry for the rant.

I'm interested in reading your responses.

Misery loves company.

We have friends for both of those reasons, some love us when things are good and disappear when things go bad, the others love us when things are bad so they can help us through it, when life is good they disappear.
I LOVE ALL of my friends as they all serve a certain purpose in my life, and that's what friends are.

D.:

These are people who need to feel better about themselves by "helping" people or friends in distress - it puffs them up and makes them feel better about themselves.

Fortunately, I don't have people like this in my life. I have been very blessed with the circle of friends I have.

If it were me? I wouldn't worry about them. Keep doing down the road of life..If you HAVE to deal with them - deal with them...you can take what you need from them when you are on the down-curve and you can try and give them some of your mo-jo when you are on the up-swing of life!!

If they are negative when you need positive? just STAY THE COURSE!! Don't let them pull you down. You might be able to teach them a thing or two!!! No stress!!! Smile!! Be happy!! It will make people wonder what you've been up to!!

I find it to be the opposite. In our tough times, people have disappeared and don't bother with us at all, even a simple "I'm sorry you are going thru this". But when everything is great, here they come, wanting to join the party. So no, I have not experienced it like you say and I would not say anything to anyone. I would just start looking for a new group of friends. Good luck.

Every person is not capable of serving every purpose. Different people will serve different purposes in your life. These people happen to be great at supporting you when you are low. You probably have people in your life who can share in your up times but are useless when you need a shoulder. This is a great lesson in recognizing strengths and basing your expectations on their actual capabilities. Don't be angry that people aren't who you want them to be. They are in your life because they are good at something that you need from them. Instead of being mad at the broom for not being a broom AND a mop, appreciate that the broom does a hell of a job sweeping. And go out and get a mop.

Let it go. Take from people what they are able to give. For some people, they are a little threatened/intimidated by/envious of your successes, so they won't comment on them.

They are good people, they just have their own issues.

Let it go.

Ha-I wish I had friends when I am in the slumps. I had a bought with breast cancer this year and was pretty much abandoned by everyone. People that I thought I was close to disappeared and they still do not know what to say to me. But on the positive side there were some people that I was not particularly close to who were so there for me.

I nyour case I would not say anything to them just realize that you know them for who they are now and move on. You know where you stand with them now. Be cordial and friendly but expect nothing and give nothing.

So funny you asked, YES, my best friend. Totally there for the drama and then when I get married or pregnant- NADA! I would let it go and try to phase these people out of your life that FEED of the drama. If I dont have anything negative to say today she will literally DIG it out of me. Like asking questions about the "weaknesses" in my life. "How are you doing on your diet?"
They suck the life out of you and bring you down.

Usually it's the other way around, "fair weather friends." I don't have any friends who abandon me when things are good but I do have some that only call when they need something.

There are people who thrive on drama and misery. Actually, reminds me of my (now deceased) mom. No, it's not necessary to point this out to them. What would it accomplish? Since you can't shut them out of your life, it's best to just accept them as they are.

I have one friend that is the total oposit with me. She wants me there when she is having a hard time or need something and has taken advantage of my friendship many times. Then when everything is going ok she doesn't have anything to do with me.

If I were you I would just find some closer and better friends. It is okay to keep your friendship but also great if you find friends you relate to more. I had a few friends like that in high school but all my friends now are truely wondrful
Good luck.

How about backing up for a moment and trying to put a positive construction on this?

Why not think the best of someone rather than the worst?

It's possible -- because you can't read minds or hearts -- that the person you're talking about simply feels that when things are going well for you, she (we'll say she for the sake of discussion here, maybe it's a he) would be in your way. She may feel that "Daisymama is doing great -- I will leave her and her family to enjoy it, but I'll be there for her if she needs me." Some folks do not want to get in other folks' way, or intrude on their happiness. Yes, truly, there are folks who actually would say "I don't want to intrude on your happiness. That's for you to share with your family." And this friend may feel that way. She may have no idea at all that you resent her for stepping back and doing what she sees as giving you your privacy and letting you celebrate on your own. I can't say whether this is the case with this friend, but have you considered it?

Do you actively let this person know your good news? Do you then say to her explicitly, "I'd like to share this with you and celebrate! How about lunch?" or whatever? In other words -- Take a moment to set aside your own resentment and really look at whether you actually reach out and invite her to be part of your positive times, with specific invitations or specific news, or whether you sort of expect her to know telepathically that things are good, and whether you expect her to come up with congratuations and invitations to shower on you.

Why would you want to shut her out of your life for not being all over you in good times, when she is reliably always there for you in bad times? That makes little sense to me, except in the context of your expecting her to do something -- I'm not sure what -- when things are going well for you. Maybe she figures that when things are going well, she should let you enjoy yourself. I'd be glad someone always had my back, and I'd be the one to thank her for having my back in bad times by reaching out to her -- rather than expecting her to always reach out to me -- in good times.

Of course, if you do stay in close touch with her, share your news, make her part of your good times, and are not expecting things from her in good times other than "That's great!", then yes, maybe she's a person who needs to be needed and reacts best to problem situations. It doesn't make her an all-weather friend but it does beat having "friends" who are there when things are good and then vanish when times are tough.

My sister is one of these types of people. She means well. She is the type of person who goes into high drive when it comes to rescuing or coming to someone's aid. She REALLY will go out of her way to help in a dire situation.

When things are calm, you don't really hear much from her, but I don't think it's a character flaw, per se. She jumps faster than anyone when she feels she's needed. She also kind of tends to thrive on the drama side of things, but I don't hold it against her that I don't really hear from her when things are going swimmingly well. It's not that she doesn't think of me all the time, but she always has someone that she's helping or comforting. It's her thing.

It certainly doesn't make her a bad person.

Some people will avoid you like the plague if you have personal issues or problems. Others are there for you in a snap if you're really down.

Rely on your friends you can rely on for whatever you need to rely on them for and don't forget to be a good friend back to them.

Just my opinion.

Sadly I do. One of my family members is so there in a crisis, but barely acknowledges me or anyone else on a regular day or a good day. She called me once and said that she didn't think I'd be in home, that I'd be at school. Well, I had finished my degree about a year before!!! Major scream!!! Because she's related, I can't cut her out of my life. I have just chosen to ignore it and laugh off her behavior. It's hard to do, but I kept getting hurt and have found that laughing her off protects me.

Good luck!

YES. I have had 'friends' in my life who were only there for me when things weren't going well, but then when my life was peaches, they were soooo negative.

After having it happen a few times with one particular girl, I realized that whenever I was in the dumps it gave her the opportunity to complain about her own life as well - have someone to commiserate with. I think she thrived on the drama a bit, but more than that, (1) liked to feel needed when she didn't feel good about her own life; and (2) liked to feel normal that someone else felt the same or similar to her. I felt for her and tried to be there for her, but it did wear on me.

Eventually, it caused our friendship to end because at a certain point when I wanted to share something good with her that had happened (a change from something bad we had recently been commiserating about), she immediately changed the subject back to something she perceived in her life as being bad and wanted to complain with me about her life rather than be happy for me for this major change. I'd had enough. Her complaints in her life were valid for her, but they were also being created BY her. It was always about her family and it was always, 'poor me'.

At that same time, I had another friend whose Mother had just passed & I had spent a good amount of time talking to him about his loss and here was this girl complaining about her entire family constantly. I told her, "you know, when they're gone, you're going to be very sad you've spent your whole life complaining about them and you're going to wish you had tried to make a relationship with them." In the scheme of things, I'm not sure if it was too honest or too cruel for me to say to her. Of course, she didn't appreciate it one bit and cut me out of her life. I have never regretted it. My life is filled with far less drama now.

They are drama magnets.

I used to be one. There are people in this world who seem to have things happen to them, around them, near them constantly. They are always involved in some drama and chaos.

I was just like that, until I got sober. There's nothing you can say, except not to participate. They have to clean their own house, and you pointing out their behavior will only (in their mind) create more chaos and drama.

Take the high road - let them be dramatic, and you can just sit back and be entertained.