Do You Ever Feel "Ivisible"

Old "joke" (as in not really!)

_____

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked:

“What happened here today?’”

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”

“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, ‘”Well, today I didn’t do it.”

Um, are you reading my mind??? Kind of creepy!
Seriously, I have felt like that a bazillion times! When I'm in a rut, you just explained my rut exactly! I think lots of us do.
What do I do? Sometimes it just passes. Sometimes I need "me time" which is very hard. My kids are 8 and 10 and I am just now starting to do things for ME!!!! You need to get around other grown ups. When my husband sees me around other people (yes, especially men) he relizes/remember just how awesome I am and how lucky he is!!! And I feel better to. I'm currently working on kind of reinventing myself - new hair cut, new hobbies etc. So my advice is all over the place - find something to make YOU happy no matter what the hubs is doing.

ETA - I've gone as far as buying MYSELF flowers because I like them. Then when hubs acts like where in the heck are those from? I tell him "I bought them for myself because I like pretty flowers and no one ever buys them for me......so....." And now he buys me flowers much more often for no reason at all!!!! It's like it never occured to him before, just to bring me home flowers on a Wednesday to be nice!

Ah yes, I understand what you are saying.
I have been a SAHM since my firstborn was born 10 years ago.
Then once my kids were both in elementary, I have a part time job now.
But I still consider myself a SAHM, primarily.

Anyway, I don't feel I have "lost" myself, because, I am doing as I had hoped, once I had children. Being home, with them, and as me and Hubby decided. It is not all glamorous or intellectual everyday nor exciting. But, I am doing what I prefer and want to and need to.
For my kids. But I am, being what I want and who I am.
Life... entails... various developmental "stages" for a Mom, too. And we all go through changes and various identities, of who and what we are.
This is just one, aspect of it.
Sure, it is drastically different... than what I was doing and "who" I was when I was single, and pre-having kids. But being a SAHM now, is what and who I am. BUT... I also still am "me." I know that. Hence, I have not lost my own identity.
My identity, is not about "what" I do. But about "who" I am. Intrinsically. Therefore, I don't lose... myself.
I know who I am.

Sure, the Husband may not KNOW... what a SAHM or Mom does all day. Because, they do NOT do it... themselves.
My Husband, has NEVER been alone with the kids, for 12 hours straight, 7 days a week...like I have. He does not know, what that is like nor what it entails. Or how fatiguing or irritating that can be on any given day.
Fine.
But I also, do what I want. When he is home and then he.... does do things with the kids, takes them out, helps in the house for the level of awareness that he can, do.

I have vented to him on many days. About my day. Of being a Mom. With TWO kids home. My kids are totally active and soooo very expressive and vocal and loud. But that is them, I value them and how they are, but I have bad days too. We all do.

But, my husband, after all these years of having kids... recently does "realize"... how I feel at times. Burnt out or just not wanting to do household stuff, because my tolerance is full. So then, he will, like a deer in headlights, help. He finally has realized my rhythms and tolerances... for things that I do daily. Day and night.
So that in itself, helps. Because I know, that he knows... how it can be.
And sometimes, when I am tired... and my kids are calling me (because they like how Mommy does things better), I just tell them "Daddy is home now... you GO to HIM... and tell him.... Mommy is not doing anything now...." So I send the kids to him. LOL And this is also his "cue"... that I am, needing a break.
So like a deer in headlights... he steps up.

If you feel like this, you need to have your Husband DO THINGS TOO.
TELL him.
GO OUT, PLAN THINGS FOR YOURSELF. AND HAVE YOUR HUSBAND STAY WITH THE KIDS.
Don't ask permission to do this, just DO IT.
We are human.... and we have a right... to go out, even if by ourselves, and have fun too, or alone time. Just go to a bookstore and have a cup of coffee and read! Relax.
Do things, for yourself, that you need to "feed" yourself with. Interests, or fun.

And sure, if your Husband is like that, there will be no sex drive.
We are not, a light switch.
The Husband has to, realize that.
And if your Husband can't even talk to you... as a human.. then tell him.
You are his Wife. That needs care taking too. Meaning, HE HAS TO take care of his Wife... too.
TELL HIM.

Sometimes, Men, do not know, unless you tell them.

And by the way, any "financial decisions" entails YOUR input too. You are not a nobody. You are a PART of the marriage, a PART of the family and HE SHOULD BE, expect, your input too.
ie: just because you are a SAHM, does not mean you are worse than a minimum wage "employee." I bet even they get more than you.
And he should NOT be treating you, like a nobody in the financial decisions. And I HOPE he is, contributing to a retirement/ROTH account for you etc. And that he is making sure you have enough money... to get and do, daily things that needs to be done for the ENTIRE FAMILY.
This is not the 1950's.
And unless he wants to be like "Archie Bunker"... then he needs to modernize his attitude, and realize... that he has a WIFE... and she is not an in-house "maid."
I mean, he can't even converse with you...
HE has a problem.
HE needs to revamp his attitude.

Maybe he just doesn't realize you feel unimportant?

My husband doesn't work. Out of habit, I constantly say things like "thanks for making dinner" or "hey the floor looks great, thanks for mopping." Randomly one day he asked me why I bother to thank him for things he "should be doing anyway," which spawned a conversation.

We realized:
I want validation for the things I do (which I why I thank him - I assume he wants the same).

He doesn't crave or even think about validation for the stuff he does (which is why he never says that stuff to me, or acts like he cares about it).

Maybe your DH is similar?

Your first mistake is expecting your husband to be your sahm BFF and he clearly isn't. That doesn't mean he is acting like a jerk, nor does this give him permission to act like a jerk. That is the biggest mistake alot of women make...they expect their husbands to be like their girlfriends when it comes to discussing their days at home. I know there are many wives whose husbands could listen to them share the biggest and smallest details about their day, but your husband doesn't sound like one of them. As soon as you accept this, the easier it will be for you to relate to him, acept him for who he is and want to be intimate with him again for no reason other than you love him.

Try to find some new friends. Join a mom group - try a church or library. And when you do make some new friends, don't expect them to treat you with the kind of loyalty you expect from someone you've loved and known for 20 yrs and give you the validation you need. Most likely they'll need their own sah validation as well.

Take up a hobby. Anything. Paint something. Build something. Learn something new (knitting, baking, Chinese etc etc). It could be as simple as reading a book series or visiting a new museum every month. Just make a commitment to do something that has nothing to do with managing your house and family.

In the meantime, just the fact that you aren't trying to raise a serial killer in the same world I'm trying to raise my son, scores pretty high important points with me, so thank you for the job you do!

Your home and family won't go away so learn to appreciate them by giving yourself some freedom and doing something positive and different.

People who work (outside the home) resent people who don't work.
It's sad, but people often feel that way either consciously or unconsciously.
Not that being a stay at home mom isn't hard work - it can be grueling monotonous thankless drudgery.
You are going to have to find your happiness without much help from Hubby.
You need some contact with people - people to talk with and share interests.
Join a Mom's group or take a class or do something for your self and own enjoyment and socialization.
You could go back to work, if that's what you want to do.

I'm the primary breadwinner and do so much more around the house and still kind of feel like this. Not so much invisible bc my husband wants to talk way more than I do but just in a rut and dissatisfied and taken advantage of sometimes. Many many outside the home jobs aren't exactly fulfulling... I guess it does give a sense of more equal footing at home bc you're making money too but I wouldn't blame all this feeling on the fact that you're a SAHM. Ironically, we have a nanny and as my kids get older, it's so obvious to me how a nanny is not a perfect sub for a mother at all. So please don't feel like a nanny can do everything you do. You just need some fun. If your husband won't supply it, start making some plans with friends etc. Figure out a project. My sister stays at home and said she always needs a project to give her some sense of accomplishment and fun in a way.

Sending you a big HUG!

Been there, done that. It's so frustrating. Being a SAHM is so isolating. Make yourself go out and do something for YOU at least once a month. Go get a mani or pedi or just for a few hours of window shopping! It will help, I promise. I feel invisible a lot too. You have to make yourself "heard" sometimes to break that feeling. Speak up and make some time for yourself.

I don't think SAHM husbands mean to get like this, they just get in a rut/routine just like us. The pattern becomes hard for them to break too when they have all the weight of financially supporting their family. Get your husband's attention by scheduling a date night. Get a sitter for the kids and go out to eat and TALK! Tell him how you feel without making him feel guilty. Explain how you're battling feeling invisible. You need to make him understand. Bet he feels "pressured" to support the family alone which is why he has become "King" of your finances.

Good luck and keep us posted. :)

I read this thinking that you were going to say that you were a 50 + year old who felt invisible to the world.. Oh, no that would be a post from me!

I think that you need to make a list. Like:
1. once a month host a yard sale (make money and meet new folk/neighbors)
2. join a church and go to Women's Circles there
3. Take a walk around the block daily and wave at your neighbors
4. drink a glass of red wine every day (when you put the kids to nap)
5. go ahead and post more rants like this one--we will be your listening ears

I am very bored in my life now too and on my NY Resolution list is to walk daily around the block, take a two hour drive monthly to a flea market in the next town, participate in our community-wide boot sales every month even if I have nothing to get rid of--put a very high price on things and if they sell whala! if not, I didn't want it to sell anyhoo--I just wanted to be in the midst of other ex-pats for 3 hours.

Goodluck

You just described my hubby.

The key to feeling important, and being noticed is to have a hobby that is not just a time filler. Find a hobby that has people gatherings, that you can take your kids for.
- helping at church
- helping at the library
- helping at school

Also, you don't say if you do this or not, but ask for an allowance of money that is just yours. Say $50 - $70 a week or paycheck. Money that is your to spend or save however you want. The point is that you get to decide what happens to it. He has no say. This also helps show him how you are able to manage money.

Tell your husband how you feel.

You don't have to assign blame, and make sure he knows that you're not asking him to fix anything...but you're feeling ____________.

He's supposed to be your partner, your rock, your biggest cheerleader, right? So act like it.

I have recently begun to feel this way, too.
I suggest that you do things for yourself to make yourself feel good, feel
happy and get some alone time.
I know it's hard but a happy mom is better able to be there for her kids
AND to show them the example of taking care of themselves.
Find what makes you happy:
-workout
-go for long walks alone when hubby is hm w/the kids (a few tiimes a wk)
-get a pedicure
-go see a movie by yourself or w/some girlfriends
-rent movies from Redbox (I do this because I don't get to get out much)
-get a pedicure w/a girlfriend or meet for coffee for an hour
-treat yourself to Starbucks once in awhile
-I, too, am not in the "mood" for sex w/a partner that tries to tell me what to do and is often angry. I have learned, however, that intimacy is an vital part of a relationship. While it tends to be more important to the men, he in turn will sometimes return the loving gesture by taking me out to lunch which is what I like in lieu of sex. That's how I feel loved and connected.

Just know that a nanny could never come in and take your place.

Of course, you're tired when you finally go to bed & you fall asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow. SAHMs do a lot. Stay at home dads do a lot when the roles are reversed. Moms that work outside the home and come home work some more. It's tough but it can be done. So many do so because they have to.

Know you're not alone.
When you try to talk to your husband, make sure he's free to give you his attention. Meaning don't try to interrupt him when he's working on the car or trying to watch a sports game.

When you do talk to your husb, don't give flowery, long explanations of what's going on (they don't have the attention span for that). Tell him in about 5 words.

Hang in there & PM if you need some more advice or support.

Know that he may envy you staying home (mine does) and/or he may be
feeling the burden of being the only one working outside the home.
That in no way makes him "ruler of the house). I've had to let my husb
know that in those terms. I've just cracked & let him know that I will not
be "ruled", "managed", "told what to do" or "be treated as one of his kids". I am not suggesting that you say this to your hubby (it's not the right way to go about things). I'm just letting you know that I've felt the same way. there's a better way to handle it.

Hopefully you know that what you do is important even if no one seems to see it but you. It sounds like you need to have a serious sit down with your husband and talk about how you feel, how his behavior makes you feel, etc. One question I would ask him whether he is in full agreement with you staying at home. It almost seems like he resents the fact that you don't work outside the home and seems to think you have no opinions or smarts of your own any more. If he's in full agreement with you staying home, then he needs to stop punishing you for it. It sounds like you like being a SAHM, but that your husband's lack of support is making it miserable. He needs to realize that staying home is not as easy as it seems, and maybe he needs to give it a try to see.

You need to get him to a marriage counselor, this kind of resentment could destroy your marriage. He isn't treating you like a wife and you want to be his wife, not just mommy, housekeeper, etc.
I come right out and tell my husband, if we don't spend time together, talking together, even something as simple as sitting next to each other watching a show together, then I dont feel close to him and no I'm not "in the mood"

I prefer to be called a "Domestic Goddess". And I feel the same as you, take some well needed time for yourself. Get your hair done, nails and go have a ladies night. It will do you good to have girl talk! Let them miss you a little.

I feel that way sometimes. I get out with friends every friday and my kid doesn't come. We just hang out at eachothers houses and play games or we go out on the town once a month or every other month. If I am the host my husband has to watch the kiddo. If he does not, he gets to hear about it.

Sometimes on the weekends, I sneak upstairs and shut myself in the bedroom for a couple hours and I don't come out until its past dinner time so I don't have to cook.

You need to get out with friends once a week. I don't care if your husband works, you deserve freedom too. If money is an issue or kids, have your friends come to your place and let them bring kids and you all can play games or watch a movie. It will do you some good. Also, make your husband watch the kids.
Tell your husband you want one night off a week where you do not watch kids, take care of kids or cook or clean or do dishes. Its a night to yourself.

ETA: Exactly, Riley...

Original:
Shame on him for making excuses, as if he's justifying the way he makes you feel. That's the worst part of it.

I'd require him to go to marital counseling, if I were you. Find a therapist first who you feel good about. I'd choose a man if I were you because I think he would respect a man more. Make sure you click with him before you take your husband. If he won't go, go on strike in the house and make him miserable until he agrees to go. When he yells at you, leave the house every time until he agrees to go. Don't back down.

It's time to stand up for yourself. Period. You shouldn't have to live like this.

Dawn