Do You Need Much "Validation"? - Vent

I don't really need validation, but sometimes something will happen and then I do. Like one time I cut my hair off- about 2 feet of hair, gone! No one noticed. Not my husband, kids, in-laws. I'm not the type to get upset when people don't compliment my haircut, but something so drastic going unnoticed started to make me feel...invisible.

Also, being around complainers can bring you down. If someone bemoans that she has such a hard job, and everyone jumps in to soothe her, you kinda start thinking "wait a minute, don't we all have hard jobs? Just because I don't complain doesn't mean I have it easy!" People who dwell on the negative will definitely make you start to feel the same way.

It helps so much to have at least one person you can "safely" vent to (mine would be my mom or my best friends). I know very much what you mean and I really liked Marda and Ephie's advice. I think that I am the "responsible one" in my family and where I tend to have my #$^& together (and when I don't, I keep it pretty dang private) plus I am very careful to mask my emotions and I also HATE to ask for favors or help but am more than happy to offer help to others. I am often the "listening ear". With all those traits, I think others assume that I do not need help or validation or even to vent. I think most of the time people think I do not need the help, I am doing great and if anything should be helping them! And I guess I don't need it (help and validation) as much as maybe others do, so that is a good thing, but when I do need it I tend to get resentful because (my own fault) I don't make those needs known. So I guess I will be taking Ephie's advice on that one! :)

I suggest, since you're not complaining, that these people think you don't need positive comments. They may see you as strong and not in need of validation. I learned to talk about what I was doing and how I felt so that others could support me.

After reading your SWH I suggest that counseling could help you to feel less guilty. Your post sounds like you have some important personal/emotional issues to address. You don't have to feel this way.

I'll happily send you many virtual pats on the back. You have my complete admiration if you pull everything off while working full time, in addition to being mom and wife - salary is irrelevent, you are doing what you feel is right to prepare for your future, and that of your kids. All while still remaining sane (despite the dreaded pms days)? Good for you. (You must be a people pleaser, right? It's a tiresome trait to possess.)

I actually don't feel as appreciated as I thought I would being a SAHM. There are days when I really miss the corporate office atmosphere, and being commended and praised for doing such a great job. My boss used to say I was irreplaceable. Even if it was stressful, most days I went home feeling like I was a valuable asset to the company. As a SAHM I feel like I'm doing a good job, but there's no annual review to boost my spirits, no co-workers with whom to laugh and share inside jokes, nor is there as much adult interaction. I don't get to hear "great job!" every day, but despite the exhaustion and immense pressure, I settle with convincing myself that I'm doing my best for a good cause.

TMI, sorry, your post got me thinking. Lol. As many moms know, sometimes it helps to just type out thoughts to clear away the cobwebs. Hugs to you, you're doing a great job! :)

aw, baby. sounds like you're just tired and a bit overwhelmed at the moment. it's all very well to say 'you should be grateful' or 'you suck for having such negative thoughts' but that's not helpful at all. even people with great circumstances can use a little appreciation now and then.
just one good sympathetic friend to whom to sound off can be exactly the release valve you need!
or the old tried and true method of writing therapy. on a particularly pissy day, write out your frustrations. or conversely, if you need a little affirmation, write it to yourself. then read it out loud. then burn it.
it sounds silly, but it's surprisingly effective.
hope today is better!
:) khairete
S.

I do get it, now that I read through your "so what happened". I have a very close friend who is a SAHM and I work full time from home. She often let's me know how amazed she is that I'm able to hold it all together so well. Maybe you just need to borrow my friend. Great for the ego! :) As one working mom to another, I'm amazed by what you do everyday for your kids and your family. It takes great energy, focus, organization and just plain superwoman-ness! Try not to get involved in the conversations that compare how hard life it. Life is a challenge for every family..but it's about the fun you are having. That's what we need to focus on. Congrats on your great job! Sounds fabulous!

I haven't read the other posts. I did read your SWH, though, J.. What I would say is that maybe people are slamming you because of what happened at the Boston marathon and they are thinking about it. So, maybe your complaint is being treated this way because of your timing, more than anything...

I'm going to ignore the timing. You are a nice person and you don't deserve to be slammed here. You are not abnormal. The difference is that you are talking to strangers here. If you were talking to your besties one night having dinner and drinks, they'd put their arms around you, tell you that THEY appreciate your efforts and your life, and you'd feel better. Sometimes it's HOW you talk to people in your life and WHEN, that makes a difference.

J., you're reacting to everyone here, and apologizing all over the place for having "bothered" everyone for feeling like you do. You're making yourself feel awful all over again, worse than you felt before you talked about this.

I'll tell you that lots of times, people aren't appreciated for what they have done until they are dead and gone. People come out of the woodwork and share with family members how terrific they were. There are a lot of people who feel GUILTY that they didn't tell them while they were alive. (Like in the song The Living Years - "say it loud, say it clear, you can listen as well as you hear - it's too late when we die...")

So, why NOT give people validation while they're alive? J., you are not wrong about this, but you've chosen a bad audience to bring it to. So please don't look at your feelings as something to apologize for, put your tail between your legs, slink away and feel terrible about yourself. Regardless of what has been dished out to you here, YES, people DO need to feel validated and acknowledged. They are lying to you if they say differently.

Find the RIGHT people and the RIGHT time to talk to your family and friends. (Maybe after several drinks.) It will help.

Hugs~

You're not a bad person. We all love praise don't we? :) I don't have a high paying job, I work part time but its what I want to do and I'm blessed in that I don't have to work full time. We don't live above our means, we lack nothing. Yes sometimes I get drained too and I just feel beat up..it all seems to go without notice what all I do for my family and how much I put them first. But I've always been able to draw strength from within. I know without a doult that I'm the glue that holds us together. I'm the peacemaker. I'm the calm in the storm in our family. So actually I'm pretty awesome.haha
You need to always remember who you are. You don't need other people to tell you how great you are.....know without doult that you are.

I know I suggest this quite often but I think perhaps you should find a hobby that you love and can be passionate about. You will be much better off if fulfillment comes from inside of you instead of seeking validation from others. I too have a great education (MBA) but I can't even tell you the last time that has come up. I am quite certain none of the parents of my kid's friends know this because I don't feel the need to tell them even though we are friendly and have known each other for years.
I too am a complimentary person and really don't understand when people are not. However, maybe you should be a little less modest so people have the chance to be impressed. Otherwise, you just may have to wait until you retire at 45 and are setting sail for your new villa in the Mediterranean. Then you can bet people will be saying they had no idea how well off you are😋

EDIT. For what it is worth I am so impressed that you are in the top 1% of wage earners. I can't even imagine being capable of making over $350,000 /yr. I guess I should have picked a different field😊. Now I am really curious... What do you do?? Lol

Yes, I too need validation!! I found out that my love language is words of affirmation, so when someone notices something great about me or hat I do, I totally feel loved! I also tend to see all the hard work others do and praise others for things. Like I will notice If a friend just got an awesome eyebrow wax and tell them how fabulous they look, whereas other people might not notice. I tend to give love in a way I understand. Now my hubs language is physical touch, so he will tend to come and squeeze my shoulders, sit super close in church, snuggle before bed etc. I like that but hearing that the restroom I scrubbed that day looks awesome just fills my little love cup:) I tend to praise my husband like crazy, but what I need to do is give him a massage while he tells me what an amazing masseuse I am! Then everybody wins!

i think we all feel this way sometimes.

i definitely think as moms we must all feel it occasionally.

you sound like a very well meaning and polite person, raised with good values not to brag or boast.

being "humble" can sometimes be a burden. because if you brag about it- you're not, lol.

i am not in your position of being very well off because of my hard work and smarts (although i must say i do work hard, and am fairly intelligent lol!) so no, i'm not exactly feeling what you're going through.

but i don't think you are a bad person. i think being the "bigger person" (which i DO have experience with) gets tiresome and frustrating. again - if you say anything about it - you're not.

but i have also seen what being a good person, making kind and generous choices, doing the right thing, can do. i fully believe that what goes around comes around. there was a period in my life when i was more selfish, more egotistical, and less considerate of others, and i made a choice to be a better person, and while it's not a finished project (work in progress!), i have noticed that i seem to have much better "luck", when i make a real effort to do the right thing. so let that comfort you (if it makes any sense!) you are sending good energy into the universe. it will come back to you. hang in there.

Are you feeling badly about not being a stay-at-home mom? And perhaps if people would view your job in a different light (i.e., that it's very important and prestigious) you might be excused somewhat?

If that's the real issue I would work on that. Make peace with what you do or stop doing it. And if you're burned out make a change.

You're doing the best you can. Hang in there.

ETA: With regard to other people - in my experience many people are self-involved. What they say and think is a reflection of them, and not you.

I saw your post yesterday and took some time to think about it and get back to you. I wanted to watch myself during the course of the day and see how it went.

Naw..to honestly answer your question I don't need much validation. I know I bust my arse at what I do and it makes me feel accomplished and fulfilled. And then there are other days I don't bust my arse so much...one of the major reasons I love the freedoms that come with my SAHM job description and benefits.

Even on a day that is filled with a ZUMBA class, sitting with some gal pals poolside sipping ice cold lemonade and then taking a nap while also getting some laundry done, I still feel accomplished.

I don't care if Suzy complains to me about how hectic and busy her life is working her job as a V.P. at a Marketing Firm in San Francisco then schlepping kids around and making dinner and starting the rat race the next day. That is her choice. Her busy life doesn't make me think she is more important. Her big paycheck doesn't make me think she is more important. I think "busyness" and the size of a paycheck often gives a false sense of importance. My husband gives me compliments daily and it feels good..but it doesn't drive me to do what I do.

I don't think you are a bad person at all. You and I have had a couple MP conversations back and forth in the past. You sound like a very compassionate and thoughtful woman who loves her family very much. In our PM's and your SWH on this post I can feel your conflicted, tormented heart. That is a hard load to carry.

You do have it very well financially but you know there is a cost you are paying by working. Sometimes it is very worth it..and sometimes it isn't. Only you and your husband can determine it is worth it for your family. Don't worry about what other people think about your situation...or what they don't know about you. Find a way to make peace with the choices you have made for YOUR family and current and future goals. I personally don't think it makes sense. But I was also among the very few women who responded to your previous post about taking a job that was too good to turn down. I would not leave being a SAHM for 800 grand a year...or more. Now..if my hubby were to die or we had bad financial times hit us then sure...I'd go to work. I have been offered jobs even when I wasn't asking. But we have a good set up going...a very complimentary set up.

Don't beat yourself up. No you are not abnormal. You are doing your best. Let others do their best and keep being humble and looking to give others praise when it is deserved.

I can't relate to your story specifically but as a Sahm, I get very little recognition and it does suck.

I need validation from my close friends that I am not replaceable. I see friendships as sooooo shallow as we age that I often shy away from friends in order to avoid the POSSIBILITY of hurt.

Some years ago, I started making self improvement resolutions on Chinese New Year (why not). Anyway, one year I decided to "voice the compliments that I was thinking to myself." I thought if I was thinking, what a good job, or how thoughtful, or that color blue is very flattering etc, there was no harm in voicing it. It wasn't a stretch to be nice, it was just making sure that the person who I was impressed with/by got to hear my validation/ acknowledgement. JFF another CNY resolution was to "stop b1tching about the weather." Put an end to a lot of small talk in the elevator etc.

J., I enjoy acknowledgement and validation. I would enjoy having more in my life. I hope more comes your way.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

I find myself sometimes doing things so that I can get recognition or a pat on the back. It kind of annoys me about myself, but yeah....I do that too sometimes. Do you have a really close friend or two that you'd feel good talking to? That's what I do for my personal stuff.....for my current project (working out a lot to prepare for an upcoming trip that will be fun but physically demanding), I do seem to eat up the encouragement I get from some ladies at the gym.....don't know them well, but they're ALWAYS there and it means so much when they mention a great workout, or that they noticed some changes.

I used to work in a field where I was the ONLY female employee in the company that wasn't office staff. I was proud of my accomplishments and viewed my job as a challenge and was proud of some skills I developed. But sometimes it felt pretty lonely. I almost think this feeling (not saying YOUR feeling, but MINE) may have been sometime similar to pms. It wasn't all the time, or even monthly, but every once in awhile, I felt lonely and invisible. As a housewife now, I can feel like that occasionally, but then I just pull back from the grind and do something that nurtures me---get back in touch with my bliss, so to speak. For me, that could be a special date night with husband, or leaving the family for a day and delving into my photography hobby, or volunteering with something that takes my attention off myself, I find FUN instead of work, and onto things that help me feel better. You're not a bad person. Just....a person. :)

We all have hard days when we wonder 'what am I doing this for anyway?!' We all like to feel appreciated, too.

What helps me is to thank those around me and then remind myself that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing in this world, here and now. Whether anyone else notices or not-- that's a toss up. Hormonal, grumpy me? Grrr... I'd like a little 'thank you' now and then from the family. (My husband is usually pretty terrific and Kiddo is good on it 75% of the time.) Otherwise, I do try to remember all of the women out there who do exceedingly thankless jobs. The women who do the hard work of caring for the dying and washing the dead. The people who had to go into hard situations-- first responders have been on my mind a lot recently. They do and see things no one should have to-- I often want to thank them for doing the jobs most of us dare not do.

All that said, I mention these things not to make myself or anyone else feel like they aren't doing enough, but to offer a sense of proportion. That is what helps me. Remembering, like you do sometimes, that we have it pretty darn good. Of course, we all have our petty complaints-- I think that's a human nature thing-- it's difficult for some to be satisfied in the moment. I was more like that when I was younger, but the older I become, the more aware I am of the good moments and I try to enjoy them as they come.

I dunno, women have moods/needs that ebbs and flows, with all the rest of the things that we must do, daily.
Thus, we are often on the back-burner.
But we are at the front-lines.
No matter what our life is.

For me: no, I don't need much validation.
I mean, I know who I am, and I know for the most part, that I am doing the best I can. I am a SAHM, I work part-time at my kids' school. It is not what I got all my degrees for in college etc. But I am content.
I validate myself.
Sure, its nice to feel appreciated sometimes. But for me, appreciation and validation of myself, or for myself, are 2 different things.
One comes from within, yourself.
The other comes from externally, of yourself.

I don't really need much validation.
I just know what I do and who I am.
It not being contingent on anything external.
I guess its partly also self-assurance.

Validated by others? (Coworkers, other moms?) Nope.
Appreciated by my family? Yes.
They don't have to say it for me to know I'm appreciated.
All I have to do is "forget" to pack a lunch or something! Lol

I get a lot of my satisfaction from within: knowing I do well at work, knowing my family is provided for and cared for. I don't really need to hear it. I see it. And feel it.

Gotta say, the element of your post involving uour compensation and living below your means makes me uncomfortable. I'm sure a lot if friends have no idea what I make. And I don't know whether they think we live above or below our "means." Nor do I care. Our money, our discretion.

I don't equate pay with " important" in any way shape or form.
And I certainly don't equate pay with character.

I will come at this from my perspective as the wife to a very brilliant physician, who also happens to have tremendous people and management skills--a great trifecta. My husband loves having his ego stroked, but I am not one to do that unless he is feeling blue. I try to be his counterbalance to all the flattery he receives at work, not because I don't think the WORLD of him and his talents, but because I understand the virtue of humility.

I oftentimes remind him that he'd have NOTHING if it weren't for God blessing him with his talents, for giving him the parents who helped nurture his skillset, for his uncle who guided his parents when they immigrated to the US from a war-torn nation, for the amazing school he went to when he came to the US, for the tutor his church sent to his house every day to teach his sister and him English, etc. You can acknowledge your talents if you can remember to give credit where credit is due. My husband would be NOTHING if it weren't for the gifts God gave him. He is well compensated for what he does, and we make sure that he gives back as much as we can of the blessings bestowed upon us.

As for me, I feel average. I did go to a great school and graduated Magna Cum Laude, and was lucky enough to get a student teaching position at one of the top high schools in the country. I'm not using my education in an employed capacity right now. I am at home with my 3 boys, with another on the way. Believe me, there is VERY little validation and acknowledgement when you're home all day, hubby's working 95% of the week, and the kids are always asking for MORE--more time playing with them; a different meal than the one you've just spent an hour making; more toys, etc...It is something I just have to suck up and deal with. Whether I am a professional or just doing my best to be the best SAHM I can be, I try not to worry about the validation. Sure, it'd feel great to hear the appreciation more often, but that's not what motivates me.

My sister has 2 children and has taken the reins of her in-laws' family business, which happens to be the childcare industry. She had a degree in finance and marketing, was making TONS of money at a hedge fund, but didn't feel fulfilled by it, at all. She has since gone on to get her Master's in Early Childhood Administration, has vastly improved the curriculum, employee standards, facilities and procedures at the daycare centers. She has received awards for her efforts, obtained multiple grants for improvements, etc.... You know what? If it weren't for the fact that her family's livelihood and that of all their employees was riding on her back, she'd give it all up for a chance to spend more time with her kids. Awards and accolades really don't amount to much in the grand scheme of things.

Trying to say this nicely. Don't think I am going to pull it off.

I get irritated when it is someone so obviously beneath me acting like I am beneath them based on nothing but wishful thinking. By beneath, pick your poison, looks, wealth, intelligence, education....not saying I am at the top of any of those just I have a good idea where I am at based on data.

So I guess this is not to me an issue of validation but not being able to understand why some are so clueless. So like I don't expect people to be in awe of me or even pat me on the back or thank me, it is just those that are negative, why do they do so based on their fortune cookie of the day?

Ah here ya go. Call me stupid, I have no problem with that but tell me why. Say I am annoying, totally get that, but tell me why?

Ick, sorry, rambling....hope I answered your question in there.