Divorce or Stick It Out?

Go for counsiling and make it a requirement if her wants a family. Tell him he doesn't understand how his behavior is effecting the family. I do not condone pot. Never smoked anything and if my husband of 36 years had ever done one joint that would have been it. It is my opinion that any drug can and does cause birth defects that may go un noticed for years or be visible at birth. I took meds for diabetes with my second child. I was under dr's care and he has big issues. Brain didn't develop right.

Not much to stick around for. Maybe you should look harder before you pick the next one. Pot smokers are always a bad bet.

S.

divorce you should know drugs NEVER should be allowed near kids.its not going to change but dont exclude him from their lifes.you are an ENABLER he needs help. i was once on the fence i made it you can too

Watch the movie Fireproof together. Do the Love Dare. Seek marriage counseling from a Christian perspective. You can get divorced, but since you have kids together, he will always be a part of your life. Don't try to save your marriage just for the kids, do it for yourselves. If he is really wanting to save your marriage give it your best shot. Feelings come and feelings go, but love is a choice, and marriage is a commitment. If you left your children when times got bad and you didn't feel loving towards them the State woud say you weren't a good parent. I understan that it seems like your husband is being quite irresponsible, but something attracted him to you before you married him. Look for those qualities. If you give it everything you've got, you will never regret trying, whatever the final outcome. Just hang in there for now and do the Love Dare (associated with the movie Fireproof.) My prayers are with you today, M..

Carol

Honestly..I say kick his butt out! It sounds like he's already checked out. Several people say marriage counseling, but it sounds like you tried that and he didn't want any part of it. I do think that marriage is intended to be forever, but sometimes things just don't work out. If he's smoking pot he's definitely a bad influence on the kids. They may not be old enough to understand it now, but trust me..they will. Please don't stay in an unhappy marriage just for the children. They'll eventually figure out what's going on and it will make them miserable, as well as yourself. My mom smoked pot the whole time I was growing up and she still does. Thankfully, she didn't have custody of me. I lived with an aunt and uncle. However, their marriage was an unhappy one and I got the brunt of my aunt's unhappiness. I'm not saying that you would ever do that to your children, but it has a way of spilling over in ways that you may not even realize. It sounds like a miserable situation. I hope you can find the answers you need.

I was once is a similar place. My ex-husband was not an active member of the family. He went to work and helped pay the bills but we were not in anything that I would consider a marriage (he was never physically abusive, but he was verbally and emotionally). He cheated on me while I was pregnant with our second child. I took him back after moving out for 2 months and he promised to change and while he never cheated on me again, nothing else changed. What happened for me is that I started to see how our relationship was affecting our son when I got a phone call from pre-school because he punched a girl in the mouth because she was a girl and therefore should not argue with him (something he heard his Dad threaten to do to me while arguing). That was enough for me and we moved out within a week. That got his attention and he finally agreed to go to marriage counseling (something I had been begging him to do for 3+ years). We went to 3 sessions before I said I just could not do it and filed for divorce. I will say it was the absolute hardest thing I have ever done, but at the same time, the absolute best thing I have ever done for myself and my children. My ex-husband never learned from what should have been a life lesson (he had an affair with his cousin/best friend’s wife) and has yet to be in what I would consider a healthy relationship. His dad cheated on his mom for 32 years. They stayed together for the kids. Now that the kids are all out of the house, my ex-mother-in-law has finally filed for divorce (2 weeks ago). She once apologized to me and said that if she had been a better example, maybe her son would not have turned out like his father. My point is that if his foundation of morals are completely different than yours and he is not willing to want to work on things with you so that you two are partners as parents and in your marriage, you are hurting both yourself and your children by staying. But before you make that final decision, do a gut check and make sure that you absolutely know that you have done everything you personally could do to make this work (move out, but don’t go back unless there is counseling). I do hope for you and your children that you and your husband are able to work through this the right way, but if not, don’t settle. Good luck to you.

i'm not one for sugar coating it, so i'll just spill it. what do you think is going to happen when he decides to bring his pot home & god forbid your house gets raided. CPS is going to come in & snatch your children up faster than lightning. kick him out & get you & your children into counseling so they know how to cope with being in a single parent family. your children should come first no matter what. obviously he's not putting them first & he's also teaching them that that's how a family should be & that they shouldn't respect the law because he's breaking it. if you don't boot him out, then you're just as much at fault as he is, because you're condoning it. god be with you.

I'm with Jamie F - he sounds like he may be depressed. My husband and I went through just what you're describing when I was pregnant with our second (turned out to be twins). My pregnancy was just about as difficult as yours sounds, we had just started a new business, moved to a new town and had a challenging 3 yo - all high stress things - and he didn't want to work as hard as he needed to to take care of all of it; he tends to be lazy. In the end, after the fighting and me threatening to leave, counseling was what worked. We went for 6 weeks and he actually worked at it, which amazed me. Turns out he was terrified and overworked and couldn't "be there" for me when he was worried about keeping the business afloat, etc. I had to come back a long way myself, from thinking I didn't love him anymore, wondering if I even needed him especially if he was going to take care of everything before me, etc. So, counseling CAN work. If nothing else, it gives you both the space to know whether you can move forward together. Good luck, honey, I hope you get what you need!

Wow -- this is a tough one. It sounds like he has killed the love you had for him. Is he really young? He must be with the way he is acting. I have a friend in a similair situation. She is with a man she no longer loves and he treats her terrible. I will give you the same advice I gave her. I think you should insist on marriage counseling. Go ahead and make an appointment. Tell him the appointment time and date. And tell him if he is not there...then you are leaving. Give it a shot. If he shows up and wants to put in a real effort then try. But if he blows off the appointment then start looking for another place to live. Don't call a lawyer just yet, but move out. Let him live without you for awhile and see if he changes.

I think people do get divorced too eaily. That is why the divorce rate is 50%. I think everyone should try to save their marriage. But on the same token, you can only put up with so much and then you gotta go.

PS -- if he does make an honest effort and you do try to stay together you need to insist that he be drug free. Do you know that you can lose your kids over pot? If they pull you over and you have the kids in the car and he has a dime bag in his pocket you are in just as much trouble as he is. The pot has to go!! A father with children has no business smoking pot.

DIVORCE should be a LAST resort. You need to remind him that is he wants the keep the family together you have to WORK together. It's a partnership. If he wants counseling (and I would recommend) then make SURE he follows up. You need to tell him that if he doesn't, you realize that he really didn't want it in the first place.

You DO need to sit down and talk and talk some things out. If that means you go away for the weekend, then do it! A marriage is worth it. Both of you make lists as to WHY you married each other in the first place. Talk about those lists. What has changed and why? What can you do/are willing to do to make it work? There HAS to be a compromise on both sides. You need to talk about feelings WITHOUT being accusatory. Each of you need to put yourselves in the other one's shoes. Talk about how that feels. I think one of the saddest things about relationships is that people give up too easily. Working thru things can make your relationship stronger than ever.

Stick it out for your whole family!!! Do what ever it takes!! Counseling is an option, just remember not to take everything to hard. What your husband says may be hurtful but he is opening up his heart and trying to make it work. Do the things he recommends to change and don't dwell on it. Same thing goes for him.
For this reason, a man shall leave his parents and the 2 shall become one. What God has joined together, let man not seperate.
Dive into the Bible for inspiration, talk to your pastor; if you don't have one fond one, it will be worth it!! Good luck and if you haven't seen the movie "Fireproof" that would be a good place to start also!!

Don't stay for the kids. You need to be strong for them, and they WILL see your hurt and frustration. Tell him to leave. It looks like he could stay with his cousin, since that's what he likes to do anyway. I suggest going to counseling, if not marriage, then for yourself. You need to stay strong and confident in yourself, and right now he is not allowing you to do that. He seems like he needs to grow up and learn what responsibility is all about, and he will not do that if you let him continue to act like he is acting. He needs to understand that you are hurting and trying to be the best mom that you can, while doing EVERYTHING else! and he will never see that until you force it upon him.

As you can probably guess, I was in a similar situation. Not completely, but similar. I ended up leaving with our daughter and staying with family for 3 weeks. That was enough to open his eyes and change many things. I, like you was making up excuse after excuse for him and enabling him to continue destroying our relationship and family. I too, thought I had fallen out of love and was unattracted to him, but realized when I was gone, how much I still loved him and was willing to continue to fight for our marriage.

Stay strong! You are a good mom, and you will get through this. You will be in my thoughts and prayers!

Marriage is supposed to be for life, so don't throw in the towel without trying something...especially if he's willing. Check out:

www.retrouvaille.org

And pray...Remember sometimes love is a choice, not about feelings.

God Bless you,

M.

If you are miserable and don't think that you love him anymore then I would not stay with him just for the kids. You need to think if you would be happier by yourself with just the kids or struggling with him every day. If he would agree to go to counceling then I would try that first. You need to think about what would be best for yourself and the kids. You can't live your life being miserable.

M.,
Don't think you are alone; I have been thru the same thing that you are going thru. Yes go to counseling together and maybe someone else can show him that he is not working with you as a family.
I have been to counseling and my husband and I can compromise now.
I could see that I wasn’t perfect either I was doing things that drove my husband to smoke pot and drink all the time. I was not aware that I might be to blame.
The councilor got my husband to see that he was only hurting his family and him self.
Things are not perfect but we are doing much better.

GOOD LUCK!!!

Girl! He got what he wanted! A momma for his daughter! Your child and now the baby are extra "burdens" for him! He's a loser and will NOT change. So stop trying to make him change! IF you want this marriage to work - get the movie Fire proof and watch it together! IF NOT - get rid of him. Using drugs will only increase and it will only get worse. Then comes the beatings and all - think about it!

I could never begin to tell someone how to live their lives. But here is a bit of advice on the subject, take it however you will. I am a child of a divorce and I am divorced myself (though thankfully no kids from the marriage). When my parents were together my sister and I were miserable because they were unhappy and we could tell. I was still young then but kids are perceptive. They split up a couple times and then tried to work it out. At the end we were asking Mommy when Daddy was going to leave again because the house wasn't so tense when he was gone. Sticking it out for the kids, while a noble idea in theory, usually isn't a good one. If you don't want counseling, don't love him, and aren't attracted to him anymore then why stay? There's no reason to stay in a loveless and miserable marriage. You talk about what is right for the kids. Think about something. Would you want your daughter to stay in a marriage like that? What is best for children is for their parents to lead by example in my opinion. Hope this helps but remember this is just one person's opinion. In the end it is a decision that you have to make yourself. My exhusband also smoked alot of pot. Pretty much all day, every day. He couldn't hold a job because of his habit. I supported us. But he did everything at home to make up for that. He was the "house-husband" and did all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and anything else needing done. He was a good man in a lot of ways. But we fought alot and it just kept getting worse. It was hard for me to decide to walk away but in the end it was what I had to do. I have since gotten with a wonderful man and in a week we celebrate our son's 1st birthday. Whenever one door closes, another opens and everything happens for a reason. Good luck!!

M.- You have to want to make it work for yourself-not the children. I have known so many people who have stayed together for their children and when the children are grown, they say that they would have rather had divorced parents than liv ein that environment. If your husband is willing to try counseling, you should at - least give it a try-you never know-it may work out. If you don't try you may always wonder what if. If it doesn't work out, then you can go for divorce.
I hope that everything turns out well for you-marriage is definitly no easy task-and it does take 2 so if he's not willing to change-it's not going to work.

Good luck and I will keep your family in my prayers :)

(I'm going to be pretty direct...)

Only you can decide where to go from here, but consider what's in your children's best interests. (Kids would much rather be from a broken home than live in one. What do you want your children to remember about their childhood? That Daddy smoked pot and never took an active parenting role? Or that Mommy let him? Are either of you behaving in ways that you want your children to model that behavior?)

Further, Marriage is a two-way street, and as Dr. Phil says, I don't care how flat you make a pancake, it's still got 2 sides. (Meaning your side and his side.) He has his issues too, and it doesn't matter whether or not you feel they're valid, they are very important to him.

Initial questions I had were:
Are you going through counseling now?
If you are, do you feel it's helping?
If you aren't, why not?
How long has the smoking pot been going on?
How often does he come home high?
Are either of these likely to change?
What are you willing to do to make things work?
What is he willing to do to make things work?

(Insanity is enduring the same thing day-in day-out and expecting things to change. Things won't change until one or both of you does something to MAKE a change....a ball will continue rolling down a hill until/if/when something stops it or alters its course.)

Consider what you want to happen.
What are you willing to do to get there?
What do you want from him? (Is it reasonable?)
Talk to him about it all.
(For example, maybe tell him you want both of you to go to counseling; he needs; he needs to quit smoking pot - no excuses; he needs to help you around the house and with the kids, and you two need to negotiate what that's going to mean, etc.)

Know what your deal-breakers are, because sometimes it's better to just cut him loose and be the parent that your kids need and deserve.

For what it's worht, and good luck!

Honey, I am the last person on earth to tell anyone to leave their spouse. I firmly believe that marriage is for better or worse...but I will tell you it's time to give him an ultimatum. Get clean & grow up, or get out.

His drug use could land DCFS (or what ever it's called in your state) in your house. If he's high, he's not safe to be around your children (and I do have quite a bit of experience dealing with pot heads, I know they're not typically violent or anything of the like, they're just stupid & irresponsible).

Tell him it's time to be a dad & a part of the family & the drugs HAVE to go. They are not worth losing your kids over.

Hi M.! Sorry you're going through such a hard time with your marriage/family life. I can totally understand your feelings and frustrations. I would recommend, even if you don't think you love him anymore, try counseling. A lot of your "not loving him" and "not being attracted to him" is because of your anger and resentment towards him. You loved him once. IF he is willing to try counseling I think that is a great start and you need to get out all of your frustrations/feelings, etc. as well as hear him out on his feelings. Marriage is HARD work and with the children (step or otherwise), that just complicates things even more. If both parties are willing and you can find a good reputable counselor, I hope you both would put forth the effort for your marriage, first, and your children, second. Your children need to see that you and your husband have a secure relationship to feel secure themselves. Your marriage is the building block of that family and how those children will develop. I know, easier said than done. Good luck! :-)

I suggest that you go to a counsler by yourself to help you figure our what is best for you. First empower yourself then you can either go to couples counsleing or you might find divorce is the best answer. Just remember the first hundred years are the hardest and everything happens for a reason.
L.

M., It takes 2 to make a relationship work. You have to go by what a person does more than what they say. Counseling is good if both are committed to working it out. If not counseling is not going to fix it. I don't think it's a good idea to stay in a relationship because of kids. They know when situations are not good. Don't waste your youth being unhappy. Life is too short. Stay in a relationship as long as it works, when it doesn't it's time to move on. Go where you are Celebrated, not where you are Tolerated.
Best Wishes,

J.

M., do you really think this is all you and your children deserve? If so, stay, but I doubt you feel like you or your children deserve this life. You are risking your children by staying in this relationship and your mental and emotional health. Not to mention that "staying for the kids" is teaching them that this type of relationship is what they should expect for themselves as adults. He needs to man up and make some sacrifices if he really wants you to stay, but he will not work on his issues until you prove to him that you deserve better than what you are getting from him right now.

Well, as an old married person, (25 years), I just want you to know that you are not alone. Most marriages have periods of time when things are just horrible.

Mom with a young child is really difficult for the dad because he just feels like you don't love him anymore because you spend so much time with the baby. Yeah, irrational, but men are that way.

My DH went cheating on me when my kids were little and I understand how you feel. What's better for the kids? worthless father or no fathe? It's a really tough decision.
I can't tell you what to do, but I waited it out (didn't really have the money to get a divorce at the time), I recommend going slowly. You can always get divorced later but once you do, you can't really go back.

I believe love is a choice , not a feeling. Choose to treat your husband as if you love him. If the situation continues, you might want to give him the choice...you and the children or his friends and his pot. It's time for him to grow up.

My husband came around, although it took a couple of years. He is a good husband now. I choose to remain his wife and I believe it was the right choice for all concerned. You may find a different answer, but make sure it is the one you want to live with for the rest of your life. Don't forget to pray.
God Bless,
L.

You've gotten a lot of advice. I just wanted to suggest that you rent the movie "FIREPROOF" and see if your husband will watch it with you. It's a great movie for people in your situation. Even though the characters' situation is different, I think that it will give you both some things to think about.

Go to counseling, make sure you tell all- including that he smokes pot. If that works, great. If not, then at least you can say you tried.

Yes you both should try counseling, if he does'nt want to go, then you continue going. I don't know if you belong to a church but if you do, ask you paster to recommend a religous marriage counsler. Know matter what the outcome if he attends or not, you will know you have tried everything you could to make it work and in the process be strengthen.

Im so sorry to hear this! You and your children must be going through a lot :( Ok Im not a marriage counselor or anything but if my husband acted this way I wouldnt put up with it. I too had to go on strict bedrest during my pregnancy, and my husband stepped up and helped me with everything. He's not perfect! But during that hard time for us, he did what he had to do. He worked full time and took care of the house, laundry, etc. If he wouldnt have, I would have thought MUCH differently of him. You say should you stay with him for the kids? It sounds like he doesnt care to spend time with them anyway... With that all said, if youre heart is not totally into leaving yes I'd try counseling. Give it a shot. See what happens. Better yet!! Get him into some drup therapy/counseling/rehab anything! He has a problem. He might care more about the importance of his family if he didnt care so much about smoking pot. There are a lot of issues here and they could all very well be stemming from that? I dont know. Just a thought. I hope this may have helped you some.

Okay, first of all I NEVER think divorce is the best option when children are involved. However, sometimes it can't be helped. Also, since your husband smokes pot, that makes all this ten times worse. He should never smoke pot, and be around your children. I think possibly your husband knows he's a bad father and husband, but likes to have that label so it can make up for the fact that he smokes pot and does nothing for you and the kids. The only problem is, for those of us who don't smoke pot and do cherish our families, we know the label means nothing if you're not actually there for your spouse and children. Your husband NEEDS to quit smoking pot, and care more about his family. Best of luck to you!

i wasn't going to respond, but after reading a couple of entries that imply how sinful it is to get divorced, i felt like i wanted to say even the good lord knows some things can't be fixed; i ask these ladies if they've ever heard of annulment? that's not to say that i don't value marriage and take seriously the commitment made between a man and a wife.

with that said, divorce is a very difficult thing to go through no matter whether you're the one who wants it or not. so why not try counseling, even if you go by yourself. i think it will help you. plus, i really got a lot of a book called the five love languages. they may have it at the library - it couldn't hurt. http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/

best of luck and i hope it works out the best way for everyone involved.

Sounds as if you are both in a lot of pain and need individual as well as couple counseling. You have delt with your pain by taking to bed rather than facing it. He has turned to pot to numb the stress and pain. This is not good for either of you or your children. Try to deal with what you are in control of first....yourself. Then you may find he has more interest. Also one of the things men respond to most is respect. So even in the small things he does show appreciation. When you are willing ask his advice. Tell him what you respect about him. And that you missing spending time together. Nobody wants to spend time with someone who is stressed out after a hard day work. Feed him respect and he will feed you love.

Look up tapes by Echriches online. I could save you both a lot of counseling. Also listen to New Life Ministries online or on the radio 93.3. There is hope. But two people cannot relate if they are suffering themselves. Dig in and find out the source of your pain. Then the hope will bring fruit.

Don't put the expectations on him but first on yourself becoming healthy and supported with other moms and friends and activities. Then invite him to participate in the life of a whole person. You cannot change other people but you can be an inspiration to their change.

Best of luck. How we handle the difficult times is how we build strong relationships. When we strengthen ourselves thru getting the support we need from others we strengthen the relationship. The kids will get easier when you get stronger too. The sun can shine again.

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. I didn't read all the other responses, so I don't know if I'm repeating what others have said. I think you need to give him an ultimatum and tell him that you need to see that he is serious about wanting to stay together or you are going to leave him on such and such a date. Maybe require him to keep a certain number of marriage counseling appts. and also get help to stop using pot by a set deadline. I'm a strong believer in marriage, but sometimes you have to apply some pressure to cause things to change.
Staying together "for the children" is not a good reason if they see you being miserable and your husband using pot and not helping you or spending time with the family. However if you both love each other and want to find a way to make your marriage work, your children will benefit from seeing your love and commitment to each other.

You owe it to your children to get counseling. Divorce is a last resort when nothing else works. If he didn't follow up, you find someone and tell him when and where to be. No one is in love all the time, it comes and goes and it's hard to love someone who doesn't respect you (and he obviously doesn't no matter what he says...you don't treat the woman you love the way he's treating you if you respect her). But you hope that while one partner's love wanes a bit the other's is enough to pull both through until you can get past it.
Good Luck:)

M.,

I would try counseling, but if it doesn' feel like it's working for you, then it probably won't. If he's not putting any effort into helping you with anything, then i'd get out of the whole situation, it's not worth your happiness!

Unfortunately no one on this site can answer that question for you. Only you can decide if you want to stick it out or not. Of course the best thing would be to try for the kid's sake, but which would be worse: livig in a loveless household or having divorced parents who can at least get along? I don't know what the right answer is. I will say that it sounds like you can't go on the way you are. My ex was the same way. I tried for two years to get him to change and eventually gave up. We've been divorced for 4 years and from what I hear he is still the exact same now. I think only you know if he has the ability to change. Don't let anybody tell you what to do! Take advice, definitely, but at the end of the day it's your life! Good luck honey!!

M., I would tell him it the marriage counseling or a divorce. Sadly the divorce rate is so high, and I helped contribute to it, but no woman or man should have to live with someone who makes your life miserable. The kids will start noticing the strain between you no matter how young they are. Its better to get them counseling for a divorce then to let them grow up in a home with such bitter parents.Remember, they live what they learn. Best of luck to you! C.

He needs to stop the pot smoking and take back his responsabilities as a Father. Is he bringing the pot home ? Kids get very curious when they find that stuff. You could try marriage counceling but I really do not think it would help. I recently sent my boyfriend packing out of here because he was not only smoking pot but had started drinking alcohol and lieing and stealing the household money for his addictions.Now he is homeless but I am happy that I don't have to worry about him stealing money or coming home drunk or stoned. Men don't understand that thier behaviors are like teenage boys when they do these things and we loose all interest in them as partners.We are not thier Mommy's and are not responsible for the bad judgement they use. I would find a good attorney and go from there and if you change your mind and let him stay I would demand drug testing .

M.,

First of all, I'll contradict the person who said that you should try to stay together for the kids. Absolutely not! He has already proven that he isn't interested in the kids and if he continues to smoke pot, your sitation will only get worse. You are a mother and it is your responsibility to do what is best for your children. You need to decide if you honestly believe that your husband can change and WANTS to change. If he would become a good father, would you love him again?

Best of luck to you,

C

Hi M.
My hubby and I have been through a really tough time and it started before I got pregnant. There were a lot of other high-stress things going on and plenty of times when the word divorce was thrown into the mix. When I realized that I was pregnant I cancelled the word divorce from my vocabulary and really started to work on me and what I bring to the marriage: good and bad. I also really tried hard to walk in my husband's shoes and see him as a person and what he is going through. I know that many have told you not to stay together for the kids. I say, it's a good starting point if you are willing to do everything in your power to get a better marriage. And I tell you sometimes you almost have to be violently determined to take back what is yours and just take it. Prayer was definitely the most important component of our marriage getting better. And really it was mostly me praying. Another lady recommended the book: The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian and I would also highly recommend it. My hubby and I went to counseling and while it didn't bring immediate change, it encouraged my husband to start trying. You are dealing w/the influence on drugs on your husband. I don't care what type of drug it is: pot or "hardcore", drugs have a way of influencing and distorting our minds. We don't think clearly when we are under the influence of drugs (alcohol included). So I think, you will also have to deal w/your husband's addiction to pot. I say a great starting point is counseling. If you believe in God, find a Christian counselor. Even if you have to go by yourself in the beginning, go by yourself. It will greatly benefit you. It sounds like your husband was interested in counseling at some point and would probably go with you. Don't throw in the towl yet. Give it everything you got to work it out and stick with it. Perseverance always pays off. Keep your eyes on what your marriage will be and not what it is now. And take one day at a time. Hang in there.

Because you are taking the time to write for opinions tells me that there is definite hope in your marriage. Marriage is for better or for worse and trying absolutely everything you can before giving in is your obligation. Prayer is a powerful thing. Ask God for his guidance and direction. To change your heart. I will do the same for you. Also, have you seen the movie "Fireproof"? If you haven't, I highly suggest watching it. If you can watch it with your husband, do that. The movie talks about Love Dares. There is a book that you can buy called "Love Dare". It will change your marriage. You can get it reasonably from Amazon.com
Another good book and study guide is the Power of the Praying Wife by Stormie O. (can't recall her last name) Don't give up yet. Give your marriage an honest effort of trying and through prayer you will be amazed at the outcome. My prayers are with you.

M.-

Bless you for even asking, and bless your dear husband for at least being willing. You all have so much going for you despite what is against you.

I'm on the outside and it is easy to look at things from this viewpoint. . .I know you have your hands full with 3 children and being pregnant. Being pregnant alone is enough to make one extra emotional, irritated, tired, etc. Of course you know it will only continue after the birth with taking care of an infant.

Three questions I have: will your load be any easier without your husband, or will it just get harder?

Do you suppose your husband is experiencing depression? All of his behaviors you described are definitely symptoms of it. Maybe he just feels lost right now and is wanting to do or be more, but is ironically taking the opposite approach. He may be overwhelmed.

Last, how will this effect your children who have already been through such instability in parental relationships? How will this effect your husband who doesn't want to give up?

Focus on the years ahead. Get through this difficult time and the later years will be all the sweeter than if your marriage were just a piece of cake and your husband was the perfect man.

My parents used to have some real yelling sessions. A lot. Afterwards they'd always tell me that they were trying to work things out and that "divorce is not an option." You can't believe the security that gave me as a child and even now as an adult. They still drive each other nuts half the time, but their 50th wedding anniversary was such a moment of J. because we knew that they had preserved and helped our family and each other in a way that giving up and divorcing never could have. . .ever. We spent their 51st anniversary together this past December--all the kids, spouses, grandkids. There were tears of J. when we all gathered . . .there was no present or activity that could compare to those moments.

Hang in there. Start by writing 10 things about your husband that you love--or could possibly. :-) In my life, praying is what always helps me most.

Good luck. You're doing a hard, but GREAT job.

J.