My son is VERY strong willed. We struggle to get him to listen to DH, and he blatantly ignores me when I tell him to stop something, etc...
Time outs haven't worked with him for a long time...
We keep trying, because we don't know what else to do... but he'll usually trash his room (he's actually taken hinges out of his door...don't ask me how!). It's now escalated to hitting me and shoving me, if I try to remove him from a situation.
We've tried the Supernanny approach..and that's not working either (calm, keep putting him back in the same spot, acknowlege the behavior, ask for an apology)... When I try to put him back...that's when the hitting and kicking and physical struggles kick in.
Does anyone have any good books, or approaches they use for their strong willed kids?
Some background...everything is normal at home...no major changes to any routine or styles. He goes to school and listens very well to his teachers. He does great for the nanny....
It really seems that I am the problem. I'm not sure what I'm doing that he's lashing out at me, but I really need to nip whatever it is in the bud! Any suggestions?
Thanks all!
It's worth noting that I am totally willing (and have) spanked him. Kind of the "you hit me, I'll hit you back" strategy.
He's totally indifferent to it. It literally has had zero impact on curbing behavior. So I'm not opposed to it, it's just not working....
Thanks for the book suggestions. I'm going to pick up a couple of these to try before we go the counseling route. I'm hoping that's a last resort.
1-2-3 Magic is a good one. I use it with my toddler and preschoolers and it is also useful for older kids. I borrowed it from the public library.
One poster said "normal for this age"? NO, that is absolutely not normal. Never have I been hit or kicked by my child. I think it might be time for more than just books. I think you might need some outside help. I would ask your ped first but maybe he can recommend a parenting class or a family therapist. He doesn't sound "strong willed" because he behaves for everyone else. He sounds angry and it will only get more difficult as he gets bigger and stronger.
The Strong Willed Child by Dr. Dobson. It's christian based.
Normal for this age. I find love and logic, how to talk so your child will listen.
, and if I have to tell you one more time, and taking charge: caring discipline, all helpful books.
I'm on my iPad, or I would provide links.
Love and Logic is one suggestion which I am somewhat familiar, have heard good things about... this is one parenting program which you could attend classes/workshops for and receive the support of other parents.
I also would suggest (bookwise) JoAnne Nordling's "Taking Charge: Caring Discipline That Works at Home and At School". This book takes an observational approach and asks the parent to notice what happens around misbehavior, to identify which 'type' of misbehavior they are seeing (there are four types) and then offers suggested corrections. I have had good experiences using these discipline techniques.
Julie's suggestion of "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen...and how to Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish is a helpful book on relationships in general.
Also, see if there is a Parent Support Center or Network in Chicago. It's so hard when they 'save' it for you, which is what I think some of this is. If he's doing well for others except you and dad, then that's also such a challenge. Having other parents in your life who can relate is important, or if that doesn't appeal, you might consider a parenting class or family counseling.
Here's a link to some parenting support services in the Chicago area:
http://www.birthlink.com/directory/parenting.html
Smart Discipline by Larry Koenig You can check it out from the library.
http://www.chipublib.org/search/details/cn/1769320
They also have a website for support and upcoming seminars in the area.
http://www.smartdiscipline.org/services/calendar/IL.shtml
Good luck & hang in there!
John Rosemond will solve your problems if you follow what he says. I had a daycare parent that I kept telling her to do what he said and she didn't do it or did it then gave up or didn't do it all the way.
Well, finally she had to face reality cause the older child was becoming a monster at school, events and with her. She "found" him (I had mentioned him many times) and actually did what he said to do and within a week the behavior had improved. It's a month later and she says life is finally good.
I just want to say we are going thru similar challenges with our son and he's the same age. I think part of it is the age. Our son knows if he hits any one in the house then he is sent to his room and we take away his IPod (he has my husbands old one and he cherishes it). He could care less about time outs too so if it's something where he doesn't listen when I tell him to stop playing with his cars on the walls/furniture then the toys in his hands are gone for the rest of the day and he has to earn them back the next day by doing something nice (getting dressed without asking, feeding the dog, helping his sister etc). Also, have you tried a chore chart? We needed to start focusing on positives with him because it felt like we were always saying no etc. so we started a chore chart where he gets a sticker every time he does something on the chart (make his bed, clean his room etc.). Some days are really good but other days I would gladly send him to military school in the Fall for kinder!
I am reading a great book right now called The Way of Boys by Anthony Rao, PH.d. He mentions that time out for a lot of boys don't work. Redirecting, direct action like taking away toys is a better attempt. He also suggests sending them to their room to calm down when they are having a melt down works. I would highly recommend it...from one mom of a strong willed 3.5 year old to another.
Best of luck.
