Advice on My Child Who Thinks She's the Boss

sorry it went before I was ready, anyway discipline i think discipline is the only key, to a well behaved child. J.

Sounds like a very frustrated little girl. How much sleep does she get? Cause my two year old is horrid when she doesn't get enough sleep, and 'the experts' say that kids need like 10-12 hours of sleep till they are like 18 actually, now that I think about it, but for sure until they are ten. It also sounds like she wants/needs more time outside. You might get her involved in soccor or tee ball or something like that. Horseback riding? Or spend more time at the park.
Plus, she is five. You can talk to her. Tell her that hitting is not ok in school. If you don't have outdoor activities around, maybe a self defense class that teaches when to hit and when not too...
Also, relax. You cannot control the situation. You can make it more enjoyable to act in a certain way, you can make it less enjoyable to act in a certain way, but other than that she is a little person with thoughts feelings and motivations that are not yours. She is not you. She is not your husband. she is not your mother or sister or best friend. She is her and someone who could be a lot of fun to guide and challenge. it can be very hard to have a strong willed child, but it can also be very rewarding.
I have found that repeating things doesn't work for us. I give her the terms of the whatever (clean the room by the time the song ends or go to time out) and then enforce them. It is working for us, but it is hard work to resopond to each situation as it arises. I like to plan ahead a little, but it is less effective for us...
Good luck
R.

I am a retired teacher and Family wellness Coach. Your question is not uncommon.

Here is what I know…
I know that parenting involves rules.
I know that parenting is not always “nice” but it is always win-win.
I know that parenting is about setting guidelines for health and safety.
I know that parenting is about being in the lead, not a follower, not a friend and for sure not a servant/door mat etc.
I know that parents who set boundaries for their children, and stick to them, parent more, love more and enjoy their children more.
I know that kids respect consistency, love and boundaries, even if they tell you otherwise.

Parenting is not always easy. But truly when you know your morals, your principals and your values, parenting is EASY. Stand firm in your beliefs.

If you BELIEVE that a child should be praised, then praise him, it is not difficult when it comes from your heart.

If you believe that a child should _______________ (fill in the blank with your belief) then stick to it. No amount of complaining or arguing should change what you know to be true. (from your or your child)

So know what you expect as a parent, so that your child is clear with what to expect as your child and there will be no need for “discipline” only love and parenting.

And as for "My husband and I are very frustrated with her attitude and feel like we're loosing our minds." She is your CHILD, she deserves your love and understanding even when everything looks hopeless. It is not about what is easy or hard, it is about your role as a parent and her role as a child.

You and your husband have to know what you both want. You whave to be on the same page and you HAVE to communicate that with your daughter. She is not in control, you are. Take a stand, be direct, be consistent and most of all love her.

Words like: "we don't hit in this family". If she hits, remind her of your family ethic, no hitting. Now you are wondering what the consequesnce is if she hits...here's the thing, there is no consequence. Your rules are no hitting. She must learn that, bottom line. (Of course, you may have to physically remove her from a situation where she is hitting someone or you remove that person from her range until she fully understands). There is never an either or, it is what it is. no hitting. That is what is. When you are consistent and her tantrums and her sass talk goes ignored and when she is removed from "fun" or "family" because she does not repesct the family rules, she will learn. They all do. Kids are craing boundaries and guidlines and consistency. Be the parent, always, there is no rest for this job, it is full time, forever. I am 40 and my mom still "parent's" me and my decisions. It is what we moms do, we lead, guide and inspire.

If you want more suggestions, eamil me.

B.
Family Wellness Coach

I had a very similar story with my middle son at the same age. He would fight me on everything. I would have to force him into his car seat, everything was a battle. At school if he wanted something he would just take it or hit push the other child to get it. I was at a loss of what to do we were raising him exactly like our older child who never behaved that way. Anyway, We ended up changing his pre-school the one he was at was very "open" the kids had a lot of choices and not a lot of structure the new one was more struture based its time for carpet, art what ever it was. His teacher was amazingingly kind and always found somethin positive to say about him it was the miracale we were looking for all of a sudden he was a gentleman opening the door be nice & kind to others. It was a very hard first 4-5 years but ever since then he is truely one of the best behaved children I know. He is now 15 and everytime I tell one of his horror stories to people who didn't know him back then they can't believe he could of ever acted that way. I just wanted to encourage you stay strong pick your battles and make sure she is in an enviroment that is good for her personality. Does she like her teacher, school friends does she miss you at school does she always behave this way can you give her more choices in day to day things? Another thing that worked with my oldest who would cry in kindergarten because she didn't want me to leave was to have a friend or someone else drop her off at school she wouldn't cry if I wasn't there just a thought. Good luck and try to spnd the next few days giving her positive feedback and see if she doesn'tcome around.

Sounds like you have a little leader on your hands! Some kids are just wired to be in charge, which can be very challenging for a parent since WE have to be the ones who are really in charge!

I highly recommend the book "You Can't Make Me (but I can be persuaded)" by Cynthia Tobias. She is a genius at dealing with strong willed children. I read this book when my wild child was 2 and I was losing my mind. It made all the difference!

My daughter is now 4 1/2 and an absolute delight. The book helped me learn how to relate to her in difficult situations so that we both get what we want. Everybody wins, so everybody's happy! No more fighting, no more yelling. It's wonderful!

In the meantime, patience and persistence are key. It's clear that she acts this way because she is feeling out of control in some way and has no way to cope with her intense feelings. Help her navigate these crazy waters - remember, she's new at this.

Best of luck to you and your precious girl!!

I've been taking a very helpful parenting class called "Positive parenting" based on a book "Positive Discipline" by Dr. Jane Nelsen It's provided me tons of techniques beyond time out and given me support and encouragement from other parents. But even more helpful is that it shows you how to use the child's misbehavior to figure out their motives and then address the underlying issue rather than the behavior alone.

Unfortunately some of the problems with using rewards and punishments to modify our kids' behavior is that it teaches them to behave well out of fear or for a reward, and not because of an internal standard, so then someday when you don't have a reward or punishment to give them, or when you are not there, they lose the incentive to obey. I have so many friends who told me that rather than obey their strict parents they simply learned to lie and sneak around.

I really recommend this class. You can google "positive parenting class" and your city and see if anything comes up. I found mine through a local community ed center as well as at a local church. If not, perhaps the book can still be helpful.

God bless.

Hi D.,

I bought a great book called "Have a new kid by Friday" by Kevin Lehman........he also writes "How to make your child mind without losing yours".

Great books.....good luck

She's the boss because you let her be the boss. Reward good behavior and discipline the negative with time outs and loss of favorite things. Tell her how much you love hearing her use the nice and sweet voice. Say that you don't understand her or can't hear her when she uses the "other" voice. Simply treat her like a 5 year old. When she acts 2, then treat her like a 2 year old. Be the adult.

Every child wants to test their boundaries. The simple truth is that having the boudaries enforced makes them feel safe and secure.

My son liked to throw temper tantrums. He learned that it didn't work for him at home, so he tried in public. He was shocked when I found a "corner" by the mailbox on the sidewalk. I told him that I could find a corner ANYWHERE. The public tantrums didn't last long. I've never been afraid to cancel a trip to Disneyland, turn around and go straight home when we were heading to the playground etc. because of unacceptable behavior. I've always followed through. Now people regularly comment on how well behaved my kids are...and they are very happy little people. We have lots of fun, but they know it can all disappear too. The behavior is up to them, the consequences/rewards are up to me, their teachers, and the world.

It's very hard and a huge responsibility for a little person to be the head of the family. She's no happier with the arrangement than you are.

Good luck!

Hi D.,
This is a tough one because no one wants to believe that their child is some sort of bully. It sounds like she believes she is the boss because you allow her to be at home. What kind of discipline do you carry out at home? It needs to start there.
Finding a disciplinary action that works for her will be difficult. Finding a spot in the house where it is secluded and continuously putting her back into the spot over and over and over(for time outs)may just be necessary to "brake" her. It can also take a very long time to do so.
Giving in is never an option. Kids need structure and if you are always giving in, then she will always believe that she will win. You and your husband are the boss, so that means growing a backbone and believing you are the boss. NO means NO, and that it IT!!!!!
I always believed that Supper Nanny has great ways of disciplining. She does have a book out there. Or you can even try to get her to your house!
Sounds like your daughter needs a serious attitude adjustment, She needs to learn that you have to give respect before you can receive it.
Try stripping her room of toys and then making her earn them back. Each time she is disrespectful (home or school) then her rooms gets stripped again of all toys and then earned back again slowly. That should include the fun things she likes to do outside of the home as well.
She is old enough to understand that there are consequences to her actions. Also, could there be something going on that she is not happy about? New sibling, new enviornment, arguing in the household? Kids can pick up on everything, so be careful if you argue with your husband. She may also need some special time with her mommy. When she is good, take her somewhere special, or let her know that if she is a good girl then you will spend some alone time with her. It's very important that kids know that they are special.
Good luck!

There are some books you should read. Dare to discipline and the new strong willed child. Both are by James dobson. Also Parenting with love and logic for the 2-6 year olds and 1-2-3 magic by ???. My 2 1/2 year old starting pulling this stuff on me and I got really worried. I am a Part time elementary school teacher and do not want a badly behaved child on my hands. I see daily what happens when parents don't teach their children to respect authority. I read these books and have been taking the parts that apply and applying them to my daughter and we have had a tremendous turnaround. You need to be in control. Time out wasn't working for my daughter So i starting taking away her babies, you can take away whatever will make your child listen and learn. I give her 3 chances before i take anything away. when she acts up i say " If you continue i am going to take away _____" then if she does it again I say " that's 1" then "that's 2". I almost never have to say that's 2 anymore. she has totally turned around!

I have a strong-willed child too, and while it isn't easy, it's important to remember that she is behaving this way to exert control because she's afraid. When she behaves aggressively, you can try to get her to calm down enough to tell you what's really going on. She's 5, she can tell you. I'd highly recommend the parenting book Beyond Consequences, which is a positive parenting model. The fear based model might have instant results (so the child sits in a time out and learns that there will be a dire consequence), but doesn't teach anything about what they can do when they're frustrated. She needs to learn how to use words to express herself, rather than screaming and hitting.

Good luck! Get yourself some support - a parenting class is always a great idea. Therapy is useful only if the therapist isn't using a "blame the child" model.

I think Julie and Marla gave you good advice (among others).

What I can't believe is that no one thus far suggesting SPANKING this "strong willed child" when she misbehaves so badly (and so often). Right now she thinks she is the boss because she IS the boss. Time for you and your husband to show her who is boss. Once she understands that, you can resume all the nice stuff, and "positive" discipline. My point is that sometimes a child doesn't respond to the soft stuff and needs a firm hand.

both of my kids were doing the EXACT same things! i have a boy and a girl that both acted like they were in charge of everyone and they are still very bossy with their friends, but its under control now!

what happened with my kids was that they had to share a room and i always made them share everything! all their toys and anything we had in the house was for sharing. but it turned out that with their personalities that was a bad idea, they are leader types and very take charge kind of kids. so when my son was about four his preschool called with the exact same complaints as what you had written your daughter was doing. they suggested that we give him a little more "responsibility" so that he can feel like he is more in charge, but with the grown ups still keeping the upper hand. to be more specific, we gave him his own shelf in his room up high where his sister couldnt get to it, and he could put all his special stuff on his shelf as long as he promised to keep it tidy. we also gave him special chores around the house that were special for him and nobody else could do them. we basically made all this stuff sound really special and important. i think that made him feel special and important.
he is now seven and to this day he still has his special box and shelf that nobody can touch, he is also responsible for his own toys and clothes and he even has done his own laundry! he was so proud of himself to see his clothes cleaned and it was something that he did.

my daughter was different, shes a super drama queen! i have to tell her that she is only in charge of her things but mommy and daddy and teachers are in charge of her, sometimes i say she can be in charge of her little brother, so i let her "babysit" him in the bedroom to let her feel like a big girl, shes four and her brother is 15 months. she also loves to pretend that she is the mommy and i am her. so i let her do it every once in a while to get the bossyness out of her system!

This is hard, I know. I have a 5-year old who thinks she is the boss as well and time outs still have some impact on her but I can see where it won't be of much use pretty soon. I'm thinking that positive behavior modification maybe in order for both of our daughters. Create a "rules" chart that itemize no more than 3 behaviors that you would like see from her like "good attitude", "no talking back" and "keeping her hands to herself". And then create a goal chart where she has 4 or more chances through out the day to earn stickers for spontaneously exhibiting those core values both at home and at school. If she earns 28 stickers (4x/day x 7 days), she gets to earn a special reward like going out to dinner with you, going to a movie, etc. They say it takes 21 days to change a habit, so do this same thing for an additional 2 weeks and you should be on your way to having a better behaving daughter.

Hoping this helps.

Hi there. Your posting describes your daughter as a "child who thinks she's the boss". I question if you're right. I seriously doubt your daughter has control over her behavior, and probably does not like it either. She sounds emotionally out of control.

Your daughter would benefit from professional help.It is not typical for a 5 year old to hit, scream, or kick out at teachers. Run, don't walk, to a good therpist now. Good luck.

You are lucky that the pre-school is accepting her. Most would not tolerate this behavior. You really need advice on parenting skills. Maybe you should get some advice from a pediatrician. It would be nice if the nanny on t. V. Could come to your home. If you'v ever watched that show she give's some great advice.

I have 3 boys - 16, 7 and 5. My oldest is a very strong-willed person and always has been. My middle child is high functioning autistic and my youngest has a rare disorder called Prune Belly Syndrome and needs a lot of medical attention. This is what I have done with all my boys - when they talk back, I cut them off and tell them calmly that the way they are speaking to me is "unacceptable" and that when they can speak to me in a nice fashion, I will listen. Yes, I use the word unacceptable. If they whine and cry I tell them to breathe (they can't whine or cry when they are focusing on breathing) and I tell them "I don't understand the language of whine, so breathe and when you can speak to me in a normal voice, come talk to me." That usually works best.

As far as the hitting goes, I am not completely against spanking, but IMO the only way that is effective is if it is done extremely sparingly. Children at that young age only know what we (and some as a society) teach them. If we hit, they hit. They feel it is acceptable. My oldest was extremely violent at the age of 4 (ADHD) and would hit, punch, trip, etc. everyone, including my grandmother whom we took care of. His teacher wanted me to medicate him but I didn't want to, so I did a LOT of research, modified his diet and did what I call "hug therapy" on him. Whenever he went into a rage, I would sit, criss cross applesauce, with him on my lap, his arms basically held down and hugged him. He would yell that he hated me, he would struggle to get out of my grasp, and I would sit there, rock him and tell him I love him in almost a whisper. At first it was a nightmare, but I know it worked for him. It took a little less than a month and he no longer had the aggressive behavior. As a matter of fact, he began to be a "defender" of sorts for the underdogs in school. We have a great relationship now and he has learned to control himself without medication.

I place my children in time out mostly when they misbehave and the key with getting that to work is consistency. Pick your battles...is it really worth it to fight with her over what shirt she wears? Once I put my children in time out (which in our house is the third step up on the stairs), if they tried to get out, I would put them back. Much easier said than done, but if you are consistent (and grit your teeth in the beginning) you will succeed.

Also, IMO, if you are out of control, you are showing your children that it's ok to get out of control. You can't expect your child to control themselves, if you cannot control yourself. I get the whole frustration aspect and how hard it can be to keep your own temper, I get it. What I did when I got to my boiling point was put myself in time out and told my children that I needed a time out too because I needed to think.

I also made a rewards chart for them at home (big dry erase board) and would hang the "prize" above the chart for them to see what they could get after a week of behaving. We had things like, "helped with hands/feet", "followed directions", "cleaned bedroom", "picked up after themselves", stuff like that. It would change with the years and for everything they did well, they would get a green check and for everything they didn't do so well, they'd get a red x. If at the end of the week, they had 5 out of 7 green checks, they would get the prize (everyone has bad days). We worked our way to 7 out of 7 days to get the prize. That worked really well for me. Also, I was a broken record stuck on the phrase "hands are for helping, feet are for walking/running/jumping".

The last thing I will say about what worked for me is when my oldest was little, I had to learn how to speak all over again. I had to learn to speak positively, such as - instead of "don't do ____ (insert unwanted behavior)", I changed it to "do _____ (wanted behavior)". I read somewhere and believe it to be true that when you reprimand children with a "don't" all they register is the unwanted behavior and will do just that. If you insert some positive words, they will hear exactly what you want them to. Positive reinforcement is a key. Always look for the good things, no matter how little and let your child know you noticed. It's also not a bad thing to acknowledge what your child is feeling, such as "I understand that you want ______, are feeling _______, but it's not ok to ______. It is ok to _____ or ____ instead." Giving them choices (just a few, too much can overload them) helps them feel like they are allowed to be their own person.

As my father told me once I became a parent, "They way to get your children to listen isn't to be stronger than them, but to be smarter than them."