Determined Toddler

DEar K.,
Catherine C hit the nail on the head. Be consistent and immediate. The only thing I would add is the time. I don't get my kids until they have stopped screaming or calling for me. They have to sit for their time quietyly. They can cry about it, hopefully tears of repentance, they just can't be throwing a fit.
Right now they can't make right decisions, so you do it for them. When they are well trained, then they get to exert their will.
Stac

Hi K.!

When my son was 2 he had only 2 tantrum the whole year! I thought, "boy am I a lucky mom".....then he turned 3!!!!

I think it's just normal for some kids to have their Terrible Two's at age 3 instead.

Stick to your guns with BOTH kids. Your 18mo is also old enough to understand right from wrong now (most of the time). I would just use a softer tone in firmness.

Maybe buy a roll of tickets from a party store...that's what i did a long time ago. I used the tickets for everything bribingly possible! They could earn a ticket or lose a ticket depending on their good/bad behavior. When they had earned 10, then they could get a prize (usually something i had already bought and wrapped, to control the amount I spent)). Now they are 5 and 11, so they need to earn 30 before getting something :o) Anyway, my boys LOVED their ticket jars! If they helped eachother out for something, they got a ticket. If they handled themselves "like a big boy" they got a ticket. If they HIT, they lost a ticket after the third chance. You get the idea. Anyway, I bought the tickets for $5 over 8 years ago, and still have some! It's been the best investment I ever made!

Good Luck, K.!

:o) N.

This sounds SOOOOO familiar! I have 2 very willful little girls. As you say, these are usually the smarties! It's not entirely bad, because already they've learned to negotiate from a position of strength... but still, you can't have people under 4' tall running your house.

The only thing that I have found to work is to intervene IMMEDIATELY. (We've been doing this since my oldest was 18 months; she's now 5.5.) Do not give warnings, chances, etc. The moment you see the behavior that needs to stop, tell the child no. (I don't have a ton of rules, but the ones I have are inviolable and the kids know it.) If she does not stop immediately after I've said no, I calmly march her off to her room (we don't keep toys in their rooms, so it's not a lot of fun or anything). Then I tell her, "Since you can't listen, you will need to sit in your room alone. When you're ready to behave like a big girl, you can come out." For my daughters, simply being sent to their room usually sends them into tears. I leave my older daughter there for 5 minutes, my younger one 3 minutes (because she's 3) and then go in and say "We don't say mean things. If you can't say something nice, just be quiet." (or repeat whatever other rule she just broke). I have her repeat it back to me to be sure she understands.

Then the next time I ask her to do something and she does it right away, or when I catch her doing something really helpful or kind, I mention how proud I am of her. Her face lights up, and over the past couple of years her offenses have grown much fewer and farther between.

Now, my youngest (almost 3) is still very much a work in progress. But we're working on it! With younger ones, babyproofing the heck out of your whole house does help. We were having a big problem with our youngest getting into things (lotion, conditioner, vaseline, anything gooey), so we babyproofed all over again and that solved the issue. The fewer rules you have, the more successful your kids can be.

I think the trick is consistency, and intervening right away (rather than giving warnings again and again, which teach them that they can always push you).

This is not abnormal. They will exhibit their independence anyway they can. Just try to tell him that he will get hurt real bad if he falls and let him help you make breakfast. Let him do toast or something. As for your ptience it is gone for the next 18 years.

Hi,
My son went through a similar phase, and it is a phase.
A couple of suggestions that helped us.
1. Make sure he makes eye contact when you tell him what to do or not do. Take his arm and say 'Look at me!" until he focuses on your eyes, and then tell him what you want him to do. It is suprising how effective this can be.
2. I don't really believe in spanking, but there are times when a physical response is necessary with some children, so I developed what I called the "two finger" rule. To let him know that I wanted him to stop immediately and listen to me I would slap his wrist or arm with two fingers only. It got his attention with no possibility of harm. I never had to do this with my daughter, only my son, and only for about a year.
3. Sending him to his room, - until we both calm down.

It's really critical that you make him know that he may not go outside without you. When outdoors, I used to tell my kids (they are now teens) "Stay where you can see me!" This is different than "Stay where I can see you!". Kids always assume that you can still see them until they turn around and you are not there! If you can get him to keep you in sight you will feel much safer. You can make it into a game - "Can you see me now?".

Good luck,
B.

Wow I just read through the advice and it was a little overwhelming. I have a very independent 3 1/2 year old girl and a 22 month old girl, both polar opposites. My older daughter is very smart, independent, spirited and quite often mistaken as being spoiled or misbehaved. Truth be told, she just wants to help and do it herself, very great qualities in adults, but challenging to say the least as a toddler. She also started with more attention seeking behavior as her sister got older. I am currenting reading "Raising your spirited child" and working with her preschool teacher on how to get past my impatience, one minute so in love with her the next I want to throttle her, because she is "more" than most kids. I really try to let her do it herself when it is safe. I totally relate with the getting something to eat by their self. I have lots of tactile play available, ie sand in back, playdoh, water in sink and backyard, watercolors, etc. The key I have found is prevention whenever possible. Try to keep him busy with soothing activities. I also use the 1,2,3 method, which has been very successful and I will try the ticket method. Sounds very positive!
Good luck.

Hi K.,
It is my experience that "phases" creep up on you with children. It starts out small, as you are saying here and there, then all of the sudden you have this child acting out in a serious way and it seems soo huge. My advice to you is to set specific boundries with specific consequences and for about a week you will have to be very on top of your son with this. The more he tests, the more you stick with the boundries. Your husband has to be consistent with you and before you know it, this will not be a problem anymore. You will face many "phases", just hang on and be consistent!

By the way, we all feel like we "used to be patient" it's totally normal. I think that it is healthy to feel that way, it makes us enforce healthy boundries.

N.

K., thanks so much for posing your question. I am going through the exact same situation with two boys, ages 5 and 2.5, who have been testing us a lot lately. I guess they are also exerting their independence, especially my younger one. I am finding myself losing my temper and patience at them, and I don't like when I do that. A time out for the older one in his room is usually what we give, and it works well for him. The younger one is especially willful and will often throw fits when he can't have his way. The latest thing is climbing up on furniture and counters -- ugh. We will put him in time outs, but our problem is that he will sometimes try to squirm out of his spot or laugh as though it's a game. I usually need to sit next to him so he doesn't leave his time out spot. Recently, I have spanked him on his bottom (with his diaper on), but I really don't want to do this. That's when I feel I need a time out!

I really appreciated Catherine's advice about not giving them chances and saying "no" right away to the inappropriate behavior. Time outs are necessary and the bedroom is a good idea; we have toys in their room, but even with that they don't like to be segregated from the rest of the family. We also sometimes try taking away a privilege (i.e. no t.v. or treat today), which also works. The thing I've learned most from my husband is to discipline them in a CALM manner and talk to them firmly(which Catherine reinforced) but not yell or lose your temper. Something that I'm working on! We also try to explain to them why the behavior was wrong and why they needed a time out. Like Catherine, we also give them lots of praise when they behave well.

I'm finding that the toddler age is quite challenging as they are in the "testing" phase, but it's also a great opportunity to teach them. I find praying a lot for them and me also helps! Know that you are not alone with your challenges and feelings; please feel free to touch base with me anytime. And please let us know how things are going. Look forward to hearing about your successes.

Sounds like your 3-1/2 year old is pushing the envelope to find out where his limits are. You need to set limits and enforce them. Be strict and consistent. He is looking for boundaries - you need to give him some. When he is told not to do something, he need to understand that the ONLY acceptable response is "okay mommy" Period. Anything else, and there is a consequence. And remember, your 18 month old is watching and learning EVERYTHING!

Parenting with love and logic is a great book. They also have books on tape so you can listen in the car. I have 2 1/2 year old twin girls. Hang in there. They keys are consistency, positive attitude (for you), and quick responses. Kids like to see what buttons they can push. Don't let 'em see that you have lost your patience, gotten angry, etc., about their behavior or they might misbehave to see what reactions they can cause. I do not believe in giving warnings for hurting another, destroying property, inappropriate language. I say "we do not ........Timeout" I then swiftly move them to timeout for the minutes of their age. Oh, and I never ask a child why they misbehaved. They usually can't answer why anyway and all it does is give them the impression that misbehaving is OK if there is a good enough excuse. I know that it is hard with two and somedays you'll feel that all you do is stick them in timeout but after a few days of being consistent it will keep getting better.

Go out right now and buy the book "Dare to Discipline" by James Dobson. It's the best book on discipline out there, IMO. You need to get him to listen to you while he's still trainable so that you can have orer in your home and a child that feels secure, and this book will help you do that. Good luck!

K. ~ it sounds like you need to nip this in the bud. You need to give him clear directions, and tell him the consequences if he disobeys, and then.....FOLLOW THROUGH!!!! If you tell him that you are going to do something do it. If you tell him not to do something, and he does it anyways, there needs to be a consequence for his actions. He is willfully being defiant! If you want it to stop, you must be persistant, and do what you say you are going to do. Do not tell him that if he does XXXX - then he will get a spanking, and then he does XXXX - you just re-direct him. You will have to be on top of it if you want to have an obedient child. And it will not take too long for him to figure out that you mean business, and then it will get easier - but until he realizes that you mean what you say, he is going to continue to control your home!

Hey I am 54 yrs old and I have raised 2 children on my own..I now have a 20 yr old son and 22 yr old daughter who is preganant with her first child . Yhe advice i can give you is NIP IT IN THE BUD......WAYYYYYY EARLY..!!!! Your son needs to learn no is no and no qustions asked.... same with your daughter....if you approach this right you will have great kids that listen and respect not only you but other authority as well which is important in todays world.Yours is the first and final word....You have to still be patient because if they see they can break you....it will continue....commitment and perserverence is the key!!! good luck....GG