Almost 4 Year Old with Out of Control Emotions

It sounds like you've got things under control and this is a normal boundry testing stage. It's frustration so just rememember to be patient and consistent. You must be using good words with him if he can express himself by saying disappointed.... You are right, he can be angry, you need to give him a safe place to vent - like his room and as long as he is respectful - don't kick the door - he can be mad in there until he's ready to come out and be sweet with the family.

I have some similar issues with my little boy, who turns 4 in February. Must be the age! He gets angry, starts to hit, tells me I'm bad, etc. I just tell him I won't be around him if he acts that way (or that he has to go to his room if he's acting that way) and usually it stops or at least slows down. I think they get this way more when they are tired/hungry/frustrated, which will get better as they mature. Also, they are definitely testing boundaries, so if you tighten up the boundaries they will actually feel more loved. Sounds counterintuitive but it is true. Now if I only practiced it as much as I say it!! It's hard, but hang in there and remain consistent, it will get better.

Have you tried giving him something he can hit? When my son was little I got him one of those inflatable punching clowns. He was free to hit it when angry. It is wonderful that your husband is telling him that strong men don't hit! Maybe you can encourage to draw about what is bothering him as well. You are doing what you can to help your child learn to deal with these strong emotions. keep up the good work. Liz

Hi H.,
My middle son just turned 5 and he also can get really angry.
I think you can sit down and discuss what triggers the anger
(e.i not getting what he wants, can't find his favorite toy, or stubbing his toe, etc).
You can also try to have him count to ten really loud and by the time he gets to ten, he should be a little less angry.
When my son gets to the point where he can't be talked out of his anger tantrum, we just put him in his room to vent. We learned to take all of the pictures and posters off of the walls. Help him talk about his anger. Teach him to say I'm
angry because (fill in the blank).
I hope some of this helps.

I have a 4 year old who still does this. We use time out alot and we also have blow up punching bag for him to hit. He still doesnt understand not to hit his sister! But eventually they will get it. You just have to stay consistant in what you are doing. It's great that your husband is using such a good approach!
I think these sweet natured boys just don't know what to do when they are upset because normally they are so careing. We knew when Mason was very little that he just has a tender heart. So we just need to teach them how to control and vent. If you want to talk anytime about it let me know! It's a daily event at our house!!

It sounds to me like you are doing exactly the right thing. How neat that your son apologizes on his own! Good luck getting through this.

I think this is also something we all go through. I am divorced and I hear the " I want to go live in TX with Dad" all the time- my son is now 7. Last time I told him fine, pack your bag and start walkin'! lol. Just know that you are doing the best you can- and you love your child, and all children seem to go through this. think back to when you were a kid- I remember telling my mom something similar-of course I waited until I was 16 so she couldnt' hit me as easily ;) When your son tells you he hates you, tell him you are sorry to hear that, because you love him very much and nothing he can say or do will ever change that. When my son has hit- I wrap my arms around him from behind and just hold him- and remind him that hitting is unacceptable. Be glad your husband is behind you in this- it has to help make it easier.

I think one thing you can do is help him express his emotions. Give them names - I know you're MAD/ANGRY/SAD/DISCOURAGED because (insert reason). Then explain that you sometimes feel that way, too and let him know how you handle it. "When I start to feel that way, I stop whatever I'm doing and slowly count to 10." or "I take a really deep breath and blow it out slowly." And then tell him it's OKAY to feel that way, but that it's not okay to take it out on someone else by yelling at them or hitting them. When he does do something inappropriate, make sure you address it immediately and follow through on whatever you feel is appropriate disipline (like time-out) and you must do it consistently.

As for telling you he wants a new mommy or lying, explain how it makes YOU feel when he says that. And that even though it makes you sad, that you will always love him and always want to be his mommy because you know he really doesn't mean it. And I think lying is a harder concept for kids to grasp at this age, but it's best to try to stop it before it becomes a habit. I just explained the difference between a lie and the truth and that no matter what, I always expect my kids to tell the truth, even if they think they'll get in trouble or I'll be mad - I'd be more angry if they lie about it first.

Good luck, I know this sort of thing can be difficult.

You didn't mention what form of discipline you use? Time Outs work really well with children his age. You put him in one spot (on a step, stool, chair etc.) and he is to sit there 1 minute for every year of age. If he's 3 1/2, then 3:30 sec, when he turns 4, he is there 4 min. Prior to time-out, I use counting to 3. I will say "one" and that is a warning for the behavior to stop, if he continues say "two", then I usually remind my daughter that if I get to "3" she will go into time-out. Then, put him in time-out, tell him (at his level) "because you ....., you need to sit here for _____ minutes, I will come back and get you when your time is up." Do not lecture or yell (yelling shows that you are out of control and he will know it! We all do it, but it's really not effective!) Then when the time is up, get down at his level, and ask him to tell you why he was put in time-out. Then tell him he needs to apologize to you (or sister or dad etc.)... After he does that, pretend everything is fine again!

Good luck! Blessings, N.

I would read Dr. Karp "Happiest Toddler on the Block" I also agree with the other moms who say that you should just help him understand what he's feeling. Imagine having such strong emotions and not knowing what they are and how to express them! When he's acting upset, say "I know! You are so mad/sad/upset because of ______" if you help him to understand what he's feeling and if he knows that you "get" how he's feeling he'll probably calm down. Check out that book. Its awesome.

I have a 4 y/o son who recently went through something similar so I can definitely relate! I really recommend the book _Your Four Year Old_ by Ames and Ing (I believe) and the rest of the series for all ages. It tells you what's normal for the age and what works best to deal with it. I don't agree with 100% of it but it's invaluable to read what's typical (and all the typical rotten stuff that you've been spared! LOL), plus lots of creative strategies to make life easier.

Be sure to model how to handle your own stress and anger in a healthy way too. Often the only things we teach by example for stress is that we hit or yell (or push our stress down inside), and so the kids don't know what to do with their own extreme feelings. I know you said you don't hit him but what do you do when you're angry? He needs to see how to let go of his emotions in a healthy way so you might think through what you'd like to do about your own stress. Some stuff that I do is exercise, go on "angry walks" (I put little ones in the stroller and just walk and walk until I feel better), write, vent to friends, clean like mad and do art.

It sounds like you and your husband are doing a wonderful job with him, and your patience will pay off with a sensitive, sweet kid. All four of my kids are very different from each other but all of them act best when they feel best, so I'm guessing that he's feeling scared or threatened or insecure about something. Be firm about what is not allowed but also up the quality time together. Give him lots of hugs and smiles and time with you. The good news is that in my experience, the willful part of this age is short lived! Good luck!

One thing that is helping with our son who will be 4 in Feb. is rewarding him with a ticket for good behavior, which usually means doing something he'd really rather not or when he doesn't do something he'd really rather do. His preschool teacher started this and while I've heard and read about 'catch him being good' stuff before, I realized I'd focused more and more on the negative. For every five tickets he earns, he gets one extra bedtime book. He earns an extra book probably every other day and is always proud and excited to 'cash in' his tickets. It made sense that I like tangible rewards for my efforts, why wouldn't he? The key word is 'effort'- when I see he made a choice to behave well when he'd rather not, I reward him quickly, tell him what behavior I saw earned him the ticket, he picks the ticket and puts it in his collection cup and we move on.

I have to say this has decreased, not eliminated the annoying, grating behavior. And I've enjoyed focusing on the positive more. Hope this helps.

It is so very much his age!!!!! And it is extremely frustrating! The only real thing that will work during this phase is consistancy, and as you put it talk him do death. constant repition of what is ok and isn't ok will in time sink in.

I don't play the whole mean mommy thing or I want a new mommy, after 7 kids it just no longer works, when one of my little ones says that to me I always reply with (i want a new mommy) "sorry to hear that, I love you, but if you really feel that way I'll take you tomorrow to get a new one,,,,,(like I am talking to myself) what a shame I really thought he was a neat kid" and I walk away. Or the I hate you you're mean........" I know and thats ok so long as you grow up to be a good kid" or if they are older I say almost the same except I add "all I have to do is make you respectable citizens not make you like me". I know I wasn't a whole lot of help, but good luck they do outgrow it!