My 10-year--old daughter goes to a very small school (there are only 30 kids in her grade). This past year her "friends" started exluding her. I noticed it at Girl Scout camp when the other 6 or 7 girls would not let my daughter into thier cabin-they would lock the door and cover the windows so she couldn't even see in. Another mom noticed and told them to stop (I was afraid if I said anything it would get even worse for my daughter). I mentioned the behavior to the Leader and she did not say a word to me or the girls. Then when school started they refused to let her sit with them at lunch or play with her at recess. It recently came to my attention that these girls were using code words for sexual things and I finally had enough. I went to the teacher and explained that I don't want my daughter around these horrible girls. I understand she has to be around them at school and she can be polite to them, but she will not have any contact outside of school, including pulling her out of Girl Scouts. The teacher talked with the girls and some of the parents (the main bully's mom was not receptive and tried to blame my daughter). Now the girls are trying to go out of their way to hang out with my daughter, but she wants nothing to do with them. She has been burned one too many times and can't trust them. Now the girls are saying my daughter is the bully for not hanging out with them and that she is a liar. One girl told my daughter she lied to me about what's been going on and has verbally attacked my daughter several times during school. She even grabbed my daughter by the shirt when she tried to leave the situation. I also witnessed this girl get mad at my daughter during archery practice in Girl Scouts. She stomped up to my daughter, held the bow up and swung around to put her bow away, coming within inches of hitting my daughter in the face with the end of the bow. She tried to come off as an accident when I called her out, but I saw how deliberately she walked up to my daughter. My husband and I have had enough and want to pull her out of the school. What makes it worse is the teacher and counselor believe that my daughter is just misunderstanding these girls and believe them when they say they want to be friends with my daughter. Should I give them the benefit of the doubt and encourage her to be friendly with these girls again? I just see the change in my daughter's self esteem and dont want it to get worse. She is a bright child, but has started saying she isnt good enough at school (she gets straight A's and is in the Talented and Gifted program with one of the bullies-who flaunts her grades to everyone) and that nobody likes her. I really feel like she would be better at another school, but I don't want to rush into anything. Also, these girls will be together another 3 years and I don't want my daughter to be phychologically scarred further by these nasty girls. Any advice? Am I wrong in encouraging her to keep her distance from them? Thanks!
Oh the drama of girls. First, I would stay out of it. She will learn how to deal with them. Support her decisions. Let her decide if she wants to hang with them. Two weeks from
Now they could all be buddies. Give it some time.
If my kid's life was a living hell and I had the ability to change the setting, I would consider it.
I have a feeling the fighting you will need to do to protect her will be a huge waste of time. Even if you are 100% right, it will still be a battle. For whatever reason these girls do not like her.
Really set a bad image for girls scouts in my head.
There are "mean girls" in every school, every workplace, every organization. You can't run away every time you encounter them. You need to teach your daughter how to stand up for herself and tell them in no uncertain terms to piss off.
Please check out the book "Queen Bees and Wanna Bes" from the library and read it with your daughter.
This is a very common problem and this book will give her excellent tools to help her deal with them in a healthy way.
You're wrong for having your daughter in this school. For heaven's sake, find another school. This school is TOO SMALL and the girls are acting terribly. The school doesn't do a good job teaching the girls from the get-go how to act. Shame on them.
Find another school now. WHY on earth would you put up with lies and physical altercations for 3 more years? That's the biggest question here.
This is a terrible experience you and your daughter must be going through. But I don't think she should change school. Making her change school is basically saying that is the only way you can deal with your problem is run away from them. No one can ever tell her who she is or isn't. The thing that matters is if you and everyone around her knows who she is inside. Those girls are not worth moving away. It's basically saying they won. You daughter is special and don't let her throw away her pride just because of a bunch of mean girls that probably don't even respect themselves. Let her fight her battles this will only help not hurt her. Just hang in there.
I am with Fuzzy.... Mean girls are everywhere and will be everywhere throughout your daughter's life. She MUST learn to stand up for herself.
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My personal opinion, this is not technically "bullying". The bully term gets tossed around so much that it is now difficult to distinguish real bullying because some kids call out bully just if someone just looks at them the wrong way.
Confronting who you call the bully's mom does nothing. Most parents will deny that their sweet angel is capable of being a mean girl.
If you have proof of anything in texts, FaceBook, etc... print it out and keep it for documentation.
As a mom, it hurts to see this happen. We both know as moms, that there are 2 sides to every story and no one specific girl is always to blame. Most of the time, they all play a part in the drama.
As a mom who has been there with a daughter who survived mean girls... my daughter is not scarred. She is very outspoken and has no issue with standing up for herself. If anything, she got stronger because she felt empowered to stand up for herself and call them out on the spot when the drama was happening.
I also know what you mean when you say that now your daughter wants nothing to do with them. My daughter was that way as well, except she was cheer captain throughout and she had to be the role model expected of her as well as have a higher standard. To this day, if someone does something that betrays her, breaks her trust, etc... they are out of her life and never back in it.
A sad part is that your daughter's school is so small. She does not have the opportunity to be in larger diverse group where she can make lots of friends. I know there are advantages to both large and small schools but this is one of those times, I am glad there were ###-###-#### in my daughter's classes from 9th grade through 12th grade.
Again, this is a part of life that we don't care for but your daughter must learn to negotiate through this herself and stand up for herself because before you know it, she'll be in college and in the workforce with more mean girls. It is better to learn how to deal with them now than later.
Best of luck!
Have you ever seen a flounce here? The, "I have had it with the mean girls here and I am closing my account!!!" No one likes a flouncer, if you don't want to be around someone then stop going around them.
You flounced. Those girls didn't want to be around your daughter, all your daughter had to do is stop following them around. Nope, not good enough for you, you had to flounce.
You aren't wrong to tell her to keep her distance, your timing is just off. You should have just told her to leave them alone before you flounced.
Well, so much for Girl Scouts building girls up, huh? I would have had a talk with the troop leader. This is just the kind of behavior that she should be addressing. She should be stressing tolerance, acceptance, and empathy and she should not be allowing the girls to behave that way. You should have gone to her and she, in turn, should have incorporated a talk during a meeting about excluding, and being mean. I don't think this is bullying - it's just girls being mean. Now, if they were taunting and teasing your daughter, then I would say it's bullying.
I think you should let your daughter decide how to handle this and whether or not she wants to give them another chance. What YOU should be doing is explaining to your daughter that she should not feel bad but she should feel sympathy for these girls. I would be telling my granddaughter that they group up and act like that is because THEY have no self-esteem and are looking to make someone else feel as bad about themselves and they feel about their selves. Tell your daughter next time to say something to them along the lines of "I know why you act this way and I feel sorry for you." It will take them completely off guard and they will not know what to say.
I was bullied daily by mean kids in 6th grade. It made me completely withdraw into myself and hate myself. We moved mid year (not due to me being bullied but for other reasons) and the kids at the next school were so much nicer. My life improved drastically. It helped a lot. Make sure to encourage her in her interests so she has something to be proud of...get her in something cool and fun like martial arts or rock climbing or a leadership class...pay for fancy art lessons if she loves art. I don't know what she loves or has an interest in, but working on my talent and feeling proud of that helped me at that age.
Sounds like the others are VERY jealous... this even happens in the workplace, where at least in some cases there is HR to submit a complaint. In this case, the school is small and to think of spending 3 more years there, UGH! it would be one thing if she only had one more year left, but three.... I believe in giving things a chance, but truly... at ten years of age, kids know the difference between who wants to be their friend and who doesn't... IF you know of a different school and like it enough to send your daughter, I would do it now... forget those little snotty nose girls.... life is short... again, I do believe in giving things time, but this situation doesn't sound like it's getting any better..
If my son was in this situation and the school officials didn't speak with the others girls and the problem didn't improve.. I would leave... I would also keep track of the times you voiced your complaint to school officials and send in a written complaint .... this way it's all on the record...
sorry to be so blunt, but no one should have to be around such a-holes!
I think its a tougher situation with the class size as small as it is. There isnt really anyone else to go hang out with. To me it sounds like you are sticking up for her more than she is herself. Also you are involved and some of the other girls parents got involved then when they tried to hang out again (maybe to make amends due to the talk their parents gave them) your daughter shunned them. Just to have friends doesnt mean she has to put up with the mean girls but she will need to learn how to deal with them instead of you yelling at them for almost hitting her with a bow. She needs to be the one that says enough is enough. Is there anything else she can join in a surrounding area that could put her with a different group of kids? I wouldn't pull her unless she says "mom can I PLEASE go to a different school" but there will always be those girls everywhere like Fuzzy said. We all handle situations differently but don't have her keep her distance. She will spend the rest of her life learning how to avoid people and thats not the best thing to teach your daughter
Totally unacceptable for Girl Scouts!! I am shocked and surprised the Girl Scout Troop leader lets this happen. And I agree, mean girls are everywhere. Your daughter unfortunately has to learn how to stick up for herself. And it does seem like it will be harder for her with only 30 kids in her class :-(
Instead, encourage her to make her own mind up about these girls. Some are trying to play her and mess with her head, but some may just be blindly following along with the others so that they are accepted into the group dynamic.
Honestly, my best advice is to remove her from the situation. I would start fresh at another school. I have nothing against GT programs, but at our school, it is a breeding ground for bullies. The kids in the program make it known that they are "smarter" than others and I personally know three kids who are from that program going to different schools next year because they have been bullied and our principal doesn't follow through with actions.
GT program aside, I would go elsewhere for the remainder of elementary. Middle school will be different because its usually larger and more kids to mingle with.
My daughter is a nice, quiet, smart girl who only sometimes stands up for herself. As such she is an easy target wherever she goes. We did two and a half years of karate, eight weeks of bully free, counseling, and more. I read every book on mean girls.
Keep her distance is the best advice. Is there another GT school? I should have put mine in GT at the other school but my husband wouldn't listen. If I had to do it again, I would put her there anyways.
I feel for you. I have a 10 yr old daughter who is the sweetest little girl ever. She is easily taken advantage of. I had a small incident where a little girl was giving my daughter a hard time. My daughter had become good friends with this girls best friend and she did not like it. My daughter ignored her to her best ability and then told me at recess this girl pinched her. I wish my daughter would have pinched her back. I know that sounds awful but I want her to stick up for herself. Well I called her teacher I draw the line with anyone putting their hands on my daughter. Her teacher took care of it. I agree with the other moms where the school is so small their is no way around these girls. It will be a hard 3 years for your daughter. I know the worry and heartache we as parents go through. I know for me I just want to protect my child from everything. Talk with your daughter about changing schools. See how she feels. Girls are just mean but at least at a bigger school she will have more options to distant herself from the bullies. Good luck.
Bullying is tricky. You're supposed to report them yet when you do, you either get accused of overreacting or get thrown in an uncomfortable situation of having forced to be friends.
Personally, I have encouraged mine to be a like a duck with words said that may not be too nice. Mine has always been comfortable with who she is. The downfall is that although she has tons of friends, she never really has one she can call a bestie. She is ok with that and I am ok with that.
In general, if my child was bullied, I would march her bum to the school councilor and asks for tips on how my child should handle bullying. This is because bullying and the perception of bullying is always in existence. If not this group of girls then another group and the best way to stop them is to not care about what they say or do.
It sounds like you are spending a lot of $$ and time to put your daughter in with these social nightmares. First thing you need to do is take a deep breath and a giant step back. They are 10, and yes, their behavior toward your daughter sounds extreme, and the lack of adult intervention is questionable, you need to let your daughter learn to cope and fight her own battles. Let this school year play itself out. If she is still feeling left out and wants to change schools, then you should look around. Sometimes, being a new fish in a bigger pond can be the boost a kid needs. Most important lesson for your daughter is to continue to be true to herself and not change who she is to fit in with the other girls. This is the perfect age to learn that lesson!
My daughter is 9 and in 3rd grade. The little "clicks" are starting already and there are only 15 kids in her class. I tell her to do her best to get along with everyone but to leave the mean kids alone. And we keep praying for at least 1 true friend for her. She has several friends on the bus but the kids in her class seem to be so fickle. One day they get along and the next day they are pushing someone to the outside as an outcast. My daughter says it's all about if you have things (money) which is sad. That's why we are praying for a TRUE friend. In second grade their teacher had to have several talks with them about what being a friend is and things got better after that. Keep the school informed when it is persisent or if the incidents become major. Does she have other friends she can play with besides these girls? Bullying is a tough one to control. Give your daughter all the support and love at home that you possibly can and build up her self-esteem so that their actions don't affect her as much. Above all, pray.
Bless you,
J. H
