Daughter's Friend Texting and Dropping the F Bomb

I think you are waaaaaay to interested in the fact that this 13yr old girl is swearing.
She could be doing far worse.
Settle down.

If someone told me I needed to get on my 13 year old kid for using a "bad" word, I would laugh. Now, if once asked to stop by the receiver, he still sent them, then I would talk to him about respecting others, but I honestly would not care at all if he was saying a so called "bad" word. Words only have the power we give them, and kids use them because we adults make a big deal about it when they do.

If that's the worst thing she does then she's an admirable kid. I can tell you that even sitting at a basketball game the elementary school kids say that work like it's the word "and" or "Hi".

I'd simply tell her that I was going through kiddo's texts and saw the texts. If she does it again her mom will get those texts forwarded to her. So stop it.

MYOB, Your daughter handled it perfectly, there is nothing else to do. Cursing is normal at this age - not acceptable, but common. Really, you have bigger fish to fry at this age than some curse words. Let it go and keep the lines of communication open with your own child.

My rule? If the behavior of a child's friend isn't dangerous or harmful, it's not really my problem. If this girl was using the F-bomb in a way that was bullying or harassing, that's one thing. But if she just uses it the way most of do, let it go.

Leave it be. It's a word. Nothing more. Don't give power to stupid words.
If it were death threats or contemplating suicide, or bullying of someone than say something. A couple of F-bombs in casual texting is less then nothing.
Your daughter said please don't text me rude words. There. It's been handled.
Sorry, I don't think it's worth telling the mom so she can over react and jump off the deep end.

My opinion is: just take care of your own family. Don't be policing language used by others. It would be different, I think, if this involved breaking the law (discussing stealing something, for example, or cheating on a test), but you guys will drive yourself nuts if you report bad language/profanity/crude words used by everyone your kids come in contact with.

As for your daughter saying not to curse because her parents monitor her phone, I think that is a very wise move on her part. We as parents shouldn't mind being the "bad guys", especially when our children are tweens and very young teens. I often told my son when he was young and just starting to go out in groups to a movie, for example, that if he found himself in an uncomfortable position, he could call me with a code phrase, I would then know he was in a situation like someone was drinking, a fight was brewing, or something similar, and I would then respond to the code and "freak out" and ground him and come and get him. I didn't mind being seen as the one who was making the rules. That way he was off the hook with his friends, he was safe, and that's what mattered.

These young kids are just beginning to navigate the world, and it's scary to come right out and say "don't curse" or "I won't do that", and sometimes it's a little more safe and secure to say "my parents won't let me" or "you won't believe how upset my mom will get and I'll never hear the end of it".

So please let your daughter use you as her safety net right now, at this young age. Eventually, with your guidance, she'll develop her own morals and values and be emotionally able to stand up for what's right, but for now, she needs you to do that with her. Let her say that you guys monitor her phone and she doesn't want to lose her phone privileges, so no cursing please. If they persist, and it gets so it dominates the conversation, just remove that contact or delete the texts together as you discuss the importance of good language and manners.

It's just a word. You're giving it too much power.

I am proud of you for policing her phone. I am proud of your daughter for her response to the girl.No further action is needed on your part except to congratulate your daughter on her reply.

I would be livid at my child if an adult saw it and I would be happy that someone told me.

I think the F Bomb is more than just word. Every thing could be just a word: racial epithets, derogatory terms for females, etc.

No, I would not contact the parents. You are correct that it WILL cause more problems and headaches. Let it go. I'm not a fan of cursing, but that is reality as everyone grows up. It doesn't automatically mean people who curse are rotten people. Let your daughter choose her own friends based on how kind they are as friends. I always told my DD's, there is a difference in saying "F, I forgot my homework" and calling someone a "dumb F" You don't use those words to label someone. General cursing in frustration, while crass, isn't nearly as bad as using it in a name-calling way.

Don't bother to tell the girl's parents. DO give your own kid some real praise out loud for her text that told the other kid to stop. What is this about "complacent acceptance"? That sounds as if you feel your child's response wasn't going far enough for you. But your daughter told her to stop. Please make clear to your teen that she was right to do that and while you hope she did it because she thinks the language is coarse and not solely because you see her texts -- tell her she did well! Then thank her for being an honest kid who does not delete texts.

Yes, limit time with this girl. Start being too busy for your kid to have those sleepovers. Don't announce to your daughter in some big formal way that "You are no longer to hang out with X because she's a bad influence." There is no surer way to make X seem much cooler and more attractive to your kid than to do it that way. Just start having other friends over instead and telling your daughter your family has plans when X asks to do stuff, especially sleepovers. Then DO have plans.

I hate carpool drama and there seems to be a fair amount of it in posts on this board. If you can taper off the carpool at some point in the year, I'd do it.

I am in agreement with the other comments I see here. You are blowing this out of the water. My mother always told us if the worst thing we did was use a curse or two she had raised us right. We allow our daughters (2 and 4) to use what we call 'strong language' in the house but have told them there will be sudden and unpleasant punishment if it is said outside the house. They seem to respect that for now.

It's a word, nothing more.

First, your daughter's response was perfect! Your daughter wasn't complacent. Don't understand where you get that. She told her to not say that to her because her parents monitor her phone. What would you want her to say "you say that again and I'm going to wash your mouth out with soap"?

You are now moving into middle school. Put your seat belt on because it will be a bumpy ride. News flash, this young lady isn't the first one to swear at this age and won't be the last. Personally, you need to breath.

I don't like that type of language, but I remember being that age and it was "cool" to say stupid things like that. These kids are feeling out who they are. Your daughter's reaction was perfect. Let her deal with this friend, which she did in this instance. You should be proud of her!

I wouldn't say anything to the parent or anyone else in your carpool. Your daughter handled the situation brilliantly.

Let it go. Your daughter is dealing with it very maturely. Your daughter has even told the friend that her parents look over texts yet the friend is brazen enough to continue.

This is not bullying, nor is it physically harming your daughter. Kids swear..and swear in texts. Swearing is benign to what alot of other kids are doing. I don't think this warrants letting the child's parents know. Your husband knows it will stir up drama. He is a smart man..listen to him.

Plus, you want your daughter coming to you when things really are at hyper alert status. If you start drama over the f-bomb then she will be reluctant to open up to you about serious teenage issues.

We too go over our son's phone. And his phone and itouch are in our room at 9pm each night. I love when I see him responding to friends about cleaning up their language and warning them that we look at texts. We have had great conversations about sex, bullying, and swearing all surrounding cyber situations.

When you put it out there....it is there to stay. Many people have lost jobs or job opportunities because of language and pics that were shared in cyber land. My husband just recently fired a man because of friendly banter between the employee and a customer that involved inappropriate pics and language via texts. So sad that this grown man did things that compromised his integrity and now it effects the financial security of his own family.

Sooo, use this as an opportunity to teach your own daughter and encourage her to teach her friend. Teach her how to take the conversation a step further than simply, "don't curse around me or on my phone".

Praise your daughter for not swearing and being mature with her tech usage. Praise her for being a good influence in her circle of friends. Be very positive about this situation and about how as a family we can be good friends to others who are testing the boundaries of independence.

I wouldn't bring this up with the friend who has a daughter that is friend's with yours and the potty mouth girl. Save the conversation for when there is real danger.

The F bomb is just a word. Why allow it so much power? There are words which are much worse.

Your daughter knows you check her texts. You saw how she responded to the person with a curse word. I believe she responded quite appropriately for a 13yr old.

I would let my daughter know that I saw the text and I would praise her for how she handled the situation right then. She handled it well. Let her know how proud of her you are for being so responsible. Keep your lines of communication wide open with her so she will continue to come to you.

If you use passage aggressive means to get rid of the friend you no longer like because she used the F-bomb then you may well be on your way to do damage to the relationship you have with your daughter. Your daughter will figure that out... SHE needs to figure out who she wants as friends.. not you. It is not like she is dealing with some drug cult at school.. a girl used the F-bomb. Believe me, there will be bigger things as she goes through school.

You worry about your family and hope that your daughter continues to use good judgment as she did. PRAISE her.

Coming for working in both high schools and middle schools, it is not uncommon for kids to start swearing around age 10 when they are with their friends. They think it is "cool" and their friends do it, so they start to do it as well. Parents telling them not to will only make the allure of the "forbidden words" more appealing. Your daughters reply was spot on. Beyond that, let it go. Hopefully, if they are being the parents they should be, they are checking their own daughters phone and will see it as well.

Many 13 year olds use the F bomb.

If it were me, since I believe in "the village," I would personally say something to the girl about swearing being tacky, especially on social media, vs. telling the parents. Swearing isn't the worst thing in the world, and if telling the mother is going to cause your daughter to be less candid with you, it's certainly not worth it.

It's always good to keep the lines of communication as open as possible with your own kid, especially as that way you can learn things about other kids, and possibly help them as well.

Leave it be. Your daughter handled it appropriately.

In the whole scheme of things, IMHO, this is a non-issue. I would let it go and focus on things that are important like health, job issues, grades, sex, etc. MOST 12 and 13 year olds curse. IMHO, as long as they are able to keep it in check when speaking with an adult and/or authority figure, then it's not that big of a deal. I do, however, when I catch mine slipping, tell them that until that moment, I was seeing them as a beautiful person, inside and out. But after hearing that language, they are no longer as beautiful. Beauty comes from the inside out so you have to be mindful of what comes out.

I would be glad that my child handled it well by telling her friend to stop, and let it go.

I wouldn't worry about it. I also wouldn't limit her time with this friend. Like others have said, cussing is actually pretty common around this age. I will say that I was always the "good kid". I followed rules, and never got into trouble. My reputation was that I was the good kid, and I hated it. (It is NOT 'cool' to be the good kid...) I fully admit that I started cussing fairly young in an effort to change my image a bit. The funny thing is that even if my language was a bit crass, I was still MUCH better behaved than many of my friends who didn't cuss... I was the only one out of my group of friends who never smoked, did drugs, or skipped class. I was also the only one who made it out of high school with my virginity. I still followed the rules, with my language being the exception. I was baby-sitting (and well loved by my clients, as I only cussed around my friends...) and a very mature and responsible kid for my age. Believe me, I was the GOOD influence! Lol. So please don't judge his girl just because she cusses... You need to go by her behavior, and the effect she has on your daughter. Cuss words are only words- don't give them too much power.

I don't see why a kid using profanity in a conversation with another kid is a big deal. My kid learned all the choice words from hearing me use them. My only rule for her when it came to swearing was that she had to know what the words actually meant and use them with correct grammar. I also taught her about choosing her audience so that she wouldn't get into trouble by using profanity at school, at church, etc.

Here's what I would say to my daughter, "Thank you for respecting our rules, and I'm proud of you for keeping respectable behavior on the phone. Those records last forever, and there is no need for the potty mouth. I'm proud of you."

Secretly I would know my daughter probably swears too though. C'mon. I was a GREAT kid, raised in an extremely proper, religious home where neither of my parents EVER swore-I think my dad said "dammit" once when he took off his fingertip with an electric saw while I was in his workshop- and I always strove to please them: And even I swore alone with my friends where no adults could hear us. But if you insist she never swears even though her little friends do, then OK.

As for the friend with a little too much freedom on her phone....Nothing you can really do about her. If I said ANYTHING to the mom, I might say I found the texts and that our DAUGHTERS (implying hers AND mine) were using the f bomb. That way you don't stand to "offend her" by finger pointing at her princess, but you can still let her know her daughter was doing it. If she ever finds out it was actually just her own daughter, she still won't have a reason to be mad at you. And I wouldn't say anything to that other mom other than "Some inappropriate texting is going on, we discovered so "we" had to re-iterate the rules…." Without finger pointing.

Kids use profanity, but you CAN enforce phone etiquette (like you're doing) just like all other places where it is NOT ok. If you think it's important to this girl's mom, and you think her mom doesn't' know. Tell her. But not in a superior way. Which I'm sure you wouldn't. She does have the right to know. She's paying for that phone I'm guessing…and yeah, taper off the time spent if the girl really is bad news. But the swearing alone wouldn't make me alienate the friend. You could even tell the friend directly, "Hey, Sally, saw your f-bombs on the phone. Is your mom OK with that?" That would probably stop her right there.

You should tell your daughter that you saw the texts (she knows you check), tell her that her friend is being inappropriate and that if it happens again, you will block her number from your daughter's phone. Your daughter will then go to the friend and tell her she better not do it again. Problem solved. No need to go to the other mother. If it comes to having to block her number, the other mom might just find out on her own when she realizes her daughter can no longer text yours.

Let it go. You trust your daughter. I agree not to limit time with this friend. If she is not a good influence, your daughter will pick up on it and self limit. St this age, kids are feeling their oats. They curse and try to act older. Part of growing up.

They are just words. And look at your daughter!! She did the right thing by asking her not to curse. Good for her.

Now stay out of that mom's/kid's business. Guess what, the mom not only knows her daughter uses some bad language but probably uses it herself.

There are so many other things to worry about that someone else's kid cursing.

Since your daughter knows you check her texts, the next time she says something about going somewhere with this girl, tell her no. When she asks why, tell her that the language she is using in texts tells you that she is not mature enough yet. This way, you aren't ratting out the girl to her parents, your daughter will have to tell her no to whatever the outing was, and when the girl asks why, your daughter will tell her. That may actually help the girl clean up her act.

And it's good becauseyour daughter knows you mean business about the phone rules...

The next time your daughter's friend is over your house I would tell her myself- have a conversation about how it just isn't "appropriate" and if she wants to continue texting your daughter fine...but leave out the F-bombs. Then change the subject. And letting your daughter's friend know that you KNOW what she says and does by reading those texts...even better in my opinion. Your daughter already handled it the right way, she chose not to accept her friend using that language in texts. If the girl gets upset and tells her mom, fine...just explain it to the mom. You're not out of line. If your daughter gets upset, too bad! You're the parent and it's your job.

I have heard kids half that age cursing in the school hallways. Your daughter did the right thing. At the same time, with all the sexting going on, I'd think an f-bomb would be the least of my problems in raising a teen and can only hope that's as much as I will have to deal with when the time comes!

By the way, I bet all the kids involved in this have no idea what the word truly means. My daughter, who is 8, came home and said "this kid taught me the f word is not "fun" like you said it was, the real word is f**k." And she asked me what it meant. I asked her what she thought it meant, she said she did not know, it was just a "forbidden" word. So, I would not be surprised if these kids just thought it means the same as "buzz off", not a vulgar way of referring to a sexual act.