Am I Wrong for Listening to Explicit Music Around My Daughter?

Garbage in. Garbage out. It doesn't matter if she is a "good kid". If she HEARS that sort of language all the time, she will internalize that it is 'normal' and she will use it.

If you don't want her using it, you need to stop exposing her to it.

Lead by example. Talk to her about what you feel is appropriate. Don't be shocked when she tests out explicit adult language with friends.

Yes you are. Unless you don't mind that she uses that language, and sets that precedent for her friends, than you have other issues to worry about.

Well, I wouldn't say "wrong", BUT in order for her to behave the way you want her to behave (not cursing), YOU have to behave the way you want her to behave. Saying "don't swear" and then swearing and listening to music that has a lot of swearing in it sends a REALLY bad message - "do as I say, not as I do", and kids learn by example, not by words.

So listen to the non-swearing music when she's around, pay attention to your language, tell her not to swear and why, try not to swear yourself - and give HER permission to correct YOU when you swear. Kids love that, and really, it's only fair :)

I don't get it, to be honest. She's a teenager, she listens to your language, she listens to your songs, and you are shocked that she talks like you. What? Why are you shocked?

What does being a good kid with good grades and not getting into trouble have to do with it? You're a good person and don't get into trouble, right? So what's the difference between you and her? If she has grown up hearing you use these words and listen to this music, there is no reason for her to be held to a different standard.

Again, I just don't get it.
Dawn

By that age, she's going to know those words whether they are used in your home or not.

As for the music, many songs with bad language also have bad themes or content. I would be more worried about the content of the song than the language itself. Some songs can be derogatory towards women, police, etc. Take that into consideration more than swear words, in my opinion.

I agree with garbage in garbage out.

If we expose our kids to ballet, we get ballerinas.... etc.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I can't believe that the overwhelming thought to this thread is that if you expose your kid to something you can expect them to emulate it. In that case.... absolutely take sex ed out of everywhere. Just preach abstinence and for sure our kids won't have sex.... right Bristol?

Give me a break. Kids are way smarter than that.

My daughter (who is 12) has explicit songs on her iPhone. I have used a decent amount of the media to talk to her about *context*. About what makes her different than, say Eminem or Rhianna. And what makes her the same. I use those lyrics and those songs to talk about choices people can make and how they can get themselves in trouble if they aren't careful.

I tell her if she's in her room, alone, she can talk however she wants... use whatever words she wants... write whatever she wants in her journal. HOWEVER she wants. If she's in the living room or we are having a conversation with people..... that's a different set of rules about how we talk and interact at home or with our friends. At a restaurant she uses manners similar to the other patrons. If she's at Tavern on the Green - new set of rules... very high end... use the right fork and all that. That's called context. And it's something that is IMPERATIVE for our kids to learn.

If you hide it from them and never expose them to it.... then it's something they want to get. They will get, but on the sly. And they'll never learn to really listen to what is being said or why you shouldn't say it.

I use swear words at my house sometimes. My daughter knows the ways she is and is not allowed to talk in certain circumstances.

When my daughter wants to purchase a song, I listen to it with her. There was a song she wanted the other day - I can't even remember who it was by.... and the lyrics in the song were kind of hard to hear.... so I googled them. and one of the lyrics said some derogatory things about Jada Pinkett. And I asked her why she liked the song. And she said it has a good beat and she liked to tap along (this is true - it did have a good beat). and I said - but do you know this song called Jada Pinkett a bad word? And we talked about why someone would call a woman that. And in the end she decided on a different song. But we had a great talk about real world stuff that is going on. And she learned to make her own decisions and to think through why she was buying that song or making the choices she was making.

She liked Chris Brown. Some of his songs are really catchy and cute. And she wanted to buy "international love". And we had a conversation about does she want to use HER MONEY to support someone who beats his girlfriend. Who has anger management issues. Is that the kind of artist she wants to support.

So I guess I'm in the minority. I think it's ok to listen to explicit lyrics with your daughter. As long as you are educating her on what that means and helping her to process how it affects her. Especially at 14. She may leave home in 3 years to go to college - she needs to have an idea of what is out there in the real world. Bad language is the LEAST of your worries.

Umm....why are you shocked? You speak this way and listen to stuff that uses the language. What did you think would happen...??

If you don't want her to use that language, why hasn't there been a discussion about it? Do you just assume she knows your expectations. YOU are modeling this behavior. She now has a trashy mouth. I guarantee you it's way worse, outside of your presence. SPEAK with her about expectations, but don't expect much to change. You've already given permission, by example and inaction.

Why would you be surprised at what you heard? You're reaping what you've sown into her. It's been totally normalized in your home.

Our rule of thumb is: if we don't want to hear certain things back to us from our son, we will not allow it, either from us or from media. A child who speaks like that be perceived as hardened, ill-mannered and ignorant as it's not an acceptable way to talk to others, especially those in positions of authority over you. Please consider how this will play out in school situations and when she gets a job. I wouldn't want anyone thinking that about my child - it could possibly rob him of valuable opportunities. It's my job as a parent to teach him to be someone who contributes to jobs, relationships and society overall in a POSITIVE way. I'm cheating him if I don't.

I don't know how old she is, but I shudder to think of what you may hear from her as a teenager ... nip it in the bud if you don't want to pay for it later!

Why wouldn't you expect it from her when you've taught her to do it, both by your own words and the words that the songs you're listening to are filling her ears with?

Yes, I think you are wrong for exposing her to it. When I was her age my mom was actively KEEPING me from listening to that kind of music.

You are leading by example. If you don't want her to cuss, tell her and then stop cursing and stop listening to that stuff when she is around.

Ditto every single thing Patricia said -- she rocks.

I just want to add that my own opinion is, in the grand scheme of things, cursing is not a tragedy or a disaster. It can be extremely rude in some contexts, and perfectly okay in others. BUT, rightly or wrongly, if other parents figure out that their kids are picking up swear words from your daughter, things will get pretty judgy for you. And, if you don't want her swearing, you can't swear, and you can't listen to sweary music in her presence, ever.

I really think the "do as I say, not as I do" message is a bigger problem than the swear words in the end.

Are you wrong...by who's standards?

Do I think it's a bad idea to listen to "explicit" music around your children...YES! Is it against the law...NO!

It depends on your standards. If you only expect her to be a "good kid" who gets good grades, then you're doing just fine. If you expect her to have respectable language, then you've failed her. You've set a poor example and now you're seeing the fruits of your labor, or lack thereof.

I think we have to be careful-- especially when it comes to styles of music which sometimes exploits women, brags about conquests and suggests that violence can solve problems/values dominance in relationships, be they social or emotional. I'd find some other music you enjoy to listen to when your daughter is around.

As parents, we have to be mindful that our values aren't reflected in just what we say, but also what *we* pay attention to. It's a signal to our children-- what we pay attention to is also what we value. Frankly, I don't think mild swearing is going to scar your daughter for life, nor do I think the mild posturing your daughter is exploring will hurt her, so long as she's savvy about it and doesn't drop an F-bomb in class or amongst other adults/parents of her friends. That said, it might be a good to have a talk with your daughter: does she want to become known for being crass, or is there something else about herself that is more flattering which she'd like to shine through? What would she think of another kid using the same language? What would be her instant assumption? (I know what my assumptions were at her age)

Like I said, this sort of 'using bad words to seem more mature' is pretty common, however, a lot of the messages in music these days focus on some of the worst/most petty parts of relationships and life. A lot of it makes me cringe, frankly--- I grew up on pop and rap, and have found that there are plenty of more sophisticated artists in every genre of music who sing a little more deeply about life and love. (And there's a slew of stuff I really do love which I just don't play around Kiddo now that he's older, because he's a little parrot. )

Im not sure most of these people know exactly what "Explicit" music entails. Yeah K., I have said a swear word or two around my kids, but that is wrong even when shes 14..
And it wouldnt be just the "bad words" so much as the actions they speak of ESPECIALLY for 14 year old impressionable ears.
And trust me, Im far from an angel and actually a very inappropriate person, but not around my kids.

I've never censored the music my kids listen to, actually. Everything that's on my iPod is on theirs, too. Likewise, when we go to SFMOMA, I don't make them close their eyes if somebody is naked in one of the art pieces. Music is an art form like anything else. Artists make objectionable choices sometimes, but that doesn't mean we don't listen/watch, necessarily.

And then, DH plays rugby and we both work in the construction industry, so my kids have never been shielded from the more colorful uses of the English language.

Just because someone says a curse word in a song, or a grown-up uses it, doesn't mean that kids are allowed to use that word themselves, though. Kids DO know the difference. Speak with your daughter about her language and tell her that just because you occasionally slip up, or because it is used in popular music, doesn't mean she can walk around talking like that at her age. (To me, it's no different than saying that she can't drive, or drink alcohol, or vote... lots of things adults are allowed to do that kids aren't!)

ReverendRuby..."if her daughter is raped..." Have you lost your mind?

K., regardless of what kind of music you listen to it is our job to raise our children with morals, right from wrong and all that good parenting stuff...
That being said, like other have also said she needs to have your expectations explained clearly. Cussing isn't acceptable nor are rude and derogatory comments (those heard in the music you listen to).
I listen to the same type of music from time to time, and sometimes around my 12 yr old. He knows what is allowed language wise. Good luck.

Edit:

To moms who think many of us are "prudes" to keep our children from listening to explicit lyrics we are not. There is a time and place for everything. Sex ed needs to be taught at home but many moms/dads are not doing the proper care or feeding of their children in this arena so the schools try to give basics.

Many children listen to the beat of songs but subconscientiously are hearing the lyrics to the songs. I have done this myself. Some of the lyrics are not heard or understood until later in life as an adult. So why on earth would you want your 9 to 15 year old to hear such?

Just because our kids are smarter than we think does not not mean they need to do many of the things they do and then they reap the consequences. Off soapbox.

Original response: Your children reflect what you listen to. It may come out in cuss words or it may come out in actions.

So listen to your music when she is not around. I say this because I experienced this when our son was 3 and dad had listenend to a record and words started comingout of son's mouth. We changed listening times and the words went away.

Some of the hip-hop and rap lyrics are things I can't understand and they are derogatory to women. R&B and Pop are mainstream.

The other S.

You wouldn't be asking if you didn't somewhat feel guilty about it. I would say yes you shouldn't expose your child to it BUT that doesn't mean she wouldn't cuss. Even kids in the most clean cut childhoods will cuss especially around their peers. Especially if her friends think its cool. If you are concerned about how it effects your daughter then some examples could be buy music with the sensors or make a life change. Avoid such music and try to watch your language. But please DON'T be a HYPOCRITE!

You exposed her to it, told her that it is common place then are shocked when she uses it. Ummm, yeah I think you are "wrong" in this situation.

At 14 she has probably heard all the cuss words already. It is more about what kind of example you want to set or allow in your household. My mom never forbid us to use specific words. She just said if you use bad language you only make yourself look bad (and get in trouble in some situations like school).

It is a judgement call. I don't listen to exactly the same types of music but I do allow my kids to hear some pop/rock music. However, my kids are much younger and some songs with explicit drug/alcohol/sex references I do turn off. Also some songs just set a bad example and it is not just about the bad words. For me songs that glorify violence, drug and alcohol use or otherwise set a bad example don't need to be in our house.

depends on how old she is, but I would NEVER listen to that kind of music around my 7 year old. My daughter does hear music at school, and she is totally in love with Justin Beiber, lol! But it's mostly clean. She also likes Taylor Swift (who I love) and is also mostly appropriate. If you don't want your daughter to be saying bad words and stuff, then you need to be the example and not do it yourself. You shouldn't be so suprised

With my son (I was 19 when I had him), I listened to whatever. Since I listened to rock and metal, it had some explicit lyrics (but not like they do now). I never had a problem with him but looking back it wasn't the best idea. With my daughter (I was 34 when I had her), I am older and make better decisions. I stopped listening to the explicit lyrics when she's around (and limit it anyway since it has gotten worse). I found some that is instrumental only (but same style music) and also started listening to the local christian station (I know the lyrics are clean and there is a variety to the styles of music). I am also discovering more rock-style christian music so I can still listen to the "harder" sound. This is because my daughter copies and remembers EVERYTHING!

I don't think your are wrong for listening to it but it probably wasn't/isn't the wisest move. Not just because what it exposed her to but also because as parents we lead by example...they learn more from what we do than what we say.

As a teenager, it is common for them to have a bit of a foul mouth w/ their friends.

It's not good or bad. It just is. Kids are monkeys. They absorb and mimic. If you like it then keep on keepin' on. If you don't like it, change. Harder than it sounds, I know. My father cursed, I curse and I'm having a heck of a time editing myself because I really didn't like hearing my five year old curse.

Yeah, kids will model what they hear. Even if you do not speak like a hip hop mogul, listening to explicit music, and allowing her to listen to it, sends the message that those words are acceptable. If acceptable to listen to, why not acceptable to say?

My son is 16, I have always tried to limit my cursing, in fact didn't curse in front of him. Music was censored up until he was about 14 and then we listened together to the popular stations - yup, that all the kids listened to - BUT I discussed the lyrics with him - what they meant, why they were inappropriate, etc. Then we did the "oldies" - um, "afternoon delight", anyone remember that one? LOL and he told me why those lyrics were racy.

They key, for me, is communication and moderation. My son listens to stuff now that I do not embrace, but I notice he also steers away form the explicit, graphic, lyrics that are so common today.

So, it's okay for you to listen to music with bad language, and it's okay for you to use said language, but it's not okay for your teenage to emulate what she's seen & been growing up? Kind of hypocritical, no?

I think most teens swear at one point or another. They listen to music parents don't approve of. It's a rite of passage, I think. However, if you don't like it, find some better music to listen to. I can think of many genres of music & artists that an adult would like that aren't overt with the language or sexual content.

I would talk to her. Kids can edit themselves. And if you don't like what you see in the mirror, you can edit yourself, too. What did she say to them and is it what you say around her? Even with teenagers, it is important to model the behavior you want.

I'm certain that my SS cussed a lot more than I heard. But we made it clear that in our home we prefer (acknowledging that we are all human and slip) that people not cuss. If SS wants to have a conversation with a friend on the phone where they'll drop the f-bomb, he goes to his room so that DD doesn't hear it. If SD is baking and listening to music, she'll play a clean playlist instead of some of her other music out of respect to those of us listening.

And maybe it's time to have a chat with her about music, self-expression, and when it's appropriate and when it's not, and to look at the lyrics of some of the music you listen to and decide if that's what you want your child to hear or not. My DH encouraged the sks to listen to whatever they wanted, pretty much, but he also talked to them and made CDs editing out the songs that were not really so appropriate for their age. You can even start by saying, "DD, I was surprised because...." and then go from there.

Since you say she's only 13 and you specify "explicit", I don't think we're talking a few curse words that she picked up on the bus. It's probably time to review your music and put on earbuds when you want to listen to certain songs. There's a difference between curse words and the violent or graphic themes in some songs. Kids are sponges and soak up more than you expect. Think of it this way - if that lyric was played out on TV or in a movie, would you want her to watch? Would you want someone to treat her that way? If not, then find another song for her ears.

IMO...no. She needs to be taught that at her age they are not appropriate. There are grown up words and there are kid words. I've never been one to shield my kids and have never had a problem.

I listen to the same music you do, and my kids love it. My husband is a DJ so they hear every kind of music and really enjoy it all.

I do not and have never listened to explicit music around them, I don't even enjoy it myself.

However, I'd rather my kids hear and see the bad things around me than hear and see them elsewhere and not know what they are or that they are wrong. But still...I'd say yes, you are wrong for listening to explicit music around your child....not the genre of music, but the explicit music.

she is almost 14 - of course she's going to use curse words around her friends. imho, it's natural and almost unavoidable. what matters is that she knows that they are not appropriate (around you for example) and that she is well behaved and acts correctly when in situations that require it. i think we all showed off and acted "cool" around our friends, right? she didn't know you heard her. hopefully she would be embarrassed if she did.

i would tend to think that letting her be exposed to music is better than keeping her sheltered from everything. the important thing is teaching her respect and responsibility. as long as she's not talking this way in front of grandma at church on sunday mornings i'd say she's fine. let her be a teenager ;)

**ok i just read the responses and some of the ladies are right. -i don't have a problem with rock, alternative, even some of the heavier stuff, with curse words. i think i would have a problem, though, with some of the messages that rap, etc, include. it's not necessarily the cursing though. my child has heard curse words and he has heard me say a couple - and he knows, like someone said, that some things are ok for grownups (and somethings aren't really ok but if a grownup says them it's much different than if a kid says them). he doesn't use those words (granted, he's only 5) but he knows they exist, and they are in some of the music we listen to - and it isn't a problem because 99% of the time on a normal daily basis he is not hearing them out of my mouth (or my husband's, or his teachers, etc)

My daughter grew up listening to my Red Hot Chili Peppers CD's and it didn't scar her for life.

if you curse and listen to music with curse words, your daughter will curse. it's not a matter of right or wrong so much as what are you willing to accept? she's not being bad or disobedient or a poor student or a troublemaker for doing what you do. if you don't want her to swear, stop swearing and listening to explicit music around her. if you don't care, carry on.
khairete
S.

I swore like a sailor when I was 13 years old. All my friends did. I don't think I'd be shocked if my kids used swear words around their friends at that age, regardless of how much I personally do or do not expose them to it. They hear it often enough at school and in movies.

On the other hand, I will say I don't listen to songs that have a lot of swear words in them, because songs like those are usually objectionable for other reasons (e.g., glorification of violence, promiscuity, criminal behavior).

If you have a problem with it, you can always tell her that you noticed that she uses a lot of strong language around her friends. Let her know that you hope she understands that there is a time and place for words like those. In front of friends is one thing - in front of grandma, teachers, other adults is quite another.

I'm with Dawn on this O..
She's like you but being held to a different standard.
Have you discussed what is expected if her regarding language?

OK, here is my opinion on this subject. Some may agree, and others may not. (that's what I LOVE about our country) LOL! In our home, our kids DO understand that there are just some things that the "adults" get to do that the "children" do NOT. For example, the adults drive cars. They also get to indulge in a glass of wine or a beer if they would like to on occasion. If they smoke, that is allowed on the lanai. (the hubby) Certain words are considered "adult" words. They may hear these words come out of an adults mouth in a conversation, in a song, or on TV when they are walking through the livingroom. (they don't really watch anything that would have swears in it, so the only time would be while walking by on the way to their own bedrooms) We have 4 kids, seperated by several years, (oldest is 22, youngest is 9) so the younger 2 may hear the older 2 and their friends swear or listening to music with swears. My oldest daughter is of drinking age now, and is allowed to drink at home when she's not at college. My kids have ALWAYS known that these things are just adult things, and until you are an adult, or the correct age legally, (in the case of driving) you CANNOT do them. End of subject. They also know that there is a time and place for everything. Just because they HEAR it, does not mean that they will DO it. I would like to think, (and so far we have the proof with the older 2 kids) that our children will emmulate our good solid morals, our kindness and compassion, and some of the other qualities that we have instilled in them since birth. They see how we live and through our day to day actions and how we parent THEM, hopefully will grow up to understand that everything does have a time and a place in your life. Even all types of music. I am not a huge fan of rap music, but I really don't believe that if a person hears it at 11 or 12 years old, they will walk around talking that way. (well, unless nobody has explained to them that it's just music, and not real life. That's the hitch) It's all in the parenting. IMO

It is your call, but I choose not to do it. Right or wrong is different for everybody. I want to keep my kids innocent for as long as I can. They grow up way too fast, and soon enough they will be hearing those things at school.

First she is at the age that it happens. Second odds are she is already hearing that type of music around her friends.
Just make sure you explain to her that the message behind a lot of that type of music is like most fictional books and movies...not to be taken seriously.
I listen to a wide variety of music around my kids and have their whole lives. I have always told them that some songs are like movies and books while others aren't and have a good message to them.
My kids are also military brats to they have heard it all when it comes to cuss words. My oldest doesn't cuss..found that out when he butt dialed me and I listened for an hour and half while he was at school last yr. It was so funny but not one single cuss word from him.

Nope, not at all in my opinion! I do it and one of my kids won't say a bad word if you paid her to. I grew up in a house where everyone could swear just not toward or about each other, we watched any kind of movies, and eventually listened to hip hop music. But we never swore in front of others until at least our teens, and never at school or work. It's more about them knowing what the words mean, their power, and that there are appropriate times for every type of behavior! Yes they will hear those words eventually somewhere and they won't be as exciting or forbidden if you're open and honest with them.

I think it's important to teach all kids eventually about every different genre of music. I still don't know some of the words in some hip hop songs, I just like music I can dance to! Parents modeling of appropriate behavior is far more important than some music lyrics or sex and violence in entertainment. You teach them what's real, polite, and right.

One thing to remember is that now you can be fined for using raw language in front of children. Two, children have a tendency to use that same language in school where they get sent to the principal's office so don't blame her or the school authorities for punishment for her use of garbage mouth language. Just remember, Garbage In, Garbage Out. Children learn what they live.

Everyone parents differently. Depending on who you ask, the answer will (obviously) vary. I think you need to do what you are comfortable with and if you are here asking others opinion....then I think it's easy to say that you are questioning your prior decisions about your music. So, switch to the radio versions. Just keep in mind, she'll most likely still listen to explicit versions without you so, does it really matter? You can try your hardest to keep your kiddos from listening to explicit music, watching mature subject in movies, etc....but if they want access to it, they'll get it. My parents thought they were strict parents and had my sisters and I on lock-down. A few years ago we were chatting about our teenage years and I let them know I used to sneak out on weekends to hang out with my friends after curfew. I'm 40 now, they had no clue this whole time. Kids will do what they want, we just have to hope we've done a good job teaching them right and wrong and leave it at that. Good luck!

I am sure that your daughter has heard all the curse words by now, since she is a teenager. However, I would talk to her about using cuss words, especially in your house.

My husband used to listen to explicit lyrics in the car when my daughter was very young. Then at the age of 4, she used the F word. I couldn't beleive my ears! So I asked her to repeat what she said, so she did. Then I told her to tell daddy what you just said. I called him at work and told him that his daughter wanted to tell him something. He was so shocked because he thought because she was young, she wouldn't pick it up. So needless to say, he stopped listening to that while she was in the car. He got lots of Veggie tale and Barney cassettes to listen to instead.

I did have a talk withmy daughter to tell her that I didn't like that word she used. It is a naughty word. Since she didn't know it when she used it the first time I just educated her on bad words. If she used them again, then she would be in trouble.

I don't have a high tolerance for cursing and neither does any of my girls. I lead by example.

I wouldn't want my children cussing in my house. I think they shouldn't cuss around adults. That was how I was raised. We had enough sense not to curse within ear shot of an adult.