Hello, all - I'm brand-new to this site. My apologies for walking in and just dumping a problem on the table, but here we go - I would welcome any feedback.
My son is 14 and in 9th grade. He despises two of his teaches, says "they haven't earned his respect." I haven't known what to make of that, but figured that none of us liked ALL of our teachers. Figured this was drama on his part.
Here he is, two days before the end of the semester, two days before the END of this class, meaning he won't have this teacher for the rest of the year - possibly ever again. And he drops an F-bomb to her face, in front of the entire class.
Background: he was out of his seat, was told to return several times, wouldn't. She told him he was going to receive a referral to the office, and he threw up his hands and said (her quote, in my voice mail): "I don't F---in give a s--t anymore."
This is NOT how we've raised our son. He used the F-word with us for the first time a few weeks ago, in the heat of an argument, and KNEW it was over the line - yet was unapologetic and wouldn't back down. It hasn't happened since. Now he's acted out unimaginably to a teacher.
I haven't yet spoken to him - I'm still at work. My plan: he will lose privileges for this: no PS3, no phone, no computer, no going out. I'm not yet decided on how long this will last, but I WILL decide before I get home, and I WILL stick to it, no matter how miserable he tries to make the rest of us.
Second: he needs to write an apology to his teacher. I predict that he will flat-out refuse to do so. If so, that adds another increment of time to his restriction. Or he can simply DO it (since, from his point of view, he won't have to see her again after this semester anyway - that should save him SOME face, not that HE needs it) and be free that much sooner.
I'm SO hoping my husband will stick with me on this. I'm the hard one, he's a bit more wibbly on things. We have to present a united front. My son is big on creating drama, trying to suck us into circular arguments, etc. There's no telling him to go to his room. He is belligerent when he gets angry, and he's taller than I am. He will refuse to go to his room, and there's no pushing him out of mine. He never touches me or is physically violent, but he simply CANNOT be removed.
Just had a "huddle" with my husband on the phone. We're sticking with three points:
1. What you did was unacceptable and you know it.
2. You are grounded for a month.
3. There is nothing else to discuss.
We have had to agree on these specific focus points, to keep from getting drawn into a horror show. We will make these points, let our son say what he has to say, but that's that. He cannot possibly have an acceptable excuse for what he did today. We will repel any attempts at argument by simply not speaking any further about it. Not tonight, at any rate - not while his emotions are still so high, and mine are too.
Any thoughts, feedback, advice to the contrary? I thank you in advance for reading this, and for replying.
Thank you so much for all your feedback so far.
I did want to clarify one point, and that is that I AM a regular listener to my son. I do allow him to express himself at home and to vent, etc. We are very close, and are laughing together more often than not.
When I said, "There is nothing else to discuss," I meant that as a point to head off the downward spiral into 1,000 Complaints about everything else in life. I will certainly ask his side of the story, and I TOTALLY remember teachers who sucked donkey dicks! :-) We've all had teachers who were unreasonable or bad at their jobs, or whatever. I have always been empathetic with him about school concerns, and what kills me is that just the other night, I was right there listening to him vent about school, and keeping very calm about it, ultimately encouraging him to stay calm, too.
I am conflicted about the apology note to the teacher. I have already written her myself, and was not gushing, but still sincerely mortified by the event, and apologetic. I feel like he NEEDS to write an apology to her, regardless of how he feels about her. Even if he hates her, even if he disagreed with whatever she said to him, there is no excuse to swear at a teacher like that. I don't think it was unreasonable for her to expect him to put his butt in the chair - he's not a toddler, as we've all acknowledged.
And yes - he definitely has difficulty dealing with his anger. Please know that this is not because he's not allowed to express himself at home. We took him to a very good behavioral therapist when he was about 8 (and had a new toddler-age sister), who met with him a few times, worked with him on dealing with his anger and developing appropriate responses / actions, and then she told us he was basically fine. Not perfect, of course - no one is - but a normal kid who should be fine, using the tools she'd given him. I respected that because she didn't seem to be trying to keep us coming in forever.
I've offered my son an opportunity to speak to therapist again, and he was not interested. I will offer it again, though. It's been awhile since I mentioned it.
He's in ROTC at school, and I'm also going to talk to his teachers / commanders there, because THEY, of course, have "earned his respect." And yes, I have no idea where that comes from - I understand not liking a teacher, but I always respected that they WERE the teacher and if you didn't like them, as long as they weren't outright mistreating you, then you simply had to suck it up and get through the class. That is life. Like some of you have pointed out, this behavior isn't going to help him as an adult. Not that I expect him to still be a surly teen when he grows up. Most of the time he's pretty awesome. We've always taught him that, frankly, no matter where you go in life, there's a very high likelihood of having to interact with SOMEONE you don't get along with.
Anyway - thanks again for the responses. I'll be back to read more as they come in, and I appreciate all the feedback and honesty. Seriously - I asked because I wanted to know, and I'm fine with not being told what I necessarily want to hear! I will be back with how it all went.
But bottom line (tl;dr):
1. What he did WAS unacceptable.
2. Still grounded. Possible time off as we go (depending on his attitude) if he works it off in chores, but that is not up for discussion right away. No need to already be dangling a way out.
3. I will listen to his side of things, but there IS nothing else to discuss beyond this - no getting sucked into an all-night argument.
I would caution you to not speak to him "as soon as you get home" but rather tell him "we will discuss it later" and have dinner first (normally) and then speak to him when you have all had a time together to cool down (especially if you have other children so their schedule tonight is not compromised by his bad behavior).
I have a 16 yo old son, 14 yo daughter and 14 and 9 yo step sons so I can relate to the age. What he did is serious and blatent disrespect for someone in authority, but I do think that a month is a little long. What does the grounding include? phone, PS3, friends, texting, Facetime, etc. Sounds like he already got the referral and punishment from the school.
My SS was grounded from friends and phone (could only call family - no internet, calling or texting). He could, however, use his Xbox and do Live chats.
I applaud you for supporting the teacher, but I think at least let him explain what happened. He still shouldn't have used the F-bomb, but there's got to be more to this.
Good luck!
Feel free to share this response with your son.
I was raised to believe that respect is earned, however you must give respect in order to receive it. Respect is always a two way street. I treated people respectfully and expected the same treatment in return.
Ask your son how he would have felt if She had spoken to him in that manner? Would he consider her disrespectful? Always treat people as you would like to be treated. Yes, there will be people in life that you do not agree with, don't like, can't stand in fact, but here in the real world we can not curse those people out ever time we "feel" like it.
He was wrong for being out of his seat in the first place. If you want to be treated like a grown man then act like one. He needs to take ownership of his own behavior. It's far to easy to make excuses for bad choices. Be a man and accept responsibility for yourself. Unless she was cursing at him in that manner and he acted out in direct response which is NOT the case, then I can see no valid reason for his behavior.
I agree with most of your plan with the exception of writing an apology letter. He made a choice to disrespect the teacher in front of her entire class. He should be man enough to apologize to the teacher in front of the entire class. He owes that to her and frankly to himself as well. Act like the man you want to be and not the unruly teen you are presenting to the world.
Peace and Blessings,
T. B
Welcome!!! Glad to have you :D
Lol... And that's what this site is about! We get goofy, silly, etc... But we're all about finding creative solutions to problems, groaning over common headaches, and the whole shebang.
_____
1) GREAT idea for a toddler / BAD idea for a teenager.
2) think to a time in your life when YOU were that mad at someone. A boss. A soon-to-be-ex-friend. Whomever. No imagine instead of loving support from the people in your life they told you you had no possible excuse, were unwilling to listen to ANYTHING you had to say, and furthermore, you had to apologize and were going to be banned from all activities for the next month.
Is what he said acceptable? Nope. But treating him like an errant toddler will not help him process/learn/stop, will cut you off from him and TOTALLY torpedo the next "role" in your life.
Mentor.
This is different from being a "friend". This is a trusted adult that a you v adult (aka teen) can COME to. Can discuss things with. Can be honest about mistakes with. Can learn from.
If you shut him down the way you're planning on... Be prepared to be shut out, and to lose all influence over his decision making in the future.
Which, Im fairly sure, is the opposite of what you want?
After reading both your post and your follow-up, here are a few things that pop out for me.
First, I believe that your son's apology needs to be an in-person apology. He chose to be rude and humiliate his teacher in front of the class. I've been in the military,and believe me, a note of apology would simply not fly. I've been called on the carpet by my CPO for doing something stupid-- it was an informative experience.
If he feels he can use adult language with his teacher, he'd best be prepared to deal with the consequences as an adult. A note saying 'sorry' for insubordination to an employer or authority figure won't cut it. The lesson will be hard, but likely, if you hold his feet to the fire, he won't do it again. I'm not sure why you are choosing the 'saving face' option when this could be a valuable lesson in humility and learning to clean up the mess one makes. Saving face, to me, would be scheduling a private time for him to apologize to her in person, not by allowing him to just write an apology without giving *her* the chance to respond, which I think is unfair to her and unrealistic for him. He spoke out and has to deal with the consequences. (Think about it, this would be like having two children who are playing, one hits other then says "sorry" without allowing the second child a chance to say "hey, don't hit me" or "I didn't like that".) Are you sending the message to the teacher that she just needs to suck it up and accept his apology without having her say? Is that a realistic lesson for him, going forward?
Part of making amends is having to listen, however hard it is, to what the offended party has to say. And given that her request to sit down was perfectly reasonable, I think she has the right to find resolution with him on this.
Second, you mention that you offered for him to talk to a therapist as an option. If he's doing what you are saying (circular arguments that go nowhere, rudeness, refusing to go to his room when you ask him), then he loses the *choice* of going to see someone. This is where we have to do the hard work of being parents and make the choice that he *will* be going to see a therapist. "You seem unhappy and we aren't getting on well when you are angry. I think you will benefit from someone else helping you deal with your anger so that you feel you have other options which won't have a negative affect on your future."
The whole "earning my respect" suggests he also needs a little help figuring out his place in the world. He may not like his teachers, however, they are not his peers. They are the authority figure in the classroom and there is a way to go about broaching problems he has with them. A therapist could also help him figure out strategies to problem-solve around this issue, so that when he does have a problem with an authority figure, he can think first and then approach calmly to find out how to fix the problem.
Of course, do listen to his anger and 'why'... and then, as others have suggested, then-- it's time to fix the problem, and then move on. Hopefully, forward. And I'd skip the grounding, personally. Unless he refuses to apologize to her. Otherwise, once it is resolved between them, let it be.
PS--If I seem a bit hardcore, please know that I've had my 5 year old son apologize in person to his kindergarten teacher (before class--we scheduled it) for a mistake he made that affected others. The apology and making amends was the consequence. However, the problem was between him and her, not he and I, so the apology was necessary. We have had no repeat incidents of that sort!
My mom was a high school teacher, and this is her standard line for not liking a teacher:
"You don't have to like a teacher to learn, and your teacher does not have to like you to teach you."
And, that'd the bottom line. Do you really care if your son likes his teachers? It is fairly likely that these same teachers do not like your son. Would you like someone who treated you rudely, disobeyed and was defiant? The thing is that the teacher is in a position of authority, which automatically requires a certain amount of respect merely becauser she's a teacher and an adult. All he really has to do is sit quietly in her class and not disturb anyone else. Whether he chooses to learn anything while in that class is completely up to him, but he at least needs to show enough respect not to be disruptive and rude. Personally, I think your son should probably have a suspension and/or detention thrown in from the school. I'm with you, his behavior is in no way OK for any reason. This is probably not the first time he hasn't liked a teacher and is almost certain not to be the last time. However, there are still standards of behavior that are expected inside a classroom. I'm right there with you on your punishment!
I just wanted to add that I STILL remember the time my parents made me write a "letter" to my bus driver that repeated the line 'I apologize for my actions and will never do it again' 100 TIMES! God, that sucked. But, it totally got the message into my head. I will never do what I did on that bus again.
The sad thing is, I loved this bus driver. He was awesome. But I was in a really bad, hormonal, teenage mood that day. He gave a speech to the whole bus about how he had just spent all day cleaning the bus to drive the basketball team to their game that night and we had to keep it super clean as well. I don't remember what, but something happened to piss me off and I ripped up several sheets of paper into tiny little pieces and spread them all over the floor. Never again.
Make him write the note.
I completely understand your fears and your reaction. I however would be careful with how heated you get about this with him. I would really, really get his side of the story and simply ask him what happened today in X class. I would truly listen to him and validate his feelings on his teachers etc. Then when he speaks about what happened, you can ask him---what would you have changed/done different? When you talk to him face to face without yelling or getting heated about it, he will be suprised and more receptive to hearing what you have to say. If you go and talk to him the way you are describing here without listening to him or being willing to discuss, then he will shut you out and he won't learn the lesson here. You will suprise him if you are calm, ready to listen and not judge. Trust me, you can dole out punishment after---but LISTEN first, validate and gain your son's trust and confidence before agreeing on a punishment. I feel if you go the other way it will make him angry and shut down. You want to keep the communication lines open---he's a teen~
I think you're on the right page. He was totally out of line.
I would be curious, at a later date, to really know why these teachers were so despised. He needs to be disciplined for what he said, but in a separate conversation, he needs to clarify the issue with this teacher. Teachers don't need to "earn" respect, but if they are horrible they can LOSE it. I had a teacher once in 8th grade - about when I was your son's age - that hid a STUDENT's gym shorts in his desk and thought it was funny. He gave me a look when I told my fellow student where it was. Luckily the teacher didn't have reprisals at me, but that teacher was totally out of line with his behavior. Jo W has a valid point.
Your son needs to know his behavior was out of line. But you also need to know if the teacher was an issue. Having a parent listen when something is wrong at school is priceless. He needs to be able to communicate facts well, not just his "earn respect" comment and a feeling. He'll need to get over it if it's just dislike/personality clash, but real issues should be uncovered if they are there.
ADD: Counseling might be good for you all, maybe, if he's having issues with anger. He is at an age where he is neither adult nor child - and that sucks. You can't discipline him like a little kid. He needs to learn how to be an adult. Loveandlogic.com may have some helpful stuff - natural consequences and decision making as parenting tools. Good luck!
In my book, whether a child likes a teacher or not has nothing to do with how they treat the teacher. Absolutely a letter of apology -- it wouldn't matter if it was your boss, a coworker, a friend or a relative. He can express (politely) in the letter any VALID reason he had to be upset or frustrated when he said it, but chances are he doesn't have any valid reason. It doesn't matter what your personal opinions are about someone who is an authority figure -- there is a right way of handling it. He only had two more days to get through and he chose a really stupid way of behaving. Good luck - stick to your guns!
I agree with what Christy Lee had to say, and I will come back later and add more. I am short of time at the moment. Bottom line, it doesn't matter whether he respects his teacher or not, whether his teacher earned it or not. I think he is looking at that the wrong way---he needs to be concerned with earning respect himself. And dropping Fbombs to school staff and refusing to be in his seat as instructed by a teacher is NOT how to go about that. He doesn't sound too concerned with earning YOUR respect either.
I'd start there.
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Well, I came back. I don't have a lot to offer, and you've gotten a lot of feedback already. I just want to say that I, too, have a 14 yr old 9th grade son. I cannot FATHOM him refusing to sit down after a request (instruction) by a teacher. Let alone the F-bomb. I also cannot even wrap my head around the idea that he would F-bomb ME or my husband. Should things ever escalate to that level, we would all be in serious trouble. Not because the word itself is that powerful, but because our son knows how to be respectful and he knows the limits he is allowed to operate under. It just would not happen.
I stand by my statement that you should start with the respect discussion, and that it isn't for his teacher to earn from him, but rather for him to show his teacher. The teacher is the authority. Even if the teacher is awful, you don't poke a venomous snake when you are within its striking distance.
I also think that regardless of what the school decrees for disciplinary action against him, that you and your husband should accompany him to a scheduled appointment with the teacher for him to give a verbal apology. Not in front of the class, but in private.
The teacher may very well have something to say to him, or perhaps to you (or perhaps even in private after you son steps out). And since your son seems to be comfortable using his size to intimidate women (you, it sounds like) your husband needs to be present so that the teacher is not uncomfortable. If I were a teacher, I would not want to be alone with a large male student who thinks nothing of dropping the Fbomb on me while saying they don't care what I say ("I don't F---in give a s--t anymore.") all while refusing to comply with REPEATED requests to be seated... in front of the entire class. This, tied together with your whole paragraph describing that you cannot enforce any discipline on your son because he simply will not physically comply is very telling.
There are MUCH bigger issues here than what to do about his F-bomb with the teacher. And frankly, I am not getting why you seem more focused on the Fbomb than on the total lack of respect for authority (yourself included) he displays.
Honestly, unless there was violence or theft or some other real harm done I would let the school punish him, and have him face the consequences there.
I am a firm believer in natural consequences:
you break the rules at school, the school will discipline you,
you break the rules at home, then I will discipline you.
Though you say you can't control him anyway, I mean if you can't even make him go to his room then how are you going to possibly enforce grounding him?
This is a maturity thing (or lack thereof).
There will be PLENTY of events through out his life where he'd love to say 'take this job and shove it' (why do you think the song was so popular?).
But he'll only be hurting himself in the long run.
A boss does not have to put up with mouthy employees.
He needs to learn to deal with his anger in constructive ways.
Teacher didn't earn his respect - HA! - what makes him think his respect is worthy of being earned?
If he wants to be treated like a man he better stop mouthing off like some ill mannered kid.
Engage the brain before opening the mouth and not the other way around.
If it were my son (he's 14, too), there's be repercussions every which way around.
Me and his Dad would ground him, he'd be writing that apology ASAP, and his taekwondo Masters (these guys can shout like a drill sergeant) would run him ragged so he could think about respect and how to better show it.
Teens!
They almost make you miss the terrible two's!
Hang in there!
You'll get through this.
I don't think that I would require an apology letter to the teacher. Jo is right in what she is saying, and if he hates this teacher, the apology won't mean a thing, and maybe she doesn't really deserve one.
However, he HAS to learn not to do this stuff. He will lose job after job if he doesn't learn now. You can't say this stuff to your boss.
I really think that you need to get some counseling for your son, mom. Find a teen counselor. Sometimes group counseling is helpful - see what the counselor says.
He's got a lot of anger and he needs a safe place to talk about it. I think you've had enough problems at home that what happened at school shows it's escalating. Don't back down on the grounding, but go get some professional support for him.
Good luck,
Dawn
I am very late to this, and I don't have teenagers, but I'll throw in my 2 cents anyway.
I think the apology should be in person. The fact of the matter is, whether the teacher has earned his respect or not, he needs to have some. She is an adult, and at 14 he is still child. She doesn't have to earn his respect as far as I am concerned. You respect your teachers enough to not swear at them whether you like them or not.
From what you describe he does need to see someone about his anger issues. Belligerent and a f... you attitude are not going to get him anywhere. You have to give respect to get it. And sometimes people don't deserve your respect but you have to figure out a way to deal with them anyway. He's still a kid now, and maybe he shouldn't know how to deal with everything now, but there's no better time than now to start on a new path.
It sounds like you have a good relationship with him to a certain extent, but honestly the fact that he thinks for a second that he can use the f-word with you surprises me. I am 42 years old and have never said that word in front of my Mom or Dad.
It sounds like you and your husband are off to a good start. I'd stick with it.
don't hate me, but I have to admit....I smiled when I read your title.
You are now living in The Twilight Zone of Teen Years. The time period where you have to fight for respect, you have to govern how/when you push for control, & quite often you just want to bang your head against a brick wall. Welcome to a few years of Not Fun & welcome to Mamapedia!
& it will get better. I like your 3 points, but have a few recommendations:
#1....your words are absolutely correct.
#2....yes, he needs to lose privileges. I do find that grounding is Hell on the parents, & provides a constant point of contention. It also affords the teen multiple opportunities to create further mayhem by breaking this rule.
I try to keep the grounding to a minimum, & prefer to rely upon extra chores & responsibilities.
#3....this one concerns me. You are not allowing him to express his thoughts & opinions. When you combine this + "he cannot possibly have an acceptable excuse for what he did today"......you are lighting a powder keg of issues/emotions. In his mind, he has the right to speak freely & chose profanity to get his opinion across.
& this brings me to where I think you are developmentally with your son:
for him to lash out like this....screams emotional issues. Time to really be working with him on what is bothering him. Something is pushing him towards this explosion....& this one episode will not be the end of it.
I am in no way condoning his outburst. But after living thru my older son's teen years, I have learned to take the time to listen & assess from his point of view, not from my own Rule Book of Values. In many cases, the parent & teen are living on separate pages! Good Luck!
I am chuckling while I read this.
My son is 16, and at about 14 decided that teachers had to earn his respect also. I still don't get where that comes from - maybe testosterone?
And while he has not verbally told a teach to "F" off - he has done so in so many non-verbal ways.
I think punishment for the incident at school is the right way to go on this. I don't know that forcing him to write an apology will work - and I don't think you need to write an apology. You just need to assure the teacher and the administration that you are handling the issue.
On another note completey - my son did therapy at that age. When I ask him now if he wants to go back he says no. Of course, our sons don't want to go to therapy - it is hard work!! My boy is ADD and has some ODD. A couple of years ago he began taking Zoloft for some depression issues - the offshoot was that it seriously helps manage his ODD. And while I don't want him to be medicated for life, he is very clear with me and his doctors that he likes the way he feels when he is medicated. He does not like it when he is angry out of control - so we continue the meds. Just something to think about if your son has ODD issues.
Good Luck with him. These are difficult and wonderful years with our sons.
you are absolutely right.
i hope your husband backs you up.
khairete
S.
It seems as if you and your husband are ahead of the game........ you are a untied front. To be honest I think grounding him is a good start. It is normal for boys to act out somewhat as they hit puberty, but it just seems like it has gone beyond that. I don't want you to be offended, but it seems as if your son has a very serious lack of respect for authority, even your authority. He is headed toward very serious behavior problems. I am not sure how he has acted before or how you guys handled it, but it may be a good idea to speak with his counsler at school to she what he/she has to say about it.
Hi!
I am very late to this conversation...but one method that I employed when kiddos chose to use an offensive word was to have them come up with an EXHAUSTIVE list of other words...or slang terms that meant the same thing.
I then posted it on the refrigerator for reference...or to be added on to by sibs.
I, personally would allow the school to impose their 'sanctions'. I might try to encourage a note of apology...but only IF he could see how his words might have been offensive to his teacher .
I don't know...for ME...they were words...inappropriate ones in the context of school...so make him seek out 'other' choices...
I have often felt that the teen years are the 'toddlerdom' of adult hood. He used POOR WORDS...Give him more acceptable ones!
Just my 2 cents.
Best Luck!
Michele/cat
Stick to your guns!
You don't have to like your teachers.. I do understand that... however, they still need to be treated respectfully, whether or not, in his opinion, they've "earned" his respect... he is just 14, and should be treating ALL adults in positions over him with respect.
Be sure to talk to his ROTC commander.... I'm sure they will have some suggestions and possible repercussions on his behavior at school... I hope he also is getting a referral? Maybe some time in ISS (In School Suspension) or whatever they have at your school for behavior infractions will help him think about his behavior?
Be sure when you tell him that he is grounded for a month that you already have decided what he is grounded from..... be specific, like what you mentioned earlier..... I do understand about him possibly getting to earn back some privileges as he goes.... after all, even convicted prisoners can get time off for good behavior.... just don't discuss it at this point... maybe a bit later if he starts acting remorseful...
Just curious... what about computer for necessary school assignments? Can you physically monitor him while he uses the computer for research or writing?
Good luck!
Welcome!!!!
I have read most of the responses you received and I agree with most of them. However, a couple of things. Your son dropped the F bomb with you and your husband. What were the consequences then? If he has had issues with a couple of teachers were they addressed?
I am reading this and I am thinking this young man is a wanna be thug who thinks that teachers have to earn "his" respect. Well, my answer to your son is this, "little man grow up. This world is full of people you won't like. Been there, done that and I have the t-shirt. However, there is a time and place. This wasn't the time nor the place to tell your teacher what you did".
I understand wanting to "understand" why he did this. But the fact of the matter is when he behaved in the manner in which he did, he lost all credibility to any grievance he had.
#1. Are you sure he knows what he did was wrong? When he did it with you and your husband did he get grounded? Where there consequnces?
#2. Grounded for a month? Yeah, I like that. I was grounded for a month 2. I was a little slow at first!! =)
#3. I agree. His behavior is inexcusable.
The fact of the matter is, he was wrong and he needs to learn how to behave. If he doesn't he will not be successful in life. Period.
Boy, sometimes being an adult and parent is a highly overrated job!!! It will get easier.
First of all, I find it incredibly rediculous that a 14 year old can say a teacher has not earned his respect!! HA! Where in the world does this child get the idea that an adult, ANY adult earns his repsect??? That is so backwards.
I had a fairly strict and harsh upbringing in some ways. But now as an adult I can be very thankful for such.
We were TAUGHT very early on, that elders were to be respected. Even if we disagreed, we were children they are adults therefore that are spoken too with respect and obeyed. PERIOD. Especially a teacher!!! I feel that may a major problem for you right there. I am not saying you aren't good parents, but where does he get this idea?
Secondly, he definitely needs a harsh punishment. It is absolutely horrible that he uses that kind of language at 14. And that he "won't" go to his room? Or "won't" be moved from yours?
Huh! Maybe the police could change that for you. Not that they would areest your son, but maybe he needs a little authority scare.
He's already exhibiting some pretty rebellious behavior. He obviously doesnt respect adults, his parents or authority.
You need to nip this in the bud! Good luck!
I wouldn't neccessarily have him write the apology to his teacher. It won't be sincere. I myself would apologize for my child's behavior. And then maybe ask the school if there's something he could do within school as a punishment!
This is totally a maturity issue, and I would also say that there's likely something going on in his life that he's not letting you in on. A child doesn't simply change overnight like this for no reason. I'm curious why he would think that simply because he doesn't like someone or because he may have a personality clash with someone that would mean they haven't earned his respect. The fact is that he must show respect until it's proven that they've lost it. Simply disliking someone isn't enough of a reason. And teachers are not ever to be disrespected like that no matter what, even if the teacher is the worst mothereffing loser of all time. Authority is authority whether he likes it or not. Suppose it were a police officer he did that to? The end game wouldn't be in his favor.
Real life discipline for real life misbehavior. I'm relieved that you're into that. I do wonder what's going on that would make him choose to defy authority in his life in this manner. Verbal violence and physical intimidation, even if he's not actually physically injuring someone, is still violence. And it's abusive. It has a high risk of escalating. I hope that you and your husband are open to getting your son some counseling.
Well we wish that each and every 17 year old was mature. Some really are mature by this age. our daughter knew many college students that began college at the age of 16 and 17 and were living across the country from their parents.
But it sounds like your son is not quite there yet.
Not being able to control his temper as a child was understandable.. maybe even at 13 or 14.. But by this age, it becomes worrisome, because he can get into legal trouble if he is not careful.
His aggression can be taken in different ways, what if he blows up outside of school, lets say at a store or restaurant? While driving... Scary..
Has he been tested for emotional and mental problems? Not saying this is what his problem is, but each and every parent needs to remember a persons brain is not fully developed until mid 20's.. in the meantime, warning signs can appear. .
Being an adult, means respecting our parents, our teachers and our bosses.
Being part of a society, means following social rules. We do not speak like this to people in charge or really to anyone. I cannot think of a proper time for this language. .
IF we have a problem with someone, we are mature enough to have an honest, non confrontational conversation with the people we have issues with.. We state the facts. We state our own feelings and we can make a request. Our reactions, need to be controlled.
Remind your son, that since he has proven he has work to do in this area.. he needs to go back to his therapist and he needs to take a break from some of his privileges. Personally, I feel a month of punishment is a long time. I would let him know you are thinking a month is what he needs to think about this situation.. but in 2 weeks, IF he has really kept it together, sit down with him and have a conversation about the progress you have observed and let him know you are willing to give him back his privileges, but IF he steps out of line.. the next time will be the full month.
hang in there mom. You have a right to be shocked and disappointing. But be glad he is still under your roof so you can guide him and let him know he is better than this. and you care too much about him to let him continue on like this.
FYI, speaking with hhis commanders is an excellent idea.
I agree that this is very serious. However, I'm wondering if you could think of a more meaningful consequence that would be more connected to what he did. If the teacher us willing could he do some work for her in addition to the apology? Or, maybe ask your son what he think he needs to do to make it right? If he won't engage in this then maybe go to grounding? Good luck!
