Help with Teenage Son!

I'm a grandmother, my son, a single parent has two daughters 13,and 15,he has the same problem with the 15 old daughter, I agree with you it must be a definite time for any punishment, she left the campus at lunch time and miss a class and the school has punished her, we are desperate do not what to do, she is late for school, she lies, we cannot afford a professional, her father has taken away the phone, no television for three months, it does not seem to face her, she is a beautiful intelligent girl we as family trying to help but we are at loss. Thank you any suggestions. Respond

Hi,
I am going through the same situation with my 13 year old son. I usually give him a set restriction schedule, and it seems like he understands the reason why he ended up grounded. However, my husband thinks he needs to be grounded until no end. I am a stay at home mom w/ 3 boys, ages 13, 6 & 3. I think the teenage years have been the hardest time in parenting.

In my teenage years I was grounded 99% of the time. Let me tell you that it was the worst thing my mother could have ever done. I acted out whenever I got out of the house. I ditched school to be w/ my friends, I experimented w/ drugs at an early age, I became very promiscuous and had physical fights w/ my mother. If I had more freedom, I know half of the stuff I did probably never would have happened. I think taking material things away such as ipods, computers or cell phones etc. is a more effective way of discipline.

Hi,

I saw your post and not sure if I can help but wanted to share some possible learnings. I think although they are teenagers, we still need to provide very firm guidelines and structure. They are still kids and need this structure. Just like younger children, they need the safety structure provides esp. now that they are in the world of bigger kids and bigger issues.

It concerns me that your son snuck out of the house. Did you call the parent where he stayed? Do you know these kids? Not to alarm you, but my 18 year old is currently having serious problems with alcohol. We have put him in an impatient facility. There is a long history of this in his family (he is adopted so not in the home) BUT I do think we gave him one too many chances on things in general and way too much freedom. I am not blaming ourselves but I do have to say my husband and I used to fight ALL the time over discipline and I thought my husband was too strict but I realize now that our problems with our son are much worse, that my husband was right! Anyhow, I used to defend our son all the time.

I know your question was having an end date or not on your rules. Well, I think you need to give him a very serious consequence for sneaking out of the house like that. I dont personally think it makes a difference on an "end date" but more of giving him a chance to earn it back. Therefore, you might set goals for him to earn back his staying out late or spending the night at a friends...such as use grades, household duties or simply being home from school on time - whatever other issues you might have that have prompted you to not allow staying at a friends. If your husband feels his friends are bad influences and that is why you are not allowing overnighters etc. and not your sons behavior, then you should then just allow him only to stay at places you know the parents and trust where he is. End of story. You are the parents - and trust me, when he hits 18 you really have very little control.

Hope this helps even somewhat. It is really tough raising a teenager!!!

Good luck.

M.

Hi J.,

Just thought I could offer my experience to you. I am a certified addictions therapist for 15 years and a mom of two daughters, ages 22 & 11. I have worked with teens in the past as well. What I have learned is that power and control does not work with kids, especially adolescents. Which might be the type of discipline that you're referring to by your husband. The task is to find out what is underneath his behavior as that is always the issue driving the actions. Family therapy with a skilled person can be really helpful as it sounds like everyone needs to be on the same page to support your son before things get more difficult by doing the same things. I wish you all the best.

Michele

I am the mother of 3 (22yr, 19 and 15). I agree. You and your husband need to be on the same page regarding discipline. One thing that is helpful is a trick I learned from a friend. When his daughters were "grounded" he would tell them that where he went, they went. Where they went, he went. At first they drag their feet, but that forced togetherness creates opportunities to talk. See if your husband will at least try this. It will really foster a stronger relationship for them both, also allowing you to concentrate on the younger two. Your son may feel that the younger kids are getting more attention, which at their ages they should. 15 is a tough age. Too young to drive, too old for a baby sitter. I have always been the parent to drive the kids. I never drop my kids off at a new friends house without meeting the parents. Our house is the one that everyone hangs out at. Tiring? yes. But it gives me an opportunity to meet the friends. Does your son have outside interests? Sports, music, art are great ways to keep them involved with kids who are doing something instead of the ones who have too much time on their hands. My kids also know that I will talk to the parents of their friends.I have found that when I am at my wits end with what to say, I say what I really feel. That I come from a place of fear and that I don't have the answers but that I want my child to make the right choices. This is harder and harder each year as my husband passed away two years ago and I am now a single parent. Good luck with your husband and son.

Hi J.,
I see that you have many replies already but here is what I think. Dad needs to set an ending date. The reason being is your son may feel why should he change his wrong if he is going to always be on restriction. Improvement in behavior will not change if your husband does not have bounderies for himself. I hated my father saying "do as i say not as I do". So Dad wants bounderies for your son of course(we all do for our children), but there has to be bounderies for Dad also. I know how hard it is when parents have different ideas on disipline. Maybe if your you and your husband have a heart to heart and then sit down with your son and include him on a solution. Your son may feel respected and then in turn respect the rules. I wish you luck and be strong, you are caught in the middle and that can be miserable.

J.,
Hi! I have a 14 year old son and a 11 year old daughter. It is hard when the parents don't agree on the discipline. Trust me your kids know that and will do whatever they can to test that. I think you and your husband need to sit down and figure out a way to agree on your punishments or it is only going to get worse. Restrictions definitely need an end date. You are right kids are just like us, we need boundaries and deadlines. Give him a punishment, set an end date and stick to it. It will be difficult at first since it sounds like this is something new and he is being defiant but if you both agree and stand beside each other, your kids will see that they can't play you both against each other. So...my advice is to start with you and your husband and decide on an agreement. Each situation is different so it is ok to say "your father and I need to talk about this and decide on a fair consequence together". Hope this helps!! Good luck and keep smiling!!

Hi J. I have a 15 year old Grandson,and a 14 year old Grandaughter,and this is such an awkward age for them.I truely believe,that alot of adults forget. They forget how they felt during this time in their lives. Come on...Its not like they're to old to recall. They don't have dementia. At fifteen years old you don't feel or think like a (child any more.) Your body is changing,your feelings about life,are changing. Your experiencing desires,and dreams and asperations,and yes..it can all even be a bit overwelming. They know they aren't that little (boy) any longer,I believe,in some cases they act more imature,merely to please overly doting parents.I believe,that if your husband was (fair) with your son,and kept an open line of communication with him, your son wouldn't feel the need to sneak. He could feel free to be honest,and open. He has basically left your son no other option.Your husband needs to give your son some slack. If hes going to set up rules or restrictions,then he needs to also give your son some HOPE for self-improvement.Where there is no hope,there is grief,and believe me...It won't merely be your sons.I don't know your son, but I can tell you,that the sooner you both begin treating him like a young man. The sooner you give him the opportunity to prove himself trustworthy and reliable,the sooner life will become alot more pleasant,and far simpler for all of you.The very best to you J.

I don't have teenage children yet, but I do teach high school. Most of the "bad" kids I see are really good kids who need boundaries. I've worked hard to make my classroom a safe haven for them - there are very specific rules and they always know my expectations.

The one thing I've learned is that empty threats go nowhere. The kids will call your bluff and you will lose your credibility.

You and your husband need to present a united front. If you don't, your child sees the weakness and will take advantage of it. You need to appear as strong as your husband.

Also, though friends are important, it should be a privilege to go out with them. So far, ti doesn't sound like your son has been very trustworthy-therefore, no reward. On the other hand, you have not given him the opportunity to show that he is trustworthy. Set up small things for him to do.
-I will allow you to go to your friend's house for three hours only. If you are not home by x time, you will not go to your friends house again until I know I ca trust you.

You can set up time limits for the mall, for the movies, for anything. This will help him to pay attention to his timing.

I hope this helps!

I have to say I agree with you. There has to be a bit of breathing space otherwise he'll just act out more. Give him ways to work for privileges to be with his friends. At this age friends are more than important. And I agree there HAS to be an end time. But the bigger problem may be that you and your husband have to come to an agreement. He will sense or play you until he knows you're a united force.

I feel for you right now we are having trouble with our 15yr old granddaughter. She went out the window and returned at 4pm. But I tell you we give her a little freedom and it seems to do no good. We let her go to the movies and she goes somewhere else. She likes a boy who is underhouse arrest was removed from the high school she goes to( he used to go there too). We encourage sports as her outing now she is going to try for the basketball team this May. We gave her some phone priv. because she was using the phone after midnight and sneaking out to meet whom ever she called (her room is on the second floor.)and would go out the window with sheets tied to get down. Well my spouse (her grandpa) put locks on the windows and she has to everywhere I or another adult go. We can't let her out of our sight. The sport, the phone now seem to give her a few options she doesn't want to loose. She is allowed to bring two to three friends over on Wed. and Fri. To get in shape for the tryouts that will be in May. I don't know what it is. Her brother is going to be 17 and his is nothing like her. Hang in there stay strong. Grannygoosey

Well, my oldest is 2 so I don't really know what it's like to have a teenager, but I can tell you what my Mom did. She was very CONSISTENT! I knew that if I was grounded for 3 weeks it was 3 weeks to the day. She was very clear on what the punishment was, and always followed through, so I knew exactly what to expect. I'm sure it's easier said than done, but I think the key is if you say it, you have to mean it. But the consequence should be clear with an end date.

my hubby and i were like that, i took my hubby to marriage counseling, just so the counselor would tell him we need to agree on discipline. and hopefully tell him how to do it right. its the most important thing in child rearing, both parents need to be on the same page.
i agree with you of course, sounds like your husband is only giving him this discipline because hes mad, and not to help your child learn from his mistakes.
i hope this, or something one of us says, helps you out!
you know there ought to be a site like this for dads, ill look for one and let you know what i find! because even though this will help you out a lot it probably wont make your hubby change his mind, seeing as how we are all MOMs and not dad just a thought

It is not acceptable for him to sneak out if you tell him not to go anywhere. When you decide a punishment, you have to stick with it. If it were me, he would be punished for at least a month for not coming home till 6:30 am. That is just totally unacceptable. Tell him the next time he does not come home on time, you will be notifying the police. Good luck with everything.

Hello J.

Good grief your son doesn't know which way to fly when the two of you aren't on the same plane, Don't blame him for trying to get away with stuff when you both don't make the effort to see it through correctly.

1. Dad needs to make the punishment fit the crime. Sneak out at night loose nighttime priveledges for a stated number of weekend nights or one really important one. School nights can be at the library with Mom or Dad for school work purposes only.(Note I said library not a friends house to study if he needs to study with a friend they can come to your house and study in front of you.)

Dad, if you are expecting adult behavior from your Teenager you have another thing coming a Teenagers brain and body is all messed up as it is, they don't know what direction to go in and they are all over the road anyway, what they think is all mixed up and it is all temporary anyway because if you remember what we thought as a teenager is not what we think now. Grown up expectations is about as silly as a teenager asking to be treated like an adult. Your not an adult until your 18 and in my house until you prove you are one by the descions you make.

2. Mom there are no exceptions to the rule he doesn't get to go out especially during spring break if he is grounded. Letting him do traditional high school activities when he is grounded is silly, don't ground him if your going to do that. The best punishment is going with him I can attest to that. When my son ditched school I escorted him back to each of his classes the next day. School wasn't to happy but he never did it again.

3.Dad who exactly are you grounding anyway you or your wife. If you state the punishment of grounding you stay home and see that it happens or come up with something else. I am a big fan of hard labor around the house or community. What person won't benefit from hard work when they grow up plus it helps the community and family.

4. At one time we had to use Tough love. He hated us but what is that to losing him to drugs, drinking and driving, gangs and violence. We took everything out of our 16 year old's room except a sleeping bag and his clothes. (State law requires that you provide food and clothing, a roof over his head, that he attend school and you provide reasonable care. Everythig else is gravy.) It took him three months to earn it all back starting with the furniture ending with the personal computor. He is 27 now and he told me I should have been tougher, go figure.

Loving Mom, K.

Hi, J.,

My kids are still babies, but I've taught teenagers for over a decade. Do your best to stay calm and cool with your husband and son. It may be difficult, but it will much more effectively convey control of the situation and earn people's respect, if not admiration, than yelling. A Zen-like demeanor will work to your advantage. Instead of telling your husband that his ways of discipline are not working (as you put it), which may make him defensive, you might suggest creating a contract regarding code of conduct with consequences for good and bad behavior with your son. Your husband, your son and you, if all parties are willing, can create one and then try to come to consensus. Print the final draft and make sure that each person gets a copy. This may sound very formal, but it will prevent you from getting into the "You said this--No, I didn't!" debate. My experience with teenagers has told me to try to address the teenager's core concern (often unvoiced), don't automatically interpret everything he says at face value but don't discount what he says, either, and avoid argument by generally trying to engage in brief, calm discussion.

Good luck,
Lynne E

Your instincts seem right on. Getting your husband on board would be great but that doesn't seem like a possibility. But maybe that unreast in the house is contributing to his (your son's)rebellion. However, sometimes we, as women tend to give into our husbands even when were right. Stand up for your instincts. Maybe some family therapy is order for everyone.
At leaset that what workered for my family.

J.,
I agree totally with you. You need to provide consistent consequences for his actions. Follow through with every time line. Make sure to reward him for his positive behaviors. If you don't do this now it may be too late later. Even prisoners have a term & probationary times.

About me, Mom of 2 grown sons, 4 grandchildren, BS, MS Educ.
20 yrs. experience dealing with emotionally disturbed children in public schools.

Get professional help. The rest of this is being written by my wonderful 13 year old daughter.
hi,
in the past I ahve done some things that have gotten me into deep trouble meaning to say no television, no freinds, and no leaving thhe house. When I was younger and wanted to do something that may have not been the right choice , my mom would tell me : do whatever you think is right " now when I do something the thought of do whatever you think is right crosses my head. I dont personally know your son or the problems that are happening but I do think that you should let your son know that he needs to make the right choices and if he thinks that coming home past curfew or doing other crazy things might be the right choice for him, that you guys are not necissarily going to support that but going to let him make his own mistakes. One day he is going to realize that thinking before acting can be benificial. my parents did that to me in a way and that has helped me be the person that I am today and I dont even know the last time I got in deep trouble. Also, maybe you should talk to your son's freinds parents. maybe they arent aware of the situation that is going on, or maybe they are not the parents you thoughht they were meaning to say , they dont make right choices for their son and they might permit things in their house that you mmight not permit. personally, talking about my self, i didnt really think that therapy did help, but instead my parents helping me to overcome. that was just me though. as a parent, it comes to a time where you have to let your son/ daughter go off and make their decisions. Let your son know that he needs to make the right ones so he can help himself. There is no use in saying all the things that he has done wrong, you should let him know that there is still time to make things right in order to be a better persona and that you guys are going to be with him every step of the way, even if he makes decisions at the time that does not really make you and your husband proud. it sounds like you and your husband want best for your son and eventually when he looks back on all of this he will appreciate all that you have done for him.

It is great that you do discipline your son but you have to get on the same page and create a united front or it will tear you apart. Also he is 15, and probably hasn't done anything as bad as you did when you were a kid...yet! Give him some space to spread his wings, let him have one overnight w/ friends whose parents you know. Let him know you trust him but make sure he knows he will face consequences if he does not adhere to your rules. Most important of all mom and dad is get on the same page with the discipline! It will be good for the younger children also to have a standard that big brother had to follow and when they get older they will too. Good Luck!

You are absolutely right, but I know how hard it is to get men to listen- thankfully I wear the proverbial "pants" in our family, so while my husband will say his piece, my way goes and we're pretty consistant. The key with discipline at ANY age is consistancy, which you're lacking since you don't agree, and fairness (which is a difficult concept), which isn't getting accomplished because your husband doesn't put an end date on his punishment. But if you want to be really constructive and ambitious about setting punishments for your son, you and your husband (and, ideally, your son also) could sit down and make a list of rules and what exactly will happen when that rule is broken. So, say, one rule is no sneaking out, and you list the punishment as 3 weeks restriction. If your son is involved in the discussion he will be more responsive. And it will get rid of the "you're grounded until I say so" thing from your husband. You could also set up a system where your son can earn privledges, so in addition to being punished for his bad behavior he is also rewarded for the good. If he wants something, like a cell phone or whatever, say he has to go three months (or whatever sounds reasonable to you) without breaking your trust or breaking curfew and he has to have certain grades (just examples, whatever you think is appropriate, but keep the bar kind of high- not only will it make him work harder, but it will show him that you think he can accomplish these things). And do your best to keep the lines of communication open between yourself and your son. However, I think the tougher nut to crack in this situation will be your husband. Good luck!

You are absolutely correct. Sounds like your husband's disciplining techniques will backfire on you in the long-run. Your son will rebel, and things will get worse, with possibly life-long consequences. Drugs, drinking, hanging out with the wrong people, dropping out of school... I'm sorry. If your husband won't listen to reason, you are in trouble. This is no time for him to play "hardball". Your son's future is at stake. Many parents are too "my way or the highway" to understand that too many rules during this particular stage of life will have the exact opposite result than desired. Good luck!

Mom of 26, 23, 21, and 8 year old sons

I have to say that whatever kind of discipline you guys decide on YOU BOTH HAVE TO AGREE!!!

At this point, I'm not going to say he is right or you are right. You are both confusing the heck out of him and he doesn't need that right now.

You and hubby have a talk, come to an agreement that you can both be happy with and stick to it. PLEASE!!

When I was 15, that is exactly how my parents were, I didn't believe either one really meant what they were saying and I got in to more trouble than I care to admit.

Good luck,
M.

J.,
I agree with you. There has to be an ending date. He has to have something to look forward to. He has to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My friend does the same thing with her children. One day I was talking with her daughter and that was something she brought up. She never knows how long she will be on restriction for. This is very discouraging for them. Even us as adults want or need to know when something is going to end. Good Luck

Young adults like your teenage son need consequences for their actions and they also need boundaries. I agree with you that an open ended discipline becomes more of a punishment rather than a learning experience. I would rather hope you would stress that you have lost trust in your son and he has to earn that trust back. His future actions will show you if and when you can trust him. Put the ball back in his court, he will then learn self discipline.

Avoid making the discussion a "my way or your way" choice, because that will make your husband dig in his heels and be stubborn. Find a counselor, book, clergy member, or someone or something else that your husband will accept as an outside authority. Together, make a plan, and stick to it. You'll be fighting all these battles with at least 2 more kids.

Ask your son (and other kids) for their input, too. You'll find that they often expect the consequences to be more severe than they are. They also want to know EXACTLY what the rules and punishments are. Asking, "What do you think should happen?" might give you a good idea of where to start.

My husband always felt that having a set of rules was too "rigid," and that everything should be decided on the spur of the moment. After lots of talking with other parents, reading advice from experts, watching kids' behavior, and trial and error, he's changed his mind and now believes in a clear, consistant set of rules. Change doesn't happen overnight.

You and your husband need to sit down and agree on discipline, period. Your son is receiving mixed signals and needs to see a unified front. If you're having problems with him now at 15, it will only get worse. Because I am a single mom who has raised two kids and did everything myself, I strongly recommend that you and your husband stick together. It is absolutely the best thing for your kids to see. Good luck.

J.,

You and your husband need to get on the same track. From what you write, he will not listen to you. Look for parenting classes for parents of teens. His schools counselors might have a list or you could check to see if you city has some under Adult Ed., or check the boys and girls club or newspapers. If you can find any of those I recommend family counseling. If your insurance doesn't cover it look for a counseling center that charges on a sliding scale.

Good luck,

Evelyn

J., I am also a mom of 3. 2 boys - 20 and 17 - and 1 girl - age 10. I was a single mom for 13 years and always had ending dates for restrictions until I remarried a couple of years ago. Unfortunately, my new husband's idea of discipline sounds like what you are describing with your husband. Maybe it's a male trait but I believe it is a bad one and it is detrimental to the kids.

My middle son had to endure the "permanent restrictions" and got progressively more defiant. He began lying to us about everything including things he didn't need to lie about and he told me that it didn't matter if he got caught in the lies because he was already grounded with no hope of "release". I do believe that my son felt there was no "light at the end of the tunnel", and that this was a direct cause of his decision to stop making good choices. Why should he make good choices if there is no reward for it and who cares if he got in trouble - he was already grounded anyway.

The end result was that he failed the first two years of high school (in three different schools) and finally had to take the GED just to finish school on time. He told me that he feels like he has failed himself but that he didn't know how to pull out of the hole he had dug by not caring about getting into trouble. He has lost all confidence and feels so badly about himself that he began telling lies - HUGE lies - about himself and his family.
He did not want to admit that he was grounded (constantly) so told his friends things like "I won't be in town this weekend because we are flying in my mom's private jet to Aspen to go skiing" or "I don't need school or a job anyway because I will be getting my share of a $38 million dollar inheritance when I turn 18." WOW! All of this because of what started as a minor disagreement over discipline.

J., you really need to sit down and talk with your husband. If he cannot understand or it turns to a fight, perhaps you can suggest counseling or parenting classes for the two of you (or even just a class on how to deal with teenagers). Whether or not he goes, you should go just for tips and to know that you are not alone in your dilemma. I believe that parents should stand by each other when it comes to the kids, but in this case you need to put your foot down. Insist that the grounding will be for whatever seems fair - Remember the punishment should fit the crime. It may be a week, it may be a month. It just HAS to be limited somehow.

What happened with my son? He now lives with his Grandma who is a retired child psychologist who is helping him to work through his issues before it is too late. She is also there with him 24/7 and follows up on everything he tells her telling him that he must EARN the trust before she will give it to him but she also gives him opportunities to earn that trust.

Good luck to you. I hope it all works out.
W.

Hello! I am a high school teacher, in addition to being a mom to a 4 yr. old and a 10 mo. old. I have been working with teenagers for 13 years. I have to agree with you. Teenagers (especially 15!) change VERY rapidly. They will be different people in two years. Two months is a lifetime to them. Endless punishments are just too much. The can't even comprehend them. You have to be specific, swift and consistent. You have to carrot and stick for short amts of time. But I also agree with your husband in that if he was grounded for Spring Break, then he is grounded for Spring Break. Consistency is crucial. Teenage boys are reckless impulsive things. You need to do the thinking for him. And rest assured that he will probably be completely lovely by the time he's a senior. There is a HUGE difference between 15 and 17. Good luck!

100% agree you need end dates - to teens, two days is an eternity. Your husband is in a power stuggle with your son and is insistent that he's in charge. He's not. Like in every good relationship, you need compromise - your teen, however undisciplined, is an individual trying to exercise a little bit of independence. If all he gets it "I'm in control here and I'll control you indefinitely", he'll be frustrated and defy you. Your husband needs to see him as a person.

I agree with you about putting a time limit on punishments. I know my 14 yr. old has to know the conditions of the punishment she gets. Maybe you could talk to your husband and ask him to try it your way one time and see how things go. I know how men like to be in control so tell him he gets to decide on the length of time. Also the punishment should fit the crime. We have often let our daughter tell us what her punishment should be and if we think it is fair then we go for it, but if it isn't we decide on what it should be.
So ultimatly we are in control.
Maybe it is time to sit down all three of you and lay down some rules. He is getting close to being an adult and would like to have some say in how his life is run. It made a difference with our daughter when we did that. We made a list of rules and we all signed them. It is nice to refer back to that list when things get tough.
Good luck
B.

Hi J.,
I also have a teen who will be 15 next month. When we have issues with our kids, no matter who it is, you need to be one with your husband. Kids love to seperate you. You and hubby should sit down and talk about what options you are thinking of. Its so important! Who wants to fight with your spouse over discipling your child? Not fun. Also, if you guys are having a tough time talking about things, you may want to consider taking a "tuneup" or marriage counseling, or even a class on dealing with teens. Sometimes I feel like when I can't talk to my hubby, maybe another person can...objectively. I've been married 16 years.
Hope it helps.

I did this same thing when I was your son's age. I am now 22 but none the less. I think a lot has to do with consistency and I also think that you hit it on the nose with an "end date". That is how I felt. I just didn't want to stay home.
I think what would have helped me would be to have a little bit of freedom(since we are talking about break from school too) but at the same time kids NEED GUIDELINES. Not only guidelines but set guidelines that are not going to change. If you get into trouble for something one day then it should be the same 2 months later. You have a lot of other great advice too so I hope you find something throughout all of these great responses that will work for you and your husband.

It is very important that you and your husband get on the same page as far as discipline. Talk it over with your husband and at least agree to wait until the two of you have talked about the discipline. Trust me, you DON"T want to say he's restricted and then let him off! Think before you speak, if a week is to long because it's spring break then only restrict him for 3-5 days. It is so important for you to be consistent and say what you mean! The next 3 yrs will be so much easier on all of you if you both have a united front and your son knows you both mean what you say! Kids like to know where they stand.

Hi Mama J.,

I only have a 4 month old boy, so I cannot give any advice from that perspective. However I WAS a rebellious, lying teenager. We lived isolated, I did not have a car, and my parents were both workaholics. I was very bored. Then there was the fact that they were very untrusting of other people and they were overprotective. I was very social but not allowed very much freedom with friends. So I would go to a lot of trouble to "sneak out" or "spend the night at a friends" and do things that would probably make my parents faint if they knew. I was just dying for some excitement. I do believe that your son not knowing when he will be released from his punishment probably makes him feel caged. My only idea that I wanted to share with you is to really try and look at things from your sons point of view. How does it feel to be him? If he needs more friend time, maybe he can get involved in some kind of sport, academic, or other social group. Where his needs are being met, but there is not as much temptation to get into trouble. Just an idea. Sounds like you are great, caring parents and I wish you the best in finding a solution to your problem.

I would suggest having a heart to heart with him, start off by meeting with your husband and come to agreement on how to handle the situation so you are both on the same page. This will not allow your son the opportunity to be minipulative. I agree that restriction should have a time limit or a specific parameter for example an apology or action of better behavior. That will allow him to focus on a goal. You shouldnt let him off the hook just because it is spring break, however sometimes you get further with a serious conversation and a fresh start. If he slide there must be a consequence and if you say something you should mean it. These things have worked for me and I have 2 15 year olds.
Good luck!

I agree, you and your husband need to set limits ,but have a time frame,involved with the punishment! Tell your son that he is grounded from life itself until he is 21!;-) OK we have our son grounded from the internet at the moment and until we see an improvement in his grades!

WE have three children, ages, 32, 29 & 15!The first 2 are college grads! I taught grade school! I understand your frustration!I find using positive reinforcement works better than the negative,but all 3 of our children needed to know the house rules, have boundaries, and suffer consequences for negative behavior . However, nothing IMO,..is a quick fix! They are teenagers and all uniquely willing to grow,&/or push their parents buttons( as in rebel) at their own time and pace!Make sure you and your husband at least appear to be a united front!!Good Luck!

Hi J.:

I have a son that is 14 years old now and back when he was 12-13 he was getting himself into trouble at school and just all around misbehaving. I never hit, so punishments had to be things like taking away his PSP or no TV wrestlemania, things like that. My husband I tried to ground him with "end dates". All that managed to accomplish was him behaving until time was up and then it would start all over again. My daughter once told me, that he said: "its okay that I cant watch what I want, Its only for 2 weeks" No big deal! that was the attitude that we got, its no big deal, so I took away the end dates and just started punishing him and telling him, the punishment will lift when I see that you are genuinely sorry about what you did and you can explain to us why you are sorry. Not knowing when the punishment would end would just eat at him until it made him reflect on what he did wrong and he would eventually come and apologize and explain to us why he knew it was wrong. Trust me it was difficult for me too because I wanted him so much to participate in things but I would just say to him, You did this remember? We would also tell him that he had to earn back his rights to go out with friends, have a phone, play psp, watch wrestling. This all had to be earned. He is now 14 and his grades have all jumped from carrying 4 F's to having B's and C's at out last teacher conference. He still manages to get into some trouble because after all he is a teenage boy and I guess its to be expected for some kids, but if we let it go just a little he would revert back and that of course is not what we want. Inspite of all the restrictions and punishments we give him to show him responsibility, he still manages to tell us he loves us. He will text me, "Love you Mom", and that just enforces that how we are handling him is good.
Not saying that what you want to do is wrong, because of course it all depends on your son, but just take what I said into consideration and sit and talk to your husband about not just punishing with no "end date", but also to make him work for the release date. You have to make him understand what he did was unacceptable and that he has to earn his trust back with you. Hope this helps.

V. R

You are exactly right. A month for a teenager is forever and he needs to be able to socialize with friends. If he is kept away too long, they will move on and he'll be left out, which is the kiss of death for a teenager. Maybe some negotiation with him is necessary right now. Rather than just decree the law, work with him to come up with a mutually beneficial arrangement of house rules. Discipline needs to change as the stages of growth change for your child. What was right for a 10 year old is not right for a 15 year old. Rather than "enforce the rules" you need to remember that he'll be an adult in three years and you want to give him the tools to make good choices. Thus, he needs to be allowed to make choices and learn from the bad ones in the safety of a family unit.

I think your son is going to rebel if there are no set guidelines. It sounds like your husband is a bit of a "control freak" if he refuses to take into consideration what he's doing isn't working. On the other hand, your husband may feel like you're feeling sorry for him and resent you for wanting to "cave" in. Sure his friends are important to him and sure it was spring break, but directly disobeying his parents was an offense he was willing to take on. I can see all 3 sides to the situation; yours, your husbands, and your son's. There are teen group support programs, like Action, that you can try to go to. Your son will be driving soon and your husband is right in wanting to get a grip on things before they get really out of hand. If what he is doing is not working, he really should be open-minded enough to consider other alternatives. Being on the same page brings a united front. Kids need boundaries, not prisons and wardens.

Your husband sounds TOO strict --probably because he does not want your son to get in the kind of trouble he did as a young person? The age difference in the kids makes me think that your husband may not be the bio-fahter of your son? IF that is the case, YOU should be the only one involved in your son's discipline. If I am mistaken and your husband is your son's Dad, I think you are still and should call for a family meeting. Include your son, ask for his feedback, give him the space you sense he needs, with moderation. If nothing works, a few sessions of family therapy might! Good luck! A

You both have to agree on how you are going to parent. If you don't your son will know this and will feed off of that to make matters worse.

I would also suggest typing up a contract between you the parents and your son. Make it be know that when he is in trouble he will have this taken away or will no longer be able to do that for 3 weekends or whatever. All sign the contract. That way everyone knows ahead of time what the disciple will be because it was agreed upon ahead of time.

Eventually, he'll tire of having things taken away or not being able to do them. This will also lessen the stress that he is putting between you the parents. You both have an obligation to have a united front when these things happen.

I believe you both need to be on the same page with his social activities. He's only 15; not 18. To me teens are like two years but with smarts. If the punishiment is not immediate then it will be repeated again and again. Thus you lose control and respect as a parent. Please form a plan together include your son as well, and stick to it - include the punishment if the plan is broken. Once the plan is broken your son will need to re-earn his privleges. Try it for spring break, then a month, etc. School will be out before you know it and then were is the control there. May need to change the locks on the doors or set an alarm if he leaves the house without your permission. I sincerely hope he is not into something more destructive. Plus, keep in mind your younger children are absorbing his treatment. If you want a safe and secure family, I believe this needs to be addressed as a family.

Hi, I can totally relate to the problems you are facing. I have a 16 year old daughter, who thinks she knows everything and apparently I know nothing and I never understand. Sometime last year she was hanging out with a group of kids that like to go out to dance parties. These dance parties are everywhere and happen every weekend. The kids get all their information for MYSPACE. At these parties drinks and balloons are provided for a $2.00 cost I believe. They use the balloons to inhale it and get a high. This is what Noz is:
Nitrous oxide, dinitrogen oxide or dinitrogen monoxide, is a chemical compound with chemical formula N2O. Something like laughing gas. Teenagers today are so into that, also many teenagers are using other types of drugs. My daugther was also on springbreak last week and she had a over 6 kids at my house without my permission while I was at work. I got home and noticed things were moved around in my house, I looked in the trash and found bags of chips, drinks, balloons, etc in my trash. I confronted her with all this stuff and told her this is so wrong. She did apologized and she was grounded and everything was taken away from her, but at the same token I cannot isolate her because it would only tempt her to do it again. We talked in length and I told her if your friends cared about you so much, they would've not planned a so called gathering at your house. All I can do is pray for her and ask prayer for her and all the other teens. Our teens of today are exposed to so much and us as parents need to know who our kids are hanging out with. I've been a taxi to my daughter and her friends for quite some time, I drop them off and pick them up wherever they go, I talk to the parents at all times, but this one incident I have no idea where it came from, now leaving my daughter by herself makes me wonder if she would do it again. I just hope and I pray that she would not. Let's pray for all our teens - as the devil is really busy with our teens, but we serve a mighty and powerful GOD that can win this battle.

You are going to have to be sit with your husband and ask him to try it your way for a couple months since his method isn't working in regards to giving your son boundaries, clear expectations and clear consequences. As you seem to know there must be clear expectations and consequeces so your son makes the decision for himself knowing the consequences. Right now your son just thinks dad is an ahole and mom argues but isn't respected. You have to have a meeting of the minds with dad...and alone and then a family meeting with your son to lay down the law. Dad is too stern and you aren't stern enough but you don't even know how long the punishment is in effect...so you have to enforce it forever. The only way your son is going to know how to act is if there is a known cause and effect to learn from. If I stay out all night without permission I get grounded from everything for a week...that means no phone, computer, tv, etc but he has to know that ahead of time to make the right decision. At this point it's going to be hard and he is still going to defy you both but if there are set consequences for actions all the time, he will learn. Just remember being his age and how you thought and ask your husband to do the same. This is a defiant age no matter what but if you can be clear in regards to consequences it will make a world of difference.

This is the age where you have to be very careful, and smart,,,how do his friends seem? do you know them? I would keep my eyes open!! and when he's not home look through all his things...including hidden spots lol like underneath drawers, bed, mattress...in pockets of all his jackets...just to know whatever I can...I KNOW TRUST is important, but now a days children are getting corrupted at a younger age!! I dont know how your sons personality is,,,and what he does that at times gets him in trouble? or wether his friends seem decent and trust worthy??at times if you dont give them a break they will rebel...and or if they have too much freedom they might take advantage and end up doing bad stuff...you have to figure out a plan that makes sense for all of you...something fair and realistic...but always snoop through his things...if he ever is doing anything bad he will slip up and leave a trace behind one day....but never let him know you look through everything....whatever you do just be smart,,,,this is the scariest age!!!! one bad friend can cause him to do bad things!trust me!! Ive heard lots of stories...and seen lots of friends during those years be very sneaky....and or turn from good kid to ruining their lives....always be very open and talkative with him...and try to set some alone time with him as well...and fathers play a huge roll so make sure his father is close with him or starts getting closer and more attentive!
well I dont know if I have helped but good luck hun!