How Should This Teen Boy Situation Be Handled?

School punished and I hate redundancy!

Seriously, the boy knew he did something wrong and made amends. What is to be gained by another punishment? All that would teach him is doing the right thing gets you another punishment so next time he will just keep it to himself.

Seems like parents these days are so wrapped up in handing out punishments to make them look better they don't stop to consider what the punishment is teaching the child.

I just can't get past 14-year-olds on the playground....... and the fact that you are thinking that authorities should be called on a high schooler for calling somebody a name even though he was remorseful and apologized.

14 -year-olds on a playground? Lol

Sounds like the school handled it -- I think the parents should stay out of it.

I don't think much more needs to be done. The name caller showed remorse and apologized before an adult was involved. That shows maturity and an understanding that what he did/said was wrong. If you (or whoever his parent is) want to take it farther, talk about WHY the name calling was hurtful and what types of effects it can have on society if you allow that type of thinking to persist.

As for the pusher, I think a detention (same exact punishment as name caller) is in order if the push was intentional or in any way malicious. If it was an accident, then an apology is sufficient.

Neither boy needs to be punished at home, since the situation didn't escalate and they see for themselves that the behavior was wrong.

OMG! You can't be serious! Call the authorities?! For Christ's sake! Kids make mistakes and learn from them. He immediately apologized and felt remorse. Isn't that what we want? He's been adequately punished - in fact, detention and teacher involvement was over the top in my opinion. If we never allow kids to recognize their own mistakes and make amends on their own, how can we expect them to do so as adults? This is stupid.

Oh my goodness! This is getting way out of proportion. It should not have even gone to the teacher because the boy apologized. These kids are in High SCHOOL! they need to grow up. That is all. Yes, this is pretty normal
"boy stuff". No, I am not saying its ok. But, hey it is reality and life. I would tell the kid who did the name calling that he did a good job for apologizing, and maybe take away his phone or computer or something for the day or two. The one who did the pushing, needs to apologize and discuss why he did it, and how it makes people feel. He could lose something for a day or two as well.

Personally, I think calling the police for teen stuff is sad and ridiculous unless someone was really hurt or attacked. I know in the good old days this would not have even gone to the teacher.

I know that when I am really angry sometimes I will say something that I don't actually mean, I think most people do that, and as young teens they haven't learned what line to draw and what is really not ok. This is a great place to teach that concept. But, the police? absolutely not! and I think maybe the kids need to get a little bit thicker skin. But, that's just my humble opinion. I do work with middle and high school boys all the time, many of whom name calling is the least of their issues and worries.

the boys already worked it out.
authorities?
really?
@@
khairete
S.

"Should the authorities be called for racial slurring? "

Why would authorities be called? What would they do about it?

Of course not. The boy was remorseful, the school has handled it.

These are young teens, they are acting their age, which is clueless, goofy and immature.

But they are not acting like criminals. For goodness sakes this started off with the line "Two kids on a playground, both age 14."
"14" on a Playground?

Anyway, I think the one that called out the name should have to serve his detention and maybe write an apology., even though I think a heartfelt apology is enough.

And the child that was called this name needs to realize this was probably a terrible choice this other kid said this , but he is probably having a lot of regret and is very embarrassed. And this child can learn that words really do hurt and vow not to ever do the same in the future.

Do NOT blow this out of proportion. Yes it is bad, it is hurtful, but I bet it has left a very deep impression on both of these boys.

I think everything was handled appropriately. This wasn't the crime of the century. Kudos to your son for stepping up, apologizing even without being prompted, and fessing up to the teacher.

I am Asian. I have been called way worse things than "Asian" due to my ethnicity. It happens. How we choose to cope with these incidents is what forms character and wisdom.

It is not bullying, but it is racial slurring. There is no way to get around that one. If the parents are still stewing, maybe you could have your son write an apology letter to the other boy. Good luck!

Putting hands on someone? Suspension. Racial slur? Well, here in NY that would probably be a DASA violation.

Bullying is a term overused and misunderstood by parents. Bullying is not a one time thing. Not every act of unkindness is bullying. Racial slur is absolutely unacceptable, no excuses, ever. But a kid losing their temper after being provoked is not bullying. The parent of the teen on the receiving end of the slur needs to remember that their child is not the only victim - he still put his hands on another student, and this was BEFORE being called the name.

If my child put his hands on someone else, I'd probably ground him for a month. If it's something habitual, some sort of counselling would be in order. If my kid was the one who used the racial slur, after I got over wanting to die of embarrassment, there would be a formal apology letter, grounding and some sort of training or counselling. I'd take a close look at what sort of media he's being exposed to and who he is hanging out with.

That said, just so you know where I'm coming from, I AM the parent of a 14 year old boy, a HS freshman.

I suggest that if this is a first time incidence the school has handled it and parents do not need to do anything further as far as consequences go. Both parents should ask their child what happened in a calm inquiring manner. Be willing to have a calm discussion. They should reinforce the school's action while stating their own values and expectations.

I think suspending the student who used a racial slurr if this is the first time it happened is overkill. I believe Iin zero ttolerance. At the same time I expect discipline to be graduated in seriousness with the goal being teaching and not punishment. I do know that many schools have a one size fits all response.

If I disageed with the school's response I would make an appointment with the principal to discuss it.

There is not enough information to know if this response is reasonable or to suggest a different way of handling it.

btw there is no criminal law against racial slurs. Any "law" would be civil in nature. In this case it's a school rule to be enforced by the school. I'm at a loss as to what authority you woukd call. This is not an employment issue.

Labeling what the name caller said as a racial slur is thin ice to me. Maybe because of the manner he said it but certainly not the actual words he spoke. I do hope that the pusher also got detention. Both did not handle whatever the situation was well. Calling the "authorities" for name calling? One of the most ridiculous things I've heard in a long time!

I'm also struggling with 14 year olds on a playground. Our middle schools here don't even have playgrounds. A slab with a basketball hoop is about it. But even if they did have playgrounds, the tween and teens are too cool to show interest in them.

There's nothing innocent about racial slurs. Racism represents the loss of innocence since children have to be carefully taught hate.

If my kid were the name caller, I would ask him why he made a remark like that, listen to his response, and then I would reiterate that I don't want to ever hear of him making a racist comment again. But that would be all I would do, because I would know that my kid is a good kid, and he won't likely do it again. I wouldn't "punish" him. Sometimes a little shame is all that's needed.

If my kid were the Asian, I would tell him that the other kid apologized, that it's true, he IS an Asian, and there's nothing wrong with that, and to let it go, it's not really a big deal.

Both boys are in the honor society, they are probably both good kids. Boys fight sometimes.

The authorities. I don't think so really! I think if happened day school and school is handling. 14 year old boys are notorious for this kind of thing. Does not make it right. I would have a sit down with kid about behavior.

This is a parenting issue. The police don't have the time or resources to get involved in name calling among teenagers.
I mean, really, do you think they would even take your call seriously?
If a law is broken, call the cops and press charges, otherwise discipline your child yourself, however you see fit.

so the one that spoke words was punished, but the one that physically assaulted went scott free? seems like WAY too much was made of a situation that was really not a big deal... that said, if you're gonna punish one, punish the one that pushed and thus started it. seems like a quick "hey, don't put your hands on each other and watch your mouths" would have sufficed.

So for those who don't understand WHY the words the "name-caller" used were not OK (even though the 14 year old obviously does), it's because although, yes, the other boy IS Asian, the name-caller used it in a negative way implying there is something wrong with being Asian. I don't think, however, police need to be involved. Additionally, he used the F-word toward someone else which is disrespectful. I'm glad the boy and his parents realize he should have consequences.

The push from the other boy was an accident. The name-caller could have been less impulsive and bothered to find out what happened before calling names and cursing, BUT he is a teenage boy. Use this as a teachable moment. He is getting detention from school. At home I would have him do a research project that focuses on the Asian internment in the US or why words matter and the impact they can have or some other topic to get him really thinking about what he did. Education and awareness, along with critical thinking, help change behavior. Maybe helping him work on some anger management skills so that he is not so impulsive WHEN something like this happens again.

I guess I'd see what the school does. It's their job to manage these situations. Not the parents.

Parents who take the authority away from the school and teachers by micro managing these situations are doing just that. Let the school handle it unless you feel the young adult in question is being treated unfairly. If so then approach the school without the young adult knowing about it. Then if the school does change their mind it is coming from them and not "my mom won't let you do anything to me, she fixed this, if I get into trouble again she'll just fix that too".

Both should receive detention, the pusher and the name caller. And the parents should talk to them about what they did and how they could change it. Really, 14 does not know how to control their reactions to things. Not excusing it but getting angry can have any kind of reaction due to the anger.

School had it covered, punishment-wise. I think either set of parents are good with just a conversation. "What happened? What would you do differently next time? What have you learned from this?"

You are totally overthinking this one. This is very typical 14 year old boy behavior. It is going on left and right at the school, this one just happened to go public. They work through it. They learn how to act. It is helpful to have parental input about the situation just to confirm family values and expectations, but I wouldn't suggest raking either of these guys over the coals.

(my thoughts as a school counselor who works with this age group)

14 year old boys are somethin' else aren't they? The first year I worked with Jr. Higher's I was like "what is wrong with these kids, it's a like a switch get's flipped between age 13 and 14" I am used to it now.

Wow....... yes, it was stupid impulsive middle school stuff.

Yes, the school is handling it appropriately.

Has this kind of thing happened before with your son? It doesn't sound like it.

If it would make the two of you feel better, maybe if your son wrote an apology to the other student (or to his parents)? I don't know if that would really solve anything, since that would just be more words piled upon what your son already realized what a silly, dumb-&$$ thing to say.

And yes, the other parents are over-reacting.

You would call the authorities? Why? I'm not sure how I would handle it, but calling the police seems a bit much.

As for at home punishment, I don't know, maybe have him write an apology letter?

No, I don't think the police should have been called in this situation.

I think that the reason for the pushing is important here. If it was an accident, then the pusher should have apologized immediately. If it were on purpose, then obviously the pusher has some culpability here.

Your son used some REALLY derogatory terms against the pusher boy. He needs to know that his words really DO have consequences. Can you imagine if he would have said those words in a workplace situation? He would be hauled into Human Resources quickly and would be lucky to keep his job.

It sounds like he already apologized. I would ground him from something at home and talk to him about the power of his words. He is 14 and needs to learn to control his emotions. If the other parents contact you or make a bigger deal of it, you should explain that your son used some really bad judgment in the heat of the moment. Explain that you have talked to him and addressed the situation. Ask them if they have done the same with their son...

Well the racial slurs are probably heard from the parents. My oldest is 14 yr. He would never talk like that. He is not perfect but he us a kind young man.

I don't see where he used a racial slur....he called him an Asian, which is the proper term for what he is. A slur would have been one of the offensive terms to used to describe someone of Asian decent (I won't type them, but we know what they are). Should he have brought ethnicity into it at all? No. Was it rude to call the kid stupid and use the f word? Yes. Should he write a letter of apology and be grounded? Of course. But to call the authorities? Why? He didn't break any law that I know of, even if he HAD used an actual slur.