Our daughter is 16 and keeps in line with our rules but is always the first to toe the line. Despite this I have always trusted her. She has never lied to me and is a very smart kid. We let her spend the night at a friends house on Monday night. The friends parents were going out of town to a wedding and so the four girls were staying there overnight. I want to clarify that another parent lived next door and came over after dinner to check on them and then came over to see them off to school on tuesday but they were alone for about 12 hours.
Today the mom whose house it was called me to let me know there were some accusations going on about the night. Two of the other girls texted a boy a picture of them making out and holding up the middle finger and that boys mother is making a very big deal of it. One of these same girls also failed a drug test that her parents gave her. According to this girl it was my daughters pot and she forced them all to smoke. My daughter took a home drug test and passed it today though and swears there was not pot at the house that night. One of the other girls is claiming she has 'compromising' pictures of all four of them that night but is refusing to show them. If is all a huge mess of he said she said.
My husband is livid. He took her keys, phone, laptop and debit card, has decided she is never going anywhere again and is actively looking into catholic school for her. I really don't know what too think. It seems like these girls are throwing my daughter under the bus she was new to the school this year and they probably don't care about her and are just trying to save there own butt. My husband thinks she is lying to us and did 101 terrible things that night. I was hoping someone on here might have some experience or advice.
Oh my gsoh I went to Catholic school some forty years ago. Comparable to the times now we were probably just as bad. Let her live and learn and take away phone and debit card. She probably needs the laptop and her keys. And tell her to do better next time.
She tested clean for the pot..... it stays in the system quite a while, so it is very doubtful that it was hers, unless she bought it just for that overnight.
As far as Catholic school.... that isn't going to make a difference. When I was growing up, the local Catholic school had the worst reputation! (That was back in the '70's...)
Yes, the others may be throwing her under the bus... she is the new kid, and there are not as deep of alliances with her yet. She was the scapegoat....
Yes, ground her (but not so strictly that she feels she doesn't have anything to lose if she gets mad), but make it more reasonable. And... next time, no overnight without a trusted parent present.
I am so sorry you're having to deal with this. What a mess.
I think there's no way your daughter forced anyone to smoke pot. Just like there's no way anyone forced the girls who made out to do that. Things got out of hand and I'm sure there's truth to parts of what all the girls are saying. I doubt any of them are telling the whole truth.
I think your husband is reacting and once he calms down will probably make more logical decisions. I don't blame him. It's hard when your daughter is caught up in something that's embarrasing and stains her reputation.
The deal is it's your daughter's mistake. She needs to own it. There will be consequences and some of them could be pretty serious. She also needs your support more than ever. If the other girls turn on each other to divert blame and make someone seem more terrible than what they did she may lose her friends. I think I would be concentrating more on giving her the responsibility to make things right. I think the parents of the house where it took place deserve an apology (even though I think they're nuts for thinking it would be ok to leave 4 teenage girls while they go out of town).
You state that she is smart and hasn't lied to you. I would let her know how disappointed you are in her decisions and that she'll be responsible for earning back your trust. I would also make sure she knows she's not the first person to make irresponsible choices and she will survive. How she handles it from here will speak a lot of her character.
Part of growing in wisdom is making mistakes. It's just part of it. I'm sure your husband made his share of mistakes as a teenager.
Blessings!
L.
SO I guess you and your husband never did anything stupid when you were her age?
What she did was stupid. She will learn from stupid mistakes like this and sometimes the consequence will be harsh.
HOWEVER, I do not feel like she should also be thrown under the bus by her parents for making a stupid mistake.
Yes, take the phone and have some sort of consequence but gees... your hubby's ideas are a bit harsh. I have a hard time believe he was such an angel and a perfect child as he was growing up.
Help her learn from her mistakes.
This is your first question.
That alone screams "troll" to many of the members here.
As do "odd" details like wedding on a Monday, she "forced them to smoke pot", parents of kids with shelves stocked with drug tests...hmmmm
Couple thoughts:
Your daughter passed her drug test and says no pot was there.
Does she have compromising pictures of them? If not, I'd say theyre the liars and she needs new friends.
At any rate it was a really stupid idea to leave 4 teens alone like that. And stupid to agree to it. Sorry--my opinion.
I'm with Julie here. Four 16 year old girls alone overnight in a house on a school night?
If this really happened... who's brilliant idea was it? Because.... wow. Can you say, "set your kid up to fail" or maybe, "let's see you figure out how to navigate every possible thing that could go wrong on one night"?
Geez.
Why didn't you or another parent offer to have these girls at your house instead of leaving them alone for the night? Seems weird.
Also, your first couple of sentences make no sense. What do you think "toe the line" means?
I had a teenager who "never" lied to me and was smart and trustworthy. She's now 26 and has told me some of the things she did while she was in high school.... almost right under my nose. Don't trust teenagers.
I'm sure this will all blow over, but your daughter needs to be more closely monitored in the future, no matter what friends she is with.
There is no reason to have a sleepover on a school night, especially when the parents aren't going to be home. It's common sense, really. Nothing but trouble could come of that.
You and your husband should dial it back and think this over after you've slept on it for a night or two. Start keeping better tabs on your daughter and do random, frequent drug tests. If she comes up negative, and you're not finding any pot in her room or purse, then lighten up a little.
Not sure Catholic school is going to make a difference. My best friend in high school went to a Catholic school. She got into more trouble than anyone I knew ;)
what a shame that ALL the parents' trust has been so badly abused.
:(
on the surface of this post it sounds very much as if your daughter is being made the scapegoat. the most obvious explanation is that at least 2 of these girls made some terrible choices, and 1 of them has been smoking weed, and your daughter is a convenient place to pin the blame. if pictures of your daughter doing something wrong haven't actually surfaced (i give no credence if the girl won't produce them) and your daughter has tested clean, she's at least likely to be blameless in the photo frolic and smoke-in.
not an open and shut case, of course. but if she's generally a good girl, her word seems to be borne out here.
however, she had to be aware of the making out and inappropriate behavior. what does she say about that?
at 16 many girls might think it's fine to shrug and let the other girls skeeve out. she's not participating, so it's not her bag. but this very scenario shows clearly why the conversation needs to be 'if you're in a situation where others are demonstrating questionable judgment, you need to call us pronto and we'll get you out of there.'
your husband's response seems way over the top IF your daughter has given you no reason to question her integrity. her judgment is at fault, but she's 16 and needs to be guided and encouraged, not bitchslapped.
but if indeed your husband's instincts have some basis, some deeper consequences need to occur.
the red flag for me is how very disparate your reactions are. you back your girl 100%, your husband seems convinced that she's guilty.
i hope you get it sorted out, mama. regardless of the degree of your daughter's culpability, i do think a pretty severe time-out of driving, internet and fun in general is called for.
catholic school seems a bit over the top. that ought to be a religious thing, not a punishment thing, no?
khairete
S.
She tested clean, so you know they are at least lying about the pot being hers. I would trust her and support her unless you see proof because so far the proof you do have shows that they are the ones lying. Let this other mom know that you drug tested your child and she passed with flying colors, maybe that will at least let the other parents know that their kids are not being completely honest. As for the issue with the boys parents, that is between the 3 families (his and the two girls in the photo), and is none of your business.
I would trust my daughter. But I doubt I would let her have a 4 girl, parent-free sleepover on a school night, especially a Monday.
Hmm, your daughter passed a drug test, the other girl failed it, and your daughter FORCED these girls to smoke pot? What a lot of b.s.
I would tell my daughter that apparently it was time to find new friends, because these girls are backstabbing, lying bitches, and I would also tell her that hopefully she wasn't foolish enough to take incriminating photos of herself.
And then I would trust her. So far, it sounds like your daughter has done nothing wrong, other than choose some pretty self-centered friends, and your husband is treating her like a criminal.
It IS possible for a 16 year old girl to abstain from poor behavior while her friends are engaging in it. I know because my daughter always managed to abstain from her friends' poor behavior. Your daughter is not at fault for what her friends did.
Trust her. It goes a long way. And reading other responses: why should she be grounded? She hasn't done anything that you know of.
I don't understand your post. "Toe the line" means she follows rules.
Maybe they're throwing her under the bus. Or maybe she really is guilty. I don't know why the adults thought this was a good idea!
If there was pot there at all, it doesn't matter where it came from - she'd be grounded in my house. And while that may seem harsh, she should have called you to come home or at least told you about it the minute she was through the door. Her hiding it from you, whether or not she participated, was dishonest. And she'd be done with these friends, no matter what - either because of how they treat her or because either she truly is a bad influence or they are. No one can force drug use - they chose to use it and she chose to stick around, whether or not she indulged. No matter how you want to defend her, she made bad choices. But the bad choices really started with the adults, who should have known better!
PS - eta on the whole catholic school thing. I'm sorry, but my child will never go to a catholic school - for many reasons, but most of all because the parents are delusional - my first roommate in college had a constant nosebleed from all the coke she snorted, and my boyfriend, who roomed with her boyfriend, would often return to his room to find them passed out mid-coitus to a room reeking of pot. She went to one of the most prominent, upscale, white glove, all girl Catholic high schools in Philadelphia and turned out to be one of the biggest wastes of a human I've ever known. Parents look to Catholic schools when it's already too late - those morals should have been instilled from the start. Don't expect those kids to be more upstanding than her current friends.
You say she is the "first to toe the line", yet you gave her permission to be in a situation where there are so many lines to cross. I think you need to talk with your daughter and tell her that you're partially responsible for what happened. If my daughter were 16, and the "first to toe the line", I would never let her be in a situation where she's in a stranger's house, overnight, unsupervised, with relatively new friends.
Catholic school, unless it's a boarding school with 100% supervised time, is not the answer here. Communication is. You and your husband and daughter need to talk, and you need to tell her that for the next year, unsupervised overnights are off the table. For the next 2 weeks, certain privileges are restricted, like driving to the mall or movies.
All the parents and all the girls share responsibility, in my opinion. No one should let such young girls have a house to themselves, with no accountability.
ETA: I have often told my kids that although I may trust them, some situations are off limits, simply because I don't know the other kids. My son has often told me "mom, I'm a good driver", to which I answer "yes, but the road is filled with other drivers, many of whom are complete idiots". So, perhaps your daughter is completely innocent.. And perhaps you know that she did not indulge in pot-smoking, or inappropriate texting. However, you put her in a position where there are other girls present, whom you probably don't know very well. So it's important to communicate to your daughter that there may be social situations that come up that you'll say no to, not because you don't trust her, but because it might put her in a situation where she may encounter questionable decisions on the part of other people, or potentially dangerous situations. If this same scenario had occurred, except that instead of 3 friends at a house, it was your daughter and her three cousins at your sister's house, where you know and trust the cousins and your sister, then this whole situation would have probably ended up with a bunch of girls tired from talking all night and watching movies and it all would have been fun. Just because we trust our kids doesn't mean we let them go anywhere with anyone. Maybe you don't need to completely ground your daughter, but for awhile, perhaps you just need to be more careful about her social calendar.
She is 16. It seems awfully normal for them to behave that way if they are left to their own devices. I wouldn't allow my son to stay somewhere overnight, on a school night, at a house with no adult. It doesn't matter if their neighbor checks on them. They are underage and this whole thing is a case irresponsibility . Both in their side, and you and the other parents. What did you think would happen? Pot or no pot, pics or no pics, it's a huge mess.
I would trust my kid if they told me the truth. I also find it odd how the other parents and yourself have in home drug tests just laying around. I guess you just needed to know if she was telling the truth. She passed. Which is a HUGE indicator that she is ing the truth. Pot stays in the system for at least 48-72 hours after smoking it.
Catholic school? Really? I went to a Christian private school, and let me tell you. They are worse then public schools. Total rebellion.
I would sit down and have a heart to heart with my kid. Is also have a heart to heart with your husband. All made bad choices. If she is a good kid, I wouldnt punish her so harshly. I'd have her decide what the best way to deal with this situation as a family, and go from there.
I would assume your daughter is lying to cover her butt and safe face with you, her parents, and assume that all of the girls participated equally in the night's poor choices and discipline her accordingly.
The thing is in my house (I have a 17 year old daughter and 16 year old son) it wouldn't matter if my kids were perfect angels that night if they were there, and they didn't leave the scene once things started to go wrong, they would be considered just as culpable as if they actively participated. In my house, there is no difference. You don't get any points for saying "I just watched my friends get high and start sexting, really I didn't do anything." Um...no.
When my son lied about sleeping at a friend's house and was really in a house with no parents, his girlfriend, and another couple for the night last spring, I grounded him for 6 months. From May - November he had no phone, computer, iPad, and wasn't allowed to have friends over or go anywhere. All summer he pretty much worked, baby-sat for me, did chores, and played guitar at home. Oh and he also had to attend counseling sessions.
Your husband is having a knee-jerk reaction. I think his restrictions right now are fine and appropriate, but they need to have an end date and switching schools is pretty drastic. Figure out how long the restrictions really need to be in place for them to really stick for her...a month? Three? Six? Six months earned me the "crazy mom" reputation among my son's friends but you know what? He doesn't mess with me anymore, and his friends know that we he say "no way I'm not doing that remember what happened last time" they know it's no joke.
Finally...now you know that this was an incredibly stupid thing for you to agree to, right? And you now know that you will never, ever allow one of your children to spend the night unsupervised at someone's house? Honestly you're lucky that something worse didn't happen and that they didn't invite boys over, etc. Live and learn.
It's a sucky thing to go through, but if this is the worst crisis of your child's teen years, you're pretty lucky. I was beyond enraged and upset last spring but we laid out the punishment, he took it, and it's over. You have to be able to forgive her and move on. And when she starts to earn back your trust, your rule has to be trust, but verify. And no overnights without parents, ever.
I agree, perhaps she being thrown under the bus or maybe these other girls are a bad influence. In either case, if I were your daughter,I'd be done with these girls and I go and find myself some new friends. And perhaps, she could also use a wee bit more monitoring -- I would not let a 16 yearold sleep over without a parent at home -- i'm sorry, maybe that's just me
As far as the whole Catholic school thing goes, don't fool yourself. Having attended one for awhile and worked at one also (that job lasted a month for a reason vs 6 years at a public school), it's worse IMO. As a result I refuse to let mine go to a Catholic school.
Hope everything gets better.
Why on God's green earth would you let a 16 year sleep over on a school night at a home without parents supervision? That is straight up bad idea. That was a bad parent decision on your part.
Why would you have a drug test just laying around the house? Seems like there might be an issue there.
I'm not sure about all of this but my kid would still be in trouble for not getting the hell out of there when things went bad. We always had a rule that if they were somewhere and didn't feel safe or didn't like what was going on, they would call and we would get them no questions asked. Did this with our son once.
Look, your husband is overreacting BUT I think all three of you need to sit down and have a conversation about what happened. If she passed her drug test, then I would believe some of what she is saying.
Bad decisions were made that night by all the girls.
If she tested clean they are probably telling half truths. I imagine they did the making out part but in fun to tease the guy. Girls do that sort of stuff and it doesn't mean anything serious.
I think all 4 sets of parents need to get together and bring the girls and take their phones and look at what they have pictures of. Please know you might see things you don't want to see.
Girls this age should have been able to manage this night out. It's also normal they make mistakes. This is the time for them to branch out trying adult things with the safety net of still having support from mom and dad.
I think once you have the full story and everything is out in the open you'll have a better picture of what really happened.
By the way, I'd never let the kids go spend the night with people I didn't know and with other kids that I didn't know their parents either.
I feel most sorry for the poor kid whose mom is upset about the pictures he received of the girls kissing. Now no girl will ever send him photos like that again!!!
Sounds like what every kid does at 16 - except today everyone is taking pictures of everything.
Not sure about the pot smoking but you kid is clean - that other woman's kid isn't. Kids cover for each other and toss each other under the bus - that's what kids do - adults, too!!
Only you can trust and believe your daughter (or not). And your hubby needs to calm down and instead of making idol threats and taking her stuff away - he needs to parent and communicate. It's hard, but you guys need to get on the same page and talk it out.
