12 Year Old Son Caught with Remains of Cigarettes

I had a friend in high school who's dad caught her smoking. He bought her a pack of cigarettes and made her smoke every one of them until she puked. She never wanted another cigarette again..............

Your son may just have saved your life.

To begin with, you should know that I am extremely anti-smoking. My mother smoked for 20 years, quit cold turkey, and still died of lung cancer 20 years after quitting. As a kid I was disgusted with her habit (car rides were the worst); as a result I never smoked. At the age of 31, I literally watched my mother take her last breath as the cancer robbed her of her life due to her decision to smoke. My advice might be harsh, but it's only fair you know my perspective.

#1. He's lying to you about the smoking. Do not fall for it. If you do, you're gullible and your son will pick up on that. You've now had more than one incident with him where you've found physical evidence and lies. His privacy is no longer a privilege. He has broken a trust with you, and now you have every right to go through his clothes, his dresser drawers, his backpack, his anything. Smell his breath, smell his clothes, ask him questions. Be a pain in the butt about it. It's not about being his friend; it's about being his mother. Do it and do it often. Sit down with his dad and the two of you need to get on the same page.

#2. You mentioned a 'no sports' suspension for being caught smoking. How on earth does he ever think he will be effective as an athlete while smoking? Smoking interferes with the blood's ability to bind with oxygen - pretty important for cardiovascular activity, which is a part of almost every sport. There's also the social consequence of getting in trouble for it - how can he be a good teammate and accountable if he is jeopardizing the team's cohesion by making such a selfish decision that could sideline him? Furthermore, if he gets busted, it's likely that everyone will know about it - is he ready for that sort of spotlight?

#3. With your son's father, create a list of consequences for when he gets caught smoking, with smoking material, or you find smoking material in his room or belongings. Write it down and make it clear. "If we find _______, you will lose/not be allowed to/will have to do _____". Tell him it does not matter if the smoking material belongs to "his friends". Responsible friends don't enable bad habits and possession is 9/10ths of the law. That excuse will not work anymore - if he has it, you will think it is his.

#4. I think the time has come where you and his dad can no longer tell your son "do as I say, not as I do". He knows you smoke, yet he may not see any consequence. Mom and dad seem healthy, mom and dad aren't getting in trouble, their smoking isn't interfering with their life. If you continue to smoke, you continue to model the behavior that smoking is acceptable.

J.,

I am 39 (40 in March) I started smoking when I was 12yrs and not just playing with them, I mean full on smoking. I smoked for 19 yrs, quit cold turkey for 3 yrs and started back that was 6yrs ago. DUMB-BUTT ATTACK)
I HATE everything about it and if I could reach it would put my own foot in my butt for going back! I try about every 2-3 weeks to quit again but just cannot seem to get there.
I wish to God that my mother would have SLAMMED DOWN THE MAMA LAW when she caught me when I was young... I was grounded and lost things but I do not think that she really ever put her foot down to ensure that I was not doing it, but then again, she was raising 3 children alone and had to work nights so she was not really around.
Look into taking him to lung patient meeting, gatherings, etc. I do not know her, but there is a girl in Fort Wayne that is 27 yrs old and is dying of ling cancer from smoking. No one should have to die that young, but 27 yrs old is just way to young to die from smoking. See if there are any videos etc that you can watch with him with cancer patients and the effects of smoking. I think that really pushing the UGLY of smoking will have better lasting effect than taking a TV away or grounded him.
Good Luck and although I too struggle with quit, I know that I will and you can too. Maybe include him as much as possible in your journey to quit and show just how hard it really is,

J.,
My Mom smoked and I know that was why I started. By smoking, you are sending him the message that it is an okay thing to do - regardless of what you verbally tell him. Your actions speak WAY louder than any words.

Quitting smoking was the hardest thing I have ever done. I still think about how satisfying it would be to have a cigarette - but each day that passes I become more and more proud of myself for resisting the urge. There are a lot of new therapies out there that can help ease the transition if you don't feel you can do it on your own.

I absolutely believe you should punish him, and taking the door off of his room would be a good start. Once you lie, you loose your privacy. And he is lying to you. But don't forget to be compassionate - try to remember what it was like to be his age. He is trying to fit in with his friends, he is exploring his limits, and he is trying to figure out what he can get away with. Have heart-to-heart conversations about why you are punishing him and stress the trust issue.

Best of luck,
T.

You got lots of good advice and don't need more on smoking from me, but I notice you are stressed out and frazzled. You have got to get a grip, dear! Your hair is falling out and you have skin issues because of this? Sorry, not worth it. If he was dying of leukemia, quadriplegic after a car accident, or comatose after a drug overdose, it might make sense. So far he still has his senses and his health. Don't let this ruin yours! Compared to some parents your life is a cakewalk. Now calm down and get going, both on him and on yourself!

Dear J.,
QUIT smoking and give your sons some good example.
They need it.

Take his 12 year old butt to the nearest nursing home. Take a walk around at the oxygen tanks. Let him see these poor people struggle to take a breath. Drowning in front of everyone. I would make him volunteer one day a week for a month. Hit him hard with reality now. Also, both of my parents smoke and NONE of my six siblings smoke. We have all tried it, but I do not like how it made my lungs feel the next day so it never stuck. Good luck and keep yelling and making life difficult for him. This is all you can do!

Maybe you should stop blaming others and look at yourselves. Parents lead by example. My husband and I both quit smoking (since August 2007). Sorry to say, the only reason we quit was the fact that my husband had a heart attack at the age of 41. He quit cold turkey! I quit to support him, needless to say this incident changed our lives, my girls (ages 14 and 7) begged us to stop, they didn't want to lose their parents. I thought long and hard and decided that I should quit because I was not a good example for her. Sit down and have a heart to heart with your son, for that matter, all of your children and husband too. Make an effort for all of you to quit smoking yourself. How can you blame your kids for smoking when they see the parents doing it everyday!! Be a role model. Your smoking habit only exacerbates the situation. Who cares where the cigs came from, who started first, etc., the fact is you don't want your son to have this nasty habit. All kids go through this, it could be worse, he could be drinking and on drugs too! Pay attention to what your kids say and why they feel the need to smoke. Take a long, hard look at this situation and take charge!! Make a commitment to stop for your sake and the sake of your family's health!! It's that simple! Good luck :)

HI J.,

First of all, it sounds like you really are frazzled! Not the best place to be if you'd like to do some planning. So, I read that you're angry? scared? worried? or a combination of all three?

Clearly, you don't want your son to use tobacco...while you continue to do so yourself? that sort of sends a confused message to your kid. Plus your husband, or is it ex husband, uses tobacco too???

Sort of "Do as I say, not as I do???"

Beyond that, the bottom line here is this: Is your son following the rules of the house or not? And if he is not, what are the specific consequences for not following the rules? Not made up on the spot consequences, but fair rules thought out beforehand, or at worst, fair thought out rules made not in the heat of anger, but consequences which in themselves will not cause additional distress to your son and yourself.

Finally, can you really enforce these consequences? If you can't enforce what he does in his room in your own house, I'd look very carefully at the consequences you'd like to impose but then can't really enforce totally.

And the consequences can't be sadistic and over the top either.

And, as you know from your own experience, yelling and being aversive will only get your son to be defensive, to clam up, or to counter attack, worsening the whole situation.

Remember the best you can ever do is to suggest what is the best, control your own home the best that you can, and hope for the best, knowing that if you and your son are not on the same page emotionally and objectively, the probability of your exerting control over him decreases.

R. Katz, Psy.D.
www.richardkatz.org
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Hey J.,
Sorry for what you are going through. I have two boys and I pray that they never smoke or worse. But on the flip side as parents we have to set the example and practice what we preach. Yes, I know your an adult and so is the boys father, so there is a difference when your 12 yr. old is smoking. And here is the difference- as adults you know that smoking is not healthy, in fact smoking is deadly- already been proven!
So why are you both smoking and why do you think that a 12 yr. old is going to listen to parents that smoke. "Smoking is bad but I smoke" are you seriously thinking that he will respond to that? Would you? He may respond to facts- Smoking kills. how? give him the facts. As your parents we love you. We want you to be a healthy, happy person. And with that said- We are no longer smoking. Toss the cigs. out! This may be the rude awaking you all need to get rid of a horrible habit. Learn from this and correct it, be healthy and just stop smoking.

It's very hard to tell your children not to smoke, when the parents do.
My parents smoked, therefore I smoked on & off for years. Now, I literally get ill when I smell one, let alone take a puff.
I also get bronchitis & pnuemonia almost every year and I can feel it in my lungs and wish that I had never smoked.
It's very hard to talk to young people about this kind of stuff. They'll usually do what they want to anyways.
I have heard about one parent making their child smoke a whole pack of cigarettes or cigars in front of them until they turned green!!
Maybe if you quit, then he'll be more apt to not do it either out of respect for you. Who knows!!

Hello J.,
Yes, raising three is many handfuls. Two boys are challenging, to say the least. I raised two myself. I'll cut to the chase.....right away. You and his dad both smoke. You don't say, but it sounds, from your letter, that you've smoked a long time or at least all their lives. We can ask our children to do what we say and not what we do, but is that always realistic. I strongly recommend that first, your husband agrees to smoke outside. The second hand smoke has been proven to be as harmful and more so than first hand smoke. You've read all the info. Second hand smoke is unfiltered. Your sons are not making you gray and old. They are doing what they see and what they've been taught. Sit down with their dad; and you and he FIRST agree to never smoke inside. Then agree to talk to both sons about the ill affects of smoking, with photos of lungs, and everything you can find. Tell them that you both may be killing yourselves because you smoke and you don't want them to do the same. Tell them you wish you'd never started, because it's so hard to stop. Tell them you're sorry they have been exposed to such a bad, unhealthy habit. Then, if you can find it within yourself....QUIT. Show them what you are willing to do for them, for yourselves and for their future. If you are unwillingly to commit to what you want him to do, then accept that he will continue to smoke. Make rules that he never smoke in the house. When his friends come over, tell them that they can never smoke in your house. Tell your son that if he smokes, he will lose privileges. I suggest you do not take sports away from him, because as a smoker he needs the exercise. I believe your battle will be easier when you show by example. He is not making you gray and old. The contradictions in your life of your actions versus what you are expecting of your sons are what causes the stress and premature aging. I wish you the best and pray that you find the strength to be healthy and a positive example for your children and yourself. My husband smoked and our sons tried the same. My husband quit. My sons have quit.

I hate to say this but the biggest factor here is that you and his father both smoke!

We have to be examples for our kids. I know that is easier said than done; my Dad smoked for years, even after a heart attack and bipass surgery, and it finally killed him at age 67. He tried to quit, even stopped for a year after his heart attack, but couldn't. Somehow none of us (myself and 3 siblings) have ever smoked, but studies show that kids whose parents smoke are much more likely to do so themselves than if their parents do not.

That said, what you have done so far seems appropriate; maybe some pictures of lungs of smokers??

Good luck!

knowing everything we do about smoking- why do we continue? my sister is 44 and has been smoking since she was 12- her children smoke as well. I too used to smoke- just outside. One night kissing my son goodnight he told me I smell like grandma. (Smoke) I hated it. I then also had to have a lump in my neck removed and that was it for me. Smoke free 2 years now. I would use this as a learning experience. Hopefully to bring you closer to your son and quit together. When I would catch my 19 year old in something I would have her write me a report. Good luck.

It sounds like your doing almost all the right things.exsept ont. I use to be a smoker until my oldest daughter was caught smoking. So I quite smoking what was I showing my children. How could I say don't do it if I was doing it. Also you can't blam anyone but your chils there the one that has to say no. I've been smole free for 8 years know and my Daughter followed my step. I hope this will help you. Good luck.
G. W.

You already know that you and your ex need to quit smoking because you lead by example. My husband and I had smoking parents, which obviously made it more likely for us and our siblings to smoke also (and we all did start smoking). My husband and I both quit (our siblings have not), so we're hoping that it will make it less likely that our kids will start. Believe me, we KNOW how hard it is to quit--there were some really rough months when every little thing would cause us to bite someone's head off--but the benefits of a smoke-free life far outweigh the difficulties. Not to mention, you'll be around longer for your kids--and will see your grandkids!

As far as what to do about your son... you're right- there's not much else you can take away from him that will make him see the light. Try showing him what a smoker's lung looks like (I'm sure you can find pictures on the internet). Too bad the museum doesn't still have the Body Worlds exhibit--most of the cadavers from that exhibit died because of complications from smoking. What worked for my friend was the good old-fashioned remedy of making him smoke the whole pack until he vomits.

Unfortunately, all kids lie to their parents at one point or another. But like you did, you have to do things you don't want to,like searching his room... and just keep up on what he's doing and who his friends are--even if you have to snoop. You will, of course, be met with a lot of anger for invading his privacy; however, make it clear that you are his parent and that there are rules in your house... and telling you the truth is the number one rule. He has now broken that rule repeatedly, so he has lost his priviledge of privacy and you absolutely have the right to go through his things. Make life difficult for him and explain that this is the consequence of doing something you won't tolerate and lying to you about it.

Obviously, it's also important for your ex to be on the same page... so meet with him and discuss how you're going to handle this. It's going to take some time to formulate your plan, write down the rules and consequences, start enforcing them and quit smoking, but it CAN be done.

It's not easy being a parent sometimes... Good luck with him and quitting smoking!

Hi J. -

It's great you're taking a stand and talking with his friends. I have 3 thoughts.

1. There must be some website or organization that can help with this. I googled "how to stop kids from smoking" and came up with a bunch of stuff.

2. Talk with his pediatrician. Maybe the dr. can talk to him. Maybe they can have him view an actual body/cadaver of someone that died from lung cancer.

3. You're not going to like this... your son may not listen at all to you and your ex while you both are still smoking. If you want him to take you both seriously about the dangers of smoking, you need to quit.

Good luck.

The first thing you need to do is quit smoking yourself. Children mimic their parents. It's like a monkey see monkey do kind of thing. You can't expect hom to take you seriously if you do the very same thing you are trying to get him not to do. Think of how you would respond. Human behavior is a funny thing. People don't like to be told what to do. I smoked for 25 years and have been smoke free since 1987and I don't regret it a minute.

D. S.

Well...I'm sure I won't be the first one to tell you this, but you certainly can't get angry at your son for experiementing with cigarettes and smoking if you and your ex-husband smoke. You need to quit and maybe your son will learn to make better choices.
It can't be easy being a single mom of 3 children and I'm sure the cigarettes help you in some way...you should try chantix or something else that may help you to quit!!!
Good Luck

This is a tought situation you're in because he's at an age where defiance is "fun". Your son is smoking - in TWO different locations you and your ex have found the remains of cigarettes. Yes his friends might be doing but he's right there with them. School should not be the only place where there are consequences for getting caught - take the same things away from him. If he's caught, as he has been, then no sports! Confront him, with your ex present if possible, and let him know this is not accpetable and that it won't be tolerated. My dad used to tell me that being a parent isn't about winning a popularity contest. With three of my own now, his words echo in the back of mind all the time.

I know everyone has stated that the example also starts with you and your ex. I also know that quitting smoking is easier said than done, especially if you're a life long smoker. My husband (age 42) had been smoking since his teenage years until June 18, 2007 - that's the day an ambulance took him to the emergency room because he was in heart failure. He's had angioplasty and is on a cocktail of medications that are too long to list. It's 7 months later and we're still trying to save his heart/life - his options are to install a defibrillator (for life) or go on a heart transplant list.

Don't quit smoking for your son, quit for yourself.

You should try to quit together. Make him part of it, let him have the power to bust you when you cheat too, that way he'll know how hard it is to quit and hopefully not go back to it. See if your ex will do this too. Smoking sucks. I had my first cig at 12, with a friend who's mom smoked, and was a full fledged smoker by 15 and didn't quit till 35. It's been 2 years now and I feel way better ( you wouldn't believe the difference...I can smell things now! ) but it's hard...I still crave them, but I just ignore it now and it goes away. Good Luck, getting him to stop will be one of the best things you can do for him and you.

What about taking him to smeone that has lung cancer so he can see what can happen to him if he smokes? I would want to figure out why he is having an issue with being hnest with you. What if he came forward and said to you yes, I tried it" What would you do? Take everything away? So in the end if he lies or comes forward I have a feeling you would be doing the exact smae thing. Im not saying to be his friend at all. I am saying that you may have an issue in your lines of communication with him. I have a step son that has an incredible line of communication with his Dad, Mom, step D & M. We work hard with him on keeping that line open and he's in high school. He's popular and has a girlfirned. I am sure we dont have all of the info but we get a lot. He does get into trouble but we have found that sitting and talking to him he opens up communicates and we go from there.

I would sit down with him and his Dad and talk. Soon he will be in HS and you cant afford to not have a conversation then. One last thing, since our guy has gotten incredibly social his grades slipped a little in the beginning of the year. We talked to his coach and explained that he was not allowed to play soccer in his game that weekend. We would talk with his teacher on Monday and go from there. He got his grade up very fast and played in the next game. If your son is in sports you can explain to the coach that he can sit with the team but he can't dress or play. We also manage his time on the computer by telling him he can be on it for as long as he studies.

Hi J.,
I know this is hard, my boys are now 27 and 28 years old, and I have been through this. Trust me when I tell you that this is a blessing that you have found out about this at its beginning! It is hard to convince your children about the evils of smoking when both of their parents smoke (I am sorry to say). But...adults are allowed things that children aren't! Each child is different and you know best what would work with yours. First of all, you know he is involved with cigarettes. #1 - it is illegal, #2 - it is unhealthy, #3 - it is unhealthy for the people around him, #4 - cigarette smoking is not "cool" anymore! What impressed my when I was smoking was seeing a healthy lung versus a cigarette smokers lung, it is absolutely frightening! That might scare him enough to make him give up the idea. I remember my boyfriend telling me he didn't want to kiss me since my mouth smelled like an ashtray! Maybe the girl angle would work. I would try everything I could think of until something would work. Punishing like you have is a great start but he may continue by just being more sneaky. Also, he is responsible for his own decisions remember the old "if your friend jumped off a cliff, would you follow?" He will be tempted many more times in his life and he must have strength of character to say NO to anything dangerous or harmful. Be strong MOM you know best. Good luck! J.

Make it clear to your son what the consequences are and then enforce them. You can't keep him from smoking when you're not around, but you can maintain rules about smoking / bringing cigarettes into the house. I have found from experience that banning your kids from certain friends just doesn't work. In fact, it makes them more attractive / exciting.

Good luck,
H.

I just wanted to suggest Chantix if you are looking to quit in an effort to get your son to not smoke. You need to get it as a Rx from your doctor. My mom used it last February and quit in two weeks. (She has been smoke free since) She said you have to "want" to quit, but I think as an example to your son you may feel this way.
Good luck with your son!

J., J. -- first of all, breathe. Calm down. You didn't find grass or drugs. All kids have to try it -- it makes them feel grown up. Ok, now show him what smoking does to a person's health -- via e-mail or material from your local library. You smoke and his father smokes -- hummmmmmm, he was probably born with nicotene in his blood. Why don't you and "dad" give up smoking -- make your home a healthy place. How 'bout some family time discussing some healthy habits -- like walking, playing games, tossing a ball around the yard. Get out there and play with your kids -- keep 'em busy and involved in healthy activities and they won't have time for the unhealthy stuff. Um, and that goes for you and Dad too. You've got to live long enough to enjoy your children and maybe someday, grandchildren. Been there, done that!!!

As for the acne -- drink more water, toss out the cigarettes and get some exercise. Oh, and don't forget to breathe.

It is hard to teach a child to not do something he sees both his parents do. Can you both quit smoking? Since smoking is so psychologically appealing, I quit by imagining that every time I took a drag, I was licking an ashtray and imagined the dirt going into my lungs.

Good Luck

First, do not believe him when he says that only his friends are smoking. Even if that's true now, it will change. I said the same thing to my parents when they asked why my car smelled like cigarrette smoke when I was in high school. Oh, my friends were smoking, but not me! Second, remember that he is a child and he needs his boundaries and limits set for him, even if he acts like he's grown up. Third, I think if you were to quit that would send a strong message to him. But, if you can't, express to him how much you wish you could. Maybe you feel helpless with your addiction. He might need to see you express that to understand the problems that this causes. Maybe a visit with someone with emphysema might be appropriate. These measure sound extreme to my own ears, but I think it is really important. I used to smoke, too, and I just feel like my quality of life has improved since I quit, and I wonder if it would have been a little better all those other years if I had never started.

Hi J., What a tough situation you are in! My only comment is that you need to consider that your son is actually addicted to cigarettes - not just experimenting. You may need to provide him with the support that all people who try to quit need. Obviously open communication will be needed as well. If you haven't already thought about it, I would share some of the posts you have received to your question with him. It might help start the conversation. Best of luck to you.

It sounds to me me like it's time for you to quit. I know it may be hard, but that is the example that you are setting for your children. If mommy can do it, why can't I? But only 12? Wow! Has there been anything going on lately where this would be a cry for some attention? Just talk to him. . .set some time aside, just you and him where you have INTERRUPTED time alone and really sit down and talk to him about the dangers of smoking (and drinking and other drugs for that matter). And see where it goes from there. By doing this it'll show that you really are concerned and therefore care (which we all know that you do). I would hate to say that he's probably tried the whole smoking thing - but if there's 2 separate people and 2 separate incidents saying that he's done it. . .I don't know. It's his word against theres. Be upfront and honest with him AND set the ground rules for "if this happens again". Just maybe this will be the time for you to quit and show your family that it's not healthy and that you're a strong woman who can confront the addiction and kick the habit. Good luck to you!

I used to smoke but quit. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I did it cold-turkey but my husband used Zyban. There is something even newer with the drug route. Make yourself an example of how hard it is to quit once you are hooked. Also come down on your son hard. Make smoking something he will associate with hard times. You sound like you are trying to do the right thing, but we all know it is easier for us to tell you how to do things when we are not there, so rely on your own good judgement also. Good luck.