Smoking in Home with Children

Please don't take this as preachy, I am a nursing student and just want to share information. Smoking in the home is harmful to your children whether it is in the same room or not. Secondhand smoke has been found to be more harmful than smoking itself. 3400 death from lung cancer a year are attributed solely to exposure from second hand smoke, and 6000 deaths of children a year are linked to parental smoking. Toxins from cigarette smoke are absorbed in the hair, skin, clothes, fabrics on furnishings, etc., so even if you don't smoke around the children they are exposed to the chemicals. My best advice is to encourage a family "kick the butt" competition. Your doctor can recommend cessation products or you can go to the drug store and talk to a pharmacist. Stopping now will improve everyone's health. My mom stopped smoking after 46 years of doing it using Nicorette. Hope this helps, good luck.

You had a deal, and your mother broke it. Do what you said you would do---really do it---get a new sitter. What does your mom love more, her grandkids or her smokes? See if she changes her tune after you get a new sitter for awhile. Whether she does or doesn't, your kids' health will be better. Your mom is just trying to guilt you into doing things her way. Don't play the game.

I hate to tell you this, but the smoke that is lingering on your clothes and in your hair is almost as bad. Look it up and you will see that it is true. Your parents and family are not disrespecting your children anymore than you are. The only way that I could see fit that you would have a leg to stand on in telling them not to smoke around your children is for you and your husband to quite yourselves. I am not trying to be mean in saying this, but I am sure that is what your parents are thinking. And you are not setting the best example for your children when you are a smoker and confusing them (or perhaps later on when they get older) by telling the grandparents not to smoke around them when the two of you smoke. You are exposing them to smoke as well. I would make sure that you think long and hard before saying anything further to them because I am sure that you do not want to have a divided conflict for the rest of your life and your children's lives with their grandparents. Make sure that you know all of the facts associated with exposure to smoke before confronting them. I wish you luck.

How about getting a note from your kid's pediatrician stating that they should not be around ANY smoke? That would take some of the pressure off of you. I would call the office, explain the situation to the nurse, and I would bet you could pick up the letter the next day. This has worked with other families I have counseled. Good luck, and stick to your guns. You are doing the right things for your kids.

I dont think it is necessary to threaten them with putting the children in other care. Simply do it.

If they ask why be polite and restate your feelings about the safety issues of having the children breathing toxic fumes that will, in one way or another, now or later, affect their health in a negative way.

I am sorry they are so defensive. It is difficult to deal with people who are trying to turn it into "your fault" or whatever. There is nothing you can really do about that, so let that one go (for your own sanity).

My best advice would be, be as non reactive & matter of fact as possible. Your FIRST priority is the health & safety of your children.

You can tell them how much you appreciate their decision to move closer & that you feel lucky to be able to spend more time with them. But stick to your guns about the health issues - you are the best advocate your children will ever have, don't fail them on account of someone else's feelings.

Best of luck.

P

A couple of thoughts:

I know Dr Laura would jump out of the radio and say that your children's well being comes first and foremost, not the feelings of your parents (who don't care that they are truly harming the children). Of course she would also say that you should be caring for them, not someone else.

An idea might be to put the blame on someone else, specifically "the doctor". You could say that "their doctor" has said that they should not be around smoke any more. And if you wanted to be truthful, I'm sure that all you would have to do is ask, and the doctor would absolutely say that the children should be nowhere near all that smoke. And, absolutely, take them from your mother's care and put them somewhere safer. "Obviously my mother takes better care of my kids" is not a true statement at all. Smoking around them all day is NOT taking good care of them. There are plenty of marine wives who would be happy to care very well for your children, who do not smoke.

You could say to your mom, "Thanks so much for all you have done..., but the doctor says they must be in a nonsmoking environment, and I know how important smoking is to you (maybe not that part ;), and so I've found a wonderful lady/center/whatever who is going to take care of them." Then do it. If she quits altogether (and your dad) then she could resume her services. But they've demonstrated that they care more about smoking than your wishes and the wellbeing of the children, so they can't be trusted.

L.,
I have NEVER smoked and I am 45 years old. I didn't start having health problems from my mom smoking till I was 44 and had a heart attack. The doctor was very surprised I said I had never smoked because the type of heart attack I had is like a "smokers heart attack" from vasospasims this is from my cardiologist.

Hi L.,
Just tell her that you are starting to interview sitters, and then do it. Tell her you love her, and want her to be a part of the kids' lives, but the smoking situation is a deal breaker. It WILL cause stress for a time, but they will get over it. I was in a similar situation with my mom. She watched my son while I worked. I know how lucky I was to have her support, but we soon ran into problems. Her dog bit my son in the face and she still wouldn't put the dog up when he came over. I didn't expect her to get rid of the dog or anything like that, but talking to her about it made her very defensive.So, I just found someone else to keep him. My son loves her, but I couldn't take the chance that something would happen with this dog. She was hurt and upset for a while, but she got over it eventually. Your mom will too. You do what you feel is right. You can't hold a gun to heir heads to stop smoking, but you don't have to subject your kids to it. Its horrible for their health, not to mention, sets a terrible example for them. Its going to be tough one, but stand your ground. Good luck!

Hi L.. I'm K.. I have 5 children of my own and became a Gramma for the first time last July. I am a smoker, like you, and many people in my family smoke as well. It sounds to me like your authority in your own home has been taken from you. It's time to reclaim it in the name of your children! I know this can be really difficult when your parents are involved, but it has to be done ASAP. You and your husband should always have the last word when it comes to your children. Designate a spot OUTSIDE of your home as the smoker's area. Make it very clear that smoking anywhere inside the house is forbidden. These rules apply to anyone who comes to visit. It is certainly not rude of you to want your kids smoke-free. If you have central air, smoking in even one room will circulate that smoke to the rest of the house. It's nice that your family wants to help you, but they need to understand that this is YOUR home with YOUR children and YOUR word is law. If they can't deal with that then maybe they should find a place of their own. There is no shame in standing up for what you think is right. Your relatives are the stress inducers here, not you. Think of it this way...What's more important- Your children living in a cleaner and healthier environment or avoiding some temporary upset with your folks? Set rules and make sure everyone follows them, including you. You must have boundaries. I had to do this with my own Navy parents. They would purchase things for the kids that I'd already said "no" to and reverse my decisions if I grounded someone or took away a privelege. They undermined my authority in my own home and right to my face. Not any more. I put my foot down, got a little nasty and established my leadership of my pack. It was a pill for my dad to swallow and my Mom needed some time to adjust, but it was very worth it. Kids watch everything and they can see when someone is walking all over Mommy. That's a bad example to have. I wish you luck with this. I know it will be difficult at times, but this is what being a Mom is about- protecting your children. You can do this. You just need to find your own way to kick it into gear. Have a blessed day!

L., it sounds like you are having a hard time being bold enough to stand up to your mother. This may be just because she is your mother, or out of a self-imposed guilt trip that they moved to help you.

You are doing your children a neglectful injustice by allowing this to continue. You are your child's advocate and it is your job to provide them with a safe healthy environment.

Your mother's comments are those of someone with an addiction trying to validate and excuse it. There wasn't as much research and evidence about 2nd hand smoke 'back then' when you were being raised, but there is enough now for you to make a decision to have a smoke free house and stick with it for the sake of your children regardless of whether it makes your mother mad or hurts her feelings. She can get over it, your kids may not.

My husband smokes, but he respects his family enough to step outside every time he does. Rain or shine, he chooses not to smoke inside our house where our children live. Your mother should do the same. Put a chair and an ashtray outside and make her a 'smoking area'. Put your foot down and tell her no more smoking in the house. Just smoking in a different room from the children isn't enough.

Bottom line, if you don't stand up for your children, who will?

"also my parents and siblings uprouted their whole life to come here and now I feel like it is rude to demand this change or to cause stress in the relationship"

I think that is the core of the problem, but as you said, YOU did not invite them or ask them to move closer to you.

You need to just lay it on the line and put your foot down about it. Tell them something like "Look, I appreciate the help you have been giving me, but if you can't follow my rules about smoking in the house, this the last time I will ask you to watch my children for me." And mean it.

After they've gone a week or so without watching your kids, maybe they will change their tune. Keeping good relations with relatives is not worth your children's health and safety.

That is a sensitive situation. We had three smokers in our house until my husband developed chronic bronchitis and I became pregnant. He asked my roommate and I to smoke outside, which I had no problem with, at all. It actually caused my roomie and I to smoke less. I became pregnant later that year, and by then I was only smoking about 6 a day, then I quit completely. My roommate still smokes outside.
I understand your dilemma, but you've got to stick to your guns. Explain to your mother that you appreciate everything she does for you but you have to stand firm on the no smoking in the house rule. It's a decision your kids can't make for themselves, and that's why you make it for them by not smoking around them.
I'm not sure how to make it stick- actions speak louder than words. Some people might tell you to "pick your battles," but I feel that this is an issue that can't be ignored and there might not be a right way to enforce your wishes. Good luck!

Hi L.,

I may be attacking the wrong problem but the statement that you grew up around smoke and you're fine seems flippant. Number one, how does she know that it HASN'T affected you? You're a smoker, right? Number two, the chemicals they put on tobacco now is sooooo much stronger and more dangerous than what they put on it 20 years ago. I have lived on a farm where they grew tobacco and the spraying of chemicals on the plants will keep you in your house for two days.

To the question at hand...Moms are delicate things to talk to. They have given us so much so we do need to be kind, HOWEVER, they also need to realize that they are now grandma and their authority has shifted. Obviously at one point she respected your wishes. Ask her what's changed? If she really made an agreement with you, what is she teaching the kids now? If you don't want them smoking around your kids, you need to make a big deal about it, quietly and politely, with options or even ultimatums. You're kids need to know that you are in charge, not grandma. If it were me and they refused to change I would definitely find another sitter.

There will be a time, TRUST ME, when she will need you to help her and it's sooner than you think. I know, I'm there now. I know it's hard to have "tough love" with your parents but this sounds like the appropriate time.

God bless,

M.

you might could ask your mom to come to your house to watch the kids..since your house is non smoking..my mom smokes 2 but when she comes to visit she smokes outside only...

Hi L.,

Your mom and my mom should get together! :) I totally feel your pain. My mom watches my son quite a bit and although she does not smoke in my home with him, I know that she will smoke in her own home if he's there. I have tried to talk to her about it a million times, but she gets so offended. She has said the EXACT words that your mother has said to you. I hate the one about "we smoked in the house with you and you're fine". Maybe I am fine, but I hated when my parents smoked around us. I don't want that for my child. Anyway I don't really have any advice other than you know what's best for your child and you should stick to your guns...even if that means finding a new sitter. It makes it so much more difficult when it's your mom though. Just know that you are not alone!

Take care,
K.

All I can say is, if you can't stop, what makes you think she can after so many years. Why don't you stop first and try to get her to stop. It is just terrible that she is smoking around your children, but if you got pg, and both of you smoked, shame on you. I grew up as a young child with a smoker mother, my father had TB, WWII related and was in a VA hosp for a year. He quit after that. There is a whole generation of us who grew up in a smoking home, it was the "in" thing in the 50's. You can switch sitters and it will create a big rift in the family and they sound like they are there for you. Good luck, I would not like to have to make this decision. By the way, I have never smoked or drank, just didn't like the taste. And, none of my children are smokers and theirs spouses are not either.

I wanted to offer some non judmental support. I feel how hard this is for you, but I agree with the person who said looking at it from the outside this is no-brainer. And I also really liked all the advice Suzanne gave. She's absolutely right- we know more about skin cancer, SIDS, lead poisoning and so many other things- this is exactly the same.

I come a from a family with more than our share of "issues" and I can already see how things are going to come up over the years, and how hard it is going to be for me to stand up for my kids. But I know I have to. I know how hard it is to put your foot down, but these are YOUR children. I am also a smoker- not at the moment, but I still slip. I quit when I got pregnant and it was so hard to do. Since my son was born I have constantly struggled with it, so I am not a non-smoking nazi. But when we have smoked, we only smoke outside (snow or rain or heat) and never in the cars. It really does get into everything! We used to smoke inside years ago and limiting the areas doesn't help. Do they watch them at your house or their own? It seems like it's expecting too much to ask them to not smoke in some areas of their own house even when your kids are not there, so the first thing is to get them to watch them at your own house, and then put your foot down and be firm. As hard as it is, I know! Smoking is so much harder than other things because you can't see its effects immediately, it is easy to imagine that it's fine, but it's the same as exposing them any other dangerous situation. I hope for your kids' sake you can stick to this. Good luck!

tell her that you just want what is best for your children and get the statics about second hand smoke and what it does to the other and go out side and smoke and maybe she will get the hind

Is there something that your parents have been really 'gung ho' about down through the years that may seem silly to another family? If so, point out that THIS issue is as important to you as that was to them (and they wouldn't have liked it if THEIR parents overrode their rules.

Furthermore, they shouldn't have AGREED to not smoking around the kids if they weren't going to follow through! DO -- don't threaten -- whatever you have to do for your own peace of mind about your children. If you can afford someone else, go for it. Maybe your parents will miss the kids enough to agree to non-smoking at least a day or two a week (unless they get so upset at you that they back out of your lives, but that's their optio). As I said, if they agreed to it, THEY need to be folks of their word! They are YOUR kids and need to be raised by YOUR rules.

The smoke really should stay outside. It travels through vents, and it stays in the air and on objects/furniture (etc.) even after the smoking is long finished. These are YOUR children. You have every right and obligation to keep them safe, and you need to tell her that! What happened when you were a child in her home should have no bearing on what happens to your children in your home. If her smoking in the house is more important than her grandchildren, then really you have to ask yourself if she really is taking better care of them than someone else could. Sit down with her and have a matter of fact discussion without the children around. And if she still refuses to smoke only outside, then stop the threatening to get another sitter... and DO IT!

L.

im not being mean but dont allow this to go on my niece who is 2 is on a breathing achine a inhellar and 3 different types of medicine all because of smoke two weeks ago she was almost dead barely had a pulse her ped said her lungs arent strong enough to handle the smoke and a couple of hours more she probably would have been dead now she has been dignosed with severe asthma get it out of your house for your childrens sake good luck

I deal with the same thing with my parents... I smoke from time to time, but my kids (4 and 2), have never SEEN me smoke. My parents smoked in the house while we were growing up, in the cars while we were in the back seat, even in front of our friends who came from non-smoking families... When we fly to MI to visit them, I always say stop smoking in the house about a week before we arrive and smoke only outside after we get there until we're gone. Well, they close their bedroom door at night and smoke and think we can't tell... I can't IMAGINE living in smoke 24/7, just because I have the bad habit doesn't mean that I want to roll around in it all day...
Here's what your argument should be: when children see their role models smoking, it desensitizes them it. EVERY grown-up in my family smoked in front of me, so, in my mind as a child, that's what grown-ups do... maybe that's why I picked up the habit, because it didn't seem BAD after seeing my parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents smoke throughout my childhood. It's not something we WANT our kids to pick-up one day, so the less they are exposed to it, the less likely they will be to think it's OK. good luck, I know what you're going through.

Have a heart to heart talk with your momma. No angry words. If she gets angry say, "Mom I am not angry at you. Please don't be angry with me over this." When you talk to her try to put yourself in her shoes. She moved here to be with you and help you raise your babies. That was a huge sacrifice of love. Say that to her. Tell her how grateful you are to her for helping you when you needed her.

Tell your mom that you love her dearly and you want her to help you raise your babies. Tell her that you and your husband don't smoke around the children and you really wish that she would stop smoking around them. Tell her it is more than the little ones breathing the smoky air.

Tell her that you wanted to grow up and be just like your mom. Tell her that you learned to smoke by the example she set. Tell her that you are trying hard for your children not to see you smoke because you don't want them to grow up to be smokers and you do not want them to breath the smoky air.

Then you need to try to quit smoking and encourage your mom who you love dearly to stop smoking too--for her health! Because you love her and you want her to live longer and be on this earth with you longer. But, you cannot ask her to quit if you are not willing to do it yourself.

Think about it. If you smoke in front of your kids, the likelihood is high that your children will be smokers. Children learn so much more from our example than they learn from our words. You don't want that for your children. Try to stop smoking.

Now, she is probably not going to stop smoking at her age. But, the compromise may be that she will stop smoking in front of your children.

Well that was probably more advise than you asked for. Just think about it.

hi, my name is R.. first of all. these are your children. not hers. you get to make the choice for them,not her. yes it is so much better for them to be in a smoke free place. you didn't ask them to uproot. they choose to. do what is the best for you and your children. i have 7. 28 to 8. when the older ones were young we smoked in the house. when my 10 year old came home from the hospital we started smoking outside and have continued to this day. my husband and i choose to smoke not my kids. buy the way 4 of my five boys smoke. go figure. good luck. stand up for your disitions. it is your right. R. u. ps. the younger ones are hardly ever sick. ear,bron, etc, not a problem like before. i will say it gets really cold and hot where we live but that is my problem not my kids. they have rights just like you mom.

You might try it from an angle that "it's not that we think we are better than you but that we know more these days about health issues than we did when I was small."

For example, most of us didn't think twice about being in the sun all day or the negative effects of unclean air and an unclean environment. It takes years and years for some effects to rear their ugly head--like skin cancer.

You could mention the effects of smog on citizens in huge cities like Beijeng--resulting in allergies, asthma and illness...even cancer. You could even check into watching some PBS shows on the effects of the environment on people....you may could even rent some from the library or video store.

You could try approaching her with "Mom, I know you love your Grandchildren very much and wouldn't want to see anything negative happen to them...you wouldn't let them play in the household cleaners and you wouldn't let them get bad sunburns. If not for them, then please do it for me--it's the only thing I ask. Why don't we try a trial period of 20-30 days where you can go on the patio to smoke and just see what happens."

You might even set up a little "get away/relaxation area" on the patio with a comfy chair/swing/table/plants/whatever and have a kids make a sign indicating that it's Grandma'a Haven"--kinda make it special area instead of a punishment area.

Working at a cancer research facility for alomost 20 years now, I have seen written evidence in our publications linking unclean environment to cancers. Louisianna alone has a high cancer rate because of all of it's industrial plants causing unclean air and water. Really makes you think about what we are doing to our world....but in the end we are doing it to ourselves.

Good Luck!

Yes, this is a tough one! Although smoking in a home where the little ones are is not a good idea, and can be detrimental to their health, I think your relationship with your parents is more important! If you and yor dh smoke, even if you only do it outside, there is considerable tobacco smoke on your clothes and hair, that they are being exposed to anyway, so what's a little more? Your mom is right, you survived, they probably will too. God made the human body to be remarkably resilient, He knows we makes mistakes al the time and has allowed for that in His grand design.

Just because you limit smoking to one room or several, it doesn't stay there! its in the air and moves that way through the door, through the vents. Second hand smoke does cause lung cancer in non smokers, asthma in children not to mention the smell you can never get out of your house, carpet, clothes, car. hair. Even if you smoke outside, when you come back in and pick up your baby she is getting the cigarrette smoke from your shirt. I personally get migraines when I smell cigarrette smoke. Your children's health should come first. There are several ways to quit. See if ya'll can do a family quit program and get everyone on board.
As for the mother watching the kids, I would make the entire house smoke free. and change clothes when you come back in. Sounds like a lot of mess but so is smoking. Sounds like she takes good care of them...minus the smoking. Maybe ya'll can work out a contract that every one can agree on and stick to.
Lawmakers are already trying to make it a ticketed crime to smoke in a vehicle with children in it. People don't realize the future hazards of smoking not to mention your precious 8 month old will probably smoke. Put a cigarrette in her mouth now is just as bad a second hand smoke.

You really need to stick to your guns and stand up for your children. A study was done recently that showed that there is something that they are calling third-hand smoke....this is created from the particles that land on surfaces from the smoke, and this study reported that this may be even more dangerous than second-hand smoke. Print the recent facts for you parents to read when you tell them that you have no choice but to find another sitter that will put what's best for your children first.

Don't back down. First, I commend you for not smoking in your house, even though you, too, are a smoker. As a former smoker myself, I understand how you feel. My son is 16 and everyone smoked around him when he was a baby, no long term effects, but he did develop pneumonia, strep, and ear infections more easily than other non smoking families. My daughter is two. She has never been smoked around and she has asthma. There is no consistency in the risks or consequences, however, stress how you do not want to take the chance with your babies, and how you know that your mother would never do anything intentionally to hurt them. Try reasoning that there is so much more information about second hand smoke now, than when you were a kid. And if reasoning doesn't work, find a new sitter. They have been warned, and have been given a choice. Just as they chose to uproot their lives and come to you, they can also choose between not smoking in front of your children, or not watching your children. Stand your ground. And be proud of your decision to put your innocent babies first!

First and foremost you need to set an example for your kids and quit yourself. It is not only a nasty habit but also very unhealthy for your children and yourself. I would tell my parents they can either smoke outside or find somewhere else to live. My husband and I both do not smoke but almost all of his family does they respect us when they come to visit and smoke outside.

I can empathize with your struggle. You do not want to hurt your parents' feelings but at the same time, you have to do what is best for your children. Your babies cannot speak for themselves and communicate what is in their best interest so YOU have to do it.

Here is the reality. There have been a number of recent studies that suggest that not only second-hand smoke but also third-hand smoke (residue left on skin, hair, clothing, carpet, furniture, etc) is harmful for your children. Do your research, print up these studies and statistics, and let your parents go over the information.

Hopefully, they will make the right decision. It is irresponsible and naive for your mother or anybody to say that they have always smoked with you and you turned out fine, so it is okay to do so with your kids. We know more today than we did 20+ years ago. With more information available now, we are better equipped to make decisions that will help our children. Why would you NOT use as much info as possible.

I know I'm being blunt, but this is a serious situation and I know you are concerned about it.

Good luck with everything.

Hi L.,
I am so sorry you are having to go thru this. My daughter has had to deal with the same issue with her husband's parents.They would even was the ashtrays before my daughter came to get him. My grandson is 4yrs. old now.I will tell you how she handled it. They agreed after many arguements. She allowed them to keep him over night. She would always call before she picked him up. For her own peace of mind she came unanounced to make sure they kept their word.too good to be true right? She dealt with this for about 2 yrs, then with her husband's support, they stopped taking him over to their house. If they wanted to see him they had to go to their house where no smoking in the house was allowed(they were smokers too)...they refused to go see him for 6 mo. or more. They finally got better about it but not perfect. In your case,I would recomend a new sitter for your children,they deserve a smoke free environment. Restraunts even recognize the importants of breathing in clean air. Hopefully they will except your conditions and realize you are serious about removing them from your parents home. It is a true act of love for your children.I know you love your parents and you don't want to hurt them but,They don't seem to mind hurting you and your babies with the smoke and lack of respect for your wishes. Hoefully they will come around. But you need the support and assistance of other family members especially your husband to back you up. I hope this will help. Lainie

I commend everyone on being so well mannered and nice about this situation. I, however, just lost my father at the young age of 60 due to his cigarette smoking and I no longer have tolerance for those who are so selfish about their habits that they would endanger children. Our whole family has smoked at one time or another and only my mother and myself have managed to quit. I know how hard it is having smoked for 15 years. My siblings and I all have children and the one of us who allows smoking near our children... has children with asthma and severe allergies. She is at the doctor almost once a month with them. And, the dr. always reinforces the "stop smoking around your children" idea. It is very evident what smoking does to a child. It is never, nor has it ever been, okay to be an adult and make a conscious choice that will forever negatively affect your child. It is unhealthy and produces nothing good. I watched my father's health deteriorate over the last 15 years and no matter what the doctors said or what we said, he continued to smoke. It was always hard to watch him have one emergency room visit after another. One major surgery after another. It finally was just painful to look at my caller id and see his number come up and wonder is this the last time. Well, the day after my 1st mother's day was his last day. I know this story goes a long way from how to handle your parents, but my point is this... you are the parent of your children. It is your responsibility to make sure that your kids have the best opportunities that this world has to offer. If you start by limiting their health simply because you don't want to upset your parents you are sending a very strong message to your kids. They will see what you do and do not do and it will stick with them throughout their lives. Your parents did not have to move to be with you. It was their choice and they knew the rules going into your home. If they cannot abide by those then they get their own place. They are acting irrationally because smoking produces an irrational fear when there is a threat of it being taken away. It is a powerful addiction. It is not, however, more important than the health of your children. Let them leave without feeling guilty! They are adults and have the ability to behave as such. Hopefully, they will come to their senses. If not, then you have done a great service to your children by allowing them to see you do the right thing and stand up for what you believe. Good luck with your family.

My husband and I are not smokers, but I too appreciate it when people do not smoke around our children. About seven years ago we bought a house from a couple that smoked. They had lived here many years. About three years before they put the house on market they replaced the carpet, painted and stopped smoking inside the house. They told us they smoked, but supposedly they only smoked outside. The house did not smell like smoke and I was naive enough to believe them. Not long after we moved in one of our children got a head cold and the doctor advised us to run a humidifier. The humidity drew all the tar and nicotine out of the walls, through the new paint. I woke up to discover brown stuff dripping from the ceiling and running down the walls. It was disgusting. I have since learned that supposedly KILZ is the only paint that will not let the chemicals from the cigarette smoke blead through. Unfortunately, I have not had the time or money to repaint our entire house with KILZ. Any amount of moisture causes brown stains on our ceilings and walls that have not yet been painted with KILZ.

I do not know what part of the country you are from, but tobacco is a huge business in the state where I have lived all my life. As a child my lungs literally burned every time I played in the tobacco barns. One day my cousin dared me to eat a tobacco leaf and I got incredibly sick to my stomach. Another time, our neighbor, was smoking a cigarette. She did not realize it but her daughter, who was about 5 at the time snuck up behind her and when our neighber moved she burned her daughters eye. One of my grandfathers used to smoke, he quit the day he accidentally set a piece of furniture on fire. Thankfully no one was hurt.

When children go to school, the schools make sure to teach the children that cigarettes are drugs and that people who smoke are drug addicts. Kindergartners really enjoy pointing out that people who are smoking are drug addicts and they need to stay away from drug addicts and drugs.

I'm sure that your parents are ordinarily good people. They are probably just so accustomed to smoking and I don't think that there was much said about smoking years ago. I don't think that we ever really convinced my grandmother about why it was important to wear a seatbelt. It is kinda like wearing a bike helmet. When we were kids only professional cyclist wore them. We know that they make kids safer and that it is the right thing to do, but it is hard to get into the habit, after all we rode bikes all the time as kids and I don't know a single person who received a serious head injury - although I did knock out my front teeth. It is one of those things that your parents just really don't think about and the seriousness of what they are doing has just not dawned on them yet. I'd give it a rest for a few weeks and try and think of subtle ways to make the light bulb go on in their heads. Things that will make them want to change their habits. Good luck.

Hi L.,

This is a toughie. What is your husband's take on it? One, I firmly believe in "my house, my rules". You are not asking anyone to do something that you do not do yourself. You are not acting like you are better than they are. You are asking them to follow your house rules that you follow yourself. Two, I'm sure that your parents feel like they are helping you out during your husband's deployment, but they did not ask you what type of help that you wanted. As an Army wife myself, I can relate. What they consider helping you out, is only adding more stress. Because they did not ask you first, I would not feel guilty about asking htem to leave - that was their choice. If they had asked you first, would you have accepted their offer? Would you have accepted only with certain pre-agreed conditions? You definitely need to have a sit-down serious discussion with them. Let them know that while you appreciate them wanting to help, this is not the type of help you need. Try not to be emotional (I know, that's hard.) and just let them know what type of help you will accept and what type is not needed. Is their inside smoking the only issue? If so, remind them that this is your house and those are the house rules - even for yourself and your husband. If they choose (their choice) not to follow them, you have no choice but to ask them to leave. For some reason, parents seem to think that they are the main concern in situations like this, but they are not. Your family, (you, your husband, and your children) comes first and they come second. Deployments are stressful enough without haveing family members try to tell you what you need, etc. Explain that you just cannot deal with the added stress that this causes. Your concern is your children's health and I would think that would be theirs, too. I'm sure that your base clinic had pamphlets that explain why second hand smoke is so bad for kids. Bring them some home. Maybe they will listen to someone else - and expert - that just because you're ok - it's not ok for your kids. Stick to your guns. This is your house, your family. You need to do what is best for them while your husband is away. Hang in there! L.

It's pretty tough having to tell your parents not to do something, isn't it? And it's even harder for them to accept you telling them. They probably feel as though you are treating them as children and they resent what they perceive as being considered second class citizens.

Since you already acknowledge the second-hand smoke is bad for your kids and the smell permeates everything in their environment (which means the smoke is everywhere in their environment) one thing you might want to consider is to try to quit yourself. Present to your parents that, having the smoke around when you are trying to quit makes it all the more difficult for you. (Don't attempt to get them on that bandwagon because, obviously, they won't go!) If you and your husband are not ready for that step, you will need to take an approach reminding them of the health hazards for their grandchildren and their promise not to smoke around them.

Whatever approach you choose, you want to be sure not to approach them from an antagonistic standpoint. This will automatically make them defensive and far less likely to hear any arguments you may have on the subject.

Another approach is to - gently - remind them of the hazards the second-hand smoke represents to your children and their promise to not smoke around them and to restrict their smoking to one room only.

"Mom, I love you and I want you to know how much I really appreciate all the help you are to me. It has been so wonderful having you around and the kids love having you here. I know it's difficult to have to adjust your smoking habits and I'm sorry that I've been so rough on you about it. And I know I was lucky enough not to have had any smoking related health problems when I was young like some other kids. But since then, doctors have discovered that children exposed to cigarette smoke have a higher likelihood of ear and respiratory infections. I know you love them as much as we do and appreciate the danger smoking represents to them because when you came here, you agreed to not smoke around them. So I hope you'll agree with me now that we need to put the kids' health first and, when you're around them you'll refrain from smoking, like we agreed to in the first place."

Don't be surprised if your mom goes on the defensive and attacks your arguments still. In that case, you need to be prepared to back up your concern for your kids with a verifiable baby sitter. And let your mom know that is the situation. But be prepared for some hard feelings if you have to go this route. Your mom came because she wanted - NEEDED - to be of service to you ... to feel like she was still a necessary part of your life. So, "kicking her to the curb" as it were, will probably make her feel rejected and no longer wanted. That means you'll have to work twice as hard on other fronts to make her realize she is still an important part of your lives (inviting your parents on special outings with the kids or just inviting your mom out for a girls' day out Saturday shopping/movie/lunch outing.) But you have to be firm about smoking in the house and the irrevocable possibility of an outside babysitter if your wishes are not respected.

"I've decided that it is unfair to expect you to have to change your habits just for me, so I'm going to be interviewing baby sitters in the next few weeks to find someone to take that job so you won't have to."

That, of course, means you will have to start looking for and interviewing prospective baby sitters right away. (And don't be surprised if seeing her possible replacements makes your mom A) quit smoking around the kids; or B) take it as an insult and walk out immediately.)

In any case, you know your children's health is the primary consideration here so you want to be firm in your request to your parents. Be sure to reinforce your love for them and appreciation of their sacrifice (which appears to be as much of a sacrifice for you but don't tell them that!). And try to skew your potential 'firing' of them in favor of an outside baby sitter as an attempt to alleviate their burden ("You've done so much for us already.")

Good luck.

Second hand smoke is supposedly worse that actually smoking b/c they do not have the filter to block out some of the toxins. Plus, why hurt their young lungs when hopefully they will grow up not smoking. I would absoultely tell your mom that you are not thinking you are better than they are b/c you smoke yourself but that you and your husband have gone out of your way to keep them as healthy as you possibly can. As far as her comment of, "well, you turned out ok" you say to her, "we don't know that yet and if my kids can live until 90 instead of 60, that is what I want to do" some lungs are more susceptible to cancer anyway so just b/c she is healthy does not mean your children will be. There is NO WAY I would jeopardize my child's lungs for a selfish grandmother. I am not trying to be mean about your mom, I am just saying that they are YOUR responsiblity and I would tell her that either they go back to the original deal of not smoking around your children or you will be forced to find another sitter. That does not mean that they moved here for nothing, they can still see the kids every week. Plus, you mentioned the smoke smell, kids don't smell so good when they smell like smoke and it stays in their clothes and hair....the same way it stays in their lungs. Good luck- be strong.

This may seems harsh and I know so many who just can't but You need to quit, period! You also need to take the children out of your mother's house and put them in daycare. Then tell her when she stops smoking you will come visit or see them. I know this is hard but when we go see my FIL and MIL we bring my mom's trailer and sleep out there. My daughter has terrible allergies and I do not allow her around it. If he would light up in front of the children we went outside. They live in Northern MN and are 30 miles away from the nearest town too. So going to the library is an all day excusion and usually of the question.
Now on my FIL he had a massive stroke and has lost all feeling in his right side and his doctor instructed my MIL to take care of all the ashtrays and cigarettes that were left in the house. He has been smoke free since Dec 07. And our Christmas gifts didnt' need to be aired outside before I brought them into the house.
Your mom is posing a threat to your babies and since you are the mother you need to take control.
Good luck.

If she thinks you are fine, she is wrong. You are a smoker and that is very bad. You need to quit for yourself and your children. They don't need to smoke in your house. It is nasty. Nothing is sadder than a young child that stinks of smoke. Find a new sitter and find a way to quit smoking. I did.

If it is your house, you have the right to say no smoking in the house. If it is their house, they have the right to say we are smoking in the house and then you have to decide if you want your kids there or not.

Hi L.,
I haven't looked at these emails in a while but I had to respond to this one. I know it doesn't seem like it but this is really easy standing on the outside looking in on this. Also please understand that I am not taking sides in any way or trying to put your mom down, believe me, that is not the case. I come from a codependent background and through therapy I am learning to see manipulation in others lives as well as my own. Your mom is using guilt to get what she wants here. I'm sure she loves spending time with her grandchildren and dotes on them but if the rules were there that you didn't smoke in the house with the kids, and she apparently understood that in the beginning then the rules still apply-parents or not. It's that simple. It's not about being better than her and she knows it, whether subconsciously or otherwise. She just wants to have her way and smoke when she pleases and to be very honest that is selfishness on her part. The thing you have to be careful of is to not threaten anything you are not willing to follow up on, but in this case I would say you need to lay down the law and stick to it. If she knows she will not be allowed to babysit the grandchildren if she smokes, she will stop doing it around them. You may even have to find someone willing to watch them just temporarily until she figures out you are serious about this. Unfortunately you are dealing with what I've heard called "the powdered butt syndrome" which means parents very rarely take their children's advise because once they've powdered your butt they think they will always know more than you. It's simply a matter of boundaries and she is overstepping her boundaries as your parent. I know it's hard to stand up to a parent, trust me but if you don't you will regret it. You can stand up to her in a loving way so she knows it has nothing to do with you looking down on her in any way. Just stick to your guns and don't back down on this. It will help you in other areas later as well. If you haven't done so, you might want to find the book Boundaries, by Henry Cloud and read it. It helps in all sorts of situations where people use guilt to get you to do what they want. They may not even realize they are doing it. Anyway, you need to be able to set that boundary and she abide by it. Just because she's MOM doesn't make her exempt from the health and safety rules you have in place for your children. Good luck with it and keep us posted.

B.

Like the previous poster, I have no tolerance for smoking/smokers AT ALL - and I am not one nor have I ever been one. My father smoked most of life (til I went to college - HA!) and my brother, sister, and I as well as my mom all suffered from chronic bronchitis, asthma, allergies, including at least one ER visit apiece for us each year. He also burned us by accident several times each when we were young and didn't watch where WE were walking! Then he got mad at US for walking into his cigarette, even though he felt bad we got burned! He smoked sitting in his recliner, at the dinner table, in the car. He was a 3-pack-a-dayer for 25 years til he finally got so sick he had to quit for 3 days, and by then the worst of his withdrawals were past so he "stayed clean"... I was proud of him for doing it, and although I've never been addicted to it or anything else, I know how hard it was for him and have seen other family members struggle with it unsuccessfully. And to echo the previous poster - my best friend just lost her daddy in November to lung cancer - he smoked as much as my daddy did until about 5 years ago. But once she had kids (living with them for 3 years of the first one's life), he kept the smoking to the bedroom and the kids weren't allowed back there. Then he quit altogether. He still died at age 57 and these kids who were so close with their grandaddy have to grow up without him now.

I see SO many people who smoke and have kids that have BAD asthma and other medical problems, and they still smoke around them. When I was a kid, and I had to be around it, like in the car, I would bury my nose/mouth into my shirt, or something else to get out of the stream of smoke. (I am sure it didn't help much since my clothes must've wreaked of the smoke as well!) To this day, I subconciously hold my breath if I have to go into a gas station until I figure out if it is a clean, non-smoking or a trashy one...

If I were in this situation, like my BF did, and like you've done, I would INSIST that no one smoke ANYWHERE around my kids, including in the house at all, or the car, or in public places. And if YOU could kick the habit, that would teach your children that it is something you shouldn't do and that once you get addicted, it is HARD to quit, so to never start. Yours are so young, they may not even remember you smoking. My kids & hubby can't picture my dad with a cigarette, and it is still weird (17 years later) for me to see him WITHOUT one. If this health issue is as important as you think it is, you will find a way to quit - for your kids, for your parents, and most of all for your own health.

Your husband is deployed right? He is risking his life for our sakes, for our country, for our freedom - what are you risking YOURS for? :) Surprise him on his homecoming by being a healthier, happier wife!

I say all of this with love, not condescension - I pray you will find the answers you are seeking... Your family may be upset with you at first, but if they love you unconditionally (and obviously they love you ALOT to move near you and be your support at this time), they won't hold a grudge for long, as long as their contact isn't being completely cut off. You love them, they love you, you all love the children. Everyone involved needs to act like adults and do the right thing!

God Bless!
A.

hello this is your house your children! tell them to smoke outside. we too are smokers but we WILL NOT smoke in the house or the car! it makes it stink! that and i have 2 kids with asthma. take charge say go outside or hit the road!

L., please put your foot down! I grew up with smoking parents and both of my brothers now smoke. I always hated it and can't believe I married a man that smokes. But he only smokes outside the house. The health dangers are tremendous even for them getting the toxins from your hair and clothing. I realize it's hard to be rude to family. I'm from Texas and tell my kids, I'm 30 something and still will not smart mouth my mother! But this is your children we are talking about. I won't let my kids ride in the car with my mom or aunt because the smell is so strong, even with windows down. Please, tell them it has to be taken outside or you will have your children in a different daycare and follow through! I know it will be expensive but it will be more expensive to you to have them treated for asthma, or worse, cancer. And every little exposure can do damage over the years. No you may be ok, right now, but how would she feel if you develop cancer later in life??? I use the fear factor often. Never works with my husband but he knows how I feel and will not smoke around our children. He even stopped and now chews tobacco...I figure it may hurt us but he's keeping our children safe. My very best to you and keep in mind, you didn't ask them to come?

If you are looking at your own business you could check out www.arbonne.com I work from home and make more money than my Army husband! Let me know ifyou have any questions ____@____.com Take care!

Hi L.
You have every right to feel the way you do about smoking in the house. YOU are the advocate for your kids. It's too bad your family didn't keep their end of the bargain, meaning, they didn't keep their smoking habits outside. You are in a tough situation but ultimately you have to stick up for their health rights. Try not to feel caught between your kids and your parents. There is only one side you can pick...and I hope you pick your kids. You sound like a caring and loving Mom trying to do the best you can with your kids. I can't tell you what to do. I'll pray keep you in my prayers as you come to make your decision. Please feel free to email me if you need an ear.
P.

Hi L.,
You have to make the decision on how your children are cared for. They are your kids and no one is going to do a better job taking care of them than you. I would approach your parents in a loving and appreciative way (taking some of the advice from the other ladies that I read here) and tell them how you feel. And then tell them if they don't stop smoking around your children, that they will not be able to be around them unless you are there (hence, no babysitting). Your children need to come before your parents. Would your siblings be able to help you support you on this? Good luck!!
Cyndi

It is ashame that your parents have that little respect for their grandchildren and you. I use to smoke but never in the house with my children. All my grown children smoke but they ask if they can smoke in the car with me and their little sister. I know it would be hard to find another sitter but they should consider these children do not belong to them so therefore their rules do not apply. If they watched them in your home, they would have to go outside. Your mother should listen to you. Bottom line. Good luck.