16 Yaer Old Daughter Skipping School and Acting Out.

Quit threatened and act. She has no respect for you or herself. Military school will make her wake up to life.

I am no expert when it comes to 16 year olds, but could the acting out be because her grandmother is sick. Kids are no dummy these days and if she is (or was) close to this grandmother, this could be her way of reacting to this situation. (not really the best way, lol) But Kids dont always know how to react to situations and "handle" things, remember when she was three and wanted to do everything but couldn't and would get frusterated?? Maybe she needs someone outside of the home and school to talk to ( a family friend, religious, anyone) just to get her to open up. There could be something also going on at school (like other kids) that she is trying to "excape from" -- things have changed at schools nowdays, smoking at school used to be "cool" and a "rebel" -- nowdays, the smokers aren't really considered that anymore, they are usually the "loners" (and I dont mean anything bad by that, I just mean they are usually off by themselves -- Hiding) I dont know -- this is just a suggestion.. hope is maybe helps....

Hi K.. I was similar to your daughter in high school. I didn't skip school, but we partied, drank, did drugs, & I started smoking in the 7th grade. The heavy partying didn't start until I was about 15 or so. Here was some of my mother & my troubles: I was one of the youngest ones in my class b/c of a late birthday. When it came time for high school, everyone had later curfews than me and they all went out EVERY weekend..sometimes on both nights in the weekend. My mom was beyond strict on my oldest sister (who is 6 years older than me) she ended up running off & getting married just to get out of my mom's house. My brother (2 years younger than my sister) pretty much did whatever he wanted. One of my other sisters, 22 months older than me, never went out at all. So, when I got in high school, she tried to be strict with me. She didn't want me to go out every weekend night. We would argue to the point of screaming at each other...often. Anyway, that's a whole entire long story of family history! LOL.
We did grow up with morals...we knew right from wrong... even though I was rebellious as a teenager, I turned out fine. I took a bad road for a long time. I was very depressed...no self esteem...lonely...had only one true friend...I had even started to cut myself a little bit. Thank God I stopped that before it got to bad. I had scratched the word "Hate" onto my stomach with the end of a pair of scissors. My mom saw it when she went to measure me for my prom dress. She was mad at me for doing it... not really concerned, just mad. All she did was later on ask me if I WANTED to see someone about it. Of course I told her "no" at the time. What teenager wouldn't. But the truth was that I did want help. I was screaming inside to make the loneliness & pain go away. The alcohol, drugs, & smoking served as my anti-depressant at that time. But, I had been involved in church a lot all my life...so I had a force inside me that wouldn't let me take it too far. I went to college for 1 year and partied HARD the whole year. Then I met my husband. We knew we were soul mates by the end of 3 weeks. And I had never kept a boyfriend longer than 1 1/2 months before. After a few months into our relationship, he asked me to stop doing drugs. And I did...just like that. I was in love with him & I knew he was in love with me, so I stopped. I haven't touched a drug in 9 1/2 years because of him. We are married with 4 children now.
I hope you understand all this. I know it's not much advice to you, but I thought telling you a shortened version of my story might give you some insight on your daughter's situation. I wouldn't take away all of her privacy, because she will start sneaking even more. I would try a counselor of some sort that specializes in teenagers maybe. Just act like it's no big deal and bring her. Then don't ask her any questions about her session. She'll talk to you if she feels right about it.
Just remember- the morals and stuff that you have taught her are still there...even though they may be buried.
One more thing: I know it seems crazy for her to want to smoke knowing her grandmother has emphysema, but as a teen... you think like "I'm too young to get all those illnesses from smoking" or "i'll quit before i'm old enough to get sick from it"... I watched my grandfather die a horrible slow death from emphysema when I was in high school...it never stopped me. My dad has heart disease...has had a quadruple bypass...recently angioplasty...and last tuesday he had a heart attack. He smoked until the time he went in for his bypass...almost 2 years ago...and he hasn't touched a cig. since. I'm still smoking like an idiot!
I hope this helps. Please contact me again if you need anything at all. I'll be more than happy to help.
M.

Dear K.
I am going to be blunt. If you make a threat to send her to military school - follow through. Boot camp is good also. Sometimes we have to be "the bad guy" but she will thank you for it later on. We all love our kiddos and we have to do what is best. She is challenging you and now you have to make your stand. Good luck.
Mother of 3, stepmother of 6, grandmother of 18 and greatgrandmother of 6.

Hi,

Something jumped out at me in your description. You said that when you think you're reaching her and she starts to make improvements, the trouble starts all over again.

Maybe she has found that she feels the most loved and important to you when she is acting up? It's true that most of the time that parents spend talking to their kids is spent being critical. But it's time that they're spending on their kids, which kids crave. Just the other day I read some surprising statistics about that. It's all because we want our children to do well, but the result could easily be that kids will repeat or magnify problem behavior to get their emotional needs met: feeling loved, special and important.

The discipline books I've been reading are saying not to focus on punishing bad behavior - of course there will be consequences and that helps to reinforce learning - but by focusing on helping the child to learn to make the right choices on her own, because she wants to, will be more effective in the end. Perhaps you can begin by leaving off with anything negative in your communication with her. Yes, she will have consequences for making poor choices, but make that just a part of the structure; don't involve yourself personally in that. Tell her you want to get back to just being her mom, who loves her, and say flat out that you feel sure that you, her father, and she can figure things out together.

Ask for her input on what would motivate her to take care of her physical health and her education. Ask her what would help her to meet her goals (this is not offering a bribe). If you don't like her suggestions, offer your own: stress management techniques instead of smoking. She's a teenager. Maybe she'd be interested in something cool like meditation or hypnosis. A lot of hip young women love yoga. She could find some cool *and* positive role models in yoga classes. For school, see if she can try some classes this summer that are just for her own interest.

I'm a big believer in therapy. Most people could benefit from learning some new perspectives, and trying new ways to communicate and so on. Certainly, when kids are showing signs of emotional trouble, it can be a huge help. I highly recommend it for her, along with family counseling. It can only help.

And remember to take some time out with her sometimes - maybe a sort of "date" night or weekly Saturday brunch - where the rule is, you don't talk about problems, you just have a nice time together, and you're *talking* and giving each other attention.

Good luck!
L.

PS One thing my dad said to me that worked when I went through a smoking phase in the beginning of my college years was, "I know parents don't like to see their kids smoke. But I'm not really concerned about your smoking because it just doesn't seem like it's a natural thing for you. You'll probably drop it on your own after a while." That really stuck with me. Even though I continued to smoke for a couple more years, I think his saying that it wasn't really my style fulfilled its own prophecy. I ended up not really seeing myself as a smoker. I haven't smoked for almost a decade.

Find your Family to Family Health Info Center for your state (go to www.familyvoices.org) and call them. Ask them to send you whatever they have on Teenage smoking. there is a TON of information out there for parents--including on the internet...
google Teen age smoking. Also Channing-Bete has wonderful materials for parents on teen age smoking. You can google the company name and find them. You can also go on various government websites and get info. Here are some adolescent health resources that should help as well:

http://www.youngwomenshealth.org/

http://www.adolescenthealth.com/menu.html

Health Guide for America's Teens
http://www.adolescenthealth.org/Health_Guide_for_Americas...

Teen Health
http://kidshealth.org/teen/

Teaching kids how to stay out of trouble
http://www.family.samhsa.gov/teach/summer.aspx

Talking to your Doctor (spanish and english)
http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_body/medical_care/talk_do...

I am a mother of 4 boys; 2 biological and 2 adopted. I always wanted girls, but I know now that God knew best however; I have granddaughters and daughter-in-laws.

Relating back to when we were girls becoming young ladies we all went through an identity crisis of trying to find ourselves. Our emotions become overwhelming and no two people respond the same.

I've worked in the education field for 25 years and I've learned that sometimes these children need someone to listen. They are always being told what to do, what to say, where to go, what to wear, etc. Hear her voice and let her know that she's a part of what makes the family.

I read a book titled, "Faith, Family and Finance". I learned that sometimes we are so busy as parents trying to force our children into our identity that we forget that they have they're own. (They're own attitude, their own decisions,, responsibilities and even thoughwe don't want to think about it, their own problems.)

Above all these things if we put God first in our lives we learn that all things come together for the good of the Lord.
Continue to pray for her and with her. I believe that the family that prays together stays together.

Include her in your conversations about her and allow her to help make decisions that concern her. (She's becoming a young adult give her some of the responsibility)

Our child was acting out at the age of 14 and we did not know why. She left school and was no where to be found until 9:30 at night when she was supposed to ride the bus home. She had started cutting her self and we did not know that and she was failing school. She did fail and the next year she failed again. We had her arrested and she spent the night in the juvinal detention center. Everything we did was wrong. Come to find out our child had an underlined problem she had been on a trip over the summer with the chruch and a little boy older than her at this camp raped her. She never told us she just kept it all in and then started acting out. That was the worst 2 years of our lives. We went to councleing at Catholic Cheritys. Our child started doing goth and everything like that. We pulled our child out of public school when she failed the 2nd time and put her into a private school and this has been a wonderful experience. We are honor roll and have a good day each and every day. We are excited about school. Our child is a little slow and is ADHD and we believe that is why the little boy forced himself on her. Please do not do the military school. I have heard horror stories about them. We actually thought about that. I regret sending our child to the juvinal detenion. It was not a pleasent experience for her. See we did not know that she was raped at this time and it was a lonley time for her when she needed us the most. Some times they act out because they are trying to tell you something and you just don't know. I hope this gives you help. If you need to talk just write again. Thanks, Bbeck

Just wondering, but my cousin did exactly that and we just found out that he is bipolar. We saw a major turn around with him when my aunt got him tested. You might want to have your daughter tested just to see or not to see if that is a contributor of the problem

K.,

Can you "kidnap" her and take her away to the mountains for a weekend with just the 2 of you? It typically takes 4 or more hours for them to relax and appear almost human so you can speak to her.

You might also want to find a good book on strong willed teenagers and read it before you go so you'll know what to say that she will hear.

Good luck!

Yes, my daughter Amanda was a strong willed child. She did what you describe, and worse. She climbed on the roof to enter our home through a window, when I was gone once, to get a new change of clothes. She got out of the car near a highway in the dark and we could not find her for hours (until we drove away pretending to leave her, when she called our cell phone.) We had to be 24 hour policemen in our home. We read all of the James Dobson books on the Strong Willed Child, etc. We had a counselor that she responded to who suggested a boarding school. She said she wanted one with horses and boys! We looked and looked and the only one affordable was perfect for her. We finally put her into a Christian boarding school called French Camp in Mississippi. There she learned through loving 24 hour discipline that she got more accolades through positive behavior than negative behavior. She was there from 8th grade through her senior year in HS, when she graduated Valdictorian, went on to college with a full scholarship. She now lives in DC and is the communication director for Congressman Robin Hayes in the White House! She is doing very well and is a very well disciplined young lady of 28 years old. Sincerely,
B. S. RN CCM.

Although i am not going thru what you are, i was once acting as your daughter is. I had great parents and was a good kid but when i turned 15-16, i went nutty. Running with the wrong crowd, drinking, skipping school, drugs, etc. I put my parents through hell. All with regret now, at that time they didn't know squat but i knew everything. Tough love is a strong approach. I ended up dropping out of school and in the end they put me on the road.It broke my mom's heart to do that but it was the best thing for me. I was hungry, cold and ended up getting a job waitressing and living in a motel. I learned a very valuable lesson of how good i actually did have it at home. Not telling you to kick her out but that was the best thing my parents did for me. I ended up going back to school getting my GED and now at 44 look back on alot of mistakes and pray my kids don't do the same thing. Whatever you do don't take the blame and don't make excuses. I see too many parents that do that and that's wrong. We do the best we can as parents and as our children grow they may vear off in the wrong direction for a while but what they learned in childhood will eventually return. Again stay tough, don't blame yourself or make excuses for how she is acting. I would look at who she befriends and go to their parents if need be. Forbidding them to see each other doesn't work, they will see each other. But you can see what kind of people they are and if they are going thru the same thing. I wish you the best of luck and hang in there.

Hi K..
I understand your pain.

#1) Never say anything that you are not going to actually do
#2) Talk with your daughter and advise in YOUR HOME it is YOUR rules. And if she continues to not do what she needs to do, take away everything that you provide - cell phone, vehicle, money.... everything BUT home & Food.
#3) Stick to her like glue - make it your goal to successfully get her through this stage. LISTEN to her.
Take her to movie - just the 2 of you; Go for fries & coke; Find time to JUST be with HER and to JUST listen to what is in her head. This is a very hard time for many children as they begin to start to map their own path in life.
#4) Are there any 'soup kitchens' the 2 of you can volunteer for? Seeing others hardships is often a great place to begin in helping others see the blessings in life that they have
#5) At this stage she needs to understand your unconditional love for her - She needs to hear it & She needs to feel it. Reward ANY positive behavior - Praise anything she does that helps around the house; Give her lots of hugs and kisses.

Good luck

Oh K., I'm so sorry. How hard that must be. It sounds like the punishment isn't working and you have been unable to put your finger on what motivates her.

My thoughts -- My assumptions are that she has done fine up until this point.

How is her relationship with her father? Is he, or any older male, a source of support you could lobby on your behalf? My girls adore their daddy. Grandaddy, maybe?

Are you in a good church/faith group of some sort? I find that the teens I teach who have a strong family history of faith -- be it Christian, Jewish, or Unitarian or whatever -- fare much better than those who don't. In addition, Mom has a support system. That can't be overstated. You need this.

I'm not into PUNISHMENT, I'm into SOLUTIONS, particularly for kids this age. She is almost grown and I'm not playing games.

Is she involved in hobbies or extracurriculars? I see kids who are involved with band, music, sports and so on don't tend to have the trouble that kids who have tons of free time have. If you are working during the day, GIVE HER SOMETHING TO DO. Church daycare volunteer, YMCA volunteer, anything.

We all like knowing that our life has purpose and meaning. What is she doing doing her time off of school? Seriously. Playing music in the garage?

Finally what are her future plans? If she wants to be a hair dresser, get her an apprenticeship, a physical therapist, arrange for her to follow a PT around. If she says "Nuthin," take her to Burger King or to 'apprentice' with an unskilled laborer.

If this were me-- and I am mom of 4 girls, 2 of whom are 21 and 16, I would covertly arrange to put them in the paths of responsible adults. All the time. "You can't use the car because you and Mrs. Johnson are going to mow Widow Smith's grass."

Now, that is just what has worked for me. I hope it helps.

A., mom of 6

Hi K....teenagers are tough....but you are the parent which can make you tougher if you choose. I raised 2 boys so i've been there....my youngest only decided to get "stupid" once for about a 2 week period....his comments were "i had parents i didn't know and definately didn't like" "Dad was across the room and that was too close". K., you can't just threaten...you have to carry thru....you take everything away....you stay so close to her every where she is that she thinks you are a new appendage....literly....i know you probably work but maybe taking off a few days and literly becoming her shadow (at school as well) might make a believer of her. who cares if it embarrases her, maybe she'll figure out that you're serious....you have to stay on top of her and be consistant...if you say..."this will be the consequence" then you have to follow thru, so you have to be careful what you threaten...she has to know if you say it it's going to happen that it's going to happen, she doesn't believe you at this point. you'll probably have to make a believer of her.....but i promise it's worth it...you may have to sacrifice time at work or putting up with her going to the store/cleaners/bank, etc...but SHE'S worth it....just lock down on her massively.....and don't back off for anything. Good Luck...R.

I honestly did the same thing at 16 and my parents now can joke about it. They said I was a good child until 16 and then I became some monster they didn't know and for some reason after a year (thankgoodness!), my normal self returned. I started drinking and smoking and running around with lots of wild friends. Also was skipping school so much that I did actually fail a couple of classes. When it became obvious to me that I might not graduate, I was so scared that I enrolled myself in night school and summer school to get caught back up and had to double up on a class my sr. year. Anyway, I was running around with a group that wasn't so straight and I was having TONS of fun. The more I got detention or grounded the more time I had to take out of school to do my goofing off with them. My dad was hard-nose all the way but my mom just kept telling me that she loved me and was scared about the decisions I seemed to be making. I came around and graduated on time. Close call but it worked out .. keep telling her you love her and let her know what you want for her. Tell her to call you if she gets in any situation and you'll be there. PRAY LOTS!!

K.,

I was that girl in high school. Not only was I smoking but I was on various drugs which caused my "attitude" that you are seeing in your child. I am by no means trying to judge you or tell you how to raise your child but I will tell you that she should have NO PRIVACY. Take her door off of her room, no computer and NO CELL PHONE. No where in your letter does it say anything about discipline....That should be first on your list. She needs you to discipline her and to be a very active part of her life. She is missing something from someone. Only you will know what is missing in her life or what has changed in her life recently. She is going to be angry when you take the phone, computer and door but trust me, it will be worth it. She needs to know that you will not let her continue going down this path because you love her. Use your words to let her know that you will not let her shut herself off from everything and that you know this is one of the hardest times in her life but you will not stand by and let her do things because "everyone else is doing it" or "it's cool". Monitor her homework and her every move, (my parents would follow me at night to see where I was at and what I was doing). You will have to become involved like you were when she was in grade school. Show up at the school and follow her places and if all else fails and you know that she is doing the wrong thing or with the wrong people, Call the police to talk to her. Hope this helps.
K.

I'm wondering if you've considered having her see a professional counselor. Her problems seem significant. Sometimes, teenagers with depression exhibit extreme acting out when their emotions reach beyond their coping skills. I also wonder how she is reacting to her grandmother's illness and the possible loss of her?

K.,
The day that we were introduced to Raising Self Reliant Children in a Self Indulgent world by H. Stephen Glenn and Jane Nelsen and the workshop materials, our approach to interacting with our children changed. The greatest human need is significance. Children and adolescents need to feel needed and that they are making a contribution to life. We were making all of the decisions for our two. They were 13 and 20. We also had a 17 year old foster daughter during that time. Please go to our website at www.developingcapablementors.com to download a free copy of our family meeting notebook. We also have an e-book about how to help interact with your children to help them see themselves as capable. From what I have learned, a misbehaving child is a discouraged child. Some times it is really difficult to find out what is causing the problem. I hope this helps. Let me know if you have questions about any of the material I suggested.
D.

See counseling -- the sooner the better. Sounds like you've exhausted your abilities and energy -- check with your family physician, get a referral to a good counselor for teens, and make the appointment.

lay down the law. Watch who she is hanging out with. more than likely it is her friends that are influencing her. I know because I use to be just like her. She may say she hates you for being nosy, but stick to it. She'll get over it and thank you for it later. spend time with her. hair cuts, lunches... just talk to her while ya'll are out. She'll start opening up. stick to it and follow your instincts

Well, for one thing, if she is spending money on cigarettes it is coming from somewhere. I teach school, and I see lots of students whose parents give them money for lunch....and the cash gets spent on other things. I would write a check to the school, or go by the school and pay for lunches, if you are not eligible for the free school lunch program. And...instead of giving her pocket money for this and that, go shopping together and buy whatever it is she says she needs where you can purchase it. It doesn't mean she won't find some other way to smoke or get a few puffs off of someone else's...but....it will cut back on it, and some of the friends footing the bill will get tired of it too. My college kids knew that if I found out that they were smoking...and I did find out that one was...any pocket money coming from home was gone. My reasoning? If you have got enough money to buy cigarettes, you must be doing real good and don't need any from me.
The other thing you need to decide on and thoroughly discuss with her what you expect from her is sexual matters. As a teacher I hear my high school students talk... a lot...and the ones most tempted to smoke are also the ones most tempted to do other things thought of as "cool".

HI K., I feel for you. I have battled and survived through three teenagers. A girl and two boys. I can tell you, girls are more emotionally draining and boys are more physically draining. I tell them my wrinkles are my badge of survival.

Every teen goes through a period of defiance, just some go through more then others. I honestly believe its raging hormones and girls monthly cycles make it even worse. And its during this time they begin struggling with some measure of independence and they have on auto pilot on for automatically thinking parents are sooo dumb. You have to be firm in your decisions. Never give empty threats. To do so, will give her more amunition to blow you off when you are parenting her. However there needs to be a happy medium in there somewhere. Only you will know at what level is best.

Be firm...but always leave the door to communication open. Let her know that no matter what...she can always come to you to talk. You may not always like or approve of the subject of conversation...but if you can get her to start talking to you...you both will go along way.

I honestly never thought I would survive those years...apparently my children was cursed with my stubborness.

But we got through it. Today I am very close to my children.

My daughter and her husband bought their home a couple of years ago and had their first child on New Years, she is 25.
My oldest son bought his first home at 21. And my youngest son is in the military and stationed overseas.

Even to this day, I never forget to tell them, how much I love them and how I am so proud of them. The biggest and most important accomplishment of my life are my children. But a few years ago...I didn't think so.

Let me know how things go.

So, I do not have a 16 year old daughter, but I was 16 not too long ago and I acted out some also. I think one of the things my parents could have changed was the way they punished me. I never really knew what I would get in trouble for, so instead of thinking 'I shouldn't do that because I WILL get in a lot of trouble' I thought 'there is a good chance I won't get in trouble.' Your daughter needs to KNOW that if she smokes or skips school you are going to punish her. Don't threaten her, that is a waste of your time. She obviously doesn't care about much so find what she does care about (seeing her friends, a certain boy, having her own room with privacy) whatever it may be and take it away. It sounds to me like you are being too easy on her. How can she smoke if she doesn't have money, a way to get to the store and no privacy? She needs to be taken to school by you, picked up by you and then at home in her room (with no door) doing homework for the rest of the night. Expect for dinner which she needs to eat with the rest of the family. No more empty threats. And don't forget about your other child. The way your daughter is acting is not the way to get attention. Sometimes the good child gets pushed aside. If that happens they might start acting out to get your attention. Well, this may not mean a lot because I don't have a teenage daughter, but I really believe this would have changed the way I acted when I was 16 so I hope it helps. Good luck. If all else fails I think military school would work. Remember everything you do is for her and one day she WILL thank you.

I have to assume that your threat to send her to military school was a real one, right? Well, I say send her. Sooner the better.

Most likely...if she's smoking, she's drinking...if she's drinking, drugs might not be far behind. Hopefully, she's not been using already.

Have you considered drug testing her? I know you can get home tests. I'm not suggesting she's doing drugs--I don't know your daughter. The attitude would be enough for me to question EVERYTHING. Especially if it "isn't like her to have one."

Kids do some really stupid things. They try to act like they don't care and that they don't care that you care---BUT they do care that you care and they really care deep down, as well.

Be the parent and stop threatening and follow through!

Stop threatening military school and send her. This is not being a mean or bad parent, it's to save your daughter from the path she's taking. good luck!

K.-I too was troubled when I was younger-a little older than 16 but troubled nonetheless. I experienced two tragic deaths at 11 and 16. So naturally-later on in life when I tried drugs I liked them-it eased the pain. (clean 11yrs) BUT let me say this. I had/have a wonderful, Christian, amazing mother and I lied to her over and over again about everything. I could not stand the thought of disappointing her/letting her down. She never did anything to make me feel this way-I just did. Your daughter is probably a sensitive, loving young lady who feels she just isn't enough for you.(if nothing tragic has occured) It took me getting into something I couldn't get out of alone to finally go to my mom. Through rehab/counseling we mended all the terrible communication skills and are now best friends!! You say you're a hard-worker--I wonder if your daughter truly knows you are there for her irregardless of any mistake she makes. ? I'd ask myself if maybe some time off-till things look better might SHOW her something she doesn't know--no matter what she says! One thing we learned is to always talk to one another by saying 'I feel like this & I feel like that'..not you do this & you do that. Put it on yourself. Also, you can't 'enable' her to continue this behavior. Ultimately, no one is to blame but herself. Life is all about choices and she's making hers. I say act and act fast! Don't say one thing and do another-teens figure out this bluff quickly. You're daughter needs something..the goal is to figure out what..God, time, loyality, friends, activities..? If all else fails-you're going to have to tough-love her. I'm so sorry you're going through this and I'll be praying for all of you! Please keep us updated on your family! May God Bless You!!! L. C.

Hi my family is now grow up, but I have the feeling that your daughter is engaged in negative behavior. Negative attention seeking behavior that has her entire family;including very elderly grandmother very upset with her. Please look at her friends and God Hope not but drugs,sex and alcohol. Family therapy is probably in order,Not for her but so the rest of the family can survive her very disruptive behavior. Hugs

Have you tried counseling? The school have resources dealing w/behavior problems....we're raising hubby's two granddaughters & the oldest is 13 & we didn't get her until age 5. She's biopolar w/many other problems! The more I educate myself I feel it helps....but at 16 they seem to have all the answers & none of the questions to life. Who are her friends? Do you attend church...a youth group would be a positive input. I know it sounds hard but there a places...a "boot camp" type that would be a last resort but finding out what's the underlying problem is the key...being consistant & together w/hubby on all decisions is the key...! Having family counseling would be my first suggestion..I know it's expensive but alot of them will go on a sliding scale for payment & after all..it's going to help the entire family.