Take 7Month Old to Visit Smoking Grandparents?

Stay in a motel room so you don't have to breath that yuck over night.

Since it is summer perhaps they can hold her outside most of the time or constantly have the doors and windows open when you are there.

Unless you live in a glass bubble, or you hate them and are using the smoking as an excuse (in which case, feel free to use that as an excuse until judgment day or pigs take to wing, which ever happens last), if you love them; go see your parents!!!

The plain simple truth: Breathing the air in a city (such as seattle, portland, eugene) for a day is WORSE the smoking a pack of cigarettes in the mountains. It's been 2 years since I looked at the numbers...but as I recall from the air studies we had to go over in anatomy and physiology here is the air quality to cigarette ratio:

Beiiging ..... apx 13 packs per day
Mexico Ciy ...... apx 4.5-6 packs per day
LA, NY, Chigago .... apx 3.5 packs per day
Miami, New Orleans ... apx 3 packs per day (more to do with how the humidity keeps the smog low to the ground then the amount pumped into the air by cars, factories, businesses, & restaurants)
Seattle, Portland ... apx 2 packs per day

It's apx, not because of my memory, but because the air we breathe every day actually has MORE toxic chemicals then the toxins that they lace cigarettes with. What those toxins are varies from region to region (aka what industries are there....mining, factories, lumber, aerospace, etc.).

Along the same vein, I was (un)lucky enough for one of my profs to be in the commitee that disects lungs from all over the country. So we got to look at lungs from the recently deceased. And guess what? The nonsmoking vegetarian runner who lived in Seattle had blacker, bumpier, more disgusting lungs then the multi pack a day smoker from the rural colorado.

To continue, going camping or bbqing, guess what? When there's fire there's smoke. And we breathe it. And our children breathe it. And we laugh and sing sons and roast marshmallows. Huh? Wait a second....

The preceding has not been an advertising for smoking. Smoking causes lung cancer and emphysema. It's so addictive that people who've already had surgery/chemo continue to smoke, and for the past twenty years the anti-smoking campaign has been soooooooo huge that there can't be a single person in the US who doesn't know that it's bad for you. Hands down, flat out, no argument.

The argument is for common sense and compassion and perspective.

The particulates in the air from cigarettes (2nd hand smoke) are so small, that it literally take decades of living in a small enclosed space filled with smoke for physiological effect to take place. We never drive cars in the house (well, aside from the damage that would happen to the floors and door jams), but if we did, we'd all be dead in less then a day. The exhaust from cars is more toxic. But we don't avoid people who drive cars. We don't cross the street while *pretending* to cough and hack, we don't teach our children to be bigoted against people who drive cars. Typically we TRY and teach our children that being a bigot is a bad thing (unless it's against "smokers", or "african-americans", or "poor people", or....oh no wait...maybe teaching bigotry of any kind is bad. Hmmm...

Some people are also allergic to airborne particulates (pollen, perfume, smoke of any kind, dust, etc.), and for those few unfortunates, daily life can be a chore, because it is nearly impossible in this day and age to find actual, honest to god, clean air.

Unless your daughter is one of those poor unfortunates (One of my cousins is one, but the actual severe allergic reaction is rare...like a peanut allergy. Yes, lots of people are allergic to peanuts, but MOST aren't.) You parent could quite frankly be chain smoking in the house and as long as the two of you aren't living there...the only damage that will happen is a mild irritation to the mucosal membranes (like what you get when you BBQ, or go to Mass, or go to a Buddhist Temple). Longterm exposure is different of course, but the short-term?...no biggie. Even the short term repeated exposure.

By not smoking in the house, and airing it out (yep, you'll still SMELL the smoke), what they're offering to do is not only "good enough" but shows a deep respect for you and your wishes/fears and their desire to see you and their grandchild.

BTW....Try timing that two hour drive with naptime...and you'll be golden. :)

E. - 2 hours away is long, but not THAT long. You can tell your parents that you don't want her in the smokey house, quote some studies, but tell them that you really do want to see them. Then, go out to lunch with them, go to a mall/outside market/park/beach with them. Then go home. That way they see the baby and get to spend time with her and you are away from the smoke.
L.

E., unless your baby has asthma or some other breathing difficulty already spending time with smokers in their house will not have a negative effect. It's the long term exposure that causes damage. Our lungs have a way of cleaning themselves. It is only when our lungs have so much toxic stuff in them that they can't get themselves clean that there could be a problem. Could be. Not all smokers or people who are around smoke get lung cancer or emphysema or ??. I worked around and in a smoky environment for 22 years. I did have a lobectomy for a tumor that is thought to be caused by hormones and definately is not caused by smoke. So, a doctor has been inside my lungs and said that they are healthy.

My now 9 yo granddaugter has had asthma since she was a baby. It was not caused by smoke. Short term exposure to smoke might cause her to have some difficulty in breathing. Might. The allergist did not say to keep her, who has asthma, away from smoke. He did say it was best if she didn't live in a smoker's environment.

I think that it's wonderful that your in-laws are willing to make changes so that your visit will be less stressful. Yes, there will still be toxins in the air. Your baby will breathe some of that into her lungs. Her lungs will secrete moisture that will clean the toxins out of her lungs. She won't be harmed during a several day visit.

It's good that you are be cautious with your little one. That caution needs to be tempered with information and with an eye towards relationships. Your daughter will suffere more for not having had a relationship with her grandparents than with being exposed short term to smoke.

So, visit his parents and your parents. Build strong family relationships with those who support you by doing such things as clearing out the smoky air and going outside to smoke.

My husband's parent smoke like chimneys and when we go to see them, we are there for 2-3 weeks solid - in their house because they live in England. And when they come to visit us they are here in our house for 2-3 weeks.

My daughter was born 7 weeks early and spent 6 weeks in the hospital, I was worried about her little lungs and how the smoke would effect her. 2-3 weeks was fine.

Smoking was a HUGE issue for me at first - HUGE! I even forced my husband to get us a hotel (which there aren't that many where my husband's parents live) just because I didn't want to be around the dirty house and smoking. I've grown up a bit since then.

My in-laws did not smoke in the house while we were there and never smoked right in front of our daughter.

We have visited England 3 times with my 6 year old daughter - the first time she was 9 months old. Second time she was 2 1/2 years old and the third time she was 5 years old. We stayed in the hotel on our second trip.

The relationship my daughter has with her Gran and Grandad FAR outways any problems she may encounter from breathing old stale smoke. I've now come to realize that she will learn more from them and have amazing memories even though they smoke. She isn't going to die from breathing stale smoke for a few weeks. If they smoke in front of her it was outside shopping, walking, etc. and I usually just moved to a nice distant or went in a store or something.

It was a stepping stone to talk about cigarettes, smoking and how we don't like it in our home.

I HIGHLY recommend you get over it and let the relationship blossom the way it will. To not drive 2 hours away at 7 months is silly to me - well - my daughter was/is such an awesome traveler - 2 hours is nothing.

Positively,
M.

39 year old SAHM to a fabulous 6 year old and happily married to her dad for 16 years.

i hate to say this...but no. nicotine and the other harmful components in cigarette smoke remain on fabrics for quite some time, and your daughter will pick it up from sitting on the couch, crawling on the floor, hugging her grandparents, climbing up in a chair. airing out the house will remove the smell, but not the bad chemicals that will hurt you and your child.
i don't have any constructive advice for this, but my mother is a smoker, and i have experienced my share of arguments regarding her smoking and my children. i hope for the best outcome for you.

Honestly, I'm not sure which is concerning you more, being away from the comforts of your own home--or taking her to see the grandparents. It sounds almost like you are looking for excuses to not go...

As for the smoking, please read Zoe and Marda's posts again!

My brothers and I were raised in a home with one parent who smoked and a caregiver who smoked... none of us have any respritory issues or long-term "damage" from it. Not saying that it isn't possible for people to be affected by second-hand smoke, just not everyone is adversely affected by it.

The other thing you need to consider is how you would feel if you DIDN'T have the opportunity for your daughter to get to know and love her grandparents. I took my daughter on her first plane ride at 7 months to visit her grandparents 2000 miles away. I would have done it sooner, but I had to work. They had visited her several times before-- but it was also important for me and her father to start getting her exposed to the world beyond our home. She's 30 months old now and has flown about 10 round-trips now. Her baby sister will be two-months old next month when we take her on her first plane trip...

You just gotta get out and go, she'll be fine, you'll be fine!! Bring your own bedding, or arrange a trip to Target when you get there to buy some pillows if you think it will be that bad.

Hi E.,
If you like them go and visit them. Ask them to stop smoking in side and airing the house at least a week before your arrival. You can also ask them to wash hands before touching the baby and to wear an extra sweatshirt or jacket when they smoke, one that they can take off when they go back in. The smoke stays on hands, cloths and hair. Set your expectations befote you go there, so you don't end up bossing them around in theirs own house. And no, the little smoke your Ellie will inhail wjile there won't damage anything but your actions can damage your relation with her grandparents. Good luck!

E.,

Whatever you can do to limit the time around smoke...even aired out places...the better. I have horrid allergies, and still react strongly to smoke (my parents were smokers and we know this contributed to my health issues).

I would recommend that if your relationship is good with your parents, tell them your feelings. Suggest gatherings at parks, hotels (indoor pools are great for play any time of the year)...etc. Not only will that keep your daughter in a healthier environment, it will help maintain your relationship with your parents.

Good luck and God Bless,
T.

E.,
Best of luck, I understand your hesitation. Be aware that no matter how much they "air" out their house, it will still reak of smoke. And keep in mind that they CANNOT smell the smoke. So if you go in saying that it is still smelly, they will just be offended because of all the measures they took to make their home comfortable for you and your baby. I have been through this for years with two smoking parents. Be prepared to wash everything you brought to the house because everything will smell. My husband, who has a pretty bad sense of smell, made comments about the luggage when I opened the bag.
All that said, it is so hard to deny the grandparents time with your little one. So much wonderful bonding can take place!! If you can, bring a camping trailer and park it in their driveway, stay at a really close hotel, or stay with a non-smoking friend in the area. We have tried all of these and had success. I would really encourage you to discuss the reasons in a kind, but firm way. Smoking is gross, but most people are wonderful.
Good luck,
K.

They can try to air out the house but when you clse it up because the smoke is in the furniture, paint,carpets/rugs the smell will still be there and when they go outside to smoke and come back inside it is in/on clothes and hair
a formr smoker so I do know what I am talking about.
Paula

My FIL smokes next to the kitchen door to their back yard. their house still stinks of smoke and we all get very dehydrated after spending a couple of hours there. The kids start to get cranky and it is time to go. While "airing out" the house helps, there is really no way to get the smell out of the carpet, furniture, etc. We always come home and change clothes and bathe immediately. We also have stopped taking the diaper bag and their special blankets in because they just end up stinking.

We still visit them because we feel it is important for our kids to see their grandparents, but thankfully, we live close enough that we have them come to us most of the time.

Good luck!

E.,

Because your parents are heavy smokers the smoke is in *everything* and them airing the house out will not be enough. No matter what they do to air out the house you will still be smelling smoke everywhere.

My mom moved into a house nearly next door to me in April and I don't like visiting her because it already smells super smoky at her place.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Oh and yay for being an interpreter. Once my kids are in school I plan on going back and doing the same thing you are.

I have this same issue when visiting my family. Your parents seem perfectly willing to accommodate.
Have them quit smoking in the house a week prior to your arrival and wash all the bedding your family will be using. If they continue to smoke only outside, and after smoking wait a minute or two to air out, then your baby will be fine. This would be just as safe staying in a hotel and seeing them only for outings... just more practical.

While I am on the side of not being in that environment at all, I appreciate the info that came forth from both sides here.

CONSIDER staying at a hotel so that, as a compromise, your kids won't be exposed for a portion of the day, at least having a chance to clean out while they sleep.

Having said that, my husband, who is an HVAC tech, will be the first to tell anyone that indoor air, no matter how "clean," is actually worse than being outside with deisel engines going. Mold, formaldahyde in carpets and furniture, etc., stays in homes, too, and can do just as much damage as cigarette smoke. Ew to the smell of the smoke, tho.

What it really comes down to is what you're comfortable with. But please be honest w/ your in-laws about your feelings. Keeping them in makes you irritable and intollerant to the littlest things b/c you'll harbor resentment about what's really bothering you.

GL! :-)

My husband and I have dealt with this the entire time we've been married. His parents are heavy smokers and drinkers and their home is like being in a bar. No amount of airing out can get rid of the particles that continue to float into our lungs when there. I cleaned my grandmother's house after it was already cleaned once after she passed away from lung cancer and emphysema and there was a yellow film on everything and my smoke allergies kicked up after just 30 minutes being there. Now magnify that with an infant. It just isn't worth the risk. I think you should very kindly inform them that because of you and your baby's "sensitivity" to smoke you will be staying in a hotel and that way the baby also will not wake them in the night. Keep it as positive and kind as you can. At the same time, don't be surprised if they get a little pissy about it. As you can see from the previous posts, smokers get really offended that we want our right to breath clean air just as much as they their right to an early grave. Best of luck, you're not alone. And remember, your baby is now the one that you are responsible for and if you don't protect her, who will? Obviously a lot of people out there think a little satisfaction in the form of smoke is worth risking a child's life. :)

I think the question is really one of prioritization and hard choices. Can your children gain enough GOOD things from their grandparents to offset the smoking? If not, then you should probably make the break as complete and as quickly as possible. Most of the letters I read from the young moms concerned with this issue lead me to believe that they really don't care for their parents and in-laws to begin with and that even a curtailed relationship is going to be a real strain.
If, on the other hand, you really LIKE your parents and/or in-laws and think a relationship with them will enhance your child's life, you should probably relax and accept them and make your time together as a family count for something. I'll bet most of us would be really surprised to find out how tolerant our parents/in-laws have been of our own behavior.
If smoking is a deal-breaker, however, it would be kinder to everyone involved, including you, to state it plainly and be done with it. You should, however, be honest with your children when you tell them why they have no grandparents. Please resist the temptation to tell them the old folks loved cigarettes more than them. In reading the answers to this question, it becomes obvious that even if they quit smoking completely, you would require some heavy-duty fumigation, cleaning, and so forth, some of which might be too expensive for many people on a fixed income. There would, at any rate, be a terrible price of resentment and mistrust, and a sense of disrespect and treachery as far as the old folks are concerned.
All very tragic, but you will have victory and the mantel of moral superiority on your side. Good luck.

Use your judgement. I certainly wouldn't allow my 2 year old to be in a house where someone was currently smoking. I can't picture taking her to the house of a smoker at any point. Maybe they could meet you at a restaurant or park for a visit?

Hi E.,
I don't know the official answer to your question, but from what I've read, being in a smoking environment or even being held regularly by smokers (whether they're smoking inside or not)does increase the chances of SIDS.
As a person with asthma, I'm really sensitive to being around smoke and often notice it's presence when other people don't. I can tell you that it's harder for me to breathe in a house where people smoke, even if they're not smoking in there at the time. To me, that means that the smoke residue is still there, it's just that most people don't notice it. I think babies' lungs are sensitive too, so they probably would be affected when adults wouldn't.
I also had a nurse tell me once that a smoker should change their clothes & wash their hands whenever they are done smoking if they're going to be around young babies or kids with asthma. She said the smoke gets into the fabric of the clothes and can be held on the skin. Smell a smoker's fingers if you don't believe that. The nicotine stays on the skin.
I personally won't be taking my baby into a place or a vehicle that is regularly smoked in, and won't let any smokers hold him unless they change their shirt and wash their hands first. My best friend is the same way with her baby.
From reading your question, it sounds like you pretty much know how you feel about it: Your mom instincts are telling you not to take your baby into a smoking environment. I want to support you in that and encourage you to trust in yourself. I know it can be hard to confront older folks on things, especially if you're worried about hurting their feelings. Really, it seems like that's the main thing that's standing in your way.
I'd say, ask your pediatrician what they think about it. Sometimes it can be easier to just say "This is what the Doctor recommended," rather than to possibly hurt feelings or step on toes. But since your parents live pretty close, it might be worth it to set this as a boundary now. If you want them in your child's life, it's going to come up sooner or later. Why not start out on the right foot?

My parents, also heavy smokers, have never seen my 22-month-old son in their own home. I ALWAYS make them come to our home to see their grandson because I don't want him exposed to secondhand smoke.

They quit smoking 8 weeks ago (after 60 years of that habit), and when I visited their home two weeks ago, it STILL smelled like someone had a cigarette going, even though I know they are honestly not smoking now. That's how long smoke lingers in a two-smoker home. Airing it out and smoking outside while you're there won't affect what's still in carpets, drapes and on walls and furniture.

I was exposed as a child and remember chronic sore throats, ear infections and other illnesses that all cleared up once I moved away from home to go to college. There's no way I'm exposing my son to that until it's had several months to air out, with windows open over the summer. I also believe that withholding visits in their home, and making them drive 45 minutes every week to see their grandson, factored into them quitting. So, I don't feel one bit bad about it.

Going to visit grandparents is not something to be feared, so I would hope that if the opportunity presented itself to go visit your parents, you would do so. Her age is not an impediment, it sounds like your fears are.

Smoking is not good for any living thing or person, with that said, if your in-laws are making the accomodations to smoke outside and air their home before you go, by all means, go and enjoy their company and let your daughter, their granddaughter get to know each other. My parents smoked when my kids were babies, never in their presence however. They both quit smoking when my youngest was born. With that said, their home still smelled like smoke until they cleaned the carpet, drapes, furniture and painted. A major undertaking. Your daughter isn't at risk for anything by being in their home. If the smell is overwhelming for you and your husband, you may want to stay in a hotel, but I don't know what state you're visiting and smoking rules vary state to state, the hotel room could smell like smoke even though it's now a non-smoking establishment.

Go visit your parents as well. Two hours is nothing for a road trip. You're not leaving her with them, you're going together for a visit.

And check with your Community College about on campus childcare. Many campuses have it and it's very affordable for students, convienent as well.

Unless there is some reason I 'm not aware of, the answer is easy. Don't take your baby to your parent's house. If they want to visit their grandchild, they should be willing to take the 2 hour drive to your house, which is smoke-free.

I am just plain honest with my in-laws. They smoke in their garage or out side the front door. When we are going to visit they open all the windows and turn on fans to air it out and still after a visit I smell like I spent the evening in a bar. I hate it! I have very bad allergies so it makes it a bit easier for me (I have an excuse), but I told them, after the baby comes they will have to visit at our house not theirs or stop smoking. Hopefully that works. And my mother-in-law appreciates the honesty.

I understand you wanting to be careful and take all precautions necessary in the health of your baby, but if they are willing to go outside and also air out their home so you are able to visit, then at least they are trying to accommodate your wants and needs. My son's grandparents are heavy smokers as well. I'm also due with my second child, a girl. I quit smoking myself a little over 3 yr ago. I would prefer that my children not be around the smoke at all, but unfortunately, it's not always possible. My son's grandparents, in order to be respectful of their grandchildren, started smoking outside. I just asked them to wash their hands before handling my son or for when my daughter arrives. There are ways to help air out their house a bit better than just opening doors and windows...if they have always smoked in their home, there are going to be traces of lingering smoke smell in their furniture and walls. You could ask them if they would be willing to rent a shampooer to assist with the smell in the carpets and furniture. *hug* Good luck!