Am I Wrong to Ask That Smokers Be Smoke-free When Visiting Our Home?

Are you kidding!!! I would never allow someone to smoke it my home, particularly with children there....no way! No one will be offended, and if they are, tough beans.

You are absolutely entitled and good for you. I have even asked people at children's events and the zoo to not smoke around my children. There is no reason a child should be put at risk, if people want to smoke in their homes that's fine, but non-smokers should have the right to be in a smoke free environment.

My husband and I had to make a similar descion about his brother and smoking and being around our 4 mo old daughter. Here's the conclusion we came to...

We see his brother about twice a month. When he comes over, he smokes outside and washes his hands when he comes in. He does carry the odor around with him for ten to fifteen minutes when he comes in and it was really getting to me.

When I talked to my husband about it he said that his brother is adicted to smoking and knows that we do not like it that he smells like smoke around our daughter. He knows how we feel, yet we recognize that he is addicted to the point that he cannot just stop for a day. No one has died from being around "third hand smoke" (smoke smell on items) for a few minutes a few times a month.

His brother has expressed and interest in babysitting for which he told him until he is able to stop smoking while he is at our house that we are not comfortable with that.

The benefits of Lilah having her uncle in her life (we almost lost him due to alcoholism a year ago and is now sober for 11.5 months) far outweigh my frustrations about the way that he smells.

I think you have every right to ask them to not smoke in your home. But boy, it's kinda touchy subject re: them smelling like smoke from previously smoking. That would be equivalent of letting someone know they have body odor. I think that if Grandma is doing a good job at it (at least trying) then so can Grandpa. My mother-in-law was a heavy smoker (now trying her hardest to quit after having a stent put in). I made it known to my husband that not only did she smell of smoke but when she'd go outside to smoke she would just fling her butts on the ground. That's the same as littering. I let my husband handle that since it's his side of the family. She was glad to comply because nothing was keeping her away from her grandchildren. If your situation does not get better I'm pretty sure your children will let them know soon enough by either asking them why they stink or just not wanting to be around them.

I completely agree with your decision to ask visitors to be smoke free. I have a father-in-law who also doesn't seem to understand the severity of the situation on our family. When my son was born he was immediately sent to DeVos Children's hospital with respitory distress syndrom. We put the same requests out to him with some compliance. My son now has asthma and allergies. My daughter, husband, & myself also suffer with less severe cases. Now that my son is older (3) my relatives don't understand the importance of our request. Stick to your guns and don't let up even as your children grow. We have a right to live in a smoke-free environment in our own home for the health and well-being of our families!!!

No! You have that right:)

well my mother smokes and never does she smoke in my home but when we go visit her she smokes at her house it bothers me but i dont think i can tell her not to smoke in her own home. When she is her she never smells bad like other people do. Im just guessing it is the type she smokes doesnt smell that bad. My in laws also smoke but they do not smoke in there home when my daughter is there. They respect me and my child very well. I think you have all rights to say or do anything you beleive is right to better your childrens health.

I'm a nonsmoker and my parents are smokers. I hate the fact that they put their lives at risk for this addiction however I feel that their love and attention is far more important than their smell. I also ask smokers to not smoke in my house but asking for smoke free clothes could be going slightly overboard. I'm somewhat old fashioned with this opinion but I figured I grew up in it and breathed it everyday and I have turned out fine. No lung or breathing problems, so I figure for my son the couple of hours that he spends with them is not going to hurt him anymore than the dirt that gets into his mouth from outdoors or the germs that are passed from other kids toys that he plays with on playdates or books that he touched from a library.......Good luck in your decision it's a hard one to make and I fought a battle with my parents but like I said before, I felt that a grandparents love was just too important.

To be honest, no you are not in the wrong. I kick my boyfriend out of the house to smoke. I don't see anything wrong with that. You want what is best for you and your baby!

Absolutely not. Your home, your rules, your family's health.

C.,
I'ts your home and your children. You do what is best for your family and if your FIL can't abide by your rules and trys to fake washing his hands (couldn't believe that when I read it!!) then I wouldn't be leaving my kids with him. If their grandkids are more important to them then cancer sticks then they will do what you ask, which isn't much. Your not asking them to quit smoking...
If it gets to the point where they just aren't doing as you ask. I would meet them in a public place to eat when you and the kids want to see them. Maybe that will drive the point home, but maybe not??
I have smokers in my family to. As the other poster said, they go outside no problem. Do they reek of smoke, YES! We went to their home for Christmas Eve this year and obviously it's their house so we couldn't say anything, but OMG they smoked like chimneys and I won't go back for any holiday's EVER! I had a migraine from the smoke and just thinking that my children had to breath it for 3 hours straight made me mad at myself for putting them in that position. And when I say smoked like chimneys, I mean one after the other for 3 hours straight. Maybe they where trying to get their point across to us, that in their house they will do as they please. But I won't be back.
Good Luck! I know it's a touchy subject.
J. in Macomb

You have not mentioned your husband in all this. These are his parents and maybe he needs to speak to them. It is your house and they should do as you ask but it is a very difficult addiction.

HI C.,
No I don't think an anyway are you wrong for asking them not to smoke around your kids. You can also ask them if it's easier for them to keep clothes at your house so when they come over they can change and have fresh clothes around you kids, that way they wouldn't have to have a blanket. Maybe trying to explain to them about the allergies and how you don't have anything against them, it's just you are looking out for YOUR own kids. I understand how hard it must be, but if they love your kids they would want what is best for them as well. Just because they may have smoked around their kids doesn't mean that that was right or wrong. It's just your own children and you can not take the smell, nor should you have to deal with it in your own home. It's one thing to go to their house or to a bar, you know what you are getting into, but at your home, you shouldn't have to change everything for them. Good luck on a touchy subject.

My husband smoked when my daughter was born, her peditrician told him that he needed to smoke outside (which he was already doing since I was preggo), wash his hands and his face after he came back in, and he told him to have a "smoking shirt" to put on when he smoked and take off when he came back in. He said that the carcinogens are left on your skin and clothing afterward and it is a direct link to SIDS. So no I do not think that you are being unreasonable at all, you care about your children and want them safe. Maybe you could take to your peditrician and get some info on this and share it with them, and let them know it is not personal, you just want your children to be healthy and do not want to expose them to smoke. You could also let them know that if it wasn't a big deal the government wouldn't be tryin to pass a law that you are not allowed to smoke in an enclosed area with a child (I think the age limit is 16) which includes your car or home. I just read what the other posters said, and I think you are NOT out of line to ask them to remain smoke free in their own home while your children are there. I will not take my daughter into a home where the people smoke inside the home.

I smoke, but I say your house your rules. I am happy to respect how others feel about my habit and not impose it on them. I wash my hands and mouth before going near my children and I also wear a robe outside when I smoke so that it doesn't cling to my clothes. I do ask people who visit to take the same precautions I do. I ask them to wash up and leave their jackets where the kids are not near them. I may smoke but I dont want my children to have it forced on them. They need to realize if they smoke in the car on the way over it clings to them and everything they are wearing. If they need to get a quick fix before seeing the kids at least do it outside not in an enclosed area. Good Luck! I for one with your Asthma wouldn't be smoking near you at all, but not everyone understands how just the smell of something can trigger an asthma attack.

I don't think you are wrong at all. Especially when people are visiting your home! I am of the opinion that my husband and I pay the mortgage so we are the ones who will determine what "rules" are applied in our home. No Smoking is a big one. I don't even allow people to smoke in the garage or on the deck, because as soon as the door is opened it comes in the house. So, if they want to smoke they can go to their car. I know it sounds harsh (my in-laws are also smokers and I'm sure think we are crazy) but I respect their "rules" when I go to their house so they need to do the same.
As for visits to their house, we play that a little differently. My husband doesn't feel he can tell others what to do in their homes, just as we don't want them to tell us in our home, but if they are smoking in a room, we are in a different room, and the visit is not nearly as long as it would be in a non-smoking home. I know this doesn't completely protect our child, and there is still smoke in the air, but we figure she will get some exposure to it in restaurants (even the Non-smoking sides sometimes seem to have some smoke) so we will never be able to completely protect them from it.
One final note, your child is your child and whatever "rules" you want to have you can have. Your in-laws raised their children the way they wanted to, now they need to respect how you are raising yours and if they can't it's their loss because they won't get to spend as much time with their grandchild.

You have every right to ask/tell them to not smoke in your home. If they need to smoke, they need to be going outside to do it. Both of my parents smoke and both of them (without me asking) have ALWAYS gone outside if they needed to smoke while over my house. Yes they do reek of it when they come back in but that goes away. There would be no way anyone would be smoking in my home. That gets into the furnature, walls, ceiling, everything. They have the right to smoke but you have to right to tell them they cannot do it in your home. Maybe you need to sit down with them again and explain why you do not want them smoking in your home and that you would like them to respect your rules, just like you respect the rules in their home. Also explain that you would love to have them around more but the smoking has stopped that from happening. I have an older daughter and my ex's mother smoked around her but not my parents, so she was known as "Grandma with the cigarettes". Not something I would like to be called. That is what my daughter called her. My ex and I had nothing to do with that. BTW I have triplets who were 6 1/2 week early preemies so EVERYONE was made to wash their hands before holding them.

Absolutely Not! Never question yourself on tat topic. They should respect that and if they don't then they simply are not worth it

Definitely Not.
We deal w/ this exact issue in our home. My parents smoke, always have and I fear, always will. It has caused MUCH dissention in our lives, in many ways.

You are definitely "In Line", not out of line. It is all we can do to ensure our kids are affected as little as possible by this disgusting habit. I could go on for days about this topic. The bottom line is that here, in Western Michigan, there is a problem w/ people NOT respecting each other's human rights to live a smoke free life. Instead, businesses and the community, the government, basically everyone from what i've seen, ENABLES people to continue this behavior in public, and we need to DO something about it, rather than taking it out on our loved ones. (I believe they-the loved ones- do not intentionally try to tick us off by smoking in front of us, they simply feel they are not doing any harm.)

Once the government gets involved and tells the businesses, parks, rec centers, at sporting events,on school grounds, churches, hospitals etc... that it is ILLEGAL to smoke in these common places, smokers will not even THINK about what they are doing. They are focused on the fact that they are doing something that is OK. And we, as non smokers, are tossing personal attacks at them, rather than their habit.

I have just recently moved here from another state, and EVERYTHING was non smoking there. BUT it took a LONG TIME to get that in our city. and trust me, the smokers fought it. But the point is, this LIFESTYLE is not going to change until WE as local citizens put up a protest and take this to our local government.

It is pathetic that we have been conditioned to believe that WE are the ones with a problem, considering we aren't the ones with the addiction. We aren't asking people to NOT SMOKE, but to keep it in their own homes, and out of sight of children who are growing up thinking it is OK to do so.

I would LOVE to start a campaign to change the situation here in Grand Rapids, but so far all i've been able to do is (like you) change the situation in my own home.

I can totally understand your request for them to not smoke in your home or around your children but would you like them to shower when they arrive at your house? I think asking a smoker not to smell like smoke is not really a realistic idea. Good luck

Being a former smoker turned mommy, I think you are 100% right to request this from anyone entering your home. It is your home; your sanctuary. You can't control outside forces while out in the world, but in your home, you have the final say. We only have one person in our family who smokes, and we have the same rule when he visits, which is rarely, as he lives out of state. But, it's a choice your father in law has to make: visiting his grandchildren smoke-free, or not seeing his grandchildren. As harsh as it sounds, that's what it boils down to. I understand the need for a cigarette, and it can be overwhelming as a smoker, but it's also completely doable, and your father in law knows this. He's just being stubborn, and a little defensive (probably thinking "we were always smoking around our kids and they're fine!!). Hang in there. I think you are right on the mark for insisting they follow the rules in your home. I would mention, though, it would be pushing it to expect them to do the same in their own home; but, like us, we just don't visit the home of our smoking relative that often because of this. Good luck!!!

Hi C.,
We have a non-smoking household and if smokers do come over they go outside. Nobody has even tried to smoke inside. They are all very considerate. The relatives that do smoke are not heavy smokers so they don't reek of smoke after they come in and wash their hands (they all do it for themselves not because I've asked them to). I think it is a little extreme to use a blanket but it's your decision. If this is what your husband and you want then they can't do much except abide by your rules. Although if you truley want a relationship with them maybe you can sit down and explain why you want a blanket between them and your kids. Don't be defensive. Maybe if they try and cut down the smoking while around the kids they won't need a blanket. Good luck.
C.

It is your house you make the rules and you enforce then for the best interests of your family. Smoking visitors are not the one missing out on work or activities or getting up in the night with sick kids. If they are real friends they will understand, otherwise the are not worth being friends. Family should understand and deal. I had to stop going to any restaurants that allowed smoking for years because my son would get ear infections within 12 hours afterward.

The issue you are describing is hopefully based on good intentions, (I hope it is not an issue with your in-laws that doesn't really concern smokey smelling clothes). However, the issue of creating a smoke-free environment for your children to the extent of making your in-laws feel like bad, dirty people, is a bit overboard. Just breathing the air outside, in your car, the carpet in your home, the preservatives in your food,(do you feed your children purely organic foods?), the flouride in your water, the toxins in your weed killer and household cleaners, all carcinogens. I could go on forever. You have chosen the cigerette smoke issue as your battle and I commend you for wanting to protect your children's lungs, but not at the cost of losing the comfort and love from thier grandparents. I would feel extremely offended if I were your in-laws. Having to put something between them and your child? It seems very insulting and will eventually make your children look at them as being dirty or not like everyone else. There is nothing as wonderful as a Grandpa holding his grandbabies. Don't let this smoke issue destroy their opportunity to lavish love and quality time on thier grandkids. I think your children will be more damaged by the loss of affection from Grandma and Grandpa, than the smell of Grandpas shirt. By the way, I am not a smoker, but I do try to avoid it when I can along with a million other bad things in our environment, but not to the extent of eliminating human love from my life. My parents both smoked and are deceased (not from smoking). What I wouldn't give right now to have a hug from my Dad and his smokey flannel shirt....

No, it is not wrong to ask people to come smoke-free, especially family. Our son was born in December and our pediatrician even said to ask anyone that holds him to wash their hands prior. You could even say the pediatrician recommended it if that would make it easier...

Your home! You want it smoke free. This is NOT unreasonable. Keep putting your foot down.
(Now, it you were asking for THEIR home to be smoke free you would be WAY out of line!!)

You are absolutely not wrong in making sure your children are safe. This is not a matter of preference, it is a matter of health. And it says a great deal about how your father-in-law does not respect you or your children with his defiance of your wishes. Not only do you have rights, but you have the responsibility to protect your children. I grew up in a smoking home and dealt with many health problems due to it, including asthma. I'm 38, & back then they claimed they didn't know the harmful effects. That excuse no longer cuts it. They know, and frankly he's being most selfish. Your children are gifts and blessings from God, protect them. You can tell him lovingly how much you love him, but you must protect your children. He knows it's bad for them and him. Not only did God bless you with your children, He will also help you protect them. He can change your father-in-laws heart as well. I will be praying for you and the situation. (You can tell I'm rather passionate about this topic. :-) )
Blessings to you and your family,
L. W.
38 year old mother of 3, married almost 15 years

Hi, I understand somewhat on where your comming from. My mother is a smoker and she does not smoke around my son who is now 2.5. However asking them to come over in "smoke free clothes" is a little much. Children don't need to be protected 100% from all those germs. They will inhale some smoke from a restaurant you may go to or a walk down the street. You also have to consider your inlaws feelings and what your asking of them

I'm also a mother of 3. They are 2,3, and 6. Two of my kids have asthma and one has several allergies. I'm sure your pediatrician has told you that how you handle their allergies and asthma in these early years will have a huge effect on the severity of their asthma and allergies down the road. It is absolutely appropriate that you require that no one smokes around your children, it could be very detrimental to their health. As far as the smell, if that is a trigger for either of their asthma (because sometimes even just a smell can do it), then maybe you could limit their time with the kids to times when you can be outside. Just remember, you can only control your behavior, not your in-laws, they will make their own choices. If they are so self centered that they don't care that they could be doing something that may harm your kids then they shouldn't be around them. It is 100% reasonable that people are asked not to smoke when they come to your home.

Hi C.! My husbands parents also smoked and his sister too. Hid dad actually will chain smoke right in front of us all. We only take the kids to visit him once a year at Christmas and he lives ten minutes away. We never verbalized our disgust or concern to him as he is one of those old generation men who don't give a rip about the effects his actions has on others. So we just don't visit with the kids. Anyways, his mom did quit smoking and is now addicted to Nicorette gum! His sister still smokes but not in front of the kids. I don't know if the toxins can be harmful from the clothing but I can understand how it would effect asthma. I don't know if you've heard of Melaleuca before but they offer nover 400 non-toxic products for your home. I am partnered up with them and if you are interested I would love to give you more info. Good luck with the in-laws though! Have a great day...

Absolutely you have aright to say you dont want smoking around your home or your children. Being I use to be a smoker 4 years ago I remember being curteous of other people who it bothered. MY best friend was allergic and I would always wear clean clothes and not smoke when I was around her. With the kids yes their your kids and sometimes grandparents think that oh its no big deal they smoked when they had kids and they turned out all right. They just dont realize that you have the right to make the decisions that are best for your kids and that they are you and your husbands choices. Hold your ground and stay firm about it.

M.
www.4parents.biz

Yes, you have a right to have a smoke-free home, and as long as they are not asking to smoke in your house, they are abiding by your rules. When grandma washes her hands and sprays herself to help with the smoke smell, why isn't that good enough? Your children are not breathing in carcinogens just by being by grandma and grandpas clothing. Yes, it stinks terribly to me, but that wouldn't stop me from hugging my grandma! Chances are, ALL of their belongings smell of smoke especially to you if you have allergies to it. My opinion is probably not the favorite, but sometimes you just have to accept peoples bad habits if you love them, and decide if they are REALLY hurting your kids or you may just be making impossible demands. After all, they are not smoking around your kids, right?

~L.

There are two words in your question that light my hair on fire: wrong and justify.

Well, frankly, you may well be wrong. That doesn't make them right. Everyone can be wrong and everyone can be right, all at the same time. Wrong has nothing to do with this.

Justify... wow. That's a hard place to stand firmly, isn't it? First you have to come up with a way that these Authorities in your life will *agree* with your house rules... Wow. Unempowered much?

It is YOUR home. If you want them to have smoke-free clothing, keep clothes for them at your house and ask them to change when they arrive. I do NOT think it's asking too much, frankly, as I agree they smell vile. If they had any respect for you at all, they'd shower, put on clean clothes and a PATCH before they came to visit. Talk about rude!!

I think you may have been the unwitting victim of some over-the-top hyperbole about the dangers of second hand smoke, though. You don't need to amplify the 'killing the kids' propaganda in order to prefer a home that smells pleasant, no matter who visits.

I wonder if it wouldn't be simpler to meet these people on neutral ground (say, a non-smoking restaurant <G>) so you have no need to control their behaviour, and they have no way of making your kids smell bad.

Hi C. -

I don't think that it's unreasonable for you to keep a smoke-free home and to be worried about your children's exposure to smoke.

However, I do think that you may be asking too much when you ask smokers to not smell like smoke or be "smoky". If they smoke, even washing their hands or placing a blanket between them and your children will not get rid of the smell or the harmful toxins. Heavy smokers have it embedded in them, their skin, hair, mouths, nails, etc.

I think that you may have to accept that they are smokers, and decide what that means for you and your children's time with their grandparents.

Is the smoking issue serious enough that you need to keep them from spending time with your children?

Maybe you could consider meeting in a neutral non-smoking place, like a restaraunt, the park (when it's warmer!) or even the library where they can read books together. That way, it's not in your home where the smell will stay - and you can allow both the kids and the in-laws to enjoy one another.

You're the mom, and you're right to be firm on your beliefs on what's best for your children... that's your job ;)Sometimes, you need to draw a line and stand behind it. Sometimes, you have to make compromises so that your children have the best all-around experience in life.

Good luck!

--R.

You are not in the wrong here. What I would do is simply lie...I know we try to teach our kids not to but sometimes you just have to with older people. Tell him that the kids have allergies(you said they have early signs) and the DOCTOR doesn't want them around the smell. Really it's not a lie, except you haven't actually called the doctor about it. If you did, the doctor would agree. Most older people consider what a doctor says to be law (in my family that is the case) so he might be more willing to comply with your request. Hope it helps!

You are not wrong, we do not smoke and our friends and family that do smoke do not smoke in our house. They are allowed to smoke outside but not in the house. We have not had anyone get upset with our request, it is an inconvience for them when the weather is bad, but that is our rule and we stick to it. We go outside in the nice weather and stand up wind of them and talk with them but we do not subject our house to the long term smells.
Good luck.

As a grandparent and a smoker, I agree you have the right to have a smoke-free environment in your home.
However, when they are in THEIR own home, that's where they live as they may as you choose to do so in yours.
I know as a smoker and non-smoker-the smell stays in your hair, clothes, house ect. Other than smoking in a different room or outside-the smell stays where it stays.
Your father-in-law is how old? And has been smoking for how long? He has to quit because he WANTS to, not because of you. Therefore if he complies by not smoking around the kids and in your home, he has done as you asked. To tell him not to smoke off your property and not in his own home-is asking too much...it is his home and not yours. Just as he doesn't ask you to smoke in his house, don't ask him to oblige to your rules in his house.

Hi C., I don't smoke either and can't stand the smell, but is your father in law loving toward the children? If he is, i think you should just ignore the fact that their clothes smell cause basically their whole house smells like smoke. But we're missing the whole point here! Children need their grandparents and as long as their not smoking in the house, I say "DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF". Life's too short.

Hi C., I truly understand where you are coming from. I too, am a non-smoker..my sister just quit smoking after 47 years! But when she or anyone else would comes to my house, it is understood right away that if you want to smoke you have to go outside and remain outside until your clothes have aired out. The fact that you have asthma and there is a possibilty that the children might should be reasons enough for grandpa and grandma not to smoke..they are missing out on fun times with the children.

I think smoking is nasty and that children should not be exposed to it. The problem you're facing is tricky, though - smokers tend to reek of smoke all the time... it's in their hair, clothes, car, furniture, etc. So even if your in-laws did not smoke prior to coming over to your house, chances are that they will still smell smoky. Maybe you could ask them to Febreeze themselves, but I don't know how much it'll help.

I was a smoker for many years. I have beeen a non-smoker for 13 years now. I make my husband smoke outside. I won't let anyone smoke in my house. Even though he smokes outside I can still smell smoke on him. Even if your in-laws would come to your house smoke free you would still smell smoke on them. There house and clothes will all smell of smoke.
Have you ever had someone give you some hand me downs and that person was a smoker. You will have to wash the clothes before you put them in your kids drawers. Even if your child has a friend come over that there parents are smokers. You will be able to smell smoke on that childs belongings.
It doesn't matter if your father-in-law comes over smoke free or not. You won't notice if he does. He will always smell of smoke.
Sorry! It's the truth. I too hate the smell and I was a smoker many years ago.
C.

No, it's your home and your children. I am a former smoker who guilts herself over it and what it may have done to her own children. Know, however, that when you smoke you have no idea that you reek as badly as you do. Honestly, many months after I quit, I'd find things buried in my closet that I'd get a whiff of and need to clean/wash to rid it of the odor. The smell makes me ill now but when I smoked I just thought people like you were rude. I admire your bravery in standing firm on your beliefs but would suggest an element of patience. At least there's effort. Don't aleniate. It's the worst feeling, I know...been there, done that!

Your home, your children, your choices, your rules. No - you are not wrong.

I agree with you completely. I am currently pregnant with my first baby. My husband's mom smokes a lot. I am wondering how to approach the issue because I don't want my baby to smell like smoke. I have thought about asking her to wash her hands before holding, but the blanket is a good idea. I am just hoping that my husband will ask. I don't want her to get mad at me.

I don't think so at all. My brother-in-law and his girlfriend are smokers and they comply with our wishes when they come to our house. Something I have found as well, since my DH and I like to out every once in a while, that anywhere we go, we reek like smoke so horribly bad that it gets to the point that we almost don't want to go out. I have found a product that I like that ELIMINATES odors, including cigarette smoke, and is safe to spray on our clothes, hair, the car, anything that reeks after a night out. Maybe if they want to smoke, they would be willing to lightly spray themselves when they're done? If not, at lease it will take the smell out of your home when they are done.
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Hi C.. I am a stay at home mom of two kids, 5 and 3 and twins on the way. I know what you mean about the smoking. My mom smoked the whole time we were growing up and used to get mad at us for complaining about it. Nothing get me going more than having to ajust what our family is doing because of smokers (restaurants, bowling allys, ect.). I HATE when people force there bad habits on me and family. I am very against smokers in general. They are everywhere and inconciderate fo non-smoker. I don't think you have gone over the top asking your family to make a few ajustments so they do not pass there stinkyness on to your family. Go luck with this.

C.,
As a daughter of a smoker and the granddaughter and niece of many smokers, I totally understand where you are coming from. I actually started my "no-smoking" ban when I was pregnant and would leave the room if someone was smoking around me. We have recently moved into a new home and with a 3 month old, the rule is no-smoking inside. For the most part, everyone has been really respective of our wishes. But at family gatherings, I am the only grandkid (with my own kids) that makes a big deal about the smoking (and end up looking like I'm being high maintenance). Here is my take on the whole issue. Your lungs belong to YOU and there is a good chance in the past 30+ years you have been overly exposed to tobacco smoke thanks to smoking in restaurants, etc. well you probably didn't have a lot to say about that when you were younger--BUT you now have the opportunity to change that for your children. I heard this statistic the other day: For every 4 cigarettes an adult smokes around the child--the child smokes one of them (or at least takes in all the toxins from one). This statistic alone should make your father in law think twice about it. My mother told me that she cried when she heard that (being she smoked around me my whole childhood). At the end of the day, what I have found is that if you have a few educated response as to why you don't want your children about smoking, than you don't end up sounding like a whiney, radical mom--instead you just sound like someone who is willing to stand up and put the health of their children first.
Not sure if this helped or not, but at least i hope you know that you are not alone in your beliefs.
Best,
s
PS--after reading some of the other responses, I will add this. I always tell my mom that at the end of the day, what really bothers me is my own fear that this terrible addiction will take her away from me and her grandchildren. The smell, etc. just reminds me of this addiction. If I had to make a choice of dealing with a smokey smelling shirt next to my son or my son not having my mom around--of course I would choose having the smokey shirt! Maybe you could just try to have a heartfelt conversation with your in-laws, where you don't complain, you just tell them from your heart that you are personally affected (with your allergies) by the smell of smoke and your just trying to make the best living situations for your kids. For the most part, as long as they are not smoking around your kids, they are at least respecting your wishes. maybe you could use flu-season to your advantage and keep an anti-bacterial sanitizer around the kids and have everyone (even non-smokers) use it before they touch the kids??? than your in-law won't feel singled out.

Hi, C.. I commend you for not allowing guests to smoke in your home. Being the only non-smoker in my family, I am generally subjected to the nasty habit, even in my own home. When your children are older, I think having a smoke-free home something they will really appreciate.

On the other hand, I think that you may be going a little far with your expectations. Your inlaws will never be completely smoke-free when coming to your home because it is something that they do all the time. That smell will always be with them, even if they have just showered and put on clean clothes.

Please realize that the chemicals and smells of smoking do not go away just because the cigarette has been extinguished. Have you ever been to their home? If you have, I'm sure you noticed the smell once you walked in the door. If they smoke in the house, their walls and ceilings probably have a tint of yellow from the smoke lingering in the home. The smell is in their furniture, carpets, walls, bedding, and even in their clean clothing. If they smoke in the car, the smell is in the upholstery of their car as well.

I think that by asking that they not smoke in your home, that is about as protective as you can be of your children and yourself without being insulting to your guests, whether they are family or not. If your guests step outside to have a cigarette, I don't think you are asking too much for them to wash their hands when they come back inside. Perhaps you could even offer them a dinner mint afterwards.

While you are protecting your children and your home by not allowing smoking inside, you may also be teaching your children to be judgemental of others. I'm not sure that is the message you are trying to send the children.

It is a fine line that you are trying to uphold in your home, and I do understand your reasoning. It is especially difficult when dealing with loved ones. Just please realize that smokers will never be smoke free when coming to visit.

Good luck with your in-laws. I hope that something I have said will help you along the way.

I think it is great that your husband is supporting you with talking to your in laws. I see that your oldest is now 4. Maybe it's time for a reminder to grandpa. I think that your house and your children deserve the respect of all. My family is full of smokers and they do not smoke in our house. They don't even smoke in their own homes when we are over there. Ask DH if he would please remind Dad, and maybe as earlier suggested, let him know that if it is a problem, you could start to meet him in public places instead of your home. I'm glad grandma is at least trying. Maybe a "thanks for...." would be in order and the next time she tries to "hide" the smell a small reminder wouldn't hurt.

Good Luck!!
K.

I do not think you are wrong!!! I myself as a smoker, have no problem going outside. I don't smoke in my home, we go outside to the unattached 2 stall garage. I also have 2 children, and this is what is best for them. That is all you are asking people to consider, what is best for your children. Never back down on that.

Hi C.,

Let me start off by saying you are not wrong to ask smokers not to smoke around your children or in your home. I feel for you and your situation, because I can only imagine the tension with your father in law. It is your right and your home, and as a non smoker myself, I'm the same way in my home. Does your husband support you with this? It's important that he stands behind you in the decision. Give it some time and maybe your father in law will come to realize that you're not trying to be mean, but you're only looking out for your childrens health, and for yours as well.

Good luck!

They're YOUR children in YOUR home. You don't owe an explanation to anyone! If your father-in-law values his smoking over being with his grandchildren, that's his choice. STICK TO YOUR GUNS!!!