Dating - Bellevue,NE

Just remember that they may get a little jealous of the time you spend with him. Afterall this is time you normally spent withthem. I wouldnt bring him into the home unless the relationship was very serious. (i had a similar situation years ago and I wish I would have taken my advice then.

S.,
I totally understand your concerns. My husband and I each had a small child when we started dating. We lived together for over a year before we finally got married - just to make sure our combined family worked well together. It also gave us a glimpse of our different parenting techniques.

Since our kids were so little, we just made the changes very slowly. By the time they actually moved in with us, they were already there all but bedtime and everyone seemed comfortable. Small steps seem easier for the kids. I think the biggest challenge was my ex - hopefully there isn't an ex-spouse who is going to feel their "former" family is being invaded. Your younger child at some point may even develop more of an attachment and refer to your new guy as "Dad". There are pros and cons to this that you might want to talk out ahead of time.

It all comes down to making sure the kids don't feel that they are being replaced as your focus - our kids had momentary feelings of this when we got a cat, so we knew that moving in together was going to be a big deal. All in all, as long as they feel secure I'm sure it will be great.

Best of luck!

Tred carefully. If you are divorced, the 8 year old especially is always going to wish you and your ex were back together. If there is no other man in the picture, the only other thing you have to watch for is the "you are not my father-you can't tell me what to do" My kids 19 and 17 loved my new husband when he was my boyfriend. They met him when they were 12 and 10. As soon as we talked marriage and moving in together they were not thrilled. My son said it was OK to have him as a boyfriend but told me not to get married. My daughter has well but my son was still quite disrespectful. What helped was listening to him and exolaining that my new husband is NOT trying to be his father. He has a father. When he thinks of him as a friend - it is better. But respect was stressed.
C. T.

Hi S.,
I actually had the same situation happen. We dated for 6 months before he moved in with me. Even though our relationship didn't work out after 3 years of living together, I found the best thing when blending a family is for your boyfriend to not disipline for at least 18-24 months after moving in. He needs to work on establishing trust and forming a bond with your children. He may uphold household rules and support you in your decisions and your disipline techinques, but to not go any further than that. I find that this also shows his commitment and dedication to you and your relationship. Best of luck to you!!

R., CLD
Oregon

I can relate 100%....I am also a single mother of two boys ages 3yrs and 7yrs. Having been through a divorce I was in no hurry to get remarried but felt a live in situation would be the best fit for me at the time. I dated Troy for nearly a year before really letting him get close to my boys. I slowly introduced them with trips to the park, movies and other planned activities. From there I allowed an occasionally sleepover that involved the kids with a fun breakfast in the morning so the boys got use to him being there overnight. From the beginning I made it very clear as did Troy that he was NOT trying to replace their father. He was not allowed to disciplne the children but would back me up on anything I needed help with. Patience is key...do not force the kids to like him or call him dad. This earned him their respect in addition to seeing how happy he made me. He got really close with my oldest son and they have become best buddies. I have date night with each child alone once a week and Troy has boy's night out with the kids once a week as well. They love the alone time and special attention from both of us. We also have family night once a week and date night ourselves. Let the kids see how happy you are and talk to them about their feelings as well as yours. It will make a world of difference.
Troy and I have been together 3years now and still live together.We haven't had time to plan an actual wedding, but it really doesn't take a wedding to complete a family and to know that you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone. We will get to it someday, but for now we are a family and this is home for all of us. Good Luck!!

I do have advice indeed. Incorporate your love in to thier lives slowly and remember that he cannot come in to their lives as the disciplinarian, that's your job. He can stand firm behind you, he cannot come in to that role.

Good luck!

Don't live with him til you're married. That way, it will (hopefully) be a more permanent situation and easier on your kids, plus a good example to set for them. Seriously, the fastest way to destroy a relationship is to not be married and live together, statistics prove that the divorce rate is higher when couples cohabitate before marriage.

I have a mixed family myself. I have two children from a previous marriage and my BF and I have a 3 year old together. One thing, even when first dating, was that I made him understand that dating me was dating 'the package', my two children as well. We work hard to make sure that each child is treated the same and that we do 'family' type of activities a lot of the time. Now, we're seven years into the relationship and it hasn't always gone smoothly, the discipline especially. Discipline is something that should be discussed before the fact so that you two adults can stand together and support the other in situations when behavior has to be corrected. Good luck with it all! M.

If you care about him and he cares about you and your kids...it is just one more person for your children to love and be loved by. Be happy...life is short!

Hi,
I have had friends go through this and I have to say that unless you guys are getting married I would not live together with the children. I just have seen couples get together and the kids get very attached and then something goes wrong and the live in boyfriend leaves. Also and I dont want to offend you or your friend but you very often hear horror stories of boyfriends abusing there girlfriends children. I just personally would shy away from exposing my children to anyone unless 100% sure and having the commitment of marriage. If you expect your kids to deal with someone new it should only be for a serious relationship. Hope any of this helps and gives you something to think about. Best of luck to you and your children.
L.

S.:

As far as incorporating him into your lives-remember it is a package deal, You and your kids...not just you. No matter how exciting reuniting may be, do NOT put the Boyfriend before your kids. Besides, at first...it will be an adjustment for them to get used to another person around besides you. Ask them how they feel about him when you are with them one on one. Children have good intuition and often see things that adults can't. I don't know how recent this relationship is, but I would give it some time before moving in with each other-a year or so-Even then, I wonder why you would live with each other unless it was a brief time before marriage. Spend time doing activities with each other and incorporate the kids on a lot of them. Time will tell if you are meant to be together as a family unit. If he has children, you will need to introduce the children to each other and have them get to know one another as well. Especially, if you think this relationship could lead to a marriage in the future. All The Best

S.
I THINK THAT YOU NEED TO TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN AND ASK THEM WHAT THEY THINK. BOTH OF YOUR KIDS ARE OLD ENOUGHT TO TELL YOU IF THEY DON'T WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOUR NEW LOVE. ALSO KEEP TALKING TO THEM AND MAKE SURE THINGS ARE STILL OK AND THEY MAKE THEM FEEL THE MOST IMPORTANT AND HAVE THEM INVOLVED IN EVERYTHING THAT YOU DO...
A.

Hi Stepanie- I can help you and give you advice from the child's point of view. I was 9 when my mother invited her boyfriend into our lives. My brother was 4 and my sister 2. I don't feel as though she did a good job easing him into the situation. My siblings and I were still dealing with the fact that our dad didn't live at home anymore.
The best advice I can give is if their dad is an active role in their lives and him not being their is still new, then ease your boyfriend into the picture. Have him go to dinner, or invite him over for dinner a few nights. Incorporate him into the children's activites, play and school. Once they see that he's active in other parts of their lives, they can begin to incorporate him into the home. Maybe one way to make it comfortable for him to stay the night, is to have a movie night and all stay up real late watching something your 8yr old would like. He'll probably fall asleep before you and your boyfriend and will remember him being there when he fell asleep. Or you could have him read the kids a bedtime story a few nights a week, and you might find the kids wanting him to read to them everynight.Just becareful with it. Your kids are still young enough that they might not remember to much of before. Let your boyfriend know that this is a longtime committment with kids. That they will always remember him, no matter if he stays around or not. Later on in their lives when talking with their friends, they'll bring him up in conversations. Hope this helps.
-E.

Hi S.,

Well, we all have our story's of dating while single. My best advise, if you kids like 'em.....then they are ok. My daughter really disliked some of the people I dated, and in the end, I wish I would of listened to her "intuition". The good thing about dating is that it teaches your kids about accepting other people, and that the family unit is not just a mom and dad, where the mom is at home full time and the marriage is perfect. Kids love unconditionally and they have no judgements. There is always going to be those disagreements between parents, just don't let the kids play both sides, let them know that you and your man are on the same team. Good Luck

S.,

I say take it slow. I watched my best friend go through this a few times (he and her husband divorced when her daughter was 2 and she just remarried a few months ago and her daughter is 13 now). In my opinion (and take that for what it is worth because everyone has an opinion! LOL), it is best to not take the step of moving in together unless both of you are willing to get married. In my experience, if you aren't committed enough to get married, at some point, you will likely be breaking up. That is hard enough to do when you don't have little ones involved!

You also want to try to negotiate things like discipline, more kids, etc... Some men can treat stepkids like their own and some can't. If the man you are dating can't treat your kids like his own, you might want to reconsider or do some couples counseling first! A stepfamily can be really good or really bad but it is a hard transition for everyone regardless.

Good luck! I hope you find happiness no matter what you decide!

T.

I have a strong opinion concerning this choice. I was raised to believe living together was �wrong�. I refused to live with anyone until I was married but (without to long of a story) lived with my now husband for two years before marrying. My son was 9 when we started living together. It was very difficult to have this �boyfriend� of mom�s coming into his space. (Less one on one time with mom, no more climbing in bed with her in the middle of the night and some else in on deciding the evenings activities along with appropriate behavior and discipline.)

I pose this question, what do you want to teach your children? If you have a daughter is this a choice you would want her to make? If you have a son would you want him to choose this option rather than marrying the person he loves? Why do you want to live together first? If you love each other why wait? If your not sure and you live together and then things don�t work out what will this do to your children?

S.-
Don't think I'm judging you but, I am very concerned for your children. Be sure you don't jump into anything with this guy...living together will effect your children more than you can imagine -especially if it doesn't work out. They then have become attached and have to move again, then what another try? Please be careful for your children's sake. Think long and hard before moving your families together. I see children every day who are constantly moved around. They never really feel secure and often have behavior issues down the road.
Good luck! H.

I really think you need to put your kids first, take this relationship really slow and don't make it semi-commited, make the whole commitment if and when the time is right.

Your kids need their mommy more than ever. Don't take time & attention away from them by entertaining your romantic intrests, ESPECIALLY with a man who would live with you without making the commitment of marriage. Your kids can (and most likely will) easily be devastated by his lack of commitment. Keep your babies first.

I have recently had the same situation. My son is 3. I would say the 3 year old really wouldn't understand what's going on, but sit down and talk to your 8 year old and see if he/she wouldn't mind if your love lived with you.