Dad Wants to Now Connect with 9 Year Old

It sounds like you really want to do what is best for your child and I commend you for that. I'd be pretty upset if I were you and I would like to hope that I could approach it with the grace you're showing in your post!

Without knowing more about your ex's request and how he's approached it, or where on the A spectrum your son falls, it's hard to understand what the best course of action would be, but here are my reactions:

I would talk with your ex (I'm having such a hard time typing "Father" in relation to someone who has not had a relationship with his son for 9 years.) and evaluate what kind of relationship would be best for your son. Then you lay down very specific ground rules and say, "You're asking a lot. If you want to do this then you will have to do it in a way that is not harmful for your son. You will stick to a routine and never ever break it. If you do, the deal is off because there is no chance in hell I'm going to give you a way into his life and allow you to hurt him. Then lay it out, when and how often he has to call, when and how often HE can fly down to see your son, when and how often he can bring his family and how they will be introduced. Let him know that this will not be done on your ex's schedule, but your son's. If things go well over the next few years you will think about allowing your son to visit him in his home.

Or if you think it's really not good for your son, I'd say, "You have made choices to not be involved in your son's life and now it is too late. You are welcome to write me for updates and I'll send you photos but the sad truth is that while you have made choices, my son has not. Through no fault of his own, he had no father in his life. He doesn't care at this point, and I will not create a situation in which he starts to care, only to feel let down in the future or hurt that you did not care for him in all these years. As long as you remain off his mind, he doesn't live with that pain. He does not know you and you do not know the first thing about him. If you did, you would know that this relationship at this point in his life would be more difficult than good for him. I hope you understand that he is not the same as other kids in many ways. He has special challenges and special gifts. He will not relate to you in the way you would like and your sudden appearance in his life would not be a positive experience for him."

I would record all conversations with him, too. I don't know about the law where you live, but in TX only one party has to know that the call is being recorded in order for it to be admissable as evidence in a custody hearing.

You've gone at it alone for this long. He doesn't have "rights" as far as I'm concerned (and I'm not the law) but your son has rights, needs and wants that his "father" needs to bow to.

Good luck to you.

Hi there,

Your question is very interesting to me, because I grew up without my biological father in my life for quite some time. I was 9 when I started asking questions about my parenthood. This was due to the fact that my adoptive father is Filipino and I'm caucasian; I grew up living with his family for years. I learned about my biological father around then and later contacted him around my 14th birthday. He had been hungry to see me and our relationship began slowly. It hasn't been easy, but I've done a lot of work in regard to identifying things that could have made this situation better.

If it were me, I would start this process with an honest "Let me talk to someone about this" answer to your son's father. And then do. If your son has specialist instructors who you consult with, ask their opinion on what might be best for your son's needs. This is perfectly within reason for any parent to do before making a transition of this magnitude with their child--consult and ask advice for how one might go about doing this. This isn't the same as saying you are fine with visitation, this is just gathering good information.

I'd also investigate my own feelings and fears about this. Counseling for one's self might help, because I'm guessing that this can make a person who has done the best to care for their child a bit vulnerable. You can't totally prepare either party for the rejection of the other, and we hate--painfully hate--to see our children hurt. So the prospect of this sort of contact can trigger a lot of feelings, including unresolved feelings one might have for a former partner. This can feel hurtful for us too.

If it were me, I'd talk to a mediator of some sort, when and if you become ready for this, and make some sort of legal arrangement. The reason for this is to make everything very clear and leave little room for ambiguity. This will help to give your son's father a good sense of your son's needs, coming from someone else besides yourself. It sounds like he's not petitioning for any custodial rights, but that he's trying to figure out how to have some sort of relationship.

I don't know who he was at the time he left your lives, but he likely feels terrible about abandoning his son, and it may not feel comfortable for him to tell you that. I don't know. You didn't mention any mental health issues or other serious factors on his part, so it might be worthwhile for you to consider his request. Take it slow and examine what comes up. I think that only your son, years from now, will know if this is of value to him, this relationship with his father, as tenative as it might sound.

It would also be good to ask his father what his motivations are and if he's done any counseling about what this might look like for him and his family now. Is this relationship something he's going to be continuously interested in and able to sustain? I ask this in particular because I know firsthand that this sort of thing is hard and discouraging. My father, I was later told, wanted to give up several times in the first years of our getting to know each other~~my stepmother, fierce mama lion that she is, refused to let him. (I have so much respect for her!) Nonetheless, he needs to consider what this might look like for everyone.

I hope that some of this has been of some help to you. I'll be thinking of you~~blessings.
H.

Normally I would say that it is almost always best for a child to know there parents, and that he is old enough to travel, ect.., ect.. but your son being autistic complicates things. Talk with the father, is he willing to travel up here to Alaska to see his son once or twice a year? How much effort is he willing to put in to make this connection happen? What level of functioning does your son have? Is he able to understand all this. Not knowing your son, and with him having a disability, there are just too many variables for me to give you any really sound advice. Sorry I could not be of more help, it is so rare to see another Eagle River mom on here!

I think that you should ask your ex what is his motive in this?Is he trying to come to term to do the right thing or there are something else more to this?I don't think it's fair for you to have to make this work considering you have been dealing with this for 9 years on your own.Autistic child does need a routine and for him to do this reconnecting is a bit frustrating for anyone let alone a child.Maybe when he was younger but now is really hard to say.If your ex can't give you a reasonable answer than I think that you should look into a law firm and protect your self and your son.Unless if your ex decided to be the one to travel back and forth than try at least to see how that work.What was the reason for him not being there through out from the begining?If it have to do with anything remotely selfish than I would suggest for you to make him work for it.But most important,see how your son is first and go from there.Good luck

Has the father paid child support all these years. Yes your father is the father figure for your son. But, if his biological father is willing to travel to see him let it happen. Just remember that autistic children need routines and his Dad is a stranger.
My niece is autistic and she can be so bombastic on the phone. I ignore her mannerisms because I love her but a new person mayn't realize that the child cannot fall into normal manners and ways of doing things without years of training.
Before there is any visit make sure this man knows he is dealing with an autistic child. He has a great deal of reading and research to do before meeting him.

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I would question why he is suddenly interested after nine years. That just seems odd. I would kindly remind him that your son needs routine and you cannot change that because he has decided to be involved after so long. Do you have sole custody? If so then you don't have to let him visit. I would spend time finding out his true intentions before disrupting your sons life. Even if the ex came to visit it can be a major disruption to routine. Good luck.