Confused on Wanting Kids-EDITED

Find a friend with a baby and offer to babysit overnight or for a weekend. The younger the better. If you still believe you want to have a baby now after that then you are probably ready to start trying.

A.,
I went through the same thing around your age. But, I didn't get married until I was 22 and I wanted to do things in the right order! I had my first when I was 26 and even then some people thought I was young! My advice sounds trite, but really will help. Get a pet. It will consume all your mothering needs for as long as you need it to. Then, when you are ready for children, you will have experience in taking care of another living things needs as well. NOT that I think having a puppy is anything like a child. But, you do get to have the responsibility and give the love. When I was 22 I got a kitten. She was my baby and filled that need for me for several years.

A., I just turned 21 and have a 5 1/2 week old. I consider myself young, but I don't think it should be age that holds you back. I was so excited to have a baby and I thought my husband was too. Now that our daughter is here he's not being the father I was thinking he would be. My advice to you is if your husband isn't ready then it may be better to wait. When your both ready then he will be more into it and be more helpful. Sometimes I feel like a single mother because I have to do almost everything. Trust me, you do not want that stress when you have a baby. Make sure your both 100% ready, you deserve it and your baby needs to come into a world where you both want it. You still have plenty of time to build your family.

I would suggest spending some time, an extended amount of time, with a young child. You are quite young and once you have a child-that's it-there is no going back. The urge will probably subside when you've been around a group of whiny children for a day or two! Perhaps you could look at being a nanny or do some babysitting until both of you are ready to take the plunge. (I just spent the whole weekend with 5 children under the age of 5 and it really does a number on ya'!)

A tip on how to make it go away is to borrow someone else's kids for the day or weekend or just spend a weekend with friend/relatives that have kids. That should be enough to atleast show you that you may want to enjoy your life a little first before you start your family. After kids everything is for the kids.

I got married and had kids at age 20. 4 years later I know it was the best thing I ever did. I have two great boys and look forward to having more. Being so young is letting me space my kids out a bit!!! So I don't have the expense of two in diapers, daycare, etc... And now I have one that can do everything on his own and one that is totally dependent on me. Follow your heart and in the mean time enjoy sleep!!!!

May I suggest reading the book "baby hunger". It may help.

Get a kitten or a puppy. That worked for me. :) But we still have the rabbit I got the last time the baby urges hit before we were ready for kids - so make sure whatever the pet is it fits into your post-baby lifestyle.

Wait, wait, wait! Kids are WONDERFUL, but they can be a challenge, and they do put a strain on even the best of relationships. I too had that feeling of wanting children right away when I was younger and newly married, but I'm so glad that we waited (we waited 13 years) before having our first. It has been just great, because my husband and I were both able to finish college and are now older, wiser and definitely better off financially to have children. We are happy parents of 2 girls.

You'll ultimately need to follow your heart and do what's right for you and your husband, but I found that waiting sure made it easier. Good luck to you. :)

You're feeling really normal tings - but I would really encourage you to take your time! You and your husband are newlyweds and should take advantage of the time you have together. Children are wonderful, but they add a lot of stress to your life! Once you make the decision to have them there is no going back! Enjoy your husband and your freedom. When the time is right the two of you will decide together that you are ready.

I completely know where you are coming from! My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years now. We got married a week before I turned 21. Leading up to the wedding and even a little after I always said we'll think about having kids in a few years. So I went on the pill for about a year and half and was so ready to have kids! Everyone would say to me oh you are so young you have forever to have kids and so on but when you know you want them that desire just doesnt go away. Well now we have been trying for over 2 years now and are still not pregnant. We did Infertility Treatments and got pregnant in A. only to lose the baby in June. Even after that people are like you still have so much time and so on. So in short you have to do what is right for you guys and not listen to what others may think is right for you. When you guys are ready you will just know it and hopefully you guys will have luck right away!

Hi A.,

I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I were married a little over a year when I told him I really wanted to have a baby. Turns out we ended up getting pregnant shortly after that (not really on purpose, more by chance). I was lucky that the pregnancy was not too challenging for me and even the delivery went fast. Now that Mollie is here I wouldn't change things for the world. But, there are days I miss being able to sleep in if I want to or go run errands at the drop of a hat. Your life revolves around your child. Our situation is a little different because I am now 30 and my husband is 37 so we are quite a bit older than you and your husband. I know that when I said I wanted to get pregnant my husband felt we should wait. It seemed like no one could change my mind. Hindsight though I kind of wish we had waited a little longer so we could have had another year just to be a couple before adding the demands of a baby into our lives. Having children is such a Blessing but once you have one you are a parent for life. Because you and your husband are the ages you are my advice would be to give it another year. Maybe you can do like I did...get a pet first! :) I hope this advice helps a little. Good luck with your decision!

~A.

The baby urge is a strong one! I don't think that age is as much the issue as just being ready. As many say, are you ever REALLY ready? No! Having children is incredible. But it has also been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It puts an incredible amount of stress on a marriage. You basically lose your previous identity and any time for yourself or your marriage. It's a lot of work to find time for yourself and your spouse. It's easier if you have a great support network...but it still can be tough.

Personally, I would recommend taking this time now to continue to build an incredible relationship with your husband. I do think borrowing someone's child for the weekend is a great idea! Especially a baby who is not sleeping through the night:) In another year or 2, reevaluate!

As for helping the urge...perhaps volunteering around children. Church nursery's always seem to need help. Or even doing some babysitting as a side job. Also, starting up another hobby or something to get your mind focused on something else.

Good luck. When both you and your husband are ready, it'll be the most incredible thing ever.

I know you got tons of responses but I just have to add that when deciding to have a baby don't forget that there is also an element of faith. You will never know if you're financially set. Some decide to get their careers set first and others put their careers on hold 'til mommyhood is set. Talk to your husband, mine surprised me and it made so much sense to be a mom first. Good luck.

Can I just say, even though you are young...it doesn't mean that the feelings you have shouldn't be taken seriously by you, or anyone else. Talk to your hubby about it. There is no turning back once you go forward so even though you are ready, make sure he is too or there could be some serious complications to your relationship. Take your time on the decision. I agree with the other poster and try spending some time with some children...young ones. That can be some GREAT birth control, or...help you understand your feelings. Of course, your own kids will bring you different feelings than that of someone you know, but maybe it'll help you decide in your heart if you're ready for that step in your life, physically, emotionally and mentally. :)

A., I would recommend that you first of all discuss this with your husband. You both need to be on board when considering adding a new member to your family. The two of you should consider attending a Natural Family Planning class - check with any local Catholic parish to find when and where they are offered. This helps the two of you plan your family together and it protects you from many risks associated with chemical contraceptives. You will fnd that it strengthens your marriage as well since it is something you do together. You decide together each and every month whether that is the month to try to get pregnant. I wish you the best of luck - motherhood is wonderful - a real gift form God!

S.

You're not "too young". Many people are mature enough at 20 to have children, and others aren't mature enough at 40. Age should not factor into your decision. I wasn't ready the first time at 17, and I wasn't ready this last time at 38. Both were surprises, and I wouldn't change that for anything. Financial stability is overrated as well. Too many young women think "I can't give my child the best yet". The "best" is love, security, and encouragement. The best doesn't come from a mall or in a pair of Nike's. "Things" do not make the "best" for a child; a loving, encouraging family does.

If you're ready, if you want them, then go for it.

Wait until your husband is ready too! I think getting a pet is good advice...I have two cats, adopted during my baby fever. Go spend some time with your godson. You will get all the benefits of playing with and adoring a child, but you can still go home at the end of the day...and sleep through the night! I think you will always have that not quite ready feeling until you have your own kids, but if your husband is a definite "no" right now, then it's better to hold off. You both have to be ready for the challenge!

I would watch this video even if you don't like country music. It is youre gonna miss this by Trace Adkins. No matter where you are in life you usually want what you can't have and then after you get it you wish it were back the other way. No matter what you choose just enjoy the moment.

http://www.cmt.com/videos/trace-adkins/217378/youre-gonna...

Hi A.,

I married young as well (22 my husband was 23) and we will have been married 8 years this Sept. We just had our first child 4 wks ago, so I wanted to respond to your post.

I loved be a young married couple, but we were incredibly broke at the time. You wouldn't believe how much difference even 2 yrs will make for you financially and emotionally. We were able to purchase our first house when I was 24. There is NO way we would have been able to do that if we had started a family when we were first married. Also, I am on a 12 wk PAID maternity leave because of the length of time I have been at my job.

I completely understand the need when you want to have a baby. And please, I am not trying to be "preachy" but if you wait even 2 yrs (heck, 1 yr) it will be so much easier when the
baby does come. Funnel the drive for having a child into getting ready for one. Set up a 401k, get 3 months savings, look at the costs of setting up a nursery. Your dream nursery (and you will want it!) could be very expensive. Start saving and eating a healthy diet now. The drive might come from wanting a project/goal. Make a plan and start working towards it. That way, you can give your child the world when they get here. Please excuse the long post, I really have been there and I get over zealous with advice!

A.,
I am not 27 years old and have been married for 5 years. I we have 3 girls. 4yrs, 2 1/2 and 16mos. So as you can tell I too was "young" when I start and my husband and I got married in May and by Aug. I was pregnat. My thoughts are some people are born with a desire to have children more than others,I knew I was going to be a Mom and couldn;t wait for that!! As for you husband not wanting children yet, my husband never said ok I am ready,didn't say much ,but when I say him with our first and even now with all the girls....he's the best. I say Respect him!! It's important for BOTh of you to be on the same page! Hope this helps and God bless you on your jounry to mother hood!!

I waited until I was 36 to have a baby and I am so glad I waited. Even though we were financially set to have a baby, there are a ton of unexpected costs that come up. Also, in my twenties I spent time getting my career together and traveling...two things you cannot do when you have a baby.

Believe me, I had plenty of baby fever when I was in my 20s and 30s but just try to be logical about it. It's not about you, it's about what's best for the baby. And what's best for the baby is for both parents to be ready for parenthood. A baby needs two parents who will cherish and appreciate that child and be patient and be willing to make all the sacrifices that are necessary when raising a child. Your baby deserves that.

My suggestion would be to babysit your godson for a weekend. Take him Friday night and return him Sunday night. That might cool down the baby fever...especially if he's up in the middle of the night.

I'm not sure exactly what causes that drive (I know I had it too). But my suggestion is if your husband is not ready, honor that and wait. You haven't been married that long yet, give yourself another year maybe and then see if your husband is on board. You can keep making little suggestions or encouragements (like, comment on how good he is with kids and how you're looking forward to having kids of your own etc.), and maybe he'll warm up to the idea sooner than later.

A., It seems like you have "covered all the bases" in areas that are within your control... My advice is to stop ignoring/ pushing aside your urge and go for it. You are in a commited relationship and that is so important. I am a firm believer that someone has "plans" for us within our lives and maybe there is a reason you want to be pregnant now. It could take time and you are right, you are never "financially ready." I was almost 24 when I became pregnant with my son, I was not married and in a questionable relationship with the father. Everything happens for a reason, 3 kids and almost 3 wedding anniversaries (with the father) later, I am a living example. I was living it up, working full time as a store manager, and enjoying the new and evolving relationship with my (now) husband. I always wanted to have children, even at a young(er) age, and grew up babysitting/ nannying all the time. It was our time. Nick (my hubby) was at the same point in his life as I was, we decided to embrace my being pregnant, especially in light of a lot of fertility problems on my side of the family. As they say, the rest is history. I am glad we are young(er) with kids, we have the energy, maybe not the extra money, but lots of love to go around. I know, love doesn't pay the bills, but we make ends meet. At the end of the day I could be making a lot of money at a job I didn't like, as could my husband, but I get to do the greatest, most fun job of all, stay home with my kids, day in and day out...
So I guess my advice is follow your heart. Maybe there is a reason you cannot shake your maternal instinct, whatever that reason may be. You are many steps ahead many people since you have a partner to support you emotionally (?!). Good luck. J.

A little about me: I am a SAHM of 3, Nicky (3 1/2), Sophia (2 1/2) and Gianna (9 mos.) I love the everyday chaos of our life and so does my husband of almost 3 years. I wouldn't trade spending everyday with my kids for a million dollars...

A.,

I know you have a lot of women respond already but I just wanted to let you know my personal expierence. I am 25 and in the last 2 years I have graduated from college, got married, bought a house, found 1st job, and had 2 kids now ages 2 and 10 months. I can honeslty say neither child was planned nor were my husband and I ready.

Times have been rough, we are constantly working mulitple jobs, daycare is the main expense that kills us: $900 a month for 2 (that's a mortgage payment), and our friends our going out and on vacations (We didn't even get a honeymoon).

However, I know it is just going to keep getting better. I keep thinking of our future and when we are both 42 our kids will be 20 and we can now party and should have the money then to do so. I figure I am younger I have more energy I can work hard now and play later. I do not want to be 50 with my kids still in high school.

Having kids changes everything about you, the way you think, the way you drive, the way you care for yourself and defiantly the way you spend money. Most people spend what they make anyway so you will adjust. We have made it so far and looking forward to those raises every year.

Having kids when you are young and just married can be tough but when you make it through this stage you can make it through anything. I love my daughters and do not regret having them at 22 and 23. I want to see them grow up get married and have kids and still be young enough to enjoy these moments.

No one is ever 100% ready to have kids and when you do it just all falls into place.

M.

Having children is an expression of faith. (faith in the future, faith in your self and your marriage...). Your body wants to, it is a natural biological drive. The longer your fight your body, the harder it will be for you.

If you are a religious person pray about it and follow your heart. Do what you feel is right for you and your family.

I had that same strong feeling that I needed to have children when I was 21. We were newly married and it was driving me nuts to not be taking steps toward having children. My best advice is to get a really great spider plant. I'm not joking. Spider plants are hearty you can care for it and start new plants from the runners. This procreation hobby kept me busy and made me feel fruit full. When you feel so strongly about some thing you need to plan out tiny steps toward making it a reality. So maybe you are not ready to be parents today, but maybe you are saving for a house, once you have a house you can make some basic preparations, and while you are working toward having babies you will have some peace. I was married when I was 21 and had my first baby when I was 26, it felt like forever. My husband was overly practical about the being mostly ready and it worked out well. I think it is good to have a strong marriage because having babies adds stress, but I also feel that it is healthy to have babies when you are young enough to keep up with them. So don't let age stop you. Talk to your Dr. about planning a pregnancy so you can prepare you body, take little steps toward you goal so you feel successful, and let your husband know that you are being logical and at the same time you need him to know how difficult it is for you to wait, so he can support you and understand why you have 300 little baby spider plants.
Best of Luck!
A.

Hi A. -
More and more people are having kids in their late 20s, early 30s. There is a reason for this. You are in the stage now of finding out who you are. You and your husband need time to grow as a couple. Kids change your life completely. My husband and I cannot finish a conversation when the kids are around. There is no time for you. I don't know if you are around babies alot, this can charge up the wanting a baby. Please consider, and talk it over with your husband. I think you should just enjoy couplehood for now. And cherish this time when it is just you and him.

It looks like you have a lot of good advise already. I didn't read every response, but figured I could also add to the list. I just had my first child a week before my 30th birthday and my husband is 31. Our daughter is nearly 5 months old and it definitely has changed our lives. We had our reasons for waiting 4 years after being married... we were living in Chicago and wanted to get back to Wisconsin before having kids was one reason. (We knew we'd be trying to move back north and didn't want to move with a little one and also wanted to bring our kids up in the northern Wisconsin we grew up in.) We also wanted time to be a couple and I'm sure glad we did.

If life was perfect, I'd probably have had the first child a year or two ago, but don't regret our timing either. We're financially secure, had our chance to travel together as just a couple and get our careers really on the right track before dealing with maternity leave and juggling daycare.

Kids are the greatest blessing, but they certainly change your life! You no longer come first and your to-do list never gets done on your schedule anymore. I'd say enjoy another year of marriage and then start trying for kids. I'd suggest starting to take an over the counter prenatal multi-vitamin now. That way whenever you decide you are both ready, your body will be ready. (And in case you would have a surprise pregnancy, you're body is also ready since it's most beneficial early in pregnancy.)

If your husband isn't ready, I'd definitely say wait. I honestly have even more respect for single parents now that I have my own child. There are times when I am so glad I can ask my husband to watch our daughter for an evening so I can get a break. If your husband isn't ready, he may not be as willing to jump in and share parenting responsiblities yet either and it's a lot to take on solo.

A.,

I have two responses, depending on the situation. If "too" young" and "not financially prepared" and "not ready" means that a couple lives with their parents, doesn't have employment and their relationship is in constant turmoil, then yes, don't have babies yet. I highly doubt that is your situation.

Age...I have seen very mature people handle children in their early twenties and do wonderfully. I have seen immature people in their 40's who are a disaster, especially with children. I don't think a number has much to do with it when you become an adult. It's our choices and our judgement.

Finances...Think of how many truly incredible people this world would have missed out on if everyone waited until they had financial security to have babies. Do you need to have employment and some eduacation - absolutely. Although some make it work just fine, I would add health insurance to that list. But you don't need retirement yet. You don't need a college fund right off the bat. Or the minivan. Or the big house. Or the designer nursery. You work up slowly.

Every "child cost estimator" I have read has been blown way out of proportion for the sake of media shock. You can cut corners all over the place if you really need to. Borrow baby gear or pick it up at garage sales or on Craig's list. Get their clothes by the box on eBay. Use generic diapers and make your own baby food. Clean your home with baking soda, vinegar and lemon juice (environmentally better and WAY cheaper than cleaning supplies from the store.) Cook from scratch. Get rid of cable and the gym membership. Have cell phones or home phones, but not both. Rent movies more than you go out, or see a matinee. If you closely examine your needs versus your wants and cut where you must, you can do it.

When my husband and I had our first baby, I quit working and his gross income was $27,000 per year. We lived comfortably and with the exception of the mortgage, we had absolutely no debt. Our lifestyle wasn't luxurious, but we had our own home and everything that we needed and a modest lists of "wants" too.

If it was me, I would ask my husband whether or not he feels ready and why. Try to see where he is coming from. See what you can work out together so that you both feel comfortable and ready. Does he want to travel with you a little first? Does he want to get out of your current neighborhood and into one that is more family friendly? Do children just scare or bother him?

And yes, your life does drastically change after kids, but for the better if you are ready. And it can't be "all about the kids" all the time. Have dates with your husband once a week (even if a walk around the neighborhood while a friend stays with the baby is all you can afford.) Put your children on a solid schedule so you still have time together every night after they go to bed. Keep up a couple hobbies, exercise at home before they wake up, go to a girls night out occasionally. (I have 4 kids under the age of 8 and can say from first hand experience that this is totally reasonable.) My husband and I talk Grandma into staying with the kids for a few days after I wean one baby but am not yet pregnant with the next. A little vacation gives us a chance to regroup and be alone together for a little while. And we are always so happy to see the kids when we get back.

I doubt this feeling you have will ever really go away. It is a natural instinct to want to bring children into the world and care for them. Best of luck with your family whatever road you go down.

S.

I felt the exact same way as you and went for it. I had my daughter at 21. I don't regret it and love being a mom. She has brought me more joy and happiness and filled that void in my life. I am a great mom but do see alot of mom's my age as very immature etc. It depends on what type of person you are. I'm independant and mature always been a helper type of person taking care of my siblings etc. My goal was also to be married w/kids by 25. I wanted the family more than I wanted a career or the single life.

With that being said I'm pregnant due this fall where I will be 28 this time and I'm so much more relaxed, patient, and have a better handle on things this time around. As far as being more financially stable that hasn't changed a bit, the only thing this time around is maturity and patience that's about all I've gained. And did I gain that from age or from being a mom I dunno.

Think about it, if your urge doesn't go away and husband is on board go for it.

Hello A., Well this should be a "mutual" decision between you and your husband, but since your having the "maternal instincts" get a puppy for now, enjoy the time you have alone with your husband, because once you have children it's all about them and the time you get to share with your husband is very limited!!
I was married and had my first child by your age, love every minute don't get me wrong, but if I could do it over I would have gotten a better education and a better job.
To each is his /her own as they say, just my advice.

Good Luck and enjoy:)

A.,

I can appreciate your desire to get pregnant, you are a women after all! What you have to ask yourself is are you ready for everything children bring, good and bad. You loose all of your time alone with your husband. My husband and I were only married for 5 months when we found out we were pregnant. I wouldn't change my children for anything, but what I do wish is that I had more time for just me and my husband. You are still in the honeymoon stage, enjoy it as long as you can!
One more suggestion is to definitely wait until your husband is ready as well, he will be a much better father if he is ready! Kids are wonderful, but definitely worth the wait!!! Think of how much sweeter it will be when you get pregnant since it is something your heart has longed for. There is a time for everything under the sun, enjoy this time alone with you husband, you will not get that back for a long time!

We started trying to conceive when I was 22 years and 3 months old. We had been married for a year and three and a half months. We were finacially stable though. We had our own house. If you are not finacially stable I wait until you are. But from what I hear the first child NO MATTER what age you are is difficult. And I have baby fever and even though I've been through one child, I bet the second child is going to be difficult the first five months too, but at least I'll know what to expect. I'd babysit young kids in the mean time maybe to get the feel of it if I were you. Good luck!

I had a child at 19yrs old and believe me it was a struggle. It was not planned but a true blessing. However, I really wish I would have been more careful because I struggled finacially and I wanted to do stuff with my friends, etc and I couldn't. Being a Mom at a young age is very trying and you can't go backwards. If your husband isn't ready, don't push the issue, it will make things worse and he may become resentful later on if he's not ready. Save $$. I have a 8 month old now and it costs about $200.00 a month just in diapers and formula (cheaper if you breastfeed)I think you might be anxious to start a family but put yourself in perspective and wait if you both aren't truly ready - it will be worth the wait!!

My husband and I were married pretty young (22)and we decided when we got married that we would wait 5 years before trying to having children. After our 3rd anniversary I started feeling the urge for a baby and it was all I could think about. I sat down with my husband and we talked it through. We decided that we would wait one more year and then start trying...once we had a "plan", the urge was not nearly as strong and my husband and I tried to do as much as we could in that year. We traveled, went to all the events and parties we could and just had fun together. We started trying right after our anniversary and Ella was born 9 months later. (3 months before our 5th wedding anniversary)

The time we had as a couple was very beneficial to us. Children are wonderful and I now have 2 beautiful little girls but they do put a strain on your relationship and your finances at times and it really helps to have a strong bond with your spouse. I was 27 when my first daughter was born and 30 with my second. I think I was mature and ready for children and my husband was 100% on board because we were both "ready" when the children came along.

I would talk to your husband and see what he thinks. He might surprise you.

Good Luck!

I was married at 21 years old (hubby was 23) also! I too had the baby urge right away. My husband and I talked it over, looked at a couple of friends who had kids at young ages or early in their marriage, and decided it was best for us to wait. We wanted time together on our own before we were "tied down" with children. I also realized that my urge to have a baby was because now that I was married, it was considered "ok" to have a baby. Date, get married, have a baby...isn't that the way it's suposed to be? We had our first child 5 years after we were married (I was 26) and are currently expecting our second. We don't regret waiting at all!!! We had tons of fun together, took trips, and did things that aren't easy once you have children. Most importantly we "grew up" a bit together and got to know each other more! Having a child changed our marriage completely-- Mostly in good ways but a few in bad ways. Children are not easy and take a lot of work! Ultimately the decision is between you and your husband, but as everyone else said, once you have a child, there's no going back. Realize that you are by no means too young or too new in your marriage to have a child, but there's nothing like having some time to yourselves to have fun before children!!

A.,
IF you are questioning this, and our husband has said he's not ready, wait. Enjoy the time you have together right now, just the two of you. I had my first when I was 25 (he's 17 from a previous marriage) and next at 35, 37 and 39. You have the rest of your lives together, so wait til you are more financially stable, you won't regret it.

Maybe it's a combination of loving your godson and taking birth control-the hormones of pregnancy?

I went through something very similar when I was 24 yrs. old. In honest, my husband and I had many fights about it. I knew that ideally we wanted to wait at least another year (preferably two), but the drive was just so strong...I felt ready.

After about 6 months of back and forth discussions my husband said lets just give it a go and see what happens. We didn't "actively" try to get pregnant, but we stop trying to prevent it. It took us a little over nine months and once we both settled into the idea -- it was a particularly enjoyable time in our marriage.

I am now 27 (hubby 28 TODAY) and we have a beautiful 21 month old son. Although I've always had a good job, until 2 months ago I did not have one that paid well -- I work in nonprofit. Also my husband is in his final year of PhD school -- so needless to say MANY people thought it was "poor planning" on our part.

I will be honest and say that the first year of our son's life was the HARDEST in the ten years I've been with my husband (only married for 5), but neither my husband or I would change ANYTHING.

We do not have a house, but we have a nice 2 bedroom apartment. Would we like our financials a little easier -- sure, but the thing I've learned is that you ALWAYS find a way.

I say keep talking to your husband and start crunching the numbers. Before we went ahead and tried to get pregnant we looked at daycare costs, diapers and what our insurance was going to cover. Also, if you don't live near family (we don't) that can make things a little tougher -- it is nice to have help.

Not sure where you live, but if you are near Milwaukee, I'd be happy to meet for coffee to chat more.

Good Luck!

Of course you're going to have a strong desire to have children, it's pretty normal to feel that way, at least I did when I was your age. But give yourself some time to be free from those responsibilities.

I tell all my young friends that the best thing that ever happened to me was that, through fate, I had my daughter later in life - I was 35 when she was born. I spent those years after school traveling the country and building two different careers and growing a bit more wise. When I was young I was determined to have children young, because my parents were older and I hated the age gap, but as I matured I realized how blessed I was to have older parents because I seen the flip side, friends who had young parents had it generally worse for a variety of reasons. And as I aged that age gap between my parents and I has been mitigated by my growing up.

As a daycare provider I am completely overjoyed to get children in my home that have older parents or are being raised by their grandparents. These children come to me better dressed and cleaner, more secure, confident and polite. I have an easier time dealing with the parents of the child too.

When you are hit by that desire to have children just think about this time as perfecting yourself and your relationship to your husband so that when you do bring children into the world they will be better off for the those intervening years. They might be embarrassed be your clothes and music but think it cool that you did things before they were born. When I dragged out the old photo albums my daughter was amazed by all the places I had seen and lived and all the things I had done. She even shows the pictures to her friends. I guess I am one old, out of date, but very cool mom to her.

I wanted to respond because I've been where you are. My husband and I met when we were 18 and 21 and married at 20 and 23. Everyone thought we were very young. I had a big urge to have kids even before we were married, but we said we had to wait until we were done with college which I never did finish and it took my husband 16 years to get his BS parttime. We ended up waiting 4 years, during which time we spent a lot of time together doing couple things even though our life wasn't that exciting. When one of his cousins who had been married longer than us got pregnant for the first time, I remarked how I wish that was us, and he said well then let's do it. We were both very ready. It took us 9 months of trying to get pregnant and then I had a miscarriage. The next month I got pregnant with our first child. Even though we'd been married four years, many people I worked with casually (I worked at a large university hospital) thought I was a young unmarried college student who ended up pregnant. Next week we will have been married 15 years and have 4 kids ages 11, 9, 6, and 2 and still would like more, but we are "waiting" again because life just isn't right for another child right now even though we both feel the urge. Lately I have been thinking nostalgicly back to those first 4 years and I really miss the time I was able to spend with my husband. I love my kids but they really become your life. I know they will be grown before I blink though. Give your marriage some time. Get to know your spouse and grow up together. I thought we were all grown up but emotionally I know that I wasn't. And you are also still young enough to wait. I know we can't wait too much longer for number 5, because I already feel "old" at 35.

A., my husband and I met late in life. We started having kids right away. We wish that we had met at least ten years ago, then we would have been able to spend some time together before the hecktic life with kids started. We love our kids, but there is significantly less time to talk and spend time together with the hubbie. My two cents.......
deb

A.. I understand how you feel. Planning a family isn't always an easy decision. People's lives go through many stages. Just because that WAS the plan doesn't mean that it can't change. Plans change all the time. Talk with your husband about your feelings & how strongly you want this.

I know this sounds kinda silly but in the meantime get a puppy. A puppy needs alot of attension & care & love. It also gives you UNCONDITIONAL love!! This may help those maternal instincts you are feeling right now.

Can I just say, do what your heart tells you. If you are ready, you're ready. You never know what tomorrow brings. All these people who want to "wait" till later scare me. What if something happens to you? What if when you finally start trying, you find out you have fertility problems? You would miss out on what I think is one of the greatest joys in life...make that THE greatest joy in life. I know too many people who have had fertility problems and have spent years upon years just trying to have a baby somehow.
I myself had the experience of being diagnosed with cancer at age 20 and again at 21. You bet your butt that after that, I figured out what was "important" in life. It wasn't money, it wasn't "MY career", it wasn't "MY time to travel...MY, MY, MY... It was having a family. It was experiencing the miracle of life, what unconditional love is, a piece of you being carried on forever! After being given the all clear, I had my first child at 23, and my second child at 26. I have been married for 8 years. I don't regret a single thing in my life, and I wouldn't change anything, including having had cancer. I feel so lucky to know this "little secret" of life. I am always wanting to tell everyone so maybe they might figure it out too. And I figure when the kids get into or maybe even out of school, THEN I will worry about ME and what I am going to do. I don't even know what I would want to do now...I even have a degree from college, but I don't want to do what it is for!

Money is tight, especially since I stay home with them, but it all depends on what you are willing to sacrifice(which is just for a brief time). Before you know it, they will be grown. It seems like just yesterday my son was born, and he starts kindergarten this year. It is all in how you look at it. ATTITUDE. If you choose to be stressed out by your kids, you will. If you choose to think you have NO freedom, you won't. Your life is what you make of it.

Oh, and by the way...the whole "borrow someone else's baby" doesn't work. It may show you a little bit of what parenting is like, but it is COMPLETELY different when it is your OWN child.

I am looking forward (hopefully) to only being in my 40's and having the kids grown and out of the house...rather than being in my 40's with a couple of toddlers running around! They take ALOT of energy...which diminishes through the years.

The only reason I would say wait, would be because your hubby says he doesn't want any. You both should be ready. However...make sure he WILL be ready sometime soon. You don't want to put it off...only to have him keep putting it off. I know my situation is a little different than yours...but bad things can happen to anyone, anytime.

DO work on getting prepared and being educated in the mean time...it couldn't hurt? Whatever you do decide, I wish you the best of luck, and may GOD bless you and your family!

Sorry to anyone who is offended by my thoughts, but I had to get it out. I just feel REALLY strongly about life!

A.,
Hey there. I'm one of those folks who wanted kids at your age, but I didn't even have a partner. The way I handled the yearning was to immerse myself in things that really satisfied me and I didn't normally take time to do. I think sometimes that yearning for babies is about bringing something new into your life. Also, I just had my first baby at 32yrs old after 4 years of marriage and 6 years of dating him before that. I have to say, we paid off all our debt but the house and finally got on the same page about wanting a baby before we did it and even though we had problems getting pregnant, I am SO glad that we waited till we both felt the timing was right and we were financially stable. It was like the perfect gift with the whole world feeling very right. I think if we'd done it any earlier for us it wouldn't have been such a perfect experience...and it makes all the normal stresses of having a baby much more manageable. PM me if you want to talk more. good luck in your processing.
S.

I got married at 20 and we decided to wait and have kids after we graduated from college and had good jobs. I got pregnant the year we graduated and had my first child when I was 24. We had our second child when I was 27. I don't think you can ever be financially read. We weren't when we had our son. I had a good job but my husband was a substitute teacher and the teacher he was filling in for came back and so he was unemployed before my son was born. We didn't even have a house. Finally when my son was a couple of months old we bought a house and both got good jobs. It was a struggle for a while though. Have you talked to your husband about how you are feeling? Also I would take the suggestion of someone else and maybe babysit your godson in the mean time.

Hi A.,

Bless your heart and hugs to you. I completely understand how you feeling. The mothering instinct is very natural. But you pretty much spelled out why you should wait. I am very glad that I waited until my 30's. Not saying you should wait that long, but for me that was a good choice. If you know your husband isn't ready for kids and you get pregnant there will be resentment. And it's not fair to the child to be brought into the world where one parent isn't totally on board with the idea. A new baby in the house is a HUGE transition and WILL turn you life with your husband into something completely different. We had to redefine ourselves and find a groove again so to speak. It was an eye opener to say the least. Just know that down the road in the future you will be able to. it's not like it's not an option. Till then, spend time with your godson, get your life in order financially and you and your hubby on the same page. You don't want to add to what will be a beautiful AND stressful time. You will need the energy and won't want to deal with anything else that you don't have to.

I was married for 9 years before we had our little girl, and although I was feeling that "urge" years before, I'm now glad we waited. That way my husband and I were both completely ready ~ mentally, financially, emotionally, etc. I was 33 when I had her and I wouldn't have changed anything. My husband and I did a lot of traveling before we had her and had our fun, so we don't feel like we're "missing out" now. Obviously, it's a very personal decision, but it WILL change your life in ways you can't even predict.

I completely agree with the response to get a pet. This will fulfill many of your emotional needs and give you some "practice". And if you go through a shelter, you'll be helping out a needy animal that could give you a lot of love!

A., the feelings you have are pretty normal! i went through it in phases when i was younger. it's not bad to have your kids early, but personally i think waiting is best. The time you have with your husband you will NEVER get back. i am now 33 and to have any alone time, we need a babysitter. i love my kids, i love my family..but i loved when my husband and i could hop on a plane for a spontaneous trip; or staying bed all saturday or whatever. don't rush it. this time is a gift. also, there are MANY people who are financially ready. have you looked into the cost of having a baby? one income or childcare? You are in a position to start preparing financially for your babies, and that is so wise. it will give all of you the best start to have all your needs taken care of WITHOUT WORRY! money isn't everything, and babies don't need it to be happy...but it is important! try babysitting a little or volunteering in the church nursery or at a hospital? also, if you can, the timing should work for both of you (though we know sometimes babies come when they want!)
good luck!
J.

Hi A. -

I was bit by the baby bug at around age 24 and it never really went away. It has lessened now since I have a child, but I sometimes still yearn for another child. So, I understand how you feel.

I think that just being married and having friends having kids makes the desire to have kids stronger in some people. Even though it is not the "right" time now, you can still prepare by taking folic acid and preparing financially. We practiced paying for daycare by putting money into savings each week equal to what daycare would cost. Once we stopped noticing it, we knew we were ready and had money for the maternity leave and baby stuff.

You are lucky to have your Godson so close. He can help fill the need now.

Best wishes to you!!!
H.

hm. im afraid that i dont think it will ever get away. however, make sure that its a decision that you and your husband make together. theres nothing wrong with starting now, you might not get pregnant for up to 6 months, and then you still have 9 months before the baby is here, so... it will be a while once you start trying. (God willing there are no other problems)

remember this, you will NEVER be financially ready, you will never be "too young" at 22 and 23 years old. however, theres nothing wrong with building a marriage before you have a child. so many people have children before or immediatly after marriage, and they never get that chance to be husband and wife alone together, building the foundation that a child would need! :D
so dont hurry it, God will let it happen when its time. make sure you keep communicating it with your husband, pray about it, and just understand that it might take time, and no one is ever "ready" to have a baby until you have it!

another thing to remember; educate yourself NOW about the whole procedure. read books on pregnancy - i HIGHLY recommend anything by william sears, www.askdrsears.com - you can find his books used on amazon or something like that... make yourself as ready as you can before you get that far. that way you know what to expect. interview and choose a doctor or ob-gyn beforehand, and have an appointment where they will check your general health and put you on a prenatal vitamin... and do any other pre-pregnancy education etc.
TAKE BIRTHING CLASSES ONCE YOU ARE PREGNANT! these are VITAL to the birth experience you have. it may seem scary to watch or read things about birth, but this is one of those times when there is no such thing as too much education.
dont watch those stressful birth stories shows on tv, they are not the typical birth, and they are edited for tv, so you wont get a good idea of what the process is like.

again, above all, educate yourself. you might decide that you cant take it all right now, that you need to wait and have some more freedom. after all, a baby is a LIFECHANGING experience that you cant take back... so make sure you fully understand the time, work, energy and everything that a baby requires emotionally. make decisions now about how you want to raise a child, and what you will do if you decide to stay home with baby (i opened a day care in my home and started an usborn books at home business so i can be home with my son!)

realize the kind of mom you want to be, and the time energy and etc it takes to do that.

join a local moms group to volunteer, ask your local hospitol if they need someone in the maternity ward to volunteer to hold babies or something, volunteer at a school, or church childrens groups, babysit someones baby overnight.

its really mindblowing all the time babies require, especially if you want to raise emotionally healthy children.

i am available and willing to give you more information, talk to you about having a kid... etc. i am dedicated to making sure kids have the best start they can, and i would like to share with you my experience! :D
im also interested to know where you are from ... im in "far north" minnesota... but not as far as canada or anything.. but send me a message if you want to talk more! :D

Hello A.,

Congrats on your anniversary!!

I have only 2 questions for you:

1. Have you finished college?
2. Do you and your husband have secure jobs with benefits and future potential?

If so, what are you waiting for?

If not, think about what you want your children to have for their own futures. Kids learn from the examples in their lives and will mimic EVERYTHING you do. I know being a mother is a wonderful experience, but it is a lot of work. I am extremely glad I had these things in place befor having children because you have NO TIME to do them afterwards.

Take care.

Hi A.,

Personally, I don't think that you are too young to have children, but I do think that both you and your husband should agree on this happy event. I had my first child when I was just 21, and my husband was 24, and our second child when I was 24 and he was 27. We enjoyed almost every minute of parenthood, and now are enjoying time with just the two of us again. If your husband seriously wants to wait another 1 1/2 - 2 years you will still be ready then, and maybe he will be even more ready. You are right about the money...if you wait until you think you are financially ready you will never have kids, so don't use that as a guideline. My husband and I were married for 2 1/2 years before our first child was born and I think the time the two of you have together before you have children is important, too. Make this decision together just like you should make all of your important decisions together. Have a happy life together.

C.