Co-parenting with Unreasonable. What Would You Do?

It's too bad but it's his weekend so why don't you see if you can make it better to her by finding another 5K that the 2 of you can run together or that she can run with a friend or 2 who is (are) in the program with her.

Sucks that you can't work it out. Remember this when he asks to switch weekends. Let him. Work together.... Be the bigger person.

Or offer to let him take her and you stay behind.

I would NOT make her miss the race, switch weekends or something if need be, tell him that there is NO way she is missing that race, and it will ruin his relationship with his daughter if he does this. Offer to give him a holiday or whatever in exchange.

if that doesn't work then I would bring her to the race, let her race then bring her to him after the race. If he is supposed to get her on a Friday night, she would be at a buddy who is racing's house and that person would bring her to the race.

Oh boy.
I've been through a terribly bitter divorce. I've been to mediation about 800 times over, I hate to say...stupid, things like this.
Parents have to be respectful and communicate. They have to be willing to trade or switch weekends. The older kids get, the more important that is.
We were told it's not about Mom's time or Dad's time....it's the kid's time. And, if we couldn't work it out, then the judge would step in and decide and we'd basically have no say. So, did we want to work it out or did we want the court to make all the decisions?
My ex and I actually communicated everything in writing and kept copies so that neither could say they weren't informed or someone did something at the last minute.
You may need to write your ex a letter and let him know that you are asking for another mediation session to deal with issues such as this as your daughter is getting older and she should not be punished because you two can't agree or be flexible in order for her to do things that are important to her.
Courts don't like kids missing out on things because parents are jockeying for position.
Put it in writing, in a non threatening way, that if your ex does not want to attend the event, will not trade a weekend with you, AND will not let your daughter participate in something she's looked forward to, you feel that going back to mediation to address these issues is the only option for the well being of your daughter who has activities and social interests of her own.
Keep a copy of it. Keep a copy of the postmark.
Show you are trying to reach a compromise.

In California, kids this age are allowed to be talked to in mediation. Let your husband risk her telling them that this was about punishing you or teaching you a lesson. He'll end up with less visitation than he already has if he's not careful.
Why can't he take her to the event? It's his weekend. Why does she have to miss it?
She will grow to be more distant from her father over these things. That might not be the outcome he expects, but it will happen. He can blame or punish anyone he wants, but if he cared about her, he'd let her go.

Just my opinion.

Here's the problem. You never tried to compromise or work with your ex on this. You INFORMED him that this event was going to occur and that it was occurring on HIS weekend. He had absolutely no say in the decision and wasn't even asked if he wanted to attend the event. If the positions were reversed, how do you think you would feel about it and how likely would you be to accommodate him?

I know you're thinking about your daughter here but when you allowed this to be scheduled you didn't think about or include her father in it at all, and that was wrong. The fact that so much time has passed and that you informed him of the event makes no difference. You were still wrong.

Luckily you still have time to try to repair this by at least apologizing to him sincerely and asking him to please attend the event and celebrate with his daughter afterward. Tell him how much you all wanted to include him. You've got some serious butt kissing to do.

i'd write him a very nice letter or email if you cant talk apologizing for scheduling it on his weekend but stating tis impt to ur daughter so you're willing to comprimise and give him the entire weekend and he can take her, or switch weekends and you have her...I'm sure theres going to be a time he needs to switch...it would be ideal if you could both go and support her....I'm sorry...also some people don't read and J. comment kind of harshly....I saw that you did let him know and also invited him! Also you shouldn't have to ask permission, you did the right thing informed him and he could have spoke up then if he had other plans for her that day.

I know what you are going through is so hard. What I would recommend is doing whatever it takes to mend bridges with her father. There is a much bigger issue than the race: it is the friction between her mother and father. It is truly best for her to have things be less conflicted between her two parents. Sounds like her father stirs stuff up unnecessarily. I am sorry you have to deal with that. I know this is hard to do, but I would swallow all pride and sense of "what is fair" and apologize for not including him in the decision to enroll her in this program in the first place. I would let him know that from now on you want his input on the front end of things and that you will engage him on all major decisions. I would definitely not go behind his back and take her. I know what I am suggesting is hard to do, but I say this as someone who lives in a blended family involving an ex. This kind of family structure is not for wimps and is rarely easy. It involves a lot of letting things go and playing peacemaker for the sake of the children. I am sure you already do a lot of that but I would encourage you do it whenever you can. Hopefully with your "support of him" he will calm down some and engage more appropriately. If not, keep being the hero for that little girl of yours and rise above the fray and try not to give up on her dad as someday getting how to do this co-parenting thing better. Good luck!

Man...he's making me angry for you. My ex and I co-parent and so far we have been able to negotiate on everything. Have you suggested a compromise? These things will come up more often as she gets older. I would present some options like switching weekend so he could spend the whole visitation time with her, or see if he would Like to take her because she would love to see her dad support her. I personally would remind him that if he does this that he is only hurting himself since his daughter will know that he couldn't compromise for her.

Here is the problem you and ex are going to have. Your daughter is getting older and she is going to want to be in activities. What are you both going to do then? What if an event is during your weekend or his? You both need to sit down and work this out together. I would be disappointed that he is reacting like this. If he objected, he should have voiced that back in February. Next time, don't inform, communicate. Ask his thoughts. He is involved with her as well and has a say. Right now, that is what he is doing. He is flexing his "I'm here too" muscle. You might have to eat crow with your daughter. You might have to say "I'm sorry I probably shouldn't have scheduled you for this event since its Daddy's weekend." But your ex is wrong in punishing his daughter. This is between you and him. She is collateral damage from your dust up. That's not right.

Even if you don't get a court date, take him to court and try to get a ruling that when a planned-in-advance social or school event comes up that your daughter gets to decided if she wants to go no matter who's weekend it is or some such thing so that he is not able to do this in the future.

For those advocating that she take her daughter anyway. I'm not sure about IL, but in MI if a parent has custody time and did not approve a change and the switch is not made at the time and place arranged they offending parent can be arrested, fined, and/or lose their drivers license. I would not advise doing something to disrupt the schedule as it will only look badly to the court.

Yes I would. Now. I made the mistake of letting Dad scare me to pieces and my sons missed things that would have been important for their lives and wonderful experiences. Now unfortunately they are older and guess who are they mad at? Me of course. Not my ex who wouldn't let them do these things. Because you see I could have fought it. Just throwing in my two cents. Or four. Or a years worth of child support. Whatever.

Sounds like your ex is feeling left out of the decision making process. I definitely do not think you should go to court over this! I think all you will gain from that is a life long enemy in your ex.
He thinks that you are the only one that will be 'learning a lesson' here but I disagree. First and foremost, your daughter is going to be very angry with him for a long time! He will in turn suffer the wrath of his beloved daughter (and his ex-wife).
I don't know how friendly your relationship is with your ex but I think you could have avoided this by consulting him about this wonderful after school activity BEFORE signing her up. Just informing him of the decision afterwards was probably what set this ball into motion. I would assume you had ample time to discuss this before she had to be enrolled.
Divorce is hard. My parents struggled with it and looking back I can see that they both wanted the best for me but they also both wanted to maintain control and authority...sadly, this is where kids get stuck in the middle.
Even though you are divorced you can still work together to happily raise your daughter. I pray that you find it in your heart to forgive your ex-husband and also to ask him his forgiveness on this matter. Kindness goes a long way and for happy families it is essential. Best wishes!

Im very sorry that you are in this situation because it seem as though hurt feelings are still there on both you and your ex- husband part, or unresolved issue. while i may say the program benefits the child, try to go to mediation court or counseling first, because you might not intentionally tried to messed his weekend up unconsciously but you did in his eyes. Good luck to you and your family.

I would write to him. Maybe reading it (by himself, alone) would have a different impact then you talking to him. No matter what though, I think I would let my daughter still run. She has been through enough with the divorce, I'm sure.

Any judge in the state will rule in favor of Girls on the Run!!!!!!! (and I'll see you there - do you guys come to Montrose Harbor.... or do the burbs have their own run location?)

Anyway - at 11, I would probably ask your daughter what she wants to do. And from now on I would have HER communicate what she wants to do because if he thinks its coming from HER he will probably be more receptive. Normally I don't advocate making the kid the go-between, but I think with activities that fall on his parenting time sometimes if it comes from the kid its not as much of a stinger.

My daughter is nine. Her father and I split when she was about three. He and I co-parent. Our post-split relationship has sometimes been cooperative, and sometimes not. One thing I have learned is to respect the two days a week our daughter spends with him. If there is an event that will fall on one of "his" days, I let him know as far in advance as possible. If he refuses, I accept the situation. I also try very hard - not always successfully - not to let my daughter see any disappointment or anger I may feel toward her father. As I learned at a seminar that was led by a child psychologist: your child is half you and half him. If you say anything negative about your ex, your child may internalize the comment. Lastly, I strongly advise you not to involve the court system. You'd spend thousands of dollars to discover that your ex has the right to decide how he and your daughter spend time on "their days."

Could you change weekends. Give him an extra week in the summer with your daughter. Get him tickets to his favorite sporting event. I hope it works out.

Would you realisticly be able to get court date before the event?

Hell tell HIM take her to it! He is acting stupid... if she was in soccer would he tell her she cant play on his weekends? I say screw him and take her to the event and tell him to come get her one day during the week for the afternoon. I would also tell him that things like this, what he said to her, will make her resent him in the long run.

If you can afford the whole lawyer and judge route, I would go back to court. If you give in, this will set the stage for future problems with your ex. I would not let him walk all over you and your daughter! This is so important to your daughter and it would be a shame for her to miss it. In the future, maybe you should handle these type of situations different. You could have called him and asked him if he would like to take her to this event since it is "his" weekend! I am so sorry that you and your daughter are going through this, it sucks!!

Can you not somehow switch visitation time with him or otherwise make it up to him? Sure he'll have some kind of situation like this in the future. but yes he should definitely not take his misplaced anger out on your daughter; he will be the one to suffer for it because of her opionion of him; she will most certainly not blame you in the long run. I hope yo can figure it out!

It is sad when a so called parent punishes the child trying to teach the adult a lesson that He hasn't learned yet. There will come a time when he may want to do something special on your weekend. I know it will cost but I would go back to court just to show your daughter that you did everything you could. I am sure the judge will tell your husband that he is being an a$$ for even thinking that he can punish you another adult. You told him far enough in advanced that he should have been prepared. He is upset with you for moving on and doing fine without him. If you were depressed and not looking fine he would be ok. I went through mess with my ex but he finally got an understanding that he was causing his daughter to HATE him. He better be carefull before his daughter doesn't want to see him anymore and ask the court to stop visitation so she can divorce him.

Could you just trade weekends? Give him an extra weekend? I mean, it would suck and I am not in your shoes, but for the best interest of your daughter?

Good luck. I can't imagine and am sorry for you and your daughter that you are going through this.

Have you offered to trade weekends. He gets her 2 weekends in a row either right before or after the race. Either that or take him back to court and let him explain to the judge whe he is being unreasonable. In most cases judges hate unreasonable parents. The judge is also not going to like the fact that he is 'teaching you a lesson'. What a jerk.
Hopefully the judge will order counseling and explain to him that he is supposed to put the needs of his child first.