Can My Marriage Be Saved? - Corpus Christi,TX

He has to realize a couple of things...the euphoric feeling normally doesn't last forever. And, the grass may be greener on the other side, but you still have to mow it!

Yes you can, as long as he is willing to work on it.

And if he's not, you may want to investigate why.

Definitely, this marriage can be saved! Just takes a bit of effort and work... like ALL marriages. We get in this kind of rut when we aren't careful and spending enough quality time together, or when we start becoming selfish. Date, communicate, work on your romance and rekindling love for each other. It's a cop-out when people pull the whole, "I love you, but not IN love with you" thing. Constant, passionate love is like a hot air balloon. It does not stay up without people manning the balloon, when it runs out of gas, energy and heat, the balloon comes crashing down.

You can work on your marriage without professional counseling, though I would still advise it. My husband and I read Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue book together. It talks a lot about communication and how to make it better. Commit to sit down together each night or every other night and read a chapter and put into practice what it says.

Also, watch Fireproof and do "The Love Dare". It has saved countless of marriages in the same place as yours.
We also have 2 very energetic little boys and it is exhausting. We can't afford dates or sitters. So, after they go down to bed, we usually pop some popcorn, or makes some kind of snack, snuggle up and watch a movie or a favorite television series together. We love Netflix and Redbox and it seriously has helped us to have that time together. We also read books and go to the YMCA and workout together. Which is nice b/c they have child watch while you work out. Once a week, we all go out as a family, even if it's just for ice cream and a walk in the park. It helps to settle things and to get out of the house together. Also, pray for each other, pray together each night. About 5 years ago my husband and I went to counseling for similar issues. Our therapist told us to write a list of 10 things we appreciate about each other. It was hard coming up with things! Then. she told us to make it a point to go out of our way every day to do something nice and unexpected. Like one day,. I left a sweet little note in his wallet, he did a load of laundry without me even knowing about it. Just small things like that. That week was wonderful and the next time we had to write a list of things we appreciated about each other, it was so much easier! We have kept it up and it's been wonderful. I have two short (3 min) videos I am going to recommend you and your husband watch together, about how people can show their love for each other. Very touching and powerful messages:

http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

Yes!!! You can get your marriage back on track, but only with 110% from EACH person. Go to counseling together, get some date nights going, open up the lines of communication and things will be soooo much better! Its a great thing that your hubby told you how he was feeling---thats a start. Now you can go from there and work towards becoming closer and work out the problems. Communication is the key. Good luck!

M

I am no expert, but the first line says tons. "don't feel a connection and doesn't feel like I need him anymore". Men often need to be needed to give them self worth. He might be losing his sense of value. It could be that because he is gone to work so much, you're asleep before he gets home..........he is feeling alone, not having anyone to spend time with while he unwinds from his day. He doesn't have you to talk to....of course your communication is off.
His needs are not being met. Sounds like this relationship could be salvaged, perhaps with some counselling. Plan "dates", you have to put him back in high priority before it is too late. Maybe go to church, find a marriage retreat, something needs to change. What you are doing now isn't working. When is the last time you have been away together, without kids, without work, without obligations? Look at what brought you together in the first place, common bond, ideals, goals...are they still there? What you love about each other.....put it on paper, talk about it with him.
Best wishes!

That "in love" feeling will ebb and flow just like everything else. Marriage is a committment that prevents you from doing something rash in the midst of those times when things just don't click the way they used to. My husband and I have been married for 20 years. It's a journey. Not all spots are exciting...but the anticipation of the next stop should keep you going. You and your husband need to be on the same page. Why did you get married?? Was there more than one reason? My husband tells me that everytime he thinks the grass may be greener elsewhere he looks at his home and family and asks if it's worth the risk to lose everything he DOES have. His answer is always NO.

Get counseling if you need to. Try to spice things up a little. (I don't care if he's tired...he wants the intimacy...) Prayer is good too! Crazy in love can come back and usually does if nothing rash happens...You both need to decide if you are really committed to this marriage....not just the feeling that you want to have in the marriage. Keep loving him. It's hard to resist someone that loves you :)

God bless!
M.

If he really wants to try to work this out, you need to seek counseling. If he won't go with you to see a professional marriage counselor, go by yourself. Something seems to have broken down with how you communicate with each other, especially if he can't explain why he feels the way he feels and this has apparently come out of nowhere. Sitting down with a marriage counselor to talk over what is going on in his head is the next step.

i am so sorry!!! get yourselves into counseling. i really wish I had better advice for you. imo, I really think there is hope. he still loves you, and maybe ya'll just need to find a way to get that "spark" back. and the fact that he is talking about it to you seems hopeful as well because he is not hiding his emotions, he probably wants things to work as well but probably doesnt know how to either. God bless ya'll!!!

The "seven year itch" is based on reality. Yes, you can save your marriage. As others have said, it will take some hard work. Sounds like your husband would be willing to work with you. I second Momma L's recommendations for how to go about it.

I would suggest couples counseling. It may take some work but if you are both willing you can save your relationship!

It looks like he's having some sort of personal crisis ("what do I want from my life? ") and it's oh-so-very common that men take it out on their family. They are often the weak link, sad but true. Have him talk to older men or/and women who have been married for a long time so they can explain that not "feeling in love" with the other person is NOT a good reason to think that marriage is over. He needs to understand that relationships are made of cycles and changing partner every time he feels he's not "in love" anymore will take him nowhere in his life. He will always feel not in love at some point, in any relationship, regardless of who's beside him in bed. But when you choose marriage, when you make a family, there's so much more to it that feeling in love. He must know that he LOVES his family and stop questioning his feelings for you. If he doesn't understand that life is made of cycles, phases, stages, whatever you want to call them, it means that he has A LOT of growing up to do. I would talk to his family (parents, older siblings) and work together toward make him realize he's just going through a rough spot and that it is NORMAL, not a good reason to destroy all he holds dear. So, yes, you can save your marriage by trying to save him from himself. You have some work cut out for you. Good luck.

This is normal. Marriages ebb and flow. The secret is to stay committed to each other through these times of low connection. With the busy lives we lead and kids etc. there is no way you can keep the same passionate thing going that you had in the honeymoon stage. The marriage has to grow and deepen.
People who believe that it is supposed to be all fireworks and romance are the ones who have been married 4 times because they are always trying to keep that initial feeling which does not happen in a long term marriage. I would definitely not give up on the marriage but you also can not do all the work by yourself. Both of you have to be committed to the family and the marriage altho at different times we each go thru things where we are discouraged about it. I would go to counseling either together or alone if he won't go. I also read a good article about this topic yesterday.http://www.oprah.com/relationships/How-to-Revive-Your-Mar... He is crazy if he gives up on this. Tell him that the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence or maybe it is, but it is because he has not been working enough on his own grass.

Go to www.familylife.com . My husband and I have worked with them for a number of years. At the top of their page they have events for couple and they have 3 ways to go. Weekend to remember is an intense weekend and I have seen many marriages saved. The art of marriage is new but very good I know Nassau Bay Baptist Church Sunday evening has a class. Good friends of ours are leading it. It started last week so you would be playing catch-up. but they would help you. The cruise is their 2nd one and like weekend to remember but on board a ship. Any marriage can be saved. If you need more information my e-mail is ____@____.com Good luck and keep trying.

My heart goes out to you! It is good that your husband spoke up!

He doesn't tell you that he is "out the door" right away, so here are some (just a few of many) things you can do.

1) I highly recommend reading Gary Chapman's books. His book "The Five Love Languages" is awesome and a good first read. I just finished "Things I Wish I'd Known Before Getting Married". That one got me laughing out loud and crying too.

2) Ask your husband about seeking counseling. Counseling saved my marriage and taught us to keep at it. The "in love" feelings are great for getting you two together; now that you two are in "emotional love", it will require work from each of you to keep your relationship alive.

3) Test the waters with a retreat like Retrouvaille (it's a French word pronounced like retrovi (long i) ) There is more info at
http://www.austinme.org/content/Retrouvaille.html

Bless you! and I wish you two well

Get into counseling immediately while you have something left to save.

I'm living the same situation. Although, it's me who feels this way (more-so than my husband). I think he's going along feeling totally fine about our marriage coming last in life. I'm not! I bring this up pretty often but nothing ever changes, maybe for a day or two, if I'm lucky. I think his needs are being met (because he's a man and doesn't have as much of an emotional need than a woman). If I want to talk and share my feelings or something interesting in my life, I talk to my friends, not my husband. He barely listens and just responds with an, "uh-hu." It's unhealthy and is just creating more distance between us but I need him to care a little more. I definitely don't think your marriage is over though. I know what the problem is for me and it's probably the same for you. My husband hates his job, money is not what it used to be, there are specific circumstances with our children that make things extra stressful. Life is just not much fun when we have nothing to look forward to. We are very fortunate that things are not worse. We do not have any serious medical issues, we are not homeless, etc. I do not take my life for granted but honestly, it's just not very fun or exciting. What we need to do is to create excitement. This doesn't take money either. We can make the most of our nights and agree to turn the TV off and plan to have sex, even if it's forced. We can plan our weekends a week in advance and make sure we are doing something fun like a hike and a picnic. We can talk family or friends into babysitting (and we can trade off) so that we can go out. I just need my husband to find more passion because I feel so stupid and it feels so forced when I try these things. Your husband sounds more in touch with his emotions. I'm certainly not giving up on our marriage. I think when at least one area gets better for us, we will have less stress and have fun again. Don't give up. Fight and make a plan to better things for the two of you. I think MANY of us with little children are having these problems. I know 3 older couples within our families who had some struggles when their kids were little; 40 and 50 yrs later, they are still married. They got through it; I think we can too. Good luck.

I went through this last year. He didn't want counseling, I went ahead and went by myself. I read The Love Dare and The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. I learned a lot through these two books. At least he came and told you, mine decided to skip that part and just have an affair instead and when he got caught he then blamed it on all the not "in love" with you, that I didn't love him anymore. I learned alot about myself and him for that matter. Men just need to be appreciated and feel important on a DAILY basis. I chose this man as my husband and I will make things work according to his needs and our three kids. He does the same for me once I communicated what would make me happier. Everyone is different and what is important to you is probably not as important to him and vice versa. It was a lot of hard work and change but I knew we both had our faults in this crazy life with three kids. We both work full-time.....we lost each other. You do have to work at it on a daily basis. You can get it back. Best of luck and if you ever need anyone to talk to through this I would be more than willing to lend an ear. Best of luck.

I am so sorry for you both. Don't either of you do anything rash and don't confide or turn to anyone of the opposite sex. Focus on the family and each other. Can you get together with a licensed marriage counselor?
ALL relationships go through these times of feeling "not in love". It is hard.

Hi there,
So sorry to hear about your struggles. In my practice coaching couples and families there a few resources I suggest:
http://www.amazon.com/Real-Love-Unconditional-Fulfilling-...

http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Me-Tight-Conversations-Lifetim...

The Real Love book in particular hit me right between the eyes about my own lack in ability to actually love others unconditionally.

I hope this helps.
Blessings to you both,
K.
Kimberly Smith Cavins, OTR, CPE, EFT-Cert
"From the Heart" Family Healing

Helping people with:
~Parenting or Family Struggles
~Unhealed Emotional Issues, Trauma, or Illness
Who need Peace, Love, and Connection

Remedy Center for Healing Arts; 4910 Burnet Rd Austin, Tx 78756; ____@____.com
"We can do no great things, only small things with great Love"~Mother Teresa

go to councling. make time for it. also start dating just the two of you. MAKE time for eachother even if its hard and inconvient make it happen.

Get the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." Guys have three basic needs. We all know the sex one. Make time for it. There was a time when it didn't matter what time of day or night it was and you would make time to spend with your husband. He needs to know that he is that important to you.

The other two needs are easy. It will take time but you can make your husband feel like he is the most important person in the world to you.

No nagging, crying, etc. He needs to see that cute, sexy, fun gal he fell in love with, not a needy, weepy, tired M.. Save all those emotions for a girlfriend. Act like you are trying to get that second date. Remember those days? But don't say anything that you are trying to win him back. Just do it.

If he doesn't respond right away, just be patient. He needs to see that you are serious, not putting on an act.

You asked what happened. Well, you stopped being "crazy in love." Go back to the way you acted when you were "crazy in love." There were no excuses in those days. Do not put the kids before your husband.

My heart goes out to you in your pain and anguish right now. The most important thing to realize for him and for you is that love isn't this fleeting cloud that you try to catch and that when it's gone it's gone. There are many many stages to a lifelong intimate relationship, and, like a fine wine, it gets better with age if you are both committed to it. The first flush of euphoria is fun of course but not something that needs to be endlessly repeated to feel in love. Love can grow deeper and deeper through the years. One of the most important things is for both partners to do all they can to make the other one happy. Then sure enough, their own happiness will follow. We had some rough times when communication was very poor and therefore all closeness and intimacy was gone too. But take time with each other, focus on each other, and things will get better.

If he says he doesn't want to leave, that is a good sign that he might be OK with counseling. I highly recommend it. You can get counseling for free if either of you works somewhere that offers an Employee Assistance Program. Everything is confidential. Contact info is often posted in break rooms, or you can ask HR--you don't need to tell them what part of the EAP you're interested in. I don't know how many sessions you get for free--we didn't use many.