Can I (And How Do I) Just Cut Him Out?

I believe that it takes a village. I think you should start by giving him the discipline his parents are unwilling/unable to do. If you can't do this, and want to end the friendship, then you need to be up front with both him and the parents.

At 9 years old, he is old enough to hear from you: "Billy, you have been extremely rude and disrespectful to me and my daughter. You have yelled, screamed, called names, etc. etc. Because of that, you are not welcome for a while. Maybe when you can learn to act politely you can be friends again."

He needs to hear it from someone, since parents are nice but useless. You can make the same statement to them.

It's not this kid's fault that his parents don't parent him, so I don't think you should just simply shut him out without an explanation, but you should tell him exactly why you are shutting him out for a while, so he has the opportunity to change. Otherwise he won't understand. It will be a kindness to be specific with this boy.

The other day a boy choked my son and then punched him! I quickly told my kids and the boy that they were done playing. if you can't play nice, you can't play.

Rosemud put it perfectly. You need to talk to the boy, not the parent. I do this with the above boy and his older brother. I also talk to the parent, but I learned that many times they respond better when you make it clear that you will not stand for such behavior. The older boy quickly started being super, super nice to my kids once I made it clear that if he didn't play nice, he just couldn't play with us.

Yes you can and you just "do". Stop doing things with him and let him know that because he screams he can't play with Susie anymore.

However.... I'd like to share something. let me say, upfront, that I don't think you should be friends with or tolerate someone's behavior just becuase.... but some kids do have special needs. You may be interpreting his parents attitude as "not caring" when, in reality, they are not as forthcoming with any issues they are dealing with him.
We have a 3 year old foster son. he can go from nice and pleasant to terroristic within about 5 seconds over being told he has to wait to play with a toy. We are actively working with him and have 2 therapists PLUS an IEP at his daycare. If a parent said something to me I would just smile and give a "what can you do" shrug. Because I can't go into the whole story. Sometimes I don't think it will matter to the other person. Sometimes I'm just too tired. Sometimes it's not someone with whom I want to open that door.

Having said that...... if your daughter doesn't seem like she will miss the end of this friendship, then I'm not sure why you would even try and continue it.

The first time he screamed at me would have been the last time he was invited over.
You don't need to tell the parents, "I am not letting Euphigenia play with Aloysius anymore because...." They know what their kid does and they aren't going to do anything about it.
Don't invite him over.
If he comes over and asks if she can play, say "No." The word "no" is a complete sentence. If he asks why, tell him, "We are tired of your unacceptable behavior."

I don't think there's a way to be tactful. There is, however, a way to do it without *your* yelling and screaming and calling names.

"Marcia and Jim, we aren't going to invite your Billy to play with Sherry any more, and she doesn't want to play with him. None of us likes his rude behavior, and he won't listen to us when we ask him to stop it. From now on, if Billy comes over, I'm going to be telling him he can't play and needs to go home. If he creates a scene, I'll be calling you to come right over and get him."

Repeat statement as needed. Don't let yourself get involved in an elaborate discussion about the rights and wrongs of it.

Consequently, you'll be talking both to Billy and to his parents about the behavior, setting the limits at your house, and being firm about those limits, without resorting to - what could be tempting - bad temper yourself. You can say hello to the family after that when you see them, but keep your distance for a while.

It's sad, really, but his behavior is not in your hands.

I've known a few "broken" adults who have never had decent parenting, and no other caring adults to help guide them when young. They can grow up to be just as toxic, only with more power. I would want to influence this boy in whatever ways were within my reach, and that would include appropriate consequences.

I'd tell him at the beginning of every get-together exactly what your rules are in your home. Make sure he knows he's welcome when he's on good behavior, and will be sent home when he acts disrespectful. But I'd keep giving him chances unless he shows no willingness or ability to improve his attitude.

Years ago, I worked with a number of at-risk high school students as a tutor. Some of those kids had atrocious behavior and seemed entirely self-absorbed and unaware of how others were affected. But over a few weeks, almost every one of those kids (all but 2, in fact) responded to positive reinforcement AND quick consequences. Some of those encouragements and consequences were quite small, maybe just a smile or a wrinkled forehead.

But they could tell I cared about them, and they began to care about me, enough to begin to change. And then I encouraged them to see that the changes were actually for themselves. I only expected small improvements at best, but some of these kids really turned themselves around. They had simply never had anyone caring about them personally. A few of these kids looked me up over the coming years to thank me for believing in them.

You may feel far too busy to give this child that much attention. If you can swing it, though, you could be giving a tremendous gift to him and to the world of the future. And your daughter, by example. We are all socially (and I think spiritually) interconnected in such deep ways, humanity is like a gigantic organism. Right now we have far too many of our parts withdrawing defensively into their own little worlds, and the larger world is disintegrating. It's up to us to decide whether to shift that.

IMO, this is not a case where the village is responsible for this child. I respectfully disagree with Peg that you need to invest time in this child with two nice but clueless parents. This is not your monkey, not your circus. Your child comes first and he cannot behave in your home or with your kid or on an outing. I would tell him that she is not available to play. Over and over. I wouldn't confront the parents unless you need them to get him to understand he is not welcome. You have already talked to them and they have not changed his behavior. The friendship is not healthy and your daughter doesn't seem to want to be friends, so don't make this boy her problem or project.

If he asks why she cannot play, then give him a very short, direct answer. But don't invite him in or let him have a fit on your lawn.

You have brought it up with them already. They have witnessed it go on right in front of them and did not do anything about it. If he has some kind of special needs that make him act out, the parents have had ample opportunities to explain this to you. When you brought it up with them, did they try to excuse his behavior, or did they let you know that he has social issues, developmental issues, or a behavioral diagnosis or whatever? No? You have given them that chance.

Now, despite the posts that you should give him more chances or try to be a stable and firm presence for him -- I think it's time to cut him loose. Your own child is your priority here. If he's older, she may think of him as a model and could pick up his behaviors. Also, you already note that she doesn't seem upset about not seeing him.

But don't announce it to him; don't approach the parents. Just do as you wrote: "Leave it alone and maintain distance."

Your child is now "too busy" if he knocks on the door to play or if they phone and want to get the kids together. You do not have to make up excuses; just say "This week isn't good. Sally is really busy this summer." Make a lot of play dates for her with her real friends. It sounds as if their friendship is now based just on proximity and the fact he lives nearby, not on any real connection between them or shared activities or interests. Get her together with kids from school and if she has activities like dance or sports or Girl Scouts or church, be sure to reach out for some fun with friends of hers from those activities as well, not just friends from school.

If the parents persist in sending him over cold, or keep calling, you can tell them, "I know we haven't said yes to playing. It's because Sally and Billy don't seem to get along like they used to and maybe the age difference is showing up right about now. She is doing a lot this summer with kids from school/activity and is into that group of kids right now, so she's pretty busy. I hope Billy has a great summer at [sport/camp/whatever else he is doing]."

Since you have tried to discipline him and spoken to his parents a little, I also say "enough". Look at it this way - directly telling him he's losing a friend bc of his behavior may be the one thing that gets to him... So when he comes over, say no more playing for 2 weeks bc of his behavior. He's 9. Not 2. He SHOULD understand. And if he has a disorder or disability, it's past time for his parents to tell you. You didn't just meet in the park one day. So maybe setting a timeframe and then giving him another chance in 2 weeks could possibly change things. If it doesn't, then cut it off for good and don't feel badly. You have tried. This is on his parents. It sounds like they are mentally competent etc so maybe this will teach them a lesson too. If he goes home and tells them what you said and they approach you, you can be nice but give a few examples of what he does and say it's getting too upsetting for you and your daughter. They don't like it? Whatever... Or they take it to heart and you have made a difference.

If a neighbor kid was yelling and swearing at me, tact would be the last thing I'd be worried about. I'd just say "Little Johnny, I've reached my last straw. I've told you to stop talking/acting that way and you choose to continue, so we're done letting you hang out with our daughter. Goodbye".

I think that tact won't work with a child and family like this. It is time to be straight-forward, but civil.

If he comes to the door, you tell him that your daughter will not play with him. If he asks why, just tell him that his behavior is unacceptable in your family. And close the door, no further discussion is necessary. If he comes back another day, say the exact same thing and close the door. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Because he is 9, I think he is old enough to know better, in spite of lousy parenting. Hopefully, this will be a wake-up call of sorts to him. I wouldn't confront or initiate a discussion with the parents, either. They had their chance to correct the situation and chose not to do so. If they ask, I would say the same thing... his behavior is unacceptable in our family.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this- it makes it even harder because they live close to you. Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

"I'm sorry. Sarah will no longer be able to play with you Bob. I have asked you repeatedly to behave yourself and you are unwilling to change your rude and disrespectful behavior. Have a nice day."
"Mr. and Mrs. your son seems unwilling to change his behavior. We have watched him and taken him places and corrected his behavior and it isn't any better. We do not want to play with him anymore."
Direct. To the point. Leaves no questions.
HOWEVER, since you live in the same neighborhood this may make living close to them a bit difficult.
Maybe this boy doesn't feel the need to change his behavior because he has never had any REAL consequences, like losing a friend. He is 9. Perfectly capable of behaving himself.
L.

If he knocks on the door, I would just tell him your daughter can't play with him anymore since he isn't nice to either her or you. If the parents have the guts to come over and ask why he can't play anymore, I would tell them the truth. Maybe then they will start to take an active roll and discipline him so he learns how to be nice and a good friend. Good luck.

Looloo hit this out of the park.
On those occasions when you had him in your care/control on outings (to the park for example)... and he behaved in the extreme as you describe, you should have taken his little behind straight back home and dumped him with mom/dad explaining to him (and then to them) how he was behaving and that you will not put up with it. THEN, taken your own child back to the activity/park, etc.

And now... do not just not answer the door. Answer it, and tell him proactively that he can't come in/play/go with you (whatever) because you are not putting up with his rude and disrespectful behavior.

Good luck.

Here's a two-fold answer:
1. Replace him. You'll have to go out of your way to find another playmate and facilitate playdates. Invite them to your home (their parents will love the free babysitting!) and allow her sleepovers. Point is- she'll be sad if you take away the only friend she has easy access to.
2. You can't. They created this little monster (take that name jokingly)- he learned it from them. The only thing you could do (and think long and hard on this one) is *gently* approach the parents and say that you want them to continue playing together but XYZ can't happen when they play. Because, this poor kid may be acting out or have a rough home life. Your daughter may be his only friend and it's not completely out of the question to give him a second chance.
The very best of luck to you!!

If the boy comes over just say "No" and close the door. IMO and past experiences: there is no reasoning with him. It's not your place to constantly discipline someone else's child. You've already spoken with the parents and if he does have some sort of disability, it's high time they should have mentioned it

Try to find your daughter another playmate.

Good luck!

There's no way to not be confrontational about it.
You have to inform his parents that his behavior is beyond what you can tolerate and as much as you like them, your daughter will not be playing with him anymore.
No more outings, no contact, etc.
His parents will be upset - but that's no guarantee that they will 'parent up' and do anything about it.
Most likely they will think the problem is with you and they will continue allowing him to do what ever he wants.
Maybe he's got ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) but they'll need a therapist to figure out how to deal with it - it's not your job.

What an unpleasant situation! I think you are absolutely on track to decide that neither you nor your daughter need to be exposed to his nasty behavior. His behavior is completely unacceptable in a 9 year old--even in a 4 year old, it would be problematic. So unfortunate that the child lives nearby, as it makes disengaging more difficult.

One possible way to set up for the break is to allow one more 'play' session between them. When RudeBoy knocks on the door or comes to your yard when you are outside with your daughter, ask him to have a parent come over with him before it starts. Then, you set up the conditions for playing (no yelling, no name-calling, no rudeness in your presence, respecting you as the rule maker). Tell him that if he yells, calls you daughter a name, insults her, talks rudely to anyone, or refuses to listen to you, he will need to go home. Decide if you will give him one warning or if it's one strike, he's out, and tell him and his parent that at the start. You want the parent there to make sure s/he knows that if he gets sent home, that is why and that they need to be there to receive him. Then, let the playdate begin. Who knows, maybe he will behave? Probably not, and when he slips, tell him 'I am sad about this, RB, however we cannot have a person in the house when s/he insults us/yells/disrespects us. You need to leave now. I will walk you home now.' Deliver him home and explain what happened to the parent.

Maybe if he faces some real, swift consequences for his behavior, he might start behaving differently with you all. Or if you have tried something similar in the past with no result, you can just not let him in the house or the yard. You can say to him 'RB, [daughter] is not available to play with you now' and shut the door. If it makes you feel better, you can remind him that the last times he played with her, he was mean to you and to her, so you are taking a break from playdates with him. Maybe he will change, though I don't think that 9-year old boys particularly enjoy playing with girls at all, so he probably won't come around much anyhow.

You can tell the parents why you are sending him away too, if you would feel better by being up front and that it's more respectful. All you need to say is that the kids aren't playing well together and you think they need a break from each other. It shouldn't come out of the blue for them.

Good luck!

wow-i have zero tolerance for a mouthy snot n parents that overlook it..dont make it a huge issue-simply ignore them.dont answer phone or door..just walk away.obviously theres something reallly wrong with this whole family.the last thing you need is for your kid to pick up this kids bad behavior.first time-i wouldve told him enuff we dont act like that-2nd time out the door never to return.they know their kid is bad-sad part is you have no idea whats going on behind closed doors to create this bad behavior.so instead of getting into all the drama-walk away-just simply walk away.

You have already said it that you gave him lots of chances to change his behavior and he didn't.

My own children young did not call me name or cuss me out. That would have been a huge wake up call for me to march his little butt back home. Make play dates with other friends and move on. He is 9 and she is 7. Time for him to find new friends. Oh, maybe one of them will stand up to him and put him in his place with a black eye. Don't mean any harm but there is always someone a bit bigger to do the deed.

As they say, "Your house, your rules."

Good luck to you.

the other S.