I'm Tired of Moms Not Disciplining Their Kids!

You could kindly say that you don't like the way that the kids play and if it continues then they wont play and more. just because the kids dont hang dosent mean the moms cant!:)

I think that if you feel like your child's safety and her feelings of being safe are being comprimized then you have to do something! I would first speak to your friend and let her know that it bothers you and that it could end up threatening your friendship and that you really don't want that. If that doesn't get you the effect that you desire go straight to the kid! Start parenting him when he does wrong and his mom lets it go. Say he pushes your child and she says to him "say your sorry" and he ignores her, I would stoop down and get right in his face and tell him that this behavior is unacceptable and that he is to be nice to your child or you won't be able to let your child come and play any more and these "playdates" will have to stop. Then if that still doesn't work you will have to let your friend know that either you two will have grown up only times of getting together, or the friendship will have to fall by the wayside! Listen she is not respecting you or your child, and she really isn't doing her child any favors either! Good luck with this one, but you may have to give up this friendship in the long run!

Hey, I'm with you. I walked onto the school play ground one day to have my five-year-old son run towards me so single mindedly that he, what would be a good word, plowed over this little girl who just happened to be between him and me. Well, he wanted me to hug him, but I walked directly over to the little girl and helped her up and asked her if she was okay. I thought it worked well that I modeled the right thing to do. I know that this little story is quite the opposite of your example.

I think it is our duty as parents to model correct social interactions behavior and to stand up with (not for) our child. I'm not sure what I would do in your place. I hope I don't speak up when the bully's parent just "drops it." I would want to tell that parent that my child needs a sincere apology. If the bully can't give one, then I hope I would suggest that the parent isn't doing a good job raising their child. Standing up for my child makes me feel better and, I believe, helps my child feel empowered.

I'll be checking back to see what other responses you get.

Maybe you should try calling the child out, of course you can't discipline or punish, but you sure can say "Excuse you "childs name" but that was very ugly, where are your manners?" simple as that. A true friend shouldn't have a problem with you demanding that your child not be disrespected in that way.

If it happens once, I could see the mom getting embarrassed and just trying to drop it, but if this has happened several times, you need to talk with her about it. I wouldn't talk about it in front of the kids. Preferably get together for coffee or something when somebody else can watch the kids; if that won't work, talk over the phone. Tell her that you value her friendship, but you need to come to some consensus on this issue. She'll probably be defensive, but just calmly point out the facts. It's in her best interests, anyway, because she should be in charge, not the kid. Let her know that if she continues to refuse to discipline her kid, you're not going to subject your child to her child's company. Follow through if that happens. You can continue the relationship with the mom if you like, but obviously your interaction will be more limited.

S.,

You should be tired of this action especially if you discipline your children for these types of incidents. You should expect the same respect and eventually you will need to say something to the child if needed. This will need to be done in front of the mother, with much pretend regret, but very much needed. You will maybe need to say I would not let this happen if my child was the instigator. I am saying this from experience. It is time to step in.

Have you tried talking to the mom and letting her know how you feel? If she is a good friend you should be able to.

I like the suggestion of attending to you son and at the same time make it clear to the other child that we don't push, or say mean things to our friends. Obviously the other child is trying to get attention maybe if you talk to the mom it will help.

Don't feel bad telling the child that it is not acceptable to act that way, even if the other mom doesn't. I know I would!!

Hi S.!
I understand your problem, although I am on the other side of the fence on this one.
My little one just turned a year and is very aggressive to a little boy around the same age. When they're together they play but she gets rough and I don't hesitate stepping in and telling her "No, that's not nice. That hurts"...i follow it with a little tap on the hand and a very short timeout (as her attention span is small).
Parents need to reinforce who is the parent and who is the child. Parents who let their children run amock and do as they please are not setting very good examples for them as they grow.
What I'm trying to say is do not hestitate to "stick up" for your baby and say something. If the mom/dad has a problem with it, then you should re-think the playdates as they have no genuine concern for your child or their own.

Sadly, effective discipline seems to have become a lost art-- parents don't discipline their kids because they simply don't know how.

I've had problems with this issue of kids being mean to my child in the past. If it's a one-time occurrance, I don't usually say anything. But if I see it happen repeatedly, I do step in and talk to the child myself, especially if the behavior occurs at my home or a public place like the park. I say something such as, "If you want to play with (my child) you need to play nicely and be a good friend. Good friends don't hit and talk mean." I have also explained to my son that if his friends are being mean, he can say the same thing. "I don't want to play with you again if you're going to keep hitting me." There have been times when we have simply avoided playdates with certain kids, because they are mean. I have never told a friend straight out that their child is a bully-- but they usually get the picture when we start avoiding playdates. If they ask you straight out-- tell them the truth as kindly and lovingly as you can. Explain that you are in an awkward position, because you love your friend, but you also love your child and don't want him treated unkindly.

Sometimes, when we avoid playdates, the other child asks, "why can't I come to your house, or why can't ___ come to my house?" I tell them the truth. "You haven't been playing nicely, so we'll have you over when we're sure you'll play in a nice way." With one child who was particularly mean, we avoided playdates for a couple months. He begged and pleaded to come over and we finally let him, and he was a perfect angel. Yes, it's hard to discipline another person's child in front of them, but at the same time, you have to advocate for your children and teach them how to resolve conflicts. It also doesn't hurt to model effective discipline for others. I don't ever want my son to feel that I sat and watched while someone was mean to him. I've tried to teach him how to resolve conflicts on his own, so I try to step in only if I see that he can't handle the situation on his own.

I have had this problem recently and for a while I told my son privately to avoid the kid if he can't play nice (after trying everything else, what else can you do in that situation?). But he is 3 and kept ending up around the kid who would try to bite him and never get in trouble. So in front of his mom I told my son to find someone to play with that played nice and to stay away from kids who didn't. Now we both try to keep our kids apart and at this point I think that's all I can do?!? I think you have to find a way to step in because your kid needs to feel safe and protected and needs to know that bad actions don't go unnoticed. If you have a good friendship with her then you have to find away to talk about it ( away from the kids ), if not then what are you saving?

My advice would be to set down and talk to the mother and tell her you feel this is not fair to your child. You may suggest to her that youdo not want it to effect your friendship but you cannot watch it any longer and ask her to HONESTLY work with her little one on it. Dropping things NEVER makes them go away -- they just fester, how long before the child takes and really hurts your child. Sorry but here you must make a choice, your child and his feelings or your friend and her feelings.. Think about it--- I am 47 mother of 3 and granmother to 9

I would stop going over there and when she asked why tell her!!!!!!!!!!!1

S., I agree with the rest of the moms here. if you dont feel comfortable speaking to your friend on the issues just stop taking your child around this mean little kid. I had to do the same ,but in my case it was a family member instead of a friend. They would constantly see their child abusing mine ,and see him constantly blaming my son for all that went wrong. They would never do anything about it or act like they didn't see what just happened. In the case that they had no choice due to the fact of me seeing an event happen they would just say"behave son,don't play like that",but that was the most that they would do. I mean my son was coming home brused . I had to just distance ourselves from visiting their house . I never confronted them about how it made me or my son feel ,but i know they got the hint. It also eventually came to the point where my son would rather be home bored to death than go be abused . I mean that actually came out of his own mouth. I guess after long talks with him about not letting people mistreat him or hurt his feelings actually sunk in. That kid can't seem to get along with any kids no matter where they take him. He's bossy,and mean, and thinks he's smarter than everyone else a total brat. Of course I feel bad at times cause they used to be so close,but it would just make me so upset when I would see all that was happening to my son and was letting this happen by just saying get along boys no fighting. I mean my son has been a round a lot tougher kids and they don't treat him bad at all like this one little devil.

I think I would step in and ask the child to apologize or tell your friend that it bothers you. It has to be confusing to your child to see them get away with something that you don't allow them to do.

This is a very tricky situation... I am one that has no problem sayig something to other kids in public. Hey, if they are being mean or rude to my own child, or I see they are hurting another child, I step right in and tell them what I think... My older son goes to religious ed classes in the afternoons and I try and let my 3 year old play on the playground but there are some older kids who play very rough and sort of gang up on my son, so a few times I have stepped in and told them that they are not being nice etc., while all the Moms are just sitting there chit chatting. It got to the point I just picked up my child and said, we have to go, these boys are not being nice, and I said it loud enough so the other Moms could hear me. You are your childs biggest advocate, and if you aren't going to stick up for them, no one else will. If your friend's child is being mean or misbehaving, I would tell him that he shouldn't behave like that, it isn't nice.. I find when my sons friends hear it from someone else besides their own parent, they sometimes take it a bit more seriously.

Hi S.. Would you still be friends with this person if she pushed you around? Probably not. It's important to send the right messages to your kids because they pick up on everything. You don't say what age your child is but have you tried having your child tell the other child "stop pushing me" or "I don't like it when you push me, please stop" and then you are there to back them up. It's important for kids to learn how to stand up for themselves and even more important to see that their parents back them up. It will teach them respect for themselves and help them as they grow up to deal with all sorts of situations. Good luck!

-W.

When I read your request, the first thing I noticed was that you were upset with the parents because they weren't following through with disciplining theor child, probably because they don't want it to affect their relationship with their child, yet you weren't following through with what you thought was right in the situation for the same reason. Just something to think about.Notice you said"when do you step in , and when do you let it go?" Maybe they are not sure either.BLESS-Angela

Hi S.
To allow your child to be treated that way is unacceptable. since you are friends with the other mom, I think you should talk to her about it. How would she like it if was the other way around? We have a little girl on our street who comes down and plays with my next door neighbor's children, who my 6 yr.old son also plays with. (the next door neighbor children- there's 3 of them)
My son gets along with the neighbor's kids beautifully, and prefers their company over -who I will call 'cindy' (not her real name) , but tolerates her because she comes down every day. Well 'cindy' is 4 yrs older than my son, and for awhile there she mistreated my son very badly. I would listen to them playing outside , from our bedroom, and she would call him nasty names, scream in his face, belittle him, and on and on. She shows alot of the bully characteristics. Well needless to say my blood boiled over everytime she targeted him to pick on. Keep in mind, I witnessed for myself her treatment towards him, so I wasn't just 'taking my son's side', ya know.
One day I marched outside and asked her to take me to her house so I could speak to her mother, and believe me I was prepared to confront mom , it was unacceptable to me that this girl would come down to my house to play and mistreat my son the whole time! She looked at me like "NO DON'T TELL MY MOM", so right there I talked to her and told her that she needed to stop screaming at my son, stop using nasty words and curse words and the name calling, and I told her she could not come to our house anymore.
She stayed 'clear' for awhile and then she came around again, and now although she's not quite the angel , she dosen't scream at him, call him names, all the other stuff she's done before.
So what I'm saying is, you need to address it somehow. For me, I was prepared to address it with the mother; but just speaking to the child (since she's older) myself seemed to resolve it.
Good luck!

This is a hard one! You are worried about this affecting your friendship. Do you think that her reactions of doing nothing as a parent aren't affecting your friendship already? She is not taking responsibility and it is causing your child and you stress. That, in my opinion is affecting your friendship.

You will find that this happens from time to time. Different ideas and values spring up when we have kids and how you handle it is important.

Is this a friend you can talk to about this - that it is bothering you and you feel it is bothering your child?

Remember that you need to get really clear as to what is acceptable to you and what is not. You sound pretty clear to me on this issue. You can limit the time together with the kids, or you can experiment -if it does not happen when there are other kids present, certain places you go, etc... If none of this works, then you are faced with chosing your child's physical and emotional health over a friendship. What do you model for your child? What messages for your child? And, what about self-respect here?

I cannot tell you how many parents I have witnessed will not take responsibility for their kids. I have a full grown child all the way down to a two year old. I have a great friend who is a well-known child therapist and we just were talking about how there are so many parents these days, that just don't want to parent! I just mentioned to her that I cannot stand the message these parents not only send to their own kids, but to many other kids as well - it affects everyone. And by the time these kids are 10, 14, 17, it is just sad what happens when they have parents who do not set limits, etc... i.e. - be a parent!

So look at your beliefs straight on and then I suggest you back yourself up. You have a long haul and this is not the only time this will happen. Your child(ren) must see that what you believe, is stronger than what others believe - understand my meaning? This is so hard but very important for you and your children - and any other children watching.

And yes, you may lose friendships. However, if keeping them means going against your morals and beliefs, even safety of your child, whether it's feelings or something physical - that is too high a price, don't you think?

There is nothing wrong if, when this happens again, to just say to your friend, "Oh, you know, we are going to have to get going/leave now. Maybe we can get together another time."
You can always put things in her lap quietly and see what she does with it. You can also, when this happens again, simply say, "Okay, well, this isn't such a good thing, so we need to go now." Then see what your friend does. My experience with other parents like this is that they don't get it. Very few are open to talking about it and actually changing their behavior. Put it in her seat/lap and see if she approaches you on it.

It is not unreasonable for you to want your child safe with other kids. Keep this simple and remember, if you do not start respecting your limits, you will become more and more resentful of your friend - that is your lesson here. Taking care of you so that you do not get angry with her more than you need to. When we do not take care, we get to a point where we are about to blow our stack! Make sure you are taking care of you and your child first and foremost! Perspective is everything when you have to deal with these types of issues!

Good luck!
Alli

Hi S.;
I hate this issue too. Parents can be totally oblivious or just think its not important and say "They're just kids" but that's why kids are the way they are today.
I have dealt with this issue as a child and with my child and grandchild. I've tried many things and hopefully these options will help. When I was a child I hit my cousin back when my mom wasn't looking and she never hit me again. But I got tired of it because my mom wouldn't do anything about it. As a parent I told my friend that if their child was going to be abusive to mine then I wouldn't allow my daughter to play with her anymore because I didn't want my daughter growing up thinking that's how a friendship can be, especially once she has a boyfriend. Or you can tell your child to hit them back. One punch may do it but settling for it the way it is isn't the answer I can promise you that much. One other idea is when the child strikes yours then take your child and say "I'm sorry but we've got to leave." Hopefully sooner or later your friend will get the idea. I hope any of this info helps. Good luck.

You should decide what is more important ,your friendship or your child being pushed around,I'm sure your child don't like it...and if it were me I'd have to say something and deal with whatever happens with the SO- called friend ..My kids are the most important person to me, and should be to any mother....

Hi S.,

I'm in the same situtation with a friend and her daughter. After a couple of incidents this week, unfortunately I have decided that our time with these friends will be limited to possibly just big events or our whole families get together. It just isn't fair to my daughter to be treated badly, as well as, my friend's daughter is terrible at listening and defiant. When we spend time with them whether it is 30 minutes or a few hours, my whole day afterwards is awful because my daughter will act like my friend's daughter to see what she can get away with. It just isn't worth it. For my situation, I don't think a conversation with my friend would help matters, and that might hurt the friendship, so I think just limiting our time together for now, will at least keep my child from getting hit, shoved, and kicked. I don't want her to learn that type of behavior is okay. The way I look at it, it is my job to look out for my child, and if I need to not spend as much time with a friend, then I will have to make those sacrifices.
Good luck.

I think you should leave when the child starts to be mean to your child. When you see it happen, just say,"well, I think it's better if we left" After this happens a couple of times and the mean kid has no one to play with they'll get the hint. Why would you stay in an abusive realtionship? you wouldn't and neither should your child. There are too many nice people out there for you to try to make nice with the mean ones. Good luck

I don't know how serious the "pushing" gets but it is obviously enough for you to be concerned and post it here. Try counting the times it happens in one visit and then gently confront the mom about it. If she doesn't respond then you need to tell her that you don't want to lose her as a friend but you don't want your child to equate her with violence form her child and that you might have to consider just grown up visits so that your children don't meet. In the long run your child is more important than a friend so you have to do what is right for your child even if it means you might have to part ways with your friend.

The first thing I would do is tell the other kid that if they push your's again they will not be allowed to play with each other. If the other parent gets upset, oh well, this is your child and they need to understand that even thought they may raise their child differently you have rules that you are trying to teach your's and pushing is one of the no-no's.

Hi S.! :)

I feel what you're feeling a lot. It makes it hard to find good friendships. Thanks to the hippie generation's view of child raising (Let them express their feelings and make their own decisions because they're individuals!) among other things, disiplining your children has becoming unpopular.
Unfortunately--in order to have a working friendship with another parent, you have to not only get along well with them, but also their children. If the parent is great but the child isn't well-behaved--it just won't work (and even vis versa). Have a gentle talk with her about it. Use the "Sandwich approach". Give her a compliment about something she does great as a parent, then tell her your predicament then end with another compliment. If she's a good friend, she'll take it to heart and will work on makign things better. If she gets angry and/or denies there's a problem and won't change things for you, then she's not really a good friend for you.

Best of luck!
M.

I am a Preschool teacher and see this often; sometimes when only one parent of the duo of children is present and I act in turn for the missing parent, and others where I observe or guide the parent/child duo of those involved in the altercation.
Anyhow, my feelings are that forcing a child to say sorry, especially if they are too young to really understand what an apology means, is a moot point. All it tends to do is teach them that if they bully, "sorry" makes it better. I usually tell my children that apologizing is nice, but it works better for accidents than for when you hurt someone on purpose.
Next time I would suggest telling your child, IN FRONT of the other mother, "Tell Billy that hurts and you don't like it." And if it continues again, tell Billy, "Billy, it hurts S. when you do push her. You don't want to hurt her, she's your friend." By this time, the other mother should step in, but even if not, you have opened the door. You haven't "disciplined" her child, so you haven't really had an opportunity to hurt your friendship, but she should get the message that you, and your child, do not appreciate the behavior, and "sorry" is not going to fix it.

Hope this helps at least in some fashion. Good luck!

Well S., I have been in this situation many times. What I finally did was sit my friend down and talk to her. I let her know that I did not appreciate how she handles her children. I simply let her know that she was basically turning her kids into bullies.With kids acting like that, no one would want her to come around. She did make some changes. She is still progressing. If she is a true friend, she will understand and not get too bent out of shape.

I hope things work out for you!!!

Hey S. -

Just my opinion here - if it happens once, maybe let it go. However, if you have a good relationship with this family, go directly to the child and in a non-threatening voice, calmly, explain to the child that that behavior won't be acceptable. You have to speak to the Mom too - if she is your friend, she probably already knows what you are going to say (and she is painfully aware that she is being a whimp when it comes to disciplining her kid!)
If she gets mad at you, she'll either think about it, know that you are right and move on - or she'll hold a grudge (even though she still knows that you are right) and if that is the case then maybe you don't need that type of friend and neither does your child!
Surround yourself with parents/families that you can trust and that you can talk to about parenting and the challenges that comes along with disciplining your kids. You'll feel much better after you talk to her

There needs to be more information in this to help you...you do different things for different age groups...what are the ages of the children involved??

As for me I am a very blunt, direct person and my friends know this. If the culprits mother let it drop, I would step in and take charge of the situation, by asking the children what other ways they could resolve their conflict. I would probably use more age appropriate words but as you didn't give us many details, sorry...

The idea is to help the kids come up with better way to work out their problems, your child not to be the punching bag so to speak, and the other child to not be a bully...

The thing is you don't want to interfere too much either because you want the kids to learn how to resolve thing on their own too...

If the other mother has an issue with any of this you need to explain to her that you do not think it is appropriate that any child calll your child names and push him/her around...and you are just helping them to work things out so it doesn't continue and they can become better friends...

If she still has issues with it, perhaps she's not as good a friend as you thought...

Hi S., Hope my opinion is helpful. I do not believe you can reveal your opinion about the child without alienating your friend. That being said, if you want your child to continue being abused, say nothing. To me the choice is clear. Obviously your friend cares nothing about your child or she would not allow the mistreatment to reoccurr.

I had a similar experience - with biting. You number one priority is to your children and keeping their environment safe. You may have to risk a friendship -- but you may just want to tell your friend that you understand that children act out in many ways,( her child is not bad - just confused about appropriate behavior)- but because of the physical nature of the acting out - there can be no more play dates with the kids. Tell her you value her friendship, but until the kids are a little older, maybe you two should do just adult visits when you can. Your children depend on you and you alone to keep them safe and secure and unharmed. She should as a mom understand your need to keep your children from being hurt.

I feel for you in this situation, I personally have not experienced anything like this. However, I do know that if you and your friend are close that she will understand you stepping in and be able to place herself in your shoes.

My friends and I all feel the same in this area. If you see one of the children doing something wrong then it is expected for them or myself to correct the child. If they are a true friend they will agree with you in this area, because they would not their child treated in this manner. If they do get upset then I would say they are not a true close friend and maybe it is a good time for you to each go your seperate ways.

S.,

Similar situation, with a friend that would get very physical with my daughter, though she wouldn't say mean things.

I wasn't comfortable enough at that point to have a talk with the mom, but if I actually saw something happen, I'd "whip out my Mommy voice," on the aggressive one (in front of the mom), and tell her something like, "Hands are not for pushing, and if you keep doing that, she won't want to play with you, anymore." (Or, "you won't be allowed to come over and play, anymore." This one definitely got her attention.)

The mom got the message, and though we still have the occasional outburst/episode, Mom actually does something about it, now.

Good luck!
M.

I think you're real obligation in this situation is to protect your child. This may mean that it impacts your relationship with your friend. Maybe you can suggest times to get together without the kids?

Stop going to that friends house. If asked why explain you can not let her child treat your child that way. I also brand any child to come over to my house if they can not mind our house rules. It paid off, because I have 2 of the best behaved children that turned out to be very successful adults. Everyone always talked out how well behaved my children were. It takes work to raise children and if it takes not letting your children play with rude kids then get brave and do it.

I agree, parents and not being parents, they just sign their kids up for every after school activity just to keep them out of their hair. Do not get me wrong these activity can be very good, but not every day. My children even had after school activity but only one activity. Children need just down time without rushing around all the time.

if you don't defend your child, who will?
Tell the mother and the child " I am sorry, but if you hit him, he cannot play with you anymore"
Tell your friend, that your friendship is important, but your child is your top priority.
your child looks up to you, he probably wonders why are you letting this kid hit me?
if they are in your house, then you should set the guidlines in your house. Tell the child the rules, if he breaks them, then say, I am sorry you broke this rule, you will need to (time out, or go home, what ever consequence)
if you are at their home, say your regrets and leave.

I teach an inclusion pre-k and I have perspectives as a parent, a grandparent, a special education teacher, and a pre-k teacher. This is a difficult situation because it is occuring outside of a school situation and you want to preserve the friendship with the parents of the abusive child. However, this behavior should be stopped and ,perhaps ,as a friend , you are uniquely situated to help these parents learn about disciplining their child. Do not wait for your child to be hit again. Call the woman up and make a time to discuss the situation. Suggest that she use time out every single time her child abuses another child or parent, or teacher. You could also suggest getting the child evaluated by a child psychologist, but I am not sure if you are comfortable doing this. Also, do not let your kids play together until you feel assured that more is being done to stop the abusaive behavior. Good luck. J. K.

Hey S.,
I understand that you don't want to effect the relationship but when a child is getting hurt you need to step in. Your child will either think this is OK for him to be treated this way or your child will start acting back. You can kindly say to the child: please don't push , hit, kick, him that way becuase it hurs others when you do that and then they won't want to play with you.
This is what I would do and if the parent doesn't mind I would correct her child every time. If she did mind I would ask her to correct her child becuase my child had been complaining on how he was getting hurt.
Good luck.

B.
www.MoreForMyBaby.com

I know exactly what you mean & it's even worse with strangers & their kids. The parents look at ME as if I'm in the wrong when the kid runs pell-mell into me as if I ran into THEM! The parents don't even say anything at all to their kids anymore! It is SO irritating. Especially in the library where it's supposed to be quiet. In my day, if we talked above a whisper we were told to leave, forget about runnin amock! These days, every library I've been in except one allowed kids to just be loud & run all over & bother ppl. & the librarians just LET them! It seems more like a daycare! I had a situation where a small boy just ran pell-mell into my push-basket causing me to almost fall over, the mom didn't even say "watch out son" or even apologize. Didn't even ask if I was okay. Just kept on going. I stopped & told him to watch where he's going & the mom just jumped all over me saying "he's just a kid" blah blah. I told her he should apologize or you should on his behalf then she just got more aggressive saying I didn't know what I was talking about blah blah. I told her when I was his age, I behaved myself because if I didn't I got a big spanking. I was made to mind & he should be taught the same. Well this just made her more angry so I just went into the store since there was no end to the argument. People like that know they're in the wrong they just don't like being called on it. Just tell your friend, point blank that you understand it's her child & don't mean to butt in but it does affect you & hurts not only you but your child even more when she allows her child to be a bully when she doesn't make her child mind. You may hafta tell your child they can't play with the other child anymore because he/she is being mean. Hopefully it won't to come to a point where you have to just drop her as a friend. If your child behaves themselves maybe it'll rub off but if it continues to bother you, you may have to hang out w/someone else. If she asks why, just tell her it's because she allows her child to be a bully.

I think you definitely need to speak to the mother. As long as she knows that you're still her friend, but that you need to stand up for your child's rights - - then she should be understanding. I feel like I've been in your corner quite often too. In many situations, the mother or guardian wasn't even around. There was one little girl that kept trying to push my daughter under the water in the kiddy pool last year. In that case, of course, I had to step in whether her grandmother noticed or not. Another time, I was waiting at the claw machine at HEB, when some kids just plowed over my children and a bunch of other children to cut in line with their buddy bucks. I'm not sure what the "perfect" situation is in that case, but I've gotten tired of just letting it go when I see kids act like that. Either their parents aren't watching close enough, or these kids have become such a handful that their parents don't know what to do with them. The last time I was at HEB, a kid didn't want to use the other claw machine, and tried stealing the balls out of the machine that my little girl was playing at. I finally spoke up, and told him that this was uncalled for. The other machine was in perfectly good order, and he just wanted to be a nuisance (sp?). His mother caught the tail end of what he was doing, after she left from the checkout, and disciplined him for it (at least spoke to him). I don't know what the perfect thing to do is, but I finally felt that I had to start saying something. We need to model appropriate ways to speak up, in front of our kids, so that they can learn to speak up for themselves. Anybody else have some great ideas for how to handle this? I know that this is a little different than what happened, because there really wasn't a parent around. I've gotten so fed up with others not disciplining their own children. It's like they give up and expect everyone else to do the job for them. I've seen it too much as a teacher, and then the teachers get told their being out of line by the parent. Yet, the parents often aren't doing anything. I do think we all need to watch out for, not only our children but others' as well. It really does often take a village to raise a child. When they hear that it's not okay to walk all over another person's rights - - and they hear it from everyone, I would think that would speak volumes. How to go about it the most effectively is another question. I will keep my eye open on this forum and see if anyone has any good ideas on what to say to these kids. I just simply told this last little boy that what he was doing was rude and inappropriate. I also told him that he could either go to the other machine or wait in line like everyone else. I just simply told it like it is.

I am SO with you on this. I hate going to public places and being around families whose children are unruly and the parents do nothing. Kids running around stores, movie theatres and restaurants, bumping into people and being loud and obnoxious... its like the parents use the store personnel as babysitters. This is exactly why I go to walmart only about twice a year... the clientele there make it a miserable experience.

Alot of parents, esp divorced ones, try harder to be their kids friend than a parent, not realizing that they aren't doing any good for their children in raising them that way (and some of them just don't care). Personally, I think it is because its easier and people are lazy. It takes work and time to be a parent, and some parents are so lazy and/or self involved that they would rather their kid be a menace to society than put forth the time and effort needed to raise him/her properly.

i agree with whats been said. If the mother isn't gonna disciple her child then you need to step in. If it was an adult pushing your child you wouldn't hesitate to make them stop.
more than likely from what you have written you will end up having to choose either your child's safety or your friend.
I would suggest talking to your friend if your friends child continues this behavior then i would end the friendship. its not healthy for your child to be treated that way or for your child to see that kind of behavior.

Trust me, it will affect your relationship with the mom. If you raise your children by different standards than she does, there's no way around it. If you are close enough to have a really honest conversation with the mom, then give it a try, but don't expect much. She's already proven to you that disciplining her child is not a priority for her. She'll probably just get defensive and hurt. My advice--find a new friend that shares your parenting priorities. I know it sounds harsh, but I've been there; done that and there's nothing but grief in store for you if you continue with this friendship. It will just get worse as the children get older.

Perhaps you can spend time alone with her when the children are in school. Sometimes you can maintain an adult friendship apart from the kids.

The next time it happens, attend to your child and ask if they are ok. Then address the other child and tell them 'We don't push our friends, it's not nice'. Then move on to something else. If the other child gets upset that you disciplined them, you could say 'I'm sorry, but that's not how we treat our friends. Now would you like to go down the slide with (your child)?' If your friend gets upset that you disciplined her child, you could say 'I'm sorry you don't like it, but I won't tolerate other children treating my child that way, just as I wouldn't tolerate my child treating other children that way. I know you've tried to discipline your child for that in the past, but you don't follow through and it doesn't seem to be effective, and my job is to protect my child.' Of course you want your child to feel like you will stand up for them, so you have every right! Good luck!

Step in! Never allow your child to be pushed around. If the other child's parent does not say anything then you need to say to the other child that their behavior is not acceptable. You need to stand up for your child, this way your child knows that you will protect them no matter what. If the other parent gets upset and no longer wishes to be your friend, too bad. Your child is more important than that friendship.

Good luck!

I'm sorry you and your child are put into such a situation. A child who bullies and a mom who doesn't correct or stop it.

Ok, I have no children and don't completely understand but I've raised a wonderful sister. And maybe as good a friend as she is, it's about your child. You have 2 choices, 1) talk to the mom privately about how you feel. If she and you are a good friends, she will understand; or 2) you need to remove your child from a bully situation and stop seeing your friend.

I wish you the best.
S.

A friend once asked me, "Is it OK if I treat your son the way I do mine?" She is a wonderful friend and a great mom, so I had absolutely no problem with it. I was very impressed with the way she handled it and have remembered that phrase ever since!

If you ask it this way and your friend says no, the choice is clear: friendship with her vs. your child's feelings and safety.

I think you should talk to your friend about it if she truly wants her child to know that what their doing wrong then I guess the saying "truth hurts" better to let her know how you feel than your child to be victim of a bully but when you do talk to her be prepared for anything maybe shes having a hard time and doesn't know who to talk to about this its hard to say i need help here because i think everyone wants to be super mom but even super mom has her off days good luck

S., it is time for you to start disciplining the kid. You are not out of line saying something to the child when he engages in hurtful behavior or unkind words. Say to that child what you would to your own...be kind, but firm.

"Johhny, stop bushing Billy, it is not nice." "Don't say those things to him, that is not how we talk to people." As long as you don't physically discipline him, you are well within your rights to protect your child and teach him that you care what happens to him. If your friend has a problem with that, just use the situation to tell her that it has become such a problem that you had to finally say something to her son.

If she still gives you grief about it, you can start phasing out playing with them and find a kinder child to play with your son.

That might not be a bad idea for your son anyway...sometimes people just don't get a long and your son may really grow to not like this child. You and your friend can go out together in the evenings or do "girl stuff" but don't subject your son to the bullying all the time. Good luck!

I've had SUCH a hard time with this myself. It got so bad in my case it really started to affect how I felt about my friend and I was on the verge of just dropping her but wrote her a letter telling her how I felt and how unfair it was that I was always having to take my child out of a situation when it was her child who was creating the problem (giving detailed examples). I also did point out how much I loved my friend in the letter and that I felt that I hoped we could work it out but that I couldn't continue to subject my child to her childs lack of boundaries. It helped actually. She obviously did something with her child because the behaviour improved and although the friendship certainly isn't what it was and probably never will be we're ok with eachother and our kids can play together once in awhile and have fun. Good luck - you have ALL my sympathy! :-(.

If she really is your friend and you are bothered by this behavior then let her know. I personally would discipline the child myself but that is just how my group of friends are! It is expected!

I am in this situation right now...except it is not with my friend's kids but with my sister's kids!!! This can be a little awkward. It has been going on since my daughters were very young. Her kids are boys and about 2 yrs older so they are definitely physically stronger. When her kids would act mean to my kids, she did the same thing, just verbally correct them which did not work. I also tried to correct them myself. This did not work either. I did not have any support from her to give discipline. One thing I learned is that it was my job to protect my kids, both physically and mentally, from things I felt were necessary and not be concerned about what anyone else thought, even family. I did not want my kids to have a defeated feeling around their cousins. Unfortunately, I had to limit their time together to major holidays until older. I told my mom and other family members why. It didn't do a bit of good explaining to my sister so I stopped trying. I think she is getting the picture because only I usually show up for visits without my kids. Anyway, my point is, definitely limit exposure to your friend's kids. You can still maintain a relationship with her by going out to dinner, movie, phone calls. You can simply explain it by saying that the kids must not be getting along well and your child gets upset when her child is around. You can also tell her it may be a stage but you know how kids get and hopefully this will change in the future. If this ruins your friendship, let it go for now. Your family is what is important.

S.,
I have a question before I try and respond to your concerns. How old are the children?

I have had this problem before as well. I don't do well with parents who don't discipline their kids. I won't sit and let my child be pushed around. Tell the child in front of it's mother that if he can not behave then he will not come and play. If that does not work, then discipline the other child how you see fit (i.e time out, corner, skanking, anything that you would do to your own child is exceptable). Your friend has to understand otherwise she isn't much of a friend and doesn't care how your child feels.