sorry so long...i'm really at a loss and so is everyone else around me including hubby, family and teacher's
Ok ladies, so yesterday I put a post up about my daughter being bullied at school, and putting up with the SAME girl for 2 years and now other’s. Well, I can’t say for sure just yet, but now the teacher’s story has changed. A few months ago, my daughter was being picked on and both girls admitted to it, teacher told me to have her come tell her teacher if needed. Well, I had pt conferencing last night, and of course when I brought up the social issues I got a first response like “I really don’t want to talk about it” and well, NOW the story is my daughter is tattling on EVERY little thing from another student not wanting to play with her, to a full push actually being only a nudge when my daughter explains it to her teacher-like she’s having a hard time figuring out, play, accident, or something intentionally mean. She also told me that my daughter got MEAN to another student, the other student asked my daughter to play with her, and my daughter was ok with it, then later my daughter walked away and turned around and started screaming at this girl to the point the girl was almost in tears----that is not like my daughter. Teacher also said that when she’s not out there, she hears more complaints later than when she is, and has no problems when recess is inside. I did tell her I was going to see about sending my husband up there to watch without my daughter knowing he’s there, and when HER teacher is not on duty. Seeing as she obviously has a degree in early child development I also asked her how she thinks I should go about finding the problem, and she didn’t know what to tell me …huh??
My daughter is probably REALLY stressed right now, she’s been coming home from her dad’s oddly quiet, she’s witnessed him cussing me and his wife out over the phone, and last year they were having arguments to the point of screaming and cussing around my daughter, he was allowing his wife to shower WITH my daughter and it took me calling DHS to get that stopped and of course because we have joint custody, I cannot get her help without his permission, he FINALLY JUST agreed to it. Which is being worked on
I’ve contacted a counselor, and going to ask her to go watch my daughter for a little bit at school before actually meeting her, so my daughter doesn’t play any differently than normal.
My conclusion to it all??
I’m trying to figure out a number of scenarios that could be the root: Anger issues with her dad from all the screaming, cussing, fighting, and his wife showering with her AFTER I told her dad she was not comfortable with this? Being only child and having to learn the game cannot always be played HER way and she cannot always be the leader? She is being bullied when teacher’s are not watching and she’s getting fed up with it and starting to “fight back”-which I don’t blame her if that’s the case. I think it’s a combination of it all, and thinks it’s downright strange that last time I talked with her teacher (less than 2 months ago), she was the victim and was TOLD to come tell someone, now just about EVERYONE at school is turning her down in addition to SHE’S the bad guy
Just not sure, my husband advised me not to say anything to her on the matter, and let the counselor help me figure it out. My dad is going to talk to her when he comes up for thanksgiving (maybe-if she still needs it), and see if he can get anything out of her (they have a good relationship)
I am seriously at a loss and so is everyone else around me. the thing that scares me the most, is she’s usually pretty open to me and I can usually get A LOT out of her. but now, she swears up and down that nothing is wrong even though I can see it in her there IS something that’s not right…maybe bully has threatened her, and she’s afraid to say anything?? I really don’t know. She has told me that when she goes to her dad’s she doesn’t mind being there, when his wife and him are not together, she said when they are both home, she just wishes she could come home…my daughter is 7, she’s a EXCELLENT student, and has a tendency to let her grades be known, I have explained to her that it’s not the other kids business what your grades are, and when you let them know you’re giving them a “reason” to pick on you especially those that struggle. I also explained to her that it’s not fair to other kids for her to “brag” because they may actually have mental or disabilities of some kind she knows absolutely nothing about. I explained to her to let ME do the bragging, or just to get it off her chest she can get “big head” with me…..
my mom even said after watching her play with other kids, it could be her that's the problem and may take getting her a black eye or bloody nose to stop.......but that she'll figure it out....made no sense
dunno
I verified with the teacher and told them that i will probably be sending someone up to watch her, with THEIR knowledge but not her's so she doesn't act any different, and finally i got her dad agree to letting her go to counseling although he doesn't think she needs it.
Once again, you are asking for more trouble if you have her father go watch her at school without anyone knowing. That is a big mistake unless the school is in on it.
Wow, it is hard to hear that our children are not as they seem to us.
This is for all children not just your child....
Remember when your child tells you things she wants your attention.
She wants to have your sympathy.
She may be trying to distract you, from what is really going on in her life.
Anything that comes to you from school through your child's mouth, believe 50% of.. Maybe they will do you the courtesy and believe 50% of what daughter is telling them about you and your ex..
I suggest you may want this rule to also follow what goes on at her dads house also.. gosh knows what she is telling them about you..
I am a child of divorce, I was older but my sister, was much like your daughter.. She was very young when our parents divorced and needed lots of attention. My mom learned to listen, but try not to react OR always believe 100% things were the way sister said they were..
My sister is still kind of like this.. She needs a tremendous amount of attention, she BELIEVES the world revolves around HER. She also seems to see everything ads a personl attack or questioning her beliefs.. It drives us all crazy, but we know that she seemed so upset by the divorce, was super sensitive, that we probably fed into it.. Also since my mom worked full time and my dad, was an angry sort of person, they just had not realized sister was needing so much attention and professional help.
Even with years of therapy as an adult, sister has not learned it is not all about her.. That it is ok, to not be the center of attention. Not everybody wants to do what we want and that it is not a reflection on her, it is just the way real life is..
I suggest daughter be sent to therapy ASAP. I suggest you and her her father not try to figure out who is to blame, but instead to put ALL of the energy into getting daughter help so that she can get back on track.
In the meantime.. Let daughter know you love her. That she is a good girl.
She also has to watch her own behaviors.. NO ONE likes a tattle tale. NO one likes a person that is bossy (I am bossy) and will not let others have a chance to talk to decide how to play etc..
Also tell her the story of the boy that cried wolf.. Let her know that she needs to learn how to be a friend, how to allow others to have a chance to lead..
She also need to apologize to anyone that she has slighted , bullied or hurt their feelings..
I am sending you strength and clarity. If daughter has a therapist, the therapist can also help you understand what perimeters your daughter needs.
Our little angels do fool us from time to time. I'm glad that you are able to admit that your daughter isnt perfect. It just sounds like you need to work on her social skills some. No one likes a tattle tail thats for sure. Talk with her more mom, do some one on one things with her and just discuss as you go... she's always listening. Even if there are disruptive and confusing things going on at home, you can still keep boundaries for her behavior and dont allow her to act out. We cant blame the world for our problems, we have to learn how to face and react to them.
You got some very good advice from Martha and other moms. This problem extends beyond just the scope of school, but that is where it is all being played out. Keep the parenting at home and the educating at school. That is, don't have your husband do a secret watching - you need to trust the school. I know it is hard, but you really need to go through standard procedures. Besides, it is the sum of her behaviors, not what may or may not be witnessed on one secret surveillence.
In my opinion, your focus needs to be on her home life, You need to get her to a counselor, possibly as a family because this is more than can be fixed by your teacher. Also, involve the school psych.and be very honest about what your daughter has experienced. Even if she does not qualify for school services (social groups etc.) the school psych can give you some good referrels and strategies to work on at home.
Good luck,
C.
S.,
Find your daughter a social skills class with a psychiarist, speech therapist, or cognative behavioral therapist. Bragging is unattractive, makes other people feel bad, and draws negative attention for any person, adult or child. If she is doing that at school, she is going to find herself in very lonly company, regardless of anyone elses mental state because it says "I am better than you...wanna play?" Not gonna happen.
Follow the advice I gave you before. You spoke to the teacher two months ago instead of writing, and now the school does not see an issue, except that they have a kid who is bothering them with every little thing and they see that as a pain. Because there is no record of the initial contact, they are going to blame you and her, because it is your problem and you cannot prove otherwise. If you could hold anything in your had to prove that any of what they said before even happened, you would not have this problem, because their memories are as long as the writen word, but evaporate in thin air if you can't produce a tape recording. It actually never happend, and they would sware that they never had that conversation with you if it suited them on the witness stand, trust me, I have had many a teacher on the stand, and they "can't recall" a ton. That is how it works, that is how the school lawyers train them. Start writing, and you just have to accept that you are starting from now, instead of then, because that is how it works when you talk instead of writing.
Sending your husband to the playground is going to complicate things and make your family unwelcomed at school. They can, and will tell you not to come back without an invitation and an escort if you cause them a problem. You have all the tools you need. A computer, paper, envelopes, and stamps.
M.
Communication is the most important thing right now. You need to sit down calmly with your daughter in a non- judgemental manner. Acknowledge that you know there are problems and that you want to help her resolve them whether its by helping her deal with another student or by managing her own anger. You should work out together how to deal with a bully situation and even practice at home so that your daughter is secure in how she will handle it next time. If you daughter is dealing with her own frustration, then you need to offer alternative ways to express her feelings without lashing out at others. Listen to what your daughter tells you - Look deep into each story and try to find a common thread. The calmer you are the more comfortable your daughter will feel to open up to you.
If the teacher isn't helpful, then you might have to get another person at the school involved; counselor, principal, coach, etc. Try to listen to what they have to say without getting defensive. If your daughters behavior is part of the problem, then you will have to acknowledge that and work to help resolve it.
Children don't deal with stress and unhappiness in the same way adults do. They can blame themselves for their parents unhappiness or lash out at others when they are frustrated. Bullied children will often bully others to try and feel better.
There are some great self help books on dealing with childhood anger management. You might also check to see if your insurance will pay for some professional counseling sessions (but choose carefully) Look for someone who specializes in Childhood Clinical Psychology. If after the first couple sessions, you don't feel a connection with the Dr then move on to another until you find one you feel is going to help.
Remember - no matter were the problem lies, it is rare that a child is just naturally mean. It is almost always, displaced frustration, anger or sadness. The best way to deal with it is to offer them the tools they need to resolve their feelings without causing pain to others.
Wow that's strange. Will ex allow you to take her to counseling to find out what is going on?
This sounds like a complicated issue and it sounds like you have good advice as well.
I will say that as a parent who is in school some and with kids in a scouting situation - kids are punks! :-) I can't believe how young some of these kids are accomplished manipulators of adults - by that I mean, the bullys who know exactly when to do what so that the adults don't see it, but they torment the heck out of the kids.
Personally, I have taken on the "not allowed at all" mentality and when I am in charge, scouting, I stop it - no questions asked and no explanations allowed. When I am not in charge, I still comment about it. I am sick and tired of mean children and mean people ruling this world! I say that only slightly tongue in cheek. We have to put a stop to bad behavior and it has to start young and we have to all agree to do it (school, social and family).
Good luck to you and keep reaching out for the help you need for your daughter.
Does your daughter have just one friend in the class? One other child she can pal around with will boost her self esteem and help her see peers more as equals.
As for fighting we have always told our child it is ok to defend yourself but you should never start a physical fight because you will be the one who will be more trouble then it is worth. Also have you tried any martial art type class they all teach self discipline, respect of self and others, it will help her in many ways. Be her advocate at school and help to understand she can change the situation by changing the way she feels about herself. Good luck to you!
J. O
