Bully Invited to Sleepover Party--should We Go?

It's too bad the host mom is being such a wimp. If I had to invite someone like Jane, I would pull Jane aside and in a very matter of fact way, tell her I would not put up with any bullying or meanness. And if she chooses to make any of the girls uncomfortable I will call her mother to come and get her.

Don't allow her to go. I was bullied, too and I wish that it never happened if preventable.

My mom said that Sometimes bully make you stronger though, but the scar left was traumatizing. I don't agree with her, yes life is difficult and we can't run away from life, but lets run if it is possible.

IF she wants to go, this might be a good opportunity for her to face her fears and slay her dragon, right?

She knows she can come home at anytime.

I would encourage my daughter NOT to go. To go, says it's okay if you invite a bully and you all gang up on me and bully me.

To not go says I don't like the way you treated me and I'm not going to stand for it. No, I don't want to come to your party because you don't have the courage to not invite a bully. I would rather spend time with you that we both can enjoy and that isn't going to leave a sour taste in my mouth.

If you want to be bullied, go for it, but I choose not to!

I'm so sorry about this. This mother is an enabler for Jane and should be ashamed of herself for allowing Jane to treat anyone like this at her home. This mom cares more about what Jane's parents think of HER than she cares about how children in her care are treated.

I would not send your daughter. Take her out for a very fun time - something very special.

Dawn

I would let your daughter decide. If she is brave enough to go, then arm her as best as you can. I would say since the mom at this party seems more aware of the problem, she may call Jane out on it and the problem will stop.

I would also tell your daughter to stand up for herself. Be vocal and grown up. If Jane is acting in a way that upsets your daughter, have her tell her.
"Jane, I don't appreciate how you are treating me. Please stop." You might be surprised what will happen if just one girl in the group steps up and says something.

My mom has a sleep over and she finally told of the girls if she couldn't be respectful to her and to the other girls then she would call her mother and the little girl could go home. That kid was perfect the rest of the night. :)

Hmmm....that's a tough one. I feel really bad for your daughter :( Being involved in Girl Scouts, I totally understand the dilemma this puts on the Host Mom/GS Leader. We are not supposed to exclude any of the girls so I know where she is coming from. However, if she were in our troop I would have no problem telling her Mom to get her kid under control or I will. I will not sit idly by while someone is being bullied.

There are times when I say it is very important for kids to learn to navigate through life and deal with things on their own. However, I do not feel this is one of those times. She is 10 years old and Jane pretty much bullied her the entire night last year and makes her miserable every time they are together. I'm not reading anything in your post that makes me think Jane won't opt for a repeat performance of last year and frankly how many hours of Jane's bs should a 10 y/o have to take?

This is such a rough age for your daughter to begin with and to have to have all this drama dumped on her is uncalled for. I think you've handled all of this wonderfully. The only other solution I can see is if you're open to it let your daughter have a sleep over in the near future inviting all of the other girls that she does get along with and exclude Jane the Pain. (Yes, I know I just called her a name...but I just couldn't help myself...I hate a bully.)

There is no need to wait for her birthday or other special occasion. You/she could host a good old fashioned slumber party with only the nice girls. You could do a "cheer" themed party, kids cooking theme (have them make their own pizzas for dinner), jewelry making, spa day, or even movie night. I'm sure if you google it there are a ton of age appropriate themes for slumber parties.

That way your daughter can still enjoy the pleasure of the other girls company without the stress of dealing with Jane's drama. Yes, she will still be a bit sad about not attending the birthday party but if she knows she will soon host her own party with the same girls in a few weeks that should lesson the blow.

You are also teaching your daughter that she is entitled to be treated properly and she does not have to put up with anything less. Her physical and emotional well being are more important than anything else on this earth. The best lesson I hope to teach my girls is their own value and self worth. If you know, and I mean really believe in your heart that you are a wonderful, intelligent, compassionate, loving, beautiful soul......then nothing anyone can ever say or do to you will EVER make you doubt yourself. You will be so confident in who you are as a human being that you will not tolerate anyone disrespecting you.

Sadly, we can't fix all their boo boo's and heart aches but they are only this young once and well gosh darn it, I'll do what I can to patch them up when/where needed. Honest, even at 10 it's ok if Mommy makes it all better on occasion ;D Hugs to you and your daughter.

Peace and Blessings,
T. B

She needs to address this with the friends other than Jane. They are the ones with the most power to change the situation. If she decides to go, she should get together beforehand with a couple of the other girls that she feels closest to and are most likely to stand up against Jane. She should confront those girls about how she feels when Jane picks on her and ask for their support and work with them to have some strategies in place. It would be a gutsy move for her, but really the only way she is going to make this situation work.

Added: Just read your SWH and it sounds like a great way to handle it at this time. Kudos!

If your daughter wants to go, encourage her to go and to speak up to the bully if she pulls anything.

She can also bring it to the attention of the other girls with, "hey Jane, we are all here for Suzy' s birthday. I know these other girls do not like it when you are always picking on someone. Right girls? So let's have fun and drop the teasing."

If Jane says anything, just say, "let me go and get Suzy's mom, she knows all about you and how you act. Let's ask her for her opinion on this." Then tell your daughter to get the mom to speak with the group.

You give mom the heads up, so she will be prepared.

This is one of the ways our children's elementary school, taught them to speak to a bully. Include the whole group. It will empower them.

I would have her skip the party. It doesn't sound like she'd be comfortable tattling on Jane, and even if she did, would the host mom send Jane home?? She'd probably question Jane, Jane would deny it, then the host mom would go off and leave Jane to continue to bully your daughter. If ALL of those shenanigans went on at the last party, the host mom is clearly not in the room(s) with them watching what's going on.

I can't believe they invited Jane again! I really think that Mom made the wrong decision. But I guess she thinks she has to being the Girl Scout Leader and all. Only the children who had the good behavior should be the ones that get invited back again. Geez, are there no consequences for these bullies? But, sadly, you can't tell her who to invite or who not to invite. I would advise my daughter not to go. Maybe you can invite some nice girls that aren't in girl scouts for a sleep over or maybe have a mom and daughter night. Respectfully, I don't agree with Mamazita because the bully wouldn't be invited over in any other circumstance. She only got in on a technicality. And also ten is still pretty young to have to brace yourself for the harsh realities of a bad female relationship. I think most of our female interactions are fine, I'm not quite so negative about them. I think this website proves that for the most part, we really are pretty nice and supportive of each other and the bullies are not really the norm.

Mamazita said it perfectly. Going to the party is scary, but hiding at home and missing it all is worse. These are good lessons for your daughter; she needs to learn to stand up to girls like Jane.

Trust that the mom will keep an eye on then. Role play a few responses with your daughter, including, "No, I'm putting my sleeping bag over here." If she can do that ONE thing, put her sleeping bag where she wants to, it will give her a lot of strength.

If it ever becomes really bad, she can always call you to pick her up. You should tell her it doesn't matter if they talk about her -- girls talk about everyone.

I think she should go.

I think your daughter should reach out to her friend and have her over for a sleepover. I think you are right in suggesting that sending her to this while she's already 'on her guard' would likely be stressful. And while your daughter likes these other girls, the mom is in a spot, feels she can't not invite "Jane", and this set of girls are already being conditioned to let Jane have her way.

If this was a tight group which your daughter was always part of, I'd lean more toward helping her figure this out. However, as this isn't her core group of friends, I'd likely suggest an alternate fun thing. She may be really wanting an 'out' from you, even if she doesn't want to say so.

I only read a few of the responses before I decided to just give you my initial thoughts. My gut feeling was: keep your daughter home. She will be miserable. She will constantly be wondering what Jane might be up to, even if she doesn't do anything... which you know she will. And you know it will be directed at your daughter! She's the only "odd one out".

My very first thought was: And if you send your daughter, then YOU are contributing to there being no consequences to Jane's behavior. If you send your daughter, then Girl Scout Leader's birthday daughter doesn't have to make a difficult choice, and neither does Girl Scout Leader. It lets THEM off the hook for continuing to embrace Jane, KNOWING what she does. If anyone asks you why (or your daughter), simply tell them that your daughter does not enjoy being bullied and picked on, so you chose to skip it. They should all know who is responsible without you saying a word. And if they ask, decline to answer. THEY KNOW. Maybe if one child, one mom, steps up and puts a foot down... some of the other girls will have the courage to do the same.
And if they don't.... you have spared your daughter from a night of anxiety and worry and stress, and if things would have gone like you expect they will, the mental anguish of "why me?" "what did I do wrong?" "why doesn't she like me?" "why do my friends let her do this?" etc etc etc.... that will stick in the back of her mind for a long time to come.
If her friends behave that way when "Jane" is around, maybe they aren't that great of friends to begin with. And maybe, your daughter staying home will prompt some of the girls to stop and consider things from a different angle and with a touch more maturity. maybe.

Sorry you and your daughter have to make this decision. It shouldn't be this way. Maybe next year (if there is a party like this) Girl Scout Leader Host Mom will reconsider her guest list and exclude anyone who bullies.

I wouldn't let her go. Have her make plans to stay overnight at another friend's house so that her mind isn't preoccupied about the sleepover. I'm sure Jane will turn her attention to someone else unfortunately. The mom supervising the sleepover should have nipped that in the bud. I would have addressed the bossy/bully issue with Jane had a conversation with her parent. These poor girls are being sucked in by the mean girl. I know this must be tough for your daughter, but I would not subject her to this situation any further.

Is Jane in Girl Scouts with the girls? If so, you can always bring bullying up to the leader and they can try to address it during scouts.

We had several girls who were having issues with other kids at school...not even GS girls. So we talked about what type of friend each girl in troop was, how would she handle herself in these situations. What's the best way...

Maybe it's something that can be addressed at GS even if Jane is not in GS.

I would leave it up to my daughter...and let her know that any moment she's not feeling safe or happy to call me and I will come get her.

hmm. i think it would be worth a try. first because your daughter might always regret not going, if it turns out nothing happens. but going could really be a learning experience for her.

what about encouraging her to talk to one of her closer friends about it? something like "hey sally...jane is really a bully huh?"..."it really upset me last year how she was such a jerk."...."maybe this year, we stand up to her?" maybe give her some ideas of things for them to say when she starts in. if she is friends with these girls WITHOUT jane around...maybe she could open up the subject and get the girls on HER side so that jane is kind of ostrasized herself, when the bullying starts. i don't know, obviously that is a little delusional, after-school-special, but still. it couldn't hurt to bring it up. sometimes all it takes is speaking something out loud. that kind of peer pressure, "I" think, is not always a bad thing.

So.... what does the Girl Scout leader do at meetings and other events when "Jane" is being such a bully?

At this point, the Girl Scout leader NEEDS to start having some social classes on how to treat others... and show her at events and meetings that this will NOT be tolerated.

How does the Host M. (GS Leader) plan to "keep a close eye on" all of this? She has already shown that she prefers to ignore what Jane does....

Frankly, I would just have your daughter say "I'm sorry, but I have another activity going on that night." If she wants to have a get together with the other girls in that group, can YOU host something like that? (Or... if you want to "include" Jane, be sure you set the example that if ANYONE starts teasing/picking on/bullying other girls they WILL get sent home...... and DO it.. that also shows YOUR daughter that you will not stand for that kind of behavior in your house, and you will protect her and the other girls.)

I like what Jennifer said about the host M. saying "If you don't start acting right and treating everyone nicely, I WILL call your mother and have her come pick you up." And then follow through... but I doubt that this host M. will do that.

If she wants to go by all means let her go!
Facing up to the "mean" girls is an important life skill. She's going to encounter girls (and women) like this for the rest of her life and 10/11 is exactly the age this kind of behavior starts. You don't want her sitting at home, left out and afraid because of what "might" happen, do you? Teaching her to avoid situations where she might get hurt, what kind of message is that?
And don't focus on what you've "heard" about Jane, that's just really gossipy and mean. And so what if it's true? I've known a few girls like this, girls who manipulate and bribe to get others to like them. They end up getting ostracized in middle school. You should feel sorry for her more than anything else.
Focus on teaching YOUR girl to be strong and independent and she will be fine! Don't let your personal insecurities and fears get in her way, you should be cheering her on mama!!!

Girl Scouts are now doing something called "Journeys". They are books that have various teaching and learning tools and they earns awards as they work through the book. The leaders should know what it is.The age level of the Scouts that they should be in has one called "Amaze" and it deals with bullying as well as cliques and other similar issues. I did this with my troop last year, and the girls learned how to stand up for themselves and how to help each other to prevent bullying. And one girl really had her eyes opened up and learned that she was the bully.

I would speak with the other mother and see if she might speak with her daughter's troop leader about working on it.

In the mean time I would let my daughter make the choice to go, and only if you trust that the other mom WILL keep and eye out for Jane's bad behavior.

what kind of "friends" would go along with this bully! crappy ones, don't go.

By allowing this girl to get away with these behaviors all the adults in her life and doing her a disservice. They are not teaching her to have morals or standards.

I would explain that as a mom sometimes we have to make decisions for our kids that we feel is just the better choice for them.

This mom will not stay up all night. They will wait for her to go to her room and all he** will break lose on your daughter. She does not need to learn at this age that she is worthless from this girl and ALL the other girls that allow her to do this and even follow her expample. IF they all stood up to her and said "That's not nice, you have to leave or be nice" this girl would conform to the group expectations and not act like this again. They are children and allowing this bully to make them bullies too.

If it's not your daughter this time it will be someone else. Do you want your daughter to participate in the mass behavior this group exhibits???? She needs to stay at home and for future sleep overs this mom needs to ask at least on other mom to come help her keep them in line.

Where the heck was she when they were all locked in the basement and hiding? How differently would you feel if they had locked your daughter in the basement instead? That may be the plan this year. I would not want my child to even worry about this activity another moment. She would be told she's not going so she does not have to worry about the pressure.

I think your plan of action outlined in "So What Happened" is a great way to go. I remember how it felt to be at a "friends" party and having my other "friends" join in with a bully to pick on me. It felt awful the first time it happened, and at every party where the bully was after that. I don't remember whether I discussed it with my parents, but I think a plan such as the one you and your daughter have come up with would have made those tween years and parties a lot more fun, with a lot less anxiety!
I am also glad that you will be discussing this with the host's mom - maybe she can even think about having the Girl Scout troupe do a unit on the effects of bullying.
Best of luck to your daughter!

I think you've made the right decision. Yes, confronting bullies is part of growing up, but so is learning how to avoid uncomfortable, unhappy, or (when kids are older) dangerous situations. Your daughter will have to face bullies in her life, but she does NOT have to put herself in their paths! Good job, Mom!

there is no one good answer as to how to deal with bullies, as we're all seeing these days. and to make things even more complicated, kids are rarely bullies or not-bullies. even the nicest kids often do a brief stint of being the bully for a variety of reasons. it's very hard for the parents of bullies to admit that.
certainly adults need to step in and stop egregious bullying. and kids need to learn to go to adults for help when it's beyond what they can handle.
but for those who are so quick to jump on GS mom for being wimpy, micromanaging these girls' relationship is a very slippery slope. not only does it disempower the girls themselves, but it also causes the bullying to turn from overt, easily-identified bad behavior into sneaky, subversive, subtle bullying that will not and cannot be controlled.
so rather than put all the solution onto avoiding jane or insisting that GS mom must handle everything, i'd focus mainly on giving your daughter coping techniques. that will last far longer and have far more positive benefits than this one sleepover.
it's easy enough to skip this party, but it won't ultimately do anything for your daughter, jane, the group of girls or the larger problem. and having a party for the girls that excludes jane is almost as bad as the original problem. i understand the desire to 'teach her a lesson' but it won't work that way.
i think you should work with your daughter on pro-active ways of dealing with the janes of the world, and send her. you've alerted GS mom so she'll be aware of the situation, and you should trust both her AND your daughter to cope. if you really want jane's every move scrutinized, then either pick your daughter up early or have her avoid the party, but be prepared to deal with this over and over.
khairete
S.

I want to point out that obviously the host mom/girl scout leader is also afraid of this girl and her family. Otherwise this girl would have learned long ago that she couldn't act like this around her because she couldn't get away with it. I wouldn't trust her to keep an eye on the situation.

I was obese as a kid and bullied all the time. It was so sad and life-changing for the worst !

Have an "Autumn" sleepover in October and invite the girls over---minus "Jane."

Jane's parents will have major issues later on when she becomes a teen. These things just haven't happened yet. Jane's parents are "doormats"!

I would go to the party and hang out w/ the Mom for a while and keep an out, then plan to leave. There will be many more parties...

The bully in my daughter's school is as sweet as sugar pie in front of her own parents. Even when they are confronted they deny it. The kid has them wrapped !!!!

You and your daughter do NOT need to be subjected to this kid when she bullies. Hopefully, Jane will get sick that day...

It's sad that Jane is like this when bullying is known about so much more today !!!

Haven't read the other responses. Could you plan to maybe have your daughter attend the party for a few hours and then just pick her up unless you hear otherwise that she wants to stay? If she goes to the party with everyone knowing that she needs to go home early (maybe invent an excuse that something is happening early the next morning), then she won't look like "a baby" for leaving if she is not having a good time. If she does decide to stay after she's been there, she can call to let you know that. But it will look cooler to her friends for her to ask and be granted permission to stay rather than to be picked up. Either way, she can see her friends without feeling like she is going to be trapped there the entire night.

I read your update and think that is great. I remember going to a slumber party with my BFF at about the same age and another girl (that I didn't know) slapped me in the face at the party, and the girls all laughed and called me "midget" (for whatever reason- just being mean, we were all the same height, etc.) I was floored that my friend/s did not stick up for me and followed this bully, but also terrified of getting into another situation like this in the future.

Obviously, it has stuck with me for 25+ years, so I know how these things affect us! I would just tell it to her straight- my experience, your experience, etc. and say you DO NOT have to put up with it. I know it's a big deal to be called a baby, but I wish I had stood up to the girl and just called my mom- would have saved me a lot of anxiety that night (and possibly in the future when I was around her.)