Ok moms - this is for all the moms out there who have or who are raising boys. My 10 year old and his friend down the street play together fairly good except for within the last 2 months. My son's friend all of the sudden will do something mean like throw the football directly at my son's face when they were playing great together. Or start to call him names. Our policy on fighting is don't ever start it, try to walk away when you can, but if you can't or have just had enough - fight back. Well, last night - after 2 incidents - last week - my son's friend started calling my sons all kinds of names for no reason. My son took a flying leap & tackled him. My son's face got scratched up but otherwise no harm. The friend was sent home. Do I put an end to the friendship or let it continue as it normally does and in a couple of days they will be great friends again ? And - when they get into a fight - do I let them have it out or break it up ? Last night my husband broke up the fight. And to complicate matters - they are in the same class at school (but with no issues there so far)! So confused......
They might be spending TOO much time together. I wouldn't end the friendship,but I would have them take a break from each other for at least a few days or more. Good Luck!
Hi D.,
My guess is there's something going on to cause tension at the friend's house and that's why he's acting out. Regardless, that does not excuse the behavior. I would tell his mom what happened so she can delve deeper. Then on the next play date, warn the friend and your son together that if they can't get along, the friend will not be allowed to come over for a while. Maybe a week at first, then two weeks, etc. Make it clear that in our family, we don't treat each other like that and we won't tolerate it from other people who come into our home.
Good luck!
M.
ban the child from your home forever if need be. second talk to the parents about this child's behavior ... once and that's it. if the child is treating your son in this manner, he might be treating others the same way. and if something happens in the classroom/school involving the both of them, let your son decide what is best ie walking away and reporting the bad behavior of his "friend" to a school authority. good luck.
I can't say for sure but it could be the beginning of hormones and territories. Some boys go through it more than others. As for them being together all the time, may be have a cooling off period after school or suggest other friends to play with for a bit. It could be too much togetherness rather than not enough togetherness. Good luck to you. The other S. PS We had a friend that had a daughter the same age as our son and they would play together great for several days or visits and then they would scream and fight with each other. So it is the make up of the child. We parents did live through it and remain friends even when the kids were not cordial.
I think it's normal for boys at this age to test boundaries. It's hard for the "nice" ones to understand because all their lives it's always been "play nice" and "share" etc. But now their friends are starting to explore their independence. Some may not agree but I think starting fights is also a normal age thing right now. And, if a kid up the street is starting it and pushing too far, then he needs to be shown that your boys will NOT take it. That is your sons' chance to play his part in the whole "I'm independent too" dance that boys do.
I know how hard it is when we see our kids act in ways that are surprising to us. Just don't freak out and try to put yourself in their shoes. It's great you have a husband who's helping too. My husband is better with "boy issues" and I'm better with "girl issues". LOL
I also don't think a fight means the end of a friendship. Maybe now your boys and that kid have set some new boundaries that are good to have with any friendship.
Good luck! Hang in there!
That's a toughie. I would break up any physical fighting between them for sure. Tell your son it is his choice who he hangs out with. He may decide for himself that this boy is not such a good friend after all. They are at a tough age and conflict is going to occur. I would let them play if your son wants to, but send him home if things start to get heated. Maybe encourage some other relationships that he may have. Have him invite some other boys over for a playdate instead. Maybe that other boy will realize that his behavior will have consequences. Good luck!
Well, I have 2 boys, but they are still very young (4 and 5)however...I think you've handled it well. I wouldn't interfere too much. This is what boys do (according to my husband). They fight, then they get over it. They are NOT girls and don't handle things the way girls do. At 10, my opinion (for what it's worth)is that he's old enough to start learning how to deal with people on his own. He'll decide what he will take and what he won't and see the consequences of his decisions. Let him make thethese decisions now before the consquences are life changing. This may just not be a good friend, but I bet your husband has loads of stories where he got into a physical fight w/at least 1 boy and they were best friends afterwards. Good luck to you...gosh, it's so hard to know when to step in and when to back off, but I think you're doing what's best for him.
I think you are handling it very well. If there is a next time, I might take both of them back to the friends house and have a chat with the mom about it. Maybe tell her what happened and then maybe call her later if you know her and see if there has been any changes lately. It's amazing how something so small, can set off kids. I have an 11 year old boy myself. Maybe he's just going through a phase or like one person said, he could be on some new meds, but I think the other mother needs to know what's going on too.
Always try and get both sides to the story. Even though we want to believe our little angels would never do anything, they can be good at hiding those horns just as well as anyone.
Good luck!!!
When our son had a friend who would suddenly do something mean, we sent him home right away every time he did anything like that. I think it helped teach our son that he doesn't need to just sit and put up with being bullied.
We did talk to the mother as well, and as it turned out, the boy was on steroids, which tend to make a child more aggressive.
I do suggest having a word with the parents, just to see if something is going on, then tell the boy that he will need to go home if he can't keep his hands and mean words to himself. Send him home the first time, don't give chances. He'll get the idea quickly, or get sent home every time he comes over.
It seems you are handling this situation very well....allowing the boys to interact on their own terms until it becomes physicially threatening. Let them work through this on their own. It will be a life lesson for them on personal relationships and how they transcend the good and the bad days.
You've gotten a lot of good advice. Boys are more aggressive and forgiving than girls. I grew up with all sisters however, my husband has really schooled me with the boys. I would first talk with your husband on handling this. I wouldn't break up their friendship, but talk with both of them together and probably with the other parents. I think you've also done everything I would do and feel the same.
Hang in there momma!
I would not consider that something to let him get away with. I would intervene and tell the friend that there are rules to your house and you have noticed lately that he is not following your rules, they may include not being mean, no name calling etc. Then when you notice it getting to that spot send him home with a firm admonishment that if he can't behave he can't come over. His behavior is more than a friendly spat. He seems to be crossing boundaries. A friendly spat would not end up with tackling etc. I have 3 boys and although they do get on each others nerves, I have never seen them act this way with a friend. And there about 12-14 boys in my neighborhood that come and go at my house, all various ages from 7-15. There are some minor spats, but nothing physical. And basically I call the boys on it because it violates my rules for manners and decent behavior, not because my boys can't handle it. Afterall, if it is my house and my duty to oversee the kids playing there. There was one incident where one little boy did end up being mean to my youngest son, telling him to shut-up, go home, etc. I just told my son he couldn't play with him anymore. Then when the kid came by, I told the kid that my son couldn't play because that kid couldn't be nice. And I didn't like the things that I was hearing. That friends didn't treat friends that way, and that unless he changed his behavior he wasn't welcome at our house. And it worked. He just needed boundaries set. That his behavior wasn't tolerated, being mean and ugly just wasn't acceptable. To anybody. My son included. That if he was such a bad friend and the kid didn't like him, why was he always at my house trying to play with him.
I think you need to set some boundaries and not tolerate a free-for-all. Your son may need your intervention to handle the situation. This is more than finishing a fight. BTW, I have told my kids the same things. But since they do go to school together and do live close by, then I think that you should not let it escalate anymore. They could turn out to be life-long enemies if the situation isn't guided a little bit more by adults in my opinion. I would confront the friend myself and if that didn't work talk to his mom. And then tell him that he couldn't come over for a while if it didn't stop. Who knows he may be going through some trauma that you don't know about.
Good luck,
L.
The way I see it, friends don't call each other names. I agree with your stance on fighting, but that shouldn't happen between friends. I have two boys, almost 12 and 5, and that type of behavior is not tolerated. If my son had a "friend" that was treating him like that - the name calling, I would point out how much nicer other people were to be around, and would encourage other friendships. We live on a farm rather than in a neighborhood, so that makes it easier; we can bring in the friends that we want. Having them in the same class makes it a bit tricky, too. However, I would certainly discourage that type of friendship, and physical fighting needs to be a last resort for self-defense against enemies, not something you do with your friends. I'm sorry you're having to deal with such a difficult situation.
