Ugh...I Don't like Confrontation!!!! Please Help Us:(

The more he stays around this boy the more he's going to assimilate his behaviors and attitudes. I suggest you say no, be the bad guy, just say no more.

Hubby is overreacting. Can't they just get together less often, you supervise a little and report bad behaviors to the parents.

Sounds like your son is already on the path to ending the friendship....in HIS OWN way. Your son no longer wants to go over to this boy's house and play, that's called distancing oneself from someone. It also sounds like your son is not asking for this boy to come over as often either.

Your husband needs to back off and quit bullying your son into making a snap decision. Your younger son defended himself just fine, in my opinion. It really sounds to me like you and your boys are handling this just fine without your husband's interference.

Maybe practice role-playing conversations between your son and the other boy, where YOU are the other boy.

RING RING
Son: Hello?
You (as other boy): Hi, can you come over and play?
Son: I don't really want to.
You: Why not?
Son: You've been really mean to us lately, and I don't really want to play with you if you're going to be mean.
You: Oh, come on, I PROMISE (fake sincerity) I'll be nice.
Son: Not today, maybe another day.

Something like that. Not everything has to be in your face aggressive.

Listen to H. Hopefully, you can express it better than to, grow a pair, but standing up for yourself is a very necessary skill. It's pretty safe to assume that violence is not going to stop at the first kid who annoys him enough to get punched or that he will stop back talking your H.

Stop looking at it like, your H must really dislike this kid and look at it like, how much does my H love his family, that he doesn't want kids around that disrespect them, verbally and physically.

You are not doing this kid any favors by tolerating bad behavior. Of course he doesn't have friends, he hits them! Untill he ties together his behavior and consequences, he will not change. He has parents to help him do this. It's not your job to sacrifice your kids so you don't have to feel bad about this one. Stop letting your feelings ruin your common sense.

It's no wonder H expresses bravery with the masculine "growing a pair".
He thinks your fear of bad feelings expresses all women's feelings.

There will be worse days ahead for your child. He needs the ability to make assertive decisions. Think middle school locker room. Don't hog tie him to bad friends, bad enemies or a bad girlfriend because he is afraid of his own feelings about their feelings. They will get over it.

M.:

You and your son need to role play and find the "balls" to get this under control.

I totally understand where your husband is coming from. PROTECT THE FAMILY.

So what would I do? I would sit with my son and TEACH him how to handle the situation. If the boy calls before he comes over? Practice saying NO over the phone.

If the boy asks WHY? He NEEDS to hear the truth!
Your son needs to say "NO, because you are mean now." IF the boy says "NO, I'm not" - your son MUST tell him - "you punched my LITTLE brother without any reason. That seals the deal for me."

Your son needs to stand his ground. YOU need to stand your ground.

it's not your place to "fix" this other child nor his family. You might be doing him a favor by showing him that his behavior is NOT acceptable and if he wants friends, he needs to act like one.

Good luck!

Your 8 yr old no longer wants to play with him.
That's the end of it right there.
What point is there to getting together again?
None.
It's not your or your son's problem that this other kid has no friends.
Not your kid - not your problem.
Repeat that to yourself till you believe and understand it.
When he calls to ask for play dates ask to speak to his mother and say your son doesn't want to play anymore and please stop calling.
You don't have to explain yourself or rationalize.
Your son is about the age where kids get involved in activities and sports.
He'll be meeting other kids and making new friends.
It's what the other boy should be doing too but that's for his Mom to figure out.

This really doesn't have anything to do with confrontation or forgiveness or growing a pair.

From the sounds of it, your son doesn't want to play with this kid any more. He has a right not to play with someone, if he doesn't want to. It's not up to your husband to force him to grow a pair, and you don't need to instill forgiveness in your son (not in this case, anyway). It's as simple as him getting to choose his friends.

Role play with your son, if you have to. Come up with a kind but firm sentence that he can use to respond to the boy when the boy asks him to play.

Friendships ebbing and flowing is common and normal. His response can be as simple as "No, thanks."

I agree with the moms that said your son should just tell the boy that he doesn't want to play with him anymore because he has been mean lately. I think if you let your son do it, it will put him in a place where he will learn to stick up for himself and not be so scared if he has to stick up for himself and mom and dad aren't around to help him. I applaud your husband for wanting your son to respect himself and his family. Lots of people don't do that or teach their kids that. And it really is true, that if you let this other kid continue to hang around your son, your son will pick up his bad behaviors. Not a good place to be in. Good luck.

Ugh its hard. Kids make mistakes and if the little boy hit your kid then you know he is learning it somewhere. Maybe this kid use to be nice and it was good match. Kids that age do need some forgiveness. What it comes down to does your son really not want to play with him or does he not want to because of what his dad said. If he really does want to play with the kid but does not want to go up against his dad then its time you be a roll model for this other kid on not hitting and how you behave. If your son really is wanting a break then let the break stand. If the parent asks I would be honest that you feel they should take a break because your son and the family has not liked the change in attitude fo the friend. I feel bad for the kid with no friends but hopefully he'll get a second chance down the road once he has learned to control himself a little better. I always hate to see kids without friends

Have you considered talking to the kid's parents about the friendship itself? Perhaps they will speak with their son. If your son doesn't want to play with the kid anymore, he needs to tell his friend and tell him why. If he would want to be friends if the kid stops hitting, he should tell him that. It seems silly for DH to make out like his second grader is a big man protecting his family and put a lot of guilt on him. He is a little kid figuring out social relationships. That's it.

Your husband is right. He knows something you don't know about the "male code". He probably doesnt like that little boys character and doesnt want his son hanging around him on a regular basis. Parents are supposed to make decisions like this on occasion. Your son will find a new friend, and the troubled boy will too.
If You are planning on being PRESENT the entire time the two boys play together go ahead and continue to nurture the friendship-- it just sounds to me like this little boy has shown more than one behavior that would cause me to steer my child away from him as well.

Forgiveness doesn't mean wiping the slate so clean that you forget what happened. While I think your husband's approach is ridiculous, I do think that the fact that your son doesn't want to be friends with the boy any longer is important and needs to be honored. You and your son have no obligation to have him remain friends with this boy even though apologies were exchanged and even though this other boy doesn't seem to have other friends.

"I'm sorry, Sam, but I don't feel like playing with you any more. Friends don't punch each other and they don't punch each other's little brothers."

If he thinks he can't handle a confrontation then you'll have to handle it with his mom. "I'm sorry, Ella, but Ben is still upset over what happened and I think the boys need some space and time. Let's give it a few months and see what happens."

As for your husband's approach... teaching your son to simply cut off anyone and everyone who ever hurts him or hurts his feelings is going to set your son up for a lifetime of disappointments and he'll never be able to trust anyone. He'll lose friend after friend after friend because EVERYONE including siblings and parents will hurt him and disappoint him at some point. The response shouldn't be an automatic exile.

At eight, his entire social and play schedule is set by you, chauffeured by you, approved or disapproved by you. So you can end this friendship in one stroke:

If you know the family well enough to say this: Tell the parents, "Son and we want the boys to have a break from each other after what happened." Period. Don't badmouth their son (or let your husband badmouth him). He's an eight-year-old kid with issues that may not be of his making. If the other parents say, "But Your Son is Johnny's only friend!" don't cave; be polite and kind -- they likely need some kindness if their kids are having so many issues -- but be firm and say you think all the kids need time apart.

Note that YOU say this, not your son. Unless the boys share school classes, Scouts, whatever, places where you and the other parents are not around - if they see each other just on what you call "visits" (intentional play dates) -- then you need to say it. It is not your son's role at this point to seek out this boy expressly to tell him, "I will not be your friend because you hit my brother." Do not have your son go make a show of "un-friending" this boy, which is what it seems would please your husband. If the boy just drops in unannounced, tell him it is not a good day to play. You do not need to explain., But your son does not need to seek him out.

If you don't know the family so well or you can't handle even saying "Let's take a break," then be too busy. Sorry, Son can't play this week; too much homework/Scouts/church/whatever. The other family will get it pretty quickly. But I favor the up-front, brief, "take a break" followed by then really being too busy.

Age will help too. Get your son a lot of play dates with friends from school and from activities and he will soon get past this. But if he has to do a big confrontation to please dad - wow, that is asking for some negative memories he won't soon erase.

Again, IF the boys have to encounter each other where there are not parents around, yes, do equip your son with words to say -- and rehearse and role play "what to say next tiime Johnny is really begging for a play date, or what to do next time he swings at you or brother at baseball or school etc." But that is substantially different from "taking a stand" somehow by going TO the boy on purpose just to break off the friendship, if that's what your husband is suggesting. Is it? II sure hope not.

Such a sad situation.

I wouldn't want to take a chance with a kid like that, either.

On the other hand, it's hard for an eight-year-old to take a stand which most grownups would be reluctant to take. Can your husband rephrase his attitude accurately in another way? What concerns him - that the neighbor will attack his sons again? Perhaps he's thinking, "Who needs people like this?" That could be it. Well, are they all like that in the family? Have the parents taught (or genuinely allowed) their son to be rude and violent? If they haven't, what does your husband think of that?

This may sound WAY out in left field, but perhaps your husband could talk to the other boy's dad. If that talk goes well, perhaps your husband AND the boy's dad could talk to the boy. "Listen, Freddie, a boy who talks and behaves like you been doing is not the sort of boy kids want for a friend. What sort of boy do you want to be? We'll help you work on it."

It's interesting that this boy has changed his behavior only recently. What's with the sudden attitude changes? Are his parents aware of this? Does the boy need a physical checkup?

OK I'm going to go against the grain here. Does your son not want to play with him because of his recent behavior? Or are they growing apart anyway? If it's the former, this would be a great way to teach your son empathy, compassion and forgiveness. He can be honest with this boy and say that because he tends to be unexpectedly mean - and hurt his little brother - that your son isn't sure they should hang out right now. If the boy says that he'll be nice and won't hurt anyone, let your son give another play time a chance. If it goes well, great. If the negative behavior arises again, point it out "Johnny, this is the kind of behavior that makes it hard to be your friend. Can you control that and stop what you're doing?" and then decide on no more get togethers if it doesn't go well.

It's not your job to fix this other boy, but it is your job to teach your child how to be gentle when people are going through a hard time. I've had times when my friends and family weren't able to be very good friends or family members for some reason or another. We didn't cut ties, but scaled things back for a bit until they were in a better place. That's how real friendships work.

Your husband, frankly, sounds like a macho bully. I think your heart is in the right place and that your son will learn more by communicating honestly with his friend and seeing if they can repair their friendship before just giving up on the kid and walking away. These aren't men, they're little boys, one of whom is probably experiencing trouble at home that's out of his control and could use some empathy, compassion, and a second chance.

Well whatever the reason that they would stop spending time together i think they are both young ot be getting so deep into a discussion of this nature. It'd really be just reiterating their respective parents feelings mingled with their own.

Why not have a discussion with the other boys parents?

At the very least if the boys themselves hash this out my honest opinion is for him to downplay the reasoning i don't think the other little boy needs to know the entirety of why he isn't wanted around. That could destory his confidence and hurt his feelings. Sometimes things are better left unsaid and this situation definitely warrants that imo.
Yes the other boy is wrong but isn't it best that you discuss with the parents that their son is overly aggressive and you don't want your children learning that type of behavior?

Whatever you chose to do i believe it will be okay it soudns like you and your husband are going to great lengths to set a good example here. Trust your instincts i think you will do well.