My 9 Year Old Son Is Being Bullied!

K.,

By all means, you need to talk to the teacher and principle. My son had this same problem and I told him to just walk away or tell them to stop or go play with someone else. I failed him somehow, because after awhile of this, he took a knife to school. Don't need to say more other than he hasn't been in trouble since, the fine wasn't bad and it was wiped of his record after a year with no other problems. I didn't realize the problem was so bad until I got the call from the school about he knife. If talking to the teachers and principle doesn't help, then by all means, try to talk to the parents, but becareful. Children repeat what they see and hear, so the "bullies" may be learning this behavior at home.

I think I would contact the teacher or principal first so they can keep an eye on this at school and on the playground. That way they can contact the parents if needed.

Have you talked with his teacher at school? How does she see his social development? If she is seeing the same thing, this is something you can work on together. You may also consider speaking with the social worker/counselor at school. She may also have some suggestions. This is something you definitely want to deal with now!

I would start by contacting your son's teacher. If the teachers don't know it is happening, they can't help. This happened to my son last year (as a 2nd grader). I went to the teacher and the school gave my son a 'bodyguard'. This was a specific person at each of the times my son said he was getting picked on. There was a teacher outside that if my son felt things were getting out of hand, he would find and just go by her for a minute or two (he would pretend to tie his shoe, change equipment, etc). She would then follow my son back to where he wanted to play and keep an eye on things. It was determined that it was one child who was always involved in my sons saddness, so the school took action. The child was taken out of school for a day for not following the policy of "no bullying." My son spent some time with the school psychologist talking through the best way to handle tough situations, that this was not my sons fault or done because of something he may have done, etc. This year (now a 3rd grader) and my son is doing very well. Hope this helps and your son can 'enjoy' school again.

I would advise you to contact the school, starting with the teacher. If you have to, work your way up the 'food chain'. Teachers, in my opinion since I am one, have a responsibility to be providing a safe climate in which students can learn freely. Teaching content is fine, but if a student does not feel physically, emotionally, or socially safe in a classroom then their capacity to learn can be greatly diminished. If this is the case, the teacher is not doing his or her job and it needs to be brought to his or her attention. At the same time, realize that teachers cannot be everywhere all the time, so if things are happening at moments where the class is not supervised like a hawk then your son needs to either tell you or his teacher.

Personally, I'd avoiding taking on the parents at this juncture unless you know them really well. As we know, there are some morons out there who believe their child is a perfect angel who could do not harm, and if they did any harm then their child wouldn't be punished because they're more concerned with being 'friends' with their child. Ugh. The bullying could get worse.

Kristen, I also have a 9 year old son. He has been bullied since 1st grade. He is a very good boy, but has a hard time standing up for himself when it comes to his peers. I have spoken to his teacher (who is a male without children) and he has talked to the boys. Things have gotten a little better.
At our school there is zero tolerance for bullying. I have done role playing with my son to show him how to stand up for himself with these kids. It has been different children every year however and he has to establish boundries when the bullying starts.
I would let the school handle it. They should be trained to handle things like this. Ask your son if he thinks that the boy who was supposed to be his (friend) is being a good friend or not. Then let him make the choose to be friends- tell him friends don't treat friend like that. Good Luck. I know is heart breaking to have your child picked on when they are so little.
L. S

If you know the parents of the other kid, then I would contact them immediately and let them know what's going on and that if it continues, you will be forced to take it up with the school. Then stick to your word! If you don't know the parents, then just contact the school. If it's not taken care of immediately to your satisfaction, then you go to the administrator. And if it's still not taken care of, you get an attorney.

My daughter (6 years old and a first-grader) was picked on by a boy on the bus a couple times. She got off the bus one day and told me he asked her to sit with him. Then kept pushing her off the seat when other kids were walking down the aisle to seats behind their seat. When he wasn't doing that, he was handling her property and hitting her. My instinct was to follow the bus til the kid got off and confront the parents, but I thought I would teach her to stand up for herself, first. So I told her never to sit with him again, for one. And next, I told her she needs to tell him to keep his hands off her and her stuff. I also told her to tell him if he violates her again, she will tell me and I will call the school. So for a couple weeks things were good. Then this kid sat in a seat near her and started taking her stuff. She told him she was going to tell me and I would call the school, and his response was he didn't care. So I called the school a few times before I was able to contact the principal. I told her what was going on, and she took care of it. She made the kid apologize to my daughter and told him if she ever hears he's picking on anyone again, she will take further disciplinary action with him. She also told my daughter to make sure she tells the bus driver and her if anything happens again with him or anyone else. I refuse to allow my daughter to get picked on repeatedly. We all have seen the tragic consequences when those kids snap. I also want my daughter to love school, like I always did. I hate the thought that she'd be so stressed about facing that behavior at school she'd just become sick and not want to go. So, I say, take care of it now in either of those 2 ways: Go to the parents or principal. Don't allow your child to suffer any longer.

Contact the School immediatly! This is serious and never funny. The school needs to document is and b/c it is happening on school grounds they are responsible!

Okay - Life is good! Obviously, you are a good mother and you love your son and wish to protect him.

Unfortunately, you need to find out what is "fact and what is fiction". Your son - as all children do - have incredible "make believe - you won't believe what happened - talent".

Try calling and making an appointment with his teacher to speak with her and express your concerns that have been conveyed to you. Get her view point of what is really going on in the classroom and playground. If she's a good, caring teacher - she should have some clue of how her students get along.

If she seems like she's not interested in helping you - go to the Vice Principal or Principal....voice your concerns - privately. Before you "ever" call up another parent to accuse them that "their little angel, is not an angel" - have the facts and try and manage a meeting with each other and school officials - where you all can - talk.

You should also consider yourself "lucky" that your son feels he can confide in you. Good luck!

I would let the school handle it. Most schools have a zero tollerance policy.

You should start with the school first, unless you know the parents personally. Most parents would be appauled knowing that their child is a bully. I'm sure your school has an anti-bullying policy. Talk to the teacher first. If you don't get anywhere with her/him, then you should talk to the principal. You can also try the school social worker. Many times, they can mediate. Your son sounds a lot like my son....very sensentive (which is good and bad). I can learn about my 13 year olds day by looking at his face when he comes off the bus. I can't say it has gotten easier with my son as he has gotten older but I think he is more able to cope with things a little bit. Good luck and please keep us posted on how things are going.
K.

I see you have a lot of responses, but I wanted you to know that our school has a zero tolerance policy for bullying. You don't have to take it and neither does he. Talk to the school, not the parents. Then help him find a friend that is nice to him and provide playdates and get togethers for them. You may have to get involved a little at first, but it will be worth it in the end! Childhood is HARD! Most of it they do by themsselves, but when kids need an advocate, as parents, it's our job!

K.,

I would tell you to contact the school not the parents. Parents tend to not want to believe their child would do anything wrong. Most, if not all schools have a zero tolerance for bulling. My son, who is now almost 13, had the same problem and the kid who was the bully has moved on.
Tell your son also to walk away most of the time these kids want a reaction, if they don't get it they move on to someone who will give it to them.

Good Luck!!

Contact the teacher. Kids do change friends frequently at that age (more often than their underwear, it seems), but if he is having his feelings hurt or being physically hurt you need to do something about it. I would NOT start with the parents unless you know them really well. The teacher should have some idea of the class social structure, who typically is a bully, etc. They will also know the other students' parents. Gather more information first and then ask for advice on how to proceed.

My son was bullied & it finally stopped when I had the principal set up a meeting with the bully's parents. I warned them they would have the police at their home if it happened again.

Hi K.,
I had went through this with my 10 year old. My advice would be, if this is happening in school contact the teacher and have a one-on-one with her. In form her that you are willing to meet with the parent(s) is the issue is not resolved. Second, tell your son to make sure to tell an adult when issues come up. Not that he is taddle-telling but that he was hurt, being thrown off a spiderweb is serious and should have been brought to an adults attention immediately. Lastly, make sure to encourage your son that some people are followers and leaders. When kids change their mind if they want to be your friend, maybe the are not your friends. If this does not work, have you child inform these "bullies" that there "Mom" wants to meet with their parents because the teacher was already informed, begin to show up when you can, and watch these kids. It will take some time, but once they see you hanging around there will begin to ease up.

This breaks my heart. My oldest daughter was bullied in the first (older child on the bus) and second grade (classmate). She wasn't the only one in the bus situation. Others brought it to the Principal's attention and he put an end to it. He even rode the bus home with the kids for a week!

With the second situation I had a conference with the teacher. I told her what was happening and she said never "saw anything" even when it happened in her classroom. <eyeroll> Since she was a 2nd year teacher, I don't think she knew what to do. I told my daughter essentially to shun/ignore the bully and stick with her friends. If it got worse, then she could go to the Principal, since she knew that he did not tolerate any type of bullying behavior. She did and the bully left her alone after that.

Now a days, when my daughter sees another kid being bullied on the playground or in the classroom, she speaks up. She was just made Citizen of the Month at her school too (she's in fourth grade).

I would talk to the teacher first then principal second. Good Luck!

Hi K.. As a former teacher, I would start with speaking to the teacher before the principal and ask the teacher if she sees this going on, and ask her what she recommends maybe before putting your two cents in.
Also, I would go the library and check out some books they have about bullies and how to deal with them, books for both you (for your eyes only) and maybe some easy reading ones for your son, and read them together. They you could do some role playing with him on how to stand up for himself in different situations. I actually still remember role playing in fifth grade for DARE, and how to say no to drugs. We kept doing it over and over and it still stuck in my head...even today! I hope these ideas help. Good luck. It has to be painful for any mother to go through.

I would very much go to the school/teacher about this if it is occurring on school grounds. However, if you do know the family of children you may say something to the parents. It does seem like a climate that is happening in the class/school and there should be zero tolerance for this sort of thing. You could also address this with the school social worker/psychologist as well to make sure this is taken seriously. Is there a overall system of behavior that is expected and a protocol that is followed for all students, e.g., Character Counts.... Be specific about when you talk to staff/individuals and try your best not to make others defensive. I talked to the parent the other day to inform them of something and then said, "what would you recommend something that I could do." So it informed them of what was going on to try and avoid being defensive which was my main desire. Good luck, don't let it go.
T.

I would talk directly to the school like the social worker. When we moved here I had to call them 3 or 4 times but since everything has been fine. Good Luck...

I had almost the same situation. Except my son was in 6.
He had a 4th grader bully. The kid swear and punched him.
Any ways, that went on for only a little bit that year and started again the following year. So this is what I did.
I told the principal several times. (which was a joke.) The school has zero tolerances, but did nothing. I then saw him with his friends.("THE BULLY")of course he left quickly. So I said to his friends he better leave my son alone or his parent and I are going to be chatting with the police. so it stop that year.
The next year it started again with the same brat. So I want back to the school, chatted with the same principal. She said she would get back to me. plus I said something to his teacher. While his teacher walk up to the bully and put a stop
to it. I also told the school if they couldn't handle the matter I will be calling the police dept. to handle it.
That was something they didn't want.(plus my husband is a police officer.) so it finally ended. also I told my son if it happen again to fight back, because he needs to be able to protect him self if the school doesn't step in. plus I would be there and they(THE SCHOOL AND CHILD)WOULD HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME.
You need to put a stop to it. Hopefully your principal cares.
Your child should feel safe when he is in there care. The principal can have the aid's outside keep a closer eye on this. So it doesn't look like your son said anything.
I hope this helps... Best of luck. L.

Morning K. ~

I have had the same issues and I found that going to the school and talking to his Principal and the Teacher has helped. We also instucted our son to go and talk to his Teacher if anything happenes during the school day. Reassuring him that the Teacher is already aware of the situation it's been easier for him to let her know what's going on plus the school will keep an eye on that student.

Hope this helps......

Dear K.,
I am a teacher in the fourth grade. I have seen this problem over and over. Although, I teach in a parochcial system, we encounter bullies all the time also. My first thought was have you spoken to the teacher. My experience is teachers often don't want to get involved or don't know what to do either. It is part of their job to protect all children in their care whatever the problem may be. I have confronted bullies and often in the classroom it stops, but outside the classroom it continues.
If you have spoken with the teacher and see no changes, speak with the principal. If nothing else the school system is made aware of the problem in case bigger and worse problems occur for your son.God forbid.
As you may know bullies bully usually because they've been "taught" to. My philosophy is what happens at school didn't begin at school, it begins at home. So, talking with the parents probably won't do any good, or will make matters worse. Bullies themselves are often very insecure people who don't feel good about themselves thus they pick on others. If the child knows this, (the bully or the bullied), the mind set usually turns for the best. Remind your son that a "friend" does not push you off 6 foot high playground equipement. A friend holds on to you so you don't fall off.
Kids who are bullied want to be excepted by anyone to fit in. This is the battle. They see the bully as popular, but for all the wrong reasons, that's the part kids don't see. Being a nice kid is tough these days, but in the long run pays off.
My school does have the advantage of using Christianity as a rule, but bullies will always exsist in school for kids, and every work enviroment for adults. It's how we deal with them that can make or break us.
Suggestions: perhaps having your son bring in a "cool" treat, or a "cool" toy, or wear a "cool" shirt, anything that draws attention away from the bullies.
Throwing a party and invite the other nice kids. Are there other nice kids in his room?
Teaching your son( if you haven't tried this. I don't want to assume) the strength of, "I really don't care what you think I like me." This attitude takes the strength away from the bully where they become bored and move on to a new "target." Which is sad at best. If your son has the wherewithall to simply say, "I know why you pick on me, it's because you don't like yourself." is the best "weapon" I have seen to date. (I have been a school teacher for 19 years if that helps.)It seems to stop bullies in their tracks because somewhere deep down they know that's true. It may take a few times, but if the response is the same everytime, like for most of us, it becomes to tedious to want to pay attention to.
If other bullied children see your sons attitude they most likely will join on board. There are probably more bullied children that won't speak up out of fear, the bullies favorite weapon of choice.
Bullies will always be a part of the world. Be very proud that your son does not use these tactics and does not need to use these tactics to respect himself and others around him.
Good luck and God bless the "nice" people of the world. K.

It's heart wrenching to hear or see your child being the object of bullying. And, these types of 'love/hate' relationships seem to be all the rage at some schools - not all though. We've been at 4 grade schools now. 2 had it going on and 2 did not.

The best advice I can offer is to get involved at the school and insist on being on the playground at recess, in the classroom volunteering, helping at lunch time, etc. I work too and know that it can be difficult, but this is critical. Take 2-3 half days off and nip this in the butt before it gets worse. You need to see firsthand the truth about what is happening. It's very surprising to see how our children actually behave when thrown into this type of stressful situation.

Once you have firsthand knowledge of what your child's day is really like, then schedule an appointment with his teacher(s) and the principal. It's better if you and your husband show up for the meeting. The administration will take your concerns much more seriously, if you show that you are prepared to be involved and have taken the time to really find out what is happening on a daily basis. It will also help you to approach the issues with your child better because you know what types of children he's interacting with, who he's choosing to play with/not play with, how he's treating others, etc.

Finally, ROLL PLAY out the situations - over and over and over until it's like muscle memory for him, and he will have the courage to stand up for himself or go to the teacher, or whatever it is you feel comfortable teaching him.

Hi K.,

This is so hard. I also have a sweet child and unfortunately the other kids find it easy to pick on him. Your hands are a little tied because you haven't actually seen this. I would not contact the other mom unless you are good friends with her and then you have to be very careful how you present it, you must be careful not to place blame before you have all the facts. What has worked best with me is to inform the teacher as the concerned parent that you are and ask her to keep an eye on what is happening. You would like to know if your child is provoking this treatment or the other kids are targeting him for no reason at all. If she witnesses a behavior, she can easily intervene and control it at school. You are really powerless from your position. The teachers are well trained in these kinds of situations and truly have the answers, they can easily control this. You will see! Have faith and confidence in your child's teachers and your job is to make them aware there is a problem and let them take it from there. They can give the bullies a consequence at school. Good luck to you and give your child an extra hug! You may even want to tell your child that you will be involving the teacher so he need not be afraid - this WILL be handled.

J.

Contact the school. You will be amazed at how helpful they are. I have 3 sons and they all felt bullied at one time or another. When I called the school they were so helpful in making my son feel safe and trying to find resolution between my son and the bully. They even have classes during lunch with the school social worker for kids who feel bullied. There were stong consequences for the bullying child and often when the consequences were mentioned and their parent was contacted the bully began to be gain control of their actions. Call your school don't get involved with the student's parents.

Report these incidents to the teacher or whoever is sopose to be monitoring these kids. If tha doesn't work, go to the principal...he doesn't want brutality to become a problem at his school

There are several things that you can do.

#1. It is important to contact the school.
#2. You may want to contact the parents. Maybe have all the parents invited over for coffee, without pointing a finger at anyone and tell them about the round-robin bullying that is going on with "our" sons. And it is up to us as parents to bring the boys together and tell them, as parents, that their behavior is no longer going to be tolerated by any of you. I think this is a great idea.

#3. Whatever you do you need to empower your son. There is something about him that is silently telling the other kids that he is vulnerable.

I would enroll him in a karate class. My grandkids started at 6 yrs old. It will build his confidence and self-esteem.
I would purchase a bunching bag, you know those kids inflatable ones that bounce back when you hit it. Teach him how to punch.

My son had the same thing happen to him when he was 4 years old by a bully on the school bus when he went to Jr. Kindergarten. The bus driver did nothing about it and neither did the school. The kid was a head taller than my son, a year older, and really a big kid physically. My son was coming home with a bloody nose every day.

So being raised in Chicago and my father being raised on the West side of Chicago during Al Capone's time, I came from the era where you learn to take care of yourself and fight back.
K., you may not agree with this, but this is what we did and it worked:

I purchased the punching bag and taught my son that his anger is the most powerful thing that he has - his attitude. So I had him punch the punching bag letting out the feelings that he had when he was punched. You should have seen the anger that was stored up inside this little boy. It nearly brought me to tears.

Then I showed him how to punch. I told him that when you punch you don't look at what you are punching, but past it, as if you were looking thru his face.

AND I explained to him that it was very important to not begin a fight.

Then I told him that I would talk with the parents, since I also car-pooled with the mother, and if things did not change that after I talked with this boy's mother, that he was free to punch back.

Well, the very next day the boy punched him. My son did what I taught him and the kid wound up crying with a bloody nose. I was called to school. He was going to a lab school where I paid high tuition. I was told that fighting was not allowed and if my son did that again he would not be able to attend the school.

So now it was my turn to fight back. I told them that they would have a lawsuit on their hands because I had notified them of what had happened to my son, had spoken to the other boy's mother and the school did nothing. If they did not want fighting on the bus then it was their responsibility to talk to the kids and that I was not going to allow my son to be a punching bag. That ended the punching and the kid left my son alone.

It turned out that the other kid was very disturbed and that the parents had to send him to a special school the next year.

M.
www.super-science-fair-projects.com

I would suggest signing him up for a self-defense class like karate. It will teach him some self-confidence, self-defense skills, and courage. Most often kids are bullied because they don't show any courage. You don't have to fight to get respect...you have to show courage and a willingness to defend yourself if the time comes (kid raised in a rough country area...I was the only white kid on the bus...after a few years I was one of the most popular because I stood up for myself...weakness means you will be preyed upon)

The other thing I might suggest is that after signing him up that you stop showing a reaction to his stories. Are you getting really upset in front of him? Are you discussing it with your husband in front of your son? Does he see the attention he's getting by getting a rise out of you? There is the possibility that he's making things sound worse than they are to get your attention. IT feels good to see you get in a tizzy. If you aren't doing those things then...forgive me for suggesting it.

And talking to the boys parents is probably the worst thing to do. My mother tried to talk to a boy that tormented me in our neighborhood. She thought she would be able to put him in his place...after all she was the adult and knew better...unfortunately he was just a kid too and it turned into a nightmare for me. He was worse than ever for weeks. I was never so humiliated in my life. He was a little boy down the street that I had a secret crush on so it made it worse. Why I liked him is beyond me.

You might sit down with him and discuss things he can say or do in response to the taunts...and it might help some. But I think the best thing is to get him into a program that will teach him confidence, courage, and some boldness.

This happend to my son too. I went and spoke to the principal of the school and the teacher and gave them a big headache for it. I told them if they did not do something about it I was going to go to the Board of Education. If that fell, I call the mother and explain to her what the situation was. That got resolved.

I would go to the school and talk with the teacher and/or principal about it. They should be able to intervene by have a meeting with these young lads.

K.~
I am so sorry to hear you and your son are going through this. Kids are just so mean sometimes! And it is soooo frustrating to have to watch our children go through such things especially at an early age.

With that being said, I am wondering if you shouldn't first bring this to the teacher's attention. See how maybe the teacher is (or isn't) dealing with the behaviors.

I would approach the parents only if I am not satisfied with the teacher's response but I would be very careful about how you word it . . . if the other parent is not sensitive and mishandles the situation it could be worse for your son. I was bullied in 6th grade and when my mother confronted the other girl's mother next thing I knew the girl had told everyone that my mommy had to fight my battles for me. Not fun.

I would also just take this opportunity to talk with your son about bullies and about how he can show the other kids what friendship is. I will pray that you get the answers that you need and that your son will have the strength to rise above.

Be well!

I feel your pain. When my oldest son was in 4th, 5th and 6th grades his group of friends that he has had since preschool were fine one day and then total turn around other days. I spoke with the parents and the kids and that did make things a little worse. They would say he told his mom everything or that he ran and tattled on them. I think it is a phase that the boys go through, if they are friends. I started to let them deal with things on their own. That seemed to work better. Although, 6th grade was a different story. He went to a new school that year which was sort of a "rival" of the one he went to. He was being hit, punched, name called, choked, knocked off his bike, stuff was being stolen and destroyed at school. That one I did NOT take lightly. His grades suffered and he became withdrawn. I contacted his teachers and the Assistant principal who was in charge of discipline issues. Action was taken on the boys who did this.
My suggestion to you if the boys are friends one day and not another, let them handle it in their own way. UNLESS of course someone is or will be hurt in the meantime. If they are doing harm and not in an on/off friendship go to the teachers or the principal if it is happening on school grounds. If you feel you can talk to the parents do that too.
Good luck. Bullying should not be taken lightly. But make sure it is not just the ups and downs of their friendships. I have found boys fight one day and are the best of friends another.