Boy Wasn't Invited to Son's 9Th Birthday Party

I think you did the right thing. If there were kids that were naughty at my son's b-day party then I wouldn't invite them either. The little boy most likely talked to his mom about not being invited and that is why she called. No one wants to hear that their child is naughty, but sometimes it has to happen.
I would just chalk it up to my son had a great birthday party and leave it at that. I wouldn't continue to worry about it.

You rock! I wouldn't have had the guts, but if his parents really need a wake-up call, this was it. Poor parenting leads to poor behavior. YOU can tell him all day that his behavior isn't acceptable, but until that is reinforced at home, and there are consequences, nothing will happen. So, I guess it is good and bad that the call was made by his mom. Good for her to hear it, bad for you to be the messenger. I would hope that you would try to be 'nice' to this mom and ask after her son in the social way, and maybe she can see you as someone who admires her enough to let her know that you have boundaries. Kudos!

I agree with the others -- I think you did exactly the right thing. The only thing that I might have done differently (and hind sight is always 20/20) was to tell the other mother after the first party how badly her child behaved. If my daughter was being a little hellion at somebody else's house, I would want the mother to tell me about it at pick-up time, so that I was aware of the behavior, and could work on correcting it.

****STRANGER DANGER ALERT****

Edit: I just want to say something to the moms who think it is okay to discipline other people's children.

A. is upset because this kid didn't wash his hands before cake. In 23 years of parenting I have never had/been to a birthday party where kids were asked to wash their hands before eating the cake.

You don't know what his behavior was, you only know what A.'s judgement of his behavior was. She's held onto that resentment for a whole year and feels fine blaming her upset on an 8 year old child. If she wasn't so angry at the kid she might have thought to ask his mom to stay to help. (Althea had wonderful suggestions on better ways it could've been handled). A. seems like she wants approval that excluding and rejecting a child is an appropriate response to her unsettled feelings. I'd rather my children not spend unsupervised time with an adult like that.

To teach children to obey adults in every situations is DANGEROUS. Those are the children that obey the child molestor when they tell them not to tell - or leave with the stranger because he was told to. People who hurt children are predatory. They look for the children who will obey without question, even if it is an odd or unusual request. Then they groom their victims, taking time to build trust, to make the unusual seem usual.

Why did it bother A. for someone else's child not to wash his hands? He wasn't making the cake, at 8 he wasn't putting his hands in other people's mouths.

__________________________________

Are you sure her intention was to make you feel guilty?

Maybe she really wanted to know if she had offended you in some way and wanted a chance to apologize to you and make ammends.

It is always your choice who you invite into your home, but it would probably be more considerate to keep your reasons for not inviting someone to yourself. Other people may not have judged his behavior the same way you did. You can say things like, "we had to limit the number kids".

A year is too far removed for a child to understand, if he was told that it was because of his previous behavior all he is going to hear is that you don't like him. Was this your intention or was your intention to have a stress free party?

As far as I'm concerned you were justified in your actions. I think an applause is in order, too, for actually following through with what you say/said. Too many of us teach our children to NOT believe us and to dishonor us becuase we say things we don't mean, say things we have no intention of enforcing, and wiggle out of standing strong on the things we say because it becomes uncomfortable or inconvenient. NO, I think you've done the right thing, for you, for your child, and for the boy who didn't get invited! It's called INTEGRITY...and you got it Mommy.

I would, however, look for good behavior in that boy. Look for opportunities for him to come back. Though we make mistakes and have bad behavior for a time period, we ought not be condemned forever...unless and until we have proven over and over to be a cereal offender without regret.

Still, it's YOUR home and you are not required to allow anyone in your home for any reason if you do not wish to have him/her there.

Good on ya!

I think it's great she called to find out. How can she do anything to help her son if she's unaware of what is going on when she isn't around? And I'm so glad to hear you were truthful with her. As far as the rest, blame it on emotion...when it comes to our children, I imagine we are all pretty emotional.

Hi A.,

It may have made life easier if you had told the mom after the first party; however, you told the kid and he is old enough to remember. The mom calling you on the day of the party is simply rude. She could have waited a few days to talk to you. If I were the other mom, I would have apologized for the previous year and asked if the boys could get together on a day that wasn't so special to see if her son could behave himself. If the boy has real problems, she knows it and it is her responsibiity to inform you and/or ask if she can accompany him.

Your home should be a sanctuary for your family. Your obligation is to them first.

L.

PS Don't invite him to next year's party unless/until he has demonstrated better behavior. Life has enough stress, no need to create it.

I have very mixed feeling on this subject. On one hand I understand why you choose not to invite him, but as one mom said it was a year ago and who knows how much he has changed. I am a firm beliver that life isn't fair and it is something I handle with my children, but If I am having a party and the whole class either can't or won't be invited then we don't hand out invitations at school. I have them get the numbers of thier friends and I call the parents and invite or get thier adress's so I can mail them off. Just because life isn't fair doesn't mean that the other kids don't get hurt. As to the mom calling maybe her son's feeling were REALLY hurt and to help him understand she placed a call or maybe she was hoping it was a mistake (have had that happen a few times). I wouldn't have been bold enough to make the call, but wouldn't be offended that another mom did.

As the mom of an ADHD son, getting left out can suck, and if the issue is beyond the childs control and not from lack of discipline then, I do feel bad that he wasn't worth the effort (yes that is how I see it if it is beyond the childs control). Having said that I don't think you were wrong, but maybe handle it a little differently next time.

I grew up with a sister who has mental disabilities, who was excluded a lot. Also, after having two very well behaved daughters, I was blessed with a very high maintenance son. He is not a bad kid, although I'm sure other moms think he is. It has nothing to do with lack of discipline, attention, or love, which I would have thought before he came into our lives. It's just the way he is at this stage of his life. He is stubborn, but he is learning. He actually has gotten a lot better in the last few months, and it has had nothing to do with parenting.
When your child is left out of something like a party they are so sad, the other mother probably just felt bad for her son and wanted to call before the party to make sure it wasn't a mistake, not to try to ruin your day. You cant invite everyone to a party, and nobody expects you to. Somebody is bound to feel left out. But You can take more care in not handing out invitations at school and tell your children not to talk about it at school. I know life isn't fair and children are going to learn that. I think you are using that to justify your situation though, do you really want your son to be the one who is unfair? Although kids need to learn consequences to their actions, a year is too long for a child to understand consequences to his actions. It also is a very long time for a child to change.
I'm really not trying to attack you, I've been on both sides of this situation and the thing that I have learned is what goes around really does come around.I guess what I want to say simply is that, if you can't learn to have compassion for other people for their differences, you are going to be forced to, and if you are forced, it's going to be a lot harder than if you can just do it in the first place.
I think a better way to handle the situation is to invite the boy to play for a short amount of time, like an hour if you can handle it, or even shorter if you cant. Go over the rules of the house with him and if he cant obey then tell him he cant come back for a couple weeks. And then try it again. Obviously your son likes this boy if he plays with him at school. You are not doing yourself or your son a favor by excluding him completely. This is a good opportunity to teach your son compassion and tolerance.

Bravo! If every parent were as honest and straightforward as you, both with childrearing and with interpersonal skills, this world would be a better place. I love you! (p.s. I had a Mom like that woman, and that woman hates you, and it's not your fault, and there's nothing you can do about it, so, kisses to you!)

The boy is a disaster because the mother won't parent him properly, so much so that she'd rather blame his problems on people outside the family (you!) than deal with parenting issues. God bless the little guy.

I have girls. When we have sleepover parties, there's always a child or two who refuses to go to sleep (keeping all the others awake) and wakes up around 5:30 AM, waking everybody else up. Not acceptable! Never invited back for a sleepover! Invariably, these are the same children who jump on couches, don't use napkins, and scream & run. In short -- lack of parenting. Ugh!

I read just a few other responses, not all. Some others did state possible "better" ways to handle it, and in the future maybe you, and I, can learn from these suggestions. But I don't think you handled it poorly! So DON'T FEEL GUILTY! You handled it well! Some kids these days don't see any consequences for their actions - I'm glad to see there's another mom out there who takes action, and sticks to her consequences. Sounds like you were respectful but firm - works for me!
S.

Wow, I'm sure we will all have to deal with this sometime in one form or another. A year later consequence is difficult for a child to comprehend. I'm glad you called the mom back after the party. I would be interested to see if you talked with her after the original party. All kids make mistakes. If my child was the one out of control I would want to know about it so we know what to work on. It sounds like it worked out okay.

Hi A.,

The tone of your letter sounds angry with the mom and the kid.

Try to think of their point of view. You didn't have to invite him, but the mom just wanted to know why. Maybe you lost the invitation, or maybe they had offended you? She wasn't trying to "confront" you, just find out why.

I think you are judging her kid and her waayyy to harshly.

You have the right to invite whoever you want and to expect good behavior from the kids.

Just try and see their perspective too. Your tone sounds very harsh towards this kid and them. Maybe you didn't mean to sound this way.

Marci

I have to say honestly that I think that You are the one who is "Self Centered". You have referred to this party several times in your question as "My party", and "I" wanted this. What about your son? Did he want him at his party? What is his relationship with that boy? More importantly my question to you is, are you realizing that you are teaching your son that people can't change,(especially in a year) and that by not doing "simple things such as washing his hands" is not acceptable, and that you shouldn't accept him as friend? I think that it was right of the boy's mom to call and ask why. I think that she was right in doing so. I am just glad that the uninvited boy knows that he has someone on his side. I would hope you would have the same desire to do that for your son.
I agree with you that kids don’t have to be involved in everything, but I don’t think that this is the issue. I don’t think that you handled this situation very well. It almost was an object lesson for someone else’s child and not a birthday party for your son.

From my point of view it could have been handled in a way where you weren't trying to parent someone elses child. You were trying to "teach" him a lesson. However, that is not your place to do. I think that you should have let his parent know about his behavior when she came to get him from the party, and let her know that in order for him to be invited back to your home she would need to attend as well, because his behavior was too much. As far as the boy's mother calling you, I would hope that you would do the same for your child if you saw hurt in thier eyes. It's not about being self-centered when it comes to your child. I would have reacted the same way. It's not the parents job to communicate through the children, its the parents responsibility to communicate to the parent.

Just my opinion.

A little about me:
Full-Time Single mother of one adorable 3 year old little girl.

Sorry, I'll dissent. I think the situation was handled poorly all around. When the boy misbehaved, the rules should have been re-iterated with a more immediate consequence; Don't wash hands, don't get cake. Can't behave, call mom to have him go home. If he behaved so badly you don't want him around, he should have been removed. Threatening with him you can't come back next year had no immediate effect on him.

When mom came to pick him up that day, you should have addressed the situation with her then and there. "Listen, he acted badly, our rules are XYZ, maybe they're different in your home, but here we expect that he follow our rules and he didn't".

She should have known prior to the birthday that her son would not be in attendance. "We are keeping the party small this year and I'm very sorry but we had some difficult decisions on who to invite, please don't be offended".

And she shouldn't have called. Seriously?? If your kids' not invited, so be it. You get over it. Its hard to see our children have hurt feelings, but that where we come in to help them negotiate life with a little grace. But if she was coming from the place of: "what'd we do?", I can sort of see her point. Though it should have been handled a little more tactfully.

I can see how something like this would get under your skin, it would get under mine too. Try and let it go. Carrying baggage like this gets heavy, quickly. :-)

First off, it is your son's birthday party and you are the hosts and you can invite whom you choose. Period.

Second, you were more than understanding about it when the mother called you. I would not have been likely to have navigated through it as gracefully as you did. You were as kind as possible and were honest with her and even went to the extent of saying that perhaps next year the lad will get another chance.

Third, the other mom was out of line in calling you about this - unless the two families are friends and spend a lot of time together or members of the same small church or something along that line, where perhaps she actually did need to know why her son was not invited. I spent many years as a frontline journalist writing about arrests, tragedies and court cases. One of the main things I noticed about people charged with serious crimes was that their parents - especially the mothers - typically had the opinion that their child was perfect and could do no wrong. Their child - even though perhaps in their 30s or 40s - was simply being persecuted by the cops and the courts. But throughout childhood, the mom had always protected the child from the consequences of the child's behavior. Therefore, lessons about acceptable behavior were not learned at the appropriate age. Believe me, the person I most hated to see walking toward me anywhere was the mother of someone charged with a crime. These woman was seething with hatred because everyone, including the media (me), was "out to get" her baby, and while she would be afraid to backmouth the cops or the prosecutor, she'd scream at me about it.

(Now for the sake of any readers who did their best to raise their child and the child turned out badly anyway, I hasten to add that I also saw exceptions to the rule. I saw extremely good adults who came out of horrible circumstances where anyone would predict they would turn out to be a mess. I also saw kids whose parents did everything right and still, they turned out to be horrible adults. I felt very sorry for parents in that scenario. It's the paradox of nature vs. nurture.)

My last thought is this: Does this lad have some problem that causes his behavior to be bad? Does he have ADHD? Tourette's Syndrome? Something that interferes with his ability to understand the rules or behave obediently? If that is the case, try to be understanding about it because in that scenario, he truly cannot control himself. Perhaps the solution next time would be to invite him but ask his mother to come along to the party to help him participate.

I agree with Alethea on this one! I completely understand not wanting to invite him back but the situation should have been handled after the first party as in letting the other parent know that there was a problem. I would want to know if my son was behaving like that!

I am in a huge disagreement with the school that has rules about what can and cannot be discussed amongst children. It is very difficult to see our children with hurt feelings but shielding from life's realities does nothing to help them navigate relationships in the present and seriously disables them in the future. For me this fits right in with playing sports without keeping score. Winning and losing is a part of life and no child deserves to have that realization hit when they're too old to figure out how to deal with it.

But back to the topic, I think you had the right intention just a little late!

I think you did the right thing. I have similar rules at my house. I always act very disappointed at the prospect that they may not be able to come back for a while, but I tell them that they know the rules and they get to decide. I do think the kid deserves another chance. It may be a good idea to invite him over a few times before the next party so that he gets used to the house rules and you and your son can establish a relationship with him without a ton of of other kids around.

I agree with Ann...

I have a son with some of the same issues that you mentioned this other boy was doing, the one who didn't get invited. He has a hard time being appropriate in a group setting, something that try as we might, is very hard to deal with both as a mother, son and host of a party. He does get invited to birthday parties and when he does, I usually go with him. I would have invited the boy and his mother so that she could be the one to keep him in check when things got out of hand. I still do this with my son and some day I hope that he will be able to go to a party and not behave this way but until that day comes I will just keep going with him. It is really important for these other kids to get a chance to be with peer groups, how else are they supposed to learn about social settings, but I also agree that having a child like that at a party is very disruptive, so invite mom along as well. Then after the party have him over for a play date one on one and you may be very surprised at how he behaves, if he still doesn't behave then invite mom to come with him. I know that every chance my son gets invited to a friends house, I take it, with instructions that I can come as well or to call right away if he gets out of hand. Dealing with things as they happen is key to changing behavior. This other little boy probably really needs a friend. I have been on the end where the child doesn't get invited and also the end where the people invited don't want to come and the end where I have been asked to pick my child up from a play date or party. Its hard on all occasions, and from both sides of the scenario. Work with the other mom, her son is hurting and your son may be able to help him out with valuable life skills. I am not saying that it is his responsibility but maybe something to consider. A valuable lesson here is also that people are all different and behave differently and that we need to be prepared for what life is going to throw at us, so it would be a good learning opportunity for your son to learn how to deal with this friend as well. I have 4 sons and I only have one that behaves this way and it is partly a chemical imbalance as well as other environmental things so I know its not the parenting in my case. If you have this boy and his mother over and the mom doesn't keep him in line then I probably would not invite him back... But if they are actively trying, give him a chance, I bet it would open your eyes to the challenges that other families have to live with everyday.

I hope that wasn't to gruff, just my point of view...

S.

Hi A.,
In my opinion, you handled the situation PERFECTLY!

Too many parents these days take on the view "not MY kid...." We all want to believe that our children are perfect, but of course they're not. However, there are plenty of people who will not take responsibility for their children's behavior. Heck, they won't even take responsibility for their OWN behavior!

The only thing I might have done differently is perhaps in the future, if presented with a simliar situation, would be to let the parent know right away that their child's behavior was inappropriate, rather than waiting a whole year. This way, they can use the situation as a teaching opportunity for their child. (Assuming, of course, that they aren't a "not MY child..." kind of a parent.)

You're a good mom! There's no need to second guess yourself. You are not responsible for how that woman chose to respond to the situation and you're right, it's not your problem.

Regards,
M. W.

I completely agree with Alethea S. I would like to add though that as the parent of a child who is severely emotioanally disturbed and doesn't get invited to anything due to his behavior, I think you shouldn't be so judgemental of the other mom. It may not have been her son's fault and a simple call during the first party might have cleared a lot up with a whole lot less baggage. At that point you would have actually known instead of assumed if it was bad parenting, in that case he should have gone home right then, or a special need that makes him function differently than the rest of the world and can't be parented out of him. My son has Oppositional Defiance Disorder and yes, he will not wash his hands when he is told if you say,"Go wash your hands". He will happily do it if it is phrased, "It's time for cake, are your hands clean?".

all I can say is....what goes around, comes around.

A.,

I think you did the right thing. You asked the child to behave properly. He refused to do so. You explained the consequence to him. That had no impact on his behavior. You were courteous to his rude mother - possibly the source of the influence on his behavior - and politely explained why you took the action you did. I don't know what else you could have done, and you did it kindly.

You cannot control others. You can only control yourself, and you did great!

At least the mom seemed to understand your position. I was not so fortunate a few years ago. I used to be in a carpool with some neighbors whose children went to the same school as my son did. I got frustrated with one family of children who felt it necessary to draw pictures with their fingers and leave smears all over my car windows on the way to school. I asked them repeatedly - and politely - to stop it. They refused. One fine morning, I informed them that if they continued to draw on my windows, I would require them to clean it up or they would not ride in my car. They were just fine until we arrived at school, then they deliberately scribbled and smeared up my windows as they got out of the car. Upon my return home, I called their mother and politely informed her that her children had a choice: they could come down and clean my car windows or they could find another ride to school in the future. The mother got huffy and mad - of course her children could do no wrong. They did not come down and clean my windows. And they never rode in my car again.

To be honest, I was amazed at the mother's response. If I had received a request like that from her, my son would have been up cleaning up her car five minutes from that time. And, he would have been apologizing to her.

Children need to learn the law of cause and effect and that there are limits to and consequences for their behavior. That mother is contributing to the lawlessness of the world by her bad example to her children.

I hope your neighbor does a better job training her children.

I think almost everything has been said but I will add my two cents. First, I think you should let your son invite and not invite whomever he wants to his birthday party. Second, I applaud your honesty with the mother. She called you and yes we can all say you should have said something sooner, and maybe that is the case. However, I think you were put on the spot (I mean who would call another parent and ask why their child wasn't invited?) and you were straightforward. I wish more parents would be like that.

You did the right thing and it was actually really rude of that mother to call and confront you on it. Unless the boys are like best friends or something, no one has to invite anyone to their birthday party. You are right that it isn't your problem and good job for not letting her make you feel guilty.

Hi A.--
I say good for you for having standards and sticking to them. If I were the kid's mom (and my little guy can be wild, so someday it may be me), I can understand calling and politely asking whether or not I'd caused offense, but not with an attitude. I am also impressed that you didn't take time while you were busy, but called her back later and talked to her about it. I don't think there's anything you should have done differently, and just hope I have the presence of mind to handle things the same way. I also like that your son understands that the wild boy is just a school friend--you are training him early to recognize that we need to be selective about our friends, and when he's 13 you'll be extra glad you've already started teaching peer pressure lessons.
Good for you!!

I can understand your viewpoint, but I can also understand the other mother's viewpoint; I would feel awful if my son was not invited to a party that all of his other friends were invited to. I would also most likely be somewhat confrontational because no mother likes to see their child feel bad. I realize it's your home and your sanity, but in my opinion, I would handle it for the day, teach my child a little something about coping with difficult people, and move on. This is just my opinion, I think everyone responds differently to difficult children.

You have the right as a parent to decide who is attending your child's party. You gave the boy chances, and he didn't follow the rules which the other children were able to. I agree its wrong of her to call, especially the day of the party. She had a whole year to find out. I didn't read if you had talked with her after the first party, if you didn't I would say that would be the only thing you should have done differently. but again I think you handled it the right way.

I agree it is your home, your rules. I just think it could of been handle more positively for the boy. The mom should of been called ahead of the other children that were invited and explained what had happened the year before. Maybe the mother would of attended with her son to keep him under control and could of used it as a teaching technique for her son. We all hope our children behave when they go to others homes. If they don't behave the parent needs to be informed at the time of the incident. You don't know there is a problem unless someone lets you know. Also kids grow a lot in a year at that age.

I say WELL DONE!!! I have a nephew I wish I could do the same. Unfortunatley, different dynamics. However, our society is teaching less personal responsibility and it sounds like you are teaching your family there are consequences for your actions. Good Job. I am impressed you dealt with the mother so graciously while sticking to your principals. I am sure no mother wants to hear her child is not welcome due to behavior. But who is responsible for teaching/allowing that behavior. My wonderful MIL told me one time, it does not matter if you like your kids. It matters if others like your kids. Sounds harsh, but now that mine are becoming old enough to be social, I like hearing how much people enjoying having them around.

Good job and do not beat your self up over this!

It's interesting that she asked if SHE had done something to offend you, when it was her son who wasn't invited. Sadly, some moms never learn to let go, and feel like what happens to their kids is a reflection on them - something good happens, they're wonderful parent; something bad/sad and it's a personal affront. It sounds like she hasn't made the distinction yet between her child and herself.

One thing to think about in the future - if you're in the situation where you were last year (child out of control or disrepectful) and you think you may not invite him back, speak with the mother at that point, let her know what happened, so she can react to it at the appropriate time. Other than that, you absolutely have the right to invite or not invite whomever you want to for whatever event you are hosting.

I am in 100% agreement with you. I can't stand having misbehaving children who never listen to me at my house- for parties, or otherwise. We have some good friends (we really like the adults) who are allowing their sons to go wild and not listen (to them or anyone)- I just watched one of her sons this week and I was HARD on him. "You obey me, or you don't get to do ANYTHING you want." He looked like he had a lousy time, but I have to have a standard for my kids- I'm not putting up with garbage from other kids. My husband and I have also talked about not inviting them for certain parties we have throughout the year- they are SUCH good friends though, that they would definitely take offense. We think we will just have to confront the parents and tell them that they must watch their kids more closely (they like to socialize with other adults and totally zone out on their kids).
Anyway, GOOD FOR YOU!!! I suppose the possible only other thing you "could" have done is call her in advance and explain why he wasn't invited, but I definitely don't think you "had" to, unless they were super good friends, like ours.

I think you handled it well. You want as good an experience as you can have for you and for all of the party-goers. Hey, maybe the boy was normally lovely but had a bad night sleep and was a cranky mess the whole day or one of a million other things that could legitimately cause him to be disruptive. I think you do the best you can with the limited information you have. Having a kids birthday party can be a ton of work and exhausting if you're taking care of it without other parents or employees. It puts a huge burden on you as the host to invite a child who you have had trouble with in the past and then have to find his mom's contact info and track down his mom if he's a problem...again. Seems like half the time I need to reach anyone on the phone, I just get voice mail.

I do understand that kids need consequences for behaviors,and since he isn't your kid then maybe that is a realistic consequence. I think that kids do really get hurt by not being invited to events yes that is a reality of life but to an 9 year old they don't understand that. I teach 4th grade so that would be around the same age and have had issues with this exact things kids not inviting kids and so on, so they are no longer allowed to hand out invitations in my classroom, because that is not a good feeling no matter what was the cause. Your house your rules but I feel that, that mother was justified in her reaction.

You don't have to invite anyone you don't want to have in your home, but it's another important part of kindness and good etiquette to make sure info about this party was not broadcast to all children at school, including ones who were not invited. I don't know that's what happened, but if you want to selectively invite kids in the future, it's vital your son and his invitees know not to talk about the party--either before or after the fact--in front of anyone who was not invited. That would be an easy way to avoid weird hurt feelings and confrontations in the future.
Again, you don't have to put up with anything you don't want to, but if you run into this mom again, please do try to be extra nice so she knows you're not holding any kind of grudge. I have a sister-in-law with a difficult child and she just grieves that her son has challenging behavior and therefore does not get invited many places.
Bst wishes!

Go, Mom! You certainly did the right thing! It is not wrong at all to set such boundaries in your home. For that matter, you are not obligated to invite a child to your son's party even if there WASN'T a problem last year! It is your home, your child, and most of us do have to limit the guest lists for these things! That mom was way out of line to call you that way. You are under no obligation to invite anyone! I could see her being upset if her son was the only boy in the class to be excluded, but it certainly doesn't sound that way. But sadly, it DOES sound like he may grow up without a sesnse of accountability for his actions, a growing problem in our society. (Excuse me while a preach a moment!) I am glad to see that you did not allow this woman to make you feel guilty.

It's all about natural consequences, you talked to him, warned him and followed through - way to go!! It probably would have been a good idea to have talked to his mom last year, but if you don't really know her or the boy, that's a little awkward and hard to do. Hindsight. I'm sure that it also taught your son a lot as well and I'm glad your son (& you) had a great birthday party this year! I hope the other mother took this great opportunity to have a valuable conversation with her son as well! I do believe that Ann has some great points to consider as well!!

I applaud your honesty and directness. I think you did great and so did the other mom. I love that she called you to find out information. I do wish you had given the boy another opportunity since the other mom actually called you right before and since it had been a whole year or had invited him to come only if a parent came to attend with him. But I know it is hard to think of these things last minute. Birthday parties are stressful enough and I understand that unruly kids can really disrupt, but at that age, I am surprised the boy did not behave better after being told. Good luck on the next one. Or maybe you could invite just that boy over by himself to have a playdate and see if things have changed and help him understand better and possibly help his hurt feelings, if any.

I am curious why you didn't tell the mother when the problem happened. Of course you have the right to invite who you want to your son's bday party, but perhaps it would have been more appropriate to let the mother know when the behavior happened so she could work on it.

I just wanted to say, you did great! A lot of moms responded that it's just one day, you could have dealt with the stress and invited this child. But I have to say, I remember clearly the birthday parties I had as a child where some of the kids attending were difficult, and it made the party un-fun for me! It really added stress because I wanted everything to go smoothly, but then these kids are throwing fits over the food and games. It's your home and your child's party and it's supposed to be enjoyable for him, and I think you were wise to be selective about who was invited for that reason.

No offense but I think you should have contacted the boys mother after the last party, do you punish your kids or others a year after the fact. It seems you should have shown a little more maturity and spoke up when this first happened, it has been a year! people even children grow, learn, and mature in a year! You should have given the boy a chance, it is not like you cannot send them home during the party if he got out of hand again, but you would not know that because you waited and entire year to punish him.

I'll make this short.
1) The boy's behavior should have been discussed last year with his mother, so she would have had a heads up.
2) In life ALL our actions have consequences good and bad.
3) Children do not remember what they did a year ago, so telling a child he will not be invited back next year if he doesn't shape up is not productive, he will have forgotten.
4) Parents should always be informed of their child's behavior good and bad.
5) We as parents, even though we want to, can not shield our children from hurt feelings. They are part of life. They will happen when we are young and when we are old. In relationships of any kind we have to learn to deal with them so that we learn and grow into responsible human beings.
6) People CAN and DO change.

So my overall assessment is: Give this young man another chance to be in your home, if problems arise call his mother. Just remember that people will sometimes do the pay back thing. So when your son is not invited to this boy's party (which could be the case) don't be surprised, and don't pick up the phone to call and ask why. You'll have to let your son know that people get their feelings hurt all the time. Good people, bad people, and in between people, all get their feelings hurt at one time or another it's part of life. Let's just hope this boy's mother is not the kind to retaliate and that her son isn't either, and that this can be a learning lesson for everyone involved. And next year let your son invite who he wants to his birthday NOT just who you want there, or who you feel you can handle. Childhood is a learning process, and this boy may NEED birthday parties more than you know. It's about your child NOT about your convenience.

Every parent thinks his or her kid is just the angel of group and needs to be the star of everything they do. Yes they will do what ever it take to make sure. Or the kid does. It was your kids party and you have a right to invite to whom you see fit.

I am shocked that she called.

You did exactly the right thing. If any child cannot obey our house rules and act like a civilized human being, they cannot play in our home. You should only feel guilt when you've done something wrong. So, you have no reason to feel guilt. Some parents will just not "get it" and be angry that their children weren't included instead of realizing that they are raising wild, undisciplined, disrespectful children. I have a neighbor like that. His children were literally climbing my walls like monkeys, jumping up and hitting the tops of my doorways and being very rude by calling my kids names. In my case I was taking care of the kids after school, but after about 3 weeks of that kind of behavior, and the lack of respect shown by those kids when I would tell them to stop whatever it was they were doing, I finally told their Dad I couldn't care for them anymore. It has been wonderful at my house ever since. My son is still allowed to play with his friend, just not in our home. We may give it a try as we set into Winter and the boys want to play inside, but I stand firm on what is acceptable behavior in my home and if you break the rules, you're not welcome. I would be surprised if anyone disagrees with how you handled the situation, but of course, you never know.

I would have to agree with you. Your sons birthday party is supposed to be an enjoyable time not a stressful one. unfortunately for the other mother she needs to see it from your point of view. if she can't that isn't your problem. my advice sweep it under the rug and enjoy the memories of the party.

Did you talk to this boy's parents after the first party?
I would of said something to him at first and then phoned his parents (I assume they didn't stay at the party with him) to see what could be done to improve his behavior. A year is a long time and sometimes kids do grow up and their behavior does improve. I would of explained things to parents before inviting or not inviting this boy to the party. As a mom of 2 boys (11 & 13) sometimes parties can get a little wild to say the least but for the most part they have all been fun and I never would tell my son's not to invite one of their friends even if I feel I might have to do some disciplining during a party. Boys will be boys and as long no one is in danger and no one is being hurt or bullied I welcome all my kids friends into my home. You never know that one boy (or girl) could really need a friend and not being invited to a party could have really hurt and that is why the mom called. Until my kids are older (I have a 5 year old girl too) and I know the dangers that their friends possess (drugs, gangs, etc.) I would have to say again, all are welcome in our home. Hope this helps. Just remember,if you feel you did the right thing don't question yourself. We can't make all the people in our lives happy all the time. M.

Hi A.,
You were both doing the best for your families. You needed that boy to be excluded from this party so you would all enjoy the party. She needed to have a conversation with you because her son was upset. You were both in the right.
Take care, B.

One rule that the school here has is nobody is to talk about parties in school. That rule should apply I think school wide as there is bound to be someone with their feelings hurt. Your son and his friends shouldn't have even discussed the party at school so that there wouldn't have been an issue to begin with.

I understand your take on things however I have to say, what a child did a year ago isn't really reason to not invite him again. Kids grow up and change in the course of a year. Had he been like that a week ago, that is another thing.

I think you and your son owed the boy a chance, to maybe lay the law down and if he acted up during the party to call his mom to get him and explain why then. Kids don't remember what they did a year ago.

Kids aren't included in everything and you are right about that, which is why the party should never have been discussed during school or when the boys were all together if someone wasn't invited.

It puts the pressure on your son to maintain these friendships then for you to add to that with discluding someone by your choosing not his is really hard. If it was a good friend of your son's then I really think you should have let go what happened a year ago.

As my kids get older, they have to chose certain friends to come to things like this as I cannot invite a whole class, but the rule at the school about not discussing it, then on top of that talking with my kids about why, so it doesn't hurt anyone's feelings helps keep your situation from happening! I would really talk to your son about what appropriate conversation in regards to parties should be and that you both could really see that this boy could have changed from last year, that you could have set guidelines and if he stepped over them then to call his mom to pick him up.

Hi A. - wow - I dont think I would ever have called another mom from school about not getting invited to a party - If it were the whole class, I might feel differently but not a party where only a few friends are invited.

The only time I might consider it would be if my son expressed that his feelings were really hurt about not being invited. I would try to handle it with my son to avoid a phone call, but we don't know what exactly was going on with this boy. I dont know all the ins and outs of what happened, but maybe your son needed to keep his birthday details a little more under the cuff around that friend if he knew he wasnt being invited. You are right - the world is full of hard-knocks and rejections, but we also are responsible for teaching our kids to be sensitive to others feelings.

Truthfully, I'm not picking up that this mom felt personally rejected but that she was inquiring because of her son. However, we do tend to personalize things with our kids!

From what you wrote it sounds like you were very honest with the other mom and had appropriate boundaries. She knows best of all that her son is a handful - but it's her son and she wants what we all want for our kids: for them to be happy and accepted and to have good friends.

Now that this is out in the open, you might consider inviting him for a short playdate at a park or some other venue outside of your house. It would be reassuring for the mom and the friend. Kids change a lot in a year - you might be pleasantly surprised at the gains this young man has made since last year.