Not Inviting Someone to B-day Party

You have been very patient and polite with this pushy mom and she refuses to get the point. I think at this point you simply tell her that you are sorry but her daughter is not invited to party, and that you would appreciate her not mentioning the issue again. You have the right to invite whomever you want. These kids are old enough to know who their friends are and who they want to hang out with. This isn't kindergarten.

You are doing the right thing by not inviting this girl again. Sounds like she may not be learning social manners because her mother doesn't have any. Just because someone asks a question doesn't mean you need to answer it. When she asks who is invited, look at her and say "why would you ask that?" Do NOT tell her who is invited. If she still doesn't get it, simply say - last year's party got a little out of hand because some of the guests didn't know how to act. It ruined the party and my daughter requested a smaller party this year and that's exactly what she's having. We don't think "the more the merrier" but maybe that works for you. Thanks & have a nice day.

Apples and trees, huh?

I agree with the others. You're going to have to be blunt. Do it with a smile, use the tips others have given you, and bite the bullet.

It would be RUDE to say her daughter was not invited out of the blue with no prompting. That's not what you're doing. You're being hounded and are answering honestly. That's not rude. Uncomfortable as all get out, but not rude.

Unfortunately I think you are just going to have to be blunt and honest.
"I let Suzy pick X amount of girls this year and that's it, I'm sorry it isn't the same as last years party, maybe your daughter will get invited next year, but thanks so much for caring enough to ask." Once she gets the hint it will be done and over with. Once the party comes and goes it will be history.

I think you really need to come clean with her and tell her in no uncertain terms that her daughter acted terrrible last year and for that reason she cannot be invited to your daughter's party. Don't sugar coat it or worry about being 'mean'. It sounds like this woman needs a strong dose of reality. And really-what is there to lose. Its not like you or your daughter would ever want a relationship with her anyhow.

If you don't want to "be rude" you can answer her question by saying "we're still working out the details but I'll be sure that everyone that is invited has enough notice".

If she continues to push you may have to say "Look, I have tried to be nice about this but I don't want to discuss the party with you because your daughter is not one of the few invited. The girls aren't close and after the experience last year, I know that I won't be able to handle your child." It is honest without being rude.

You know honestly you are not helping that parent, that kid or your family by lying. You need to be honest and tell the mom I'm sorry but your child was so out of control at the last party and you did nothing to stop it we really do not want the same drama this year. Does the child have ADD then she can't help herself but the parent is to blame because the parent didnt step into remove her daughter from what was going on. Seriously I hate it so much when people make up lies why they arent invitiing this person or that person. Be honest upfront. Its possible this kids has gotten in control of her behavoir or not. Maybe the lady wants a second chance to prove her daughter has changed and in control now. But unless you bring it up straight forward you are helping no one.

I think that your daughter should have over who she wants. Still I feel like you need to understand the other side of the coin.

My little one had a lot of social issues. Her brother has autism spectrum and she really didn't get a chance to spend a lot of time with kids when she was younger, Perhaps this home school girl didn't either.

As such Genna took a while to get up to speed. I know she was annoying and I tried and tried to get her to understand that she will not have friends if she behaved as she did. She was not invited to a lot of parties.

Although I would not have done what that woman did I don't see her as being pushy. I think she is just desperate for her daughter to have normal, to be invited. She is hoping that she can be the normal for her daughter, that you would invited the girl since you are probably the only one who invited her.

Anyway stick to your guns, your daughter should be happy on her birthday. My little Genna, she is fine now. We are having the whole class for a slumber party this Friday. Yeah, 24 girls, oh what fun!

Still, if only for another mom of the outcast, perhaps your daughter can try to hang out with the girl on occasion. It is the only way she will learn what she can or cannot do in social situations. I am lucky that a few kids or more likely their moms, took a chance on my daughter. She would not be where she is now if they hadn't. :)

Sometimes the right thing, isn't always the right thing..I probably would have made that mistake myself, as I try to make things fair and not hurt anyone's feelings. However, telling this mother the truth, might help her realize how distruptive her child is at someone else's expense. Maybe her daughter is wonderful at home, but terrible when she's not around to watch. Honesty goes a long way.

Hmm. That's really strange to me. No wonder why this poor girl has no manners---her mom doesn't know the "rules" either. :( To ME, it sounds like the mom is very lonely and wants to be included, and for her daughter to be included, and is trying to buy that opportunity by asking what your child wants for her birthday.That's sad, so I wouldn't want to be rude. But you do need to be firm. It's your daughter's special day and she shouldn't be forced to have someone that she doesn't want over for her slumber party. Besides, you need to KNOW the kids coming all night long will know how to obey and follow rules. But...if it were me, I might try to arrange another time that we could meet up and visit/play, because I'd feel bad. (Not about the party, but for her situation).
Was her mom at the party last year to see what happened?
That said, I agree with Grandma T. If it's brought up again, thank her for remembering, and tell her that while last year's party was bigger (and more hectic!), the number for this party will be small and is set, and your daughter has chosen the friends that will attend. If she says something else, just don't answer at all, but shake your head nicely but firmly like you would if it was your daughter who was trying to argue a point.

I had a similiar incident happen for my son's party. The whole party was ruined. The sad part is the mother stayed for the party and saw how her son was behaving and did nothing. Absolutely nothing. I'm sorry but from past experience i would not invite the little girl. And to be perfectly honest, you have to be blunt with the mother.she had no problem being rude to you by not listening to what her daughter did at the last bday party. Trust me girl you have to get your point acrossed. This is your daughters day not theirs dont let them take that away from her.

If she brings it up again I would say something like...
'Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I already mentioned that it is a small party this year...only X, Y & Z are invited. You know how it goes once the girls start getting older and having sleepovers...' Then walk away immediately. You don't need to make yourself any more clear and you shouldn't have to be rude unless she continues to force the issue. If she does then just be clear that her daughter is not invited because your children do not have a close bond and aren't great friends. Good Luck!

Unfortunately this is a situation that will not be solved by beating around the bush. When asked again simply say All of the invites are done and unfortunately her child is not invited this year. Do not say your child made the decision of who to invite as this woman is likely to go to her and "talk" to her and make her feel uncomfortable. If she pressure you into further information be direct and tell her why the child is not invited. Just say her child's behavior at last years party made the day stressful and a birthday party should not be that way and it is easier to avoid that situation again. It will be hard to be blunt but you may save yourself many future encounters by doing this uncomfortable conversation once.

Since she's not getting the hint, I would probably break it to her a little more bluntly than you have been. "I'm sorry, Lola. We've already invited all of the guests to the party that we have room for this year. I know that you and Nehvayuh Mc'Snowflake were looking forward to it since you brought it up a couple of times now, but the guest list has already been set. Last year we had some serious issues at the party when there were too many guests and we had to make some decisions about cutting the list. My daughters and I had to come to a decision together as to who their best friends were to invite to the party."

If she continues to pressure you or if she wants to know why she wasn't one of the chosen few, then you can say, "I'm sorry but the girls just don't seem to get along very well unless they have constant supervision. I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings. So how about those Red Sox?"

Just have to say, this sounds like "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" situations. I am thinking the daughter has learned many of her behaviors from her mom.

Just keep telling yourself that it is okay to have boudaries and with people like this, it is actually necessary to have boundaries.

I know this is going to be uncomfortable, but I think the only way to get through to this mom is just to say that her daughter is not invited. Some people just have to have things in black and white. She sounds like she likes to run over people and you are going to have to be strong.

Just my two cents,
R.

I would tell her again - you are only inviting a few close friends - and that the guest list is not complete yet. If SD decideds to invite annoying girl, you'll get an invitation. If she pushes further, well, you'll have to spill the beans.

This pushy Mom doesn't respond to hints so you are going to have to be very direct with her, which you can do without being rude. Just let her know that her daughter is not invited because your SD would like to have a smaller party with just close friends and with her turning 10 this year, you've left that decision up to her. After that is said, there is no need for you to answer to her any more, no matter what comments she makes. This could be the reason her daughter is so annoying! I hope you're comfortable doing that because sometimes, you just have to put it out there ino rder for people to get it, but it doesn't have to be rude or confrontational.

Good luck to you, let us know what happens and Happy Birthday to your stepdaughter!

The next time she asks, just say this "Thank you for offering to get a bday gift, but we decided not to have a big party like last year. My daughter just wanted a very small sleepover as a gift from us, so she is just having x amount of friends, maybe the girls can go out to lunch to celebrate if your daughter wants to"

The first mistake was not listening to your daughter the first time around. When she first said she did not want to invite so and so, you should have asked her why, and then respected her feelings, and appreciate her honesty. You could have really won brownie points by telling her you respect her making appropriate decisions, and her ability to make good choices. By inviting the girl anyway, you actually dismissed her feelings, and in reality accepted the bad behavior.

This time, I would explain to the "mom" that you are only inviting her close friends, and you are respecting her wishes. After all, it's her party, and you are allowing her to make certain decisions, because she is mature enough to do so. You might also say, kids are funny, some days they are friends, some days they're not. Assure her, that in the future, should they become close friends, you will be happy to include her daughter, if that's what your daughter wishes. You have to learn to say "no" to the mom and daughter, for your daughter's sake. You need to keep teaching your daughter to follow her instincts, which includes trust. If you teach your daughter to "not" trust her feelings, but listen to others, you will be setting her up for much unhappiness in her life.

T

just tell her that your daughter has chosen who she is inviting and she chose to not invite your daughter. and simple as that. this woman is a PITA and will always be like that until you deal with her. theres a reason why the child is like that....

You need to be honest to the Mom and tell her that her child refused to behave last year and she is not welcome in your home again. Hopefully the Mom will see this as a wake-up call and start disciplining her daughter. It's not rude it's honest.

At this point, I wouldn't bring up last year unless I really felt it necessary. I think you will get a more livable reaction if you stick to the fact that the guest list is smaller this year, the birthday girl selected just a few close friends, and you won't be inviting any more. If she says "the more the merrier" just smile and say, "not this time!" It's just my opinion, of course, but I think the time to confront her about her daughter's behavior last year was last year. The fact is that children need to learn that everyone isn't included every single time - sometimes parents need to learn it, too.

I'm with the poster that recommended you just tell her you aren't having a party. Not only to avoid hurt feelings, but it is none of her business and really... it's a sleepover, not a party. Also, you could tell her that you're not having a party because last years was such a nightmare, and you've learned your lesson hee,hee :) give examples of bad things HER daughter was doing. Sounds like she needs a wake up call anyway, sheesh! Good luck...

I think at this point, the mom has proven herself to not be very polite and is definitely being pushy. While you should try to remain civil, you will need to be very blunt. "Your daughter is not invited to the party this year." No more explanation is needed at this point. If she really keeps pushing you for a reason and refuses to accept the "only a few close friends were invited" explanation then lay it out more bluntly (some people need direct because they don't pick up on social clues) and say "last year your daughter was very disruptive at the party and did not follow the few rules that I had reviewed with everyone. It made my daughter and me uncomfortable. I prefer to limit our socializing together to the more structured homeschool activities"

I would have simply told her she wasn't having a party.

Its always good to avoid trouble. When it comes to pushy people like that, I don't say anything. Even if they are in my face, asking me a direct question, I just turn my head and/or walk away. I will not stand for people who can't get the hint I don't want to spend time with them, all the while I'm trying to be as nice as possible.

If your just can't simply avoid her, I would write out a nice note and give it to her the next time she asks about the party. But I would do that as a last resort.

You don't need to, and shouldn't, bring up the child's behavior from last year, as that's not exactly the issue. Your daughter didn't want her there last year either as they are not actually friends. And she is not invited this year as the birthday girl wants friends there for such an intimate gathering. So to pushy mom: "I'm sorry to report that we are not able to include your daughter this year." And if she pushes you more, change the subject -- "oh let's not talk about that matter anymore, how do you feel about the upcoming field trip..."

A lot could have changed in a year... Has your daughter said the girl is the same as before? If she's unsure is there any way to have a get-together when with girl to see if she's matured?
I'm not at all saying you HAVE to invite this girl. I think no matter what though you should, politely, let the mom know in a non-confrontational way that her daughter was being difficult the last time.

I would want to know if my child had behaved in such a matter, because that's not allowed. Then again, I don't drop my kids off at birthday parties, I stay with them.

You've got a lot of good responses here. I'm just adding to them because this woman is so annoying I feel compelled to respond!

I would be as honest with the mom as you feel comfortable and leave it at that. You do NOT need to tell her who IS invited, that is none of her business and could create more problems. You could keep it as simple as, "As I mentioned before, we are just having a small party this year, with just a few friends that SD invited, so please, there is no need for a gift!" or get more honest and say, "you know, our girls are not really close and SD felt "Jenna" really detracted from her party last year. I'm sure she doesn't mean to, but this this and this happened, and we really don't want a repeat."

I like that you're not waivering, because you shouldn't of course. How "helpful" and really truthful you want to be with the mom depends on your comfort level. I don't trust the mom - her actions show she has her own social problems. So I think you need to take that into consideration before giving her the real story as some have suggested. You probably aren't going to change her, but might draw some negative attention to you and your SD. She knows there what the issues are w/o you pointing them out. So be careful, be respectful and keep protecting your SD's wishes! Good luck. Hope the party is great!

I think you handled it great! Keep repeating that over and over. Eventually she will get the hint that nothing will change your mind. If you have to as a last resort, tell her the truth that her daughter was misbehaving the whole time last year and you don't want to chance a repeat!

M

Just tell her! You can tell her without being rude. Explain to her that you want to have a small gathering and that your daughter chose the people she wanted to come. If she's a grown woman then she should take it just fine and if she doesn't so what. :) It's your daughter's day not her daughter's day! You can do it! PS..if she asks why her daughter wasn't chosen simply state because your daughter didn't choose her...don't make it more than it needs to be.

It sounds like the Mom is trying to force an invite by talking to you about buying your daughter a birthday gift. I think she's well aware there are valid reasons you wouldn't invite her back, and she's trying to put you in an awkward position so you'll just feel obligated to invite her. Don't play her game. I think you'll need to blunt with her.

"Listen, I'm sorry, but your daughter will NOT be invited to my daughter's party this year. We are having a smaller group, period. Just her closest friends, chosen by her. Your daughter was NOT one of the friends she chose to invite. We will have NO more than those girls she selected, period. DD was terribly upset last year that your DD behaved so poorly and ruined a good deal of her party. You didn't even listen to me when I tried to tell you about it. Sorry, but you should know the truth. I would hate for you to go out and purchase a birthday gift for my DD under the false belief she will be invited to her party. She WILL NOT be invited this time."

It comes down to the fact of you or someone needs to have a frank conversation with this mom. It will alienate her and make life miserable for the one that does it though. If you are not the confrontive kind then someone else may be the right person.

She is old enough to know that she is not acting the right way and is getting away with it. She is becoming a bully. If her school is not addressing it then they are allowing her to be a bully to their students. Perhaps the mom has already heard her child is a bully and is ignoring the fact.

I would firmly and in a friendly tone answer that she is having a small group and her daughter is not within that small group. Make no promises to invite her another time or in other years. Leave out any further details than its a small group and that does not include her daughter. Seems nervy to inquire about a party AT ALL unless you have an invite in hand

I would just say she picked a few of her closest friends and I am sorry but your daughter is not on the list. Does not mean she does not like her, but not all were invited. Be honest.

Mom's probably that way because her daughter probably doesn't get many invites these days for the reasons you mentioned, and mom probably think people simply don't like her daughter. I'd be honest and say, "I'm sorry - I wish we could invite everyone, but we don't have the space, and since we had so many issues with you daughter at last year's party, she isn't invited this year." If mom asks what kind of issues, stick to the facts without going into the drama - the goal is to say things that the mom can't argue back at. I'd say, "She pushed a girl down the stairs, threw stuff at my SD, and was wandering around areas of the house that were off-limits. We didn't have any kind of problems like this with the other girls. I'm sorry, but she's not invited this year." The mom won't like you, but it may help her wake-up to some of her daughter's issues.