Behavior Problems - Jacksonville,FL

Maybe you should look at why this child is so defiant. You don't say how long she has been with you or why, but she may feel she has been abandoned by her parents and is trying to be in control of something in her life. She may be only three but she still realizes that her parents aren't there. I am raising my grandson that I have had from birth and adopted shen he was three. There are a lot of emotional issues with these kids. You may need professional help.

A teacher who worked with my daughter gave us a tape called 1-2-3 Magic. It was discipline and it worked wonders. It was something she had in her library, she was a montessori teacher. My husband and I sat down and watched it, and got on the same page with her. It was a rough time though, she had just come to live with us and was dealing with her own issues, but we both agreed, we had to set boundaries right away. 3 years later, and we have a pretty happy, fun and bright little girl!

Good Luck!

HI K.
Baring your "age"....considering you "grandma"...you must be old school and you KNOW that the newer philosophies of raising kids DONT work...all evident in our schools and the market place! The old "tried and true" methods of discipline truly work time and time again! I know, I have five...and live a wonderfully blessed, fun life. My kids are happy, respectful, full of zeal and disciplined at the same time! Spank her little butt..in love...talk to her about what she is doing, take away privileges and simply DONT stand for anything short of respect! TEaching her to respect herself! Discipline ministered with love and restraint is the best method ever created...by the source! For a reason.....use it and watch miracles turn right before your eyes. go to www.nogreaterjoy.org and get some books on To Train Up a Child...5$ I think...giving live examples of "how to" and "why" and you will so thankful you read them! And so will your granddaughter. You have it in you...walk it out with confidence...you remember what was "allowed" and not allowed from when you were a kid...go back there! it works...and tune out Dr Phil and Oprah...who dont have a stinkin' clue! God Bless!

K.,

I feel your pain. Three year olds really like to test the boundaries. However, now is definately the time to set the boundaries. She has to know what the rules are and what the consequences are to breaking those rules. And then the tough part-be consistent and follow through. If she thinks she can get away with being defiant, she will keep doing it. She really needs a lot of structure among the chaos of not having her mom and dad around much. She is letting you know that she really wants and needs the stability, with no surprises. Shianne is exploring to see if anyone will care enough to discipline her for her actions. Of course, correct discipline is the key. Let her frustrate herself instead of frustrating you. You could say, Gosh, I sure am sorry that you did that because now you can't watch tv for the rest of the evening. I wonder if the next time you could remember that? or Wow! Do you remember what the consequence for that is, I guess you'll have to go to bed early tonight. Maybe tomorrow you will decide not to do that again so you can stay up until bedtime. Again, the key is not to show her any frustration on your part, but let her have ownership of her actions and of the consequences. You may even let her give ideas of appropriate consequences. My 3-year-old responds well to these ways and I don't have to be stressed about it. I just look at her with a smile and sympathy and say "Honey, I sure wish that you had made a different choice on that, but next time you'll know better. Now, what is the consequence for that?" She will tell me and then follow through because she knows the rules and that there is no other option except to learn through her consequences. Of course, there are times when she has had a rough day and I will just take her in my arms and we will talk it through and she corrects her own behavior, because she feels loved and safe to share her feelings. I don't condemn her or make her feel bad when she makes a mistake, I just gently let her know that she must follow the rules so that she can learn to do the right thing when it comes time to make decisions.
With us, we talk about God and how he wants us to act.
I find that when I am spending more quality time with her, looking at her when she speaks and really listening, she wants to please me instead of trying to get negative attention from me.
Take Care.

Hi
For one, I would watch Super Nanny every week. She has such good advice. It's a great investiment in your time and family to watch that. Second, you weren't specific on the problems you're having. Try rewarding her more and less discipline. She how she learns to react to that instead. Children want to me acknowledged and want you to speak to them and spend time with them. It sounds like your hands are full, and maybe she's seeking attention. She needs some one on one time alone playing and reading with her is all she wants.
Good luck

G. K.,
I am G. Kathy, I have grandchildren and great grandchildren. I love them all very much, each child is unique. It sounds like the little 3 yr. old is seeking attention. I'm sure she gets plenty of attention, however, sometimes they need a little extra love. Just one on one.God bless you and your family. G. Kathy

Consistancy, consistancy, consistancy! Thats the key! If you are consistant each and every time then she will soon get the point! Also, whatever she does, i would make her undo, and if it takes hours, then thats what it takes, only the first couple of times will be rough, after that it will get much better with time. I am sure that you love your grandaughter very much and we just have to make sure they do the right things now for later on in life! Her life has been unstable with the going back n forth and has not been consistant therefor she is actually crying out for some normalcy that is consistant! So whether its being firm, or loving, or even upset with her over something and trying to make her do the right thing, always be consistant about it! Hope that helps some!

L.

Mother of 21,14 &12 year olds and expecting grandmother!

I'm assuming that there is more to your story as to why your 3 yr. old granddaughter is with you which is also adding to these defiant times.

Remember ~ Every child is different. For my son, I say "Do you need a time out" and he's done. On the rare occassions that does not work I take him to time out for 1 minute (I chose one minute because I still have to hold him in time out and he sobs through most of it so I feel he does not need anymore than that). Have a designated spot in each room so that when she gets in trouble you immediately take her to the time out spot. You may have to stay with her ~ As I said, I have to stay with my son and hold him so he stays.

Your grand-daughter is 3 years old and is still trying to figure out how to communicate her feelings. You may try talking to her using aides such as paper plate puppets that you have put a smiley face and sad face on ~ You can give this to her and ask her which one she feels like, then why. Be open to her answer and remember at this age, the smallest things seem like the world is ending to them.

I think aides help tremendously. How about making a rule chart on poster board? Take the things she mostly gets in trouble for and put them on the board ~ "Listen" use a picture of an ear; "Clean up Toys" use a picture of toys; and so forth.

Pick your battles ~ Not every battle is worth fighting right now.

REWARDS!!!! MAKE SURE TO REWARD HER WHEN SHE HAS DONE SOMETHING GOOD OR RIGHT. You want her to see what it's like when she is 'good' or has done something nice. I'm not a big sugar fan for kids so I recommend small toys (wrap them and keep them hidden for these occassions), Popsicles made with Splenda (Walmart in a small pink box), use her interest to help guide you on what to use and look at your local dollar store.

Have you thought about speaking with a child phycologist? They have the tools and resources to really draw out what your grand daughter is feeling and why she is defiant. This would be my strongest recommendation ~ Don't wait because it will only get worse with age.

My son is very stubborn as well ~ just not when it comes to doing as he is told. The issue is really with her being defiant, unfortunately her stubborn ways add to that. I look at them being stubborn as a blessing for later in life ~ It means they will never settle for what life Gives them, they will always strive for more; They will have a target and goal and won't give up until they get it; They will be successful!

I love my 4-year-old son, but he is often stubborn and defiant as well. We have really like the tactics from 1-2-3 Magic--they work well with this age. See the link below for more info. Good luck!

http://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Ch...

I have been doing a lot of reading on the subject because of my son's behavior problems. The best advice I've read can be boiled down to: 1)Lots of positive attention when the child is being appropriate, and 2) "request, then act." In other words, don't repeat yourself, make threats, etc, just take the child by the hand and lead her to to do whatever it is you asked her to do.
There are lots of reasons for "oppositional" children, and from my experience, it didn't get better and I am seeking professional help. I would recommend going to "Masters of Pediatrics.com" (a continuing education site for pediatricians) and scroll down to the one on the oppositional child (about #18 in the series, I think). It's heavy going but you can skim through it to get some talking points for your pediatrician, family, etc. Good luck!

I use time outs for my three year old daughter. I make her stay in a time out for three minutes anytime she hits her brother, disobeys me, or whines. This seems to work for the most part. When you start you may need to keep putting her back in the time out if she comes out but as long as you keep at it until she stays there for the full three minutes without trying to come out, she will soon learn that you mean business. I always give a warning first and if the behavior continues, I put her in the time out. I use a corner, but some people use a step or chair. Whatever is most convenient. It should be somewhere away from where she plays and it is important not to give her any attention when she's in the time out, even to reprimand her. I will explain why she is going there, put her in, then after the time out is over, tell her again why I put her there and ask for an apology and give her a hug. This has been what works best for me. Good luck.

K.,

I am sure it is hard parenting over again after you have raised your 5 children! Shianne is so blessed to have you and your husband to be in her life and raise her with so much love and care! She will realize this more, one day. I do have a book I recommend, that you can also purchase on CD. It's called “Parenting with Love and Logic" by Cline and Fay. You can also go to www.loveandlogic.com Their web sight has lots of help and information as well. I wish you the BEST of BLESSINGS in raising your Shianne!!!

I commend you for taking care of your grandaughter. My mother in law did this with my nephew and I saw first hand the sacrifice she made for him.

Is it possible that your grandaughter's behavior problems are tied up in her story? She must have somewhat of a "story" if she is living with her grandmother instead of her parents. Perhaps this is where her problems sre rootd? Maybe a good counseler would be able to get to the bottom of things and help you decide how to handle those issues. In any case, in the meantime I would use firm discipline and corrective measures to teach her you absoulutley will not accept her defiant behavior. EVERYTIME there is a problem, come back with the same reaction. Over and over again, and pretty soon she'll see you mean businness. If she knows what to expect form you, and it's always the same, she will stop the behavior that brings on the consequence that she doesn't like.
This has always worked with my five kids and countless others that I've had in my honedaycrae. However, like I mentioned, if her problems stem from her history, then "normal" discipline mght not work for her, in which case the help of a professional may be in order.

I 100% agree with the mom (Cary B.)who said "the new methods don't work". I too am living that "wonderfully happy" life with my five kids and it is due to having well disciplined children. I alos recommend the book she mentioned to many of my daycare families, and have used it myself. It will help any parent that is wiling to put forth the effort! In fact, here is the link to check it out:
http://www.gospeltruth.net/children/pearl_tuac.htm
Best wishes and prayers ~C.

Dear K.
I am also in Florida and a Grand-mother and a Great Grand-Mother
Just be patient with love and stick by what you tell her.
Children have a way of Testing you more then once.
Patience,love,Understandig. Also does she play with any little friends ?
It is hard I know but I play Ball in the yard and take them to the Park they love that .
Also love to go to McDonalds on Sand Lake Road as they have a Huge Playground inside as a Treat for her and him.
Also they love Bible School and Sunday School.Show them love and Read to her . Short Stories I read **Mother West Wind Stories **to mine And they are short and cute and keep there interest You can buy them at >>Barnes and Noble <<.
Good Luck

Scerely
R. D.
PS You May write me back if u wish

Wow! A Grandmother doing it all over again. That must be hard! 3-year-olds tend to get frustrated because they feel they have no control over their little lives. Start giving her options, that you pick, of things to eat, wear, and where to go play. Also, consistency is the key to all disciplining. Try to stay calm and carry out every reward you promise and punishment you threaten. They like knowing what is going to happen. Hope this helps!
H.

She probably feels like her mother abandened her and no one understands. I think sometime alone with her might make her feel special! I would let her know that you love her and when she does not listen that hurts your feelings!