Spoiled Rotten 3 (Almost 4) Year Old

You are very wise for recognizing the need to correct this behavior now. As others have said, you do not want her to grow up thinking it's ok to disrespect others, especially adults.

Ahead of time, you could have a talk with your husband about what's about to change and let him put in some of his own ideas so he is involved. Next, the two of you could talk to "Pa" to tell him about a family meeting and what it's going to be about. Let him know that you all feel very blessed that he is able to live there and spend this time with his grand children. Tell him that you want to raise your daughter to be respectful, but the way things are going right now, this is not happening. He may be feeling like since he is not the parent, he isn't qualified to discipline her. He may feel like he's stepping on your toes if he tries to enforce some rules. You could let him know that everyone in the house is expected to respectfully enforce the rules from now on in order to have consistency. Also tell him that she will still love him even if he enforces the rules. They could actually begin to have an even better relationship when there is mutual respect between them.

Next, involve both your daughters and have a meeting where you all decide on the house rules together. Your daughters can be helpful at this and this will help your younger daughter have some ownership to the rules. Keep them simple and only make rules about what is important. Some can be general like "Respect each other" so that this covers name calling, ignoring, talking back, etc. Then, talk about what respecting others looks like so that your younger daughter has a full understanding. A little role playing and acting out scenes could be a fun and effective way to do this. Some rules may need to be more specific.

Let your family know what the consequences are ahead of time. Your daughters may be involved in this too, with your guidance. When your daughter misbehaves or breaks one of the rules, make sure everyone knows how to follow up with the consequences. Logical consequences work best. If your daughter throws a fit because she can't have something, have her sit in her room or do something quietly until she is ready to use her words and act appropriately. She can decide when she is ready. This is more effective than taking something away, as taking something away is totally unrelated. If they can make a connection between the behavior and the consequence, it's more effective.

Remember that children don't automatically know everything from birth. We often expect children to know how to behave when no one has ever really taught them. So far, no one has really taught your daughter what kind of behavior is acceptable and what is not. So, look at this as a learning experience for her. Think of what she needs to help her LEARN when you are thinking of rules and discipline. It will probably take more than just rules and consequences. When she misbehaves, follow through with the consequence, then get down on her level, eye to eye, and talk about why her behavior is not ok in terms she can understand. Make sure your tone of voice is firm, but still respectful. For example, you could firmly say, "That really makes me sad when you...and it is not acceptable. Next time when you are angry, instead of ...., you can use your words to tell me/talk to me in your big girl voice/etc." In helping her learn, it is important to focus on what she CAN do next time, rather than what she can't do. This will help her learn new, alternative behaviors.

Also, in general, I have found huge improvements in behavior when I focus on all the positive things kids do rather than the negative. Spend more time verbally praising her, being silly with her, and just having fun together. Then, it can take some of the focus off of always disciplining her. Also, when kids are constantly being disciplined, it kind of all starts to sound the same to them if they are always being corrected and they don't really "hear you" anymore. They stop paying attention. If you make a bigger contrast between playing happily and then disciplining, they are more likely to pay attention when you are firm with them. I'm not saying to let things slide, just make a bigger contrast between happy times and discipline, instead of constant discipline.

Sorry this is so long, but I wanted to give you some specific example of how to follow through with this. I work with young children and have tried lots of different ways of handling discipline. Something different works with each child, but these ideas generally work.

I understand what you are talking about, my mother-in-law refuses to discipline my daughter and will interupt and offer a video, game or other diversion if I suggest that my 2 year old needs a "time-out". I also know that it can be hard to talk to your in-laws about their "grand-babies". However, it is only respectful to your child that you set and maintain boundaries with her. She will have to deal with rules in the world, whether it is kindergarten or society as a adult.
First I would define what the "big issues" are. Don't try to fix all the behavior problems at once. Maybe start with consistent consequences for getting into things that are known to not be allowed and refusing to be affected by tantrums. The ignoring you will take care of itself when she realizes that if she ignores you, then you just make a decision about a consequence and follow through without her input. A wise person once said "adults do not lose yell and lose control, undisciplined children throw fits" Even if you have to take a short time out before presenting the consequence for her behavior always stay very calm despite her outburts. I would have a gentle conversation with the grandpa, and say that while you know that he wants to make things enjoyable for his granddaughter, that she needs consistency in her life. Just ask that he not go against your decisions and instructions for your daughter. It might be hard for him to discipline her or be consistent himself and that is fine as long as he doesn't disagree with you in front of her when you discipline her. Thank him for being part of her life and how grateful you are that he cares about her so much. Make him feel like a respected partner. You might even ask him how thinks her behavior should be dealt with.
Best of wishes as you continue the monumentous task of raising the next generation. When I get frustrated with my daughter I remember that I don't get to give up on this task, I am shaping part of the future.

Hi R.,

the 1st thing I would do is write down the rules that you want followed in your house.
Then write down what form of a punishment you want to use: time-out, the corner, sent to her room, loss of priviledge(s).

Then have a family meeting, with your husband, FIL and daughter. Let them all know these are the problems that you see, these are the rules and this is the behavior that you do not want your daughter to have and these are the punishments for them. You all need to be on the same page and everyone needs to be consistent with her. Let "PA" know that he can not allow her to do the things that she wants to do and walk all over him, that there are rules she has to follow, just as in us when we are adults. Also explain that you would hope he would respect your wishes and rules for his gradndaughter and help followq these.
Hope this helps, W.

Hi R....
I know what you are going through however, my son is 9. My mother came to live with my husband and I while she was recovering from surgery and she let my son get away with everything. It became a huge problem for us with rules that we always had enforced. She would let him do things we don't, eat anything he wanted before dinner etc... Anyways, I had to talk to her about it. I set her aside and told her how much I appreciate her being around and all but if she was to live with us she had to enforce OUR parenting rules and then I explained to her why. I do know that kids look at their grandparents in a whole other light and they get away with things easier but, it's not ok when Grandma/Grandpa lives with them.
One thing I did was make a chart for my son. I listed things he needed to do after school and what snack he had to chose from. Once he did those things he would get a star and if he didn't he wouldn't get one. At the end of the week we added how many he earned and he had rewards to chose from. I know my son is older but you could do the same thing. Such as... "I won't talk back to my mom/Grandpa today". The only thing is you'll have to hope that her Grandfather will tell you the truth about her behavior if you aren't around. It's actually better to start this at a younger age. Over time they catch on.
I don't know if this helped you or not but I do know if you don't set guidlines or rules for her and her Grandpa it will not get better.
Good Luck!! Let me know how things go.
L. K

R.,
You are correct that this needs to be dealt with immediately. You will need to communicate with your father-in-law since he is part of the problem. Maybe together you two will be able to figure out creative ways to prepare her fror school in hte fall. Parenting comes from many sources, it really does take a village to raise a child. I believe that once your father-in-law understands your concerns he will be more appropriate in their relationship.
K. S

R. - Since "PA" is your father-in-law, your husband should talk to him with you there. #1 is to be honest with him. He should understand if he wants the best for his grand-daughter. #2 don't give in to her. She is not in charge and needs to obey you. Reward her verbally for obeying and doing the right thing.
FYI, I'm a Massage Therapist too!

Spoiled rotten is not so bad. I am a grandmother of 2 boys that live in MN and I live in MO. I've seen the oldest (3 years) about every 2 months since he has been born. I LOVE my guys!! OK, when I'm with my grandson Chase, he has to be with me every second of the day. I love that! I totally understand where you are coming from with the discipline though. I wouldn't want my grandson to be out of control for his parents. You need to just talk to your father-in-law about your feelings of discipline and ask for his help with her. It's hard for a grandparent to be "the bad guy" but like I said I don't want my guys to be terrible kids. Chase "works" me but I can see through it. He knows what he can get by with and what he can't. He is sneaky with some stuff too but he knows that he's doing it and so does your daughter. Really, she is probably the "perfect angel" and you have nothing to worry about. Like I said, just speak to your father-in-law. Nicely but firmly. Hopefully, he will understand and start helping you with her discipline in a suttle way - the grandparent way.......... :)

I have neighbors, husband and wife, who have 2 daughters they spoiled rotten. Those girls ran--and still run--everything in the house. As they entered their teen years, they began cussing out their parents. They would run up huge cell phone bills, lie and sneak around, insist their parents buy them expensive clothes, the list goes on and on. While everyone is very friendly with this couple, they are disrespected across the board for not taking control of their children. Insist that your husband talk to his father and get your daughter's behavior under control before it too late. It will be very tough on your family for a while, but it will pay big benefits for all of you in the end. Good luck!

I have a "just turned 4 year old" boy, so our kids are in the same range. I will have to say that every child is diffent. My son has not been in the same kind of environment as your daughter, but there are some similiarities. My son is VERY strong willed!!! So, I do understand your situation.

As far as your father-n-law, you can't control him...which would be nice!!=) So, you can't control their relationship. BUT, you should be able to have some control over how some things that go on in your house...and especially your daughter. Your daughter should not be allowed to treat you like she is. I know with my son that time outs, where he is in the same room as I am in, work rarely, because of his strong will. It sometimes turns into a game where he keeps trying to get up and I have to keep putting him back into time out until he finally gives in. What I usually do instead is to put him in his room. I will tell him that if he stays atleast inside his door, then the door will stay open. However, this rarely happens, so I close the door (I have one of those door knob safety things on his side of the door so he can't open it) and leave him in there until he stops throwing a fit. I make sure to remind him that when he stops with the fit, he can come out. This has worked better then the other time out and I think the same message gets accross. I will also tell him, if he is whining a lot or starts to throw a fit, then he will have to go to his room if he doesn't stop because I don't want to be around it. This usually stops it. I know my mom said that at 4 years old, they LOVE to whine!! I think the main thing is to teach them appropriate behavior without demeaning them. I hope that makes since. I would also put your daughter in her room if she doesn't treat you how she should and tell her when she chooses to treat you like she should, then she can come out. I have been told that these years here are comparable to the teen years and if you do it right now, then you don't have as many problems later. It is a lot easier to pick your daughter up and put her in her room NOW to help her learn what you are trying to teach her. Maybe when your father-n-law sees all of this, he will HOPEFULLY catch on and get a clue!! I hope that makes since.

I love watching the Nanny 911 show, I think that's the one with "Jo" from England. I sit with my boy and we watch it together and talk about some of the things going on. I have seen her do shows where the grandparents have to get involved in order to make things work. You might see when it airs in your area and watch. Even though the circumstances vary, she seems pretty consistent on her recommendations for correcting behaviors. Good Luck, L.

I'll be brief and to the point: RESPECT! Speak respectfully and humbly to your elders. Respect your own feelings and position. Respect your daughter and patiently help her find healthy ways to solve her problems. Kindness and patience will help while you employ your determination and assertiveness in order to find real solutions.

Remember that you are setting an example of how your children should treat you when you are the grandparent. Don't try to "lay down the law" for him. Ask him for his advice about what to do with your daughter's tantrums and what he feels might be inspiring them. Let him know you feel frustrated and are searching for solutions, but consult with him in a manner that respects his years of experience. Avoid making assumptions!!! Before you blame grandpa, have you considered other things that can inspire such behavior. The book "Is This Your Child" explains how so many aborant behaviors in children are caused by allergies and/or diet. Our children are exposed to so much today.

Also, help your child learn to solve her own problems. You must take control of situations when your child is out of control. This is how you exercise parental authority. But, if you try to "control her attitude" you are likely going to use 'authoritarian' techniques that are almost certain to backfire, frustrating everyone and harming relationships.

Since learning Emotional Freedom Technique, I have been able to help many children learn to control their own 'attitudes'. You might want to visit: www.emofree.com and learn it yourself.

Also, the best book on parenting I've ever known: The Family Virtues Guide, by Linda Popov -- www.virtuesproject.com. We've used it since 1993. I have worked in early childhood development and education, raised my own son, worked with a variety of special needs children, and homeschooled for a few years. The knowledge in this book is the grease that makes it all work!!!

Well R., to begin with, why is your Father in law living with you? No disrespect, but a Father in law should be living on his own especially if your husband is rarely home. Unless there are health issues. Are you intimidated by him? Has he been there since her birth? I am not blaming any of this on Pa, but children are to respect their elders, and he should be helping you with the situation, and he isn't. You might try talking to him about it, or let your husband talk to him about it. You can't let her get away with ordering people around at her age, but I don't know what to tell you to help you with that. (Pray) I think it is typical for all kids to try to do stuff and get away with stuff just to see if they can. If you let them, they will continue to walk on you. Time outs work for some. Take away priviledges whatever they may be.
If she is sneaking around doing stuff...she knows it is wrong. She should be disciplined. Sorry i couldn't give more advice.

hello there. wow i almost have the same problem. my 4 yr old boy does the same thing to me. i am not sure what to tell you bc my parents dont spoil my kids but my son tells me so and he can be such a brat to me sometimes. i would tell your dad how you feel and ask him that he not do what hes been doing with her as much. maybe have him set some limits for her.

I am a grandmother and my grandaughter is with us evreyday after school and many weekends. Yes we you call spoil I call love her alot. I also will not allow her to disrespect us or speak to her mother wrong without my disapproval. I explain to her it is unacceptable. yours is three and may not underttand that term. Mine was three and did that and I did explain that hurts feelings and that we do not speak to her like that and if she did it again there would be punishment. And I stuck to it. I made her do time out. Hard to do as a grandparent. But neccessary for her parents. Tell Pa he needs to correct her or he is doing her an injustice when she does it to others and has to be punisheed.

Hi, R.. I know you've gotten lots of great advice here. I just wondered if you and your husband could help you get your father-in-law to help you with your daughter. Obviously they have a great relationship, but if all of you, together, could help your daughter understand the "hurt feelings" of being disrespected by gently pointing it out every time it happens, then she could perhaps learn that she shouldn't treat anyone like that ... it's not just a mom issue or a Pa issue. Every time she acts out to you ... you and Pa (and Dad when he's home) have the same mantra. Same thing when she does it to Pa, or Dad.
It's just a thought! Good for you for wanting to curb this behavior now! Blessings in your efforts!
G. <><

Hi R.,

My name is M. and I can understand what its like have a parent in the home, I am somewhat going through the same thing right now with my mom in the house spoiling my son. However I think a good thing would be to get with a friend that your daughter is not very familiar with have her to move in with this friend for a whole weekend. Pack her belongings and let her know that because she is not respecting mom she is going to have to go live with someone else. Have your friend to give you a very military style weekend to make her miss home and appreciate mom. I know it sounds a bit mean, but I've known it to work. And please be sure that it's a friend that you know can handle the task and not harm your child. I hope this helps. God bless.

She is your daughter and whatever rules you have set that she needs to follow, well PA needs to obide by the rules. I say if she is acting out now and getting away with things its just gonna get worse as she gets older if its not nipped in the bud. Let him know that she needs to respect him and she shouldnt be telling him what to do.

R.,

Sounds like we are in a little bit of similar situations. I am just starting through a divorce and are living with my parents along with my three daughters- 13, 11 and 16 months. This isn't the first time I have lived with my parents (due to marital problems in the past). One thing I learned early on is that I had to sit down with my folks and talk about the discipline and how it would be handled. Since I am the parents and the girls are my responsibility, it was important to me that the adults in the house see eye to eye on the discipline. I will say what a blessing it is to have your father-in-law there. What a special bond he will have with your kids. However, it can create some discord if some ground rules aren't firmly set in to place. Having 2 "bosses"- well, three when your husband is home, can be confusing for the kids. I know it has been for mine. So, it's been very important for me to establish the rules and have the parents there to help enforce when I am not around.

I hope that has been helpful. Blessings to you and your family.

Mom of 3 Girls in Missouri
G. C