After 10 yrs. Of Marriage My 49 yr. Old Husband Will Not Tell Me Why He Must Sleep And Make Love With The Light On. If Its Bed Time And He Falls A Sleep And I Shut Light Off, He Wakes Up And Turns It Back On.... Help? I Cant Stand This But Most Of All Why Does He Wont Tell Me The Reason And Why He Gets So Angry When I Shut It Off Which Causes A Fight Why Do You Think This Is Happening?
HELP!!!
THANKS -L. O.
Wow I don't think I have ever seen anyone capitalize the first letter of every word before LOL.
maybe he is scared of the dark, or has sleep apnea which scares him when he stops breathing - is the issue that he wants to make love with the light on or that he cant sleep unless the light is on?
well, rather than just shutting it off, how about initiating a conversation about it? one that doesn't sound accusatory. the light issue doesn't sound alarming to me, but an issue that you are both not discussing after 10 years of marriage does.
khairete
S.
I could not begin to guess why it's happening. It would be nice if he could compromise. We put a night light under our bed. If it's on, you can clearly see the floor but it doesn't shine in anyone s eyes. Sometimes we'll leave the light on in the closet and keep the door open a crack.
If worse comes to worse, you can always get a sleep mask.
http://www.dreamessentials.com/a_intro_eye_masks.aspx
L.,
There could be any number of reasons from "just habit" to PTSD, but obviously, you know your husband best.
Just some random thoughts to ponder.......
Is the problem more that the light keeps you awake, or that he won't talk to you about it? Could this "lights on" issue have become symbolic of larger issues in your relationship? (For examp, is it just this he has trouble talking about with you, or are there other things going on?) Have you broached the subject with him, maybe conversationally, and/or with humor, during calm times? You probably have, given it's been 10 yrs, but I know I get "stuck in a rut" sometimes.
Obviously, we can't change others' behavior....is it possible the two of you could come up with a solution together? "Honey, the issue of the light at night obviously is upsetting to you. Is there some way we can discuss it without it causing a fight? The light keeps me awake, and I feel bad that I don't understand why you need it on. Let's come up with a plan to figure out a compromise." or whatever........
Good luck!
My nephew was abused as a child and one of the punishments that he endured was that he was locked in a dark closet for hours at a time. My nephew is now a grown man and he cannot sleep or sit in the dark. He keeps a nightlight on when he goes to sleep. His girlfriend that he lives with doesn't know why he needs the night light on and he is just not ready to go down memory lane. I am sharing this with you because your situation sounds similar. Have some patience and try to bring up the conversation about the lights during the day when you and he are in a good place. Write him a letter ask him about his feelings regarding the dark? In the letter let him know your feelings and see what happens, good luck
Maybe he doesn't know himself, or maybe he does know and the answer is painful/embarassing. Either way, it is good for you to sleep in a very dark room. So long as togetherness doesn't diminish, it might be okay for you to make a different room for him or yourself. As far as the latter, perhaps try a dimmer, but if you're really in the mood lighting is an afterthought.
In a very radical world, he could be filming everything that goes on in the bedroom. But that wouldn't explain him waking up like that. It's certainly strange. He probably should see a sleep therapist, but we both know that that's up to him.
Hi L. - there must be some sort of security he feels having the lights on. For whatever reason, it makes him feel safe to know what's going on around him and unsafe to be in the dark. You might consider googling "EFT or emotional freedom technique". It might help your husband work through some of the emotions to led to a fear of the dark. You could also check out a trauma technique called EMDR.
In the meantime, buy a sleeping mask or find a light that is a good compromise for you and your husband - maybe buy a 10 or 20watt bulb for the light by his side of the bed and install some of those directional nightlights that shine on the floor.
About the fights - have you considered that he may be embarrassed and not want to own up to being a grown man who is afraid of the dark? Also, with irrational fears it's kind of hard to be rational when your in the middle of them - he probably gets angry because he feels hyped up when he wakes up in the dark and doesnt understand why you wouldnt support him after he told you what he wants.
I would start by affirming and validating his feelings by offering to work out a solution. Do some tests together to find out how much light he needs and where in order to feel safe and comfortable.
It sounds like you are bothered more about his communication than the light. But here's a suggestion for the light part: If you are having a hard time going to sleep, perhaps try a meditation CD that will help you fall asleep quickly and take your mind off of it. If you're like me, you are probably keeping yourself up by thinking it over and over in your mind and getting upset so you can't sleep -- and losing sleep makes it even worse.
As far as the communication part, try to bring up the issue when you are both relaxed and rested, perhaps on a date, or quiet time.
Hope this helps. I am sure you will be able to work it out with love!
Blessings
N.
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I don't know why it is happening, or why he wont talk to you about it....but maybe you could wear one of those eye coverings to block out the light for you...or maybe you could turn off the light but turn on the TV w/out the sound?
Put a lamp next to his side of the bed, and put a RED light bulb in it. It's a good light to see/read by, but it's less disruptive to sleep.
Good luck!
Hi L., Your husband may not know him self, and that is why he won't tell you, has his behavior changed in any other areas? He may be going through a mid life crisis, honestly it can be one of so many things, try night lights, like one lady said a TV on with the the sound down, see if he will be open to any of the suggestions. For me, I'm 53, ( young 53) anyway I have to have a night light, the fan on, the closet doors have to be closed and the bedroom door has to be open. My husband closses it for intamacy but then it's opened right up. We all have our little quirks. be patient with him, love him through this. We we all think good thoughts for you guys. J.
What about leaving a very small lamp/light on? Would that be a good compromise?
maybe he has an age old fear of the dark and is ashamed to admit it maybe you should by yourself eyenshades and sto acting like a baby trying to have it your way marrage is a give and take sisuation grow up and act likenan adoult ive been married for 61 years we fight once in a while but always kiss and make up thissaturday we are celeberting his 90th birthday by the way he is still working A. no hills
Updated
maybe he has an age old fear of the dark and is ashamed to admit it maybe you should by yourself eyenshades and sto acting like a baby trying to have it your way marrage is a give and take sisuation grow up and act likenan adoult ive been married for 61 years we fight once in a while but always kiss and make up thissaturday we are celeberting his 90th birthday by the way he is still working A. no hills
Updated
maybe he has an age old fear of the dark and is ashamed to admit it maybe you should by yourself eyenshades and sto acting like a baby trying to have it your way marrage is a give and take sisuation grow up and act likenan adoult ive been married for 61 years we fight once in a while but always kiss and make up thissaturday we are celeberting his 90th birthday by the way he is still working A. no hills
I feel ya... my dh has a fan that drives me up the wall (I have chronic sinus infections... and the fan is horrifically painful to me).
I slept with the light on for several years (ptsd)... but there are other reasons why it could be happening. My friend from AK sleeps with the lights on... because 1/2 the year the sun doesn't really set, and the other half it's pitch dark. My DH slept in a drafty basement or a shed for much of his childhood... the only way he can sleep deeply is to *sort of* replicate the environment.
Your DH may not actually know the reason. What's actually driving you nuts... the light or the not knowing why?
I am not sure why he would need the light on when he falls asleep, but rith regard to making love, it may be that he likes the visual stimulation. Men are visual and obviously like visual stimulation. Why do you think there is thousands of magazines with naked women and very few with naked men. Just a thought
I have a friend that if she slept without the light on she would try to climb out the bedroom window. She wasn't sure why but had done it and luckily had been stopped before she hurt herself. Perhaps he has some type of behavior such as that and is not open because he is embarrassed.
