Are You a Snobby Woman or Overly Judgemental When Meeting Other Women?

If that is what is going on they would not be true friends anyway. True friends do not judge you--they love you for who you are.

I am so not a snob or judgemental BUT........
my life is full. I have good friends that I hardly get a chance to see.......I'm just not interested in making new friends on THAT level. To get the kids together would be fine, but I don't need a new BFF.
Maybe these women are the same way????

Women are weird. The end. Lol.

Well, Im not snobby and judgemental, but there is a mom I met at the beginning of the school year, our daughters ride the bus together and have become really good friends. The mom has reached out to me several times, but we have just been so busy and sick for a MONTH!
I think Im going to call her tomorrow because now your making me feel bad. Shes a super nice woman!! :(

I wouldnt take it so personal, but you shouldnt have to try too hard or they probably arent worth it.

Def calling her tomorrow!!!

You aren't doing anything wrong. You just haven't met the right people yet. I can completely understand where you are coming from. I have gone through that alot and have been judged greatly. I try whenever I meet someone to not judge them. If they are nice to me and nice to their kids etc., I try to get to know them and see if we have anything in common. I met some really great friends through a local mom's group---maybe you could try that? You never know where you will meet your new best friend. My best advice is to be yourself and eventually you will come across someone just as real as you and I and who will want desperately to be your friend. You just have to give it some time. So, as for your question---no I don't pre-judge - I try not to at least :) I try to give everyone an equal opportunity to get to know me and me them. If they are rude and snobby--I take it as they are losing out on a great friend. B/c I know I am a great friend and those in my circle, I would do anything in the world for them. So its really their loss! So--just remember--its not you its THEM. No. Really. It really is them.!

GL and hang in there!

M

I think we can all relate from time to time. I took my little one to a birthday party the other day and we got there a bit late. I said hi to the first lady I came across and she responded and said hello, but went right back to her conversation...it was the child's mother, the host! After about 15 minutes of sitting there feeling like a lump on a log, I pulled out my phone and entertained myself. Maybe next time. Oh well.

No, I am not one of those women but have met a few in the past and I'm always nice to them but do not go out of my way to be overly nice anymore. I remember when my first daughter was born I didn't really have any 'M.' friends so I was quite lonely and in search of finding some 'M.' friends for me and my daughter. It wasn't until we started going to storytime at our local library and taking park district classes that I started to meet some very nice, down-to-earth moms with children similar in age to my daughter - but don't get me wrong because the judgemental moms are there too! What was nice about going to storytime / park district classes was seeing and talking to the same moms and kids each week so I'd be able to see how well our kids would get along and also how well the mom and I would hit it off too. I met one of my closest friends though these classes when our daughters were just under two years old - we clicked instantly, as did our daughters, and when our classes ended we started weekly playdates that we still do to this day - our daughters now in first grade and our younger daughters who are 2-1/2 years old (born 10 days apart) are great playmates as well!

As for the mom that told you your husband was boring - how rude and not someone you'd want to be friends with anyways. Try not to get too discouraged because there are good, non-judgemental ladies out there - they may be far and few between but they do exist!

Isn't it funny how hard it is to make friends after you become a mom? It is like some of us revert to being high school mean girls all over again. It's awful.

I had similar problems as you. At first, it really got to me and I took it very personally. But, after a while, I got over it, as I had more opportunities to meet new moms and found that not all mothers are snobs. I have met many totally cool moms. But, some moms are real you-know-whats -- witches, to say it nicely -- and lots are, in fact.

I think that the stress to be "perfect" mom and wife really gets to some women, and, as you know, there are not many chances to let out stress as a parent, especially when you have a young child at your hip all the time. So, these stressed moms cope by projecting their feelings onto others, trying to make other moms feel inferior so that they can delude themselves into feeling like they are good mothers, so good they are even better than you. It's a sad, desperate act. And it has nothing to do with you, so just leave them alone and move on.

I found a nice little group of moms at my local gymboree, and now that my kids are older, going to his friends' parties are also a nice way to meet new mothers. Still, I have no mommy "besties." It is the way it is, and I am fine with that, as long as my kids are happy and healthy.

Well, I think when our kids are little we develop a "circle of acquaintances" with the parents (school functions, sports, clubs, etc.) but I wouldn't mistake them for "friends"!
Different people provide different vehicles to a social life: play dates at each other's houses should be for the KIDS. My son has buds that I really wouldn't want to have the parents as adult/social friends. Then he has O. bud that my husband & I have gotten to know his parents really well and we all get along great. We've done trips, vacations, etc with both families.

Don't take it personally when the other play date mom doesn't want to sit & be pals......just because your kids play together doesn't=friendship, right?
As for the clean/cluttered house or level of income, I don't really consider that when picking out friends...

I feel the same way sometimes. I made a few friends but really, the kids are not in the same age group so we don't hang much...

I suggest joining some group to make mommy friends.

I am a knitter so I went on ravelry and found another knitter mommy with a child that was preschool aged. ( I have a 20 month old and a 3 yo and she has a 2 yo almost 3 yo...). Works out great. We meet once a week, we knit and show off our newest yarn or project.

Look to a hobby then look within that hobby to make friends. Another group that a nice are runner. They are always cool. Also it helps you work out!

Ive never tried a moms group- hence not many friends.... but im not a snot. I choose to keep my house a certain way. If you don't, that's ok. I don't think your less of a person for it. I can usually find the good or at least tolerable in most people :) I am boring and I like it that way! Before I got married nearly 6 years ago I had a good time and drama out the wazoo so im good with boring!! If we get along and have good conversation that'd all you need. Doesn't matter to me who you are or where you come from!

Aw, honey don't give it another thought. You do what makes YOU happy.
As we get older, it's harder to forge NEW friendships.
I like my old ones from school, work, gym etc.
I don't feel that just b/c I'm a mom I have to immediately click w/moms at school, the park or in my neighborhood.
Personally all my great friends are from childhood,school or jobs.
Do what YOU want to do and what makes you FEEL comfy.
I don't gravitate to ppl just b/c they have kids.
So don't give that lady another thought.
It's kind of like dating: you click or you don't.
And goes for how you feel about ppl. You don't have to "click" w/someone or become friends w/them just b/c you have kids.
Don't worry about the neighbor.
Befriend who you want to befriend.
Don't be offended if someone doesn't want to hang out if their kids don't feel like hanging out. It's ok if that is your only common denominator.
You'll meet other ppl you click with and like better. :)

We are in the same boat, I would totally be your friend. I don't know why it happens. I'm friendly, I'm a great listener, I am not pushy or a taker in any way, my kids play great with others, and yet it seems I see cliques from all around me and I am usually left out. I wish I knew. We are also the poorest of our friends and I think that has a lot to do with it, we don't complain or anything, but b/c we don't live in a huge, fancy house, (though it is still cute and well taken care of), people tend to prefer to go to another's home for playdates that has a fancy swingset and tons of sitting rooms or whatever.

I hope things improve for you after you deliver next month. I would suggest changing parks, play groups and don't bother with your accross the street neighbor (except for the occasional wave if you see them in the yard or store, etc).

The other thing, while you may not be boring, you do sound like you've been holding a little "pity party", so just move on to people who will appreciate your friendship.

Blessings....

I have felt this way many times. I forced myself to join MOPS. I actually joined two groups to get out of the house and give myself a chance to make friends. If I had attended more regularly and helped out, I would have made friends faster. People gravitate towards who they know and frankly once people get one or two friends, they don't seem open to more.

I do not think it is your lack of money, too many toys, or being thrifty. I think you have to keep looking.

I have a friend who only wants to get together twice a month for lunch out. After 1-2 hours, she says it is time to go and I don't hear from her until we make our next lunch date. She hates talking on the phone and won't socialize with anyone when her husband is home from working out of state. I had to accept she wants nothing more.

I had a woman tell me her husband could not stand mine because he thinks we are both so weird. She was not being mean but she wanted to let me know we would not be socializing and I didn't need to keep asking.I appreciated knowing to back off so I didn't waste more efforts.

I have a friend who talks constantly about how much money she doesn't have. They were making $60,000 which is plenty in our area. People got annoyed and fed up with her constantly trying to be frugal and her kids crying when we went to McDonalds because she made them share one drink and won't let them eat with the other kids. It made others uncomfortable so many didn't warm up to her at all or give her a chance. It wasn't her being frugle but how she constantly complained of having less or none.

I've never made friends from a mom's group, but there have been many friendly women who we've hung out with at their meetups, which is great. We are now in a sub with plenty of kids and my kids play with them, so going to a mom's group is an added bonus. Be thankful you have a neighbor who will socialize with you and your kids some of the time. Many people have made friends through mom's groups. Maybe joining one will work for you!

I think I get snubbed a lot. But I also think people are in their own bubble, and just too busy to make a new friend (unless they are very social and want new friends). Like, for example, where we live, there are extremely well off people, some of which are so snooty they literally "don't see you" at the park. They do not look past their fellow snooty mom, or away from their iPhone, even if their kids are playing with yours. Some are nice, but I feel I'm always the one smiling first and saying hi, or possibly asking a few questions. There are also some very poor people, and again, I feel like it's me who gives the first smile, and starts a conversation. If anything, they sort of look me up and down wondering if we're snobs I think. Visually, we sort of blend either way with shabby chic, messy city-country style-whatever that is.

Now. While I'm friendly to everyone, I would be mortified to get to know anyone BETTER, or purposely meet them again, because our schedule is PACKED, and I'm not overly social anyway. Never have been. I homeschool my oldest, we have lots of classes and activities to fit into the week, our trips to the park are sort of rare, and I wouldn't be able to take on a regular new mom friend right now, I barely have time to talk to my old friends. So I've been that mom one or too times to feel bad when another mom mentions possibly getting together again, and I stay "vague" about it. However, again, I've never BEEN too social.

Other moms do want to meet people, and I know they want mom friends and playdate friends, and they get frustrated because it's hard to meet people. My daughter plays with a girl her age across the street, and luckily, neither her mom or I have tried to bond aside from some random playing when we see her daughter in the yard :) So it's not always a big personal judgment, you just need to find the right person who also wants a friend.
As for the lady who said her husband said yours was boring? Losers! jerks. good riddance.
It's not you, it's just very difficult to make new friends in such brief encounters. I'm FINALLY getting together with a new mom friend next week, but we have run into each other at several homeschool activities and have lots in common, kids the exact sames ages, I want my kids exposed to languages and hers speak Spanish, plus mine take French classes and she wants hers to learn French...etc, but it has taken time (many months of running into her) to move into the "new friend" zone.

I can be all three in any given situation. If the person is not interesting enough for me, why should I waste my time? I am not going to settle for someone that has absolutely nothing in common for me, cause I dont want to keep sounding like the boring one, or the know it all. I have friends in each circle of life, but they are older and have known me before kids. I dont mind peoples clutter as long as its not bordering on disgusting. I for one used to be a spotlessly clean person till i had 3 kids. I know clutter, and I know lazy. I dont like lazy. I am judgmental, we all are. You are judging those other women. It seems you gave 2 examples and not 34. If 34 people snubbed ya, then I would think the problem lies with you. Only 2 did, and one is still doing things with you, but refuses to be your bestie. Thats normal among adult women. I have a lonely life as well, I moved hours away from my nearest friend, and like you, have issues meeting new moms that click with me. The closest thing to a friend for me lately is one of my neighbor women, but she has only one kid and a huge social life, because her family all love to take her son for her when she goes out. I have no one to watch mine. So we rarely do things together and talk mostly over technology.

Eh, woman can be bitches. End of story.

Anyone who's a true friend or worth your time won't care if you have money or not.

Finding friends is like dating. Unless you are willing to settle, you will endure many heartaches, breakups, etc.

I know it is frustrating but it is unfair to you and the people you are trying to be friends with to blame it on money. You said yourself you miss having a social life and the money to go with it. Well here it the thing, you are boring, so is your husband because *you* don't yet know how to have fun without money.

It isn't the same anymore, you need to learn how to have fun without money. Then people will think you are fun because you are. I am sure the boring people I know could be nice, I wouldn't know, they are boring. Very few people want to do all the work in a friendship and that unfortunately is what you are asking them to do.

Don't blame it on the money, that is so far off the mark.

Oh and one secret it is about the kids. It is always about the kids.

i honestly think times are such that people just don't have the time. i think i am becoming like your neighbor. i only have time for someone if we are on a playdate for our kids. i think i have gotten exhausted trying to meet people and get to know them deeper only to find out a lot of people are uncomfortable with that. now i am the one who will not go out to lunch or dinner when invited because it isn't a kid-thing. i don't disregard someone due to what they have or don't have. in fact over the years i have come to realization that people who do have plenty are the cheapest and less generous than those who don't have much. i have been in both spectrums, have and have nots and i have never behaved any differently nor have made excuses why i have or don't have. i live in an area where most people judge you based on where you live, how big your house is, what kind of stuff you have. in the beginning, based on how i am a lot of people assumed i was living in a bad neighborhood or have a tiny cottage. i can't count how many times have i been told wow look at your house once the playdates were taking place at my house. and you know what? most who made that comment were written off by me because i realized i would be 'liked' now because i am up to their standards. really? how about take a hike girlfriend.
so, don't stress over anything. be pleased when a playdate takes place, then go into the comfort of your home and family and enjoy life.

I am happy to meet new people but that doesn't mean I have had time to hang out and be buddies and go to each other's house. My daughter is 18 years old now and in college so it's not really relevant, she can find her own friends. It doesn't sound like these mothers are a good fit for YOU but the children might be a good fit for your daughter. My daughter was in a lot of activities and sports, I didn't do a bunch of "play dates" at home...maybe I am too old and it wasn't the thing back then.

All people, including SAHMs, only have so much time to cultivate relationships...period. I have always worked outside of the home and I don't see how finances play into it, except I had some parents who thought since I made money I could be responsible to pay for all of us during activities or when I picked their kids up from school.

This is up to and including my daughter's boyfriend's (2+ years) mother. I know she makes about 1/4 of what I do and, four more kids than I do and REALLY likes to party (I don't). I would have never spent time with her if it were not for her children and at functions/dinner she assumes I will pay (like his graduation dinner).

So is it because I have more money or I am full with my own career and activities? I'm not convinced you are being avoided because parents are busy or you have less money or don't keep your house as clean. Just the way you phrased the question about snobby women leads me to believe that you are setting yourself for "failure" and need to keep searching for a more appropriate match for you and your children. Not everyone wants to be best friends.

Spend time with hubby for dates, they do not have to cost that much. If you think your home is cluttered or not clean enough, clean it for you!

You are NOT doing anything wrong. Some people are just not interested in reaching out and making new friends. They seem content in their perfect little world - so I assume they already have lot of friends with kids same age as theirs , so they are not looking for new friendships.
It's just a matter of time before you meet the right people. When you meet moms who are nice and friendly , do reach out few times before giving up. Everyone is busy with babies at home , so reach our few times before you come to the opinion that they are not interested.
Another thing I would suggest is, try to become friends with the mom first. Maybe talk over the phone (other than just about arranging playdates) or meet over coffee while kid is at daycare or with dad. I feel moms need to have some sort of connection other than playdates to develop a good friendship. Because with kids around , how can you have a decent conversation without getting distracted a hundred times?
Have you joined any mom groups? If not, please do. Here you will meet moms who are interested in making new friends and having a social life. Go to meetup.com and look for meetup groups close to where you live.
I totally get what you are going through. I used to try to make friends with moms I meet at the library story time. I reached out few times, she would just answer my question and move on. I realized my time's not worth for such snobbish moms.
I easily made friends with moms at my workplace. I try to meet them for coffe/lunch. That worked because we have a connection which is not just our kids. Since you are SAHM you might have to try a little harder to do this. If you can't leave kids behind,maybe invite the mom for a shopping trip with kids in strollers. Maybe you can talk a lot more in this case when kids are not running around. Once you feel a friendship developing , then I am sure playdates will follow.