Apathetic Attitude

Hi, L.:
I'm also a full-time stay-home mom with a nearly six year old daughter & a 3 year old son.
Congratulations on your baby girl!
My guess is that the changes you've seen in your little boy's demeanor are likely ENTIRELY due to the MAJOR changes going on in your family's lives: pregnancy/sister coming and stress resulting from your dad's accident. The fact that he's been your one-and-only for SIX years and will soon have to share you with a sibling is HUGE. No matter HOW joyful you are about the baby, think of all the questions & uncertainty that no doubt overwhelm you at times when you wonder what it will be like to mother two ... then imagine what's going on in HIS mind!
Kids are so much more perceptive to even subtle changes than most of us adults. They absorb everything but then often don't know how to express the resulting anxiety or confusion they feel.
I find that sometimes their feelings come out in unexpected ways (on the surface it may seem like 'what do soccer and homework have to do with becoming a big brother or dealing with concerns about grandpa?'). I'm certainly no expert -- just learning as I go and trying to do my best for my kids like we all do -- but I suggest setting aside some time each day that is ALL ABOUT HIM (even just 15 or 20 min/whatever you can manage). Let him feel like he's your sole focus during that time: whether you're taking a walk together, reading a book, tossing a ball, baking a batch of slice/bake cookies, going for a milkshake, skipping rocks ... whatever he enjoys. I don't think it matters much how you spend the time just so he feels like the only thing that matters to you is being with HIM.
Maybe once a week you can plan an outing or activity -- again the focus being time for HIM. Don't we ALL love having something to look forward to, whether it's a vacation/party/sleepover/date night/movie night/or just a couple hours of mommy-time-out? I know I do.
Maybe it seems I'm over-simplifying, but who knows? It could make all the difference. For both of you! (Don't mean to exclude your husband, but I'm guessing he's gone a lot with juggling his music and school.)
On top of whatever you do, I'd make sure you're giving your smart, perceptive little guy EXTRA hugs, snuggles and reassurance that you love him and are proud of him NO MATTER WHAT -- just for being him.
I hope this is helpful to some degree.
God bless,
Julie

I'd suggest you take your son to his pediatrician. It could be a stage he's in, or it could be something like depression or signs of autism.

With so much upheaval in your lives lately, and with a new baby coming, he might be feeling a bit overwhelmed and not know how to express his emotions or how to handle them at such a young age. Your pediatrician might be able to talk with him and suggest ways to help him.

When it comes to autism, it's a slight possibility, but it certainly doesn't hurt to have it ruled out by your pediatrician.

Otherwise, just let your son know he's loved and can talk with you about anything. Also, reward his good behavior with positive praise. You don't have to make a big deal out of it, but you can say something like, "Wow! That was a great job you did on your homework. Good work!" It's amazing how little things like that can make a tremendous difference.

Good luck!

I think it's probably a little of all of those things. It's also still the beginning of the school year and he may still be adjusting there.
As to soccer, my boys did the same thing. They were gung ho to play and did great in practices, but just stood around in games. Boy is that frustrating to watch as a parent! Think how it would be if the boy's daddy is the coach!!
I came to realize though that they are a bit overwhelmed. Being on the field seemed to overstimulate them in a way, and not engaging was their way of dealing with that.
Just my experience, I don't know if it's the same for your boy or not.

I would suggest being very careful about pronouncing any non-violent behavior "unacceptable". The most important information you gave was at the end - the after thought about a new baby and a major disruptive illness in the family. Many adults are fond of saying how resilient children are, but that doesn't mean that trauma is good for them or that it can not damage them.

I should say I'm a sosiology student and currently doing my study on juvenille delinquency. Without getting to drawn out, we've just gone over the many impacts any trauma can have, whether it's a single event or ongoing. Just like adults in extraordinary circumstances can fail to find a way to cope, children are no different, except that they are even MORE sensitive. And it's not the first few days after a shock that are the scariest. It's 3 or 6 or even 9 months later when they've replayed their fears over and over endlessly in their heads and started to live life as if that shocking event were happening every moment.

When you said "5 months ago...." that got my attention. When did he find out he was going to be a brother? Have his teachers come to talk with you about anything specific that they've noticed? He may not be revealing things to you because, clearly, you have your own burdens to carry in this situation. And it sounds like he's VERY smart and has no trouble with his work accept when he doesn't want to pay attention to it. There may be some boredom in there, too, if he's not being challenged enough.

I know I've offered a lot, but I saw many of these things in my daughter after her dad and I split and she can to live with me at age 5. It sounds to me like your boy's reactions are completely normal and actually not near as bad as they might be...or may get if his emotional needs aren't tended to a bit closer. I'm not saying your doing ANYTHING wrong! This sounds like way too much for 2 or 3 or more people to keep afloat and all in one piece. Sometimes other adults who have time and who aren't emotionally involved in the situation in general can offer an ear or attention just on him. Teachers, clergy, church leity, uncle, cousin, family friend...whatever. You get the idea.

I can't know how overwhelmed you are, but I know I've been up to my eyebrows in "what am I gonna do now?" stuff. You just want your wonderful kid to keep being wonderful and not add anything on. But you and I both know how much attention well-ajusted kids need on even boring days. When all is not well or normal AND he sees you stressed- because you are and that's ok too!- assume he may need that much more attention to put him at ease. You're not a bad mother if you can't do it all! That's just silly....

Good luck. It gets better!

L.,
I think that all children go through stages like that all through their life. And I hate to say this but it is even worse when they are teenagers. It may have something to do with your father and/or a new sibbling. It could be his way of dealing with all this because he doesn't know how to talk about it. I wouldn't be hard on him. Just allow him to deal with whatever is bothering him in his way on his time. What I would do is let him know that you really like and respect good things that someone does. Example: like in soccer.....let him know that you like someone that gives their best and does their hardest and how you really love that. Sort of over exaggerate it a bit. And then he will see how you like that and he will start working really hard to get your praise. And when he does.... really praise him for it. Kids love to please and they want to please especially his mom. Same goes for when he does his homework.... when he tries, really praise him. When he doesn't try, kind ignore him a little and go about your business. Try doing the homework again in about 10 minutes. If he doesn't try then, just repeat the process again till it works. What I would do is make sure that he can't see that what he is doing bothers me. Just be very nonchalant about his "bad" actions and really praise the "good" actions. Obviously he is a very smart little boy. He will figure it out. The key word is to be patient. You don't want to harm his self esteem or confidence.
You will be alright and just fine.

Hi L., I thought i was the only one going threw this ,It is like my sweet little boy changed over night.Garrett is also 6 years old,We just moved to another state recently so i thought that was some of it ,But he had a attitude before we moved.His teachers say he is great, But at home he has a attitude. He also loves soccer and is not playing it for the first time. I also have a three year old .He tries to act like his brother. So I had to make new rules and when he gets the attitude and is mean and hateful, I ground him when he comes home from school, I dont let him ride his bike or video gamesor his best buddy down the street cannot come over ect. I have had to do it twice and he doesnt like it. He is getting better. I think alot of it is the age ,They think they are older than they are or they want to be older.He brought home a spelling paper last week with a f on it , I couldnot believe it, this week it was A .Just keep working with him, and figureout what will work with your family. It will be ok, I hope so,I have worried about mine and pray all the time.Congrats on the baby. He will be a great big brother .Garrett was he is crazy about his brother.If you ever need to talk emailme at ____@____.com Let me know how it goes.If you have any advice for me let me know, I take all advise on how to raise two head strong boys.Take Care T.

Your young man has a lot going on in his life. It is a good thing that he is not freaking out about it. Being calm and reserved is a very good way to deal with all the changes and all the events that are all happening all at the same time. Yes getting home work done is very important, and interacting with the class and the team is importnat.
We can not control how we feel, we can only control what we do. Be clear about what behavior you expect of him, but do not insist he be happy about everything all the time. You do not want to give him the idea that he has to hide his feels just to stay out of trouble with you. As long as he is not causing trouble or damage, then his behavior is not a problem.
Your young man is doing just fine. Give him a big hug and tell him everything will be alright, and make sure he knows he is not going to watch TV or get up from the table until his home work is done. When the home work is done, give him another big hug and say thank you and tell him how proud you are of his work. He is really coping very well.
Thank you, T. (Beth & Joey's Mom)

My Son had problems when his sister was born and my father had a massive stroke. I suggest talking to his pediatrician about your concerns. Usually they have a child psychologist he might talk to about what is bothering him. I don't want to alarm you but I would get this way when I was severely depressed. Children can have depression too, especially when things don't go right. Hope this helps. Most of all keep encouraging him with love and let him know things change in life. He just has to learn healthy coping strategies for these changes.

How much attention has he been getting lately? Do you or your husband spend special time with him? My son is very similar to your and I find that sitting down with him at the end of each day and just asking him about his day and how he is feeling really helps. I also ask him if there is anything that is bothering him, or if there is anything that he would like to see happen differently. He might not talk the first night, but after a few night I'm sure he will open up.
The other thing you might want to look at is his free time. Are you carting him around everywhere all day and he never gets to just have a free day or time? Are you pushing him to play soccer even though he is really starting to want to do something else? Maybe he loves it, but needs a break. Of course once you get him to open up, you should be able to find out. I find that because my son is so smart and intelectually mature beyond his years (which sounds like your son), sometimes I forget that he's still a kid. Sometimes I expect too much and I have to pull back and really look at my expectations. Focus on your time with him and getting him to open up, explain to him how you feel, your worries and why you want to talk to him. Let him know you love him and I'm sure it will be fine. I hope this helps.