Any Stepmom's Out There to Advise Me (Birth Mom) on How to Break the Ice?

Try writting her a letter. It won't put her on the spot and will let her know how important it is for the girls to have all their parents at their party.
J.

I'm a stepom of a 11 year old boy and a 14 year old girl as well as the birthmom of a almost 3 year old boy. The kids (I mean the older ones) are most of the time with us, their father and me. Their birthmother has remaried (we were all invited and had a great time) and live in the next town. Basically they have 4 parents and we all get along well. We meet regularly to talk about discipline or for special events and we chitchat as well. My son loves the other parents of his siblings, and it's mutual.
Is there any problem? Yes, my stepdaughter after an attempt to accept me and being nice the first year, can not stand me. I must say that I haven't been always nice to her because she can be so annoying, and the sress level in the house is pretty high. I'm ready now to make more efforts for more communication without judgement with her, but she isn't yet. Well, that's my situation.
Like some other women, I think that you could reach out directly to the stepmother, either by talking or writing and emphasing how all what matters is the good of the children.
Good luck!

Try it!! Maybe she's shy or just uptight in general. Try giving her some compliments, "you seem really nice," or something. It's certainly worth a try.

Hi Z.!

Say something like," HER NAME, I wanted to let you know how happy I am that HIS NAME (your ex)has you in his life. The kids really like you. Is there any chance you guys can be there for the kids BD's? It would mean ALOT to the kids if you guys were there, and I'd really like to do this BD thing right....for their sake. I mean, now that you're in their dad's life, you should be a part of everything too" Yeah,,,see what reaction that will get you! :o) I wouldn't say much than about the BD parties...you don't want her to feel any more intimidated. Then you'll loose the conversation...

If she "turns you down", then you need to have a meeting with your husband WITHOUT HER KNOWING, at first. You'll get a more honest answer from him if it's a one-on-one conversation. Let him know that the two of you can "beat the odds" of blended families and be a part of your kids' lives together. I guarantee...that's what he wants, and even if it's uncomfortable..... he'd do it!

The girlfriend might feel "insecure" around you. I mean, afterall, you did have HIS heart at one time. You did have children together. You did live together forever. You and he shared things that SHE hasn't experienced yet with him. Those thoughts can make a girlfriend feel very "insecure".

I can say from experience, my stepkids are happier NOW than before. All of their Grad Parties, College stuff, etc... have been done together with ALL parents involved. The kids really like it that way. I wish we could've done it sooner for them. It just wasn't "possible" then.

Z., good luck with this. I hope it works out today! I have been a stepmom for 13 years, and these are the little "most important things" to work out for the kids-sake. I do have alot of experience in this area, more than I cared to have....that's for sure :o) I tried to get right to the point for you, but really, there could be more scenarios....this kind of thing can be complex.

Let me now if I can help you, on how to deal with her. I will share my position as a stepmom, and my emotions going through it. Maybe that will help you more.

Let me know how it goes :o)

N.

Sounds to me like you know exactly what to say. Maybe try asking her what arrangment would make her most comfortable. It also sounds like you need to have a heart to heart with your ex, find out if he plans on having a birthday party with the kids on his own. Or possibly suggest taking turns having the joint party, one year at your house and one year at there house. Whatever you do you need to make sure your ex isn't going to start ignoring the kids because of the new woman, and the new woman needs to be told very clearly that she is marrying a man who already has kids.

Dear Z.,
I as well am not a stepmom, though a birth mom. My only suggestion would be to compliment her and make her feel good about herself. I know that is extremely hard to do when she is being so awful. But, maybe if you appealed to her kind and compassionate side with something like "You and Ex-husband mean so much to our kids, and I was wondering if there was anything I could do to make it so that you'd both be able to attend. They're so lucky to have you as a step-mom and I know it would mean sooooooooo much to them to have you and he there".
Just a thought,
D.

Hi Z.~

I'm writing to you from the position of the Stepmom. I have been a stepmom now for 4 years, and I can honestly tell you it has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. This is not because of my wonderful "bonus" daughter, but because of my husband's ex-wife. She has never been welcoming to me and still treats me as if I'm not important and shouldn't be involved in any parenting decisions. From that perspective, the stepmom that you are dealing with is probably insecure and unsure of her place in the family. I think it would be wonderful for you to find time to have a heart to heart with her. Perhaps she is unsure about your feelings on the situation. Or perhaps she hasn't fully become comfortable with the "my husband still has to talk to his ex" idea. I know that it took a lot for me to let go of my pride and jealousy and come to grips with the fact that this woman was going to be a part of my life. I really wish that she would have been accepting of me enough to sit and talk with me. I think you are a wonderful person for being so concerned and proactive, and I wish you were my husband's ex-wife!:) Definitely try to have a conversation with her. Who knows what doors it might open up for the both of you!! Good Luck!

Z.:

May I just say: BLESS YOU, MY SWEET!!!

I am a future step mom of 2 as well, and it has been so very akward to fit in... My fiance has 2 kids from 2 mothers, and at first, I tried to be their friend, but one of them didn't care who I was, as long as I treated her son properly, and the other one I don't really think she is all that great of a person/mom. She raises her child and her step kids with love, but they are all... (I hate to say this but) trash.

Did your current husband have any issues/concerns when he joined your family? Perhaps he might have some insight...

My first suggestion would be to call a meeting of adults: all 4 parents, and lay it all out on the table. Involve the men as well, have the kids out of the house at a friends, or hire a sitter at the house you're not at.

Also, perhaps check out the Step Parenting group on Cafemom (.com). They are a mixed group of mothers and step mothers who utilize the group for support/help/suggestions and even just to vent about their lives in a blended family. Most of us are anonymous.

I wish you luck, and thank you for doing the right thing for the kid's sake!

Dear Z.,
You've already gotten tons of replies, but I feel compelled to chime in because I strongly disagree with many of the other moms.
From your post, it's clear your husband's fiance is uncomfortable with you, with being a step-mom, or something-- the point is, YOU DON'T KNOW exactly what's making her uncomfortable. But based on your description of your interactions with her, she needs space. What would be the best-case scenario from a confrontation like you describe? What would be the worst? If you can live with the consequences of the worst-case scenario, maybe it's worth it to say what you feel. On the other hand, you are entering a long-term relationship with her. Why force the issue this year? I know it's hard on your kids. I'd be tempted to force it for their sake too, but I suggest a long-range view. Chances are, if you give her some space, some breathing room to become accustomed to the changes she's facing, she might show her appreciation by opening up a little in her own time.
Have compassion for her-- she's in a tough spot too.

Dear Z. W:
First of all, kudos to you for being in such a happy place... for you AND your children. I was a step-mom for three years. I then divorced that husband and am now remarried to my LOVE and have two children. So, I'm only speaking from the step-mom perspective.

Clearly, your kids soon-to-be step-mom is feeling tremendously insecure. Those types of actions stem from fear and insecurity. If you do pull her aside, which I think can be done in a non-confrontational way, it should be only to reassure her that you (and the kids) would really like to have her at the party. It would be a real gift for them if you could all be together. You understand that she feels uncomfortable and awkward and is there anything you can do to help make her feel more at ease (this, I think is the most important).

Since you are all in for a very LONG term relationship you should probably act on all of this with "small steps". My Mom always says, "Start the way you want to finish". It sounds like that's precisely what you're doing and by asking her if there's something more you can do to help is REALLY being a wise and wonderful woman...granted quite hard, but emotionally brilliant. At the end of the day, you are doing this for your children. What a beautiful role model you are.

Good luck to you. I hope your children's birthday celebration is GREAT.
T.

In the next encounter with her, just mentioned that you would like to schedule a time when you both can talk about some things. Let her prepare, and maybe you both can go to coffee and clear the air. You won't be able to force teamwork, but you can put your best effort out there!! good luck!!

You are an angel! Just live your life, say what you need to say from your Heart (it Will be heard) and know you can't control how long it takes others to learn and grow. Your children are so lucky to have you and they know it and feel it from you everyday. I am happy for your happiness--you make a positive impression on everyone around you. The stepmom is in your life to get this from you, and hopefully will be able to express it someday. I see you as a teacher for her and others; just continue to be your bright spirit, and not to worry. God bless

"I'm a stepparent and the one who had to initated the commucation: It would be better if you can talk to her before the pick-up. The conversation should between you two women, without men & kids. I would start the conversation out by: Talk about how you appreciated her interaction with the kids. Then, bring up that you & the kids would love to have her at the party. I wouldn't bring up any personally issues at this time. Hopefully, by this point she will be willing to meet with in the near future, just to talk. Because has we both know this is for the "KIDS" not us. Good Luck!!!!

Hello, you wrote my experience except flip it around, I am the stepmom. My husband and I were together for four years before we got married and we provide a wonderful home for his kids on our days. We have tried everything under the sun to get along with his ex. She refuses to talk to me or even look at me. The kids and I get along really well. I have been in their lives since they were 1,2 and 5. Their mother has been in her current relationship for 6 years and has two more kids from that relationship. She told my husband that she is "not ready" to deal with me and she didn't have kids with me so she shouldn't have to parent with me.
I commend you for your mature approach and acceptance of the stepmother of your childern. You sound like you are in a good place, that will benefit your children so much. Just keep the communication lines open with her. She should come around, if she doesn't then she will allienate herself. Yes this will be harder on the kids but you can not be expected to control other peoples actions. Good luck to you, your childrens stepmom doesn't know how lucky she is to someone who is accepting and mature as the mother of her stepchildren.

I am a stepmom. I remember in the beginning feeling quite uncomfortable about doing things with my husband's ex. There is just a stigma to that which takes time for some people to work through. It took us a couple years to get to a place where we were friendly.

The fact that you "expect" to have both of them attend a party does not mean it has to happen. They are entitled to not wanting to associate socially with you. They should sit down with your children and explain that, although they will not be attending the party, they will celebrate their birthdays in a special way. The fact that you say you feel like "SHE" is changing his mind suggests that you feel you have a say in how he makes up his mind. There might be good reason why "SHE" prefers to keep a certain distance between you. You should simply respect that and not create a huge issue around a child's party. When I met my husband, I felt he was constantly manipulated by his ex. I was not worried that they had feelings for one another, but rather did not appreciate how she grilled him for information about me and my kids, and made him feel guilty for having a life of his own. While YOU may think you don't do that with your ex, it may appear to her that you do.

Give her time and space and she may or may not come around. But in the meantime, you really can't force either of them to participate in your fantasy of doing everything together.

Maybe you should pull her aside when she comes and let her know how much your children like/love her and that you are very happy that they have such a good relationship because, after all, children need love from as many people as possible. Also let her know that you're glad that in the future if the kids have problems that they don't feel they can come to you with, that she will be there for them also. Maybe she just doesn't realize that she's needed in this blended family. It would probably break the ice between the two of you for her to know how you feel about her. Then, you can say to her that you wish they would reconsider their decision not to come to the party because the children are very disappointed and confused and you could really use the help.

Hi Z.,

I don't know how much of this you have already started but here is my advice.

First, talk to your ex and let him know that you are going to talk to her and what you are going to say because she has his ear now, not you. You don't want any misunderstanding of what you said. You might even want to include him in on the conversation. Do not let him tell you everything is ok because he will only be trying to avoid conflict because it is getting worse and YOU want to make sure she is feeling ok. It is in the best interest of "our" children that we are all friends.

Second, get a handle on the why from her and be ok with the explaination. She may not want to have a shared party. You have done nothing, but in communication it is not your intentions but how another person perceives your communication. Some inadvertant expression counld have made her feel uncomfortable OR perhaps maybe something your ex said made her feel uncomfortable. (especially if you left him) Open the lines of communication by asking, "Is there a way to have a shared party that will include you?, would you like to help with the planning (just you and her), would you like to pick the theme with your child? Sometimes when we say shared party we mean shared presence and not shared responsibility or creativity. However, if the ex has created a competition between you then it will not work.

More importantly, is she trying to distance your ex from his children. If so, then you have a large problem and it will be up to your ex to deal with it. I expect she be pregnant soon.

I have four children and have team parented two children with their father and "other mother" as we lovingly call her. We all work very well together and have only had one small issue but we typically spoke on the phone a lot. I always asked for her first and talked to her. I asked for a lot of advice from her to make her feel like a co parent. I felt that any of the things she suggested were great but some were not and she was not offended when I did not utilize her suggestions. Fun stuff! I wish you luck.

Attempt to talk to her. I am involed in a blended family and have worked hard to show the kids that everyone can get along. 20 years later all graduations, weddings, etc have gone smoothly and even been fun! She may be a bit intimidated by you, but it can't hurt to try and it might even help.

Hi! I'm a step mom and a birth mom, and an ex to the dad, etc. We put a real twist on the blended family!!! I really believe in sticking with the kids, as it sounds like you do, and even though there have been some awkward times, we all get together for holidays, birthdays, etc. and now (after 11 years) it really flows and works for everyone.
I think that you should definitely check in with this woman, she will be in a primary role in your kids' life and it's to everyones benefit if you two can connect. Maybe empower her by saying you are really happy for her and the dad, happy that she'll be in your kids' life and you'd like to be more close and available to each other as things come up. Chances are she feels really insecure around you for whatever reasons, maybe nothing to do with you.
It is possible that they made the decision not to do the party because they want to start their own rituals with the kids, although it doesn't sound like that from what you said...you could also talk to the dad again and let him know that you were all really surprised and find out a bit about what he's thinking.
I have a similar thing going on in that my ex is now with a woman who neither I or the other ex wife can really relate to. We've always gotten along really well, but it's been pretty awkward with the new girlfriend, who probably feels pretty overwhelmed by our extended brady bunch...my son is turning 12 this weekend and we'll all be together, I'm going to try to find some common ground and maybe win her over a bit. Like I said, it's best for everyone if we're all getting along.
Good luck, it sounds like you're on the right path!

I think talking to her gently is a great idea... she is obviously sensitive about this. "I really want to get along and be a blended family "team" with you two and myself and my husband, is there anything that I can say or do to break the ice or patch things up?" sounds great.. I would leave out "It's extremely obvious that you don't like me or don't want anything to do with me" Try to avoid putting words in her mouth, just let her speak. I think it's great what you are doing!

Unfortunately I think they are being totally immature about the whole thing. I would suggest that you perhaps schedule a meeting between yourselves(you & your current spouse)& your Ex & his. Your new husband may help put her a bit more at ease. Then you all need to talk about the kids together as a "family". Stress that all four of you are the parents & need to present a united front to the children.
I am a step-mom going on 16 years. My "girls" are all grown up now ,but I learned early on that "united we stand, divided we fall". It's a matter of making the kids comfortable to be in whichever environment they happen to be, Mom's or Dad's. I gaurantee that if they think at all that the reason Dad isn't coming is "her", she'll end up paying a hard price. She may think it's uncomfortable now, just wait & see. Through no other fault of her own the children will grow to resent her & in turn they will resent their Dad.
So please whatever you have to do, have that meeting soon.
And God Bless you for being so open about the whole thing. It took me quite a while to get my Husbands ex to warm up to me. I hope you all will not have to wait too long.

I wasn't much of a party thrower, but I have been the other women in the picture. I met a man who had two girls from two different women. I am 11 years younger than the man, let alone 9 years older than the oldest daughter. I felt jealous, and uncomfortable around his girls when they came to visit. I didn't know how to accept them at first. It was awkward for me, I never been with a man with kids before.
Having a new person in your life, some needs time to accept your children, and be comfortable with you. Jealousy is the biggest thing with her. I used to think in my head what kind of life did he have with these two women.
He had a drinking problem so finally I accepted the girls. I spent time with them and bought them things. Its been more than 15 years, and I get along with his first ex. Both ex's did remarry and are happy with their spouses.
From experience, some women try to accept what they had before. I hope this helps to understand her.

Check out the article in last Sunday's Sacto Bee. Get her a copy and this might get the conversation started in the right direction.

I am also not a step mom but ...
maybe you could write her letter about what you want to talkabout. It may give her some time to think about what she wants to say. i would avoid telling her how she feels. i would just tell her, from your heart, how you feel.
I hope they come around.
A.

I am a stepmom of an 11 year old and have 2 younger kids of my own and it was really rough at first with the birth mom and me, but its been 10 years now, so its no longer an issue, and birthday parties were the times each year that it would be awkward. For the stepmom, you don't know anyone there so you feel a little out of your element. If she has any friends with kids you could invite to the party that may help, or ask her to help with something that will give her a job there and be involved (like be in charge of the pinata). Also, if she's that intimidated a heart to heart might not be in order. A small encouragement may be a better start. Maybe something like thank you for being so involved in my kids lives, they really speak highly of you (or something that truthfully reflects how you feel about her in their lives) and leave it at that for the time being to break the ice. Once she starts feeling comfortable it should just get better. Also, planning a time together in a neutral place where its just the smaller group could be a good place to start. (A park, beach, something casual)

I am not a step mother but I do have twins that my husband is not there birth father and trying to get their Dad involved has been a huge struggle for me since they were two. We have invited him for christmas and we have also inveted him to share Father's Day at our house, he usually always responds but does not always show up. For me it is very important that my boys know that my husband and myself see their father as part of our family. Your heart is in the right place you just need to express it to both your ex and his new life partner. Maybe you can try to start by having a meeting with you,your husband, your ex, and his new wife at a safe place (public) to talk about the kids and express how you feel and everyone else express their hearts as well. If it does not happen now, it will end up having to happen later.

Your ex's fiance sounds very insecure. There's a lot of history between you and your ex and I'm going to make a guess that she's worried she'll be reminded of that and won't be able to compete for his attention if everyone hangs out together. I would give them space: two years is not a very long time. If she's around for good, then they'll probably realize soon that getting along is best for the kids, especially if your kids start expressing their hurt feelings about not having their dad around during events that are important to them. If you push too hard too soon, you may alienate them longer then if they came to this decision on their own.

As for the party this year or future years. I would make sure it's in a neutral location (not your house) and that she's aware she can invite a few friends/family if she wanted to. Since it looks like they're not coming this year, I would let your husband know that the kids are dissappointed and suggest that he and his fiance do something special for the kids birthdays. That way, the kids won't feel like they're getting replaced by the new stepmom and you can say something like "Dad can't be here for your party, but he's going to celebrate your birthday by "fill in the blank" and now you get to have two celebrations!"

Divorces are tough on families, so good luck!

Z.
Send a letter explaining how you feel. I think if you pull her aside she will feel on the spot.

honestly I think it's really immature of both of them, frankly this isn't about them, it's about your kids.
They should both be adult enough to put aside differences and be there for the kids..

That being said, I am not sure I would pull her aside tomorrow, but I would mention that you need to talk to her about the kids when she has a moment and mention if she's is more comfortable she can have your ex with her.

Re assure her it's nothing bad, you just need 5 minutes of their times for all of you kiddo's.

Btw I am not a step mom or a birth mom (well i am a birth mom but I'm married to their dad.. sorry to confuse).. but I was in the long term gf position for a while a few years ago

I am a stepmom but our relationship is nothing like yours. You seem to really want to get along and thats great. I think that you have a great idea have a little one on one with her, tell her you would like for her to come and thats its important to the kids. We always try to have things where both families are going to be present at a neutral place like a park so that one or the other is not completley uncomfortable but we know that there will always be a level of it, it helps though. Hopefully you can get through to her how important it is to be there.

I would definately pull her aside when she gets there to pick up the kids. Tell her you are both going to be parenting the kids and there will be times when you will need to discuss things like school and want to be able to get along and communicate. Reassure her how happy you are with your current husband and life and wish her the same with your ex. She needs to know you are not a threat to her relationship. They might not want to come to the party because maybe she wants to include her family and is uncomfortable about that. If you really want it together then see if the two of you can plan it together and invite who you all want there.

Becoming a step parent is a dificult and confusing part. I think it is best that you do ask her woman to woman to become a part of the extended family and that she is welcomed and encourage her to be a part of birhtday and special occasions. My step dad and his ex wife may not have liked each other but the kids would never have known by the way they acted towards each other and all th efamily functions they all attended together. It was always interesting when we had to intruduce our family in public. it was this is my Mom, stepdad, Dad, step mom. People thought it was great we could alll get along. Give it time and patience. Good luck

Hi Z.,

It's very cool that you want to have a positive, open relationship between you and your ex. Unfortunately, you are the exception rather than the rule in the world of divorce, and it does sound like your ex's girlfriend is uncomfortable.

I would say more power to you if you want to pull her aside and talk with her. Maybe it'll go great. But maybe it won't change for her b/c it seems that she feels insecure for whatever reason that has nothing to do with you. I do think a conversation with your ex, as the kids' father, is important too to let him know how the kids feel about him (and the woman) not attending their party. Maybe he's not aware, and at the end of the day, they're his kids, and that choice is on him. And if he is aware and still chooses the same action, then hopefully he will at least speak with them and explain that it's not about them.

It can be a hard thing in life when we wish people would act in the best interest of children's happiness and they don't, but all you can really do is make sure you do your part to be open and welcoming and forgiving and try to help the kids understand what might be going on (in a way that's age appropriate). It's very important that they know it's not about them.

Best wishes,

L.

You totally need to hit her up about the situation. Who cares if your ex isn't with her when she comes. Maybe this will give you two the opportunity to see where one another stands. I know it's her husband and she wants to make him happy by what she says...but she's her own woman and has her own opinion. I am a step mother of a 10 year old. I have been married to her father for 8 years and it's still tough for her. But I try and make the effort to keep us binded... both families. If she does have hard feelings for you, for whatever bizarre reason... she needs to grow up and put it behind her. It's about the kids not you guys. And she needs to realize she is about to marry this man, who is also a father, who had a family before her, she is being added...not the kids.

I think you should definitely reach out to her. She may not know how to approach you, and might be unsure of how you feel about her. Seeing as how she'll be in the picture for a long time to come, it's certainly worth trying to get her to come around. You might want to check out http://www.bonusfamilies.com/ - there are some great ideas on there about how blended families can work together for the benefit of the kids. Good luck!

I think you should just pull her aside and start talking to her. It sounds to me as though she is uncomfortable around you, you have no idea what your ex may have told her about you or your past relationship. I am a second wife for my husband, and he had a 6 year old when we married. His ex wife and I get along fine now, but it wasn't always easy. But I decided that we had to have a friendly relationship for the sake of "our" daughter, and pretty much forced the issue with her. I am not always comfortable around her family, but made myself go to the birthday parties for the sake of the child. Maybe you could suggest that she and your ex husband host the party instead, or hold the party in a neutral place like a park, if that would make everyone more comfortable. It may take time, but if you keep the lines of communication open and honest hopefully it will get more comfortable for all involved.

I would recommend staying away from voicing your assumptions. Don't tell her how she feels about you, and certainly don't tell her what you think you know about why she doesn't want to come. I would try inviting her over for dinner (with her fiance of course). Maybe if you invite HER instead of talking to HIM it will help. We all know the women are in charge. ;-)
When you invite her just simply tell her how excited you are about her upcoming wedding and that you think you two can be friends. Since it sounds like she's just been avoiding you out of discomfort and not being rude to you, she may accept your invitation.
It would be great for all of you if you go out of your way to make her comfortable.

Hope this helps.

Hi Z.. Here's my two cents...whatever the issue(s) with the ex and his new wife to be with you, if any, need to be put aside for the children. Since's I'm a very upfront, call it how I see it type of person, it would be in my opinion to call them both and set up a meeting place, on neutral ground to just talk, blah, blah, blah. Send an email even...but break the ice. If you can't, is your new husband on good terms w/your ex? Maybe he can and the 4 of you sit down. But your children will be the ones hurt in the end. I wish you the best of luck.

PS - and if she still refuses and isn't open...kiss her off and be done w/her at least you tried.

First, seeing as she's already uncomfortable around you I wouldn't spring a heart to heart on her, I would call first and explain to your ex your concerns and say that all four of you need to sit down and talk it out - definitely include your new hubby as well so she won't feel like the odd man out. Talk about how important this is to the children and that because she is now part of the family you want to make sure she knows she is welcome and very much wanted at the family events. Keep the whole talk about how you all need to work together for the kid's sake and point out that their birthdays are the most special day of the year to little kids and it would hurt them greatly if they had to choose between their parents. Honestly, your ex needs a real kick in the pants for allowing this separation to happen but I would bet just pointing out how much this is hurting the children should do the trick. Maybe she's feeling uncomfortable because she feels there isn't a set role for her, perhaps if you offered to let her bring food or set up activities for the kids or something like that it might make her feel a little better. The bottom line is, if you and your ex could get along after your long history together than this woman should be able to do so as well, goodness knows she doesn't have the baggage you two do! Anyway lots of luck and I hope you can get your group party together.

Hi

I am 33 and I am a mom to a 16 year old and a step- mom too. I have a twist a little to mine ok. my Husband kids have different mothers. We have been married for 2 months and together for 2 years.
As a step-parent this is new to me but his daughters mother was a pain in the begining she thought I was "white" and my name was a different name it was hard a bit to underdstand why she has since been married for some years now.
But what we had done was for me my husband and myself and her and her hubby all got together and we went to dinner and talked & spoke about thier daughter and what we were doing has her parents too.I think its hard for both the mom and the step-mom a bit.His sons mother HAS NEVER TALKED TO ME. I would try but she seems not to like me or be really botherd??? But I finally went to pick up my step son and she had no choice but to talk as rude as she is but she has to put all weird feelings aside if she is feeling this! Meaning your Ex's new GF. This will work if she and you guys really try but it sounds like you are and she isnt really trying to hear you right now but she has to.
Let me ask you does she have kids??
She might not really understand how it is to have children???
you can talk to her but at this point I would have maybe you four talk adn get things out in the open maybe, if this feels weird than dont do it we have to face it sooner or later
As a step mom I belive that their are lines that you DONT cross and its hard sometimes now I know too my husband last year his sons birthday was here again and remember his mom never talks to me long story short she didnt invite me to the party. That hurts..So my husband explained to her that he couldnt stay long BC we planned his party with us an dhis family when we had the kids on our weekend, she understood and was rather ok with this since thier is different households and we thought it would be best that way and it worked out, so maybe daddy adn new wide can do a seperate party for YOUR babies :)But also let daddy explain that to them and dads are different too in talking.

But i am ok but if you guys can maybe talk have you spoken to your kids dad about this? She really shouldnt advoid you either we are all women adn we pick up on alot of things too.
maybe this how would it be if you talk to your kids dad about this if so what does he say?
Well I Broke the ICE a little with his sons mother she looks at me we said hi really for the 1st time I went to pick up my step-son from her house i didnt know what to say to hear so also its a communaction things as well!!
But try and talk to her NOT to much just hi and how was your day kinda take it slow maybe. but she does respect you and speaks right????
this is a process and from what i am seeing on my end ITS HARD this makes and or breaks a marriage and its not easy for either side.
I would try going out to dinner not in the house but somewhere in public thats better that what we did and maybe take it slow and start small

I hope everything gets a bit better for you guys
Happy Mothers day
Brii

As a stepmom myself that sounds really awful, I hope she gets over herself for the sake of your kids. But my advice is email can be your friend. Its a less confrontational way to talk and maybe she will read it without getting defensive and actually consider the possibility that she is being immature.
I am sure you have tried this but also reiterating to your ex that the party is really important to your kid and that his lack of presence is heartbreaking. You could even go hardcore and have the kids explain to him why it is important to them that you come. Hope you find something that works.

I am a step mom and a birth mom. 4 yr old with a man I dated, 2.5 with my husband (fell in love after having son) and step mom to two great kids 21 and 18. My son's father and I have the luxury of alot of mediation and child psychologists. It is overwhelmingly agreed that if you keep the focus on the kids and try as much as possible to not have them feel divided they will benefit. I play the step-mom role in the olders kids birthdays, graduations, important events in the older kids lives and grin and bare the time spent with my husbands X and make the best of it(not most comfortable for me but whats best for his kids). My sons father and I attend many things with our son and special events we might have all four kids, my husband, and my sons father( I am sure this is not comfortable for my ex but he grins ands bears it because it is important for our son)

I would get some books for her to read and maybe some highlighted dogeared pages. Keep everything focused on the kids and try to explain that it is hurtful to them for the dad and step mom to shun their birthday party....it makes a kid feel split and causes so many emotional problems in children.

Also a great thing we have learned recently is that it is important to remember that the kids clothes and toys are the KIDS and they should feel that they can move with them from moms and dads houses. The more fluid you make the transistions and interactions between households the more secure the kids will be.

Goodluck and it was great suggestion from the other mom to not read into anything you think she is feeling unless she tells you she is feeling that way to you with her words.

T. C

Maybe not have the heart to heart when she picks up the kids, but ask her to coffee or something so you can talk. that gives her time to mentally/emotionally prepare. If she turns you down ask your ex for help--express your desire with him.

I'm an adoptive mom in an open adoption (bear with me!) and when we first looked at adoption, I had doubts about maintaining contact with out child's birthmom. An adoption counselor said to me: 'its not for you, its for the child'. I think that is true in this case. It isn't about your ex particularly having a good time, etc, its about doing something positive that your children together love. I'm sure you can find a nice way to say this :)

As a child of divorced parents who barely even mention each others names, I think it is great that you can have such a positive attitude to your ex, even if it isn't there on the other side. Maybe the step mom will relax as she feels more secure in the relationship? Although from what you've said it has been a while.

E.

I was a step mom once, we have since gotten a divorce and my current husband is the step dad now (as well as dad to our 2 kids).

It is 'normal' to be suspiscous and uncomfortable around the ex. Your thought to have a heart to heart with the step mom is noble, but I think your approach should be that it is for the kids' benefit. They need to have their dad AND mom as well as both step parents in their lives. It is very hard to grow up now days with all the drugs, violence, expectations we have on the next generation, they need to know that their are people who love them, regardless of being birth parents or step parents. Those people need to get along for the kids sake, issues/fights/etc need to be dealt with away from the kids, and the 4 parents need to back each other up (if one says no, the other 3 need to say no as well). All of the parents should make an effort to speak positively of the other 3, or at least not negatively around the kids and show the kids that blended families can work together.

If you direct the intentions to the kids' benefit rather than why she doesn't like you, you are giving her something positive to do rather than making her feel like she is being attacked or is on the defensive.

As for the dad not going to his own kid's birthday, I assume he plans on doing something separately with the kid to celebrate? The kids need to know both parents love them.

M.