Advice on Ex Husbands Girlfriend

Hi L., I am a stepmom. My stepson considered me a stepmom before my husband and I were even married. We were together for years before we got married and I have always played a very important role in Zach's life. How you deal with this situation is going to be very telling to your daughter about how you feel about her new official or unofficial stepmother. My stepson's biological mom was extremely threatened by my presence, constantly telling her son that she was his one and only mother, which while true, the spirit of always having to emphasize this, only tells the child that mom is threatened, unhappy, and scared, and that it's got something to do with them. For a while, Zach wanted to love me, but everytime he would hug me, or have a sweet moment with me, he would burst into tears, because he felt so guilty that he was betraying his mother. It was heartbreaking. Finally, about a year into this, he told me, my mother doesn't want me to love you. Although she had never actually said those words, he was very clear on this. Then he told me, I do anyway. What a tough decision for a little child to have to make.

You have many options on how to deal with this situation. Here are two of many, you can feel very threatened and be afraid that this woman is going to steal your child's love (this is almost impossible by the way) and you can create a difficult situation for yourself, your child, your husband, and the woman whom he is choosing to spend his time with.

Or you can take the high road. I don't know anything about this woman, but the fact that she told your daughter that she is her STEPmom tells me she is clear on her role, she is not the biological mother. You can make friends with her, as this woman, if she does become your ex's life partner, is going to play an important role in your daughter's life. You can be confident that you are your child's biological mother, that the love that she has for you is unique, and feel good about the fact that there is now another adult woman in her life that wants to love her and have an important role in her life. the more people love your daughter, the better it is for her.

Become your daughter's stepmother's friend, in many ways, you will both co-parent this child, and give your daughter an example of what it's like to be a woman of grace, dignity, strength, and confidence. Your example will serve her well all her life.

I know that this may not be easy. I am getting ready to have a child myself. Of course i want to be my child's one and only mommy, but if God forbid one day my husband and I divorce, I am very clear that I will be grateful if my child's new stepmom loves her. It could be alot worse. The stepmother could reject your child, which while it may feel good to the ego, could prove devastating to the child and her self-esteem.

Well, that's all I have for now. I am passionate about this subject because I am a stepmother, who loves her stepson DEARLY and FIERCELY, and am at times appalled at how often biological mom puts her own egoic, emotional needs over the developmental needs of her son... It is sad, because my intention when I first came into the situation, was to make friends with her, considering what important roles we both played. And no matter how hard my husband and I have both tried, it has been impossible. Because unfortunately, out of everyone in this sad situation, the only one who is unclear about her role in her son's life, is her. The one who is impacted the harshest is Zach, having to struggle every day, with the knowledge that his love for me is considered a betrayal by his mother.

I wish for you, your daughter, your ex-husband and the new "stepmom" (married or not) something much, much greater.

Feel free to connect with me off line about this...

From my heart to yours,

Lily

You are absolutely correct. If they are married or not it is not her place to tell a little one anything like that because it just confuses them. What if he were to break up with her. Your daughter will think that every girlfriend from now on is automatically her step-mom. At this point she is just a girlfriend. If he decides to marry her he needs to sit down with her or the two together. He needs to know in a nice way that this is what she is telling her so the air is clean.Fighting will just make it worst for all. Good Luck!!!

Hi L.,
I agree that your husband should be involved in any conversations like that happening around your daughter, but the questions I have are this.. how long have they been together (your ex and his g/f)? Do they live together? Have they discussed marriage plans and perhaps just not shared them with you yet? All those things could make a big difference and if you're on good terms with them both, I'd take a deep breath and speak to them both together before you go further. I think it's also important to discuss it, but if you go only to your ex, I think that would cause more problems than just talking to both of them casually when you have the chance.

Good luck,
K.

i agree with you completly. my situation is the opposite where i remarried and now doing so they call my husband matt but when they ask ?'s i do say well your daddy is your daddy but matt is your stepdaddy and if your dad ever remarries then that lady would be a stepmom, now my ex husband has a huge problem with that b/c hes very immature and hes not even around 3/4 time... and i guess he feels ??? i dunno what he feels, but we just are open and honest but not before their is a marriage paper should she have said that b/c if anything happens you dont want your daughter confused..and she should not have said it w/out your ex or you knowing...

hello, it depends on how long they have been together or if she is living with him or not. So I would just mention it to him on what your daughter told you, see what he says and tell him that if she is her step mom then both them should have been there to tell her. Maybe he didn't want to tell your daughter and let his girlfriend do it. But he should at least know about it, but she shouldn't say anything to your daughter until she is living with him and mabye getting married. Keep it cool when you tell him so it doesn't cause
a fight, just tell him that its not hurting you any but you dont want your daughter to be confussed.
good lukc

Hi L.,

I totally here you. My ex-husband lives with my ex-best-friend. They have not married - I have moved on and have a wonderful husband now. My EX is still telling my kids that they are just friends - although they not only live in the same house but they share a bed. Sooooo - I agree with you that this was a discussion that your ex should have initiated if he wanted his daughter to view his girl-friend as a Step Mom - however on a larger note the word "Step-mom" should only be attached to his legal wife. See what the other responders say, stay composed and calm but I do feel you need to address this with your ex.

I am a Step-Mom now and we are not all wicked - LOL LOL

Regards,

A.

L.,

I would make sure that you don't make it a big deal. I would simply mention it to him as a factual statement and let him know that you will trust him to handle it appropriately. Be kind about it and explain that you are sure that she didn't mean anything by it, but that you don't want your daughter to be confused and that you know he will do the right thing and then leave it at that.

Take Care,
T.

let it go forget it. You can tell your daughter that she is a step date. And will be so until they marry and stop living in sn.

L.,
It could be worse. You could be facing a situation where the other woman wants nothing to do with your child. This woman is taking an initiative to establish a bonding relationship with your daughter.
You could talk to your daughter and explain the POSITION of a step mom. It's like when your teacher is sick and a substitute comes in. The substitute is not your teacher at all but filling in until your teacher gets back, right? That is the same while your not with mommy there is a female figure that you can turn to, she's not mommy but she is filling in while I am not there. Not to be taking your place but just a woman around in that short time your not.
Rather than finding yourself building up a resentment against this other woman, you should really try to build a relationship with her. Plan a date for the 3 girls to go out, then take it from there. It will be the most difficult thing to do, but for the sake of the child everyone getting along is better. Besides you might find you have a lot more in common than you think. So give it a try and don't ever forget to give it to God. His plan is the plan that will shine through, ask him about it and you will be guided, strengthened, and wiser for the decisions you make.
Best of luck......

I agree with you on this one. When I was really young and my parents split up and divorced well a few years down the road my dad started dating. Well his girlfriend and I was off together alone and she told me that she was going to be my step-mom. I was devastated, because my dad had said nothing to me about this, this was the first I had heard of it. I asked my dad and he sat down and talked to me and let me know that no they were not getting married and let the woman know that she should have not said that to me and if that point ever came in life that they were to sit down together and tell me. I think you should just talk to your ex and let him know that your daughter came to you and told you something that bothered her and wanted to talk to him. Tell him what your daughter said and let him know that this is something that the woman and him both need to sit down and talk about to yours and his daughter if they do decide to get married. But until they do get married and sit down and tell your daughter together that she is not her step-mom. Because that can really upset a child and confuse them in many ways. Speaking from experience I know. Good luck and I hope it works out. Let us know how it goes.

22 yrs old mother of 2

One thing I've learned in customer service training is whenever you'd like to fix a problem,"Praise, correct, praise". Meaning, sandwich the bad thing in between 2 compliments. Maybe say you appreciate the girlfriend trying to establish a bond with your daughter because she might be around a while and this will definately be beneficial in the future. Then express to your ex that it's not fair to confuse your child because she isn't technically the "step-mom" and any family related issues like that need to be addressed by the parents only. Finally say you think it's a good thing for them to be friends.

You might not like this woman and you may not want her around your child, but the only thing that matters is the child is surrounded by positive, responsible adults. Whether you like it or not, she might be around and become step-mom. At that point, it'll be necessary for all involved to get along especially in front of your daughter. Might be a good idea to establish a good repor (sp?) with this lady while you still can.

Anyway, hope everything works out!

Hello L.!
My advice as the (adult) child of divorced parents who fought non-stop as my sister & I were growing up, is to let this go. Your ex's girlfriend calling herself the "stepmom" is just a label. She technically isnt her stepmom, but does it really matter what she calls her?! I hope this doesnt come off as me being ugly, but it really isnt that important. Please take this advice from a person who still to this day cannot talk about my Mom to my Dad b/c they hate each other. Pick & choose your battles. Who knows, they may be engaged & you may not know about it yet.
I hope this helps.
H.

your daughter is old enough to understand marriage. I would just explain to her that, she may be a great woman and she may hope that someday she will have the opportunity to be the step mom of a Wonderful daughter. And that day could come where daddy and she may become husband and wife. But as it stands right now she is just your daddy's girlfriend.

I can understand how this would make you a bit uncomfortable. When your daughter isn't near explain to your ex- that you feel uncomfortable that you weren't told about he and his girlfriend taking their relationship to the next level before your daughter was told. Explain to him that you would have preferred to help prepare your daughter for this big event in all of your lives. It's completely possible that it's wishful thinking on his girlfriend's part. But it may not be. I've always found that by putting "I feel", "I wish", etc into the conversation keeps it from becoming adversarial.

Yes, I agree with you and I believe that it would be fine to speak with him about this. I would stick with what you feel and not what "should" take place. You can only control yourself in this situation and not your husband, much less his girlfriend. I am sorry that she didn't consider your daughter's feelings. God bless you.

Hello,
All I can say is be supportive and try hard to stay open minded about your ex-husbands girlfriends. If not already then one day you will go through it with your mate and the best choice is just to help your daughter receive as much love and acceptance from everyone that is in her life. I know it is hard, just be careful for her sake. L. Z

You are absolutely correct. They are not married, therefore she is NOT a "step-mom." Being a girlfriend, live-in or not, does not qualify a person to be "step-mom."

Actually if they ever do get married you will know, and at that time you will be the one to talk and explain things to her. Including what to call the "step-mom" -- it is important to keep her being respectful, but she doesn't need to feel like this other woman is trying to replace you, and technically the word "step-mom" implies that this is the new mom, i.e. the child lives with the dad and his new wife because the real mother is dead or gone.

Good to keep lines of communication open, and everyone being friendly, but MOST important is for your daughter to feel safe and secure -- which comes from knowing that you are her mom no matter what. This is a girlfriend, not a wife -- there is a probability that she will be replaced at some point, and then there'll be a different girlfriend... but you are always her mom and you won't abandon her to a stranger, and she needs to feel assured of this.

I wanted to ask something -- I am guessing that she was over there on his visitation day... but you said she was with the girlfriend and the daddy was not there. When we were little and visited our dad, even after we got married, his time with us was precious and even though the new wife was nice, it was our dad we wanted to be with. Just a thought....

I think it is important to address it with him. I would sit down and tell him that you don't want her calling anyone a step mom unles he marries them. Not that you don't like his girlfriend but you don't want her to have someone she thinks is a step mom leave if they break up. A marriage is a sign of a stronger commitment then just dating. Then I would tell him that big issues like this should really be address by both of you and not just his girlfriend. When the time comes to tell her something like that that you should be present to support it and show your daughter how you support his relationship and her new extended family. Don't be judgemental or cut his girlfriend down just try to explain why it wasn't the best idea and that he should discuss it with his girlfriend as well so things can flow smoothly with the 3 of you and your daughter's interests are put first. Good luck

Hi, Having a blended family and coming from what we used to call a "broken home," I'd say the most important thing you can do is to make all your interaction with your ex and his girlfriend as respectful as possible. It's great that your daughter is comfortable with you enough to share her experiences when she's spending time with her dad or his girlfriend. It's great that you know what's going on and if she's safe and content and her experiences are appropriate. Your daughter deserves to have a good relationship with all her family. Maybe this woman will not become more important but maybe your ex is on his way to a stable relationship that will only benefit your daughter, and by extension, you. More and more people today are cooperating to give our kids the best experiences possible. Isn't that what love, respect, networking and families are really all about? Be well and happy!

L. D.
mother of three

I know you've talked to your husband already and I'm glad there was a misunderstanding and that it made you feel better to clear a few things up. But one thing that I had to experience makes me a little unsure of assigning "step-mom" as a label only after marriage. I was living with my husband for 4 yrs before we got married and we were engaged for two years before we got married. His daughter entered our life about 4 months before the wedding date. We initially wanted to introduce me as a "step-mom" but her mother wanted to wait until we were married. All that did was confuse his three year old because she wasn't allowed to attend the wedding without her mother and we didn't want her mother there. So in her eyes, one day I just got to be called step-mom. She doesn't understand what marriage means, my role in her life hasn't changed, just the title. We should start focusing more on the role people play in our children's lives and less on the title we want to give them for adult reasons.