Input on Step Moms

hey This is tuff my ex has a miss wonderfull too & I cringe when I hear all the weelend stories. I've tried to explain my feelings of were her place should be & to both of them It dosent work people tell me just to give all the time I can to my son SAd to say that no one that you want to understand you will . good luck J.

Hi,
Here is my view on the subject. I am a child of divorse from the 70's. My opinion is pull your emotions out of it,your feelings are yours and not your daughters and the problems you have with your ex and his girlfriend are also yours. Don't exspect your child to handle adult problems. I do not mean to sound insensitive about this but your daughter is dealing with this situation the best way she knows how. Do not take it so personally. Your daughter knows who her one and only mother is and you can not be replaced. Please do not say anything to your daughter about your hurt feelings.
I once tried to call my stepmom mom and my mom slapped me and said she is not your mom. I never got over that because I was triing to make everyone happy and I never ment to hurt my mom's feelings and as a child I was always confused why it did. I certainly did not mean anything by it----innocence of a child. A child can never have to many people (parents) that love her. She did not create the divorse and she can not help or you that someday she may have four parents. I am sure you exspect your ex husband girlfriend to take care of your daughter like a mom when she is with them.
That being said I do feel for you and your situation. I know how much it must hurt and emotions are high. Trust me it does get better and eaisier. My four parents now attend family funcions ( birthdays grduations ect..)togeather.

yes then (not really )... but for the sake of the children try to make it work .myself i have 3 step children of my own and 3 girls of my own .. . -- to understand this is not about u it's about the children... your girls know that u are mom no one can take your place no matter what... trust me on this no one want to fill in for u

As a step mom of an 8 year old I can only tell you my experience. My husband and his exwife divorced when my step son was one. I started dating my husband after my stepson turned four. He never called me anything but S. when we were dating. The question of me being a "step-mom" came up after we got engaged, and actually he brought it up after talking to his mom. I sat down with him and explained that I was never going to be his mom...that he already had one of those who loved him very much, but that I would be like an extra mom. He was very worried about what he would call me after we got married and I was very sure to tell him that he would call me whatever he wanted to, it was up to him. If he wanted to keep calling me S., than that's what he should do, because I was his S..
It sounds like this woman is just dating your husband, and if this is the case then it is totally inappropriate for them to be telling your children that she is their other mom. However, if they are engaged I can see the subject coming up. But they arent handling it quite right. I would just gage how your kids feel about it. If they seem upset that they are being told that this woman is there mom now, then you need to explain to them that they have one mother...and that while this other woman will be very important to them in their life...she will never be their mommy.
It is hard being a step mom...it is hard to know where the line is...at least for me, I don't want my step son to feel like I don't love him as much as I love the son that I now have with my husband, but I don't want him to feel like I am trying to take his mom's place...it is a very hard balancing act.....so I do have a soft spot for other step moms who are attempting it. But having said that, I have no use for those who throw their weight around and try to act like they are going to change things because their involved now....
The bottom line is that everyone should remember that the kids come first, it's not about anyone else;s feelings, its about theirs.....
I hope this helps!!!

Hello. I am step mom to 2, they were 9 & 7 when I became involved with their dad. I left it up to them as to what to call me. Their mom is a great lady, and I know I could never replace her, but the kids know that I am here for them if they ever need me. They are now 17 & 15, and we are close, and they have never called me mom. I am sure some wouldn't agree with me, but mom is a title. You are their mother and they won't forget that. I feel that it expands childrens lives to have many different role models, and if they like this woman and want to call her mom, that means you gave them the confidence to make decisions. If you are uncomfortable with them using the word "mom" maybe they would be willing to call her ma or momma. Just my thoughts. Thanks for listening (reading) Have a great day! Dorie

What was the context of the conversation that the "other mom" reference was used?

Looking at the ages of your children, it could have been something as simple as asking the GF if she was their "Mom" since she was with their "Dad". And her response could have been something like I am your "other Mom", just trying to keep it on their level as opposed to saying "I am your Dad's girlfriend/fiancee" which may require more explaination.

I can understand where it would be a punch in the stomach for them to refer to someone else, especially someone you were not fond of, as their "other" Mom. And given your feelings towards her and your ex, it could have been a shot at you.

I would tuck this one away. Don't deal with it now, wait and see if it comes up again.

I am a step mom and a birth mom. I have never asked the kids to call me anything special, so they call me by my first name. They do refer to me as their step mom and I am fine with that, but I prefer to think of myself as a "bonus" mom!

I am a step mom too, as well as a new mom myself. With the "guys" (my husbands first sons)I always have had them call me by my first name. They are loving and caring kids, they tell me they love me and all that, but I don't feel like it is a good idea to let them call me mom. Just because I am not. Plus, as any woman knows, all exes hate all current wife/girlfriend no matter what. The last thing you need is to give them another reason.
I just go at it by treating the kids good, taking care of some of their needs on the weekends when they are at our house. And be a good friend to them, have fun and learn, go out and shop or have lunch..
It sounds to me like this woman has a problem with you, maybe wants to push your buttons a little bit.
Tell the girls that you are their only mommy, and tell your ex to back off and to talk to his girlfriend. Make sure he knows it's inappropriate and you won't stand for it.

I don't think you are wrong by feeling the way you do. You are their mother and she is their dad's current girlfriend. You could approach the subject by saying that you don't want the kids to be "confused" and that you want them to call his girlfriend by her first name only. What would happen if they break up next week and left the girls wondering where their "other mother" went. Explain that when you bring a man into the kids life he would not like it if you were allowing that man to be their "other dad". He is their only Dad just as you are their only Mom and that is it.(unless someone gets married but we'll hope that doesn't happen any time soon!) Good Luck!

ok well let me tell you this my dad is on his 4th marriage so I have alittle insight on stepmoms. Personally i think that your girsls should address her by her name for 2 reasons, she is only their dad's girlfriend and in past experience they don't always stick around. and 2 is Um YOUR ARE their mother! Now i did cll my second stepmom my mom because she raised me and my mom was out of my life. And my half brother and sister call their stepdad their dad because he rasied them. Now I know my dad says that he really didn't like them calling their stepdad dad but he wasn't in their lives so he kept quite about it. so thats my 2 cents

I don't think you're wrong at all. She's not even his wife yet, so she has no right to titles. And, that is extremely irresponsible on his part b/c if they don't get married is every new woman in his life going to get the title "other mother"?

I have a feeling your ex isn't the kind that is going to listen to reason, but it's still probably good to try to let him know that you don't think it's acceptable. Most definitely though you should talk to your daughters about it and make it clear to them that they have one mother, and there is no such thing as the other mom. When and if your husband gets married, that is when it will be time to come up w/a name for step mom.

I am a step mom and the bio-mom is still very involved. I guess if you are blessed enough to have another woman in your children's life that is good to the girls and can take care of them in your absence, you are lucky. Often stepmoms can be mean and be unfair and mistreat stepkids so if she is good to your girls, I see that as a huge plus. For example, I'll be taking my stepson to the dr today.....that is a mom's job right??? But I'll need to do that in her absense b/c he'll be with me. I could let him be sick and say "who cares" but its not about US as adults.Its about the kids and having them raised as stable as we can in a broken home. You will ALWAYS be the mom, she really can't ever "take over". They might even like her more some days b/c she is not their mom and they might be able to relate to her on a different level too. No one can really take the place of a mom. We prefer the term "Bonus mom" in our house b/c like it or not, I do the duties of a mom.

On the other hand you mentioned that she is your ex's girlfriend which does not necessarily, in my opinion, give her the status of stepmom. Will they be marrying? If your ex is going to go thru several girlfriends and have them all be "the other moms" that is what I would address. Not the fact that another woman cares for your kids and wants whats best for them.

Jealousy can really be dangerous and cause HUGE problems....believe me, I've been there too before we worked it all out. Is there a fundamental reason to dislike her? Are her morals corrupt? Is she mean? etc.....

I hope this helps you a little bit.

Hi Billijo,

I just had to respond to your delimma. I am on the "other" side of your problem. I am a "step-mom", but the problems came from the Mom. I never put myself into her position with the kids. They were 10 & 12 when my husband and I got married. I also brought a 3 year old into the mix. I was often accused of trying to be their "mother" and in my own defense, we made it clear from the get go that they had a mom and that, even though I was now in a parental position, I was NOT the mom. I loved them as a mother would and looked out for their well being, as a mother would, but when it came down to it, I always reverted back to the fact that I wasn't the mom. They have always called me by my first name. That has never been questioned. Without getting into a long drawn out story about my life and woes, suffice it to say that these kids have known and know that I am a constant in their life, and have often come to me for advice (moreso "motherly" advice) because I can step back and help them look at the big picture. The kids are now 24, 22 and 15 and with the exception of a few horrendous situations, I would not change a thing. I love them and I know that they love me. This probably sounds a lot like the ramblings of a crazy person, but keep the faith, talk to your ex and if that doesn't help, talk to his girlfriend (if that is possible) and let her know your feelings, she may be being told other things from your ex and feels that her being called "the other mom" is acceptable. I would definately talk to your girls, albeit, they are kinda young and just gently re-inforce your position. I don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing, but I would strongly urge them to only call this "girlfriend" by her first name. Just be careful that you don't put them in the middle of something and they wind up feeling bad or getting hurt or reprimanded.

I am sorry this is kinda long, but as I said, this just skims the surface of what I would have liked to say. I hope this helps.

K.

Hi, I'm the stepmom for my husbands 6 year old whom has been in my life for about 5 years. My situation is opposite from yours. My husbands ex has gotten married about 2 years ago and she has her son call the new husband daddy. My husband has ALWAYS been a part of the childs life. So to fix the problem we had the child statr calling me mommy. Well when that got back to the ex she got very angry, but she now understands how my husband feels. Needless to say stepdad is now James not daddy.

I can speak from both the perspective of the child and the ex-wife.
When I was young my parents divorced and my mom remarried a wonderful and committed man whom I love dearly. But no matter how much I love my step-dad everyone involved knew I only have ONE father. No one else could claim my dad's "title" or position in my life. My step-dad has always been "Richard" and my father has always been "Daddy".
I am now remarried to a terrific man who loves my daughter and she loves him, but it was known from the beginning that my daughter already has a father. No matter how much my childs father drives me crazy and how often I imagine him diasappearing from the face of the earth he is my daughter's only father.
It is great for a child of divorce to have that extra person in their life to love but that person should realize and respect that no matter how many doctor's appointments she goes to or how many meals she prepares she is not your childs mother, that position is already filled.

I don't think that you are being unfair. Everyone has their own way of thinking about this but I am not comfortable with my daughter calling any other woman "mommy" or any other man "daddy". I have one daughter and she one has one mom and one dad as far as I am concerned. I know of different situations where the other parent doesn't mind until their child tells that them the have another "daddy" or "mommy," then they get upset.

As far as your ex's girlfriend... she doesn't even get to use that title if she is not married to your ex. Girlfriends and Boyfriends come and go and that can be really confusing for all children (young and old). My mother had a longterm boyfriend (13 years) when I was a child and she never asked me to call him a stepfather or daddy and I never felt the desire to do it because he never fulfilled that role. Maybe I would feel differently if the person had a super positive role in the raising of the child because the child lived with them.

This is one of the biggest challenges that all single parents face. There is no need for you to be jealous, angry or concerned about your children's relationship with the other woman. Be careful that you are not manipulated by her, your ex or your children into to competing with her on any level. People can see your vulnerability and use it to control you and your emotions. The structure of the American family has changed but it can benefit all involved if the key people (parents) make an agreement to make it work.

It's your job to provide your daughters with a foundation that you see fit so that they can have wonderful lives.

M.
Founder of Mamihood
http://www.mamihood.com

They are not married, so this woman as of now is not even a step-mother. If they get married, then perhaps she can earn clever titles.

With that said, even if they get married, you are correct, you are your daughters only mother. However, your ex will probably do what he can to zing it to you, so your best bet is to have a talk with your daughters that you prefer they not call her "Mom".

I agree with you there is only 1 mom and 1 dad. I am a stepmom and I have never asked my stepson to call me mom. I don't think it is right to make a kid call two women mom. He calls me by my first name. Now she is just the girlfriend so there is NO reason what so ever that they should call her mom. She has no permant place in their lives. I would explain to your children that you are their only mom and their dad is their only dad. I know if my husband's ex ever had their son call her boyfriend dad there would be major fights. I feel that you should also tell your ex that you are their mother and you don't want your children calling any other woman mom.

I am a step mom, but its a little different, Im married to her father so legally Im a step mom.... Which makes a difference but..... the way I feel about it --- its how your daughters feel. No one should put that idea in their heads. Your ex should always refer to her by her name not mom n her too. If the girls feel that connection to the lady they will on their own call her mom or mommy _______. See we never told our daughter to call me mom, her other mother actually disciplined her for doing it but on her own she called me mamma J. till she was almost 3 then she dropped the J. n calls me mom or mommy... The difference is her natural mother isnt really a mom so..... but, you are and your ex needs to respect your feelings n rights -- the girls have rights to noone should be forced into their lives n they should be able to call her by her name until or unless they on their own decide they feel shes motherly and they want to call her mom. I hope this helps --- I can definately see how you feel. Your daughters have their mom and noone should be a fill in youre still there -- so unless they want to call her mom noone has the right to inforce it. Good luck talking to the ex.

Oh HELL no. I don't think so. It would be over my dead body that my children call another woman mom. I agree with you...it is not right for them to even assume that she has the right to be called mom. There has to be some way that you can address this directly with your children and come up with another nick name for her (I could mention a few but...children shouldn't say those words), ask them to help in the process. I'm sorry but unless she went through labor with these kids she has no right and has totally and without exception over stepped her bounds. I would make it very clear to ex-hubby that under no circumstances is she to be called mom, and it makes your kids uncomfortable to call her that, and if it continues you will start limiting his visitation with them. I don't care if he marries her...she IS NOT their mother and never will be.

Hi Billijo:

You are 100% right for feeling that way. There should be only one Mom and one Dad. Maybe you should sit down with your girls, and tell them that they only have one Mom (you)and that they should not call anyone else Mom. Explain to them why you feel that way. Open up gently to them. That is what builds a relationship between a mom and daughter. In your own sweet way, also tell them that what you guys talk about should stay between you guys. They should approach the other by her name, and regardless to show the respect. How would your ex feel if they considered or call someone else Dad??
I am totally against it.

Hi Billijo.
I can't imagine being in that position. It would make me insane to hear my kids calling some other woman MOM!!! I also think this "detail" should be made very clear. This woman is only a girlfriend and may not be there forever. They are young and don't need that kind of confusion later when another "other mom" comes into the picture. I also think they should call her by her first name.

This is a completely other situation, but, my mom passed away when I was 13. My aunt (my mom's sister) has been a real mother figure for me ever since. She calls me her daughter and always took care of me and my needs and been a HUGE part of my life. My kids call her Nana...BUT...I could never ever call her Mom. I just can't do it. She doesn't expect me to or need me to, and I believe that's from a perspective of respect and understanding. This woman, even though in the middle of this situation needs to have the same respect of your children and of you!!!

I wish you the best.

Hi Billijo, I am a stepmom to a wonderful 12 year old boy. I have been a stepmom for 71/2 years and would never DREAM of telling him I am his "other Mom". He has a mom who he lives with and does a great job with him, especially considering she's a single parent. In the beginning things were awkward and a bit difficult to get used to, which I think is normal but as the years go on you learn to appreciate one another and have the child's best interest before your personal feelings. Your ex's girlfriend is totally out of line and you have every right to talk to him about it. Best of luck to you. Jen

Well- I am from divorced family- i had it rough with my step mom she was fine until she had her kids and then it went down hill. for many years id cry myself to sleep- thats one of the reasons my eating disorder developed,now recovered but it definetly contributed, you see when i finally went to live with my mom @ age 15, that whole side resented me I Still dont talk to my dad- or should i say he doesnt talk to me. Ive tried to mend that fence but its not up to me-- Well to get back to your answer- Be supportive of your girls (dont talk bad about this other woman It will make it only worse) Always tell your girls, you are there for them like no one else ever could be ( you carried each for 9 months!) Be consistant and dont fight with ur ex in front of them.....Push comes to shove they'll see who's the bigger person , set the example, dont lower yourself to this womans standard- apparently she is insecure, because if she was secure she would not try to intrude on that relationship with ur daughters. Let some of it roll of your back. Show your daughters some good self esteem and try to do your best not to choke the B****, lol on a lighter note, worry about what goes on in your house with the exception of you daughters well being, if it starts effecting them negatively then I would make it a real issue! Im always here to talk - D.

This is a good one for me because I am both a step mom and have a daughter who had a step mom.
I think sometimes the best thing you can do is try not to react to stuff like this.This must be very hard for you, my stepson is awesome,he doesnt call me mom,his choice,but we have a great relationship.
My daughter's step mom is no kind of woman in my opinion but then again her dad isnt much of a dad either.
Being a step mom is great what I love about our situation is that his mom lets me love him like he's mine.
He knows who his mom is.
your children know you are thier mommy but i gotta tell u I would encourage the girls to open themselves up to this "stepmom" since it seems shes gonna stick around,look at it this way how could your children be hurt by someone else being loving towwards them
remember always if you dishonor the parent you dishonor the child thats the simple truth.
I'll tell you the better your kids see you adjust to these changes the easier it will be for them to adjust to thier new situation and its critical that they feel thier life is still ok even though mom and dad live in two seperate places
try to be amused by this kind of stuff especially if its a head game he's playing with you
say things to your kids like isnt it great that dad has a friend who likes you so much
a positive cant be negitive when added to a positive, just keep being positive and consistent dont wage war over this issue your kids will be the only ones who lose ya know what I mean?
dont worry mom they KNOW who thier mommy is they KNOW!!!!!!
peace and joy to ya !,Mb

How about a stepmom's point of view, talk to your ex and his girlfriend and explain to them how you feel, I can get you not wanting them to call her mom, but pray that she treats them like one...They can never have too many role models and people they trust to talk to... if for some reason they can't talk to you about what's going in their lives she would be a good alternative and keep an open line of communication with her so that she can relate and major goings on to you and your ex. Believe me when I say that your ex's girlfriend is not trying to take your place, she is just loving your kids the same way you would. If your ex marries her she will be their step"mom" and isn't better to "keep your frienda close but your enemies closer".