Any Advice for Mom of Bully

One of my hard and fast rules is that no one is allowed to have "angry feet or angry hands" in my house. The punishment for physical aggression is one spank on the rear end. I personally don't consider that "aggression" on my part because my intent is never to cause harm - it is a disciplinary tactic. And it is a very effective one.

I have a friend with a four year old son. He is extremely aggressive and will even slap and kick at his own mother. His mother doesn't agree with corporal punishment. She is the sweetest, kindest, most generous person I know. They don't watch anything violent and she was just beside herself trying to figure out how her son "learned" to be so aggressive. (I think it's a personality trait. Some children are just naturally more aggressive - and it's up to the adults to direct the aggression into socially acceptable actions.) Even knowing that corporal punishment is one of the disciplinary tools I am willing to employ, she still wanted me to watch her son one day per week. I made it VERY clear that my rules and punishments would apply to her son and she reluctantly agreed. In the first week, her son physically attacked my son when my son refused to give him a toy he was playing with. He got a spank on the bottom. About six weeks later he kicked my neighbor's two year old and got one spank. That was the end of his bullying in my house. Over the next six months, he got kicked out of preschool because of his aggression but in my house he kept his hands and feet to himself. (This does not mean he was a perfect angel. He and my son would still argue and bicker, but they darn sure kept their hands to themselves.) I am VERY consistent - and spanking is most definitely NOT the punishment for every offense. For name calling or "angry words" - the punishment is a time out to the bedroom. For other types of misbehavior, the punishment might be taking away privileges, etc. But physical aggression earns a spank every single time it happens, and because I am so consistent with this I don't have a problem with physical aggression in my house.

J.,

First of all, I think it took courage for you to post your concern - it is easy to empathize with the children who are bullied and to forget that the bully is also a child who deserves our compassion.

Most research says that bullying behavior under the age of 6 is usually due to a child who wants to get his/her own way and simply doesn't know how else to go about it. When bullying continues after age 6, it's a much more serious sign.

Here are some ideas - they echo much of the other advice you've gotten:

Figure out what he really loves - what are his favorite toys, activities, etc. Then think carefully about what toys/activities he will be denied if he shows any bullying behavior. It may help to write them down so that you can clearly think about it and later re-evaluate it.

Then think of a big reward for him - such as a special toy that he really, really wants or a trip somewhere (that you can afford, of course!!). Depending on your family, it could be a trip to get ice cream or a trip to a real farm not far away.

Pick a date that you will sit down with him to explain that your family has a new rule: zero tolerance for bullying behavior. Find a time when you're not busy with the younger son. It would be good if you and your husband could do this together. This should not be a heavy, "you're a bad kid" sort of conversation.

Explain that this is a new family rule that will apply to everyone - mom, dad, him, baby brother and anyone who visits the family. Try to be upbeat about it, like you're excited about this new rule.

I would then ask him what he thinks bullying behavior is - write down everything he says, then read it back to him. If he says, "hitting," write it down and say, "OK, no hitting. Good. anything else you can think of?" If he leaves anything off, you add it to the list.

You may need to think about what you'll do if the younger brother hits or bites. He's only 2, so the consequences will be different, but there should be consequences appropriate to his age. This will help the older boy see that you are being fair.

Write the list of unacceptable behaviors and hang it somewhere. If someone comes to visit, ask your son to help explain the rules to the person. This will help him take ownership of the rules.

The next day or later the same day, have him help you create a big reward chart. You'll want to get the materials before hand. For every day that he does NO bullying behavior (that's all day long), he gets a star. When he has X number of stars (you choose the number), he'll get that special reward. Let him color the chart and put it up in a prominent place - the living room, his bedroom, someplace where he'll see it everyday.

Then - the hard part - be 100% consistent.

Sending blessings and prayers to your family. M.

I love to read John Rosemond, a family psychologist and parenting expert. He has commonsense recommendations that we don't really hear anywhere else these days (the attitudes and practices your grandparents used - who didn't really have most of our common child rearing issues). I can't recommend his books enough. In your case, John Rosemond's Six Point Plan for Raising Happy Healthy Children, or Raising a Nonviolent Child would give you a lot of ideas and help you to get the situation under control. They are on amazon, or his website (if you want to get a feel for him - his syndicated newspaper columns are on it as well) is www.rosemond.com. Good luck!

I could of wrote this message myself.
since my son turned 4 its like he turned into a bully, So its taken a while but im slowly nipping it in the butt, but its still a work in progress....

I started by anytime we are going to be around other kids we talk about the rules and i make him tell me what i expect of him and what happens if he breaks the rules.
his rules are No hitting, No fighing, No pusing, No kicking.

If he breaks the rules he gets timeouts, 4 mins, then the second time it doubles.....Then we leave if theres a 3rd time.
Also he has to go appologize to the child.

And If a child hits or kicks him first he is to use his words and tell the kid in a loud voice that he doesnt like to be kicked or hit and if it happens again hes too come get me.

It does get better just be patient and consistent.

I would help him try to get in touch with and identify his feelings. I think boys particularly in this culture, aren't really encouraged or given the tools to explore their feelings and talk about them.

When he's bullying step in and help him identify his feelings by saying things like "you are really angry at Joey because...." "you seem really frustrated by...." I bet you wish Blah, blah, blah..." Get him and the other kid to problem solve together how to share, how to figure out turns, or whatever. Also point out how his behavior makes the other kid feel. I think some kids (my son incluuded) really struggle with expressing themselves. It's like they are afraid they will get in trouble or be judged for having angry and selfish thoughts(My son is not a bully, but he'll keep his sadness/anger bottled up and then be a cranky, passive aggressive, unpleasant person until we can 20-questions the problem out of him!)

If he continues to bully say "I am sorry you chose to treat your friend so poorly. We'll have to leave now. Hopefully next time you can use your calm words to work out the problem.

Hi J.,

I have been taking early childhood education classes and this is what they all say.
It is time to stop punishment and look for the problem. It could be emotional, physical, or he has seen this happen elsewhere.
The key is to take him aside, wait until he calms down and talk to him about his "mistaken behavior." If he is getting punished every time,then he may think of himself as a bad boy. You want to let him know that he isn't bad, but his choice of behavior is. Make him look you in the eye and ask him why he is angry. If he doesn't know, explain to him that he is hurting the other person's feelings and it isn't a nice thing to do. Give him an example of the correct behavior and then show him how to use it with his words. Have him appologize to the person, too. If you practice the proper way to act, next time he will stop and think about it. Show him how to use his words when frustrated or angry. This may take some time, but this is what they will do in school when he gets there.
Good luck with your positive guidance.

J.,

My son is also 4 and I'm trying to figure out how to stop this all before he goes to school. He'll be starting preschool in the fall, then on to Kindergarten next fall. My biggest problem is that he's the size of the average 6 year old. I'm terrified that he'll be the bully at school.

I don't really have any advice for you because I'm still trying to work out what will work for him consistently. I really just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in facing this problem with a 4 year old.

The terrible twos weren't so bad,
The threes he started talking back,
The fours he has stopped listening.

Melissa

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