Am I Being Emotional....?

Morning A.;

Well, I sort of see 3 maybe 4 issues! This is from a man's
point of view! I are a man!! hahahaha Not a mother!

#1 Issue that you fail to say but came thru loud and clear,
your not secure! The fact that you "Didn't" get ready to
have your picture with him and your child. Come on, how long
does it take to take a shower, put on makeup and look pretty?
You say you "think" about leaving him, what actually you fear is him leaving YOU! No wedding ring, he can walk out at any
time! No strings attached!
Time for the two of you to have a long "Loving" face to face
talk about this situation, totally clear the air of all whys
and why nots!
#2 The Grandmothers
Just flat out tell them that the door is open and they can
come over any time. If you prefer them to call first, tell
them that, but, that you want them to come hold their grand child.
Here the marriage thing gets into the picture again. His mother is afraid to really get "close" to you because she doesn't want to get hurt if you break up! So this probably
keeps her at a little arms distance.
Your mother in turn, feels the same way about him. If he
leaves you she doesn't want to be so attached to him that it
will hurt her!
Getting mad at him, well, now, that is because you actually
feel lonely and also feel that you are doing all the work of
raising this baby! That part is pretty natural but since you
didn't say where the baby was a boy or girl or how old it is
all I can do is suggest that the first 4 or 5 years babies
demand a tremendous amount of attention and normally it wears a mother out if she doesn't have the proper support!
Best Wishes for YOUR peace of mind!
B. C.

Hi A..... You are in a tough spot - you are using words like "family" and "relationship" when you have put the cart before the horse. Your Boyfriend is acting like a boyfriend and you want him to behave like a husband who is invested in being a family.
As for the Grandmas, again, you want them to behave in a way that has not been set up by you or your boyfriend.
I dont know if you can fix this - I think it takes both you and your boyfriend making a serious committment to being a family - you cant want it for both of you.
Good luck,
T.

It could be a mix of a lot of things. We women have a need for security and our man can show us this in many ways. A big way is by putting us and our kiddos first. Even though they may want to play golf, basketball, or go out with buddies, when they make sure we are taken care of first that creates a real security deposit in us. The biggest way of course to have a secure relationship is marriage. Maybe you guys have been happy for a while like this but now your heart is longing for a more permanent commitment. It sounds like you are wanting to know you are thought about and that what is best for you is being considered. I totally agree with the other moms that men aren't mind readers and you do have to say what you want, BUT you also need to be with a guy who has a basic desire to meet your needs. Of course we absolutely do this for them as well, but I am just dealing with what your post is about. So what I was hearing is that you are wanting to know that he is going to really be there for you and take care of you emmotionally. If marriage is on your mind, talk to him about it and let him know the kind of life you envision for you guys and ask him where he sees your future going. As far as the grandmas go, give them grace!! Take your little one to see them as much as you can and when they come over try to let their comments roll off. I head off little comments by telling them how happy my boy is to see them and just complimenting them and thanking them for coming etc. Best wishes to you girl!!!! )

Sounds like you are feeling what every new mom feels! The key is to communicate your needs to your partner and your moms. If you need help with the baby call up the moms and let them know you'd love if they would visit and give you a break.

If you want your boyfriend to spend more time with you, then you need to let him know. After all you are spending all your time with baby, it's only natural to want some alone time with your partner or by yourself. In fact it's a must to keep your sanity.

It sounds like you are feeling the normal stresses of becoming a mom, plus hormones and feeling tires etc etc. So communicate with your family I am sure they will help you out!

Let me give you this advice. Men are totaly clueless to subtelties. This has been scientifically studied. Thier brians simply cannot comprehend things that are not specifically told them directly. If you want your man to do something, you MUST tell him directly, or you will be miserable for your whole life. I have struggled with this with my husband for 13 years and still get annoyed at him because what I want seems so obvious (ie pick up crying baby, I cannot go out in the clothes I wore to wash the car, I haven't showered in 3 days and need some help ...etc). I just have to breath and tell myself "he cant help it, he is just a man." and then I let him know exactly what it is I need him to do and he is usually happy to do it.

Dearest A. . . . You are NORMAL! Every relationship that stands the test of time must endure our own emotional ups and downs. One of the BEST things that will help you communicating with your significant other is SETTING THE EXPECTATION. Men REALLY DO NOT THINK LIKE WE DO. As much as he loves you, when he is WORKING - he is NOT looking forward to long talks and romantic times as the first thing on his mind - -NOT BECAUSE HE WOULDN"T WANT THAT - -it's just NOT how men think. If you say ahead of time that you have something planned and will need his help, you'll have a much greater chance of him even NOTICING that there are things to be done.

Men also react negatively to "we need to talk" . .. a better way to let him know is just to say - when you are talking about something else, "remember how you helped with the baby the other day? I really appreciated that. When we have pictures taken next Thursday, I'll need you to watch him while I get dressed." or something like that . .. and you will be surprised how much he responds.

And with regard to grandparents . . .INVITE THEM. When I get together with ANYONE in my life - - 99% of the time I do the inviting. Don't assume that people mean anything by their activities - - we get into trouble when we try to attach our own reasons to other people's actions. Let it go. There is too much fun to have in life to worry about things that may not even be a problem at all. Have them over and say, "Hey - - you're welcome to stop by anytime," or "Call when you're in the area . ..we'd love to see you" and let them know what you'd like to have happen. Maybe they are over there thinking . .. "Man, she never invites us over and I'd hate to pop in when she is in her bathrobe and mopping the floor . ." Just say what you want and see what happens and invite them if you want them even if they don't take the hint. So what?? If you want them in your child's life, then do what it takes to put them there, even if it takes more effort on your part. Be the bigger person and save the worries for more important things. Love on your baby, love on your man, and welcome the joy of each new day. Life is short - - make it sweet.

Personally, I'm big on talking whether it helps or not (at least the problem is out there). When I have a problem (similar to the ones you mentioned)with my husband I will confront him about it. He gets irritated with me and sometimes his volume raises. But I find if I continue to have a calm voice and tell him I'm not trying to be confrontational, it works. Again, he may get irritated but I think it's because he knows I'm right and I usually see some sort of change. Plus, I compromise. Maybe ask for one day a week to be family day. For example, on Saturdays, you will spend time together as a family.
As for the grandmas. I would jokingly mention that their cars work if they want to see their grandchild!

You can't expect people to read your mind. You are responsible for communicating what you want people to know.

If you need more time with your BF, tell him; but keep in mind that he might need to do what he does to unwind. I am married to a golfer and salesman, and I regularly send him out (occasionally I go) to refresh himself. You have to talk.

Regarding the grandmothers, you are gonna make yourself crazy if you obsess over every seeming criticism from either of them. If you want to respond by telling them that they are welcome to visit with their grandbaby at any time, then you should...minus the irritated tone. Then, forget about it. You've got enough on your plate without taking on what somebody else's intentions MIGHT be. This falls under the category of "Small Stuff", and you're sweating it.

A.,
Men do not read clues from us very well. We have to tell them how we feel and what we need and want. If it upset you that you were not in the photos, let him know. Photo apts are tough to get, but you are worth the wait. You still dont have the photos you want but will pay for what was taken anyway.

Getting out of the house would be good for all of you, your babies would enjoy the adventure and you could reconnect with grandmas. IF you get them on board, then you could have some time to yourself to do what pleases you.

Your boyfriend may make plenty of money, but you are completely dependent on his choosing to provide for you. How does he provide for your needs? If he gives you money, put some aside for a rainy day. If he doesnt, then ask for some spending money or try to get a supplementing form of income- I used to call it my playing money, but it has bailed us out of a few tight spots. My husband and I both provide for each other, but more times than not, it is to cushion for the future rather than just trying to get through today.

Speak up, respectfully let him know when things bother you. Be grateful for his help, but dont be afraid to ask for more.

Hope I helped,
M.

Yes. You are still very young and have a long way to go if you want to really stay with him. I have found that you have to pick the bads and the goods from your partner and have to find a way (love) to accept them even though you dont like them. Sometimes things do not go our way at the times that we want them to and believe me there is a very good reason for it. So o.k. you have to make changes sometimes. What ever you do always talk to your BF not girlfriend about everything, do not leave it behind. I have always said i would rather know and get mad and get over it then not know at all and then be very mad and not able to handle it. If you have religion I have found it very helpful to ask GOD to help me and guide me and to look out side of my box. As you get older you will find yourself getting very emotional about nothing but please be strong and follow what your heart says. My thoughts on the grandparents is that I have the same issues and have come to realize that in my world (box) grand parents like for you to be the one to see them for they are the older and should not chase after you. I have even been told that they have been through this world alot longer and harder and can not get around as easy as younger people do. Plus parents feel that it is your responsibility to show them attention. If you do say something be very careful for I wasn't and it left a bad relation with my motherlaw. For whatever you do I hope that everything works out for you and your family.

You are probably being a little bit emotional in the sense that it is normal during that time frame after having a baby. However as far as your boyfriend goes, have you calmly told him you need him around more? Some men don't know what to do and think you can handle it all. Ask him to do specific tasks, like be there while you get ready. Or tell him what time you need him back by if he is going to help someone. Having a child is a big change and many couples go through this. God knows we did. Hey if the grandmas are close enough ask them to babysit so you can have some time with your boyfriend. Solves two problems.

Hi A.,

First of all, you're not alone in these issues with your BF. We all go through feelings like this. I have two pieces of advice for you:

1. Stick it out. He's a good dad and you love him. You have a child together and the things you said are not reasons to break up your family. Any marriage which has lasted more than 10 years has weathered things much more difficult than this. You can't just throw in the towel!

2. Men think differently than we do and they prioritize things differently. It is entirely possible that he never thought that you'd be bothered by not being in photos. This seems bone-headed to any woman, but in his mind, this is something you set up, you prepared for and if you weren't in them then that must be your decision, too. You just have to spell out what you need from im. They can't read our minds and they think about entirely different things than we do. They are strange beings. But we love them so we accept their "limitations" (which are not limitations, rather the just have different gifts) and really spell out what we want from them.

About the golf... this is hard. My husband is currently in Africa. He travels a lot, too. We'll see him for 4 days this month. And he'll want to do things that we're not involved in. He is my best friend and he supports our family and me emotionally. I have to be supportive of him, too. If all I was allowed to do is work and take care of my family, I'd go nuts. As much as I miss him and could use the help, I do encourage him to explore his other gifts so that he doesn't feel burdened and overwhelmed by responsibility. He's not out partying or doing stupid juvenile things, he's following an interest and bettering himself. If you want to be a friend to him, you have to let him enjoy a hobby. If it gets excessive or it seems like he doesn't want to spend time with you, that's another story.

OK, about the Grandmas. That is annoying. Have you tried inviting them? I think you should tell them that if they want to see baby they should prioritize making visits to baby in their lives. Tell them they are not only welcome, but missed and it you really wish they were a bigger part of his life. Since you have a small baby, it is certainly easier for them to come to you (unless they have physical or economic limitations-- you didn't mention any). If they hem and haw, just dismiss their pity parties. You don't have to accept the gift of their negativity. Let it be their issue, not yours.

I wish you peace,
Umber

2.

Lot of people will have photo's made with just one parent in it. Have another made with you and the kids together. He may need to be out with the boys because of his work. To relax, you need to also. Take advantage of the grandmothers, let them keep the little ones while you go out hopefully together. If not go out to eat lunch with some friends while he plays gold have one of the grandmothers keep the kids. They will be with your children and you will have some time to have for yourself. We all need that time. We try to be super moms but we need alone time also, so do dads. Have that date night also. Good luck, you love the kids but they can also leave us with hair that looks like it got caught in a blender and gray at times.

about the grandma issue...i would say something the next time they bring it up. nicely. i'm a grandma to my 14 month old grand daughter and i freak out if i can't keep her one night on the weekend. my daughter just moved 25 miles away and i'm willing to make the trip each week to pick her up. i love her and therefore do anything i can to see her. good luck.

Don't play mind games with your son's grandmothers. Invite them over. YOU need to be proactive about it and stop feeling victimized because they aren't making the first move. Maybe they don't want to impose themselves on you (many polite people are like that). Plus, if you want it to happen then YOU need to make it happen (it's like that in life, period). You could come up with a little luncheon for extended family to come over for, or some casual event with a specific day and time, or you can invite them to come over some time "next week" and call back again and see what day would work out for them. I strongly encourage you doing this with each grandmother separately so that you'll take the time to show how important each one is in your family's life. Maybe do it during the day...you don't need your boyfriend there. Be prepared to do this several times as sometimes good people really don't have as much open time as it might appear.....and it isn't that they don't want to visit. Other issue: it doesn't matter where those thoughts of leaving him are coming from, it's up to you whether or not you're going to entertain them. There are several really, really good books you can find about improving relationships. One is by Laura Schlessinger "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." It appears there are some problems between the two of you which are your personal business, but this book may help you see a different perspective. It's really important to consider how committed you are as a person, regardless of your boyfriend's seeming thoughtlessness, when things become less than ideal (or when feelings are hurt, etc.) Is there a reason why you live together but aren't married--NOT judging you, just bringing this up because it may or may not be related to attitudes toward lasting commitment. Lastly, as far as getting photographs made, when photos are made it seems to capture the memories of that experience. You can have the most picture-perfect photograph, but if you were screaming at the kids to get their clothes on and look good, then THAT is what you'll remember, and it's true! The photography could be expensive but it would have been better to not do the session if every time you look at the pictures you remember the stress to get those photos made.....get a friend to take some cute snapshots of you three, maybe at a park or in a garden, and see if they capture a happy moment because there won't be so much stress I hope. But I recommend you get snapshots of the three of you TOGETHER because I think the two of you need these pictures more than the expensive one which only had him and the baby in them. Heartfelt wishes.....

There is the chance yes that you are being hormonal, but to be honest it is more likely that because things have changed, everyone needs to adjust to it and this is not happening. I have been in this situation myself with my husband, and it can be extremely frustrating when your life has adjusted to fit your new family and he is still going about things the way they were before. If you are not fighters, the best thing you can do is just sit him down and explain to him that you and your family need more personal time from him then before. Chances are he just doesnt know any different and just needs a push in the right direction. With the grandparents, been here too! My parents well they are pretty much a lost cause as they live several states away, but with the inlaws whom live one town over, I have found that it is a give and take. It is upseting when I am in town and offer to bring them by and they are just too busy..So if I have made the effort it is their turn from there. But you are going to have to take the first step, like asking them over several days in advance or offering to meet them somewhere(near something you were going to do anyhow). It is up to them to show up but once you have extended the offer to them you can rest easy that the ball is in their court. Hope this helps!

I spent a good year and a half going round and round with my husband about this same issue. Its not that they don't care about us its just that they have different priorities going on. They say Hey I've been working a ton I need to let off some steam. Not hey I've been working a ton and now my wife/girlfriend needs some of my time. I would just try to be very honest with him about how you feel. Tell him ahead of time if you need him there on a certain day or tell him when he comes home that you need him to be there with his family. Tell him that you are a single mom when he is away and are working your butt off too and that you need the support when he is home. My husband has many"hobbies" that took him away from the house. I knew that I couldn't just cut him off from all of them. So we sat down and talked together about it. I agreed to give in on the ones that were most important to him and he agreed to give up the rest. It was a hard couple of years but Marriages (and relationships) are like that. You have good years and bad years. When the good ones come around you will be glad you hung around through the bad ones.

Hi A....it sounds as if you are responding to delays in what your agendas are. You have ideas and plans about how somebody should be behaving and then when they fall through you are taking that anger and placing square on somebody else's plate. We become frustrated because we chose to. We become upset for the same reason. It is always our decision how life affects us and wih that thought it mind it makes us less the victim of life and more the creator of our own reality. If something bothers you try explaining to your boy friend how you feel and then allow him his reactions to it. The same goes for your little old ladies (maybe they are not that old hehehe). You are allowing situations and people's behaviors to live rent free in your mind. You are putting to much energy into things you have no control over. We, as humans, have no control over people, places, events and things outside ourselves and we don't seem to want to understand that. So, when any of those things clash with what we as individuals want, we get upset. We become to attached to our agendas.

You should maybe be focusing on why you allow them to stay in that position of authority within you (yes I also am a counselor hehehe, sorry bout that). If you give them the authority over your feelings and reactions then is it their fault? I like what the one lady said. Be proactive if you want change then don't just sit and doubt that you should be allowed your feelings. Invite them over (unless you don't want them over). I would just tell them that they are more than welcome to come over any time as long as they call first so I can then decide if I will allow it because I may too busy with my life to allow them that time right then. That way you give them an opening ad most of all you give yourself a sense of control of being in charge of your life. Then if they talk negatively about the situation your answer is "Well you do have a standing invitation and it is not my fault if you don't act on it :))) See what I mean? Free yourself from those unnecessary thoughts and burdens.

As far as your boyfriend tell him how his reactions and behavior affect you and how they make you feel. Be honest and gentle (don't just attack him) and see what open communication takes you. Maybe you do have agendas that he is not willing to compromise on (wouldn't you like to know that now?). Then it is all in what you can live with. What are you willing to accept. He is not the problem here. The problem is he is not in behaving in ways you expect or following what your agenda is and many folks say they want something (pictures) but in the end really only gave in to make the other person happy. Honesty goes a long way. Good luck dear.

A., what you are going through is so normal. You have received a lot of good advice. I'd like to add that you mention you had your baby with your boyfriend, now's a good time to start building family activities. You don't mention if you plan to marry your boyfriend, but that's no reason no to plan some family time with your new extended family. Unfortunately if something needs to get done, often the women have to plan it. When you find yourself getting irritated, instead turn it around to "We'd love to see you, when can you come.?" Then when they visit they can play with the baby, you can get some rest and perhaps they can help you with chores. One last piece of advice ... get a family calendar and hang it up in the kitchen so your boyfriend and your families can see. Designate one day a month family day, when they come over or call, ask when they'd like to host a dinner.List the days your boyfriend will be out of town. it will make it easier to see when days are good for the family to have fun. Also get your husband a small planner when he is out of town and mark important dates. I actually give my husband a list each week of important dates and activities and which ones I need help with. Then I have to repeat two or three times to remind him.

A.,
First of all, what your going through is completely normal. Life is a rollercoaster of emotion(even when your not on your period!) My husband is overall a wonderful husband and father but there are times I want to ring his neck and I'm know he feels the same about me at times. I'm so sorry you didn't get into your family pictures. It's not really family pictures if the whole family's not in them. I find it's nore helpful and healthy to talk about what's bothering you. When I get to a point when I'm just utterly exhausted or feel like I'm the only one cooking, cleaning, taking care of our 5 month old, I sit my husband down and calmly tell him how I'm feeling. This normally gets him to kick it in gear and help out more. Sometimes I feel like I have to have the conversation every other week but if that's what it takes, then thats's what it takes. It's just better to say something before you let it build up and explode. A huge fight is only going to make things more stressful. I'm sure every couple goes through things like this when they have kids. It's a big life change and sometimes people don't realize what kind of sacrifice it involves to give yourself over to someone else who completely needs you for everything. My husband also went through a period(and still does sometimes) when he can be completely selfish, thinking only of what he wants and needs and not thinking of me or our son. You just have to TALK to your boyfriend when you are feeling the effects of this behavior, not yell and scream. Coming at him like that is only going to put him on the defense. If you sit him down and tell him how your feeling, don't just run down a list of things he's doing wrong but explain how YOU are hurting and need help, he should be more acccepting of your suggestions. He will not look at it as what he's doing wrong but of how he can be more helpful to you. Keep it positive.
As far as the grandparents are concerned, I would say something. You don't have to be rude about it, but you can let them know that you and the baby are accepting visitors anytime. You could even bring in a joke about setting up an appt for next tuesday or something. Tell them you'll pencil them in. My family lives 5 hours away from us so I hear that a lot from them too. I have been there twice to visit and noone except my dad has been down to visit us. They keep saying they wish they could see him more, so I just say, well you are more than welcome to come visit anytime. I've just started a new job so i can't take the time off to visit them a lot. Plus it can be very difficult to travel with a newborn. I suggest to keep it light and friendly but you should say something because when I hear it, it makes me feel like my family is trying to make me feel guilty just because I don't live closer. You shouldn't feel guilty because you don't live next door to your parents. Everyone has to make their own life.
Good luck with everything A.! Just keep you head up and enjoy your baby every day!!

Maybe you need some "A. time." Talk with your bf and get at least one day a week for yourself. I made the mistake of not doing this soon enough when my kids were babies and this can sometimes cause resentment. I began to feel like I was pulling all the weight by myself with no down time. For some reason, moms often sacrifice themselves for the family. Dad is probably doing what you need to be doing which is taking some time for himself. Men have a much easier time of carving time away for themselves...we could take a lesson from them!!! Also, since grandma's want time with your baby, ask them for help so you can have some alone time as well. Once you begin to do things to take care of yourself more then the little things that are bothering you now may not bother you as much. I have been there!!!!

Good Morning A.,,,,
Men are just creatures of habit talk to him ,,,if he's as good as you say ,,you mihtg see a change , As for gramma's yes tell them they are welcome to come see him ,,maybe even babysit and you and B?f go out i'm sure you need it
best of luck L.

Sounds like you are really frustrated. For a period, I stayed home with my step-daughter, and I would find myself looking through the window waiting for my husband to come home. Also, being really infuriated over seemingly small things (like you describe), but the REALLY meant alot to me. And the anger that went with those things were not proportional to the issues at hand. I eventually went to talk to a counselor and re-invested some time in good friends. Essentially, I was putting everyone else first, and not giving myself what I needed to cope with all of the changes in my life. (it was also during a year of dramatic change too, move, relatively new marraige, and grad school.) It sounds like you think of him as a great man, and you are trying to sort out some new ways to deal with family and other relationships. All I can say is, get the tools to help through the transition. It made all the difference in the world in my (now) seven year marraige.

dear A.,
i didnt really bother reading your previous responses . im sure you got alot of its his fault, and then its you,info.
all i can say is what your going through is normal. really normal. today, people dont know what its going to be like when you have kids. the image is foggy and in my opinion overrated. its not all fun and games. it is really hard. and the relationship you have with your partner is your life line. i cant tell you how your feeling but i know the reason i get so upset in simular situations, where i wouldnt normally, is im doing it all by myself. thats not necessarily the way it should be, but it happens that way. normally you have time for yourself and it really wouldnt bother you what your bou is doing. however, your stuck at home, dependant on him, and the time he lends to this thing you were suppose to do together. ive been married 8 years and have 2 small children. the first 5 years were awesome and then they took a nose dive after the kids were born. im not saying kids ruin marriages but i was later able to realise why i was feeling this way. solution. humor. i recommend you read some things by erma bombeck. she is a nuclear housewife humorist and it really takes the load off the way she puts things in a lighthearted perspective and some of the other things you can expect from your partner and your children.
im sorry i didnt have any rosy resolutions. i sympathise with you and hope someday less mothers enter families with disillusioned ideas of the sacrafices there walking into.
M.

I think you are being hormonal...but it's something that happens when you have a baby. I think you should take some "you" time and let your bf sit with the baby while you go with your girlfriends or just go grocery shopping by yourself. Jam to some of your favorite music on the way there...Heck make a little trip around town just to get in a fun attitude. I promise it really helps...and just don't worry about the baby or your bf. I am very emotional too and let these small things get to me. With that being said, it's also the small things that get me back in the groove. These feelings will pass with just a little me time. It does wonders for me. I hope it helps you too.

On the grandmas situation. You most definitely should tell them that they need to come see him if they're so desperate to see him. Don't be rude but make a good point. Say something like "Well, I never get any phone calls saying you want to see him, I'm sorry. Maybe you can come by this weekend or something. You're more than welcome to come to see him anytime." And when you see an effort from them you can make an effort to go see them too..but not too often. After all it's more of a hassle for you. :)

I wish you the best of luck! You'll make it through!

You are probably just tired. I know I get irritated at the smallest things when I'm tired. Get some rest somehow and calm yourself down. Write some things down that you want to discuss with your boyfriend and then do so at the right time - when you both have the time to talk and you both are calm and rushing or too tired. Same with the Grandmas. Tell them that sometimes you're just too busy or too tired to bring them over, but you would love for them to visit you. Then, also make a point to go visit them as well. I know my mom doesn't visit most of the time, because she knows I'm busy and feels like she's intruding on me. But, she wishes I would come out more often. It's just one of those things that you have to find middle ground on. Invite them over whenever you are comfortable with them coming over and as often as you can. But, make appointments to spend some time at their houses as well. I don't know how old they are, but usually they are more comfortable at their house. You kid will love going to visit them too. It's a great experience. I don't remember my grandparents coming over very often. But, I do remember visiting them often.

Yes- sadly it is hormones. Trust me- my son is almost 11 months old and I still have issues and thoughts that I can't figure out where they come from! Some days I feel like that song "everybody hates me, nobody loves me I guess I will go eat worms" (lol maybe not that bad but you get the idea) But what happens is when you are pregnant your body produces all these wonderful hormones, and then when you have the baby- they are GONE! So your body kind of goes into shock...and your body goes through so much to get ready for the baby. I have heard that it takes just as long to get back to "normal" (whatever that is :) ) as it did for the pregnancy. It will get better. Just pray that God will give you His Peace and when you start having those thoughts start thanking Him for what you do have...a loving boyfriend that is a good father, a healthy baby, your health, family that loves you....it does help.

Hang in there and I am here if you need to talk :) I know how you feel! Hope this helps!

Hey A.! First of all, men are STRANGE creatures. Unfortunately they do not think along the same lines as we do. I have had my fair share of issues as far as thoughtfulness goes between my husband & I. Let me just ask, has this all come suddenly with the golf etc.? I would say not to jump to quickly into leaving if this has not been something you have not talked about together. As far as the grandparents go, I would definatly say something. I know how hurtful that can make you feel. And it seems as if they might be turning it around. Just let them know if they want to see the baby all they have to do is ask & you would have no problem with allowing them to spend quality time with the baby. I hope I have helped a little. Please let me know what happens.

Hi A.,
First Id like to start with the grandparent issue. If they are capable of caring for your little one, give them the opportunity. From the comments they are making, sounds like they want an invitation from you. They may not want to interfere with your family. Let them babysit. You need a mommy break. Its hard when hubbys gone all day into the wee hours of the night and you have no adult companionship. Go out to lunch with some friends. Heck just walk the mall. Any quiet time for yourself.

Now as for your feelings. I went through a period where little things through me into a rage. I cried alot. I didnt want to go any where. Getting dressed for the day was a chore. I had to force myself to go and run my errands. I thought I was depressed or I had hormone issues. Turned out I was extremely anemic. Go see your doctor. All it takes is a few blood tests to check your chemical levels. They can check your hormones and all other things this way. Make the move to help yourself feel better. You'll be glad you did. I waited along time to go see my doc, and all it was, was low iron. Simple fix. And I suffered through months of feeling this way. What a dummy I was.

We women seem to put our needs on the backburner and in reality, it doesnt help any one. Go see the doc. Get grandma to babysit. You are woman, you are strong. Fix your issues and make life better for yourself. Only you can do this.

Hope everything works out for the best. Let us know how it went.

Take care.

J.

There is a wonderful book called THE five love languages...you probably will be glad to read it. I know more than one couple who've been saved by reading it. AND DON'T let mother-in-law types become a problem in your mariage!!! You are, in a real way...married. Love is a hard thing, and it doesn't always feel as strong...but it is worth the work and sacrifices.

Best wishes.
R.

I would talk to your boyfriend about how you feel because he may not realize your feelings. But, you want to wait til it is a good time, not when you are angry, or he is tired. Then use "I" statements. That is, "I feel left out of your life when I don't see you for so long", not You don't even think of me and just leave for the whole week-end. It explains your feelings, not accusing him of anything, just feelings. I have told my hubby in the past that I know it isn't fair, but this is how I am feeling, what can we do together about it?

Then, I don't understand why everyone always expects you to visit, but we've always gotten the same thing. Just tell them that they are always welcome to come over, and you would like to visit them more often, but things get busy with the baby. Maybe pick a particular day to invite them over to have lunch with you and the baby.

I think you are stressed out and need some time for yourself. When they comment that they don't see the baby, they are asking for an invitation. They don't want to seem too pushy with your new family. Ask for help. Ask the granmothers to come over and help with the baby. Your bf needs his time too, and he is taking it. You need some, alone or with him.

Hi A.,
I too went through a rough patch with my husband when our son was 1st born. First I would freak out about the smallest things & then I would get upset because his new job sent him out of town quite a bit. Then when my son was 6 mos old he had to go to China for 2 weeks. I was at the end of my rope. My own family lives far away & his family was here and really not much help. I was at my doctor's office for a sinus infection & when he asked me how things were going (in my marriage, motherhood, etc.) I told him what was going on & that I was snapping at my husband a lot & unable to bare him being gone. He gave me an antidepressant & it really helped. I think a lot of women have a hard time thinking they may have post partum depression. I think a lot of us think that means we are unable to bond with our kids, or have thoughts of hurting them. This is NOT what post partum depression is. That is usually defined as post partum psychosis. It's ok to go to the doctor & ask for help. You may only need it for a short time, but it may be the answer you're looking for. It definitely helped me with all my anxiety & helped me chill out & not get upset over the small things.
As far as the grandma's go. Tell them they are welcome to come over to see the baby. You may have to plan these things. I thought if I "invited" people over that meant I needed to have food & drinks, etc... for them. This is out the window when you have a new baby. Tell them they can stop by on "x" day & see their grandchild. If they don't want to come to your place, then that's their problem. My husband's father & step mom seldom take us up on our invitations & then complain that they are "last on the list" with us. I extend the invitations & if they don't accept, then there is nothing more I can do. You have a new baby. Let them come to you!
Though having a baby is the best thing it also means major changes for you & everyone else. You'll get through it. Hang in there & remember to explain to your boyfriend that you are trying to work through this, but you're going to need him to cut you a little extra slack until things settle down.
Wishing you all the best!
AW

You should talk to him and let him know how you feel! As for the grandmas they are prolly tring to give you your space and dont want to be pushy or seem that way! Give them a reason to be there make it seem like you need there help even if you just need a nap for an hour or two or you just want to get some cleaning done! Im sure that they would love that! You can also just let them know that they dont need an invite to see the baby that they should feel free to stop by any time they would like! We went through this to they just dont want to invade your space as a new family. I know that its hard to think that you would have to tell them this but trust me it works!

Hi A., The best thing that u can do is talk to him> Let him know how unimportant you feel to him. You need to have cominication between you guys. I been married for 15 years and thats what has worked for us. Wish you good luck. Have faith.

A.,
This is a tough one. Without having all the facts, it sounds like your bf is having a bit of indifference towards you for whatever reason. The thing is, you have to find out what that reason is and the only way to do that is to talk to him.
I have learned that you cannot let these things linger. A woman's intuition is a God-given gift of instinct and it's there to serve a purpose. It is a very real thing. If you feel all these things, don't dismiss them, they are real. Sit him down and talk to him about your concerns before it gets out of hand. Cast fear and doubt aside and deal with truths ~ in the long run it is better that way and may even bring you closer. What he is doing lately might not even have anything to do with you, but you need to pull it out of him. Men are a different breed, they bottle things up ~ it is our job to bring it out into the open so we can help them with it.
As far as the grandma's are concerned...I would do the same thing...bring it out into the open and discuss it with them both. Otherwise it can only bring you grief and get worse.
Good luck and God bless,
Deborah

A.,

I'm not sure how old your baby is, but yes, it could still be your hormones. When my son was born it took a very long time for my hormones to balance out, and I remember wanted to rip my husband's head off for leaving empty hangers in the closet. Petty, I know, but at the time my hormones made me feel my frustration was validated. Not to worry, it will balance out and you'll feel back to your old self in no time.

As for the grandparents, the next time they mention never getting to see or hold the baby, I would just casually say, "Well, you know you're welcome any time, so just let me know when you're coming over for a visit." This gets the point across, but doesn't force you to be rude, defensive, or mean.

Have you talked to him fully about your feelings? Maybe you can work it out. You are right about the grand parents if they want to see the baby they should make the effort. Unless they can't walk. Talk to them about it. Have you gotten stir crazy having to take care of the kid all the time? Give yourself some you time; take a bubble bath, get a massage, meditate, or whatever makes you feel happy. good luck!

Hi...first problem - as time goes on in a long term relationship of any kind things that never bothered you in the beginning can sometimes become a problem later on. My advice on that front would be to sit your man down and just be honest with him. Men don't like to listen but you need to tell him and let him know that it is affecting how you feel and relate to him. Long term relationships are a work in progress they aren't perfect all the time and communication is key.

Second Problem - I have actually had this problem. I have one very involved grandparent and one absentee but claims to love my kids and miss them terribly. Again, communication is the key. I would let both grandparents know that you would love for them to spend more time with your child and that if it is too hard for them to get to you maybe you could take turns visiting each other. Try something different and if it doesn't work you can tweak it here and there until it works for everyone. What you get in the end is a good working relationship with the grandparents and your children will do nothing but flourish from that.

Good Luck!

You need to find out where the communication issue lies between you and others before you do anything or make any decision about your boyfriend or your and his mothers. Family is a big commitment for a man. Did you ever have the marrige talk prior to having the baby? I think that most men who are ready for a baby are ready for marrage. That being said you might have a relationship based on diffrent standards than mine. We are a God first, family second, and job last kind of family. That's not to say my husband dosent work long hours so I can stay home with our baby, but he will put us before his weekly golf game and buddies if I ask him to. Also you have to ask and tell men what it is you want. They don't get dropped hints. As, for the grand-moms they are a heaven sent if you can use them properly. Remember you are the best parent for your child. God gave you that blessing so in the end it is your decison how you do things with him. However, it's ok to take advice from the people who raised you and your boyfriend. I mean you made it this far right? So, what they have to say might not be all bad. Plus if you get the granmas to babysit you and your best friend could catch a movie or dinner alone and work on your bond. Granmas are really a good thing so give them more of your time if you can and I'm sure they will do the same for you.

A.L.A.M.=
SHAM with a Wondeful husband of three years (been together 10),beautiful daughter of 19m, and 2 fat kitty cat's personal purrrson >^..^<

When our first child was born, my husband could just breathe wrong and tick me off and his mother OMG. We get the phone calls every couple of months "I miss you, blah, blah..." but do they ever want to come visit the kids, only if they are "watching" them. Which still seems odd to me, since they only want to see the kids when we aren't around.
Anyway--back to the boyfriend issue...what kind of birth control are you using...I was getting the shot, I don't remember what it was called and as I sat in the waiting room to get my shot a few of us got to talking, the receptionist too, and the general consensus was the shot made us really cranky (the nicest way to put it). Once I quit taking the shot and went back to the pill, I was not near so grouchy with my husband. It could have been all the changes with having a new baby, but like your BF, he helped alot. Things got better quick when I changed the birth control.
Good luck.

I would want to knoe how old the baby is? Is there a chance you are having post pardum depression. I had this with my second. My symptoms were very similar to what you are talking about. I was also very anxious about stupid stuff. It was like even the smallest issues were huge. The typical "making a mountain out of a molehill" syndrome. On the other hand, babies change your life. Everything is more involved and time consuming. Not that they aren't great, they just take adjusting to. Maybe your boyfriend just needs to hear that from you so he will realize that what was acceptable behavior on his part before may need to be adjusted to give you more "you" time. Being a mother can sometimes take over being a person. Make sure he realizes that your new job (mother) is a 24 hour a day job and sometimes you need him to take the initiative to step in and give you some breaks. He sounds like a great guy, he may just need some guidance. In my experience, guy don't notice the problem, you need to tell him what you need. My husband will never offer help, but if I tell him I need him to do something, he jumps right up and does it, no questions asked. It took me a long time to realize that and I went through a long time resenting that he didn't want to help. Now I know that it wasn't that he didn't want to, he just didn't notice I needed help, and if he did, he didn't know what to do. Good luck.