Am I a Step Grandmother?

I have a feeling that if you are excited and are willing to help her out, this may be a good opportunity to become closer. She'll need help (we all do) and she will be very lucky to have you be there for her.

Maybe you can offer now to help her set up a registry or throw her a baby shower. This way, you'll ease into being grandma.

Congrats and enjoy the new baby!

If you marry her father than you would be the step-gramma.

Be her friend and let her know you are there for her. Keep the doors open and try not to take over.

Nanc

Hi M.,

I would go into very slowly. Maybe a day out for lunch and shop for something for the baby with her.(Sfter the first trimaster). Show her that you are very happy for her. This maybe the thing that brings you closer. Good Luck! :)

Hi M.
logically you're not a step grandma unless you're married to your boyfriend. that aside, offer her your help and tell her you'll be there for her and that you're excited about the addition to the family. that will leave the door open for her if she wants it.
good luck

Hi M., My parents are divorced and both re married so my son has 6 grandparents. I love having all the help I can get. I am sure if you just talk to her about how you feel she will not object. If she feels weird now, she may change hermind once the baby comes,I knowmy whole world went upside down, and I was 5 years older than you stepkid! My mom will tell you that being a grandma is the best role she has in her life! I think your step daughtrer should welcome you in to her new life with baby. Start now by asking what you can do for her, maybe get her a book, or baby journal?

M.,
You don't really say what your bf's thoughts are on this. Firstly you and him need to be on the same page. If you haven't been very close with his daughter I would suggest have your bf approach his daughter on the subject to feel her out. This will allow your bf to explain your intentions in a nuetral way and allow her to voice her thoughts without having to be concerned about your feelings. Or I would suggest you giving her a card with a simple note in it, letting her know that your excited for her and your bf (since he's becoming a grandpa) and that you'd be happy to help in any way and please don't hesitate to let her know she can tell you to 'but out' at anytime.

I come from a varied family with every possible situation. I am also very close to my father. If you seriously want to change your relationship with this women I very highly recommend that you use your bf and the ice breaker as he is the one persone who knows you both and can honestly speak to both of your needs and intentions. (I would hate to see the daughter look at you as a person who suddenly gets involved just because of the baby. Pregnant women can get the strangest ideas in their heads and not let go of them : )).

Good Luck and no matter how it goes remember you can always be supportive to this baby thru your bf.

I would offer as much help as she is willing to take. I know my fiances dad and stepmom have not been very involved with our child. It would be nice if they were. He is very disappointed by the lack of interest. If she seems to push you away, atleast you tried.

I am basically the stepdaughter w/o a mother in your scenario, and I can tell you that I really appreciate the relationship that my stepmother has developed with my children. I do get really sad though that my mother didn't live long enough to have that relationship w/my kids. I would just be open w/her and tell her you would like to play a role if that's ok, and ask her what would be helpful. Make sure you convey it as you want to be helpful to her though, not just that you want a relationship with the grandkids. Best of luck to you.

That's wonderful! Congratulations, it sounds like you are inclined to unite, rather than devide your family and community. I would actually tell her, honestly and simply, where you are at. Then let her know some of the varying roles you can play - "I can come clean for you, cook for you, hold the baby while you shower, etc - or I can just send you what you need in the mail" - etc. Remember that she may think its great for you to come now but feel put upon by your pressence afetr the birth, and not be able to control her feelings. If there is a way you can stay close enough to her house but not stay in her house, that would be the ideal. Good luck! It sounds like no matter what if you are clear about your intentions you will be able to be helpful and involved!

Good morning M.,

I would say to talk to your SD and tell her how you feel. That you know you and her have not been close and you are happy for her and want to be a part of her and the baby's life and that you do not want to replace her mother.
My son's paternal grandparents are not involved in my son's life and my bf's mother totally excepts him as her grandson and he loves it.
Good luck,
J.

Can you ask his daughter directly? If you don't feel you can ask her what role she wants you to play, perhaps you can extend an offer of help at any time, and hope she takes you up on it.

You are neither a step mother or a grandmother, since you arent married to her father, but that doesnt mean you cant help her out. Offer to go shopping with her. Does she have close friends? You might get involved with a baby shower.If you are overstepping in anyway she will probably let you know, just be careful with any criticism. Helpful advice and sympathy only. LOL

I agree not to push a relationship now, if after 5 years you were not so close, it could be a bit awkward. But it is a perfect chance to start. I would have your boyfriend talk to her about it first; have him ask her how she feels about your role in her and baby's life, saying that you would like to be more supportive and close. If she is positive and open, then it is that much easier for you to broach it directly with her, and she is prepared for your invitations. Good luck!

As the others said, your not a step grandma. But that doesn't mean you can't do things to help out. You could help throw her a shower when the time comes. And help her when asked. This may be a good time to mend bridges with her. Let her know, "I'm not trying to take the place of your mother. No one can ever do that. But I'd like to help you. And be there for you if you need it." I'm sure she's scared, even planned pregnancies are scary (I'm not saying this was unplanned, so please don't misunderstand me). But being pregnant for the first time is scary. She may need someone to lean on, let her know that you'd like to help.

I would think you need to follow HER lead and how involved SHE wants you to be. If you haven't been close for the past 5 years, she may not want you stepping up to the plate now. Then again, not having her mom, she might be looking for a mom figure. You need to have a heart to heart with her and tell her that you know you two haven't been very close but that you are very excited for her and want to be there for her in whatever way you can be. See what she says.

L.

Hi M.,
You wrote that you and your bf have been together for 5 years? You also wrote that you and his daughter haven't been particularly close?

My advice would be to go slow. This could be a great bonding experience for you two. Give her a call just to say hi and ask how she's feeling. Buy her a picture frame specifically for her ultrasound pictures. They sell them now and it was a lot of fun to change it out for my daughter. If that is going well, then maybe you can participate in throwing her a shower? Just take baby steps and feel out the relationship. Let her know you're excited for her, and you care. But, take her lead on how much you help. Offer yourself, but dont force yourself on her either. Don't be offended if she doesn't take you up on it. Just let your excitement show through. You two will be building your trust. She may not be sure she wants to rely on you. It's a very vulnerable and intimate experience being pregnant. You and her dad are not married, you and she havn't been close...she may be concerned you're not there for the long haul and may not want to engage too deeply...on the other hand, maybe she will! Best of luck!

First talk to your boyfriend. ask him what he sees as your role with this baby. Then second talk to his daughter if "grandpa" wants you to be grandma to the baby. Tell her you don't want to replace her mom but if she would let you you would love to be a part of baby's life. She may not want to call you grandma since her mom should have filled that place but there may be some other special name you can have.

Let me tell you about me: My maternal Grandmother died when my mom was a teenager, long before I was even thought off. My paternal Grandmother died when I was 4yo. However growing up I had a great lady in my life who played a HUGE role in my life. She was my "Grandmother" for all intent and purposes. Her name was Elizabeth. My first born is Sierra Elizabeth. She was an amazing person and I loved her so much. She still influences my life and I tell my kids about her all the time. I never had a chance to know my blood grandmothers, one at all one very little. Blood does not matter unless someone else makes it an issue.

Get Grandpa and the new mom together and tell them how you feel. Tell them how much you care about them and how excited you are about the baby. Then you may have to let them think things through. You can offer love and support but don't PUSH!! It sounds like you are a loving person who has and is raising great sons. The grandfathers and moms decision will also affect your 10yo son. He will be a part there if you are too. Take it one day at a time. A.

Hi M., have you spoke to your boyfriend about how you feel?
He should know his daughter better than anyone and can perhaps offer you advice on how to approach this new mommy to be. I personally think that it is wonderful that you feel this way. I think you are all very lucky to be having this new baby come into your lives, and I don't think that she would have any problems with you wanting to help out. As we all know babies have a strange way of bringing us all together. I think you should just be open and honest and the loving person you are. Good luck!

Dear M.,

Since you are not married to her dad you are not a step grandmother. I would not push myself on her however this could be a time for you to get closer. Just offer your support if she needs it and don't offer advice unless it is asked. This will surely be a time that she misses her mother and would need her most, so I say just be a friend and hopefully in time she will come to think of you as more.She may resent you if you push things. I have a step mother who I like, and respect however when my dad asked my children to call her grandma I put my foot down because they have a grandmother. Her grandchildren called my dad grandpa and I guess if they were okay with it was fine. I think each situation is different and depends on how close the relationship becomes. For now be a support system and see how things progress.

OFFER HER HELP SHE MIGHT BE VERY GLAD IF NOT YOU WILL KNOW BY HER ACTIONS SHE DOESNT WANT HELP. BE THANKFUL THINGS ARE GOING WELL I AM A LITTLE JEALOUS i AM A WIDOW AND DATING BUT MY 16 AND 13 YRS OLD WONT ACCEPT IT THEY GIVE ME THE HARDEST TIME. SO ENJOY WHAT YOU HAVE GOOD LUCK.

Hi M. ~

I agree with many of the other posters: follow her lead, talk to your bf, let her define what the baby calls you (step-gma or gma or whatever).

i lost my mom when i was 15. my dad's new wife and i had a very fraught relationship which became a civil understanding over the last 20 years. getting pregnant and becoming a mom - i really felt my mom's absence. my step-mother didn't try to take my mom's place, but she was really open and excited about the baby and went out of her way to be helpful and supportive. it made a huge difference and i really appreciated it. i also really want my little girl to have a relationship with her grandpa and still know about her angel grandma. my step mother has supported those wishes while treating my little girl like a favorite granddaughter and i am extremely grateful. the whole experience has brought us much closer to feeling like family.

i say all of that to encourage you to follow your instincts. good luck!

Why don't you take your boyfriend's daughter out to lunch and ask her what she wants. Tell her how excited you are for her and you want to be there to help her as much as she will let you. That would be where I would start. Take it slow and she will warm up to you. She may be waiting for you to come to her. Congratulations on the new bundle of joy that will be blessing your lives.

My mother died the year before my daughter was born. I remember really wishing my mom were still around when I was pregnant - you just really need a mother figure then. Someone who knows what you're going through, whose wisdom and experience you can lean on and share all the intimate details with. I bet your bf's daughter would really welcome your advice and sharing her pregnancy with you. Just let her know that you are there for her and that you are very very excited. Share some wisdom or just memories of when you were pregnant, and see where it goes from there. I have a feeling you'll have a much closer bond with her, and that you will become a very important part of her child's life.

I have three grandmothers. One that is my mother's mother, one that is my father's step-mother (since he was 8) and one (that I've never met) that gave birth to my father and divorced my grandfather 20 years before I was born.

Dad's "mom" was always grandma...no differences. Since your bf isn't your hubs yet...I'd tread carefully. Every girl wants help, I think, when she's pregnant. (I've recently relocated here to the east coast from the west coast...I'm THOUSANDS of miles away from any "real" grandparents for my children. So...my daughter found her own grandma, and "adopted" a couple that lives close to us.)

Basically, if this girl is open to you, then you follow her lead. Presents may be more welcome than advice. ;-)

Hi M.,
I think that you really need to allow the expectant mom to define any role that you will play. You're saying that you are not close with her. You are not her mother or her stepmother. It's wonderful that you are excited about this baby and want to be part of welcoming him/her but I would let the expectant mom take the lead. If she doesn't see you as a mother figure to her, she really may not view you as a grandmother to the baby, and may see you as trying to step into a role that rightfully belonged to her late mother.
Good luck. My kids do not call my husband's father's live in girlfriend grandma. She has lived with him since my daughter was a toddler and all of my son's life. They do not think of her as their grandmother, much as I know she might like that. She isn't his wife, she's not their step grandmother, but she is a member of the family whom we regard with affection.'

Hello M. and Good Morning to you too. I can kinda sympothize with you but from the other perspective. I am not close with my mom like a mother/daughter typically is. My boyfriend has no children where I have two from my past marriage. His parents are great and they love my boys as if they were their own grandchildren. If I were to get pregnant again I know they would want to do for me like any grandparents would. If I were in your shoes, I would talk to you BF and find out (if you don't already know) how her relationship with her mother was. If it was a close one and you think she might be heartbroken that she's not around to experience this with her daughter, then talk to the daughter and say, "Listen I know you would much rather have mom around to turn to and be there during this time, but if you wouldn't mind, I'd love to be a big part of this with you if you'd let me." See how that goes. Seriously, M.< if you're going to be with this man for a long time and be a part of this baby's life, then you are definitely considered a Grandma. However on the other hand, if she was not too close to her mom, it may be an open invitation and she may want you to take that role but not know how to tell/ask you. I think a nice weekend together with the daughter, (walk in the park, lunch, shopping, etc.) will enlighten you on how she feels. I hope for your sake it works out the way you want it. No child can have too many grandmas.

Hi M., I can understand your concern. Why don't you ask her if there is anything you can do? Tell her how happy you are about the baby and You know you cannot replace her mom but you would like to help. She may be OK with you being there. I hope so. You are an experienced mother and I think all new moms can use some support. Let us know....Grandma M.

If you marry your boyfriend, then yes, you will be step-grandma to the baby. When my sons were babies, they had 8 living grandparents.... maternal grandma "Mimi"(and her mom, great-grandma known to all as; "Grandma Shaw") & grandpa "Poppa" (so Mimi & Poppa go together) Poppa's mom, great "Grandmother Higgins"(so that's four from my side). Then also on my husband's side; "Na" (my husband's mom) "Grandpa" (my husband's dad) his wife; "Grandma Sue" and Grandpa's mom, "Nana" The only one not by blood, is Grandma Sue, who told us that we could have the kids call her whatever WE wanted them to call her. She suggested "Aunt Sue" if we didn't want Grandma and that was very sweet of her, but we thought "Grandma Sue" suited her well. She has always been a very loving, giving, generous grandparent to my children and still is today. She is just as much a true grandparent to my kids as all the others are. Just be loving and sweet to the baby and you will be "in the loop" for sure. Good luck. D. N. xo

PS... Grandma Sue ALWAYS sends each & every family member on my husband's side, a birthday card & gift, as well always being generous at Christmas. She really stepped up to the plate to be a wonderful grandma but has never interfered or overstepped her bounderies with any of us. We love her as we love all our other grandparents, for her loving ways and general kindness. She has been a "real" grandma to us and happily became a real biological grandma to my husband's brother's (Grandpa & Grandma Sue's son) baby son, 15 months ago! We are so happy for her and my husband and I are the proud God-parents of baby John!!!

Hi M.!!

I would say that you should do as much as your bf's daughter will allow and feel comfortable with. I had not talked to my father in 10 years and had never known his wife until a month or so before my daughter was born. My father and I have become close again and I consider his wife my daughter's grandmother just as I consider my father her grandfather. You definitely want to find out your bf's daughters thoughts. Maybe try reaching out to her and asking if there's anything you can do for her or help with. You can also ask her what role she would like you to play. I don't think it would hurt to talk to her about your ideas. Definitely talk to your bf first so you don't step on his toes either! LOL! Good luck!!

M.