Advise Welcomed: 2 1/2Year Old Having Trouble Bonding with My Army Husband

I have heard a lot about children going through "Mommy" and "Daddy" phases, where they only want a certain parent for a while. I don't think it necessarily has anything to do with his deployment or being away for work. It sounds like he's doing everything right in terms of bonding with her, and should just keep on being a good dad. Who knows, sooner or later, he might be the only one she wants, and you'll be feeling rejected.... (Hope not, but it could happen)

Hi A.,

We are also a military family, so my heart went out to you when I read this because I understand what you are going through. My husband went on a 3 to 6 month deployment every year for the first three years of our daughter's life. It was very difficult for her and so difficult for him that he called me from Iraq and said, "I just did the math and I am going to miss a quarter of her life. That means by the time she is 16 I will have missed four years worth of that time. I don't know if I can do that." Two more kids and 6 years later we are still in, so we had to figure out a way to make things work.

It may not be anger, per se, as much as it is the fact that you are the constant. You are the one she goes to for things the majority of the time, you are the one setting boundaries and carrying out discipline which actually creates a comfortable home for a child. So, she will prefer you.

One of the things that helped us was that we put our children in situations where I was gone and dad was the one there with them. While they, at first, didn't like the separation, they learned to go to him and lean on him because he was the one there with them. It gave them time to bond because their first choice (me) wasn't there to turn to. If this meant that I left through the front door and crept in through the back to head for the bedroom then so be it. I took a lot of long baths. I went to friend's houses for coffee, saved errands for when he was home and went alone. In the end they began to develop that relationship with him. AND it was actually good for me to have time to regenerate and recharge. I needed that time more than I realized. It felt good to give up some of the responsibility and my faith and trust in my husband grew even more when I saw how capable he was. I had no idea I could love and admire him more, but it turns out I was wrong.

Another thing would be to have him step up with the discipline. As crazy as it may sound, for your daughter to see the two of you as equally, you have to take an equal part in the parenting. I know it is probably the last thing he wants, to be gone for three days and then have to come home and be "time out guy", and it probably really is when she already prefers you. But it will change how she views him and his role in her life.

Hope this helps, and God bless you for the sacrifice. Your husband serves his country, but so do you and your family.
L.

I feel for you! BUT, this can be remedied. My husband is a musician who tours almost constantly and has missed major chunks of all three of our infant's and toddler's lives. He's gone for months at a time, sometimes stopping home for only a few days. I am in charge of everything most of the time. Our top two priorities in raising tiny kids are love and discipline, so we agreed he was NEVER allowed to shirk out of guilt for being gone a lot when he's home. I handle all discipline when he's gone, and as soon as he sets foot in the house, he takes over as king of the castle-making HIM the most fun, and the most tough on wrong behaviors. I just hang in the back ground and back him up.

This has not been any trouble at all, because the kids LOVE the security of having dad back in charge. They puff up with pride showing how good they are and they never act out because they take him seriously. My son (2) especially will try to test him when he first gets back home with some whining or something, but as soon as he's had one warning (not several) and then one consequence for it, not ONLY is he back on his best behavior, but he looks prouder and happier and stands taller and wants even more cuddles and hugs later on.

Do NOT let your own guilt or your husbands allow you guys to coddle her in any wrong behaviors including "tantrums for dad". You say he's always gentle with her, so hopefully this doesn't mean he allows her to act this way because he feels bad. She may be showing her frustration, or she may just be getting attention because she's aware of the vibe you guys are sending. Kids know what their reality is. She may feel sad and miss him, but this doesn't translate to hostile behavior unless it's allowed. If she simply "says" she wants mommy, tell him to let it go and don't force it. This will pass one day. If she's being modest about the changing and dressing (sometimes my daughter (4) doesn't want him helping her on the potty when he first gets home) have him tell her to remember the nice way to ask for mama and enforce it.

Have him step up the rules as well as show her tons of love, so she sees that the only positive attention from dad she gets is when she's being kind. Don't have him use neglectful passive tactics like ignoring and leaving alone in time outs since she's lacking his presence a lot...these often just make the kids try harder to be heard. Don't be afraid to use firm discipline,this phase will pass much quicker if she's clear on things. Let her have her space when she's nicely would rather not hang with dad, but don't allow fits or mean behavior. My dad was in the air force and in Viet Nam for my toddlerhood. He was always firm, and I always loved him. My parents would have never allowed this. Don't be shy-you can do it! Your husband rocks for serving America.

Hi, A.:
Your daugther can't handle his coming and going.

Don't force her to do things with him. Just let her take the initiative to want him in her life.
As long as he is present, that is all that matters.

In time, things will change when she gets a little older. She is going through the Autonomy vs Shame and Doubt stage where she is working on mastering her physical environment while maintaining her self-esteem.

Bear with her, she is still a baby. Good luck. D.

I just wanted to tell you that this might just be normal behavior from a 2 1/2 year old. My son treats ME that way. I stay home with him every day, and he treats me fine, but as soon as Daddy gets home, he only wants Daddy. And sometimes he will tell me to "go back downstairs" or "go back to bed" if he is already up with Daddy. Last night he screamed and cried because he didn't want me to get him ready for bed and he wanted Daddy. Most nights he won't even let me kiss him goodnight, but he'll let me kiss all over his face at naptime. Go figure. Now, I think our issue started when I brought home baby brother back in October. I think kids just go through stages though. I just try not to take it personally. And hopefully the tides will change again (there was a time when all he wanted was Mommy, so now that I'm taking care of an infant again, it's sort of nice that he wants to be with his Daddy). Hope you guys figure something out to help your situation! I'm sure she loves her Daddy. :)

My daughter went through a phase like that and her daddy was never gone. He worked 7:30 to 4:30 and she saw him many times on his lunch hour. So, I think some if it is just the age. (I agree, it was frustrating.) I think the best way for them to bond is for him to sit down on the floor and do whatever she wants - this is the way the people who are closest to my daughter became her best adult buddies. It might be coloring, it might be playing with her babies or watching The Wiggles with her...Maybe going on a walk even. All the things they want that the main care giver doesn't have time to do all day! Best of luck and just know that she loves him too!

Just wanted to add that my daughter (now 4) has done this to Daddy her whole life. He is around alot, home by 5 at the latest every day and has them on the weekends with me or by himself when I work for a few hours. I am the much tougher parent and much less fun (he's very physical and always throwing them around and the love it). My 18-month-old son is also a mommy's boy. Everything is always mommy, mommy, mommy. She will never talk to him on the phone. Who knows why. Just wanted to let you know we're going through it too and it most likely has nothing to do with your husband's schedule so there is no need to feel guilty. I also wanted to thank your family for their sacrifices. Hang in there!

I agree with the other posters that most toddlers go through these phases when they treat one parent badly as they try to navigate relationships and their roles in their families. I won't offer any additional suggestions, but I will offer my gratitude to your family. We don't say thank you enough for your sacrifice - I applaud you and your husband!

I don't think this has anything to do with him being in the Army. Kids go through these "only Mommy" or "only Daddy" phases. It's perfectly normal. You'll be surprised how much it hurts when she suddenly only wants her Dad-- though I know that sound like heaven now! :-)

I have a 2 1/2 year old at home, and they are sometimes strange creatures! My husband works a lot and sometimes may not see the baby for days at a time, excepting a few minutes here and there. My son will also go through these phases of pulling away and wanting mommy (or nana) all the time. Remember, these toddler years are already tough as it is - a lot to explore and learn about, new social skills, being made to do the same things in new ways (like pooping - before in the toilet, now in the potty!) Sometimes it gets overwhelming and they just shut down everything that is not familiar or it confusing, going only to what they know will make them feel better or cope with the stress (in your case, you). I recommend having a daddy subsititute when daddy is not around - like, say, an old T-shirt of your husband's remodeled or sewn into a blanket or lovey. Or a teddy bear with daddy's picture on it (or, with kodak gallery, can be anything else with a picture on it). Something she can carry with her whereever she goes, so she knows daddy is with her always. That may help her to cope with the fact that your husband is there one day, then he is not - it may be very confusing for her, and thus stressful.

The early learning years deal a lot with emotions and closeness. The optimum family are together in the early years of development. When Mom and Dad are together, your daughter is sharing Mom with Dad and she is rejecting that. She needs to see the three of you as a unit. She is identifying with Mom and, as a 3-1/2 year old, she is learning independence. At 4 years of age, children like to play games and, must always win, if they are going to be good losers later on in life. All of us lose a game of two, and she will grasp that very well when she is older. When my son was 4, my father, one of his best buddies, played UNO and when my son left the room, my father fixed his hand and my son could not wait to see how bad my father was going to lose. If you want Dad to be your daughter's best buddy, find a game that she likes to play and make sure she wins. That will build up her self confidence, and she will always want to play games with Dad......Dad, you will win her confidence in you.....to be sure. (3 year olds get nightmares - she could have had a nightmare about her dad leaving her again....who knows).
Another idea is the photo album. .... make sure it is fun times.....get the little extra decortions for the pages and have her glue them on. Projects like this will help her remember the good times as family. I made home made books about family and the children would take them everywhere. Mom, you could make the words with dotted letters, so that when your daughter is ready, she will learn to
write the letters.