I found an email between my fiance and an ex boyfriend of hers from many, many years ago. My fiance is flirtacious in nature and I love this about her. But this particular email crossed the line. She was saying how she was currently unhappy and he was saying how is unhappy with his wife because she has gained so much weight and he went on to say how he still has feelings for my fiance and mixed in some immature sexual comments/suggestions (i.e. 'I want to be with you right now, you're so pretty'). I have spoken to my fiance about this, informed her how this is unacceptable and we had a long talk about what was making her unhappy and what needs to be done to fix things. She agreed that she was wrong to cross the line and never planned on meeting this guy and was just flirting electronically but she assured me that she wants to be with me and apologized and agreed to never speak to this person again. My question for everyone here is... from an ethical stand-point, should I forward this email to his wife? I feel so bad for the wife and feel like if I were in her shoes, I would want to know that my husband 1) thinks I am unattractive 2) is unhappy and 3) is flirting with random girls on the internet and asking them if they would sleep with him. I could send this email to her from a unonimous source but it will be pretty obvious where it came from and I don't want to cause any more strain on my relationship. Or, should I just stay out of it and do nothing?
Thank You to all, I will stay out of it.
You're really playing with fire here. I agree that the "husband" is out-of-line, but can you imagine the pain and suffering you will cause the wife by relaying this information to her? Perhaps I am being old-fashioned, but I think she probably already knows that he's not attracted to her--men are not so subtle about this.
Think this over before you act. You can't take it back once you've written her.
Leave it alone. You took care on your end with your fiance but I would not send an e-mail to the wife. I know it is tempting to do but would you really be doing this for the benefit of the wife or for revenge? It might make you feel better but you don't know their situation. I would worry about my house before starting problems in another.
I agree with most everyone else--if the "wife" doesn't already know (which she probably has an idea) don't tell her. It's just going to cause her pain and I know if I were her, I don't think it would be something I could get past. And it probably won't make you feel any better. And if you're thinking it's going to cause the other guy pain, I doubt it--if he had any care about this he wouldn't have been trying to get with your wife in the first place.
I think what you have done to work on your own relationship is enough. I'm very sorry ths Wfife is married to such a creep, but that is her ncern nd not yours. I would ot tell her about this. There is no reason to cause people pain just because you think it may be the right thing to do.
I would not send the wife an e-mail. I would leave that to God. I believe in the power of prayer so I would pray for this poor woman that God would bless, protect and reveal any truth that she needs to know.
First of all, I'm so sorry that you had to go through this at all. No one deserves that and I hope that you and your fiance can work through it. My advice to you is make the decision that you can be at ease living with. If it were me, I would forward it to her for the simple fact that I would want someone to do the same for me and if I didn't, I would feel guilty about it. She doesn't deserve this either and she deserves a fair chance at making the decision on whether or not to leave her husband or talk it out with him. It is not your responsibility to save their marriage...that's on them. If your fiance gets upset with you for sending it, then that's being selfish on her part. She should have never gotten involved with her ex in the first place on the computer and had she not, you wouldn't have anything to forward. I always think about how I would feel if I were the other person. So, I think you should do some soul searching and decide what decision would be the easiest for you to live with and do it! Good luck.
Hey! I can semi relate. My husband and I have been married for almost 6 yrs, and last month I found some emails that he had written to one of his exes. They were pretty upsetting to me, especially when he would go to say that he missed her more than he wanted to admit and everything. At this time we had just gotten married and had a baby on the way. She never wrote anything personal back to him. I questioned him about it and didn't want to believe him or anything. But, at the same time, I was like it was soo long ago, I know where his heart lies now and after talking to him about I realized that he was faithful to me. He let me read ALL of the emails to and from her. He explained to me that they broke up on good terms and were still good friends and at the time she was also, still a customer of his. If I were you, and with the emails being from so loong ago, I would probably let it be, but if the emails are real recent, then I would have to take some personal time for myself and really think it over and have long talks with her and see if she is being totally truthful and all to you. As for the wife, I'd probably want to know, but at the same, why cause a strain on somebody else? That's a tough one, but just be smart and careful in whatever you may do. Good luck in what you decide to do and God Bless You.
Your story sounds like what my girlfriend just went through herself!
My advice: Don't cause his wife anymore pain or embarassment. Make sure your motives in telling her aren't motivated to save your own relationship. Often men drive their own women away by doing this because you will create drama in her x-boyfriends life, he will contact your girlfriend for help and comfort. Your girlfriend will feel sorry for him and somewhat responsible. She then will try to help driving them closer emotionally and you will be the bad guy. This guys wife most likely already knows and the embarassment of knowing you know too will be worse for her.
Stay out of it. That side of this situation is none of your business. It's their marriage, and you don't know anything except what you read (and you don't have the perspective to interpret that accurately--only your fiancee and the ex know exactly where that was coming from) and what your fiancee tells you. Your business is with your fiancee, not even with the other guy, so you don't need to talk with him, either.
You did a good job of talking with your fiancee and letting her know that you want to work on those issues. Be careful--as you move forward--not to hold this against her. If you're gonna be checking her e-mails and phone, etc. because you don't trust her, then you're setting yourself up for failure. If you are gonna move beyond this, you've got to decide firmly to put this behind you and not let it be in the way. Ask all your questions now and get it out of the way, so you don't feel the need to bring it up again.
Are you actually engaged to be married, or are you just together? I ask because you will need to address her unhappiness and her response to her unhappiness before you're even married. Why is she so unhappy already?
We have different reasons for talking like this with our exes. Maybe he always made her feel beautiful. Maybe he's someone who knew her when and/or who knows her really well. Maybe they've always considered each other "the one that got away".
P.,
I have had a similar experience with an ex-husband. It wasn't easy and I found it very hard to trust him again, even after his excessive apologies and flowers. I would advise you to send the email to the man's wife. From an ethical standpoint, you really aren't obligated to do anything. From a moral standpoint, the right thing to do is send it. It's her husband and she should know, even if she chooses to do nothing about it. I hope that helps.
Good luck with your fiance.
