Fiance's Creepy Guy Friend!!

I think the way you worded this is perfectly clear and acceptable here. It is not an attack, of course you do not have to tell him how creepy he is, but you can certainly tell him straight out that he is violating your space, you are uncomfortable with his close talk (I hate that too! eeeuuu) and tell him what your rules are. Obviously he has children he should be able to relate to that. Rules that is.
Doesn't sound like too much of an accident that his wife decided it was a good time to take off. He sounds obnoxious. But there is nothing wrong establishing the rules NOW.

Talk to your fiancee. You're going to have to be totally honest with him, if you haven't been already. Show him the emails.

Have you tried talking to the friend honestly instead of making excuses? Email him and tell him that you know he's going through a difficult time, but you don't feel comfortable talking with him one on one.

It's possible that he's just a touchy guy and doesn't really see anything wrong with the way he behaves. My mom's side of the family are all touchers. It creeps my husband out. My female cousins think nothing of putting their arm around him if he stands next to him. They don't mean anything sexual by it, they just really like human contact. I have a LOT of cousins and they're ALL like that. My mom's sisters are all like that, my grandparents were like that. It's just the way they were raised. But, it makes my husband uncomfortable, so he makes sure to not stand too close to them :) Maybe this friend was just raised that way. For some folks, personal space just doesn't exist.

He may be a genuine creep, I don't know. If you haven't expressed to him that his closeness and touching makes you uncomfortable, it just might be that he doesn't know any better. Maybe your fiancee could gently say to his friend that you don't like your personal space invaded. If it continues after you've (or your guy) asked him to stop, then it's time to avoid him like the plague.

well you've tried being dishonest (the bazillion excuses) and he's creepy enough not to take the hint. you really can be direct and not rude. start with understanding that you don't have to justify your position. i have no doubt that your good intuition is steering you right. this guy is a creep and ought to be avoided unless rob is right there with you. so you can ignore his messages altogether. you can redirect them eg 'why don't you give rob a call? i'm sure he'd love to discuss this with you.' you can be blunt (which is NOT rude) 'sorry, i'm not comfortable doing that' and refuse to be drawn into passive-aggressive conversations starting with 'why not? i don't mean anything? you're reading too much into it? what's wrong with you?' with a simple 'good, glad we're on the same page'. computer communications are very easy to ignore. in person, you can smile pleasantly and busy yourself elsewhere. if he's persistent do the direct look in the eyes, with a firm but pleasant 'sorry, i'm not comfortable with that.' 99% of the time that will do the trick.
he gets it. he's just using your misplaced sense of courtesy to push the boundaries.
stand firm.
khairete
S.

Oh yes I have been there. We called him creepy Dave, all the wives felt uncomfortable around him. He never asked any of us to call or anything but had a major staring issue and sometimes said weird things to the girls. Sorry your gonna have to talk to your fiance. Really, guys can be pretty clueless about this type of thing. When I talked to my husband, "He was like Really? Dave? But, he is so nice." Yeah they usually are, I guess the other wives pretty much had the same conversations with their husbands. Tell him honestly that this is starting to bother you and what he would like you to do. I am pretty blunt, so sometimes I have to get outside advise to do things tactfully. :) If he would have put his hands on me, he might have ended on his backside, or at least gotten a, "Keep your damn hands to yourself." See not very tactful. :)

First, always go with your gut, you just never know.

Second, he is probably reaching out to you bc he wants a woman to talk to and get advice from. He is likely feeling the loss of having his wife around and is looking for some comfort he's not getting from his guy friends.
Most people who are friends with one member of a couple assume they are friends with both.

Some people don't have personal boundaries. Have you told him it makes you uncomfortable. Something like, "im a real personal space kinda G., I don't like to be touched alot". I bet that would work unless he is a creep.

Bottom line, you are never obligated to help someone out or be there for them esp. if it makes you uncomfortable.

Just tell him you're not comfortable and share this with your fiance.

I had a very serious boyfriend (not my husband) all through college and grad school. His friend was a nice guy, a little "flirty", but we were in our 20's so who wasn't. Anyway, we were all invited to a wedding and at the last minute my boyfriend had to decline b/c his company sent him out of the country. Needless to say, the friend was so inappropriate during the wedding and at the after party, that I had to "remind" him of "how" we knew eachother... um "I'm engaged to your fraternity brother!"

If it feels wrong, it probably is.

Trust your gut.

You have 2 choices - direct and indirect.

For indirect: Don't be so available on FB all the time - stagger your posts on other pages so that he doesn't think you're so available. Don't reply unless your fiance is around, and then make it a "couple's" reply: "We think..." or something like that. And if he has 4 teens to raise on his own, then what the heck is he doing on FB?? Doesn't he have meals to make, homework to supervise, activities to coordinate, laundry to do???

If he touches you, JUMP! Say "You startled me. Please don't come up behind me again." For the arm-around-you thing, say, "Sorry, that shoulder is reserved for my honey." Sit in a chair, not on a sofa, so there's no space for him. Go refill your drink. Go to the ladies' room.

For direct: tell your fiance to tell the guy to back off, or tell him yourself that you're extremely uncomfortable. It's not rude to tell someone to keep his hands off you. It's rude for him to put his hands on YOU! Doesn't sound like this guy is your fiance's best friend, so what's the worst that could happen if you tell him to his face?

If you think he's needy of friends, then the TWO of you can be his friend and help him with parenting advice. But it has to come from your fiance first.

And again, - trust your gut.

.

This guy sure is a big time creep! Borderline rapist, in my opinion. Absolutely under no circumstances should you talk to him! You need to defriend him on FB immediately if not sooner and stop all contact with him! Have a talk with your fiancee and give him the same examples about his creepy friend that you listed above. Make sure your fiancee knows that his friend sent you a private message on FB saying he wants to talk to you. That was very inappropriate and your fiancee should know this. Your fiancee needs to know everything so HE can handle the situation - not you. Your fiancee needs to stop being friends with this guy. You said this guy is a friend of a friend, so he and your fiancee aren't really that good of friends to begin with, which will make blowing him off a whole lot easier for your fiancee. Needless to say, this guy will NOT be invited to your wedding! Stop hanging in the same circles with him, which shouldn't be a problem anymore since your fiancee needs to stop being friends with him. Good luck!

Tell your guy that he creeps you out and tell him about the facebook emails. Some people may say that doing that will cause problems but there should be NO secrets between you and your fiancé.

I'm with Suz all the way. Tell you fiancee just so there are no miscommunications later, but as far as FB msgs go, just ignore them. De-friend him if you need to. You are not his buddy, or his girlfriend, you owe him no explanation. If he is nervy enough to call you out on it the next time you see him, then either have your fiancee handle it, or stand up for yourself & just let him know, "Hey, you know, I totally feel for you & the situation you're going through right now, but I'm just not comfortable with this whole one-on-one thing you're going for with me. I'm just not that shoulder for you to cry on. I'm sorry, but I'm sure you'll find one soon!" and be done with it.

He's your fiance's friend. Let your fiance handle him to ask him to back off. This guy should have taken the hint from you and hasn't, although if you've been trying to get him to back off and are being nice at the same time it's likely that that's why the message hasn't gotten through. If he touches you, you don't joke about it, you tell him, "That makes me uncomfortable, please don't touch me again." When he calls/FB's you, you reply, "No, I'm busy and I'm not interested. If you need someone to talk to, Fiance's cell phone number is ###-###-####." It's not up to you to keep from hurting his feelings.

But honestly, at this point your fiance needs to tell him to back off.

Edited to add: On FB, don't just delete him, BLOCK HIM TOO. I wouldn't even give him the courtesy of warning him that you're going to do it.

Guys need you to be blunt.
Tell your fiance.
My daughter will actually spread her arms around and say Personal
Bubble-GET OUT!!!
Unfriend him.
No more excuses,
Say I'm sorry I am marrying Jim, it is innappropriate for you to ask this of me.
Do not respond in any way and start having your fiance respond to any advances creep makes towards you.

You need to tell your man that he needs to tell his friend to back off from you. It's not being friendly, he's crossing a line and I"m sure your soon to be husband will feel the same. Don't be afraid to get him involved, after all it's HIS fault you know this guy!

I would stop trying to be nice, and just tell him next time you see and he does something (talking way to close, putting hands on you or in other ways touching you). Flat out, to his face, with seriousness and no hint of a smile, tell him "Please stay out of my personal space/Please do not touch me." Keep repeating it. If he doesn't listen, ask your BF to reiterate it to him. If he doesn't listen, walk away, or move to speak with someone else/join another conversation.

When he asks to chat online, be honest and tell him flat out that you are not interested in being friends with him. Copy (or blindcopy) your boyfriend's email, or anyone else that think needs to know that you told him to leave you alone. If you want to be nice, you can "soften it" by saying that you share a lot of friends in common, but....

Either he really likes you or he really likes creepy people out (intimidation). Either way, be point blank about the fact that you don't like it.

Show your fiance his request on FB for you to call him. Ask your fiance how he thinks you should handle it. Together you guys can come up with a plan that will work best for the two of you.

Delete him from FB, he isn't your "friend" so why have him on there? DO NOT feel obligated to anyone or anything. If you see him and he touches you, simple say "please don't touch me". And if he talks to closely to you, simply say "please back up so you are not so close to me, I can hear you fine from here." That's what I would do. Hopefully he will move on to someone else. Good luck.

Ewww, yuck. Have you told your fiance all of this? I'd be seriously tempted to defriend him on FB ... you say he's technically a "friend of a friend?" Doesn't sound like he's all that close to your fiance then. He may be lonely and trying to get a woman's perspective on his personal issues he's having right now, but it still sounds creepy. My SIL's father is one of those creeps who puts his face within inches of yours when he talks to you. I can't stand it or him! (he has other unsavory personal characteristics of which I won't go into...)

I only glanced through a couple answers, but first I have to say that a woman doesn't usually up and leave out of the blue. Either she has some emotional problems or instabilities or something's going on in that marriage that you don't know about/aren't hearing about. Me personally, if my hubby did that all the time, I'd kick him out or leave, but I'd take the kids. My kids are much younger though. Our thing is that we really try to practice complete faithfulness. No touching other women/men in certain ways-hugging is okay for family, but not really much else. We still love other people, joke with them, and have a good time, but then our actions never look inappropriate and we're never making anyone -including our spouse- uncomfortable.

Second, pay attention to what everyone is saying-that it's not up to you to make him comfortable. From what you said, to me, it screams sex addiction. I don't know what, if anything you know about that, but there are a lot of manifestations. Men who are constantly inappropriately touching women may feel compelled to. If they have no boudaries on certain things, see it as a "right" they have to do that, or simply refuse to respect that you are another man's girl, those are all slight symptoms of a sexual addiction. (Notice it's not just sex-big misconception out there-like it's not an alcohol addiction if it's just beer, or it's not a gambling addiction if you're not actually going to a casino.) The reason I mention it is b/c men who are like this don't usually understand stopping. They keep doing and doing it until they have a real reason to stop-as in you defriending on fb and your man telling him to keep his hands off of you. They usually don't see women as an authority, and often see them as playing hard to get. It's the mindset of "well, sure she says no, but she really wants/likes it." This continues all the more if you give sidetracking answers instead of straight ones. (Coming up with excuses versus saying, "No, you need to see a counselor about this, not come to me." or "I'm not comfortable with that because ________.")

Good luck!

I have a certain relative like this. My husband's twin brother actually. He has been very inappropriate many times and has major issues. I don't associate with him. It has made me sort of the big "bi___" of the family, because back in the day I would ignore all his emails despite his begging me to email him. I'm not FB friends with ANYONE on that side of the family, because then I would need to friend him-or it would be awkward not to...He's getting remarried at the end of May, my husband is taking the kids and I'm not going, I told him "no leaving any kids alone with unlce X" and got in a big fight with the hubs because he was offended I don't trust his brother with the kids (dont' worry, I won the battle and the brother will only be around for his vows with lot of people and gone the rest of the time so he won't have time to lurk around the kids-plus he's only a perv with "ladies" as far as I know, not kids).....I've bowed out of many family events when I didnt' want to deal with him making ME the anti social "difficult" wife....you get the drift. There is no way in hell anyone in that family especially my MIL would EVER admit anything was wrong with him. It was really awful at first because I wanted my husband to not like him too! But of course minutes after I told him what he did, he was back to normal like nothing was wrong with is brother. :( Thank god he lives far away.

Anyway, yours is harder, because he's around. You're going to have to put your foot down to your husband that you don't want to be alone with the guy EVER and you don't want to be around him much, so be prepared for your bowing out of most things if the guy is there, and you don't want him at the house. Tell your fiance why, but don't expect him to get it. It will be all up to you to enforce. I f you want to stay in the kid's lives, you'll have to go out on a limb and handle the guy.

Once the BIL came up to me when pregnant and wanted to rub my belly (after several other yucky molestations) and I said, "NOPE, YUCK, no WAY I hate people touching my belly." Right in front of everyone. Once again, I was being "abrasive" but oh well. He was a close talker and I said, "Sorry, I need space when people talk to me, please stand back, I've always been that way, sorry, I don't like to be touched, nothing personal." I KNOW it's so hard to have to say those things, but otherwise he'll have control.

Delete him as your friend on facebook,have a talk with your guy about how he creeps you out

What a yucky, uncomfortable situation. You should definitely let your fiance know about his inappropriate advances. Him sneaking up on you and putting his hands on your hips, and the FB messages are way over the boundaries of friendship. Your fiance will probably take offense to that. Maybe your fiance could talk to him and be like, Dude, why do you want my fiance to call you? If he doesn't want to do that, then just ignore this guy's FB messages and if he invades your space again the next time you see him, just flat out tell him that you're only comfortable with your fiance putting his arms around you, his hands on your hips etc...and that he needs to stop doing that. Hopefully that will get him to leave you alone. If all else fails, maybe just tell this group of friends that you have a problem with this guy being there and that you won't be able to hang out if he's around. Good luck!

Tell your fiance and no longer respond to this guy!

Could your fiancé tell him to stop messaging you on FB and that you will not be calling him? yuck!

You should just tell him point blank, in writing so it is easier, that you are a married woman and do not have conversations with men on the phone. And don't try to let him down easy by saying ANYTHING nice to him ...just straight and to the point.

And be so careful.....hopefully he is not a psycho sociopath but you never do know. I would not be at your boat club alone. It always seems to turn out that so many people that 'go missing' knew their attacker in some way-its not just random that they are targeted. And make sure that your husband or someone else knows this guy is hitting on you. Don't mean to scare you just to make you aware.

i agree that it's a red flag. I don't think men in general would waste so much of their time and efforts talking to a woman if they weren't looking for something more.

not sure what is the right thing for not hurting the friendship btween your fiancee and his friend, but one suggestion would be every time he wants to talk to you, talk about your fiancee and the wedding and all that other stuff.

It's also likely that he wants a female to talk to, someone who's not going to judge him and tell him what to do (his ex, his mom, his sister, etc). My landlord is divorced and will call me sometimes to just chat. It's weird. He's my dad's age, but calls me to just talk. I think it's b/c his ex wife doesn't want to talk to him and there are things he just doesn't want to talk to the guys at work about.

I think your fiancee needs to say something in person to his friend like "R.'s mine dude. If she's going to lunch with someone, it's gonna be me. If she's got time to talk on the phone with someone, it's gonna be me." or "R.'s pretty busy with the kids and wedding plans and all. She really doesn't have a lot of time to chat. She barely has time for the laundry and stuff. Can you give her a break, please? She's stressin out."

GO WITH YOUR GUT - there is a reason that you find this guy creepy!!!! I've lived through enough to know those instincts are there for a reason! I would tell him you are sorry about what happened and if you AND FIANCE can ever help his boys then let you know. Then I would say, "I'm sorry I can't answer your emails but with work, household duties and 3 kids, I just never get to email." Kind of laugh it off in a "you know how it is" way and then let it go. Ignore all further communications other than polite conversation when you see him in the future. No private communications and I wouldn't leave him alone with your kids either.

I think the fact that a woman with four boys would leave speaks volumes about is lack of character. Print this letter and hand it to him-be sure to cc your fiance.

let me give you a clue, this other guy is more than likely bragging to his other buddies how he is in your pants every day, you need to give this guy the old heave ho, before he decides to brag to your boyfriend about what he is not getting. he wants to make your boyfriend think that you are sleeping with him, just so he can make you look bad, and because he is jealous and probably unstable.
K. h.
lets face it, this guy is hopping that you will be ladylike and not "make a scene", but, bottom line, the only way this guy is going to keep his hands off you is to break his nose, the next time he puts his hands on you, bring your hand forward and give his "buddies" a good hard squeeze, and this point he will suddenly decide that you are not an easy target after all, and will leave you ALONE.