Hi mamas, I'm hoping some of you have stories to share, advice to give, or just a supportive ear. The only sbling who lives in the same state as me is my brother, who is maybe 20 minutes away and lives with his wife and their kids. Very nice people, nothing fundamentally wrong with them. My issue is this- I barely have a relationship with him anymore. Many people have told me that when a son gets married, the wife's family "wins" him. This seems to be the case. She has a few siblings who live close by, and they definitely do everything with them. Again, all nice people.
I have invited them to several things over the last month, they declined every one. The frustrating thing is that my brother always says he wishes we spent more time together, let's plan something soon, whatever. But it never changes. Meanwhile, I constantly hear about the things they do with her family. Here is the most recent frustration. Our parents live somewhere in between our houses and are currently on vacation, they asked me to feed their cats (brother works, I don't, they always ask me). So I've been doing it but I was sick this weekend, so I asked him if he could do it ONCE out of the TEN times I did it. He went on and on about it was out of his way, he's so busy with this project and that (which all involve helping out her family btw). Never went. Not a huge deal, but my parents do so much for them- babysitting ALL the time, watching their dogs when they're away, money, etc., etc.
This is the bottom line for me- I love my brother and really wish we had a better relationship. It would almost be easier if he was a jerk or on drugs or something where I would really need to stay away. This almost makes it harder. Instead of always getting upset and feeling like I'm banging my head against the wall, I feel like I need to just accept that maybe I'll see him on a few holidays, but that's probably it. Am I settling for what I can get or am I giving up? My husband feels like he is selfish and is frustrated seeing me upset all the time. I'm not sure how to make this 'adjustment' in my life.
Of course, maybe he doesn't like us or maybe I've done something wrong, but why does he keep saying he misses spending time? Thanks for listening, I hope someone can relate.
My only son got married in December. Prior to his marriage we had a very close relationship. Post marriage, I have to say that I did not gain a daughter; I lost a son. His wife's family gained a son.
Good luck.
Have you asked him? If he's truly a nice person, that could be a really good place to start.
Hugs to you & good luck.
It may be that you are talking to your brother more than your SIL and she may be the real family scheduler. She probably talks to her family all the time and has plans that include them. Try talking to her more often and enlist her help. You said they have children--do any of them play sports? Say you would love to come out Saturday for a soccer game to support your niece/nephew or to something special. Your SIL may feel the time they spend with his (& your) parents is "his family time" so they (she) don't (doesn't) feel the need to spend to spend additional time with his family. The time allocation may not look lopsided to her.
Updated
It may be that you are talking to your brother more than your SIL and she may be the real family scheduler. She probably talks to her family all the time and has plans that include them. Try talking to her more often and enlist her help. You said they have children--do any of them play sports? Say you would love to come out Saturday for a soccer game to support your niece/nephew or to something special. Your SIL may feel the time they spend with his (& your) parents is "his family time" so they (she) don't (doesn't) feel the need to spend to spend additional time with his family. The time allocation may not look lopsided to her.
In general, we wives do most of the planning in the family. We tend to make the weekend, holiday, and vacation plans. Whether we think it's true or not, we tend to favor our own families when we make plans. I'm sure this is the pattern your brother has fallen into. Perhaps you should start making plans with your sister-in-law instead of your brother.
I have a similar situation and my brother lives 5 minutes away from me! When we were younger, we used to be close. Now we only speak a few times a year - mostly via text, his preference. I have come to the conclusion that he has found whatever it is he needed/wanted in being a part of his wife's family. His wife is the controlling personality and she is not too fond of our side of the family (long story). All of his spare time is spent with her side of the family. The only time I used to hear from them is when they wanted something - money, babysitter, when they needed help with something. Now, I don't hear from them much at all. I have become resigned to the fact that I am not an integral part of his life anymore. He has what he needs and I and the rest of my family just don't factor in.
I was tired of being upset about it, especially since I can't do anything about his actions. I had to let him go. I have let him know that I am here, but that's it. I still extend invitations to my children's birthdays and other events and if they show up great, if not then fine. I wait for invitations to attend his children's birthdays, if I get them great, if not then fine. I don't hold my breath anymore. I go on with my life and enjoy the family I do have in my life. I still love my brother, but I can't put my life on hold waiting for him. Life is much too short to dwell on the negatives especially when it is out of your hands.
I am sorry that you are having a hard time with your brother. Sibling relationships definitely change when we get married and have children. I have a similar relationship with my brother. He lives a bit further away and we do see them every other month or so but he lives closer to his in-laws family and is much more involved with them.
I think sometimes we imagine our lives to like they were when we were younger and things just naturally changed. I would try to talk to your brother. If it doesn't change then you know you did everything possible to nurture the relationship. It is hard to let go but at least you will not have the disappointment.
As far as your parents I would just ask them to split it between you and your brother because you too are busy and let them deal with his selfishness.
I understand how you feel. I wish you luck and peace.
I would call him on it. In a calm way watch your words so a fight doesn't develop. Tell him you treasure your relationship with him and would like to get together at least once a month on a regular basis.
I can kind of relate my sister lives in CA. I live in Pa. My brother is currently living in Delaware for a yr. My mom told me recently my sister in law would love to move to Oregon. Now I I know Oregon is a lovely place but its across the country. After my mom left all I did was cry. I am close with my siblings but how close can you be when you don't live in the same state. I just hope they decide to live on the same coast as us. My only saving grace is that I have lots of cousins that I am close to..doesn't replace my siblings but at least its someone. Plus I have my parents they still work full time and are 75 miles away.
Going with Vicky. I have 2 younger brothers and 2 sisters. The sisters can do what they want, when they want, etc...b/c they are "schedulers."
With brothers it's different. They are usually scheduled and not THE scheduler.
One brother is always in touch, always emailing, etc....the other one, well....we never hear from. But his wife's family own property in Florida and somewhere else and they travel to the In Laws but not home, for any of our occasions.
We can't do anything about that. We just keep inviting and trying to include them! Every time, ever year.
I don't think you've done anything wrong, you just are experiencing different family dynamics.
Remember that old (& great) saying: You cannot change others. The only things you can change is 1) yourself or 2) your reaction to other's behavior.
Huh, I have never heard that. I think you should call your brother and find out why he what's going on. It sounds to me like something is going on.
Are you asking them to do stuff with your whole family or just you 2? Perhaps your brother has a problem with your husband? Maybe you should talk to him about it so you can find out why he's never available. Or try calling him and just saying "I'd love to get together soon to do something. When are you available?" That way he can look at his schedule and he can't just say he's busy that day or come up with an excuse. I used to be very close with my brother...then I moved to a different CONTINENT and he doesn't call, write, email, nothing. I would love to have even a LITTLE relationship with him. Make the effort...if he doesn't return it, then he's more of a jerk than you thought.
I can relate - but not directly. My boyfriend's ex-wife kept him from every doing anything with the family. She was incessantly having him do things with her family, work for her family, and he agreed and kept his committments - but his family means more to him than anything else in the whole world.
He missed spending time with them and missed family parties and get togethers. Eventually he started going to family things without her.
The boyfriend says: Don't go talk to the brother about it if you think he'll get mad, but in my opinion the brother needs to tell his wife that he wants to spend more time with you guys. But it's on the brother's shoulders.
I say: I think you should talk to him, but not about the not spending time. I think you should say "I really miss you, and I want to get to know your wife better, too. Do you think we can go somewhere and do something? (or come to a family party or whatever.)" I think he really does miss spending time with you. I do think, very deeply, that you need to talk to your brother about what happened the other day and how it made you feel.
You said your brother isn't a jerk. Well, it sounds like he is to me. He clearly does't want to keep in touch with you and that is very jerky! I am sorry he is like this. My brother is no better. Also a big jerk with whom I have no relationship. Losing family members you care about is a big adjustment, but you will be fine. I have had many family issues in my life and I have made the adjustment. Remain close with your friends - we get to pick our friends, not our family. Think of your closest friends as your family and forget about your brother. Maybe he will mature and grow up in a few years. In the meantime, go on with your life and be happy without your brother!
I've had the opposite problem when it came to my family "winning" my husband. It seems like a struggle when it comes to which family is more deserving of our time. My family loves my husband, but his family only really wants to see him and not me (almost like I don't exist). He is very involved with his family as where I'm only involved with certain members of mine (by my choice). If your brother has a wife and kids, I would give him a break. It's not going to be like when you were kids and had lots of free time to hang out together. It sure isn't fair though that he has denied a months worth of requests to see you however (considering you live so close). My sister and I see each other maybe a little over once or twice a year. So I wouldn't beat yourself up for it. Eventually you'll get to see him :)
My husband could have written this!
He idolized his brother when he was young, and as an adult he really wants a closer relationship with him. But his brother seems to do the same thing as yours. He says that he wants to do more things together, etc, etc - but he rarely puts any effort into it. He, too, spends most of his time with his wife's family. (he even 'forgets' that he's made plans and then won't show up on their chat thing for weeks afterward)
I'll tell you the same thing I tell DH - let it go. There is no relationship (well, no healthy relationship) that can come of one person trying to do everything. *You* are worth more than that. Much like friendships from our 'younger' days, sometimes people just grow apart. There is no point in trying to force closeness.
Because I'm that kind of person, I suggest having a talk with your brother. One on one, preferably. Tell him that you miss him, and that you feel left out of his life. Have specific examples of times that he didn't come to your functions and ask why. Tell him that you feel hurt. Ask why he says he wants to have a closer relationship and then doesn't have time. NOT in an accusatory way - but make it clear that he is hurting your feelings. DO NOT expect him to change his behavior, just take the chance to clear the air and see what happens. :)
Oh, and don't get upset on your parents behalf. They have a separate relationship with him and his wife. Perhaps they don't see anything wrong with constant babysitting, etc - but maybe they have other reasons for their actions. Maybe they're worried that if they ask for something in return, or demand too much attention, they'll lose the privilege of seeing their grandchildren so often? You can never tell!
Good luck! I know it's a hard thing, but you'll feel better if you can get some of it off your chest.
Why don't you take him out to lunch (just you 2) and talk to him about it? Ask him to just tell you the truth so that you can deal with it and move on if you need to. I suspect that he is PW'd to a certain extent. It seems that most men are. How about developing a closer relationship with your sister in law so that she might feel more comfortable spending time with your family. My only brother is an alcoholic with mental health issues and I would give anything to even have the small relationship that you currently have with your brother. Try to make it work but don't risk your sanity to do so. . . you may have to be willing to settle for less than you actually want. Good luck!
I would find some time to speak with both your brother and his wife and tell him as nicely as possible, "I really want us to spend some time together. I miss you guys. When are you available? I have my calendar open right now so let's talk about some possible standing dates," and just be firm about not allowing them to get off the phone until they can commit to something with you even if it is 3 to 4 months out.
It sounds like your SIL's family is extremely close and active with each other. And if your brother and SIL are the types of parents that have their children signed up for a lot of various after school programs, they probably don't have a lot of free time. I would suggest talking to them very nicely but very frankly and come up with a plan where you have a standing date with them (e.g. the 3rd Sunday of every month is their night to come over for dinner and game night, or once every 3 months the two families enjoy some kind of special activity). I think the trick is to think far enough in advance and make a standing date with them that you both can agree on. They probably don't have enough room in their schedule for spur of the moment (to them, probably anything that is without 14-days advance notice) invitations.
Hope this helps.
Wow!This sounds like my brother and his wife.Well except that they always at my folk's.But when it's time to spend money on food or to have my parents go out to dinner with them ,my sister in law seem to always ordered my brother not to pay for our parents when it's their idea to go out and eat with their 3 kids in the begining but if it was for her folks.He have no choice.And he never even feel sorry for my folks when he knew that they don't make that much.
Well since this is about your question,my suggestion is to do what ever you can to not upset yourself or your parents.If they are to know that your brother can only get favor done for him and his wife and when the favor you asked of him has not been return than they will get upset for nothing that you can't do anything about.He will never see it the same way as you.For some reason almost all boys that got married to selfish women will always respond to their wife only and not to his true kin.Not to sound bitter but I have 2 that is married in to a family.My brothers are so blind that they can't see and if god forbid that I say something about it.All hell will break lose and we all know that he will dissappear even more.Just breathe and let it go.Just don't be the first person to contact him anymore and just make sure to not upset your folks. Maybe if you can just let it go and act like you can careless about the whole thing.He might see the changed and might be the one to initiate nexttime.Good luck!
I have the exact opposite situation, my SIL's family never does anything, so my brother and his family are constantly at my house. But, I think it is also because he is the scheduler in his family. So, I would try the other mom's advice of talking to the SIL to set something up.
In the short term, rather than a family get together why don't you just get together with you brother for coffee or lunch. Maybe a little on on one time will give you a little more insight.
Lastly, what your parents choose to do or not do for them is their choice. If they want to change it, they will, but don't concern yourself with that battle.
Good luck and please post an update.
C.
My older brother is the same way.
I think sometimes the wives just tend to lead the way and they follow. It is frustrating and I often feel like I am always asking and inviting to no avail, in fact, my husband and I always - always - have a family weekend up in the Pocono's. His parent own a house and are very generous and let us use it and we invite my parent and brothers and their families for a weekend. It is always a crowded mess but so much fun. This year he didn't show and didn't bother to call and say they couldn't make it - I even called to see if they were ok and he didn't answer or return the call. I was pissed. But, didn't say anything. I probably won't invite them up again. It's sad for me, rude for him and I doubt he knows the difference. So, I don't have a solution but totally empathize. Maybe just let go for awhile and see what happens. I invite them but no longer expect them.
Talk to him. Maybe he does not even realize what a jerk he is being. Tell him what you told us here, and how hurt you are by all of it.
I have no real relationship with my sister, we have never been close. She did not call me when my kid was in the hospital, or when I was in the middle of a divorce, or when my husband was is the hospital having a brain tumor removed. I lived overseas for 10 years, and I can count on one hand how many times she has called me. I gave up. I no longer contact her. She gets a card on her birthday and one for Christmas, and that is it, but it does make me sad. My husband talks to his brother at least twice a week, and I often morn for the sister I wish I had, but in the end people are who they are, we can not change them.
I feel like I had a somewhat similar circumstance with a friend. I felt bad, I felt lonely, I felt I wanted a closer relationship, I took things personally.....finally I decided to be honest and let her know how I was feeling. We talked it out. We understand each other better now. We see each other more - when we are able - but I also understand better why she is unable to do things sometimes. I don't take things so personally in that instance anymore.....it is not and was not "all about me"...even though sometimes it felt like it.
Talk to your brother. Be honest. Try to work it out together, rather than making assumptions about "why"....
Get out your calender and get ON the blower. See what evening/weekend is good for them to come over for dinner, a cook out, whatever. Make plans! Without plans, nothing happens. You're going to have to schedule your "bro time". Arrange it with his wife if she makes their commitments. Life is too short to wait til "someday"!
