SIL Inconsiderate and Rude ? or Am I Overreacting?

No, she is not totally inconsiderate and selfish. She did not make her flight plans and demand that you schedule around her. She made her flight plans and said hey, I'll be free on these days. I'd like to see you if you are available.

I think this sounds totally reasonable.

As for the graduation party, I understand why you want to celebrate. But you mention that no one from that side of the family will be attending. Well, that's not really time spent with you, because you will be focused on hosting the party. And none of the rest of her side of the family will be there. So it sounds like she would kind-of be on her own at the party and I can understand why she'd rather spend the time with her friends.

As for the items that you are storing, you can politely tell her that you can't store them any more, and won't be able to bring them so she can either pay to have them shipped, or you can donate them and give her the receipt. That is irrelevant to the trip plans.

I think people should be able to make their own plans and live their own lives as they wish without offending others. I'd be OK with this if I were you. It's her life.

"I had no clue if she was staying with us or how long her visit was or when she was even coming."
--She didn't ask to stay with you, so plan as though she isn't. In other words, don't change any plans you had just because she's coming to town.

I agree with your husband, and imo yes, you are wrong to have hurt feelings. I think she posted it on FB as a surprise, and you were rude and hurtful not to reply. That's extremely passive-aggressive. You should have responded and acted happy and asked her the details of her trip, not ignored her.

Your son sounds like he has a great future in store for him, and I doubt he cares for one second that this person was not at the party. He didn't work hard in school and achieve everything he did for her, he did it for himself.

If you want her to take the stuff, ask her when she is there if she will be able to take some of it back with her, or maybe ship it.

Your husband has the right attitude. This is the one arena where men usually are superior to women. They don't get all bent out of shape over nothing.

ETA after reading your SWH - You can think all you want that she should take lessons from your niece, but she's not going to. I don't know how that's helpful. She is who she is. So you can cause a problem, or you can mellow out. But apparently you want to cause a problem.

Your husband is right. She has only visited twice in ten years, and clearly the two of you aren't close. Why on earth would you expect her to even care about your son's graduation? It's not like she and your son are close either, right? I doubt your son cares at all, and it's his day anyway, not yours.
As far as you going to visit her, well that's YOUR choice. Same as storing her stuff, if you don't want to store it anymore (nicely) ask her to move it to a storage facility while she's in town.
It seems like you've been expecting a relationship that's simply not there for a long time. Let it go already, you'll be so much happier when you stop expecting people to be something they're not.

Why do you go visit her 1-2 times a year when you don't like her and don't have a relationship with her? I would not waste my time visiting someone I don't want to visit just for the sake of visiting. What's your motive for visiting her?

We've heard your side of the story and not hers. There's two sides to every story.

If you don't want to store her things, say no. Ship it to her or have her arrange another storage option. No one is forcing you to store her things.

I pick up a lot of resentment toward her from you. I would not have been insulted by the FB comment. I'm sorry but to me, you sound overly sensitive.

Meh. Who knows?
How involved are you with her when planning trips to her place?

You can't change people. Only your reaction to them.
Let your husband take the lead on this. It's HIS sister.

When she posted "See you next month" it would have been the perfect time to say "Great! Bobs grad party is on the xyz of ABC--Hope you can make it!"

I can understand you feeling hurt. It is apparent that she doesn't place the same importance on seeing you that you do on visiting with her. The thing is, she's allowed to place importance on what she wants, same as you are. If they matched, there'd be no issues. But they don't. So the question then becomes, "what to do going forward?"

You have to decide if you are ok with putting as much effort into this relationship going forward as you have in the past, KNOWING that she is not going to (nor does she feel obligated to) put the same interest or effort into the relationship. If you are ok with that, knowing it is as one-sided as it seems to be, then go ahead. But do so expecting this sort of thing to happen again and again and know that you cannot allow yourself to be upset by it or act out in anger over it.

If you are not ok with things continuing in the same pattern, then make a change. Not by starting an argument with her or "calling her out", but by adjusting YOUR behavior to fit the way you expect her to behave. If you would be ok with her blowing off spending time with you if you only make an effort to see her once every other year, (for example) then only plan to go visit her once every other year. Don't continue to invest so much effort and energy into a relationship that isn't reciprocating the way you expect it should. It won't. Either accept that it won't, and be ok with that, or don't accept it and change the way YOU behave so that things are more "equal" in your view.

Sorry that she doesn't place the same value on your relationship that you do. That's the way it is sometimes. Nothing you can do to change her.
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Oh, but as far as "announcing" a visit to you on FB, that is pretty rude, IF she is in fact expecting you to go out of your way to accommodate her. If she isn't (and it sounds like she has her own pick-up/drop-off at the airport arranged, and accommodations for herself already set up), then it isn't rude at all. She's truly telling you that she will see you in a month. Not somehow implying that you will be needing to change your life for her soon. Just, "hey, I'll be around then and I plan to see you."
That's not rude, it's informative.

Given how the relationship has gone so far (you've made all the effort, and she has made non), I'm not sure why you're surprised or upset.
"She's just not that into you".

So leave her be. Personally, I'd stop spending money to go see her if the effort is not reciprocated. I also would make no effort to rearrange any existing plans you had in order to accommodate her. She's not coming to see you. She's coming to hang out with her friend. You're just a side stop because it's convenient. Your son's graduation is clearly not a priority to her either.
So, let her go. The sooner you stop putting effort into her - which sets you up for disappointment - the sooner you'll be stress free.

We don't know your SIL. We don't know if she cares nothing for her nephew and you all, or if she is just plain clueless. Did you husband tell her that he is graduating? IS the party when she's going to be there? If so, just send her an invitation to the party and then forget about it. If she shows, she shows. If it's not when she will be in the area, she's not going to pay to change her airplane ticket.

Regardless of whether or not she cares or if she is clueless, it sounds like she sees you all enough when you initiate trips home that she doesn't feel the overwhelming need to see you more than once or twice a year. Her friend evidently doesn't travel to see her much.

Honestly, I'm kind of surprised that you care all that much. Hasn't she shown you this side of her for years?

I doubt that you've really thought through the issue of the household items. When was she going to drive a vehicle to you to get this stuff? Probably never. Do you really expect her to take possession of it? How much room does it take up in your house? Do you ever drive out there when you visit family, or do you fly too? If you want to get rid of this stuff, either hitch a trailer to your car next time you drive out, and dump it on her doorstep, or tell her that you'll hold on to it for another 6 months and then donate it to charity if she can't come get it.

There is nothing that says you have to be her storage unit.

The best thing that you can do is put this SIL in your "mental outbox". She is your SIL, but she is really a family acquaintance. Think of her that way and it is easier.

Since your husband is not mad or upset at HIS sister then let this go. Your anger/disappointment is really not fair to your husband.

Does your SIL live in a cool place (beach town etc) that your family likes to visit or are you really going just for a visit with her?

Not really. I see this as a situation where you want more of a relationship with her than she does with you, your husband, your kids, etc. She has distanced herself, literally, from the family. Her messaging is pretty clear and consistent - family "back home" isn't a priority for her.

As a grown woman, she is allowed to travel on her own terms and timeline, visit who she wants to visit and when and unless she's asking you to host her, pick her up at the airport, etc. - which doesn't seem to be the case - she is under no obligation to inform you of her plans or communicate in any way. She could blow into town, not see any family at all and leave again without informing you or anyone else.

Does that make her a particularly loving sister, SIL and aunt? No, but she seems to not really care about those relationships. Your husband should let her know that you no longer have space for her stuff so she needs to arrange for it to me stored somewhere else or it will be discarded, and then let it go. If you don't enjoy visiting her and have other places to go once or twice a year that you would rather see, then stop going above and beyond to maintain a relationship with someone who isn't really making your family a priority.

In the past, we have a relative that has decided to visit us without being invited or checking in about our schedule beforehand. We wouldn't even get a vague heads-up like your SIL did on FB. Sometimes we'd come home from wherever we were to find a crabby note on our door griping about how we were not home. Not my problem. And even with a heads up like the FB post you saw, I would not change my set plans to accommodate her.

If your SIL is imposing herself on you without your consent, then I'd say she is rude as hell. If you don't know if she thinks she is planning to stay at your house I would absolutely get that information.

If she's coming to town to see her friend (and stay with them) and plans to visit some other family members while she is in the area, then that's a lesser annoyance. If you're busy when she's around, no visit happens. It sounds to me like her trip to the area may have nothing to do with you at all.

You need to emotionally separate this 'surprise travel' issue from your son's graduation party. Remember that a graduation party is not going to be as important to anyone else as it is to the parents of the kid. Just as you have no obligation to change your plans to suit a surprise visit, she has no obligation to plan her visit to suit your party plans.

As far as being annoyed by storing her things, you and your husband have 100% control over that. If you don't want to continue to store them and you don't want to bring them with your next visit, then give her a reasonable deadline for hiring a mover to pick up her things from you and haul them to her home. (It was not unreasonable to ask you to bring them to her if you're already going to visit anyway. That's pretty logical. It doesn't mean you have to do it.)

Yes - she is inconsiderate and selfish but just tell yourself "f her. Who cares?" She is who she is and don't go out of your way for her and don't expect much from her. She obviously doesn't care all that much... So don't worry about accommodating her now. If she wants to visit you when it's convenient for you, let her. If it's not, tell her you're busy, sorry, see you next time. And I agree with others that your son probably doesn't really care. That's all you can do with people like this. Treat them similar to how they treat you and then you won't be hurt or annoyed anymore. It's liberating.

Why do you visit her? Honestly, I don't think you should care enough to have your feelings hurt...would you be friends with this person if you weren't related? Go on with your life...if she calls, great. If not, oh well!

i'm totally with your husband. she's not staying with you, and it sounds as if even seeing you is up in the air. since you're barely on her radar anyway, why does she need to run her plans by you?
i'm totally with your husband. if she calls when she's in town, and it's convenient, yay! if she doesn't, or calls and you're busy, oh well.
hurt feelings? upset? calling her inconsiderate and selfish?
i don't understand hyper-sensitive people. i'm glad i don't have to cope with this.
khairete
S.

I told a story recently of one of my son's friend sending out a birthday invite 2 days before the party. My son wanted to go and we didn't have a conflict, so I let him. Another friend's dad was so offended by the late invite that he didn't let his son go out of principal. So, his son lost out, and I don't think the mother of the birthday boy gave it a second thought.

Posting on social media would not be my first choice. Or at least it would have simply been for fun and excitement and not as a way to make plans. But you could either choose to respond and be a part of the visit, or ignore out of principal and miss out.

If the future, just respond to her post, no matter how tacky or rude it is.

Sheesh! She's been moved away for 10 YEARS and you're still storing things for her?
I'd consider packing them up in a POD and sending it all to her just to get rid of it although paying to get rid of it would gall me.
It's her stuff - it should be her expense to move it.
What she does with her stuff is her problem.

Your son graduating is a big deal to you.
It's seems it's not a big deal to her.
With her attitude I'd be happy she wasn't planning on centering her visit around your sons graduation.
Anyone who can't whip up some excitement over his achievements needs to stay away.

Let go of wanting her to care.
Inform her that you'll no longer be storing anything for her.
I'd have told her that about 9 years ago!

I think her post on social media is very odd - perhaps she was hoping for a public "whoopee, you are coming to visit!" response since she hasn't been there in 10 years for a social visit (just funeral and conference). I think you COULD (not necessarily SHOULD - that's important) have messaged her saying, "Let us know your plans" especially since she has hosted you quite a few times. Maybe she was hoping for a big response from everyone in the area, and she made plans with those who got the most excited.

Your husband called her, which is good - she's his sister. She maybe can "fit you in" or maybe not. So look, you guys aren't just that important to her or to her side of the family (no-shows for the graduation) OR they feel put upon because you visit them and perhaps they don't feel invited/welcome at your house. You say she hasn't come in 10 years, but not how often you've invited her.

I think you do have to shrug off her lack of interest in celebrating your son's graduation. That's a huge deal for you, and it should be for the grandparents I think, but if aunts and uncles don't want to come socialize with all his friends and your neighbors and everyone else they don't know, that's okay. Maybe not ideal, but not a huge affront. We didn't go 3000 miles for our nieces' graduations either.

I think you have to accept her the way she is - distant, and limited. She may want to see you when she comes, and that means you include her in something you have planned, or, if they are not essential plans, you reschedule those to allow for her. You don't cancel a party, but if you just planned to go to the park for the day with just your immediate family, you can scratch those plans to do something she will enjoy. She won't be back for another 10 years, if history is any indicator, so just enjoy it.

On the storage question, if her stuff is taking up a huge section of your basement, that's an imposition. If there are 2 boxes of stuff that you could easily ship or take with you in the car, then do it. At least she's leaving the door open by saying "next time you visit." But maybe she feels you owe her since she hosts you all the time? I don't know. I wouldn't focus on this.

I think you have to adjust your expectations of her and stop letting people hurt you who don't know any better. A lot of people have total estrangements from family members they never ever see. Just scale back and try to keep your emotions in check, for your own sake. "When people show you who they are, believe them."

I would take it as this is a trip for her friends and family is not a priority. Therefore, when she decides to show up, don't rearrange your life for her visit, either. If it works out, great. If not, her loss. I think you may also be extra hurt that your son achieved something big and she doesn't seem to care and neither does anyone else on that side. I would let that go, and focus on the people that are truly happy for your son. Better genuine well-wishers than a token person to represent people who didn't actually come.

If you need to get rid of the stored stuff, then I would ask her about either taking it (mailing it?) or putting it in a storage locker in her name and for HER to pay for.

Yes, she sounds pretty self absorbed. I think the FB comment was manipulative and not appropriate if she wanted to see you while she was home. She sounds like she expects the world to revolve around her a bit. My advice - take the hint from her. This isn't a vital relationship you need to be stressing over. If you see her, great. If not - don't worry about it. Don't rearrange your schedule or bend over backwards, when obviously this trip isn't about you, for her. Added bonus with no communication, is when she shows up the day of and wants to do something and WOOPS you already have plans. I would work on her getting her things back (NOT by you taking them to her, necessarily, but possibly if she makes it obvious she doesn't care enough to do it- I'd want it out of my house.) I also wouldn't rush to make plans for another annual trip. Spend that time and money doing something fun for just your family. "Vacationing" by going to visit family every single time gets old. It sounds to me like she views family differently than you do. So be it. Stop catering to her.

Unfortunately she sounds very self involved.

Not everyone is like me and you.

You will need to come to peace with this.

I am a person that makes plans, I try to make sure everyone is informed with my plans or my requests. But I also mention, if they cannot attend or visit, participate, Please let me know, but they will be missed.

And IF I have something special I am planning, I try to give a heads up to those far away first to make sure they can also plan, I state what I can offer.. I can host them for how many days. I can provide transportation. I can pay for part of the travel expenses.

I have a friend that has a lot of free or discount plane vouchers and she many times, offers them to her friends or family members, when she has special celebrations etc..

It took me many years to realize, some people are just clueless about communication and that IF I really want someone to participate, I need to speak up as soon as possible. When our daughter was a rising Senior in High school AND college (out of state) , I started informing people of the dates of graduations and my tentative plans.. It was a good way to see who was interested and what I would need to save up for.

Maybe her friend is having some major event too (wedding, baby shower) something. Im guessing she has a super close relationship with a few friends and wants to hang out with them without having to split the time up getting everyone in. Ive been there and done that and sometimes it is just nice to go see one person and hang out with them the entire time. Don't ever plan your sons or your major life events around someone making it back. If she wanted to come to your sons party she would have made it back to do that. She is coming back to see friends. Relax a bit its not that big of a deal.

It seems as if her primary visit is with friends and she hopes to see you and your family as well. I don't get the hurt feelings. The celebration is a major event for you. It doesn't necessarily translate the same for everyone. As for her items, you should ask if she wants to pay to have them shipped to her. Maybe they aren't as important to her. I would not be upset by this.

I think both...I think you are being overly sensitive AND I think she is being inconsiderate. I don't think her facebook post is odd, although I think you not replying was odd. I would have replied, "Great! It'll be great to see you. Son is having his graduation party at xx date, we would love it if you could make it." It sounds like your husband and his sister do not call each other and talk regularly? If he was keeping up with his sis they would have chatted about her visit and what her plans are. If they are not close and never talk, then it does not seem too odd that she is not spending much time with her brother. But I also think it is inconsiderate of her not to call her brother and let him know her plans and to see when would be a good time to come visit before she planned her trip. Why do you go visit her once or twice a year? Does she live in a great place to vacation? Does your husband's whole family tend to meet up there? I would think if you are visiting her that much that you would be closer to her. I find it odd that you have some of her stuff stored at your house. Why is that? Your husband should talk to her about it and have her go through it to pare it down...and also to figure out a way for her to get it back to her own house.

I agree with the moms below. When I read this, I took it as this SIL is visiting her friends, and will make an effort at some point to see you guys. You're not the priority.

I get why that would hurt your feelings, but that's life. She's just closer to her friends. You may have put time and thought into trying to build a relationship with her for you and your kids, but she's more into her friends.

At some point, you just recognize this (now would be a good time) and it's nothing personal. She sounds like she likes you guys and wants to visit with you - maybe just accept it for what it is, and be happy with that.

She didn't know about your son's graduation party, so her not making that a focal point of her trip shouldn't be taken personally either.

I wouldn't store her stuff for her anymore. Sounds like you resent that, and it's entirely reasonable to be rid of that obligation at this point. Have your husband deal with that as it's his sister.

People post things on social media that are odd all the time. I don't think she intended (always look at people's intentions) for it to be rude. I think she was genuinely happy to be seeing you. A follow up email/call or whatever would be helpful (for more info) but people are clueless at times.

Good luck :)

Yes she's a jerk. No, she's not staying with you if you had no idea she was coming!

Don't take it personally. She didn't make plans with you in order to do your major family event because she was not coming to do that, she was coming to see a friend and do other stuff. Probably because you guys go see her so much.

If you FEEL LIKE seeing her and being forgiving, then see her on her terms in the spirit of "no big deal" like your hubs has. If you don't make ANY adjustments to your life and don't manage to see her, don't feel bad.

DON'T MOVE HER STUFF FOR HER! Other than to storage with a FB comment "Your stuff is in storage if you need to make arrangements their number is ____" or "We will put your stuff in storage in______which will cost you_____ per month." Unless you don't mind storing it? Sounds like she needs to come get it like any other adult would or pay for you to ship it to her.

What a creep.

D., I'm going to make a few assumptions based on the information you've given. Your SIL is single and lives alone, she's used to making plans for just herself and also used to people adjusting their schedules for her. (She probably takes a lot of selfies). We may have the same SIL.

Yes, I'd be pissed on behalf of my son. Yes, I'd be pissed on behalf of my husband (who she obviously doesn't care whether she sees or not). I'd leave a message on her answering machine stating that the items you are storing for her need to be picked up in some way or you will be putting the boxes out for the donation truck next month.

Congratulations to your son!

M.

You can only control your own response, not her behavior. Just because people are family does not make them good friends. I love my brother dearly but he rarely initiates contact. When he does send an email it is usually a link to something technical without any personal comments. But when I see him I enjoy his company. If you enjoy her company then let her know you would love to see her. If not, then don't comment. And just because you love the relationship you have with your nieces does not mean she wants something similar, or maybe just not yet. It seems like the storing of stuff is a long standing irritation that needs to be addressed. Tell her you need the space and she can come get it or you can give it away or she can pay to have it moved to a storage facility that will charge her. Live your life the way you want and she can do the same.

I could see how you are pissed about this. I would be too. It sounds like she is mostly hanging with friends and will squeeze the family in if she can. So I would not go out of my way for her. If she calls you up and says hey, I have time tonight to meet for dinner, if you can go, then go. If you already had plans and can't then you tell her that. Just because she decides to pop into town and not make plans ahead of time with you does NOT mean you have to sit around waiting for her to show up and then entertain her. I would also make sure my husband understood this and if I had the opportunity I would make sure to tell her that if she would have the courtesy next time to make plans with you ahead of time then you can make sure the family can all get together and see her. If not, it's her loss and I would not give it another thought. Good luck.

I think she has shown you and your husband exactly what she thinks of you. She has shown that she could not care any less for you than a stranger on the street.

Why do you go see her? Is she welcoming? Does she make time for you? Does she extent hospitality to your family?

Why do you go to see her so much?

If she's hospitable towards your family when you go see her then she must want to spend time with you. If she's not free and you guys have to find things to do when you're there then she's not interested in you.

If she is attentive when you're visiting her then perhaps her plans with her friend are important. Does this friend go see her twice per year? Do they spend time together otherwise?

I had a similar dilemma. I lived about a 80 miles from my mom in my home town. If I wanted to visit anyone else or go do things with my friends I had to rent a hotel room and not let her know I was coming. If she found out I was coming she had to manage every minute of my time. She'd even expect my friends to come see me at her house so she could see them too. Such an illusion that they wanted to even know her name.

I had to struggle with this every time I went home to visit. I hated hiding from my mom but I did. I even stayed a few times with my ex-husband and his wife. I've said many times we all get along great.

So even though I understand you'd like to have known she was coming is she planning on being with you all the time? Is she just going to pop in when it's convenient for a few hours then go do her own stuff? Those are nice things for her to do. Please try not to take it personally.

IT does sound rude, but then again it doesn't.. hard to say without really knowing her personality and if she has pulled this kind of behavior before..
you are right, she was probably looking for some glorified response to her coming out and visiting you. However, in the same way, you are kinda looking for a specific response from her ... Here is what I would try and do.. because you CAN'T her behavior or make her seem interested in visiting you.. let it go.. enjoy your son's party.. his accomplishments should OVER-shadow your being upset with your SIL.... don't let her actions ruin the special day. I know, easier said than done.. but the bottomline is that sometimes we let our egos rule things... so what she will try and fit you again.. her loss if she doesn't.. I think if you can let this go, you ll feel much better and be able to enjoy the party... if she comes.. YAY.if not.. so be it.. your son is still fantastic... your son is still graduating and has a scholarship... there are more positives here than negatives..